1 00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:08,174 [announcer] Turn my music up for my dawg! 2 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:10,719 ["Halftime" by Ying Yang Twins plays] 3 00:00:10,802 --> 00:00:11,678 I love it! 4 00:00:11,761 --> 00:00:15,849 Make some noise right now for Nate Jackson! 5 00:00:15,932 --> 00:00:18,601 [raucous cheering and applause] 6 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,937 -♪ Tell 'em why they better run ♪ -♪ Crunk! ♪ 7 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,063 ♪ Crunk! ♪ 8 00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:23,231 ♪ Crunk! ♪ 9 00:00:23,314 --> 00:00:26,401 [audience whooping and cheering] 10 00:00:29,779 --> 00:00:31,990 What up? What up? What up? What up? What up? 11 00:00:32,073 --> 00:00:34,325 Y'all, sit down! Sit down! Sit down! 12 00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:35,910 Sit down! Sit down! 13 00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:39,080 -[men barking] -[Nate] Sit down! What up, y'all? What up? 14 00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:41,833 -[audience cheers] -Man, I'm feeling the love. 15 00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:43,793 Y'all got the energy crazy in here right now. 16 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,628 -I love that. -[audience cheers] 17 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:48,965 -Crazy. Crazy. -[scattered barking and applause] 18 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,468 I wanna talk about something before I start. I wanna say this. 19 00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:54,512 When you guys give compliments and say, "Hey, Nate, you're doing your thing," 20 00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,306 let's just keep it at that, 'kay? 21 00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:58,600 -'Cause, um… -[audience laughs] 22 00:00:58,683 --> 00:01:02,187 …what I don't like is when, um, people come up to me and say, 23 00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:05,565 "Hey, your career is going great. I love your stuff, big dog." 24 00:01:05,648 --> 00:01:06,566 Um… 25 00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:08,526 [audience laughing] 26 00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:11,321 It's the "big dog" for me. Like, who the fuck? 27 00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:13,031 Who are you talking to? 28 00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:15,366 I'm medium, bitch. I'm a cocker spaniel now. 29 00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,576 [audience laughs] 30 00:01:16,659 --> 00:01:20,330 I've been doing 10,000 steps a day. "Big dog" is hella disrespectful. 31 00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,166 I'm sick of skinny people coming up to fat people, 32 00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:25,293 telling us what size they think we are. 33 00:01:25,376 --> 00:01:26,920 -[laughter] -We don't do that to you. 34 00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:29,380 "What's up, big dog?" "What's up, rib cage?" The fuck? 35 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:30,715 [audience laughs] 36 00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,509 That's hella disrespectful. 37 00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:34,886 "What's up, big dog?" "What's up, 23 cents a day?" 38 00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:36,846 [audience laughs] 39 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,432 [chuckles] Disrespectful. 40 00:01:40,308 --> 00:01:42,101 If you're skinny, say "yeah, yeah." 41 00:01:42,185 --> 00:01:44,938 -[audience] "Yeah, yeah." -If you big, say "Yeah, yeah." 42 00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:47,190 -[audience loudly] "Yeah, yeah!" -See what I'm saying? 43 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:50,276 You keep talking shit, we gon' eat your bitch ass. 44 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,986 [audience laughs, whoops] 45 00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:53,279 I'm sick of it. 46 00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:56,366 Skinny people tell fat people what they're doing wrong all the time. 47 00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:58,159 Didn't nobody ask you, first of all. 48 00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:00,954 I'm fat 'cause I like food. It is what it is. 49 00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:03,998 I earned this body. This is from me saying "yes." 50 00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:06,125 -[audience laughs] -I said "yes." 51 00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:09,003 "You got room for dessert?" "Yes, I do have room for dessert." 52 00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:12,173 -[audience chuckling] -[chuckles] "Would you like pie or cake?" 53 00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:13,132 "Yes." 54 00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:14,968 [audience laughs] 55 00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:16,261 [chuckles] 56 00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:18,972 This is America. Everybody fat here. Might as well embrace it. 57 00:02:19,055 --> 00:02:19,889 [audience laughs] 58 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:22,559 It's nine calories per deep breath in America. 59 00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:24,018 [audience laughs] 60 00:02:25,019 --> 00:02:27,689 Fat people, is it me or the day you say you'll get your life together, 61 00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:29,149 they drop the new snacks? 62 00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:31,109 -[audience laughs] -[Nate chuckles] 63 00:02:31,192 --> 00:02:33,486 I'm like, "I'm about to cut down on all the bullshit." 64 00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,196 "I'm not eating nothing bad." 65 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,489 And KFC was like, 66 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:39,242 "Check out the new chicken pizza!" 67 00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:40,326 [audience laughs] 68 00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,704 I was like, "Nigga, they got chicken pizza?" 69 00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:43,955 [audience laughs] 70 00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:46,374 And then they put it on the screen, and they had it rotating, 71 00:02:46,457 --> 00:02:48,459 and all the light was glistening off of it. 72 00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:49,544 I had just ate. 73 00:02:49,627 --> 00:02:50,795 [audience laughs] 74 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:51,838 I was full. 75 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:56,301 But I was, like, "I gotta go get one of those immediately. Absolutely." 76 00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:58,469 I'm with my homeboy. He saw it too. 77 00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:01,055 -He was like, "Nigga." -[audience laughs] 78 00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:03,349 [chuckles] And he's white. I was like, "Wait a minute." 79 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:06,102 [audience laughs, applauds] 80 00:03:06,185 --> 00:03:09,689 "What the fuck, Trevor?" "I'm sorry. I got overwhelmed." 81 00:03:09,772 --> 00:03:12,609 "Yeah, 'overwhelmed,' your ass. Get your car keys. We going to get it." 82 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:15,069 -[audience laughs] -"Shotgun. And you're buying my shit." 83 00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:17,697 "And you're learning about civil rights all the way to KFC." 84 00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:20,116 -[audience laughs] -"Fuck wrong with you?" 85 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,076 [audience applauding] 86 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:25,038 I'm fat now 'cause of Crumbl Cookies. I ain't even gonna hold you. 87 00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:26,456 [audience laughs] 88 00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:29,834 I know people have had Crumbl Cookies, and you're like, "I just don't get it." 89 00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:31,252 Go back. 90 00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:32,712 [audience chuckling] 91 00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:36,716 They change them out every Monday morning at 7:28 a.m. 92 00:03:36,799 --> 00:03:39,844 Don't ask me how I know the schedule. Just know I'm plugged in. 93 00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:40,929 [audience chuckling] 94 00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:44,182 Crumbl Cookies don't even sit in the box like regular cookies. 95 00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:45,642 Regular cookies just be in the box. 96 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:48,102 Crumbl Cookies be in the box like, "What's up, bitch?" 97 00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:49,395 [audience laughs] 98 00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:52,273 "What's up? You take a bite out of me? What's up, baby boy?" 99 00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:53,483 [woman 1 whoops] 100 00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:55,318 They down there selling cultural cookies 101 00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:58,488 to make you come get a cookie just to support your people. 102 00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:00,865 I'm not bullshitting. Listen. 103 00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:06,496 Cinco de Mayo, they dropped a la leche, flan, churro cookie. 104 00:04:07,538 --> 00:04:11,084 This is the most racist Mexican cookie I ever heard of. 105 00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:13,086 Mexicans, they're like, "How do you do all three?" 106 00:04:13,169 --> 00:04:14,128 They figured it out. 107 00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:15,838 [audience laughs] 108 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,548 I called my Mexican homeboy up. 109 00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:20,843 I'm like, "Bro, they are selling recipes from your culture 110 00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,096 to get you to come down there and eat." 111 00:04:23,179 --> 00:04:25,139 He was like, "I'm already down here, fool." 112 00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:26,516 [audience laughs] 113 00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:29,727 "The fuck you mean, already down there?" He's like, "Yeah, I'm down here, bro." 114 00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:32,563 "I've been here since cuatro de Mayo, man. We camped out." 115 00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:33,940 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] 116 00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:36,192 "You've been there since yesterday?" 117 00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:39,320 "You're gonna eat those racist cookies?" 118 00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:41,531 He's, like, "They're delicious, fool." 119 00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:44,325 "Wait till February." He hung up. I'm like, "February?" 120 00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:47,829 [scattered laughter, applause] 121 00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:49,497 "Why does February matter?" 122 00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:51,207 February came around. 123 00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:53,209 Cornbread cookies. 124 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,836 [audience laughs] 125 00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,380 I'm not bullshitting. Cornbread cookies. 126 00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:01,467 When I tell you, I've never driven across town that fast in my life… 127 00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:02,969 I was drifting. 