Turn my music up for my dawg!
I love it!
Make some noise right now for Nate Jackson!
-Tell 'em why they better run -Crunk!
Crunk!
What up? What up? What up? What up? What up?
Y'all, sit down! Sit down! Sit down!
Sit down! Sit down!
Sit down! What up, y'all? What up?
Man, I'm feeling the love.
Y'all got the energy crazy in here right now.
I love that.
Crazy. Crazy.
I wanna talk about something before I start. I wanna say this.
When you guys give compliments and say, "Hey, Nate, you're doing your thing,"
let's just keep it at that, 'kay?
'Cause, um…
…what I don't like is when, um, people come up to me and say,
"Hey, your career is going great. I love your stuff, big dog."
Um…
It's the "big dog" for me. Like, who the fuck?
Who are you talking to?
I'm medium, bitch. I'm a cocker spaniel now.
I've been doing 10,000 steps a day. "Big dog" is hella disrespectful.
I'm sick of skinny people coming up to fat people,
telling us what size they think we are.
We don't do that to you.
"What's up, big dog?" "What's up, rib cage?" The fuck?
That's hella disrespectful.
"What's up, big dog?" "What's up, 23 cents a day?"
Disrespectful.
If you're skinny, say "yeah, yeah."
-"Yeah, yeah." -If you big, say "Yeah, yeah."
-"Yeah, yeah!" -See what I'm saying?
You keep talking shit, we gon' eat your bitch ass.
I'm sick of it.
Skinny people tell fat people what they're doing wrong all the time.
Didn't nobody ask you, first of all.
I'm fat 'cause I like food. It is what it is.
I earned this body. This is from me saying "yes."
I said "yes."
"You got room for dessert?" "Yes, I do have room for dessert."
"Would you like pie or cake?"
"Yes."
This is America. Everybody fat here. Might as well embrace it.
It's nine calories per deep breath in America.
Fat people, is it me or the day you say you'll get your life together,
they drop the new snacks?
I'm like, "I'm about to cut down on all the bullshit."
"I'm not eating nothing bad."
And KFC was like,
"Check out the new chicken pizza!"
I was like, "Nigga, they got chicken pizza?"
And then they put it on the screen, and they had it rotating,
and all the light was glistening off of it.
I had just ate.
I was full.
But I was, like, "I gotta go get one of those immediately. Absolutely."
I'm with my homeboy. He saw it too.
He was like, "Nigga."
And he's white. I was like, "Wait a minute."
"What the fuck, Trevor?" "I'm sorry. I got overwhelmed."
"Yeah, 'overwhelmed,' your ass. Get your car keys. We going to get it."
"Shotgun. And you're buying my shit."
"And you're learning about civil rights all the way to KFC."
"Fuck wrong with you?"
I'm fat now 'cause of Crumbl Cookies. I ain't even gonna hold you.
I know people have had Crumbl Cookies, and you're like, "I just don't get it."
Go back.
They change them out every Monday morning at 7:28 a.m.
Don't ask me how I know the schedule. Just know I'm plugged in.
Crumbl Cookies don't even sit in the box like regular cookies.
Regular cookies just be in the box.
Crumbl Cookies be in the box like, "What's up, bitch?"
"What's up? You take a bite out of me? What's up, baby boy?"
They down there selling cultural cookies
to make you come get a cookie just to support your people.
I'm not bullshitting. Listen.
Cinco de Mayo, they dropped a la leche, flan, churro cookie.
This is the most racist Mexican cookie I ever heard of.
Mexicans, they're like, "How do you do all three?"
They figured it out.
I called my Mexican homeboy up.
I'm like, "Bro, they are selling recipes from your culture
to get you to come down there and eat."
He was like, "I'm already down here, fool."
"The fuck you mean, already down there?" He's like, "Yeah, I'm down here, bro."
"I've been here since cuatro de Mayo, man. We camped out."
"You've been there since yesterday?"
"You're gonna eat those racist cookies?"
He's, like, "They're delicious, fool."
"Wait till February." He hung up. I'm like, "February?"
"Why does February matter?"
February came around.
Cornbread cookies.
I'm not bullshitting. Cornbread cookies.
When I tell you, I've never driven across town that fast in my life…
I was drifting.
Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!
And it better be good too, or I'm protesting, bitch.
Fucking delicious.
I'm talking about, it was so good, if your grandma had one right now,
I'd beat the shit out your grandma for that last cookie.
Skinny people think fat people fat 'cause we don't got gym memberships.
We do.
We do! I got two right now.
I got all the equipment that's ever been on an infomercial.
I got ab rollers. I got a Shake Weight.
I was using it too. I was like, "Yeah, this is… this is…"
Fuck around and walked by a mirror, like, "Hell no!"
What the fu…
What the fuck?
I threw that shit under the bed. Absolutely not.
I did P90X. I was sweating like a motherfucker.
And he was like, "That's the warm-up." I was like…"Excuse me?"
"I'm done."
"I just did the P. I'll have to come back, get the 90 tomorrow."
"Goddamn. I might not get to the X. I swear to God."
Two gym memberships, one of them 24 Hour Fitness.
I got that in case I ever wanna work out in the middle of the night.
I've had that four years.
I don't know what the paint looks like inside the goddamn building.
I ain't never had a need to work out at 3:30 in the morning.
I've seen people at the gym at 3:30 in the morning.
After I leave the club and IHOP, I stop by.
Seen the people in there, dedicated, working out.
I'm like, "Look at these crackhead motherfuckers in here."
I roll my window down. "Go to bed!"
"Eat a sandwich!"
Listen, the membership that I really like is Planet Fitness,
because it's clean, and it's a no-judgment zone.
