1
00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:08,174
Turn my music up for my dawg!

2
00:00:10,802 --> 00:00:11,678
I love it!

3
00:00:11,761 --> 00:00:15,849
Make some noise right now
for Nate Jackson!

4
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,937
-Tell 'em why they better run
-Crunk!

5
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,063
Crunk!

6
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:23,231
Crunk!

7
00:00:29,779 --> 00:00:31,990
What up? What up?
What up? What up? What up?

8
00:00:32,073 --> 00:00:34,325
Y'all, sit down! Sit down! Sit down!

9
00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:35,910
Sit down! Sit down!

10
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:39,080
Sit down! What up, y'all? What up?

11
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:41,833
Man, I'm feeling the love.

12
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:43,793
Y'all got the energy crazy
in here right now.

13
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,628
I love that.

14
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:48,965
Crazy. Crazy.

15
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,468
I wanna talk about something
before I start. I wanna say this.

16
00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:54,512
When you guys give compliments and say,
"Hey, Nate, you're doing your thing,"

17
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,306
let's just keep it at that, 'kay?

18
00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:58,600
'Cause, um…

19
00:00:58,683 --> 00:01:02,187
…what I don't like is when, um,
people come up to me and say,

20
00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:05,565
"Hey, your career is going great.
I love your stuff, big dog."

21
00:01:05,648 --> 00:01:06,566
Um…

22
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:11,321
It's the "big dog" for me.
Like, who the fuck?

23
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:13,031
Who are you talking to?

24
00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:15,366
I'm medium, bitch.
I'm a cocker spaniel now.

25
00:01:16,659 --> 00:01:20,330
I've been doing 10,000 steps a day.
"Big dog" is hella disrespectful.

26
00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,166
I'm sick of skinny people
coming up to fat people,

27
00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:25,293
telling us what size they think we are.

28
00:01:25,376 --> 00:01:26,920
We don't do that to you.

29
00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:29,380
"What's up, big dog?"
"What's up, rib cage?" The fuck?

30
00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,509
That's hella disrespectful.

31
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:34,886
"What's up, big dog?"
"What's up, 23 cents a day?"

32
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,432
Disrespectful.

33
00:01:40,308 --> 00:01:42,101
If you're skinny, say "yeah, yeah."

34
00:01:42,185 --> 00:01:44,938
-"Yeah, yeah."
-If you big, say "Yeah, yeah."

35
00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:47,190
-"Yeah, yeah!"
-See what I'm saying?

36
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:50,276
You keep talking shit,
we gon' eat your bitch ass.

37
00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:53,279
I'm sick of it.

38
00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:56,366
Skinny people tell fat people
what they're doing wrong all the time.

39
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:58,159
Didn't nobody ask you, first of all.

40
00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:00,954
I'm fat 'cause I like food.
It is what it is.

41
00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:03,998
I earned this body.
This is from me saying "yes."

42
00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:06,125
I said "yes."

43
00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:09,003
"You got room for dessert?"
"Yes, I do have room for dessert."

44
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:12,173
"Would you like pie or cake?"

45
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:13,132
"Yes."

46
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:18,972
This is America. Everybody fat here.
Might as well embrace it.

47
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:22,559
It's nine calories
per deep breath in America.

48
00:02:25,019 --> 00:02:27,689
Fat people, is it me or the day you say
you'll get your life together,

49
00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:29,149
they drop the new snacks?

50
00:02:31,192 --> 00:02:33,486
I'm like, "I'm about to cut down
on all the bullshit."

51
00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,196
"I'm not eating nothing bad."

52
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,489
And KFC was like,

53
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:39,242
"Check out the new chicken pizza!"

54
00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,704
I was like,
"Nigga, they got chicken pizza?"

55
00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:46,374
And then they put it on the screen,
and they had it rotating,

56
00:02:46,457 --> 00:02:48,459
and all the light
was glistening off of it.

57
00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:49,544
I had just ate.

58
00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:51,838
I was full.

59
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:56,301
But I was, like, "I gotta go get
one of those immediately. Absolutely."

60
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:58,469
I'm with my homeboy. He saw it too.

61
00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:01,055
He was like, "Nigga."

62
00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:03,349
And he's white.
I was like, "Wait a minute."

63
00:03:06,185 --> 00:03:09,689
"What the fuck, Trevor?"
"I'm sorry. I got overwhelmed."

64
00:03:09,772 --> 00:03:12,609
"Yeah, 'overwhelmed,' your ass.
Get your car keys. We going to get it."

65
00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:15,069
"Shotgun. And you're buying my shit."

66
00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:17,697
"And you're learning about civil rights
all the way to KFC."

67
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:20,116
"Fuck wrong with you?"

68
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:25,038
I'm fat now 'cause of Crumbl Cookies.
I ain't even gonna hold you.

69
00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:29,834
I know people have had Crumbl Cookies,
and you're like, "I just don't get it."

70
00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:31,252
Go back.

71
00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:36,716
They change them out
every Monday morning at 7:28 a.m.

72
00:03:36,799 --> 00:03:39,844
Don't ask me how I know the schedule.
Just know I'm plugged in.

73
00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:44,182
Crumbl Cookies don't even sit in the box
like regular cookies.

74
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:45,642
Regular cookies just be in the box.

75
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:48,102
Crumbl Cookies be in the box
like, "What's up, bitch?"

76
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:52,273
"What's up? You take a bite out of me?
What's up, baby boy?"

77
00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:55,318
They down there selling cultural cookies

78
00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:58,488
to make you come get a cookie
just to support your people.

79
00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:00,865
I'm not bullshitting. Listen.

80
00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:06,496
Cinco de Mayo, they dropped
a la leche, flan, churro cookie.

81
00:04:07,538 --> 00:04:11,084
This is the most racist Mexican cookie
I ever heard of.

82
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:13,086
Mexicans, they're like,
"How do you do all three?"

83
00:04:13,169 --> 00:04:14,128
They figured it out.

84
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,548
I called my Mexican homeboy up.

85
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:20,843
I'm like, "Bro, they are selling
recipes from your culture

86
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,096
to get you to come down there and eat."

87
00:04:23,179 --> 00:04:25,139
He was like,
"I'm already down here, fool."

88
00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:29,727
"The fuck you mean, already down there?"
He's like, "Yeah, I'm down here, bro."

89
00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:32,563
"I've been here since cuatro de Mayo, man.
We camped out."

90
00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:36,192
"You've been there since yesterday?"

91
00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:39,320
"You're gonna eat those racist cookies?"

92
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:41,531
He's, like, "They're delicious, fool."

93
00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:44,325
"Wait till February." He hung up.
I'm like, "February?"

94
00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:49,497
"Why does February matter?"

95
00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:51,207
February came around.

96
00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:53,209
Cornbread cookies.

97
00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,380
I'm not bullshitting. Cornbread cookies.

98
00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:01,467
When I tell you, I've never driven
across town that fast in my life…

99
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:02,969
I was drifting.

100
00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:05,221
Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!

101
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,057
And it better be good too,
or I'm protesting, bitch.

102
00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:10,768
Fucking delicious.

103
00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:14,313
I'm talking about, it was so good,
if your grandma had one right now,

104
00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:17,900
I'd beat the shit out your grandma
for that last cookie.

105
00:05:19,944 --> 00:05:22,905
Skinny people think fat people fat
'cause we don't got gym memberships.

106
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:23,823
We do.

107
00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:26,200
We do! I got two right now.

108
00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:29,746
I got all the equipment
that's ever been on an infomercial.

109
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:31,914
I got ab rollers. I got a Shake Weight.

110
00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:36,336
I was using it too.
I was like, "Yeah, this is… this is…"

111
00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:41,966
Fuck around and walked by a mirror,
like, "Hell no!"

112
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,302
What the fu…

113
00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:46,179
What the fuck?

114
00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:49,223
I threw that shit
under the bed. Absolutely not.

115
00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:55,897
I did P90X.
I was sweating like a motherfucker.

116
00:05:56,981 --> 00:06:01,527
And he was like, "That's the warm-up."
I was like…"Excuse me?"

117
00:06:02,361 --> 00:06:04,697
"I'm done."

118
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:09,869
"I just did the P. I'll have to come back,
get the 90 tomorrow."

119
00:06:09,952 --> 00:06:13,039
"Goddamn. I might not get to the X.
I swear to God."

120
00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:16,793
Two gym memberships,
one of them 24 Hour Fitness.

121
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:19,504
I got that in case I ever wanna work out
in the middle of the night.

122
00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:21,506
I've had that four years.

123
00:06:21,589 --> 00:06:24,592
I don't know what the paint looks like
inside the goddamn building.

124
00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:28,805
I ain't never had a need
to work out at 3:30 in the morning.

125
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:31,557
I've seen people at the gym
at 3:30 in the morning.

126
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:34,268
After I leave the club and IHOP,
I stop by.

127
00:06:34,852 --> 00:06:36,771
Seen the people in there,
dedicated, working out.

128
00:06:36,854 --> 00:06:39,315
I'm like, "Look at these
crackhead motherfuckers in here."

129
00:06:40,858 --> 00:06:42,944
I roll my window down. "Go to bed!"

130
00:06:43,027 --> 00:06:45,780
"Eat a sandwich!"

131
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:50,535
Listen, the membership
that I really like is Planet Fitness,

132
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,622
because it's clean,
and it's a no-judgment zone.

133
00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:56,999
But that's the part I got an issue with.

134
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,210
Like, they need to
change that slogan, man.

135
00:06:59,293 --> 00:07:01,379
"No judgment" is crazy. Like, none?

136
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:04,966
This is America.
We all judging a little bit.

137
00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:08,970
They needed to put that on the wall.
"A little bit of judgment wouldn't hurt."

138
00:07:09,053 --> 00:07:10,263
That's what it should say.

139
00:07:10,346 --> 00:07:12,431
"No judgment" is crazy.

140
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:17,311
There was a man laying…
laying on his stomach.

141
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,315
Okay, you know the machine
you 'spose to lay on your stomach

142
00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:22,608
and do your legs like this?

143
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,360
-Leg curl.
-What's it called?

144
00:07:24,443 --> 00:07:26,904
-Leg curl.
-The leg curl? Thank you, uh, creatine.

145
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,865
What the fuck?

146
00:07:30,241 --> 00:07:31,409
He doing this.

147
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,494
Right? This is the machine.

148
00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:35,746
He the other way. He doing his neck.

149
00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:38,124
This is where we need judgment.

150
00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:40,793
Somebody gotta come up
like, "Hey, man, what the fuck?"

151
00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:43,379
Right? And nobody was saying anything
'cause of "no judgment."

152
00:07:43,462 --> 00:07:45,798
You're not supposed to say nothing.
Be quiet, make no noise.

153
00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:49,135
I said something. I walked up.
I'm like, "Fam, turn that shit around."

154
00:07:49,218 --> 00:07:50,553
"Bro, you can't…"

155
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:52,221
You know? "Why are you doing neck-ups?"

156
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:56,476
Whose dick you getting ready to suck
that you need to be clearing 45 pounds,

157
00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:58,895
15 goddamn times for three sets?

158
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:00,855
Are you about to go
to the Avengers house, nigga?

159
00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:03,649
Is Thor waiting on you
to come through with a superhero neck?

160
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:05,318
Turn your dumb ass around.

161
00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:07,653
Do you know the staff came
and talked to me?

162
00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:11,657
They saw this fool,
and they walked up to me.

163
00:08:12,241 --> 00:08:14,285
"Hey, man, leave him alone.
It's no-judgment zone."

164
00:08:14,368 --> 00:08:15,870
"He's using it how he feels fit."

165
00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:18,331
I was like, "First of all,
uh, his dick and balls

166
00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:20,583
are where my face gonna go
if I get on there next."