128 00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:05,221 Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh! 129 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,057 And it better be good too, or I'm protesting, bitch. 130 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,684 [audience laughs] 131 00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:10,768 Fucking delicious. 132 00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:14,313 I'm talking about, it was so good, if your grandma had one right now, 133 00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:17,900 I'd beat the shit out your grandma for that last cookie. 134 00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,861 [audience laughs] 135 00:05:19,944 --> 00:05:22,905 Skinny people think fat people fat 'cause we don't got gym memberships. 136 00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:23,823 We do. 137 00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:26,200 We do! I got two right now. 138 00:05:26,284 --> 00:05:27,160 [woman 2 laughs] 139 00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:29,746 I got all the equipment that's ever been on an infomercial. 140 00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:31,914 I got ab rollers. I got a Shake Weight. 141 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,791 [audience laughs] 142 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:36,336 I was using it too. I was like, "Yeah, this is… this is…" 143 00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:38,296 -[audience laughs] -[woman 3 whoops] 144 00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:41,966 Fuck around and walked by a mirror, like, "Hell no!" 145 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,302 -[audience laughs] -What the fu… [moans] 146 00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:46,179 -What the fuck? -[raucous laughter] 147 00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:49,223 [chuckles] I threw that shit under the bed. Absolutely not. 148 00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,392 [audience laughs] 149 00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:55,897 I did P90X. I was sweating like a motherfucker. 150 00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:56,898 [audience laughs] 151 00:05:56,981 --> 00:06:01,527 And he was like, "That's the warm-up." I was like… [laughs] "Excuse me?" 152 00:06:02,361 --> 00:06:04,697 [laughs] "I'm done." 153 00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,949 [audience laughs] 154 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:09,869 "I just did the P. I'll have to come back, get the 90 tomorrow." 155 00:06:09,952 --> 00:06:13,039 "Goddamn. I might not get to the X. I swear to God." 156 00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:16,793 Two gym memberships, one of them 24 Hour Fitness. 157 00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:19,504 I got that in case I ever wanna work out in the middle of the night. 158 00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:21,506 -[audience laughs] -I've had that four years. 159 00:06:21,589 --> 00:06:24,592 I don't know what the paint looks like inside the goddamn building. 160 00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:28,805 [chuckles] I ain't never had a need to work out at 3:30 in the morning. 161 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:31,557 I've seen people at the gym at 3:30 in the morning. 162 00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:34,268 After I leave the club and IHOP, I stop by. 163 00:06:34,852 --> 00:06:36,771 Seen the people in there, dedicated, working out. 164 00:06:36,854 --> 00:06:39,315 I'm like, "Look at these crackhead motherfuckers in here." 165 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,775 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] 166 00:06:40,858 --> 00:06:42,944 I roll my window down. "Go to bed!" 167 00:06:43,027 --> 00:06:45,780 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] "Eat a sandwich!" 168 00:06:45,863 --> 00:06:47,240 [chuckles] 169 00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:50,535 Listen, the membership that I really like is Planet Fitness, 170 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,622 because it's clean, and it's a no-judgment zone. 171 00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:56,999 But that's the part I got an issue with. 172 00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,210 Like, they need to change that slogan, man. 173 00:06:59,293 --> 00:07:01,379 "No judgment" is crazy. Like, none? 174 00:07:01,462 --> 00:07:02,755 [audience laughs] 175 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:04,966 This is America. We all judging a little bit. 176 00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:08,970 They needed to put that on the wall. "A little bit of judgment wouldn't hurt." 177 00:07:09,053 --> 00:07:10,263 That's what it should say. 178 00:07:10,346 --> 00:07:12,431 -"No judgment" is crazy. -[audience laughs] 179 00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:17,311 There was a man laying… laying on his stomach. 180 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,315 Okay, you know the machine you 'spose to lay on your stomach 181 00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:22,608 and do your legs like this? 182 00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,360 -[man 1] Leg curl. -What's it called? 183 00:07:24,443 --> 00:07:26,904 -[man 1] Leg curl. -The leg curl? Thank you, uh, creatine. 184 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,865 -What the fuck? -[audience laughs] 185 00:07:30,241 --> 00:07:31,409 He doing this. 186 00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,494 Right? This is the machine. 187 00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:35,746 He the other way. He doing his neck. 188 00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:38,124 -[audience laughs] -This is where we need judgment. 189 00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:40,793 Somebody gotta come up like, "Hey, man, what the fuck?" 190 00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:43,379 Right? And nobody was saying anything 'cause of "no judgment." 191 00:07:43,462 --> 00:07:45,798 You're not supposed to say nothing. Be quiet, make no noise. 192 00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:49,135 I said something. I walked up. I'm like, "Fam, turn that shit around." 193 00:07:49,218 --> 00:07:50,553 -"Bro, you can't…" -[laughter] 194 00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:52,221 You know? "Why are you doing neck-ups?" 195 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:56,476 Whose dick you getting ready to suck that you need to be clearing 45 pounds, 196 00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:58,895 15 goddamn times for three sets? 197 00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:00,855 Are you about to go to the Avengers house, nigga? 198 00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:03,649 Is Thor waiting on you to come through with a superhero neck? 199 00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:05,318 Turn your dumb ass around. 200 00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:07,653 Do you know the staff came and talked to me? 201 00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:09,113 [audience laughs] 202 00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:11,657 They saw this fool, and they walked up to me. 203 00:08:12,241 --> 00:08:14,285 "Hey, man, leave him alone. It's no-judgment zone." 204 00:08:14,368 --> 00:08:15,870 "He's using it how he feels fit." 205 00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:18,331 I was like, "First of all, uh, his dick and balls 206 00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:20,583 are where my face gonna go if I get on there next." 207 00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:23,085 [audience laughing, clapping] 208 00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:26,464 Ridiculous. They want you to be quiet at the gym. 209 00:08:26,547 --> 00:08:29,300 It's the only gym in the world got a button on the wall you can hit 210 00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:31,677 if somebody loud, and they come out and get 'em. 211 00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:33,638 They put 'em the fuck out the gym. 212 00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:37,225 It's called a lunk alert. You hit it, "Pow!" Purple lights go off. 213 00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:39,936 Security and shit be rolling all out from the bench presses 214 00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:41,646 and popping out the locker room and shit. 215 00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:43,648 "Where the fuck were y'all at when I came in?" 216 00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:45,983 They're like, "You're too loud. Get your ass outta here." 217 00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:47,818 -[audience laughs] -That's what they do. 218 00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:50,029 They want you to lift weights and be quiet. 219 00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:52,531 -You know how stupid that is? -[woman 4] Right. 220 00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:55,618 This ain't no library. You should be able to say something. 221 00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:56,869 The point of lifting weights 222 00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:59,163 is what you got now is the heaviest you've ever lifted. 223 00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:01,165 -You supposed to beat yesterday. -[woman 4] Right. 224 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:04,252 So I'm gonna pick up the heaviest shit I've ever picked up, 225 00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:07,421 and you want me to just breathe out my nose, I can't say nothing? 226 00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:11,175 -[audience laughing] -I'm just like… [suppressed grunting] 227 00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:12,385 Hell no. 228 00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:14,512 The gym is supposed to be loud and wild. 229 00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:17,014 Supposed to be white dudes in the corner shaking their thighs, 230 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:18,599 like, "Yeah, motherfucker." 231 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:19,767 [audience laughs] 232 00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:23,771 Fucking doing smelling salts. [sniffs] "Yeah, motherfucker! Bitch!" 233 00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:26,065 -[audience laughs] -"Fuck yeah! Yell!" 234 00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:28,150 [audience laughing] 235 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,031 But I gotta be quiet. 236 00:09:34,615 --> 00:09:36,784 That's crazy to me. I don't even bust a nut quiet. 237 00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:38,369 -How the fuck…? -[audience laughs] 238 00:09:38,452 --> 00:09:40,997 I don't. I'm… [chuckles] That might be too much information. 239 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,623 But I like to make noise. 240 00:09:43,332 --> 00:09:45,293 I make noise, and I cuss at the end. 241 00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:46,794 [audience laughs] 242 00:09:46,877 --> 00:09:48,379 I like to get right under earlobe, 243 00:09:48,462 --> 00:09:50,381 right over that clavicle on that neck right there. 244 00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:54,093 I be like… [exclaims exaggeratedly] 245 00:09:54,176 --> 00:09:55,386 [inhales deeply] 246 00:09:55,469 --> 00:09:56,512 "Fuck!" 247 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,848 -[audience laughs] -[Nate chuckles] 248 00:09:58,931 --> 00:10:00,224 That's how I bust. 249 00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:03,603 -[audience laughs] -[Nate chuckles] You gotta say something. 250 00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:06,355 It don't feel complete, as a man, if you don't say something. 