But that's the part I got an issue with.
Like, they need to change that slogan, man.
"No judgment" is crazy. Like, none?
This is America. We all judging a little bit.
They needed to put that on the wall. "A little bit of judgment wouldn't hurt."
That's what it should say.
"No judgment" is crazy.
There was a man laying… laying on his stomach.
Okay, you know the machine you 'spose to lay on your stomach
and do your legs like this?
-Leg curl. -What's it called?
-Leg curl. -The leg curl? Thank you, uh, creatine.
What the fuck?
He doing this.
Right? This is the machine.
He the other way. He doing his neck.
This is where we need judgment.
Somebody gotta come up like, "Hey, man, what the fuck?"
Right? And nobody was saying anything 'cause of "no judgment."
You're not supposed to say nothing. Be quiet, make no noise.
I said something. I walked up. I'm like, "Fam, turn that shit around."
"Bro, you can't…"
You know? "Why are you doing neck-ups?"
Whose dick you getting ready to suck that you need to be clearing 45 pounds,
15 goddamn times for three sets?
Are you about to go to the Avengers house, nigga?
Is Thor waiting on you to come through with a superhero neck?
Turn your dumb ass around.
Do you know the staff came and talked to me?
They saw this fool, and they walked up to me.
"Hey, man, leave him alone. It's no-judgment zone."
"He's using it how he feels fit."
I was like, "First of all, uh, his dick and balls
are where my face gonna go if I get on there next."
Ridiculous. They want you to be quiet at the gym.
It's the only gym in the world got a button on the wall you can hit
if somebody loud, and they come out and get 'em.
They put 'em the fuck out the gym.
It's called a lunk alert. You hit it, "Pow!" Purple lights go off.
Security and shit be rolling all out from the bench presses
and popping out the locker room and shit.
"Where the fuck were y'all at when I came in?"
They're like, "You're too loud. Get your ass outta here."
That's what they do.
They want you to lift weights and be quiet.
-You know how stupid that is? -Right.
This ain't no library. You should be able to say something.
The point of lifting weights
is what you got now is the heaviest you've ever lifted.
-You supposed to beat yesterday. -Right.
So I'm gonna pick up the heaviest shit I've ever picked up,
and you want me to just breathe out my nose, I can't say nothing?
I'm just like…
Hell no.
The gym is supposed to be loud and wild.
Supposed to be white dudes in the corner shaking their thighs,
like, "Yeah, motherfucker."
Fucking doing smelling salts. "Yeah, motherfucker! Bitch!"
"Fuck yeah! Yell!"
But I gotta be quiet.
That's crazy to me. I don't even bust a nut quiet.
How the fuck…?
I don't. I'm… That might be too much information.
But I like to make noise.
I make noise, and I cuss at the end.
I like to get right under earlobe,
right over that clavicle on that neck right there.
I be like…
"Fuck!"
That's how I bust.
You gotta say something.
It don't feel complete, as a man, if you don't say something.
"Fuck!"
"Whoo!" You can "whoo" after. "Whoo!" You can do that after.
Ladies, if you haven't heard that,
if a man hasn't said that at the end of him busting a nut,
your pussy's trash, and I don't want you to get…
Hey. Hey. Basura. Hey, don't get mad at me!
"Basura," that's "trash" in Spanish.
'Cause women with good pussy, they know. They wait on it.
They know it's coming. You be like…
She's like, "Let it out. Come on."
"Go ahead, let it out."
"Fuck!"
"I know. I know."
"You were talking all that shit at work, you gonna blow my back out."
"Look at you, sucking your thumb, punk ass."
"Look at your ass."
You gotta say something.
It's weird if you don't. It's just empty air?
"You hungry? You want…"
Absolutely not.
You gotta say something. I don't care who you are. Even a pastor.
That's the kind of pastor I want. I need to know my pastor bust hard.
Hallelujah
Fuck
"I done busted anoint."
"You bust a nut. I bust anoint."
"Oh, that ji…"
"That was in there pressed down." "It was in their shaking."
"It was running over." "It was up inside of me."
"And it had to get out."
Hey, man, these are jokes.
I ain't going to hell.
Fuck!
There was even girls.
"Fuck!"
We don't bust the same. Girls get stupid.
"Fuck!"
"No judgment, though!"
All right, listen.
Rule number one.
If I look at you…
…and you don't want no smoke,
look away.
That's rule number one.
We did, like, 180 cities in the last two and a half years,
and every single show, that is the rule and the standard.
I do not get people unless they lock eyes with the bull
and give me consent.
So in every video you've seen where I'm tearing somebody's ass apart,
you need to know that it started with them locking eyes.
And wanting all of the bullshit.
As a matter of fact, this is called the Roast Zone.
If anybody is accidentally down here, it's time to get the fuck out.
'Cause rule number two is, if I look at you and you look at me,
and I start,
and you don't like what I decided to talk about,
looking away will no longer save you.
You gotta do it at the top of the interaction.
You're not gonna just be taste-testing my jokes.
People do that. They lock eyes with me, then I start.
They're like, "He talking about my snaggletooth."
"Oh my God."
They be acting blind. "Oh, he can't see me if I can't see him."
Georgia
If you act blind, I'm gonna destroy your whole row.
Rule number three, don't be sensitive on behalf of other people.
Not in here, not tonight.
Outside of here, you should look after your neighbor.
It'd be a better place, a better world.
Okay? But in here tonight…
fuck 'em.
Now, listen.
I'm well aware that the only people that just clapped for that
are the assholes.
And you know who you are.
But there's people in here that have big hearts. They're empaths.
When something's happening to somebody else, they feel connected to it.