167
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:26,464
Ridiculous. They want you
to be quiet at the gym.

168
00:08:26,547 --> 00:08:29,300
It's the only gym in the world
got a button on the wall you can hit

169
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:31,677
if somebody loud,
and they come out and get 'em.

170
00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:33,638
They put 'em the fuck out the gym.

171
00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:37,225
It's called a lunk alert.
You hit it, "Pow!" Purple lights go off.

172
00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:39,936
Security and shit be rolling all out
from the bench presses

173
00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:41,646
and popping out the locker room and shit.

174
00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:43,648
"Where the fuck were y'all at
when I came in?"

175
00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:45,983
They're like, "You're too loud.
Get your ass outta here."

176
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:47,818
That's what they do.

177
00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:50,029
They want you to lift weights
and be quiet.

178
00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:52,531
-You know how stupid that is?
-Right.

179
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:55,618
This ain't no library.
You should be able to say something.

180
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:56,869
The point of lifting weights

181
00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:59,163
is what you got now
is the heaviest you've ever lifted.

182
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:01,165
-You supposed to beat yesterday.
-Right.

183
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:04,252
So I'm gonna pick up
the heaviest shit I've ever picked up,

184
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:07,421
and you want me to just
breathe out my nose, I can't say nothing?

185
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:11,175
I'm just like…

186
00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:12,385
Hell no.

187
00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:14,512
The gym is supposed to be loud and wild.

188
00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:17,014
Supposed to be white dudes
in the corner shaking their thighs,

189
00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:18,599
like, "Yeah, motherfucker."

190
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:23,771
Fucking doing smelling salts.
"Yeah, motherfucker! Bitch!"

191
00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:26,065
"Fuck yeah! Yell!"

192
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,031
But I gotta be quiet.

193
00:09:34,615 --> 00:09:36,784
That's crazy to me.
I don't even bust a nut quiet.

194
00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:38,369
How the fuck…?

195
00:09:38,452 --> 00:09:40,997
I don't. I'm…
That might be too much information.

196
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,623
But I like to make noise.

197
00:09:43,332 --> 00:09:45,293
I make noise, and I cuss at the end.

198
00:09:46,877 --> 00:09:48,379
I like to get right under earlobe,

199
00:09:48,462 --> 00:09:50,381
right over that clavicle
on that neck right there.

200
00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:54,093
I be like…

201
00:09:55,469 --> 00:09:56,512
"Fuck!"

202
00:09:58,931 --> 00:10:00,224
That's how I bust.

203
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:03,603
You gotta say something.

204
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:06,355
It don't feel complete, as a man,
if you don't say something.

205
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,735
"Fuck!"

206
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:14,989
"Whoo!" You can "whoo" after.
"Whoo!" You can do that after.

207
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,992
Ladies, if you haven't heard that,

208
00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:21,996
if a man hasn't said that
at the end of him busting a nut,

209
00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:25,207
your pussy's trash,
and I don't want you to get…

210
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:28,044
Hey. Hey. Basura.
Hey, don't get mad at me!

211
00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:31,505
"Basura," that's "trash" in Spanish.

212
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:36,802
'Cause women with good pussy,
they know. They wait on it.

213
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:40,222
They know it's coming. You be like…

214
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:43,184
She's like, "Let it out. Come on."

215
00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:44,518
"Go ahead, let it out."

216
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:46,437
"Fuck!"

217
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,439
"I know. I know."

218
00:10:48,522 --> 00:10:51,651
"You were talking all that shit at work,
you gonna blow my back out."

219
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,404
"Look at you,
sucking your thumb, punk ass."

220
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:58,366
"Look at your ass."

221
00:10:58,866 --> 00:11:01,952
You gotta say something.

222
00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:04,246
It's weird if you don't.
It's just empty air?

223
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:17,802
"You hungry? You want…"

224
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,138
Absolutely not.

225
00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:25,226
You gotta say something.
I don't care who you are. Even a pastor.

226
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:30,815
That's the kind of pastor I want.
I need to know my pastor bust hard.

227
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,281
Hallelujah

228
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,243
Fuck

229
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,080
"I done busted anoint."

230
00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:51,001
"You bust a nut. I bust anoint."

231
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:52,712
"Oh, that ji…"

232
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:55,798
"That was in there pressed down."
"It was in their shaking."

233
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:59,218
"It was running over."
"It was up inside of me."

234
00:11:59,301 --> 00:12:01,220
"And it had to get out."

235
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:03,764
Hey, man, these are jokes.

236
00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:08,227
I ain't going to hell.

237
00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:15,943
Fuck!

238
00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:20,197
There was even girls.

239
00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:22,450
"Fuck!"

240
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,243
"Fuck!"

241
00:12:24,326 --> 00:12:26,662
We don't bust the same. Girls get stupid.

242
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,415
"Fuck!"

243
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:32,126
"Fuck!"

244
00:12:32,209 --> 00:12:34,712
"Fuck!"

245
00:12:34,795 --> 00:12:38,424
"Fuck!"

246
00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:46,223
"No judgment, though!"

247
00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:53,189
All right, listen.

248
00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:55,775
Rule number one.

249
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,235
If I look at you…

250
00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:02,448
…and you don't want no smoke,

251
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:04,658
look away.

252
00:13:07,661 --> 00:13:08,788
That's rule number one.

253
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:12,875
We did, like, 180 cities
in the last two and a half years,

254
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:16,170
and every single show,
that is the rule and the standard.

255
00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:19,173
I do not get people
unless they lock eyes with the bull

256
00:13:19,256 --> 00:13:21,008
and give me consent.

257
00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:26,138
So in every video you've seen
where I'm tearing somebody's ass apart,

258
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:29,475
you need to know
that it started with them locking eyes.

259
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:32,186
And wanting all of the bullshit.

260
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:35,189
As a matter of fact,
this is called the Roast Zone.

261
00:13:35,272 --> 00:13:38,943
If anybody is accidentally down here,
it's time to get the fuck out.

262
00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:45,533
'Cause rule number two is,
if I look at you and you look at me,

263
00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:47,576
and I start,

264
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:50,746
and you don't like
what I decided to talk about,

265
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:54,041
looking away will no longer save you.

266
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,754
You gotta do it
at the top of the interaction.

267
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,423
You're not gonna just be
taste-testing my jokes.

268
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:04,927
People do that.
They lock eyes with me, then I start.

269
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,054
They're like,
"He talking about my snaggletooth."

270
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:10,140
"Oh my God."

271
00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:13,853
They be acting blind. "Oh, he can't see me
if I can't see him."

272
00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:15,229
Georgia

273
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:18,482
Georgia

274
00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:23,153
If you act blind,
I'm gonna destroy your whole row.

275
00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:31,245
Rule number three, don't be sensitive
on behalf of other people.

276
00:14:31,328 --> 00:14:34,415
Not in here, not tonight.

277
00:14:34,498 --> 00:14:36,500
Outside of here,
you should look after your neighbor.

278
00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:38,252
It'd be a better place, a better world.

279
00:14:38,335 --> 00:14:41,171
Okay? But in here tonight…

280
00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:42,423
fuck 'em.

281
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:52,141
Now, listen.

282
00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:55,436
I'm well aware that
the only people that just clapped for that

283
00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:57,187
are the assholes.

284
00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:00,816
And you know who you are.

285
00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:04,862
But there's people in here
that have big hearts. They're empaths.

286
00:15:04,945 --> 00:15:08,073
When something's happening to
somebody else, they feel connected to it.

287
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:10,701
I have to say it again. Not tonight.

288
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,622
I want you to know,
I'm not talking to every demographic.

289
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:16,707
I'm talking to white women specifically.

290
00:15:18,208 --> 00:15:20,336
Yeah, I've been doing comedy for 21 years.

291
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:23,130
I know exactly
which demographic gets sensitive first.

292
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:28,052
They touch their elbow
and start asking for police, managers.

293
00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:30,804
"I'm sorry. I… I just… I just can't."

294
00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:33,766
"No, I… I understand,
but it's too much for me,

295
00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:35,267
and I just feel like…"

296
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:38,312
Not tonight. You hear me, white lady?
Not "no, I just feel like…"

297
00:15:38,395 --> 00:15:40,272
Let your damn elbow go.

298
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,274
Right there.
Yeah, you got that look. Look out.

299
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:45,027
You touch your elbow,
police be parachuting in this bitch.

300
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:52,326
And you may not be that person,
but there's something in your blood,

301
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,954
your heritage that makes you just…
It's what they do.

302
00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:58,791
White women been doing this,
long before the Karen name.

303
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:02,211
Medieval times, they were there.

304
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:05,506
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they were there.

305
00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:10,552
White people riding on horses, full speed,
with whatever this shit is called.

306
00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:15,099
"Whoa, Cinnamon.
Whoa, whoa. Whoa, Cinnamon."

307
00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:17,351
"Whoa, Cinnamon."

308
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:20,312
Kings and Queens,

309
00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:24,358
round table, sword in the stone,

310
00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:25,359
white women.

311
00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:28,278
They were there, tattletaling.

312
00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:29,321
"Sire!"

313
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:36,286
"Sire. No, sire, one of the court jesters
has gone too far. Please."

314
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:41,083
"May I suggest a beheading expeditiously,

315
00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:43,544
as winter is coming?"

316
00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:47,881
Prehistoric times.

317
00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:52,594
Woolly mammoth,
saber-toothed tigers, nobody's safe.

318
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:56,098
Going outside is a dangerous activity.

319
00:16:56,181 --> 00:17:00,019
You leave with seven people, "Rawr!"
You come back with five.

320
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,314
Uncle and auntie gone. Ain't no funeral.

321
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:07,568
You just put an "X"
over their stick figure inside the cave.

322
00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:12,031
That's right.

323
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:16,785
Woolly mammoths, saber-toothed tigers,
white women, they were there.

324
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:19,163
They were there!

325
00:17:20,664 --> 00:17:21,832
In the cave,

326
00:17:22,624 --> 00:17:23,542
complaining.

327
00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:33,469
"Ooga booga."

328
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:38,974
"Ooga booga, boo-booga,
ooga ooga boo-booga."

329
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:39,892
"Manager."

330
00:17:39,975 --> 00:17:41,602
"Ooga booga booga!"

331
00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:43,479
"Ooga boo-booga. Police."

332
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:45,272
"Ooga boo-booga booga."

333
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,275
And you got superpowers.

334
00:17:48,358 --> 00:17:49,818
Anybody could touch their elbow,

335
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,988
but everybody don't get
the same police response time.

336
00:17:54,364 --> 00:17:56,408
I didn't make the rules.
It's just, this America.

337
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:58,744
It really is a thing.

338
00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:01,622
It's hand, elbow,
somebody Black going to jail.

339
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:05,375
Hand, elbow, nigga, jail.

340
00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:09,963
Hand, elbow, nigga, jail!

341
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:13,967
Everybody, sing it with me!

342
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:16,178
-Ha…
-Shut the fuck up!

343
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,056
Shut up!

344
00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:20,974
Way too many white people
took a deep breath.

345
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:24,937
Motherfuckers was gonna say it. I saw you.

346
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:26,355
He was like…

347
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,398
"Oh shit, I was…"

348
00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:32,027
"I can't wait for that third word,
motherfucker! I'm gonna say it!"

349
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:34,238
Not tonight, white people.

350
00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:38,617
You almost got your hand
on your elbow now. Calm down.

351
00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:52,381
It's important. It's the whole reason
why rule number three exists.

352
00:18:52,464 --> 00:18:55,342
Let me tell you guys how this happened.
We was in Ontario, California.

353
00:18:55,425 --> 00:18:58,804
There was a man in a wheelchair,
right where you're sitting in the glasses.

354
00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:00,305
I like what you're doing with that.