251 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,608 [exclaims exaggeratedly] 252 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,735 "Fuck!" 253 00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:11,944 [audience laughs] 254 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:14,989 "Whoo!" You can "whoo" after. "Whoo!" You can do that after. 255 00:10:15,072 --> 00:10:16,157 [audience laughs] 256 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,992 Ladies, if you haven't heard that, 257 00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:21,996 if a man hasn't said that at the end of him busting a nut, 258 00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:25,207 your pussy's trash, and I don't want you to get… 259 00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:28,044 Hey. Hey. Basura. Hey, don't get mad at me! 260 00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:31,505 -[audience laughs] -"Basura," that's "trash" in Spanish. 261 00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:33,883 -[audience laughing] -[chuckles] 262 00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:36,802 'Cause women with good pussy, they know. They wait on it. 263 00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:40,222 They know it's coming. You be like… [exclaims exaggeratedly] 264 00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:43,184 -She's like, "Let it out. Come on." -[audience laughs] 265 00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:44,518 "Go ahead, let it out." 266 00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:46,437 "Fuck!" 267 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,439 "I know. I know." 268 00:10:48,522 --> 00:10:51,651 "You were talking all that shit at work, you gonna blow my back out." 269 00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,110 [all laugh] 270 00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,404 "Look at you, sucking your thumb, punk ass." 271 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:58,366 -[audience laughs] -"Look at your ass." [hums contentedly] 272 00:10:58,866 --> 00:11:01,952 -You gotta say something. -[audience laughs] 273 00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:04,246 It's weird if you don't. It's just empty air? 274 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:06,665 [exclaims exaggeratedly] 275 00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:11,629 [audience laughing] 276 00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:15,007 [laughter continues] 277 00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:17,802 "You hungry? You want…" 278 00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:19,261 [audience laughs] 279 00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,138 [chuckles] Absolutely not. 280 00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:25,226 You gotta say something. I don't care who you are. Even a pastor. 281 00:11:25,309 --> 00:11:26,727 [audience laughs] 282 00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:30,815 That's the kind of pastor I want. I need to know my pastor bust hard. 283 00:11:30,898 --> 00:11:31,941 [audience laughs] 284 00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:35,861 [exclaims exaggeratedly, becomes melodic] 285 00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:37,613 [audience laughs, claps] 286 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,281 ♪ Hallelujah ♪ 287 00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:40,574 [laughter, clapping] 288 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,243 ♪ Fuck ♪ 289 00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:44,453 -[audience laughs] -[Nate laughs] 290 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,080 "I done busted anoint." 291 00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:47,748 [all laugh] 292 00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:51,001 "You bust a nut. I bust anoint." 293 00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:52,712 "Oh, that ji…" [chuckles] 294 00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:55,798 "That was in there pressed down." [gasps] "It was in their shaking." [gasps] 295 00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:59,218 "It was running over." [gasps] "It was up inside of me." [gasps] 296 00:11:59,301 --> 00:12:01,220 [in singsong] "And it had to get out." 297 00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:03,764 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] Hey, man, these are jokes. 298 00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:04,932 [clapping] 299 00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:08,227 -I ain't going to hell. [laughs] -[audience laughs] 300 00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:13,899 [exclaims exaggeratedly] 301 00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:15,943 [audience] Fuck! 302 00:12:16,026 --> 00:12:17,945 -[Nate laughs] -[audience laughs] 303 00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:19,071 [clapping] 304 00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:20,197 There was even girls. 305 00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:22,450 -[in high voice] "Fuck!" -[audience laughs] 306 00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,243 [in high voice] "Fuck!" 307 00:12:24,326 --> 00:12:26,662 [chuckles] We don't bust the same. Girls get stupid. 308 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,415 -[in high voice] "Fuck!" -[audience laughs] 309 00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:32,126 -[in high voice] "Fuck!" -[audience laughs] 310 00:12:32,209 --> 00:12:34,712 -[in high voice] "Fuck!" -[audience laughs] 311 00:12:34,795 --> 00:12:38,424 -[in high voice] "Fuck!" -[audience laughs, applauds] 312 00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:40,342 [Nate moans] 313 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:44,221 [breathes heavily] 314 00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:46,223 [in high voice] "No judgment, though!" 315 00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:47,766 [audience laughs] 316 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:48,976 [Nate laughs] 317 00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:53,189 All right, listen. 318 00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:54,440 [laughter subsides] 319 00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:55,775 Rule number one. 320 00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,235 If I look at you… 321 00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:00,446 [audience chuckles expectantly] 322 00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:02,448 …and you don't want no smoke, 323 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:04,658 look away. 324 00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:06,660 [audience laughs] 325 00:13:07,661 --> 00:13:08,788 That's rule number one. 326 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:12,875 We did, like, 180 cities in the last two and a half years, 327 00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:16,170 and every single show, that is the rule and the standard. 328 00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:19,173 I do not get people unless they lock eyes with the bull 329 00:13:19,256 --> 00:13:21,008 and give me consent. 330 00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:26,138 So in every video you've seen where I'm tearing somebody's ass apart, 331 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:29,475 you need to know that it started with them locking eyes. 332 00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:32,186 -[audience laughs] -And wanting all of the bullshit. 333 00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:35,189 As a matter of fact, this is called the Roast Zone. 334 00:13:35,272 --> 00:13:38,943 If anybody is accidentally down here, it's time to get the fuck out. 335 00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:40,819 [audience laughs] 336 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:45,533 'Cause rule number two is, if I look at you and you look at me, 337 00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:47,576 and I start, 338 00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:50,746 and you don't like what I decided to talk about, 339 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:54,041 looking away will no longer save you. 340 00:13:54,124 --> 00:13:56,752 [audience laughs] 341 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,754 You gotta do it at the top of the interaction. 342 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,423 You're not gonna just be taste-testing my jokes. 343 00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:02,842 [audience laughs] 344 00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:04,927 People do that. They lock eyes with me, then I start. 345 00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,054 They're like, "He talking about my snaggletooth." 346 00:14:07,137 --> 00:14:08,305 [audience laughs] 347 00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:10,140 [exasperated] "Oh my God." 348 00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:13,853 They be acting blind. "Oh, he can't see me if I can't see him." [chuckles] 349 00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:15,229 ♪ Georgia ♪ 350 00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:16,939 [audience laughs] 351 00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:18,482 ♪ Georgia ♪ 352 00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:20,526 [sings "Georgia on My Mind" melody] 353 00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:23,153 If you act blind, I'm gonna destroy your whole row. 354 00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:25,447 [audience laughing] 355 00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:27,533 [laughter subsides] 356 00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:31,245 Rule number three, don't be sensitive on behalf of other people. 357 00:14:31,328 --> 00:14:34,415 -[scattered chuckles, whoops] -Not in here, not tonight. 358 00:14:34,498 --> 00:14:36,500 Outside of here, you should look after your neighbor. 359 00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:38,252 It'd be a better place, a better world. 360 00:14:38,335 --> 00:14:41,171 -[audience laughs] -Okay? But in here tonight… 361 00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:42,423 fuck 'em. 362 00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:43,716 [audience laughing] 363 00:14:43,799 --> 00:14:46,135 [cheering, clapping] 364 00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:50,890 [whistling] 365 00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:52,141 Now, listen. 366 00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:55,436 I'm well aware that the only people that just clapped for that 367 00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:57,187 are the assholes. 368 00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:59,398 [audience laughs] 369 00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:00,816 And you know who you are. 370 00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:04,862 But there's people in here that have big hearts. They're empaths. 371 00:15:04,945 --> 00:15:08,073 When something's happening to somebody else, they feel connected to it. 372 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:10,701 I have to say it again. Not tonight. 373 00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:12,244 [audience laughs] 374 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,622 I want you to know, I'm not talking to every demographic. 375 00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:16,707 I'm talking to white women specifically. 376 00:15:16,790 --> 00:15:18,125 [audience laughs] 377 00:15:18,208 --> 00:15:20,336 Yeah, I've been doing comedy for 21 years. 378 00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:23,130 I know exactly which demographic gets sensitive first. 379 00:15:23,213 --> 00:15:24,340 [audience laughs] 380 00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:28,052 They touch their elbow and start asking for police, managers. 