I have to say it again. Not tonight.
I want you to know, I'm not talking to every demographic.
I'm talking to white women specifically.
Yeah, I've been doing comedy for 21 years.
I know exactly which demographic gets sensitive first.
They touch their elbow and start asking for police, managers.
"I'm sorry. I… I just… I just can't."
"No, I… I understand, but it's too much for me,
and I just feel like…"
Not tonight. You hear me, white lady? Not "no, I just feel like…"
Let your damn elbow go.
Right there. Yeah, you got that look. Look out.
You touch your elbow, police be parachuting in this bitch.
And you may not be that person, but there's something in your blood,
your heritage that makes you just… It's what they do.
White women been doing this, long before the Karen name.
Medieval times, they were there.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they were there.
White people riding on horses, full speed, with whatever this shit is called.
"Whoa, Cinnamon. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, Cinnamon."
"Whoa, Cinnamon."
Kings and Queens,
round table, sword in the stone,
white women.
They were there, tattletaling.
"Sire!"
"Sire. No, sire, one of the court jesters has gone too far. Please."
"May I suggest a beheading expeditiously,
as winter is coming?"
Prehistoric times.
Woolly mammoth, saber-toothed tigers, nobody's safe.
Going outside is a dangerous activity.
You leave with seven people, "Rawr!" You come back with five.
Uncle and auntie gone. Ain't no funeral.
You just put an "X" over their stick figure inside the cave.
That's right.
Woolly mammoths, saber-toothed tigers, white women, they were there.
They were there!
In the cave,
complaining.
"Ooga booga."
"Ooga booga, boo-booga, ooga ooga boo-booga."
"Manager."
"Ooga booga booga!"
"Ooga boo-booga. Police."
"Ooga boo-booga booga."
And you got superpowers.
Anybody could touch their elbow,
but everybody don't get the same police response time.
I didn't make the rules. It's just, this America.
It really is a thing.
It's hand, elbow, somebody Black going to jail.
Hand, elbow, nigga, jail.
Hand, elbow, nigga, jail!
Everybody, sing it with me!
-Ha… -Shut the fuck up!
Shut up!
Way too many white people took a deep breath.
Motherfuckers was gonna say it. I saw you.
He was like…
"Oh shit, I was…"
"I can't wait for that third word, motherfucker! I'm gonna say it!"
Not tonight, white people.
You almost got your hand on your elbow now. Calm down.
It's important. It's the whole reason why rule number three exists.
Let me tell you guys how this happened. We was in Ontario, California.
There was a man in a wheelchair, right where you're sitting in the glasses.
I like what you're doing with that.
He was in a wheelchair. And there's two kinds of wheelchairs.
There's the no-insurance wheelchair.
Everybody's seen the wheelchair.
It's the one in the back of the Rite Aid, CVS.
It's next to the little thing you put your arm in,
get your blood pressure.
When somebody finish up with it, they fold it up and leave it there
for the next person with no insurance.
They got the pedals on it.
You gotta put the pedals down, then your feet up.
You do everything yourself.
You wanna turn right, you gotta push it. You wanna go left, you pull it.
You gotta work hard.
That's the no-insurance wheelchair, okay?
My man didn't have that one. Something happened to him at work.
He was paid.
I could tell he was rich, because his feet were elevated.
This is the insurance, L&I claim, "I won the lawsuit" wheelchair.
This is the "I fell off a ladder at my government job" wheelchair.
I'm talking about, he had on shoes that were ten years old,
and they looked brand-goddamn-new.
They have never touched the ground before in the life of the shoe.
It went from shelf to feet, feet to shelf, shelf, feet,
feet, shelf, shelf, feet.
Feet, shelf.
They never touched the ground. He on a memory foam pillow. Tesla battery.
He got a joystick. "Zuh! Zuh!" He ain't doing nothing, man. "Zuh!"
He barking. "Zuh, zuh, zuh!" "I'll go. I'll…" "Zuh, zuh!"
'64 Impala hydraulics.
And he was sitting right there.
Roast Zone, paid a premium, wanted some smoke.
Nothing worked but his face and two fingers.
His face was locked on me.
He wasn't even blinking as much as he should.
He wanted some. I walked out, he was looking at me, eyes juicy.
I looked in his eyes, and I looked at what was going on,
I was like, "Hell no."
"I'm not roasting a paraplegic. I ain't going to hell for nobody."
"I'm sorry."
"Absolutely, I'm not doing it. He gets a pass." So I roasted around him.
That way, he can live vicariously through the other roasts.
I moved on. I start working this side of the room.
I'm cooking on this side. He noticed I was done over here.
He took offense to that.
He starts trying to get my attention.
He's like…"Nate."
"Nate!"
I ignored it. I got a job to do.
I ignored it. He started whisper-yelling.
That's when I couldn't focus no more. He broke my attention. He was like…
"Nate…"
"N…"
"Nate!"
That's the one that got me. I was like, "What?! What?!"
"Will you please let me do my show, fam?"
He was like…"How come when you roasted everyone
over here…
you didn't get me?"
My heart dropped. I was like, "Oh my God."
"This moment is happening."
"This is my worst nightmare, as somebody that fucks with the audience,
he wants some smoke, and I just can't… I can't do it."
I looked at him and was like, "Man, life's already on your ass."
"Just let me… just let me do my show."
I looked in his eyes. You could tell… The eyes are of the window to the soul.
They were juicy and jovial. I could tell he was a playful soul.
As soon as I looked at him, he was like…
Like, he knew this was his moment to act the damn fool.
He was like…"Are you sure…"
"…it's not because…"
"…you're a bitch?"