355
00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:04,059
He was in a wheelchair.
And there's two kinds of wheelchairs.

356
00:19:04,601 --> 00:19:06,562
There's the no-insurance wheelchair.

357
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:11,191
Everybody's seen the wheelchair.

358
00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:14,027
It's the one in the back
of the Rite Aid, CVS.

359
00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:16,655
It's next to the little thing
you put your arm in,

360
00:19:16,738 --> 00:19:17,739
get your blood pressure.

361
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:21,952
When somebody finish up with it,
they fold it up and leave it there

362
00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:23,954
for the next person with no insurance.

363
00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:25,038
They got the pedals on it.

364
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:27,332
You gotta put the pedals down,
then your feet up.

365
00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:28,500
You do everything yourself.

366
00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:31,503
You wanna turn right, you gotta push it.
You wanna go left, you pull it.

367
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:32,838
You gotta work hard.

368
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:36,049
That's the no-insurance wheelchair, okay?

369
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:39,136
My man didn't have that one.
Something happened to him at work.

370
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:40,971
He was paid.

371
00:19:41,054 --> 00:19:44,099
I could tell he was rich,
because his feet were elevated.

372
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:49,938
This is the insurance, L&I claim,
"I won the lawsuit" wheelchair.

373
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:55,235
This is the "I fell off a ladder
at my government job" wheelchair.

374
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:57,821
I'm talking about, he had on shoes
that were ten years old,

375
00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,615
and they looked brand-goddamn-new.

376
00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:02,576
They have never touched the ground before
in the life of the shoe.

377
00:20:02,659 --> 00:20:05,704
It went from shelf to feet,
feet to shelf, shelf, feet,

378
00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:07,789
feet, shelf, shelf, feet.

379
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,708
Feet, shelf.

380
00:20:09,791 --> 00:20:13,462
They never touched the ground.
He on a memory foam pillow. Tesla battery.

381
00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:18,717
He got a joystick. "Zuh! Zuh!"
He ain't doing nothing, man. "Zuh!"

382
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,386
He barking. "Zuh, zuh, zuh!"
"I'll go. I'll…" "Zuh, zuh!"

383
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:24,056
'64 Impala hydraulics.

384
00:20:24,139 --> 00:20:26,975
And he was sitting right there.

385
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:30,479
Roast Zone, paid a premium,
wanted some smoke.

386
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,148
Nothing worked
but his face and two fingers.

387
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,316
His face was locked on me.

388
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:36,401
He wasn't even blinking
as much as he should.

389
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:40,113
He wanted some. I walked out,
he was looking at me, eyes juicy.

390
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:43,867
I looked in his eyes,
and I looked at what was going on,

391
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:46,286
I was like, "Hell no."

392
00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:49,915
"I'm not roasting a paraplegic.
I ain't going to hell for nobody."

393
00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:50,916
"I'm sorry."

394
00:20:50,999 --> 00:20:54,586
"Absolutely, I'm not doing it.
He gets a pass." So I roasted around him.

395
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,840
That way, he can live vicariously
through the other roasts.

396
00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:01,301
I moved on.
I start working this side of the room.

397
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:04,388
I'm cooking on this side.
He noticed I was done over here.

398
00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:05,806
He took offense to that.

399
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:08,517
He starts trying to get my attention.

400
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,310
He's like…"Nate."

401
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:19,569
"Nate!"

402
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:24,366
"Nate!"

403
00:21:24,449 --> 00:21:26,368
I ignored it. I got a job to do.

404
00:21:28,745 --> 00:21:30,414
I ignored it. He started whisper-yelling.

405
00:21:30,497 --> 00:21:33,458
That's when I couldn't focus no more.
He broke my attention. He was like…

406
00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:36,086
"Nate…"

407
00:21:36,878 --> 00:21:40,257
"Nate…"

408
00:21:41,425 --> 00:21:43,260
"N…"

409
00:21:43,343 --> 00:21:45,554
"Nate!"

410
00:21:45,637 --> 00:21:47,848
That's the one that got me.
I was like, "What?! What?!"

411
00:21:48,932 --> 00:21:51,268
"Will you please let me do my show, fam?"

412
00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:55,897
He was like…"How come
when you roasted everyone

413
00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:58,775
over here…

414
00:21:59,568 --> 00:22:02,487
you didn't get me?"

415
00:22:05,032 --> 00:22:07,576
My heart dropped. I was like, "Oh my God."

416
00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:10,495
"This moment is happening."

417
00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:14,332
"This is my worst nightmare,
as somebody that fucks with the audience,

418
00:22:14,875 --> 00:22:17,669
he wants some smoke,
and I just can't… I can't do it."

419
00:22:19,046 --> 00:22:21,715
I looked at him and was like,
"Man, life's already on your ass."

420
00:22:21,798 --> 00:22:24,718
"Just let me… just let me do my show."

421
00:22:27,679 --> 00:22:30,724
I looked in his eyes. You could tell…
The eyes are of the window to the soul.

422
00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:33,602
They were juicy and jovial.
I could tell he was a playful soul.

423
00:22:33,685 --> 00:22:35,896
As soon as I looked at him, he was like…

424
00:22:37,064 --> 00:22:40,025
Like, he knew this was his moment
to act the damn fool.

425
00:22:40,817 --> 00:22:42,986
He was like…"Are you sure…"

426
00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:47,324
"…it's not because…"

427
00:22:48,742 --> 00:22:50,035
"…you're a bitch?"

428
00:22:52,954 --> 00:22:54,831
I said, "Wha…"

429
00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:57,167
"What the fuck is happening right now?"

430
00:22:57,250 --> 00:22:59,378
"I come out here to do my job."

431
00:22:59,461 --> 00:23:01,463
"I give him a pass. Now I'm a bitch?!"

432
00:23:01,546 --> 00:23:04,549
"Okay, Mario Kart, let's get into it."

433
00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:09,054
So I called him Mario Kart,
and he laughed immediately.

434
00:23:09,137 --> 00:23:11,139
He was like, "Ah-ha!"

435
00:23:11,223 --> 00:23:15,977
He laughed so hard, his tongue came out,
somebody put it back in. It was amazing.

436
00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:18,397
Once he laughed,
it gave everybody permission to laugh.

437
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:19,856
It was that sweet spot in comedy

438
00:23:19,940 --> 00:23:22,317
where we not laughing at him,
we laughing with him.

439
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,570
It's the golden moment in comedy,
and it was perfect.

440
00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:28,490
And he was laughing his ass off,
and I kept hitting him with jokes.

441
00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:30,909
I'm like, "How'd you get here?
On the Rainbow Road?"

442
00:23:30,992 --> 00:23:34,371
Ba-ba-ba, ba-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da

443
00:23:34,454 --> 00:23:35,789
Da-da-da-da-da-da

444
00:23:35,872 --> 00:23:38,250
He was like… Duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh

445
00:23:38,333 --> 00:23:40,377
Duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh

446
00:23:40,460 --> 00:23:45,298
And I'm like, "Oh, out of nowhere,
a turtle shell strikes you from behind."

447
00:23:46,007 --> 00:23:48,760
He's like, "I can't feel it."
It was crazy.

448
00:23:49,344 --> 00:23:51,888
It was a crazy moment,
but everybody was laughing.

449
00:23:51,972 --> 00:23:55,809
We were having fun. Out of nowhere,
white lady ruins the goddamn moment.

450
00:23:55,892 --> 00:23:58,562
Stands up in the back,
she's like, "Absolutely not!"

451
00:24:00,605 --> 00:24:03,567
"Who makes fun of a paraplegic?"

452
00:24:03,650 --> 00:24:06,528
"What the fuck, Nate Jackson?"

453
00:24:06,611 --> 00:24:08,822
Sucked the air out of the room.

454
00:24:09,531 --> 00:24:12,534
Everybody just felt like an asshole
piece of shit at the same time.

455
00:24:12,617 --> 00:24:14,077
Everybody.

456
00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:15,829
It snatched us back to reality.

457
00:24:15,912 --> 00:24:18,832
Everyone that was having fun was like,
"Am I laughing at a paraplegic?"

458
00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:24,421
Especially me. I called him Mario Kart.
I'm like, "I'm for sure going to hell."

459
00:24:24,921 --> 00:24:26,381
It don't matter what I do in life.

460
00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:29,217
I can give back to the community,
St. Jude's…

461
00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:33,889
I'm a member of Omega Psi Phi.

462
00:24:33,972 --> 00:24:36,600
We give back in blood drives,
and all the philanthropies,

463
00:24:36,683 --> 00:24:41,354
and none of that would matter
at the entrance to heaven's gates

464
00:24:42,230 --> 00:24:44,608
when I'm like, "What's up with this line?
Let your boy in."

465
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:48,904
They're like, "Before we let you in,
we wanna show you a PowerPoint quick."

466
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:53,241
I'm like, "A PowerPoint?
Of what? All my good deeds?"

467
00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:56,745
"Mario Kart."

468
00:24:58,955 --> 00:25:00,457
How y'all get that footage?

469
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:03,460
"When I died, I brought it.
I don't give a fuck."

470
00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:05,253
"When I died, I bought it."

471
00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:07,255
"I brought it. Absolutely not."

472
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,716
"I need a manager.
Who's running this place?"

473
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,637
It was so quiet in there, man.

474
00:25:15,555 --> 00:25:17,224
Like, you could hear a mouse

475
00:25:18,016 --> 00:25:18,892
bust.

476
00:25:22,145 --> 00:25:23,563
It was like…

477
00:25:44,209 --> 00:25:46,294
It's terrible.

478
00:25:47,295 --> 00:25:49,798
Only one person on God's green earth
can save a moment like that.

479
00:25:49,881 --> 00:25:54,094
The person that could, did.
Wasn't me. It was way over my head.

480
00:25:54,177 --> 00:25:56,513
My man in the wheelchair,
he piped up, out of nowhere.

481
00:25:56,596 --> 00:25:58,139
"Shut up, bitch!"

482
00:26:05,605 --> 00:26:07,023
"I paid for this!"

483
00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:10,735
Just like that,
everybody came back to life.

484
00:26:10,819 --> 00:26:12,862
They were like,
"I paid for this! Fuck this bitch!"

485
00:26:12,946 --> 00:26:15,073
The whole crowd,
you should've seen, it was like a wave.

486
00:26:15,156 --> 00:26:17,909
It just rushed over the whole crowd.
People's joy was back, laughing.

487
00:26:17,993 --> 00:26:21,329
I could see tongues sticking out,
like, "Ha-ha-ha!" People were having fun.

488
00:26:21,413 --> 00:26:23,915
The wave went all the way across,
back to dude in the wheelchair.

489
00:26:23,999 --> 00:26:25,792
He was like, "Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha!"

490
00:26:25,875 --> 00:26:27,043
"Ah! Ah!"

491
00:26:27,127 --> 00:26:28,795
"Oh! Oh! Oh!"

492
00:26:28,878 --> 00:26:30,505
"I'm really walking!"

493
00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:32,841
"I'm fucking walking! I'm wa…"

494
00:26:39,431 --> 00:26:40,557
That didn't happen.

495
00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:46,021
But it could have. It could've happened.

496
00:26:46,104 --> 00:26:48,857
Laughter heals.
Don't block nobody else's blessings.

497
00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:49,983
Yeah!

498
00:26:51,026 --> 00:26:53,278
That's the rules, okay?

499
00:26:53,361 --> 00:26:55,530
Now turn on the lights down here.
Let me see some people.

500
00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:58,491
And give me my screen
so I can cook this whole damn crowd.

501
00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:02,704
Uh-huh. Yeah.

502
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:10,337
Let's go right here. You got a…
There's a man with a… with a ponytail.

503
00:27:12,130 --> 00:27:13,381
A man bun?