381 00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:30,804 "I'm sorry. I… I just… I just can't." 382 00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:33,766 "No, I… I understand, but it's too much for me, 383 00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:35,267 and I just feel like…" 384 00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:38,312 Not tonight. You hear me, white lady? Not "no, I just feel like…" 385 00:15:38,395 --> 00:15:40,272 -Let your damn elbow go. -[audience laughs] 386 00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,274 Right there. Yeah, you got that look. Look out. 387 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:45,027 You touch your elbow, police be parachuting in this bitch. 388 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,737 [audience laughing] 389 00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:48,864 [scattered clapping] 390 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:52,326 And you may not be that person, but there's something in your blood, 391 00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,954 your heritage that makes you just… It's what they do. 392 00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:58,791 White women been doing this, long before the Karen name. 393 00:15:58,874 --> 00:16:00,542 [scattered chuckling] 394 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:02,211 Medieval times, they were there. 395 00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:03,545 [scattered chuckling] 396 00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:05,506 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they were there. 397 00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:10,552 White people riding on horses, full speed, with whatever this shit is called. 398 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:11,804 [audience laughs] 399 00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:15,099 "Whoa, Cinnamon. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, Cinnamon." 400 00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:17,351 [clicking tongue] "Whoa, Cinnamon." 401 00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:18,978 [scattered laughter] 402 00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:20,312 Kings and Queens, 403 00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:24,358 round table, sword in the stone, 404 00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:25,359 white women. 405 00:16:25,442 --> 00:16:26,694 [scattered laughter] 406 00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:28,278 They were there, tattletaling. 407 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:29,321 "Sire!" 408 00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,448 [audience laughs] 409 00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:36,286 "Sire. No, sire, one of the court jesters has gone too far. Please." 410 00:16:36,370 --> 00:16:38,288 [audience laughs] 411 00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:41,083 "May I suggest a beheading expeditiously, 412 00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:43,544 as winter is coming?" 413 00:16:43,627 --> 00:16:46,171 [audience laughs] 414 00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:47,881 Prehistoric times. 415 00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:52,594 Woolly mammoth, saber-toothed tigers, nobody's safe. 416 00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:56,098 Going outside is a dangerous activity. 417 00:16:56,181 --> 00:17:00,019 You leave with seven people, "Rawr!" You come back with five. 418 00:17:00,102 --> 00:17:01,437 [audience laughs] 419 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,314 Uncle and auntie gone. Ain't no funeral. 420 00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:07,568 You just put an "X" over their stick figure inside the cave. 421 00:17:07,651 --> 00:17:09,403 [audience laughs] 422 00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:12,031 That's right. 423 00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:16,785 Woolly mammoths, saber-toothed tigers, white women, they were there. 424 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,078 [audience laughs] 425 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:19,163 They were there! 426 00:17:20,664 --> 00:17:21,832 In the cave, 427 00:17:22,624 --> 00:17:23,542 complaining. 428 00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:24,918 [audience laughs] 429 00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:30,090 [audience laughs] 430 00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:33,469 "Ooga booga." 431 00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:35,763 [audience laughs] 432 00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:38,974 "Ooga booga, boo-booga, ooga ooga boo-booga." 433 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:39,892 "Manager." 434 00:17:39,975 --> 00:17:41,602 -"Ooga booga booga!" -[audience laughs] 435 00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:43,479 "Ooga boo-booga. Police." 436 00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:45,272 "Ooga boo-booga booga." 437 00:17:45,355 --> 00:17:46,982 [audience laughs] 438 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,275 And you got superpowers. 439 00:17:48,358 --> 00:17:49,818 Anybody could touch their elbow, 440 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,988 but everybody don't get the same police response time. 441 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,281 [scattered laughter] 442 00:17:54,364 --> 00:17:56,408 I didn't make the rules. It's just, this America. 443 00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:58,744 -[audience laughs] -It really is a thing. 444 00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:01,622 It's hand, elbow, somebody Black going to jail. 445 00:18:01,705 --> 00:18:03,457 [scattered laughter] 446 00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:05,375 Hand, elbow, nigga, jail. 447 00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:06,794 [audience laughs] 448 00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:09,963 ♪ Hand, elbow, nigga, jail! ♪ 449 00:18:10,047 --> 00:18:12,424 -[audience laughs] -[Nate laughs] 450 00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:13,967 Everybody, sing it with me! 451 00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:16,178 -[audience inhales] ♪ Ha… ♪ -Shut the fuck up! 452 00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:17,846 [audience laughs] 453 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,056 Shut up! 454 00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:20,974 Way too many white people took a deep breath. 455 00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:22,643 [audience laughs] 456 00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:24,937 Motherfuckers was gonna say it. I saw you. 457 00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:26,355 He was like… [inhales] 458 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,398 -"Oh shit, I was…" -[audience laughs] 459 00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:32,027 "I can't wait for that third word, motherfucker! I'm gonna say it!" 460 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:34,238 Not tonight, white people. 461 00:18:34,321 --> 00:18:35,614 [audience laughs] 462 00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:38,617 You almost got your hand on your elbow now. Calm down. 463 00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:43,121 -[audience laughing] -[scattered applause] 464 00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:52,381 It's important. It's the whole reason why rule number three exists. 465 00:18:52,464 --> 00:18:55,342 Let me tell you guys how this happened. We was in Ontario, California. 466 00:18:55,425 --> 00:18:58,804 There was a man in a wheelchair, right where you're sitting in the glasses. 467 00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:00,305 I like what you're doing with that. 468 00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:04,059 He was in a wheelchair. And there's two kinds of wheelchairs. 469 00:19:04,601 --> 00:19:06,562 There's the no-insurance wheelchair. 470 00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:08,021 [audience laughs] 471 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:11,191 Everybody's seen the wheelchair. 472 00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:14,027 It's the one in the back of the Rite Aid, CVS. 473 00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:16,655 It's next to the little thing you put your arm in, 474 00:19:16,738 --> 00:19:17,739 get your blood pressure. 475 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:18,657 [audience laughs] 476 00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:21,952 When somebody finish up with it, they fold it up and leave it there 477 00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:23,954 for the next person with no insurance. 478 00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:25,038 They got the pedals on it. 479 00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:27,332 You gotta put the pedals down, then your feet up. 480 00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:28,500 You do everything yourself. 481 00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:31,503 You wanna turn right, you gotta push it. You wanna go left, you pull it. 482 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:32,838 You gotta work hard. 483 00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:36,049 -That's the no-insurance wheelchair, okay? -[audience laughs] 484 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:39,136 My man didn't have that one. Something happened to him at work. 485 00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:40,971 He was paid. 486 00:19:41,054 --> 00:19:44,099 I could tell he was rich, because his feet were elevated. 487 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,350 [scattered laughter] 488 00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:49,938 This is the insurance, L&I claim, "I won the lawsuit" wheelchair. 489 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:50,939 [audience laughs] 490 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:55,235 This is the "I fell off a ladder at my government job" wheelchair. 491 00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:57,821 I'm talking about, he had on shoes that were ten years old, 492 00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,615 and they looked brand-goddamn-new. 493 00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:02,576 They have never touched the ground before in the life of the shoe. 494 00:20:02,659 --> 00:20:05,704 It went from shelf to feet, feet to shelf, shelf, feet, 495 00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:07,789 feet, shelf, shelf, feet. 496 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,708 -[audience laughs] -Feet, shelf. 497 00:20:09,791 --> 00:20:13,462 They never touched the ground. He on a memory foam pillow. Tesla battery. 498 00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,464 [audience laughs] 499 00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:18,717 He got a joystick. "Zuh! Zuh!" He ain't doing nothing, man. "Zuh!" 500 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,386 He barking. "Zuh, zuh, zuh!" "I'll go. I'll…" "Zuh, zuh!" 501 00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:24,056 -[audience laughs] -'64 Impala hydraulics. 502 00:20:24,139 --> 00:20:26,975 -[audience laughs] -And he was sitting right there. 503 00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:30,479 Roast Zone, paid a premium, wanted some smoke. 504 00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:31,396 [audience laughs] 505 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,148 Nothing worked but his face and two fingers. 506 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,316 His face was locked on me. 507 00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:36,401 He wasn't even blinking as much as he should. 508 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:40,113 He wanted some. I walked out, he was looking at me, eyes juicy. 509 00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:41,281 [scattered laughter] 510 00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:43,867 I looked in his eyes, and I looked at what was going on, 511 00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:46,286 I was like, "Hell no." 512 00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,287 [audience laughs] 513 00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:49,915 "I'm not roasting a paraplegic. I ain't going to hell for nobody." 