I said, "Wha…"
"What the fuck is happening right now?"
"I come out here to do my job."
"I give him a pass. Now I'm a bitch?!"
"Okay, Mario Kart, let's get into it."
So I called him Mario Kart, and he laughed immediately.
He was like, "Ah-ha!"
He laughed so hard, his tongue came out, somebody put it back in. It was amazing.
Once he laughed, it gave everybody permission to laugh.
It was that sweet spot in comedy
where we not laughing at him, we laughing with him.
It's the golden moment in comedy, and it was perfect.
And he was laughing his ass off, and I kept hitting him with jokes.
I'm like, "How'd you get here? On the Rainbow Road?"
Ba-ba-ba, ba-da-da-da-da Da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da
He was like… Duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh
Duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh
And I'm like, "Oh, out of nowhere, a turtle shell strikes you from behind."
He's like, "I can't feel it." It was crazy.
It was a crazy moment, but everybody was laughing.
We were having fun. Out of nowhere, white lady ruins the goddamn moment.
Stands up in the back, she's like, "Absolutely not!"
"Who makes fun of a paraplegic?"
"What the fuck, Nate Jackson?"
Sucked the air out of the room.
Everybody just felt like an asshole piece of shit at the same time.
Everybody.
It snatched us back to reality.
Everyone that was having fun was like, "Am I laughing at a paraplegic?"
Especially me. I called him Mario Kart. I'm like, "I'm for sure going to hell."
It don't matter what I do in life.
I can give back to the community, St. Jude's…
I'm a member of Omega Psi Phi.
We give back in blood drives, and all the philanthropies,
and none of that would matter at the entrance to heaven's gates
when I'm like, "What's up with this line? Let your boy in."
They're like, "Before we let you in, we wanna show you a PowerPoint quick."
I'm like, "A PowerPoint? Of what? All my good deeds?"
"Mario Kart."
How y'all get that footage?
"When I died, I brought it. I don't give a fuck."
"When I died, I bought it."
"I brought it. Absolutely not."
"I need a manager. Who's running this place?"
It was so quiet in there, man.
Like, you could hear a mouse
bust.
It was like…
It's terrible.
Only one person on God's green earth can save a moment like that.
The person that could, did. Wasn't me. It was way over my head.
My man in the wheelchair, he piped up, out of nowhere.
"Shut up, bitch!"
"I paid for this!"
Just like that, everybody came back to life.
They were like, "I paid for this! Fuck this bitch!"
The whole crowd, you should've seen, it was like a wave.
It just rushed over the whole crowd. People's joy was back, laughing.
I could see tongues sticking out, like, "Ha-ha-ha!" People were having fun.
The wave went all the way across, back to dude in the wheelchair.
He was like, "Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha!"
"Ah! Ah!"
"Oh! Oh! Oh!"
"I'm really walking!"
"I'm fucking walking! I'm wa…"
That didn't happen.
But it could have. It could've happened.
Laughter heals. Don't block nobody else's blessings.
Yeah!
That's the rules, okay?
Now turn on the lights down here. Let me see some people.
And give me my screen so I can cook this whole damn crowd.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Let's go right here. You got a… There's a man with a… with a ponytail.
A man bun?
Okay. I'll take that.
Are you Hawaiian, Samoan?
-Samoan. -Sa…
I fuck with the Samoans tough. Hell yeah.
So what club do you work at?
That's security right there.
You're like, "Let me see your ID. Let me see, fool."
"Chee-hoo."
So this your girl you got in the headlock?
Outstanding.
That's my world right there.
That's "your world"?
Back up. That's too much. You're giving her too much.
You giving her… That's how you get your heart broke.
Just give her a couple of continents. Don't gotta give her the whole world.
Goddamn. The whole Earth?
Okay.
Everything about her is what you encompass your love in?
-Oh yeah, definitely. -Yeah, you crazy as a motherfucker.
I am.
He's like, "I am. Literally, over her, I'll kill everybody in this motherfucker."
So how'd you meet your girl? At a soccer match?
Actually, at a house party.
Oh, a house party?
So the backyard, pig in the ground?
Are you Samoan as well?
Hawaiian.
Um, you got a little bass in your voice.
She was like… "I'm Hawaiian. What's happening?"
"What's up? You like dicks and balls? What's up?"
That's my world.
He said, "That's my world."
"And I'll stick beside him."
Goddamn. You sound like the Allstate man.
"Are you in good hands?"
All right, let's move on to this side.
-Yeah! -I wanna talk to him real bad.
He was like, "Yes, bitch." What the fuck?
He's so gay, I noticed it in 0.2 seconds.
What's your name, sugar?
-John. -Nice to meet you, John.
So, uh, what do you do for money?
I work at Western State Hospital.
That's where the, uh… where the clinically, the insane…
Do you recognize anybody in here?
Huh? You recognize anybody that's nuts up in here?
Is that your… You take that hair off at night or that stays on your head?
It's all mine.
That's you?
Okay, 'cause it looks like you can just be like, "Oh, goddamn."
"Whew! That was a long day. Goddamn."
"Oh, we going back out? My bad, my bad, my bad."
"My bad."
What'd you just say to me?
Bitch, you know who you fucking with? I will throw this motherfucker over there.
I'm gonna throw this motherfucking bun, bitch.
Outstanding.
All right, so I wanna talk to the Indiana Jones here.
Whoo!
Put him on the screen and brighten it up, man.
It's too dark. Shit.
Y'all set the camera for white people. Brighten it up!
Goddamn. More.
More!
More! More! More!
People are like, "I didn't even know he was sitting right there!"
How long you been barbecuing with no tools?
You look like you don't got no spatula.