504
00:27:13,465 --> 00:27:14,924
Okay. I'll take that.

505
00:27:15,008 --> 00:27:16,885
Are you Hawaiian, Samoan?

506
00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:18,803
-Samoan.
-Sa…

507
00:27:24,059 --> 00:27:26,144
I fuck with the Samoans tough. Hell yeah.

508
00:27:26,227 --> 00:27:27,437
So what club do you work at?

509
00:27:29,898 --> 00:27:32,567
That's security right there.

510
00:27:33,443 --> 00:27:35,737
You're like, "Let me see your ID.
Let me see, fool."

511
00:27:38,406 --> 00:27:39,616
"Chee-hoo."

512
00:27:39,699 --> 00:27:40,742
"Chee-hoo."

513
00:27:41,534 --> 00:27:43,328
"Chee-hoo."

514
00:27:45,038 --> 00:27:47,374
So this your girl you got in the headlock?

515
00:27:47,457 --> 00:27:48,708
Outstanding.

516
00:27:48,792 --> 00:27:50,418
That's my world right there.

517
00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:51,795
That's "your world"?

518
00:27:51,878 --> 00:27:54,756
Back up. That's too much.
You're giving her too much.

519
00:27:54,839 --> 00:27:56,966
You giving her…
That's how you get your heart broke.

520
00:27:57,050 --> 00:27:59,969
Just give her a couple of continents.
Don't gotta give her the whole world.

521
00:28:00,053 --> 00:28:02,764
Goddamn. The whole Earth?

522
00:28:03,848 --> 00:28:04,891
Okay.

523
00:28:04,974 --> 00:28:09,020
Everything about her
is what you encompass your love in?

524
00:28:09,104 --> 00:28:11,689
-Oh yeah, definitely.
-Yeah, you crazy as a motherfucker.

525
00:28:11,773 --> 00:28:13,400
I am.

526
00:28:13,483 --> 00:28:16,986
He's like, "I am. Literally, over her,
I'll kill everybody in this motherfucker."

527
00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:24,703
So how'd you meet your girl?
At a soccer match?

528
00:28:24,786 --> 00:28:27,205
Actually, at a house party.

529
00:28:27,288 --> 00:28:28,331
Oh, a house party?

530
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,709
So the backyard, pig in the ground?

531
00:28:34,754 --> 00:28:36,214
Are you Samoan as well?

532
00:28:36,297 --> 00:28:37,382
Hawaiian.

533
00:28:37,465 --> 00:28:39,467
Um, you got a little bass in your voice.

534
00:28:42,262 --> 00:28:44,764
She was like…
"I'm Hawaiian. What's happening?"

535
00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:47,517
"What's up?
You like dicks and balls? What's up?"

536
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,436
That's my world.

537
00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:51,271
He said, "That's my world."

538
00:28:52,689 --> 00:28:54,232
"And I'll stick beside him."

539
00:28:56,484 --> 00:28:58,570
Goddamn. You sound like the Allstate man.

540
00:29:00,739 --> 00:29:03,658
"Are you in good hands?"

541
00:29:05,869 --> 00:29:07,745
All right, let's move on to this side.

542
00:29:07,829 --> 00:29:10,206
-Yeah!
-I wanna talk to him real bad.

543
00:29:11,750 --> 00:29:13,793
He was like, "Yes, bitch." What the fuck?

544
00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:18,256
He's so gay, I noticed it in 0.2 seconds.

545
00:29:20,049 --> 00:29:21,468
What's your name, sugar?

546
00:29:21,551 --> 00:29:23,678
-John.
-Nice to meet you, John.

547
00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:25,889
So, uh, what do you do for money?

548
00:29:25,972 --> 00:29:27,640
I work at Western State Hospital.

549
00:29:28,224 --> 00:29:31,060
That's where the, uh…
where the clinically, the insane…

550
00:29:31,144 --> 00:29:32,812
Do you recognize anybody in here?

551
00:29:35,106 --> 00:29:37,567
Huh? You recognize
anybody that's nuts up in here?

552
00:29:37,650 --> 00:29:40,528
Is that your… You take that hair off
at night or that stays on your head?

553
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:41,696
It's all mine.

554
00:29:41,780 --> 00:29:42,739
That's you?

555
00:29:42,822 --> 00:29:45,533
Okay, 'cause it looks like
you can just be like, "Oh, goddamn."

556
00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:48,786
"Whew! That was a long day. Goddamn."

557
00:29:48,870 --> 00:29:51,289
"Oh, we going back out?
My bad, my bad, my bad."

558
00:29:51,372 --> 00:29:53,124
"My bad."

559
00:30:03,676 --> 00:30:05,386
What'd you just say to me?

560
00:30:06,804 --> 00:30:10,600
Bitch, you know who you fucking with?
I will throw this motherfucker over there.

561
00:30:11,684 --> 00:30:13,978
I'm gonna throw
this motherfucking bun, bitch.

562
00:30:16,356 --> 00:30:17,524
Outstanding.

563
00:30:17,607 --> 00:30:21,528
All right, so I wanna talk
to the Indiana Jones here.

564
00:30:21,611 --> 00:30:23,196
Whoo!

565
00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:28,284
Put him on the screen
and brighten it up, man.

566
00:30:28,368 --> 00:30:30,912
It's too dark. Shit.

567
00:30:32,163 --> 00:30:34,916
Y'all set the camera for white people.
Brighten it up!

568
00:30:36,584 --> 00:30:38,086
Goddamn. More.

569
00:30:38,795 --> 00:30:39,921
More!

570
00:30:40,922 --> 00:30:42,924
More! More! More!

571
00:30:51,933 --> 00:30:54,435
People are like, "I didn't even know
he was sitting right there!"

572
00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:58,147
How long you been
barbecuing with no tools?

573
00:30:59,482 --> 00:31:02,110
You look like you don't got no spatula.

574
00:31:02,193 --> 00:31:04,779
You just grabbing the meat.
"Y'all want one of these patties?"

575
00:31:04,862 --> 00:31:06,906
"One of them! One of these patties. Good."

576
00:31:06,990 --> 00:31:09,158
"Mwah, mwah, mwah.
One of these patties. Whoa!"

577
00:31:09,242 --> 00:31:10,994
"And all these hot dogs gotta be rolled."

578
00:31:11,077 --> 00:31:12,203
"Frrrrrrrr!"

579
00:31:12,287 --> 00:31:15,081
It's like… "Goddamn, Earl."

580
00:31:15,748 --> 00:31:17,625
I love it.

581
00:31:17,709 --> 00:31:19,878
What's your name, man?
You got a great spirit.

582
00:31:19,961 --> 00:31:20,837
Armando.

583
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:21,963
Armando?

584
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:25,216
Oh, I didn't expect that at all.

585
00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:30,346
He look like a Earl, a Ernest…

586
00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:32,265
"Armando!"

587
00:31:32,348 --> 00:31:35,310
What?

588
00:31:35,393 --> 00:31:37,896
Don't laugh that hard.
You're scaring the shit out of me, man.

589
00:31:38,980 --> 00:31:40,773
He look like he gonna laugh
until a heart pop.

590
00:31:45,236 --> 00:31:46,613
So, Armando,

591
00:31:47,614 --> 00:31:49,115
what do you do for a living?

592
00:31:49,198 --> 00:31:50,450
I make custom iron.

593
00:31:50,533 --> 00:31:51,951
-Custom iron?
-Yes, sir.

594
00:31:52,035 --> 00:31:54,746
Like to get the wrinkles
out your clothes, or like,

595
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,540
iron like metal?

596
00:31:57,624 --> 00:31:59,626
You know, so those things that bend it.

597
00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:01,586
-What?
-Oh yeah. Welds…

598
00:32:01,669 --> 00:32:03,087
We still need that?

599
00:32:03,171 --> 00:32:04,923
Oh yeah.

600
00:32:05,006 --> 00:32:07,300
That's not…
There's not a machine doing that yet?

601
00:32:07,383 --> 00:32:08,426
We are the machine.

602
00:32:08,509 --> 00:32:10,386
It's just you in there bending shit?

603
00:32:14,265 --> 00:32:15,350
Goddamn, Armando.

604
00:32:16,768 --> 00:32:19,646
What have you built
that I would be proud of if I saw it?

605
00:32:25,443 --> 00:32:27,904
He didn't build no idea. Goddamn!

606
00:32:27,987 --> 00:32:29,781
He was like…

607
00:32:32,450 --> 00:32:34,160
"Oh, Lord!"

608
00:32:38,956 --> 00:32:40,375
This your queen right here?

609
00:32:40,958 --> 00:32:43,211
I see you got your hand interlocked.

610
00:32:43,294 --> 00:32:45,254
How long y'all been loving like this?

611
00:32:45,838 --> 00:32:48,091
-About two and a half years.
-Two and a half years?

612
00:32:48,174 --> 00:32:50,885
That's a lot less time
than I thought you was gonna say.

613
00:32:54,013 --> 00:32:55,098
I mean, goddamn!

614
00:32:55,181 --> 00:32:57,725
How'd you meet this young lady, man?

615
00:32:57,809 --> 00:33:01,312
How does an older gentleman like yourself,
suave, pull a younger woman like this?

616
00:33:01,396 --> 00:33:02,689
What'd you do, Armando?

617
00:33:02,772 --> 00:33:05,483
-I just said, "Hey, come here." She came.
-Oh!

618
00:33:05,566 --> 00:33:07,652
He said, "I just said, 'Hey, come here!'"

619
00:33:09,529 --> 00:33:12,407
"I was holding the cage I built."

620
00:33:14,575 --> 00:33:17,995
"She was motivated to come over to me
when I had said, 'Come here!'"

621
00:33:21,249 --> 00:33:22,500
So two and a half years?

622
00:33:22,583 --> 00:33:26,170
And so what was your first date?
Like, how did this origin story start?

623
00:33:26,254 --> 00:33:27,422
We met online.

624
00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:28,715
You met online?

625
00:33:28,798 --> 00:33:29,799
What app?

626
00:33:31,634 --> 00:33:33,136
SweetBabyRays.com?

627
00:33:39,851 --> 00:33:41,352
He like, "That's my cousin!"

628
00:33:44,731 --> 00:33:46,232
Your cousin.

629
00:33:49,485 --> 00:33:50,903
All right, who else we gon' talk to?

630
00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:54,532
Let's talk to you, sir. You look like
you program computers from scratch.

631
00:33:56,784 --> 00:33:58,911
-What do you do for a living?
-I'm a butcher.

632
00:33:58,995 --> 00:34:00,163
You're a butcher?

633
00:34:04,667 --> 00:34:06,961
Did that strike fear
in anybody else's heart?

634
00:34:08,045 --> 00:34:10,256
So all day long,
you're just cutting up meat?

635
00:34:11,215 --> 00:34:12,925
All right, I'm gonna move on, man.

636
00:34:13,009 --> 00:34:15,261
You know what I'm saying?

637
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:18,848
That's not who
I'm trying to see in the alley.

638
00:34:18,931 --> 00:34:21,267
"You talking shit, fool."

639
00:34:22,185 --> 00:34:26,272
"Thum, thum, thum, thum."

640
00:34:26,355 --> 00:34:28,316
"Are you sharpening a knife?" "Yeah."

641
00:34:28,399 --> 00:34:30,777
"My favorite one."

642
00:34:33,196 --> 00:34:34,447
So do you eat meat?

643
00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:36,074
Yeah.

644
00:34:36,157 --> 00:34:38,701
He was like, "Yeah. Hell yeah!"

645
00:34:41,037 --> 00:34:42,705
Are these your people right here?

646
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:44,665
Yeah? How far does it go?

647
00:34:45,374 --> 00:34:46,459
The whole row?