514 00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:50,916 "I'm sorry." 515 00:20:50,999 --> 00:20:54,586 "Absolutely, I'm not doing it. He gets a pass." So I roasted around him. 516 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:55,837 [scattered laughter] 517 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,840 That way, he can live vicariously through the other roasts. 518 00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:01,301 I moved on. I start working this side of the room. 519 00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:04,388 I'm cooking on this side. He noticed I was done over here. 520 00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:05,806 He took offense to that. 521 00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:08,517 He starts trying to get my attention. 522 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,310 He's like… [slurred] "Nate." 523 00:21:10,394 --> 00:21:12,521 [audience laughing] 524 00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:19,569 [strains shrilly] "Nate!" 525 00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:21,029 [audience laughs] 526 00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:24,366 -[roars] "Nate!" -[audience laughs] 527 00:21:24,449 --> 00:21:26,368 I ignored it. I got a job to do. 528 00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:27,953 [audience laughs] 529 00:21:28,745 --> 00:21:30,414 I ignored it. He started whisper-yelling. 530 00:21:30,497 --> 00:21:33,458 That's when I couldn't focus no more. He broke my attention. He was like… 531 00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:36,086 -[guttural whisper] "Nate…" -[audience laughs] 532 00:21:36,878 --> 00:21:40,257 -[hoarsely] "Nate…" -[audience laughs] 533 00:21:41,425 --> 00:21:43,260 [high-pitched] "N…" 534 00:21:43,343 --> 00:21:45,554 [screeches] "Nate!" 535 00:21:45,637 --> 00:21:47,848 That's the one that got me. I was like, "What?! What?!" 536 00:21:47,931 --> 00:21:48,849 [audience laughs] 537 00:21:48,932 --> 00:21:51,268 "Will you please let me do my show, fam?" 538 00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:55,897 He was like… [slurred] "How come when you roasted everyone 539 00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:58,775 over here… 540 00:21:59,568 --> 00:22:02,487 you didn't get me?" 541 00:22:02,571 --> 00:22:04,948 [audience laughs] 542 00:22:05,032 --> 00:22:07,576 My heart dropped. I was like, "Oh my God." 543 00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:10,495 -[audience laughs] -"This moment is happening." 544 00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:14,332 "This is my worst nightmare, as somebody that fucks with the audience, 545 00:22:14,875 --> 00:22:17,669 he wants some smoke, and I just can't… I can't do it." 546 00:22:17,753 --> 00:22:18,962 [audience laughs] 547 00:22:19,046 --> 00:22:21,715 I looked at him and was like, "Man, life's already on your ass." 548 00:22:21,798 --> 00:22:24,718 -"Just let me… just let me do my show." -[audience laughs] 549 00:22:27,679 --> 00:22:30,724 I looked in his eyes. You could tell… The eyes are of the window to the soul. 550 00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:33,602 They were juicy and jovial. I could tell he was a playful soul. 551 00:22:33,685 --> 00:22:35,896 As soon as I looked at him, he was like… [snickers] 552 00:22:35,979 --> 00:22:36,980 [audience laughs] 553 00:22:37,064 --> 00:22:40,025 Like, he knew this was his moment to act the damn fool. 554 00:22:40,817 --> 00:22:42,986 He was like… [slurred] "Are you sure…" 555 00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:44,738 [audience laughs] 556 00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:47,324 "…it's not because…" 557 00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:48,658 [inhales deeply] 558 00:22:48,742 --> 00:22:50,035 "…you're a bitch?" 559 00:22:50,118 --> 00:22:52,871 [audience laughing] 560 00:22:52,954 --> 00:22:54,831 [chuckles] I said, "Wha…" 561 00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:57,167 "What the fuck is happening right now?" 562 00:22:57,250 --> 00:22:59,378 "I come out here to do my job." 563 00:22:59,461 --> 00:23:01,463 "I give him a pass. Now I'm a bitch?!" 564 00:23:01,546 --> 00:23:04,549 -[audience laughs] -"Okay, Mario Kart, let's get into it." 565 00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:05,550 [audience laughs] 566 00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:09,054 So I called him Mario Kart, and he laughed immediately. 567 00:23:09,137 --> 00:23:11,139 He was like, "Ah-ha!" 568 00:23:11,223 --> 00:23:15,977 He laughed so hard, his tongue came out, somebody put it back in. It was amazing. 569 00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:18,397 Once he laughed, it gave everybody permission to laugh. 570 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:19,856 It was that sweet spot in comedy 571 00:23:19,940 --> 00:23:22,317 where we not laughing at him, we laughing with him. 572 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,570 It's the golden moment in comedy, and it was perfect. 573 00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:28,490 And he was laughing his ass off, and I kept hitting him with jokes. 574 00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:30,909 I'm like, "How'd you get here? On the Rainbow Road?" 575 00:23:30,992 --> 00:23:34,371 ♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-da-da-da-da Da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪ 576 00:23:34,454 --> 00:23:35,789 ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪ 577 00:23:35,872 --> 00:23:38,250 He was like… [slurred] ♪ Duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh ♪ 578 00:23:38,333 --> 00:23:40,377 ♪ Duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh ♪ 579 00:23:40,460 --> 00:23:45,298 And I'm like, "Oh, out of nowhere, a turtle shell strikes you from behind." 580 00:23:46,007 --> 00:23:48,760 He's like, "I can't feel it." It was crazy. 581 00:23:49,344 --> 00:23:51,888 It was a crazy moment, but everybody was laughing. 582 00:23:51,972 --> 00:23:55,809 We were having fun. Out of nowhere, white lady ruins the goddamn moment. 583 00:23:55,892 --> 00:23:58,562 Stands up in the back, she's like, "Absolutely not!" 584 00:23:58,645 --> 00:24:00,522 [audience laughs] 585 00:24:00,605 --> 00:24:03,567 "Who makes fun of a paraplegic?" 586 00:24:03,650 --> 00:24:06,528 -"What the fuck, Nate Jackson?" -[scattered laughter] 587 00:24:06,611 --> 00:24:08,822 Sucked the air out of the room. 588 00:24:09,531 --> 00:24:12,534 Everybody just felt like an asshole piece of shit at the same time. 589 00:24:12,617 --> 00:24:14,077 -[scattered laughter] -Everybody. 590 00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:15,829 It snatched us back to reality. 591 00:24:15,912 --> 00:24:18,832 Everyone that was having fun was like, "Am I laughing at a paraplegic?" 592 00:24:18,915 --> 00:24:20,417 [audience laughs] 593 00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:24,421 Especially me. I called him Mario Kart. I'm like, "I'm for sure going to hell." 594 00:24:24,921 --> 00:24:26,381 It don't matter what I do in life. 595 00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:29,217 I can give back to the community, St. Jude's… 596 00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:32,345 [audience laughing] 597 00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:33,889 I'm a member of Omega Psi Phi. 598 00:24:33,972 --> 00:24:36,600 We give back in blood drives, and all the philanthropies, 599 00:24:36,683 --> 00:24:41,354 and none of that would matter at the entrance to heaven's gates 600 00:24:42,230 --> 00:24:44,608 when I'm like, "What's up with this line? Let your boy in." 601 00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:45,817 [scattered laughter] 602 00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:48,904 They're like, "Before we let you in, we wanna show you a PowerPoint quick." 603 00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:50,197 [audience laughs] 604 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:53,241 I'm like, "A PowerPoint? Of what? All my good deeds?" 605 00:24:53,325 --> 00:24:54,659 [audience chuckles] 606 00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:56,745 "Mario Kart." 607 00:24:56,828 --> 00:24:58,872 [audience laughs] 608 00:24:58,955 --> 00:25:00,457 How y'all get that footage? 609 00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:03,460 "When I died, I brought it. I don't give a fuck." 610 00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:05,253 "When I died, I bought it." 611 00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:07,255 "I brought it. Absolutely not." 612 00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,716 "I need a manager. Who's running this place?" 613 00:25:09,799 --> 00:25:11,676 [scattered laughter and clapping] 614 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,637 It was so quiet in there, man. 615 00:25:15,555 --> 00:25:17,224 Like, you could hear a mouse 616 00:25:18,016 --> 00:25:18,892 bust. 617 00:25:18,975 --> 00:25:20,685 [audience laughs] 618 00:25:22,145 --> 00:25:23,563 It was like… [squeaking] 619 00:25:23,647 --> 00:25:25,524 [audience laughing] 620 00:25:25,607 --> 00:25:26,524 [squeaks] 621 00:25:26,608 --> 00:25:29,069 [all laughing] 622 00:25:29,152 --> 00:25:31,613 [scattered applause and whooping] 623 00:25:33,698 --> 00:25:35,951 [squeaking] 624 00:25:36,993 --> 00:25:39,037 -[squeaks] -[audience laughs] 625 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:42,207 [Nate laughing heartily] 626 00:25:42,290 --> 00:25:43,458 [woman 5 whoops] 627 00:25:44,209 --> 00:25:46,294 [Nate sighs] It's terrible. 628 00:25:47,295 --> 00:25:49,798 Only one person on God's green earth can save a moment like that. 629 00:25:49,881 --> 00:25:54,094 The person that could, did. Wasn't me. It was way over my head. 630 00:25:54,177 --> 00:25:56,513 My man in the wheelchair, he piped up, out of nowhere. 631 00:25:56,596 --> 00:25:58,139 "Shut up, bitch!" 632 00:25:58,223 --> 00:26:01,226 [audience laughs and applauds] 633 00:26:05,605 --> 00:26:07,023 "I paid for this!" 634 00:26:07,107 --> 00:26:08,608 [audience laughs] 635 00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:10,735 Just like that, everybody came back to life. 636 00:26:10,819 --> 00:26:12,862 They were like, "I paid for this! Fuck this bitch!" 637 00:26:12,946 --> 00:26:15,073 The whole crowd, you should've seen, it was like a wave. 638 00:26:15,156 --> 00:26:17,909 It just rushed over the whole crowd. People's joy was back, laughing. 639 00:26:17,993 --> 00:26:21,329 I could see tongues sticking out, like, "Ha-ha-ha!" People were having fun. 640 00:26:21,413 --> 00:26:23,915 The wave went all the way across, back to dude in the wheelchair. 641 00:26:23,999 --> 00:26:25,792 He was like, "Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha!" 642 00:26:25,875 --> 00:26:27,043 "Ah! Ah!" 643 00:26:27,127 --> 00:26:28,795 -"Oh! Oh! Oh!" -[audience laughs] 644 00:26:28,878 --> 00:26:30,505 "I'm really walking!" 645 00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:32,841 "I'm fucking walking! I'm wa…" 646 00:26:32,924 --> 00:26:35,760 -[laughs] -[audience applauds] 647 00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:39,347 -[whooping, whistling] -[scattered applause] 648 00:26:39,431 --> 00:26:40,557 That didn't happen. 649 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,058 [audience laughs] 650 00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:46,021 But it could have. It could've happened. 651 00:26:46,104 --> 00:26:48,857 Laughter heals. Don't block nobody else's blessings. 652 00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:49,983 [man 2] Yeah! 653 00:26:51,026 --> 00:26:53,278 That's the rules, okay? 654 00:26:53,361 --> 00:26:55,530 Now turn on the lights down here. Let me see some people. 655 00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:58,491 And give me my screen so I can cook this whole damn crowd. 656 00:26:58,575 --> 00:27:01,077 [audience cheers and applauds] 657 00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:02,704 Uh-huh. Yeah. 658 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:10,337 Let's go right here. You got a… There's a man with a… with a ponytail. 