You just grabbing the meat. "Y'all want one of these patties?"
"One of them! One of these patties. Good."
"Mwah, mwah, mwah. One of these patties. Whoa!"
"And all these hot dogs gotta be rolled."
"Frrrrrrrr!"
It's like… "Goddamn, Earl."
I love it.
What's your name, man? You got a great spirit.
Armando.
Armando?
Oh, I didn't expect that at all.
He look like a Earl, a Ernest…
"Armando!"
What?
Don't laugh that hard. You're scaring the shit out of me, man.
He look like he gonna laugh until a heart pop.
So, Armando,
what do you do for a living?
I make custom iron.
-Custom iron? -Yes, sir.
Like to get the wrinkles out your clothes, or like,
iron like metal?
You know, so those things that bend it.
-What? -Oh yeah. Welds…
We still need that?
Oh yeah.
That's not… There's not a machine doing that yet?
We are the machine.
It's just you in there bending shit?
Goddamn, Armando.
What have you built that I would be proud of if I saw it?
He didn't build no idea. Goddamn!
He was like…
"Oh, Lord!"
This your queen right here?
I see you got your hand interlocked.
How long y'all been loving like this?
-About two and a half years. -Two and a half years?
That's a lot less time than I thought you was gonna say.
I mean, goddamn!
How'd you meet this young lady, man?
How does an older gentleman like yourself, suave, pull a younger woman like this?
What'd you do, Armando?
-I just said, "Hey, come here." She came. -Oh!
He said, "I just said, 'Hey, come here!'"
"I was holding the cage I built."
"She was motivated to come over to me when I had said, 'Come here!'"
So two and a half years?
And so what was your first date? Like, how did this origin story start?
We met online.
You met online?
What app?
SweetBabyRays.com?
He like, "That's my cousin!"
Your cousin.
All right, who else we gon' talk to?
Let's talk to you, sir. You look like you program computers from scratch.
-What do you do for a living? -I'm a butcher.
You're a butcher?
Did that strike fear in anybody else's heart?
So all day long, you're just cutting up meat?
All right, I'm gonna move on, man.
You know what I'm saying?
That's not who I'm trying to see in the alley.
"You talking shit, fool."
"Thum, thum, thum, thum."
"Are you sharpening a knife?" "Yeah."
"My favorite one."
So do you eat meat?
Yeah.
He was like, "Yeah. Hell yeah!"
Are these your people right here?
Yeah? How far does it go?
The whole row?
What are y'all? Is that Mexicans?
Oh, okay. I saw y'all van out there.
All of them was in one van.
Fa, fa, fa, fa, da, da, da!
What's up with the big one in the middle? How you doing?
I see you pulled your little curl down.
Let it happen. Let it live.
Pull the curl down, baby. This is Netflix, man. Get your shine on.
Hell yeah.
You look like Bruno Mars if he had a bad thyroid gland.
Fellas, put your steaks in the air!
What's your name, man?
José.
José? No way.
There's two!
You telling me there's another José on the same line?
Raise your hand if your name's José.
So you're José and he's José?
Holy shit.
You're… you're Mexican too?
Okay. You're a different kind of Mexican than them.
No, we're the same.
You… you, uh, Michoacán? Michoacán?
Yeah, I know the Mexicans. I'm not up here 'cause I'm stupid.
He has Michoacán facial features.
I know what I'm talking about. He got dimples.
You're something else. You look like the Cleveland Indian logo.
You, you look like his lawyer.
Yeah.
Hold on. Ma'am, could you move your big-ass head so we can see him?
Goddamn. She like…
"I'm on TV as well!"
So what do you do for a living, uh, little José?
-I work from home. -You work from home?
Okay, not to be racist…
…but I've never heard a Mexican say that.
Ever.
From home? Crazy.
On homes? Yes.
You never heard a Mexican say he works from home. No disrespect.
La raza, my friend, but… That's crazy.
What do you do from home?
I'm a manager.
You're a manager from home?
José.
Medium José.
Is he making this shit up or is this real?
You're a manager from home? What do you manage?
Payment service.
Payment service?
They got bill collectors for weed?
You're like, "Uh, you had an ounce, fool. Uh…"
"When are you bringing it back?" "Bring it back?"
"I smoked that shit, baby. It's in the air."
He's like, "No way, José."
Wow.
And what about you, Medium José? Is this your girl right here?
Oh my God.
Ma'am, are you safe? I just feel like…
That's a lot of meat, huh?
Hell yeah.
Y'all look good together. How did y'all meet, fall in love?
It was my sister's friend.
Your sister's friend?
Uh-oh.
So you just went over there? You just walked up, like…
Yo quiero Modelo.
She's like… "I like 'em big. How you doing?"
"Oh my God, papi. Wow. Look at your curl."
"Oh my God."
Y'all look like y'all in love, though. Y'all got good spirits, I can tell.
How much you like her, scale from one to 6,804?
Infinite.
-Huh? -She's my world.
Touché.
And then I just wanted to talk to you guys
because, um, you look just like, you know, like…
Aw!
You look like you know where everybody lives in the neighborhood.
"The Jenkins got a new lawnmower!"
That's the face you have, ma'am.
What do you do for a living?
I'm a high school teacher.
-High school teacher? -Yeah.
-Which grade? -Uh, seniors.
And then what do you? Are you a PE teacher?
You look like it. "Just run another lap, Jackson!"
You know what I'm saying?
-You're a what? -Industrial mechanic.
-What? -Yeah.
Give me $300.
What do you work on? What industry?
Apple-packing equipment.
Apple packing?
So you work with the row behind you?
All the Mexicans clap, like, "Yeah, that was funny. That was funny."