648
00:34:47,293 --> 00:34:49,087
What are y'all? Is that Mexicans?

649
00:34:50,713 --> 00:34:52,965
Oh, okay. I saw y'all van out there.

650
00:34:55,092 --> 00:34:57,678
All of them was in one van.

651
00:34:58,846 --> 00:35:00,640
Fa, fa, fa, fa, da, da, da!

652
00:35:02,767 --> 00:35:05,394
What's up with the big one in the middle?
How you doing?

653
00:35:05,895 --> 00:35:08,189
I see you pulled your little curl down.

654
00:35:14,612 --> 00:35:16,197
Let it happen. Let it live.

655
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,284
Pull the curl down, baby.
This is Netflix, man. Get your shine on.

656
00:35:22,787 --> 00:35:23,830
Hell yeah.

657
00:35:24,664 --> 00:35:27,458
You look like Bruno Mars
if he had a bad thyroid gland.

658
00:35:30,545 --> 00:35:33,339
Fellas, put your steaks in the air!

659
00:35:36,092 --> 00:35:37,051
What's your name, man?

660
00:35:37,134 --> 00:35:37,969
José.

661
00:35:38,052 --> 00:35:39,637
José? No way.

662
00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:43,266
There's two!

663
00:35:44,976 --> 00:35:47,770
You telling me
there's another José on the same line?

664
00:35:48,646 --> 00:35:50,523
Raise your hand if your name's José.

665
00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:52,942
So you're José and he's José?

666
00:35:53,025 --> 00:35:54,068
Holy shit.

667
00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:55,653
You're… you're Mexican too?

668
00:35:56,195 --> 00:35:58,489
Okay. You're a different kind
of Mexican than them.

669
00:35:58,573 --> 00:36:00,449
No, we're the same.

670
00:36:00,533 --> 00:36:02,952
You… you, uh, Michoacán? Michoacán?

671
00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:06,831
Yeah, I know the Mexicans.
I'm not up here 'cause I'm stupid.

672
00:36:08,457 --> 00:36:10,585
He has Michoacán facial features.

673
00:36:10,668 --> 00:36:12,753
I know what I'm talking about.
He got dimples.

674
00:36:12,837 --> 00:36:15,464
You're something else.
You look like the Cleveland Indian logo.

675
00:36:15,548 --> 00:36:17,091
You, you look like his lawyer.

676
00:36:20,261 --> 00:36:21,220
Yeah.

677
00:36:22,305 --> 00:36:25,933
Hold on. Ma'am, could you move
your big-ass head so we can see him?

678
00:36:27,685 --> 00:36:28,686
Goddamn. She like…

679
00:36:33,566 --> 00:36:35,443
"I'm on TV as well!"

680
00:36:37,653 --> 00:36:41,073
So what do you do
for a living, uh, little José?

681
00:36:45,369 --> 00:36:47,663
-I work from home.
-You work from home?

682
00:36:47,747 --> 00:36:49,457
Okay, not to be racist…

683
00:36:50,958 --> 00:36:52,960
…but I've never heard a Mexican say that.

684
00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:56,672
Ever.

685
00:36:57,340 --> 00:36:59,842
From home? Crazy.

686
00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:02,386
On homes? Yes.

687
00:37:07,391 --> 00:37:10,519
You never heard a Mexican say
he works from home. No disrespect.

688
00:37:11,103 --> 00:37:13,940
La raza, my friend, but… That's crazy.

689
00:37:14,607 --> 00:37:15,858
What do you do from home?

690
00:37:15,942 --> 00:37:17,443
I'm a manager.

691
00:37:18,027 --> 00:37:19,987
You're a manager from home?

692
00:37:23,658 --> 00:37:24,575
José.

693
00:37:25,076 --> 00:37:26,035
Medium José.

694
00:37:27,662 --> 00:37:30,164
Is he making this shit up or is this real?

695
00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:33,292
You're a manager from home?
What do you manage?

696
00:37:33,376 --> 00:37:34,418
Payment service.

697
00:37:34,502 --> 00:37:35,878
Payment service?

698
00:37:35,962 --> 00:37:38,005
They got bill collectors for weed?

699
00:37:42,301 --> 00:37:45,846
You're like,
"Uh, you had an ounce, fool. Uh…"

700
00:37:48,307 --> 00:37:50,726
"When are you bringing it back?"
"Bring it back?"

701
00:37:51,227 --> 00:37:53,938
"I smoked that shit, baby.
It's in the air."

702
00:37:54,647 --> 00:37:56,440
He's like, "No way, José."

703
00:37:59,527 --> 00:38:00,528
Wow.

704
00:38:01,737 --> 00:38:04,490
And what about you, Medium José?
Is this your girl right here?

705
00:38:04,573 --> 00:38:05,741
Oh my God.

706
00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:10,204
Ma'am, are you safe? I just feel like…

707
00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:15,167
That's a lot of meat, huh?

708
00:38:17,169 --> 00:38:18,045
Hell yeah.

709
00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:20,923
Y'all look good together.
How did y'all meet, fall in love?

710
00:38:21,007 --> 00:38:23,217
It was my sister's friend.

711
00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:24,427
Your sister's friend?

712
00:38:25,011 --> 00:38:25,845
Uh-oh.

713
00:38:26,971 --> 00:38:29,181
So you just went over there?
You just walked up, like…

714
00:38:37,106 --> 00:38:38,316
Yo quiero Modelo.

715
00:38:40,568 --> 00:38:43,487
She's like…
"I like 'em big. How you doing?"

716
00:38:43,571 --> 00:38:46,157
"Oh my God, papi. Wow. Look at your curl."

717
00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:49,285
"Oh my God."

718
00:38:50,578 --> 00:38:53,706
Y'all look like y'all in love, though.
Y'all got good spirits, I can tell.

719
00:38:53,789 --> 00:38:58,210
How much you like her,
scale from one to 6,804?

720
00:38:58,294 --> 00:38:59,670
Infinite.

721
00:38:59,754 --> 00:39:01,422
-Huh?
-She's my world.

722
00:39:12,391 --> 00:39:13,267
Touché.

723
00:39:15,603 --> 00:39:17,605
And then I just wanted to talk to you guys

724
00:39:17,688 --> 00:39:20,941
because, um, you look just like,
you know, like…

725
00:39:21,025 --> 00:39:22,902
Aw!

726
00:39:23,611 --> 00:39:26,947
You look like you know
where everybody lives in the neighborhood.

727
00:39:32,453 --> 00:39:34,538
"The Jenkins got a new lawnmower!"

728
00:39:38,542 --> 00:39:40,252
That's the face you have, ma'am.

729
00:39:41,879 --> 00:39:43,297
What do you do for a living?

730
00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:44,757
I'm a high school teacher.

731
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:46,258
-High school teacher?
-Yeah.

732
00:39:46,342 --> 00:39:48,511
-Which grade?
-Uh, seniors.

733
00:39:48,594 --> 00:39:50,679
And then what do you?
Are you a PE teacher?

734
00:39:53,015 --> 00:39:55,476
You look like it.
"Just run another lap, Jackson!"

735
00:39:55,559 --> 00:39:57,978
You know what I'm saying?

736
00:39:58,062 --> 00:39:59,980
-You're a what?
-Industrial mechanic.

737
00:40:00,064 --> 00:40:01,107
-What?
-Yeah.

738
00:40:01,190 --> 00:40:02,566
Give me $300.

739
00:40:05,027 --> 00:40:06,821
What do you work on? What industry?

740
00:40:06,904 --> 00:40:08,572
Apple-packing equipment.

741
00:40:08,656 --> 00:40:09,698
Apple packing?

742
00:40:10,574 --> 00:40:12,618
So you work with the row behind you?

743
00:40:27,383 --> 00:40:30,761
All the Mexicans clap, like,
"Yeah, that was funny. That was funny."

744
00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:33,472
Everybody but you. You're like,
"What the fuck, fool? What the fuck?"

745
00:40:34,223 --> 00:40:35,975
"I actually pick apples. What the fuck?"

746
00:40:37,268 --> 00:40:38,769
Um, how did y'all meet?

747
00:40:38,853 --> 00:40:42,648
Like, how did just two healthy,
older white people get together?

748
00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:45,776
I knocked on his door.

749
00:40:45,860 --> 00:40:47,570
-You knocked on his door?
-Yeah.

750
00:40:51,699 --> 00:40:53,367
I was with my boyfriend.

751
00:40:53,951 --> 00:40:56,245
Oh, this is getting good. Hold on.

752
00:40:56,328 --> 00:40:59,832
I'm gonna explain. Don't worry. I got you.

753
00:41:01,041 --> 00:41:03,210
She said, "I knocked on his door. He-he."

754
00:41:04,545 --> 00:41:06,672
Then she went, "I was with my boyfriend."

755
00:41:06,755 --> 00:41:09,467
Whoa!

756
00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:11,260
And that's when I scoot up.

757
00:41:13,262 --> 00:41:15,931
So you were with your boyfriend
and knocked on his door?

758
00:41:16,015 --> 00:41:17,141
Yeah.

759
00:41:17,224 --> 00:41:20,603
-Explain.
-So we were… It was a barbecue.

760
00:41:20,686 --> 00:41:22,771
How do you go from a barbecue
to knocking on his door?

761
00:41:22,855 --> 00:41:23,981
This is very interesting.

762
00:41:24,064 --> 00:41:26,275
-My boyfriend…
-Yeah?

763
00:41:26,358 --> 00:41:28,235
Friends with benefits, I should say.

764
00:41:28,319 --> 00:41:31,405
Oh!

765
00:41:32,031 --> 00:41:34,325
Fuck!

766
00:41:34,408 --> 00:41:38,120
She's like, "My boyfriend,
or friends with benefits, I should say."

767
00:41:38,204 --> 00:41:39,747
Freaky-ass lady!

768
00:41:39,830 --> 00:41:43,125
She look hella innocent!

769
00:41:43,209 --> 00:41:45,294
She's like, "Anybody want some vagina?"

770
00:41:49,632 --> 00:41:51,175
"Gather round, seniors!"

771
00:41:54,345 --> 00:41:56,722
They're of age. They are of age.

772
00:41:59,642 --> 00:42:00,726
"I saw you."

773
00:42:01,977 --> 00:42:03,520
Okay, so you and your…

774
00:42:03,604 --> 00:42:06,774
you and your fuck buddy
went over to his house

775
00:42:06,857 --> 00:42:08,400
and knocked on the door, for what?

776
00:42:08,484 --> 00:42:09,652
The barbecue. His barbecue.

777
00:42:09,735 --> 00:42:11,362
-It was your barbecue.
-My barbecue.

778
00:42:11,445 --> 00:42:14,865
Okay. And then he just… you just took her?

779
00:42:16,283 --> 00:42:17,451
Pretty much.

780
00:42:17,535 --> 00:42:20,162
At the door, you were like,
"Only her, fool. You stay back."

781
00:42:21,997 --> 00:42:25,251
Or did you, like, holler at her
all through, like, the barbecue?

782
00:42:25,334 --> 00:42:26,293
Were you like, "Look,

783
00:42:26,377 --> 00:42:28,754
all the potato salad's gone,
but I saved you a scoop"?

784
00:42:30,172 --> 00:42:33,300
So… so you stopped
talking to your fuck buddy

785
00:42:34,301 --> 00:42:36,303
and went back over to this house again?

786
00:42:37,304 --> 00:42:39,640
You're like, "You say you have more meat.
Where is it at?"

787
00:42:43,686 --> 00:42:45,354
So how long y'all been together?

788
00:42:45,437 --> 00:42:47,356
Twenty-nine years.

789
00:42:47,439 --> 00:42:48,691
Twenty-nine years!

790
00:42:51,068 --> 00:42:52,236
That's beautiful.