659 00:27:10,420 --> 00:27:12,047 -[audience chuckles] -It's a man bun. 660 00:27:12,130 --> 00:27:13,381 [Nate] A man bun? 661 00:27:13,465 --> 00:27:14,924 Okay. I'll take that. 662 00:27:15,008 --> 00:27:16,885 Are you Hawaiian, Samoan? 663 00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:18,803 -[man 3] Samoan. -[hoarsely] Sa… 664 00:27:18,887 --> 00:27:20,055 [audience chuckles] 665 00:27:20,138 --> 00:27:23,350 -[mimics Samoan vocalization] -[audience laughs] 666 00:27:24,059 --> 00:27:26,144 I fuck with the Samoans tough. Hell yeah. 667 00:27:26,227 --> 00:27:27,437 So what club do you work at? 668 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:29,814 -[audience laughs] -[man 3 chatters inaudibly] 669 00:27:29,898 --> 00:27:32,567 [chuckles] That's security right there. 670 00:27:33,443 --> 00:27:35,737 You're like, "Let me see your ID. Let me see, fool." 671 00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:37,739 -[audience laughs] -"Chee-hoo." 672 00:27:38,406 --> 00:27:39,616 "Chee-hoo." 673 00:27:39,699 --> 00:27:40,742 "Chee-hoo." 674 00:27:41,534 --> 00:27:43,328 [sternly] "Chee-hoo." 675 00:27:43,953 --> 00:27:44,954 [laughs] 676 00:27:45,038 --> 00:27:47,374 So this your girl you got in the headlock? 677 00:27:47,457 --> 00:27:48,708 Outstanding. 678 00:27:48,792 --> 00:27:50,418 That's my world right there. 679 00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:51,795 That's "your world"? 680 00:27:51,878 --> 00:27:54,756 Back up. That's too much. You're giving her too much. 681 00:27:54,839 --> 00:27:56,966 You giving her… That's how you get your heart broke. 682 00:27:57,050 --> 00:27:59,969 Just give her a couple of continents. Don't gotta give her the whole world. 683 00:28:00,053 --> 00:28:02,764 -[audience laughs] -Goddamn. The whole Earth? 684 00:28:03,848 --> 00:28:04,891 Okay. 685 00:28:04,974 --> 00:28:09,020 Everything about her is what you encompass your love in? 686 00:28:09,104 --> 00:28:11,689 -Oh yeah, definitely. -[Nate] Yeah, you crazy as a motherfucker. 687 00:28:11,773 --> 00:28:13,400 -[audience laughs] -I am. 688 00:28:13,483 --> 00:28:16,986 He's like, "I am. Literally, over her, I'll kill everybody in this motherfucker." 689 00:28:17,070 --> 00:28:19,447 [audience laughing] 690 00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:20,907 [scattered clapping] 691 00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:24,703 So how'd you meet your girl? At a soccer match? 692 00:28:24,786 --> 00:28:27,205 -[audience chuckles] -Actually, at a house party. 693 00:28:27,288 --> 00:28:28,331 Oh, a house party? 694 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,709 So the backyard, pig in the ground? 695 00:28:31,793 --> 00:28:33,253 [audience laughs] 696 00:28:34,754 --> 00:28:36,214 Are you Samoan as well? 697 00:28:36,297 --> 00:28:37,382 Hawaiian. 698 00:28:37,465 --> 00:28:39,467 Um, you got a little bass in your voice. 699 00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:41,386 [audience laughs] 700 00:28:42,262 --> 00:28:44,764 She was like… [in deep voice] "I'm Hawaiian. What's happening?" 701 00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:47,517 "What's up? You like dicks and balls? What's up?" 702 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,436 -[audience laughs] -That's my world. 703 00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:51,271 He said, "That's my world." 704 00:28:51,354 --> 00:28:52,605 [audience laughs] 705 00:28:52,689 --> 00:28:54,232 "And I'll stick beside him." 706 00:28:55,066 --> 00:28:56,401 [laughs] 707 00:28:56,484 --> 00:28:58,570 Goddamn. You sound like the Allstate man. 708 00:28:58,653 --> 00:29:00,655 -[audience chuckles] -[Nate laughs] 709 00:29:00,739 --> 00:29:03,658 -[in deep voice] "Are you in good hands?" -[audience laughs] 710 00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,118 [Nate laughs] 711 00:29:05,869 --> 00:29:07,745 All right, let's move on to this side. 712 00:29:07,829 --> 00:29:10,206 -[man 4] Yeah! -I wanna talk to him real bad. 713 00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:11,666 [audience laughs] 714 00:29:11,750 --> 00:29:13,793 He was like, "Yes, bitch." What the fuck? 715 00:29:13,877 --> 00:29:15,628 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] 716 00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:18,256 He's so gay, I noticed it in 0.2 seconds. 717 00:29:18,339 --> 00:29:19,966 [audience laughs] 718 00:29:20,049 --> 00:29:21,468 What's your name, sugar? 719 00:29:21,551 --> 00:29:23,678 -John. -[Nate] Nice to meet you, John. 720 00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:25,889 So, uh, what do you do for money? 721 00:29:25,972 --> 00:29:27,640 I work at Western State Hospital. 722 00:29:28,224 --> 00:29:31,060 That's where the, uh… where the clinically, the insane… 723 00:29:31,144 --> 00:29:32,812 Do you recognize anybody in here? 724 00:29:32,896 --> 00:29:35,023 [audience laughs] 725 00:29:35,106 --> 00:29:37,567 Huh? You recognize anybody that's nuts up in here? 726 00:29:37,650 --> 00:29:40,528 Is that your… You take that hair off at night or that stays on your head? 727 00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:41,696 It's all mine. 728 00:29:41,780 --> 00:29:42,739 [Nate] That's you? 729 00:29:42,822 --> 00:29:45,533 Okay, 'cause it looks like you can just be like, "Oh, goddamn." 730 00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:48,786 -[audience laughs] -"Whew! That was a long day. Goddamn." 731 00:29:48,870 --> 00:29:51,289 "Oh, we going back out? My bad, my bad, my bad." 732 00:29:51,372 --> 00:29:53,124 -[audience laughs] -"My bad." 733 00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:56,336 [audience whooping, applauding] 734 00:30:03,676 --> 00:30:05,386 What'd you just say to me? 735 00:30:05,470 --> 00:30:06,721 [audience chuckles] 736 00:30:06,804 --> 00:30:10,600 Bitch, you know who you fucking with? I will throw this motherfucker over there. 737 00:30:10,683 --> 00:30:11,601 [audience laughs] 738 00:30:11,684 --> 00:30:13,978 I'm gonna throw this motherfucking bun, bitch. 739 00:30:14,062 --> 00:30:16,272 [laughs] 740 00:30:16,356 --> 00:30:17,524 Outstanding. 741 00:30:17,607 --> 00:30:21,528 All right, so I wanna talk to the Indiana Jones here. 742 00:30:21,611 --> 00:30:23,196 -[man 5] Whoo! -[audience chuckles] 743 00:30:23,279 --> 00:30:25,281 [Nate laughs] 744 00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:28,284 Put him on the screen and brighten it up, man. 745 00:30:28,368 --> 00:30:30,912 -It's too dark. Shit. -[audience laughs] 746 00:30:32,163 --> 00:30:34,916 Y'all set the camera for white people. Brighten it up! 747 00:30:34,999 --> 00:30:36,501 [audience laughs] 748 00:30:36,584 --> 00:30:38,086 Goddamn. More. 749 00:30:38,795 --> 00:30:39,921 More! 750 00:30:40,922 --> 00:30:42,924 More! More! More! 751 00:30:43,007 --> 00:30:45,885 [audience laughing, cheering] 752 00:30:45,969 --> 00:30:48,221 [whistling] 753 00:30:48,304 --> 00:30:49,973 [Nate laughs] 754 00:30:51,933 --> 00:30:54,435 People are like, "I didn't even know he was sitting right there!" 755 00:30:54,519 --> 00:30:55,478 [audience laughs] 756 00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:58,147 [chuckles] How long you been barbecuing with no tools? 757 00:30:58,231 --> 00:30:59,399 [audience laughs] 758 00:30:59,482 --> 00:31:02,110 [Nate laughs] You look like you don't got no spatula. 759 00:31:02,193 --> 00:31:04,779 You just grabbing the meat. "Y'all want one of these patties?" 760 00:31:04,862 --> 00:31:06,906 "One of them! One of these patties. Good." 761 00:31:06,990 --> 00:31:09,158 "Mwah, mwah, mwah. One of these patties. Whoa!" 762 00:31:09,242 --> 00:31:10,994 "And all these hot dogs gotta be rolled." 763 00:31:11,077 --> 00:31:12,203 [trills] "Frrrrrrrr!" 764 00:31:12,287 --> 00:31:15,081 -It's like… "Goddamn, Earl." -[audience laughs] 765 00:31:15,748 --> 00:31:17,625 -I love it. -[Nate laughs] 766 00:31:17,709 --> 00:31:19,878 What's your name, man? You got a great spirit. 767 00:31:19,961 --> 00:31:20,837 Armando. 768 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:21,963 Armando? 769 00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:25,216 Oh, I didn't expect that at all. 770 00:31:25,300 --> 00:31:27,343 [audience laughs] 771 00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:30,346 -He look like a Earl, a Ernest… -[laughter continues] 772 00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:32,265 [chuckles, in dramatic voice] "Armando!" 773 00:31:32,348 --> 00:31:35,310 -What? [laughs] -[audience laughing] 774 00:31:35,393 --> 00:31:37,896 Don't laugh that hard. You're scaring the shit out of me, man. 775 00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:38,897 [audience laughs] 776 00:31:38,980 --> 00:31:40,773 He look like he gonna laugh until a heart pop. 777 00:31:40,857 --> 00:31:42,567 [laughs, grunts] 778 00:31:42,650 --> 00:31:44,402 [audience laughs] 779 00:31:45,236 --> 00:31:46,613 So, Armando, 780 00:31:47,614 --> 00:31:49,115 what do you do for a living? 781 00:31:49,198 --> 00:31:50,450 I make custom iron. 782 00:31:50,533 --> 00:31:51,951 -[Nate] Custom iron? -Yes, sir. 783 00:31:52,035 --> 00:31:54,746 Like to get the wrinkles out your clothes, or like, 784 00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,540 iron like metal? 785 00:31:57,624 --> 00:31:59,626 You know, so those things that bend it. 786 00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:01,586 -What? -Oh yeah. Welds… 787 00:32:01,669 --> 00:32:03,087 We still need that? 788 00:32:03,171 --> 00:32:04,923 -[audience laughs] -Oh yeah. 789 00:32:05,006 --> 00:32:07,300 That's not… There's not a machine doing that yet? 790 00:32:07,383 --> 00:32:08,426 We are the machine. 791 00:32:08,509 --> 00:32:10,386 It's just you in there bending shit? 792 00:32:10,470 --> 00:32:12,388 -[audience laughs] -[inaudible] 793 00:32:14,265 --> 00:32:15,350 Goddamn, Armando. 794 00:32:16,768 --> 00:32:19,646 What have you built that I would be proud of if I saw it? 795 00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:25,360 -[audience laughing, clapping] -[Nate chuckles] 796 00:32:25,443 --> 00:32:27,904 He didn't build no idea. Goddamn! 797 00:32:27,987 --> 00:32:29,781 He was like… [chuckles, fades] 798 00:32:29,864 --> 00:32:32,367 [audience laughs] 799 00:32:32,450 --> 00:32:34,160 "Oh, Lord!" 800 00:32:34,243 --> 00:32:35,495 [audience laughs] 801 00:32:35,578 --> 00:32:37,288 [Nate laughs] 802 00:32:38,956 --> 00:32:40,375 This your queen right here? 803 00:32:40,958 --> 00:32:43,211 I see you got your hand interlocked. 804 00:32:43,294 --> 00:32:45,254 How long y'all been loving like this? 805 00:32:45,838 --> 00:32:48,091 -About two and a half years. -[Nate] Two and a half years? 806 00:32:48,174 --> 00:32:50,885 That's a lot less time than I thought you was gonna say. 807 00:32:50,968 --> 00:32:53,096 -[audience laughs] -[Nate chuckles] 808 00:32:54,013 --> 00:32:55,098 I mean, goddamn! 809 00:32:55,181 --> 00:32:57,725 -[audience laughs] -How'd you meet this young lady, man? 810 00:32:57,809 --> 00:33:01,312 How does an older gentleman like yourself, suave, pull a younger woman like this? 811 00:33:01,396 --> 00:33:02,689 What'd you do, Armando? 812 00:33:02,772 --> 00:33:05,483 -I just said, "Hey, come here." She came. -[audience] Oh! 813 00:33:05,566 --> 00:33:07,652 He said, "I just said, 'Hey, come here!'" 814 00:33:07,735 --> 00:33:09,445 [audience laughs] 815 00:33:09,529 --> 00:33:12,407 [laughs] "I was holding the cage I built." 816 00:33:12,490 --> 00:33:14,492 [audience laughs, applauds] 817 00:33:14,575 --> 00:33:17,995 "She was motivated to come over to me when I had said, 'Come here!'" 818 00:33:18,079 --> 00:33:20,456 -[audience chuckles] -[Nate laughs] 819 00:33:21,249 --> 00:33:22,500 So two and a half years? 820 00:33:22,583 --> 00:33:26,170 And so what was your first date? Like, how did this origin story start? 821 00:33:26,254 --> 00:33:27,422 We met online. 822 00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:28,715 [Nate] You met online? 823 00:33:28,798 --> 00:33:29,799 What app? 824 00:33:29,882 --> 00:33:31,551 [audience chuckles] 825 00:33:31,634 --> 00:33:33,136 SweetBabyRays.com? 826 00:33:33,219 --> 00:33:34,554 [audience laughs] 827 00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:39,767 [Nate laughs heartily] 828 00:33:39,851 --> 00:33:41,352 He like, "That's my cousin!" 