Everybody but you. You're like, "What the fuck, fool? What the fuck?"
"I actually pick apples. What the fuck?"
Um, how did y'all meet?
Like, how did just two healthy, older white people get together?
I knocked on his door.
-You knocked on his door? -Yeah.
I was with my boyfriend.
Oh, this is getting good. Hold on.
I'm gonna explain. Don't worry. I got you.
She said, "I knocked on his door. He-he."
Then she went, "I was with my boyfriend."
Whoa!
And that's when I scoot up.
So you were with your boyfriend and knocked on his door?
Yeah.
-Explain. -So we were… It was a barbecue.
How do you go from a barbecue to knocking on his door?
This is very interesting.
-My boyfriend… -Yeah?
Friends with benefits, I should say.
Oh!
Fuck!
She's like, "My boyfriend, or friends with benefits, I should say."
Freaky-ass lady!
She look hella innocent!
She's like, "Anybody want some vagina?"
"Gather round, seniors!"
They're of age. They are of age.
"I saw you."
Okay, so you and your…
you and your fuck buddy went over to his house
and knocked on the door, for what?
The barbecue. His barbecue.
-It was your barbecue. -My barbecue.
Okay. And then he just… you just took her?
Pretty much.
At the door, you were like, "Only her, fool. You stay back."
Or did you, like, holler at her all through, like, the barbecue?
Were you like, "Look,
all the potato salad's gone, but I saved you a scoop"?
So… so you stopped talking to your fuck buddy
and went back over to this house again?
You're like, "You say you have more meat. Where is it at?"
So how long y'all been together?
Twenty-nine years.
Twenty-nine years!
That's beautiful.
That's a perfect example.
They found real love.
Started from some bullshit.
All the single women, you need to take notes.
You're out here, living life like a cactus.
You're dry, nobody can get on.
Sometimes you just gotta go knock on the door
and get dicked down by the man with the barbecue spatula in his hand.
Now where the single ladies at? Say, "Ow!"
Ow!
That explains why you guys were looking around.
Single fellas say, "Yeah!"
Yeah!
Who was that?
Oh, that was you? You look handsome. How come you don't got nobody?
What's wrong with you?
What's your name? Chad?
Jake.
And what do you do for, uh, State Farm?
I fish in Alaska.
You fish in Alaska?
Do you want me to hook you up?
-Go ahead. -What you mean, "go ahead"?
I need you to be like, "Yes, please, sir."
And you're like, "I don't give a fuck. I'll fuck somebody." Like, what the fuck?
You come in here, looking like a big-ass mini-me.
I'm trying to help you.
Lookin' like Stone Warm Steve Austin.
What the fuck?
Fuck it. I'm not… You know what? You're just gonna be on your own tonight.
You wanna meet somebody? Go to a barbecue.
All right, Jake ain't got no bitches. Let's move on.
No bitches.
I believe in love. That's what I'm trying to get at here.
I believe in love.
I think that message needs to be out in the world.
There's a lot of stuff being torn up, but love is strong. I believe in love.
I really do.
Matter of fact, if you with your person, look 'em in the face and say "I love you."
Oh, that's beautiful. I like that one.
Listen, if you got somebody, stay, even if it's on the rocks a little bit.
Relationships don't be perfect. That's not real. It's ups and downs.
You ask anybody been together long and they go through shit.
You think she wants him picking apples all day with Mexicans?
It's ebbs and it's flows.
I'm just saying, if it ain't good, just stay.
Fellas, stay with your girl, man.
Even if, every night you go to bed, she hits you in the side of your head.
Every night, like, "I'm gonna call it a night."
She be like, "Come here."
It's like…
"Why you always hittin' me?"
Stay. It's better than what's out here in these streets. I promise you.
Ain't shit out here but tumbleweeds and whores.
Tumbleweeds and whores!
And when's the last time you saw a tumbleweed?
It's all whores.
Dating is trash. Everybody lying. I've been catfished two times.
Worst catfish I ever heard of in my life wasn't even me,
and I wanna share this with y'all
because this shit is crazy.
It's my homegirl. She got catfished.
She fell in love on Plenty of Fish, which is crazy by itself.
But she fell in love.
And I'm talking, like, talk on the phone for four days straight,
one call.
Phone plugged in. It's still dying.
I bumped into her on the fifth day. I'm like, "Where the hell you been?"
She's like, "I met the man of my dreams on Plenty of Fish. I love him so much."
"And we're gonna go on a date. He planned it. We're gonna go on a hike."
I was like, "Um…"
"…so you about to go somewhere where can't nobody hear you scream
with somebody you met on the Internet?"
"That's the first part of the date."
"The second part, if we're vibing on the hike,
we're going back to his place, and we're gonna kick it."
I was like, "Wow!"
Now, listen, ladies, I don't mind if you wanna have sex on your first date.
Please do. Right? Just knock on the door.
Interrupt the barbecue. "Who wants some pussy?"
Do it.
My issue is going on a hike and then fucking.
I'm like, "Who wants that pussy? That's crazy."
You know what I'm saying?
Who prefers a pussy with 4,000 steps on it? That's…
Your knees swollen. She's inflamed. There's a pine needle in there.
I don't want just-hiked pussy, please.
I prefer just-out-the-tub, uh, wet footsteps.
You know? That's my preference.
So I asked her after, I seen her after, I said, "How was the date?"
She said, "It was… it was fucking terrible."
I'm like, "What happened?"
She's like, "Yeah, I got over there,
and he didn't have no legs."
I said, "What the fuck?"
You know, I'm like, "He ain't have no legs? None?"
I said it like you could have a little bit of legs.