791
00:42:53,237 --> 00:42:55,489
That's a perfect example.

792
00:42:55,573 --> 00:42:57,199
They found real love.

793
00:42:57,783 --> 00:43:00,327
Started from some bullshit.

794
00:43:02,746 --> 00:43:04,957
All the single women,
you need to take notes.

795
00:43:05,499 --> 00:43:08,168
You're out here,
living life like a cactus.

796
00:43:09,545 --> 00:43:11,672
You're dry, nobody can get on.

797
00:43:13,173 --> 00:43:14,925
Sometimes you just gotta go
knock on the door

798
00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:17,636
and get dicked down by the man
with the barbecue spatula in his hand.

799
00:43:18,929 --> 00:43:20,931
Now where the single ladies at? Say, "Ow!"

800
00:43:21,015 --> 00:43:22,641
Ow!

801
00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:25,227
That explains why you guys
were looking around.

802
00:43:25,311 --> 00:43:26,937
Single fellas say, "Yeah!"

803
00:43:27,021 --> 00:43:28,772
Yeah!

804
00:43:30,316 --> 00:43:31,442
Who was that?

805
00:43:32,318 --> 00:43:35,654
Oh, that was you? You look handsome.
How come you don't got nobody?

806
00:43:36,363 --> 00:43:37,615
What's wrong with you?

807
00:43:39,825 --> 00:43:41,076
What's your name? Chad?

808
00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:41,994
Jake.

809
00:43:42,077 --> 00:43:44,788
And what do you do for, uh, State Farm?

810
00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:48,125
I fish in Alaska.

811
00:43:48,208 --> 00:43:50,044
You fish in Alaska?

812
00:43:51,003 --> 00:43:52,296
Do you want me to hook you up?

813
00:43:52,379 --> 00:43:54,590
-Go ahead.
-What you mean, "go ahead"?

814
00:43:56,383 --> 00:43:58,677
I need you to be like, "Yes, please, sir."

815
00:43:59,345 --> 00:44:02,681
And you're like, "I don't give a fuck.
I'll fuck somebody." Like, what the fuck?

816
00:44:02,765 --> 00:44:04,808
You come in here,
looking like a big-ass mini-me.

817
00:44:04,892 --> 00:44:06,101
I'm trying to help you.

818
00:44:08,103 --> 00:44:10,397
Lookin' like Stone Warm Steve Austin.

819
00:44:17,071 --> 00:44:18,072
What the fuck?

820
00:44:19,448 --> 00:44:22,618
Fuck it. I'm not… You know what?
You're just gonna be on your own tonight.

821
00:44:23,827 --> 00:44:26,163
You wanna meet somebody? Go to a barbecue.

822
00:44:28,874 --> 00:44:31,335
All right, Jake ain't got no bitches.
Let's move on.

823
00:44:31,418 --> 00:44:33,420
No bitches.

824
00:44:33,504 --> 00:44:35,756
I believe in love.
That's what I'm trying to get at here.

825
00:44:35,839 --> 00:44:36,674
I believe in love.

826
00:44:36,757 --> 00:44:38,884
I think that message
needs to be out in the world.

827
00:44:38,967 --> 00:44:43,555
There's a lot of stuff being torn up,
but love is strong. I believe in love.

828
00:44:43,639 --> 00:44:45,557
I really do.

829
00:44:45,641 --> 00:44:49,728
Matter of fact, if you with your person,
look 'em in the face and say "I love you."

830
00:44:53,273 --> 00:44:55,526
Oh, that's beautiful. I like that one.

831
00:44:55,609 --> 00:44:59,905
Listen, if you got somebody, stay,
even if it's on the rocks a little bit.

832
00:45:01,990 --> 00:45:05,077
Relationships don't be perfect.
That's not real. It's ups and downs.

833
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:07,746
You ask anybody been together long
and they go through shit.

834
00:45:07,830 --> 00:45:10,416
You think she wants him picking apples
all day with Mexicans?

835
00:45:13,919 --> 00:45:15,712
It's ebbs and it's flows.

836
00:45:16,505 --> 00:45:18,549
I'm just saying,
if it ain't good, just stay.

837
00:45:18,632 --> 00:45:19,967
Fellas, stay with your girl, man.

838
00:45:20,050 --> 00:45:23,637
Even if, every night you go to bed,
she hits you in the side of your head.

839
00:45:24,847 --> 00:45:26,723
Every night, like,
"I'm gonna call it a night."

840
00:45:26,807 --> 00:45:28,058
She be like, "Come here."

841
00:45:29,309 --> 00:45:30,394
It's like…

842
00:45:31,603 --> 00:45:34,022
"Why you always hittin' me?"

843
00:45:34,106 --> 00:45:37,401
Stay. It's better than what's out here
in these streets. I promise you.

844
00:45:37,484 --> 00:45:39,987
Ain't shit out here
but tumbleweeds and whores.

845
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:44,783
Tumbleweeds and whores!

846
00:45:44,867 --> 00:45:47,286
And when's the last time
you saw a tumbleweed?

847
00:45:49,163 --> 00:45:51,623
It's all whores.

848
00:45:56,170 --> 00:45:59,882
Dating is trash. Everybody lying.
I've been catfished two times.

849
00:46:01,175 --> 00:46:03,510
Worst catfish I ever heard of
in my life wasn't even me,

850
00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:05,262
and I wanna share this with y'all

851
00:46:05,345 --> 00:46:07,097
because this shit is crazy.

852
00:46:07,181 --> 00:46:09,266
It's my homegirl. She got catfished.

853
00:46:09,349 --> 00:46:13,061
She fell in love on Plenty of Fish,
which is crazy by itself.

854
00:46:15,272 --> 00:46:16,607
But she fell in love.

855
00:46:16,690 --> 00:46:20,736
And I'm talking, like,
talk on the phone for four days straight,

856
00:46:20,819 --> 00:46:21,695
one call.

857
00:46:22,988 --> 00:46:24,948
Phone plugged in. It's still dying.

858
00:46:26,783 --> 00:46:29,870
I bumped into her on the fifth day.
I'm like, "Where the hell you been?"

859
00:46:29,953 --> 00:46:32,956
She's like, "I met the man of my dreams
on Plenty of Fish. I love him so much."

860
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:36,543
"And we're gonna go on a date.
He planned it. We're gonna go on a hike."

861
00:46:36,627 --> 00:46:38,086
I was like, "Um…"

862
00:46:40,506 --> 00:46:44,134
"…so you about to go somewhere
where can't nobody hear you scream

863
00:46:45,427 --> 00:46:47,638
with somebody you met on the Internet?"

864
00:46:49,306 --> 00:46:50,849
"That's the first part of the date."

865
00:46:50,933 --> 00:46:52,684
"The second part,
if we're vibing on the hike,

866
00:46:52,768 --> 00:46:55,229
we're going back to his place,
and we're gonna kick it."

867
00:46:55,312 --> 00:46:56,605
I was like, "Wow!"

868
00:46:57,981 --> 00:47:01,026
Now, listen, ladies, I don't mind
if you wanna have sex on your first date.

869
00:47:01,109 --> 00:47:03,320
Please do. Right? Just knock on the door.

870
00:47:08,367 --> 00:47:10,828
Interrupt the barbecue.
"Who wants some pussy?"

871
00:47:13,622 --> 00:47:14,790
Do it.

872
00:47:14,873 --> 00:47:17,000
My issue is going on a hike
and then fucking.

873
00:47:17,084 --> 00:47:19,503
I'm like, "Who wants that pussy?
That's crazy."

874
00:47:19,586 --> 00:47:21,296
You know what I'm saying?

875
00:47:21,380 --> 00:47:24,550
Who prefers a pussy
with 4,000 steps on it? That's…

876
00:47:26,176 --> 00:47:29,638
Your knees swollen. She's inflamed.
There's a pine needle in there.

877
00:47:29,721 --> 00:47:31,723
I don't want just-hiked pussy, please.

878
00:47:31,807 --> 00:47:35,602
I prefer just-out-the-tub,
uh, wet footsteps.

879
00:47:37,604 --> 00:47:39,273
You know? That's my preference.

880
00:47:40,607 --> 00:47:43,527
So I asked her after, I seen her after,
I said, "How was the date?"

881
00:47:43,610 --> 00:47:45,737
She said, "It was…
it was fucking terrible."

882
00:47:45,821 --> 00:47:48,532
I'm like, "What happened?"

883
00:47:48,615 --> 00:47:50,701
She's like, "Yeah, I got over there,

884
00:47:50,784 --> 00:47:52,452
and he didn't have no legs."

885
00:47:56,164 --> 00:47:57,708
I said, "What the fuck?"

886
00:47:59,209 --> 00:48:02,129
You know, I'm like,
"He ain't have no legs? None?"

887
00:48:02,212 --> 00:48:04,423
I said it like
you could have a little bit of legs.

888
00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:08,635
She's like, "Yes, none, Nate!
No legs at all!" Now she mad.

889
00:48:08,719 --> 00:48:10,971
"I get over there.
This motherfucker a chicken nugget."

890
00:48:11,054 --> 00:48:12,055
I said, "Whoa!"

891
00:48:12,139 --> 00:48:14,224
"Wait. You can't say that."

892
00:48:14,308 --> 00:48:17,477
"You can't… you cannot call somebody
with no legs a chicken nugget."

893
00:48:17,561 --> 00:48:19,396
She's like, "Fuck that.
I'm a grown woman."

894
00:48:19,479 --> 00:48:22,774
"I want a man that can stand up for me."
I was like, "That's crazy."

895
00:48:24,776 --> 00:48:26,612
"I deserve a man
that can stand up for me."

896
00:48:26,695 --> 00:48:29,156
"Get there, he's a boneless chicken wing.
I can't believe it."

897
00:48:29,239 --> 00:48:31,325
"I was like, 'a boneless wing?'"

898
00:48:31,408 --> 00:48:34,119
"How we gonna go on a hike anyway, huh?
In a shopping cart?"

899
00:48:34,202 --> 00:48:36,455
"I'm gonna just push him
around a whole mountain trail."

900
00:48:36,538 --> 00:48:38,582
"I get a mountain bike,
put him in the basket,

901
00:48:38,665 --> 00:48:39,875
I'm peddling my ass off,

902
00:48:39,958 --> 00:48:42,669
he pointing at the moon,
talking about he wanna phone home."

903
00:48:42,753 --> 00:48:44,963
"I don't understand, Nate.
I'm a good woman."

904
00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:47,341
I was like, "I am so sorry.
I am so sorry."

905
00:48:47,424 --> 00:48:51,678
But I gotta be honest, once she said
he didn't have no legs, all I heard was,

906
00:48:51,762 --> 00:48:53,931
"Wah-wah-wah, w-w-wah-wah-wah."

907
00:48:54,973 --> 00:48:56,892
Straight Charlie Brown teacher mode.

908
00:48:57,726 --> 00:49:01,355
'Cause every man in the history of men,

909
00:49:01,438 --> 00:49:04,900
once you hear somebody ain't got no legs,
you got one burning question.

910
00:49:04,983 --> 00:49:07,486
And, fellas, be honest,
if you were just with your homeboys,

911
00:49:07,569 --> 00:49:08,862
no girls around,

912
00:49:08,946 --> 00:49:10,572
y'all gonna be like, "Okay."

913
00:49:13,533 --> 00:49:14,493
"But, um…"

914
00:49:20,457 --> 00:49:21,416
"…did you fuck?"

915
00:49:21,500 --> 00:49:24,878
That's all we wanna know!

916
00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:25,837
Shit.

917
00:49:26,755 --> 00:49:29,049
Fuck legs.
I wanna know, "Did you hit that?"

918
00:49:30,467 --> 00:49:33,971
She was like, "Absolutely not, and nothing
to do with the legs. He was a liar."