829 00:33:41,436 --> 00:33:42,812 [audience laughs] 830 00:33:42,895 --> 00:33:44,647 [Nate laughs] 831 00:33:44,731 --> 00:33:46,232 Your cousin. [chuckles] 832 00:33:47,108 --> 00:33:49,402 [audience laughs] 833 00:33:49,485 --> 00:33:50,903 All right, who else we gon' talk to? 834 00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:54,532 Let's talk to you, sir. You look like you program computers from scratch. 835 00:33:54,615 --> 00:33:56,701 [audience chuckling] 836 00:33:56,784 --> 00:33:58,911 -What do you do for a living? -I'm a butcher. 837 00:33:58,995 --> 00:34:00,163 You're a butcher? 838 00:34:01,748 --> 00:34:04,584 [audience laughs] 839 00:34:04,667 --> 00:34:06,961 Did that strike fear in anybody else's heart? 840 00:34:07,044 --> 00:34:07,962 [audience laughs] 841 00:34:08,045 --> 00:34:10,256 So all day long, you're just cutting up meat? 842 00:34:11,215 --> 00:34:12,925 All right, I'm gonna move on, man. 843 00:34:13,009 --> 00:34:15,261 -[audience laughs] -You know what I'm saying? 844 00:34:15,344 --> 00:34:16,512 [scattered clapping] 845 00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:18,848 That's not who I'm trying to see in the alley. 846 00:34:18,931 --> 00:34:21,267 -[audience chuckles] -"You talking shit, fool." 847 00:34:22,185 --> 00:34:26,272 "Thum, thum, thum, thum." 848 00:34:26,355 --> 00:34:28,316 "Are you sharpening a knife?" "Yeah." 849 00:34:28,399 --> 00:34:30,777 -[audience chuckles] -"My favorite one." 850 00:34:30,860 --> 00:34:33,112 -[audience laughs] -[Nate chuckles] 851 00:34:33,196 --> 00:34:34,447 So do you eat meat? 852 00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:36,074 Yeah. 853 00:34:36,157 --> 00:34:38,701 [chuckles] He was like, "Yeah. Hell yeah!" 854 00:34:38,785 --> 00:34:40,953 [audience laughs] 855 00:34:41,037 --> 00:34:42,705 Are these your people right here? 856 00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:44,665 Yeah? How far does it go? 857 00:34:45,374 --> 00:34:46,459 The whole row? 858 00:34:47,293 --> 00:34:49,087 What are y'all? Is that Mexicans? 859 00:34:49,170 --> 00:34:50,630 [audience chuckles] 860 00:34:50,713 --> 00:34:52,965 Oh, okay. I saw y'all van out there. 861 00:34:53,049 --> 00:34:55,009 [audience laughs] 862 00:34:55,092 --> 00:34:57,678 [chuckles] All of them was in one van. 863 00:34:57,762 --> 00:34:58,763 [audience chuckles] 864 00:34:58,846 --> 00:35:00,640 ♪ Fa, fa, fa, fa, da, da, da! ♪ 865 00:35:00,723 --> 00:35:02,683 [audience laughs, applauds] 866 00:35:02,767 --> 00:35:05,394 What's up with the big one in the middle? How you doing? 867 00:35:05,895 --> 00:35:08,189 I see you pulled your little curl down. 868 00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:12,902 -[Nate laughs] -[audience laughs, applauds] 869 00:35:12,985 --> 00:35:14,529 [whooping, whistling] 870 00:35:14,612 --> 00:35:16,197 Let it happen. Let it live. 871 00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,284 Pull the curl down, baby. This is Netflix, man. Get your shine on. 872 00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:22,703 [audience cheering] 873 00:35:22,787 --> 00:35:23,830 Hell yeah. 874 00:35:24,664 --> 00:35:27,458 You look like Bruno Mars if he had a bad thyroid gland. 875 00:35:27,542 --> 00:35:28,918 [audience laughs] 876 00:35:29,001 --> 00:35:30,461 [laughs] 877 00:35:30,545 --> 00:35:33,339 ♪ Fellas, put your steaks in the air! ♪ 878 00:35:33,422 --> 00:35:36,008 [all laughing] 879 00:35:36,092 --> 00:35:37,051 What's your name, man? 880 00:35:37,134 --> 00:35:37,969 José. 881 00:35:38,052 --> 00:35:39,637 [Nate] José? No way. 882 00:35:39,720 --> 00:35:42,056 [audience laughing] 883 00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:43,266 [man 6] There's two! 884 00:35:44,976 --> 00:35:47,770 You telling me there's another José on the same line? 885 00:35:48,646 --> 00:35:50,523 Raise your hand if your name's José. 886 00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:52,942 So you're José and he's José? 887 00:35:53,025 --> 00:35:54,068 Holy shit. 888 00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:55,653 You're… you're Mexican too? 889 00:35:56,195 --> 00:35:58,489 Okay. You're a different kind of Mexican than them. 890 00:35:58,573 --> 00:36:00,449 -[audience chuckles] -No, we're the same. 891 00:36:00,533 --> 00:36:02,952 You… you, uh, Michoacán? Michoacán? 892 00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:06,831 Yeah, I know the Mexicans. I'm not up here 'cause I'm stupid. 893 00:36:06,914 --> 00:36:08,374 [audience laughs] 894 00:36:08,457 --> 00:36:10,585 [chuckles] He has Michoacán facial features. 895 00:36:10,668 --> 00:36:12,753 I know what I'm talking about. He got dimples. 896 00:36:12,837 --> 00:36:15,464 You're something else. You look like the Cleveland Indian logo. 897 00:36:15,548 --> 00:36:17,091 You, you look like his lawyer. 898 00:36:17,174 --> 00:36:18,634 [audience laughs] 899 00:36:20,261 --> 00:36:21,220 Yeah. 900 00:36:22,305 --> 00:36:25,933 Hold on. Ma'am, could you move your big-ass head so we can see him? 901 00:36:26,017 --> 00:36:27,602 [audience laughs] 902 00:36:27,685 --> 00:36:28,686 Goddamn. She like… 903 00:36:29,270 --> 00:36:31,564 [audience laughing] 904 00:36:33,566 --> 00:36:35,443 "I'm on TV as well!" 905 00:36:35,526 --> 00:36:37,570 [audience laughs] 906 00:36:37,653 --> 00:36:41,073 [chuckles] So what do you do for a living, uh, little José? 907 00:36:41,157 --> 00:36:42,992 [audience laughs] 908 00:36:45,369 --> 00:36:47,663 -I work from home. -[Nate] You work from home? 909 00:36:47,747 --> 00:36:49,457 Okay, not to be racist… 910 00:36:49,540 --> 00:36:50,875 [audience chuckles] 911 00:36:50,958 --> 00:36:52,960 …but I've never heard a Mexican say that. 912 00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:54,545 [audience laughs] 913 00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:56,672 [chuckles] Ever. 914 00:36:57,340 --> 00:36:59,842 From home? Crazy. 915 00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:02,386 On homes? Yes. 916 00:37:02,470 --> 00:37:03,679 [audience laughs] 917 00:37:03,763 --> 00:37:05,598 [Nate laughs] 918 00:37:07,391 --> 00:37:10,519 You never heard a Mexican say he works from home. No disrespect. 919 00:37:11,103 --> 00:37:13,940 La raza, my friend, but… That's crazy. 920 00:37:14,607 --> 00:37:15,858 What do you do from home? 921 00:37:15,942 --> 00:37:17,443 I'm a manager. 922 00:37:18,027 --> 00:37:19,987 [Nate] You're a manager from home? 923 00:37:20,071 --> 00:37:21,530 [audience laughing] 924 00:37:23,658 --> 00:37:24,575 José. 925 00:37:25,076 --> 00:37:26,035 Medium José. 926 00:37:26,118 --> 00:37:27,578 [audience laughs] 927 00:37:27,662 --> 00:37:30,164 Is he making this shit up or is this real? 928 00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:33,292 You're a manager from home? What do you manage? 929 00:37:33,376 --> 00:37:34,418 Payment service. 930 00:37:34,502 --> 00:37:35,878 [Nate] Payment service? 931 00:37:35,962 --> 00:37:38,005 They got bill collectors for weed? 932 00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:41,175 -[audience laughs] -[Nate chuckles] 933 00:37:42,301 --> 00:37:45,846 [chuckles] You're like, "Uh, you had an ounce, fool. Uh…" 934 00:37:45,930 --> 00:37:48,224 [audience laughs] 935 00:37:48,307 --> 00:37:50,726 "When are you bringing it back?" "Bring it back?" 936 00:37:51,227 --> 00:37:53,938 [chuckles] "I smoked that shit, baby. It's in the air." 937 00:37:54,647 --> 00:37:56,440 He's like, "No way, José." 938 00:37:56,524 --> 00:37:59,443 [audience laughs] 939 00:37:59,527 --> 00:38:00,528 [Nate] Wow. 940 00:38:01,737 --> 00:38:04,490 And what about you, Medium José? Is this your girl right here? 941 00:38:04,573 --> 00:38:05,741 Oh my God. 942 00:38:05,825 --> 00:38:08,035 [audience chuckling] 943 00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:10,204 Ma'am, are you safe? I just feel like… 944 00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:12,164 [audience laughs] 945 00:38:12,248 --> 00:38:13,457 [Nate chuckles] 946 00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:15,167 That's a lot of meat, huh? 947 00:38:15,251 --> 00:38:17,086 [audience chuckles] 948 00:38:17,169 --> 00:38:18,045 Hell yeah. 949 00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:20,923 Y'all look good together. How did y'all meet, fall in love? 950 00:38:21,007 --> 00:38:23,217 It was my sister's friend. 951 00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:24,427 Your sister's friend? 952 00:38:25,011 --> 00:38:25,845 Uh-oh. 953 00:38:25,928 --> 00:38:26,887 [audience chuckles] 954 00:38:26,971 --> 00:38:29,181 So you just went over there? You just walked up, like… 955 00:38:29,265 --> 00:38:36,147 -[mimics pounding footsteps] -[audience laughs] 956 00:38:37,106 --> 00:38:38,316 Yo quiero Modelo. 957 00:38:38,399 --> 00:38:40,484 -[audience laughs] -[Nate chuckles] 958 00:38:40,568 --> 00:38:43,487 She's like… [in high voice] "I like 'em big. How you doing?" 959 00:38:43,571 --> 00:38:46,157 "Oh my God, papi. Wow. Look at your curl." 960 00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:47,616 [audience laughs] 961 00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:49,285 "Oh my God." 962 00:38:50,578 --> 00:38:53,706 Y'all look like y'all in love, though. Y'all got good spirits, I can tell. 963 00:38:53,789 --> 00:38:58,210 How much you like her, scale from one to 6,804? 964 00:38:58,294 --> 00:38:59,670 Infinite. 965 00:38:59,754 --> 00:39:01,422 -[Nate] Huh? -She's my world. 966 00:39:01,505 --> 00:39:04,258 [audience laughing, applauding] 967 00:39:04,342 --> 00:39:06,427 [whistling, cheering] 968 00:39:12,391 --> 00:39:13,267 Touché. 969 00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:15,019 [audience laughs] 970 00:39:15,603 --> 00:39:17,605 And then I just wanted to talk to you guys 971 00:39:17,688 --> 00:39:20,941 because, um, you look just like, you know, like… 972 00:39:21,025 --> 00:39:22,902 -[woman 6] Aw! -[audience chuckles] 973 00:39:23,611 --> 00:39:26,947 [Nate] You look like you know where everybody lives in the neighborhood. 974 00:39:27,031 --> 00:39:28,407 [audience laughs] 975 00:39:32,453 --> 00:39:34,538 "The Jenkins got a new lawnmower!" 976 00:39:34,622 --> 00:39:37,083 [audience laughs, applauds] 977 00:39:38,542 --> 00:39:40,252 That's the face you have, ma'am. 978 00:39:41,879 --> 00:39:43,297 What do you do for a living? 979 00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:44,757 I'm a high school teacher. 980 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:46,258 -[Nate] High school teacher? -Yeah. 981 00:39:46,342 --> 00:39:48,511 -Which grade? -[woman 7] Uh, seniors. 982 00:39:48,594 --> 00:39:50,679 [Nate] And then what do you? Are you a PE teacher? 983 00:39:50,763 --> 00:39:52,932 [audience laughs] 984 00:39:53,015 --> 00:39:55,476 You look like it. "Just run another lap, Jackson!" 985 00:39:55,559 --> 00:39:57,978 -[audience laughs] -You know what I'm saying? 986 00:39:58,062 --> 00:39:59,980 -You're a what? -Industrial mechanic. 987 00:40:00,064 --> 00:40:01,107 -[Nate] What? -Yeah. 988 00:40:01,190 --> 00:40:02,566 Give me $300. 989 00:40:02,650 --> 00:40:04,944 [audience laughs] 990 00:40:05,027 --> 00:40:06,821 What do you work on? What industry? 991 00:40:06,904 --> 00:40:08,572 Apple-packing equipment. 992 00:40:08,656 --> 00:40:09,698 Apple packing? 993 00:40:10,574 --> 00:40:12,618 So you work with the row behind you? 994 00:40:13,202 --> 00:40:15,371 [audience laughing] 995 00:40:18,290 --> 00:40:22,044 [clapping, cheering] 996 00:40:22,128 --> 00:40:23,462 [Nate laughs] 997 00:40:27,383 --> 00:40:30,761 All the Mexicans clap, like, "Yeah, that was funny. That was funny." 998 00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:33,472 Everybody but you. You're like, "What the fuck, fool? What the fuck?" 999 00:40:34,223 --> 00:40:35,975 "I actually pick apples. What the fuck?" 1000 00:40:36,058 --> 00:40:37,184 [audience chuckles] 1001 00:40:37,268 --> 00:40:38,769 Um, how did y'all meet? 1002 00:40:38,853 --> 00:40:42,648 Like, how did just two healthy, older white people get together? 1003 00:40:42,731 --> 00:40:44,358 [audience laughs] 1004 00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:45,776 I knocked on his door. 1005 00:40:45,860 --> 00:40:47,570 -You knocked on his door? -Yeah. 1006 00:40:48,195 --> 00:40:49,947 [audience chuckling] 1007 00:40:51,699 --> 00:40:53,367 I was with my boyfriend. 