She's like, "Yes, none, Nate! No legs at all!" Now she mad.
"I get over there. This motherfucker a chicken nugget."
I said, "Whoa!"
"Wait. You can't say that."
"You can't… you cannot call somebody with no legs a chicken nugget."
She's like, "Fuck that. I'm a grown woman."
"I want a man that can stand up for me." I was like, "That's crazy."
"I deserve a man that can stand up for me."
"Get there, he's a boneless chicken wing. I can't believe it."
"I was like, 'a boneless wing?'"
"How we gonna go on a hike anyway, huh? In a shopping cart?"
"I'm gonna just push him around a whole mountain trail."
"I get a mountain bike, put him in the basket,
I'm peddling my ass off,
he pointing at the moon, talking about he wanna phone home."
"I don't understand, Nate. I'm a good woman."
I was like, "I am so sorry. I am so sorry."
But I gotta be honest, once she said he didn't have no legs, all I heard was,
"Wah-wah-wah, w-w-wah-wah-wah."
Straight Charlie Brown teacher mode.
'Cause every man in the history of men,
once you hear somebody ain't got no legs, you got one burning question.
And, fellas, be honest, if you were just with your homeboys,
no girls around,
y'all gonna be like, "Okay."
"But, um…"
"…did you fuck?"
That's all we wanna know!
Shit.
Fuck legs. I wanna know, "Did you hit that?"
She was like, "Absolutely not, and nothing to do with the legs. He was a liar."
"Had he been honest to me about the legs, maybe, but it was the lies for me."
I was like, "You are a liar!"
"It was the legs! You want a man that can do a jumping jack. Be honest."
And it's his fault. It's his fault. I've thought about this at great lengths.
I don't smoke weed, but these are things I think about late at night.
If something happened and I didn't have legs,
I do believe I could get some pussy before women realize I ain't got no legs.
Look at you, like, "How the fuck?"
I've thought about this.
You come to my house, I'm in a bubble bath.
It's hella bubbles. You gonna imagine legs are under there.
It's not. There's no legs in there. It's dick and deceit.
"Get in the water, bitch. The water is fine. Get in the water."
I think I could do it.
She didn't do it, though. And I'm like, "Why are you like that?"
"Like, you shorted yourself a wonderful core memory, you know?"
Life is what you've been through.
Like, she could have turnt up and been like, "one time at band camp,"
but she didn't.
She thinks she's better than us, and that's terrible.
Let me tell you about me.
You may not know this, but, uh, if I get dressed up,
take me in the shower, get on my deodorant,
socks, draws, wifebeater, get dressed,
fill my truck up with gas and drive across town,
expecting a legged woman,
and I get there, and then she's just propped up on the counter…
…with her elbow on the microwave…
…and she's just wigglin' her lil' nubs like that…
…I'm gonna fuck, and…
I am. I know who I am. I'm gonna fuck.
It's not gonna take me long to decide, either.
I was expecting legs.
She was sending me photoshopped pictures of her body on her little friend's legs,
all of that.
I get there, I'm still holding the door. I'm in the doorway.
See, most men get in, get comfortable, then start asking questions.
Not me. I don't beat around the bush. I wanna know what the fuck going on.
I'm in the doorway on the linoleum.
"The fuck happened to your legs?"
She like, "I ain't got no legs."
"You want some pussy or not?"
I'ma do it!
'Cause legs be in the way.
Be honest, legs be in the way. Fellas, be honest.
You ever been with your girl after brunch, she drunk, like…
"I want some dick, yeah"?
You're like, "Okay, let me get to the pussy then."
"Ha-ha-ha! Find it! Yeah! Find it!"
"Ha-ha!"
"If you can get by my legs, you can have it!"
You're like, "What the fuck is going on?"
I don't gotta deal with that. She ain't got no legs.
You know how many positions you can do without legs in the way?
She grown. She just ain't no legs. She wants some dick.
She right there on the ground, talking about, "Up, up, up, up, up."
"Up, up."
But she's 44 or 45.
Nice little age. She's like, "Give me some of that dick, young man."
"Oh, who you calling 'young man'?"
"You don't know who you fucking with, girl. Shit."
You about to be a helicopter, fucking with me.
I'm gonna pick her up, put her on the dick. "Fa, da, da, da!"
She like, "Ah-ha-ha-ha!"
"Yeah!"
"Spin me again!" "You going the other way, bitch!"
"Da, da, da!" "Ah-ha-ha! Yeah! Ha-ha!"
Fuck around, get good to me. I'm like, "Yeah!"
Fuck!
Unequivocally, I was like, "If a woman don't got no legs, I'm fuckin'."
What about you, bro? Would you do it?
No.
No?
You got a hickey on your neck right now, freaky-ass boy.
You're not gonna. What about you? Would you fuck a girl with no legs?
-No. -No? Okay. What about you? Hmm?
-Lying! -Yeah, they lying their asses off.
You would? Real man right there, being honest.
Appreciate that. Hell yeah. What about you?
Jake, you ain't got no bitches. Would you smash?
He's like, "Yeah, I would."
What about you, huh, barbecue steel, Indiana Jones?
Be honest. It could be her.
What is she didn't have no legs?
He said, "Give me that ass, girl!"
He said, "She ain't even gotta have arms."
"She could be a sexy caterpillar, fucking with me."
"He's a liar."
But you not gonna do it? You think you're better than us, huh?
-No. -Interesting.
Okay, what if… what if… Some men need to know why.
So let's just give you what happened to her leg. So…
So she's a patriot.
She was fighting for your freedom.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She was overseas, and she was in the barracks,
one of them tents, and a lonely grenade rolled in.