919
00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:38,433
"Had he been honest to me about the legs,
maybe, but it was the lies for me."

920
00:49:38,517 --> 00:49:40,894
I was like, "You are a liar!"

921
00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:44,398
"It was the legs! You want a man
that can do a jumping jack. Be honest."

922
00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:49,653
And it's his fault. It's his fault.
I've thought about this at great lengths.

923
00:49:49,736 --> 00:49:52,864
I don't smoke weed, but these are things
I think about late at night.

924
00:49:55,742 --> 00:49:57,536
If something happened
and I didn't have legs,

925
00:49:57,619 --> 00:50:01,540
I do believe I could get some pussy
before women realize I ain't got no legs.

926
00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:05,919
Look at you, like, "How the fuck?"

927
00:50:06,002 --> 00:50:08,422
I've thought about this.

928
00:50:08,505 --> 00:50:10,549
You come to my house,
I'm in a bubble bath.

929
00:50:14,886 --> 00:50:17,848
It's hella bubbles.
You gonna imagine legs are under there.

930
00:50:17,931 --> 00:50:20,434
It's not. There's no legs in there.
It's dick and deceit.

931
00:50:20,517 --> 00:50:24,062
"Get in the water, bitch.
The water is fine. Get in the water."

932
00:50:29,026 --> 00:50:30,235
I think I could do it.

933
00:50:30,777 --> 00:50:33,572
She didn't do it, though.
And I'm like, "Why are you like that?"

934
00:50:33,655 --> 00:50:37,576
"Like, you shorted yourself
a wonderful core memory, you know?"

935
00:50:40,912 --> 00:50:42,330
Life is what you've been through.

936
00:50:42,414 --> 00:50:45,667
Like, she could have turnt up
and been like, "one time at band camp,"

937
00:50:45,751 --> 00:50:46,668
but she didn't.

938
00:50:47,961 --> 00:50:50,255
She thinks she's better than us,
and that's terrible.

939
00:50:50,338 --> 00:50:51,590
Let me tell you about me.

940
00:50:51,673 --> 00:50:54,259
You may not know this,
but, uh, if I get dressed up,

941
00:50:54,342 --> 00:50:56,094
take me in the shower,
get on my deodorant,

942
00:50:56,178 --> 00:50:57,929
socks, draws, wifebeater, get dressed,

943
00:50:58,013 --> 00:50:59,931
fill my truck up with gas
and drive across town,

944
00:51:00,015 --> 00:51:01,433
expecting a legged woman,

945
00:51:02,809 --> 00:51:05,896
and I get there, and then
she's just propped up on the counter…

946
00:51:07,355 --> 00:51:09,483
…with her elbow on the microwave…

947
00:51:11,401 --> 00:51:13,820
…and she's just wigglin'
her lil' nubs like that…

948
00:51:17,115 --> 00:51:18,617
…I'm gonna fuck, and…

949
00:51:18,700 --> 00:51:21,453
I am. I know who I am. I'm gonna fuck.

950
00:51:21,536 --> 00:51:23,455
It's not gonna take me long
to decide, either.

951
00:51:24,623 --> 00:51:25,874
I was expecting legs.

952
00:51:25,957 --> 00:51:29,961
She was sending me photoshopped pictures
of her body on her little friend's legs,

953
00:51:30,045 --> 00:51:31,046
all of that.

954
00:51:31,129 --> 00:51:33,799
I get there, I'm still holding the door.
I'm in the doorway.

955
00:51:33,882 --> 00:51:36,510
See, most men get in, get comfortable,
then start asking questions.

956
00:51:36,593 --> 00:51:39,971
Not me. I don't beat around the bush.
I wanna know what the fuck going on.

957
00:51:40,055 --> 00:51:42,224
I'm in the doorway on the linoleum.

958
00:51:44,226 --> 00:51:45,977
"The fuck happened to your legs?"

959
00:51:48,271 --> 00:51:49,981
She like, "I ain't got no legs."

960
00:51:51,399 --> 00:51:52,943
"You want some pussy or not?"

961
00:52:13,004 --> 00:52:14,047
I'ma do it!

962
00:52:15,006 --> 00:52:16,633
'Cause legs be in the way.

963
00:52:18,510 --> 00:52:20,804
Be honest, legs be in the way.
Fellas, be honest.

964
00:52:20,887 --> 00:52:23,265
You ever been with your girl after brunch,
she drunk, like…

965
00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:25,267
"I want some dick, yeah"?

966
00:52:25,350 --> 00:52:27,310
You're like, "Okay,
let me get to the pussy then."

967
00:52:27,394 --> 00:52:29,938
"Ha-ha-ha! Find it! Yeah! Find it!"

968
00:52:30,021 --> 00:52:31,398
"Ha-ha!"

969
00:52:31,481 --> 00:52:33,817
"If you can get by my legs,
you can have it!"

970
00:52:33,900 --> 00:52:35,694
You're like, "What the fuck is going on?"

971
00:52:35,777 --> 00:52:38,154
I don't gotta deal with that.
She ain't got no legs.

972
00:52:39,406 --> 00:52:42,826
You know how many positions
you can do without legs in the way?

973
00:52:42,909 --> 00:52:45,203
She grown. She just ain't no legs.
She wants some dick.

974
00:52:45,287 --> 00:52:48,123
She right there on the ground,
talking about, "Up, up, up, up, up."

975
00:52:49,583 --> 00:52:50,542
"Up, up."

976
00:52:58,091 --> 00:52:59,676
"Up, up."

977
00:53:01,178 --> 00:53:04,222
But she's 44 or 45.

978
00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:09,227
Nice little age. She's like,
"Give me some of that dick, young man."

979
00:53:09,728 --> 00:53:11,438
"Oh, who you calling 'young man'?"

980
00:53:11,521 --> 00:53:13,690
"You don't know
who you fucking with, girl. Shit."

981
00:53:13,773 --> 00:53:16,318
You about to be a helicopter,
fucking with me.

982
00:53:17,402 --> 00:53:21,323
I'm gonna pick her up,
put her on the dick. "Fa, da, da, da!"

983
00:53:21,406 --> 00:53:23,408
She like, "Ah-ha-ha-ha!"

984
00:53:23,491 --> 00:53:25,869
"Yeah!"

985
00:53:25,952 --> 00:53:28,330
"Spin me again!"
"You going the other way, bitch!"

986
00:53:28,413 --> 00:53:31,124
"Da, da, da!" "Ah-ha-ha! Yeah! Ha-ha!"

987
00:53:31,207 --> 00:53:35,212
Fuck around, get good to me.
I'm like, "Yeah!"

988
00:53:35,837 --> 00:53:37,756
Fuck!

989
00:53:53,271 --> 00:53:56,816
Unequivocally, I was like, "If a woman
don't got no legs, I'm fuckin'."

990
00:53:58,902 --> 00:54:00,362
What about you, bro? Would you do it?

991
00:54:00,445 --> 00:54:01,363
No.

992
00:54:01,446 --> 00:54:02,739
No?

993
00:54:02,822 --> 00:54:05,700
You got a hickey on your neck
right now, freaky-ass boy.

994
00:54:08,787 --> 00:54:11,498
You're not gonna. What about you?
Would you fuck a girl with no legs?

995
00:54:11,581 --> 00:54:13,750
-No.
-No? Okay. What about you? Hmm?

996
00:54:13,833 --> 00:54:15,835
-Lying!
-Yeah, they lying their asses off.

997
00:54:15,919 --> 00:54:18,505
You would?
Real man right there, being honest.

998
00:54:18,588 --> 00:54:21,424
Appreciate that. Hell yeah.
What about you?

999
00:54:21,508 --> 00:54:23,551
Jake, you ain't got no bitches.
Would you smash?

1000
00:54:23,635 --> 00:54:26,054
He's like, "Yeah, I would."

1001
00:54:27,263 --> 00:54:30,183
What about you, huh,
barbecue steel, Indiana Jones?

1002
00:54:30,267 --> 00:54:32,477
Be honest. It could be her.

1003
00:54:32,560 --> 00:54:34,187
What is she didn't have no legs?

1004
00:54:34,270 --> 00:54:35,897
He said, "Give me that ass, girl!"

1005
00:54:37,524 --> 00:54:39,401
He said, "She ain't even gotta have arms."

1006
00:54:40,193 --> 00:54:42,529
"She could be a sexy caterpillar,
fucking with me."

1007
00:54:45,490 --> 00:54:47,283
"He's a liar."

1008
00:54:47,367 --> 00:54:50,829
But you not gonna do it?
You think you're better than us, huh?

1009
00:54:50,912 --> 00:54:52,205
-No.
-Interesting.

1010
00:54:52,288 --> 00:54:54,791
Okay, what if… what if…
Some men need to know why.

1011
00:54:54,874 --> 00:54:57,252
So let's just give you
what happened to her leg. So…

1012
00:55:01,881 --> 00:55:03,133
So she's a patriot.

1013
00:55:04,175 --> 00:55:06,094
She was fighting for your freedom.

1014
00:55:07,887 --> 00:55:09,764
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1015
00:55:09,848 --> 00:55:12,183
She was overseas,
and she was in the barracks,

1016
00:55:12,851 --> 00:55:16,229
one of them tents,
and a lonely grenade rolled in.

1017
00:55:17,772 --> 00:55:20,734
And she saw it.
She's like, "Yo, there's a grenade!"

1018
00:55:20,817 --> 00:55:22,152
And nobody else heard her.

1019
00:55:23,111 --> 00:55:26,531
She just had that moment where
you just realize what you have to do.

1020
00:55:27,449 --> 00:55:29,075
She was just like, "America."

1021
00:55:30,869 --> 00:55:33,455
And she jumped on the grenade. Pow!

1022
00:55:33,538 --> 00:55:35,165
It blew both her legs off.

1023
00:55:36,124 --> 00:55:38,668
Pussy in pristine condition.

1024
00:55:40,337 --> 00:55:41,755
Nothing happened to the pussy.

1025
00:55:41,838 --> 00:55:45,842
Matter of fact, it was almost like
the explosion pushed all the juices up.

1026
00:55:47,052 --> 00:55:49,637
The pussy looked like
it was in a… in a glass museum.

1027
00:55:49,721 --> 00:55:51,639
The pussy looked immaculate.

1028
00:55:51,723 --> 00:55:53,725
Okay?

1029
00:55:53,808 --> 00:55:56,561
Now you at your house,
2:15 in the morning,

1030
00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:58,146
Hennessy in your system.

1031
00:56:01,107 --> 00:56:02,150
Your dick hard.

1032
00:56:03,151 --> 00:56:04,569
Your dick harder than hard.

1033
00:56:05,612 --> 00:56:06,529
Shiny.

1034
00:56:08,156 --> 00:56:11,534
That's the hardest form of a dick.
That's the full evolution.

1035
00:56:11,618 --> 00:56:14,287
If a dick was a Pokémon, Shiny…

1036
00:56:18,083 --> 00:56:20,960
I don't know if y'all ever been there.

1037
00:56:21,044 --> 00:56:24,089
Shiny is where all of the meat
inside your dick is like,

1038
00:56:24,172 --> 00:56:25,965
"What in the fuck we about to do?"

1039
00:56:27,550 --> 00:56:28,927
Ain't no more meat left.

1040
00:56:30,386 --> 00:56:31,596
"You ran out of skin."

1041
00:56:31,679 --> 00:56:34,349
Ain't enough skin
for all the meat inside of the dick.

1042
00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:36,559
It's taut.

1043
00:56:38,728 --> 00:56:42,816
You look down at your own dick
and see reflections of shit in your room.

1044
00:56:42,899 --> 00:56:44,984
It hurts. You're like,
"I gotta put this in something."

1045
00:56:45,068 --> 00:56:46,277
"I gotta do something."

1046
00:56:46,361 --> 00:56:49,072
Your girl ain't there.
She's nowhere be found.

1047
00:56:49,155 --> 00:56:52,158
You're by yourself.
Hand full of lotion. You're gonna fix it.

1048
00:56:53,284 --> 00:56:57,580
And right before you get to go to town,
you hear a knock at the door.

1049
00:56:59,999 --> 00:57:03,002
You go to the door,
hand full of lotion, pants at your knees.

1050
00:57:03,670 --> 00:57:06,714
You look in the peephole.
You don't see shit.

1051
00:57:09,843 --> 00:57:12,095
You see your whole porch out there,
goddammit.

1052
00:57:13,513 --> 00:57:15,557
"Huh. Must be the wind."

1053
00:57:17,892 --> 00:57:20,270
And your dick like,
"Come on, man. Let's go do this."

1054
00:57:20,353 --> 00:57:22,605
So you head back to the room.
You hear another knock.

1055
00:57:25,733 --> 00:57:29,112
You go back… you look,
you don't see nothing again.

1056
00:57:29,195 --> 00:57:31,197
Now you start lying.
"I got a gun in here!"

1057
00:57:31,281 --> 00:57:33,575
You do, but not right now.

1058
00:57:33,658 --> 00:57:37,245
Right now your pants down,
your hand full of lotion.You're helpless.

1059
00:57:37,745 --> 00:57:39,080
Your dick's shiny.

1060
00:57:39,956 --> 00:57:41,875
It's literally wobbling when you walk.

1061
00:57:44,377 --> 00:57:47,755
And then, out of nowhere,
the door gets kicked…

1062
00:57:47,839 --> 00:57:50,425
Uh, the door…

1063
00:57:50,508 --> 00:57:51,593
Shit.

1064
00:57:52,427 --> 00:57:55,388
The door gets, goddamn, this. It gets, uh…

1065
00:57:55,471 --> 00:57:56,639
Goddamn.

1066
00:57:56,723 --> 00:57:58,183
It gets, like, shouldered.

1067
00:57:59,058 --> 00:58:01,728
It gets that Gerry Bertier,
Remember the Titans.

1068
00:58:01,811 --> 00:58:04,314
It just…"Left side!"

1069
00:58:04,397 --> 00:58:05,690
"Strong side!"

1070
00:58:05,773 --> 00:58:08,818
The door just fly open. Pow! She fall in.

1071
00:58:08,902 --> 00:58:12,197
"Oh my God! Oh! Oh!"

1072
00:58:12,280 --> 00:58:15,074
"Oh! Oh!"

1073
00:58:15,158 --> 00:58:17,952
"Oh my God! I don't have any legs!"

1074
00:58:18,036 --> 00:58:22,207
"Give me some dick! Your dick is shiny!"

1075
00:58:22,290 --> 00:58:23,917
"It's shiny!"

1076
00:58:24,500 --> 00:58:26,044
"I'm a war hero."

1077
00:58:27,587 --> 00:58:29,422
"I'm Lieutenant Danielle."

1078
00:58:35,678 --> 00:58:36,763
Would you do it then?

1079
00:58:38,223 --> 00:58:39,432
I'm still saying no.

1080
00:58:39,515 --> 00:58:41,601
He's like, "I'm still saying no."

1081
00:58:41,684 --> 00:58:43,311
He's like, "I'll do it. Fuck it."

1082
00:58:43,394 --> 00:58:45,522
He said, "I'm doing it for America."

1083
00:58:48,775 --> 00:58:49,734
That's gay.

1084
00:58:52,028 --> 00:58:55,198
I described a hypothetical woman
with no legs, and he didn't want to do it,

1085
00:58:55,281 --> 00:58:57,200
but when I tooted my ass in his face…

1086
00:58:59,160 --> 00:59:00,578
…that won him over.

1087
00:59:01,412 --> 00:59:03,957
He was like,
"Ooh, this shit getting good!"

1088
00:59:04,666 --> 00:59:07,210
"Ooh, shit. I didn't know
he was gonna act an ass."

1089
00:59:12,799 --> 00:59:15,635
Maybe just stay single, Jake.
Fuck it. It ain't worth it.

1090
00:59:15,718 --> 00:59:19,055
Because this is the kind of shit you gotta
go through when you chase the dragon.

1091
00:59:21,849 --> 00:59:24,018
I'ma get outta here,
but I wanna do this on the way out,

1092
00:59:24,102 --> 00:59:28,773
'cause people say that all we got up here
is salmon, uh, white women, and coffee,

1093
00:59:28,856 --> 00:59:31,985
and this crowd shows a lot of diversity.

1094
00:59:32,068 --> 00:59:33,736
They say we're dumb here.
Did you know that?

1095
00:59:33,820 --> 00:59:36,781
So I want it to show the world
that we actually… we smart.

1096
00:59:37,573 --> 00:59:39,158
So we gonna play a game.

1097
00:59:39,993 --> 00:59:41,327
I need everybody to participate,

1098
00:59:41,411 --> 00:59:43,871
even if you're in the Mexican row
and you mad at me.

1099
00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:46,541
I need you to stay involved.

1100
00:59:46,624 --> 00:59:49,460
Barbecue man, barbecue lady,
I need you in there. Lock in.

1101
00:59:49,544 --> 00:59:52,380
Mr. Man bun… I need you involved.

1102
00:59:53,381 --> 00:59:55,758
So we gonna show the world
that we smart here.

1103
00:59:55,842 --> 00:59:57,844
I'm gonna ask you some math questions.

1104
01:00:00,513 --> 01:00:03,266
The one Asian like,
"I not the kind that count."

1105
01:00:06,436 --> 01:00:08,354
"I the kind that cook. Different kind."

1106
01:00:11,149 --> 01:00:14,485
We about to do this. You better get ready.
"Herro," it's happening.

1107
01:00:17,030 --> 01:00:19,032
-Ten plus ten?
-Twenty.

1108
01:00:19,115 --> 01:00:20,825
Not enough. Ten plus ten?

1109
01:00:20,908 --> 01:00:21,909
Twenty!

1110
01:00:21,993 --> 01:00:23,870
-Plus five?
-25.

1111
01:00:23,953 --> 01:00:26,080
-Plus five?
-Thirty.

1112
01:00:26,164 --> 01:00:27,123
Divided by two?

1113
01:00:27,206 --> 01:00:28,583
Fifteen.

1114
01:00:28,666 --> 01:00:31,461
-Divided by two?
-Seven and a half.

1115
01:00:31,544 --> 01:00:34,213
You see that, America?

1116
01:00:34,297 --> 01:00:38,134
We handled a decimal.
Nobody…. nobody dropped the ball.

1117
01:00:38,843 --> 01:00:41,596
Even our rednecks are like,
"Seven and a half."

1118
01:00:45,391 --> 01:00:48,853
Now we gonna show off.
I'm gonna go faster. 7.5 plus 0.5?

1119
01:00:48,936 --> 01:00:49,896
Eight.

1120
01:00:49,979 --> 01:00:51,189
-Plus two?
-Ten.

1121
01:00:51,272 --> 01:00:52,857
-Times seven.
-70.

1122
01:00:52,940 --> 01:00:53,775
Plus seven?

1123
01:00:53,858 --> 01:00:56,027
-77.
-Divided by 11?

1124
01:00:56,110 --> 01:00:57,862
-Seven.
-Minus two?

1125
01:00:57,945 --> 01:00:59,197
-Five.
-Minus one?

1126
01:00:59,280 --> 01:01:01,032
-Four
-Divided by two?

1127
01:01:01,115 --> 01:01:02,325
-Two.
-Minus one?

1128
01:01:02,408 --> 01:01:03,993
-One.
-Minus one?

1129
01:01:04,077 --> 01:01:05,787
-Zero.
-Final answer?

1130
01:01:05,870 --> 01:01:06,954
Zero!

1131
01:01:07,038 --> 01:01:09,874
And that is exactly
how many bitches he got.

1132
01:01:12,710 --> 01:01:14,671
Seattle, Washington, I love y'all, man.

1133
01:01:21,427 --> 01:01:23,346
-Okay, okay, okay
-Ah!

1134
01:01:27,683 --> 01:01:29,352
-Tell 'em how we gonna come
-Crunk!

1135
01:01:29,435 --> 01:01:31,437
-Tell 'em why they don't want none
-Crunk!

1136
01:01:31,521 --> 01:01:33,856
-Tell 'em why they better run
-Crunk!

1137
01:01:33,940 --> 01:01:35,566
-Crunk! Crunk!
-Ooh!

1138
01:01:35,650 --> 01:01:36,984
But you look excited, sir,

1139
01:01:37,068 --> 01:01:39,028
with the Harry and the Hendersons
forehead.

1140
01:01:39,112 --> 01:01:41,406
I am.

1141
01:01:42,156 --> 01:01:45,535
Scoot down just a little bit.
Just scoot down. Right… right there.

1142
01:01:51,290 --> 01:01:52,750
Why is it so shiny?

1143
01:01:54,085 --> 01:01:56,170
He looks like he stopped
in the airport. "Shoeshine!"

1144
01:01:59,674 --> 01:02:03,344
I want y'all to light up the balcony,
and I'm gonna talk some shit up there too.

1145
01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:05,805
That lady laugh like a crackhead.

1146
01:02:08,099 --> 01:02:10,184
She's like, "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

1147
01:02:10,268 --> 01:02:11,477
"Ah-ha-ha!"

1148
01:02:11,561 --> 01:02:14,105
Y'all, give it up for Ruben Studdard, man.
He made it out.

1149
01:02:17,692 --> 01:02:20,486
Hell yeah.
And right in front of him, Nelly's father.

1150
01:02:21,654 --> 01:02:24,532
I'm going down, down, baby
Your street in a Range Rover

1151
01:02:24,615 --> 01:02:27,118
Let me see.
Who is that in all that hair up there?

1152
01:02:27,201 --> 01:02:28,411
Ooh, shit.

1153
01:02:31,205 --> 01:02:34,834
Rapunzel, Rapunzel!

1154
01:02:34,917 --> 01:02:37,336
Let your hair down!

1155
01:02:37,920 --> 01:02:40,006
She's trying to let it down.

1156
01:02:40,089 --> 01:02:42,884
Listen… if I grab that, it's coming off.

1157
01:02:45,136 --> 01:02:46,554
Let's go up.

1158
01:02:46,637 --> 01:02:48,222
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

1159
01:02:48,306 --> 01:02:50,683
Ooh. Ooh.

1160
01:02:51,684 --> 01:02:53,519
Ooh…

1161
01:02:55,188 --> 01:02:58,941
Ooh… shit.

1162
01:03:00,443 --> 01:03:01,736
Ooh, shit.

1163
01:03:03,029 --> 01:03:05,573
Ooh, I can't. I can't. Ooh-wee!

1164
01:03:05,656 --> 01:03:07,658
Shit. You look beautiful, sir.

1165
01:03:07,742 --> 01:03:09,702
You're beautiful.

1166
01:03:09,785 --> 01:03:12,288
Goddamn. He look just like my dick.

1167
01:03:15,750 --> 01:03:18,753
As soon as I looked at him, I was like…

1168
01:03:19,462 --> 01:03:20,671
Fuck!

1169
01:03:22,298 --> 01:03:24,008
Yeah!

1170
01:03:24,091 --> 01:03:25,092
Crunk!

1171
01:03:26,302 --> 01:03:27,720
Crunk!

1172
01:03:27,803 --> 01:03:28,721
Crunk!

1173
01:03:29,347 --> 01:03:31,015
-Break it on down
-Crunk!

1174
01:03:31,098 --> 01:03:32,350
Crunk!
it on down
-Crunk!