And she saw it. She's like, "Yo, there's a grenade!"
And nobody else heard her.
She just had that moment where you just realize what you have to do.
She was just like, "America."
And she jumped on the grenade. Pow!
It blew both her legs off.
Pussy in pristine condition.
Nothing happened to the pussy.
Matter of fact, it was almost like the explosion pushed all the juices up.
The pussy looked like it was in a… in a glass museum.
The pussy looked immaculate.
Okay?
Now you at your house, 2:15 in the morning,
Hennessy in your system.
Your dick hard.
Your dick harder than hard.
Shiny.
That's the hardest form of a dick. That's the full evolution.
If a dick was a Pokémon, Shiny…
I don't know if y'all ever been there.
Shiny is where all of the meat inside your dick is like,
"What in the fuck we about to do?"
Ain't no more meat left.
"You ran out of skin."
Ain't enough skin for all the meat inside of the dick.
It's taut.
You look down at your own dick and see reflections of shit in your room.
It hurts. You're like, "I gotta put this in something."
"I gotta do something."
Your girl ain't there. She's nowhere be found.
You're by yourself. Hand full of lotion. You're gonna fix it.
And right before you get to go to town, you hear a knock at the door.
You go to the door, hand full of lotion, pants at your knees.
You look in the peephole. You don't see shit.
You see your whole porch out there, goddammit.
"Huh. Must be the wind."
And your dick like, "Come on, man. Let's go do this."
So you head back to the room. You hear another knock.
You go back… you look, you don't see nothing again.
Now you start lying. "I got a gun in here!"
You do, but not right now.
Right now your pants down, your hand full of lotion.You're helpless.
Your dick's shiny.
It's literally wobbling when you walk.
And then, out of nowhere, the door gets kicked…
Uh, the door…
Shit.
The door gets, goddamn, this. It gets, uh…
Goddamn.
It gets, like, shouldered.
It gets that Gerry Bertier, Remember the Titans.
It just…"Left side!"
"Strong side!"
The door just fly open. Pow! She fall in.
"Oh my God! Oh! Oh!"
"Oh! Oh!"
"Oh my God! I don't have any legs!"
"Give me some dick! Your dick is shiny!"
"It's shiny!"
"I'm a war hero."
"I'm Lieutenant Danielle."
Would you do it then?
I'm still saying no.
He's like, "I'm still saying no."
He's like, "I'll do it. Fuck it."
He said, "I'm doing it for America."
That's gay.
I described a hypothetical woman with no legs, and he didn't want to do it,
but when I tooted my ass in his face…
…that won him over.
He was like, "Ooh, this shit getting good!"
"Ooh, shit. I didn't know he was gonna act an ass."
Maybe just stay single, Jake. Fuck it. It ain't worth it.
Because this is the kind of shit you gotta go through when you chase the dragon.
I'ma get outta here, but I wanna do this on the way out,
'cause people say that all we got up here is salmon, uh, white women, and coffee,
and this crowd shows a lot of diversity.
They say we're dumb here. Did you know that?
So I want it to show the world that we actually… we smart.
So we gonna play a game.
I need everybody to participate,
even if you're in the Mexican row and you mad at me.
I need you to stay involved.
Barbecue man, barbecue lady, I need you in there. Lock in.
Mr. Man bun… I need you involved.
So we gonna show the world that we smart here.
I'm gonna ask you some math questions.
The one Asian like, "I not the kind that count."
"I the kind that cook. Different kind."
We about to do this. You better get ready. "Herro," it's happening.
-Ten plus ten? -Twenty.
Not enough. Ten plus ten?
Twenty!
-Plus five? -25.
-Plus five? -Thirty.
Divided by two?
Fifteen.
-Divided by two? -Seven and a half.
You see that, America?
We handled a decimal. Nobody…. nobody dropped the ball.
Even our rednecks are like, "Seven and a half."
Now we gonna show off. I'm gonna go faster. 7.5 plus 0.5?
Eight.
-Plus two? -Ten.
-Times seven. -70.
Plus seven?
-77. -Divided by 11?
-Seven. -Minus two?
-Five. -Minus one?
-Four -Divided by two?
-Two. -Minus one?
-One. -Minus one?
-Zero. -Final answer?
Zero!
And that is exactly how many bitches he got.
Seattle, Washington, I love y'all, man.
-Okay, okay, okay -Ah!
-Tell 'em how we gonna come -Crunk!
-Tell 'em why they don't want none -Crunk!
-Tell 'em why they better run -Crunk!
-Crunk! Crunk! -Ooh!
But you look excited, sir,
with the Harry and the Hendersons forehead.
I am.
Scoot down just a little bit. Just scoot down. Right… right there.
Why is it so shiny?
He looks like he stopped in the airport. "Shoeshine!"
I want y'all to light up the balcony, and I'm gonna talk some shit up there too.
That lady laugh like a crackhead.
She's like, "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"Ah-ha-ha!"
Y'all, give it up for Ruben Studdard, man. He made it out.
Hell yeah. And right in front of him, Nelly's father.
I'm going down, down, baby Your street in a Range Rover
Let me see. Who is that in all that hair up there?
Ooh, shit.
Rapunzel, Rapunzel!
Let your hair down!
She's trying to let it down.
Listen… if I grab that, it's coming off.
Let's go up.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh…
Ooh… shit.
Ooh, shit.
Ooh, I can't. I can't. Ooh-wee!
Shit. You look beautiful, sir.
You're beautiful.
Goddamn. He look just like my dick.
As soon as I looked at him, I was like…
Fuck!
Yeah!
Crunk!
-Break it on down -Crunk!
Crunk! it on down -Crunk!