1008 00:40:53,951 --> 00:40:56,245 -Oh, this is getting good. Hold on. -[audience laughs] 1009 00:40:56,328 --> 00:40:59,832 [chuckles] I'm gonna explain. Don't worry. I got you. 1010 00:40:59,915 --> 00:41:00,958 [audience laughs] 1011 00:41:01,041 --> 00:41:03,210 She said, "I knocked on his door. He-he." 1012 00:41:03,294 --> 00:41:04,462 [audience laughs] 1013 00:41:04,545 --> 00:41:06,672 Then she went, "I was with my boyfriend." 1014 00:41:06,755 --> 00:41:09,467 [audience] Whoa! 1015 00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:11,260 And that's when I scoot up. 1016 00:41:11,343 --> 00:41:13,179 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] 1017 00:41:13,262 --> 00:41:15,931 So you were with your boyfriend and knocked on his door? 1018 00:41:16,015 --> 00:41:17,141 Yeah. 1019 00:41:17,224 --> 00:41:20,603 -[Nate] Explain. -So we were… It was a barbecue. 1020 00:41:20,686 --> 00:41:22,771 How do you go from a barbecue to knocking on his door? 1021 00:41:22,855 --> 00:41:23,981 This is very interesting. 1022 00:41:24,064 --> 00:41:26,275 -My boyfriend… -[Nate] Yeah? 1023 00:41:26,358 --> 00:41:28,235 Friends with benefits, I should say. 1024 00:41:28,319 --> 00:41:31,405 -[audience] Oh! -[Nate exclaims exaggeratedly] 1025 00:41:32,031 --> 00:41:34,325 [audience] Fuck! 1026 00:41:34,408 --> 00:41:38,120 She's like, "My boyfriend, or friends with benefits, I should say." 1027 00:41:38,204 --> 00:41:39,747 Freaky-ass lady! 1028 00:41:39,830 --> 00:41:43,125 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] She look hella innocent! 1029 00:41:43,209 --> 00:41:45,294 She's like, "Anybody want some vagina?" 1030 00:41:45,377 --> 00:41:47,671 [audience laughs] 1031 00:41:47,755 --> 00:41:49,548 [Nate chuckles] 1032 00:41:49,632 --> 00:41:51,175 "Gather round, seniors!" 1033 00:41:51,258 --> 00:41:54,261 [audience laughs, groans] 1034 00:41:54,345 --> 00:41:56,722 They're of age. They are of age. 1035 00:41:56,805 --> 00:41:59,558 -[audience laughing] -[Nate chuckles] 1036 00:41:59,642 --> 00:42:00,726 "I saw you." 1037 00:42:00,809 --> 00:42:01,894 [audience laughs] 1038 00:42:01,977 --> 00:42:03,520 Okay, so you and your… 1039 00:42:03,604 --> 00:42:06,774 you and your fuck buddy went over to his house 1040 00:42:06,857 --> 00:42:08,400 and knocked on the door, for what? 1041 00:42:08,484 --> 00:42:09,652 The barbecue. His barbecue. 1042 00:42:09,735 --> 00:42:11,362 -[Nate] It was your barbecue. -My barbecue. 1043 00:42:11,445 --> 00:42:14,865 Okay. And then he just… you just took her? 1044 00:42:14,949 --> 00:42:16,200 [audience laughs] 1045 00:42:16,283 --> 00:42:17,451 Pretty much. 1046 00:42:17,535 --> 00:42:20,162 At the door, you were like, "Only her, fool. You stay back." 1047 00:42:20,246 --> 00:42:21,914 [audience laughs] 1048 00:42:21,997 --> 00:42:25,251 Or did you, like, holler at her all through, like, the barbecue? 1049 00:42:25,334 --> 00:42:26,293 Were you like, "Look, 1050 00:42:26,377 --> 00:42:28,754 all the potato salad's gone, but I saved you a scoop"? 1051 00:42:28,837 --> 00:42:30,089 [audience laughs] 1052 00:42:30,172 --> 00:42:33,300 So… so you stopped talking to your fuck buddy 1053 00:42:34,301 --> 00:42:36,303 and went back over to this house again? 1054 00:42:37,304 --> 00:42:39,640 You're like, "You say you have more meat. Where is it at?" 1055 00:42:39,723 --> 00:42:41,517 [audience laughs] 1056 00:42:41,600 --> 00:42:43,602 [Nate chuckles] 1057 00:42:43,686 --> 00:42:45,354 So how long y'all been together? 1058 00:42:45,437 --> 00:42:47,356 Twenty-nine years. 1059 00:42:47,439 --> 00:42:48,691 Twenty-nine years! 1060 00:42:48,774 --> 00:42:50,985 [audience cheers, applauds] 1061 00:42:51,068 --> 00:42:52,236 That's beautiful. 1062 00:42:53,237 --> 00:42:55,489 That's a perfect example. 1063 00:42:55,573 --> 00:42:57,199 They found real love. 1064 00:42:57,783 --> 00:43:00,327 Started from some bullshit. 1065 00:43:00,411 --> 00:43:01,829 [audience laughs] 1066 00:43:02,746 --> 00:43:04,957 All the single women, you need to take notes. 1067 00:43:05,499 --> 00:43:08,168 You're out here, living life like a cactus. 1068 00:43:08,252 --> 00:43:09,461 [audience chuckles] 1069 00:43:09,545 --> 00:43:11,672 You're dry, nobody can get on. 1070 00:43:11,755 --> 00:43:13,090 [audience chuckles] 1071 00:43:13,173 --> 00:43:14,925 Sometimes you just gotta go knock on the door 1072 00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:17,636 and get dicked down by the man with the barbecue spatula in his hand. 1073 00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:18,846 [audience laughs] 1074 00:43:18,929 --> 00:43:20,931 Now where the single ladies at? Say, "Ow!" 1075 00:43:21,015 --> 00:43:22,641 [women] Ow! 1076 00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:25,227 That explains why you guys were looking around. 1077 00:43:25,311 --> 00:43:26,937 Single fellas say, "Yeah!" 1078 00:43:27,021 --> 00:43:28,772 [men, scattered] Yeah! 1079 00:43:28,856 --> 00:43:30,232 [audience laughs] 1080 00:43:30,316 --> 00:43:31,442 Who was that? 1081 00:43:32,318 --> 00:43:35,654 Oh, that was you? You look handsome. How come you don't got nobody? 1082 00:43:36,363 --> 00:43:37,615 What's wrong with you? 1083 00:43:37,698 --> 00:43:39,742 [audience chuckles] 1084 00:43:39,825 --> 00:43:41,076 What's your name? Chad? 1085 00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:41,994 Jake. 1086 00:43:42,077 --> 00:43:44,788 And what do you do for, uh, State Farm? 1087 00:43:44,872 --> 00:43:46,540 [audience laughs] 1088 00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:48,125 I fish in Alaska. 1089 00:43:48,208 --> 00:43:50,044 [Nate] You fish in Alaska? 1090 00:43:51,003 --> 00:43:52,296 Do you want me to hook you up? 1091 00:43:52,379 --> 00:43:54,590 -Go ahead. -[Nate] What you mean, "go ahead"? 1092 00:43:54,673 --> 00:43:56,300 [audience laughs] 1093 00:43:56,383 --> 00:43:58,677 I need you to be like, "Yes, please, sir." 1094 00:43:59,345 --> 00:44:02,681 And you're like, "I don't give a fuck. I'll fuck somebody." Like, what the fuck? 1095 00:44:02,765 --> 00:44:04,808 You come in here, looking like a big-ass mini-me. 1096 00:44:04,892 --> 00:44:06,101 I'm trying to help you. 1097 00:44:06,185 --> 00:44:08,020 [audience laughs] 1098 00:44:08,103 --> 00:44:10,397 Lookin' like Stone Warm Steve Austin. 1099 00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:13,484 [audience laughing] 1100 00:44:17,071 --> 00:44:18,072 What the fuck? 1101 00:44:19,448 --> 00:44:22,618 Fuck it. I'm not… You know what? You're just gonna be on your own tonight. 1102 00:44:22,701 --> 00:44:23,744 [audience laughs] 1103 00:44:23,827 --> 00:44:26,163 You wanna meet somebody? Go to a barbecue. 1104 00:44:26,246 --> 00:44:28,791 [audience laughing] 1105 00:44:28,874 --> 00:44:31,335 All right, Jake ain't got no bitches. Let's move on. 1106 00:44:31,418 --> 00:44:33,420 -[audience laughs] -No bitches. 1107 00:44:33,504 --> 00:44:35,756 I believe in love. That's what I'm trying to get at here. 1108 00:44:35,839 --> 00:44:36,674 I believe in love. 1109 00:44:36,757 --> 00:44:38,884 I think that message needs to be out in the world. 1110 00:44:38,967 --> 00:44:43,555 There's a lot of stuff being torn up, but love is strong. I believe in love. 1111 00:44:43,639 --> 00:44:45,557 -[audience cheers] -I really do. 1112 00:44:45,641 --> 00:44:49,728 Matter of fact, if you with your person, look 'em in the face and say "I love you." 1113 00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:53,190 [audience chattering] 1114 00:44:53,273 --> 00:44:55,526 [Nate] Oh, that's beautiful. I like that one. 1115 00:44:55,609 --> 00:44:59,905 Listen, if you got somebody, stay, even if it's on the rocks a little bit. 1116 00:44:59,988 --> 00:45:01,323 [audience chuckles] 1117 00:45:01,990 --> 00:45:05,077 Relationships don't be perfect. That's not real. It's ups and downs. 1118 00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:07,746 You ask anybody been together long and they go through shit. 1119 00:45:07,830 --> 00:45:10,416 You think she wants him picking apples all day with Mexicans? 1120 00:45:10,499 --> 00:45:12,835 [audience laughs] 1121 00:45:13,919 --> 00:45:15,712 It's ebbs and it's flows. 1122 00:45:16,505 --> 00:45:18,549 I'm just saying, if it ain't good, just stay. 1123 00:45:18,632 --> 00:45:19,967 Fellas, stay with your girl, man. 1124 00:45:20,050 --> 00:45:23,637 Even if, every night you go to bed, she hits you in the side of your head. 1125 00:45:23,721 --> 00:45:24,763 [audience laughs] 1126 00:45:24,847 --> 00:45:26,723 Every night, like, "I'm gonna call it a night." 1127 00:45:26,807 --> 00:45:28,058 She be like, "Come here." 1128 00:45:28,142 --> 00:45:29,226 [audience laughs] 1129 00:45:29,309 --> 00:45:30,394 It's like… 1130 00:45:31,603 --> 00:45:34,022 [whines] "Why you always hittin' me?" 1131 00:45:34,106 --> 00:45:37,401 Stay. It's better than what's out here in these streets. I promise you. 1132 00:45:37,484 --> 00:45:39,987 Ain't shit out here but tumbleweeds and whores. 1133 00:45:40,070 --> 00:45:41,697 [audience laughs, whistles] 1134 00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:44,783 Tumbleweeds and whores! 1135 00:45:44,867 --> 00:45:47,286 And when's the last time you saw a tumbleweed? 1136 00:45:47,369 --> 00:45:49,079 [audience laughs] 1137 00:45:49,163 --> 00:45:51,623 It's all whores. 1138 00:45:51,707 --> 00:45:54,001 [audience laughing] 1139 00:45:56,170 --> 00:45:59,882 Dating is trash. Everybody lying. I've been catfished two times. 1140 00:45:59,965 --> 00:46:01,091 [audience laughs] 1141 00:46:01,175 --> 00:46:03,510 Worst catfish I ever heard of in my life wasn't even me, 1142 00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:05,262 and I wanna share this with y'all 1143 00:46:05,345 --> 00:46:07,097 because this shit is crazy. 1144 00:46:07,181 --> 00:46:09,266 It's my homegirl. She got catfished. 1145 00:46:09,349 --> 00:46:13,061 She fell in love on Plenty of Fish, which is crazy by itself. 1146 00:46:13,145 --> 00:46:15,189 [audience laughs] 1147 00:46:15,272 --> 00:46:16,607 But she fell in love. 1148 00:46:16,690 --> 00:46:20,736 And I'm talking, like, talk on the phone for four days straight, 1149 00:46:20,819 --> 00:46:21,695 one call. 1150 00:46:21,779 --> 00:46:22,905 [audience laughs] 1151 00:46:22,988 --> 00:46:24,948 Phone plugged in. It's still dying. 1152 00:46:25,032 --> 00:46:26,700 [audience chuckles] 1153 00:46:26,783 --> 00:46:29,870 I bumped into her on the fifth day. I'm like, "Where the hell you been?" 1154 00:46:29,953 --> 00:46:32,956 She's like, "I met the man of my dreams on Plenty of Fish. I love him so much." 1155 00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:36,543 "And we're gonna go on a date. He planned it. We're gonna go on a hike." 1156 00:46:36,627 --> 00:46:38,086 I was like, "Um…" 1157 00:46:38,170 --> 00:46:40,422 [scattered laughter] 1158 00:46:40,506 --> 00:46:44,134 "…so you about to go somewhere where can't nobody hear you scream 1159 00:46:45,427 --> 00:46:47,638 with somebody you met on the Internet?" 1160 00:46:47,721 --> 00:46:49,223 [scattered chuckling] 1161 00:46:49,306 --> 00:46:50,849 "That's the first part of the date." 1162 00:46:50,933 --> 00:46:52,684 "The second part, if we're vibing on the hike, 1163 00:46:52,768 --> 00:46:55,229 we're going back to his place, and we're gonna kick it." 1164 00:46:55,312 --> 00:46:56,605 I was like, "Wow!" 1165 00:46:56,688 --> 00:46:57,898 [audience chuckles] 1166 00:46:57,981 --> 00:47:01,026 Now, listen, ladies, I don't mind if you wanna have sex on your first date. 1167 00:47:01,109 --> 00:47:03,320 Please do. Right? Just knock on the door. 1168 00:47:03,403 --> 00:47:06,073 [audience laughing, clapping] 1169 00:47:08,367 --> 00:47:10,828 Interrupt the barbecue. "Who wants some pussy?" 1170 00:47:10,911 --> 00:47:13,539 -[audience laughs] -[Nate chuckles] 1171 00:47:13,622 --> 00:47:14,790 Do it. 1172 00:47:14,873 --> 00:47:17,000 My issue is going on a hike and then fucking. 1173 00:47:17,084 --> 00:47:19,503 I'm like, "Who wants that pussy? That's crazy." 1174 00:47:19,586 --> 00:47:21,296 [laughs] You know what I'm saying? 1175 00:47:21,380 --> 00:47:24,550 Who prefers a pussy with 4,000 steps on it? That's… 1176 00:47:24,633 --> 00:47:26,093 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] 1177 00:47:26,176 --> 00:47:29,638 Your knees swollen. She's inflamed. There's a pine needle in there. 1178 00:47:29,721 --> 00:47:31,723 I don't want just-hiked pussy, please. 1179 00:47:31,807 --> 00:47:35,602 I prefer just-out-the-tub, uh, wet footsteps. 1180 00:47:35,686 --> 00:47:37,521 [audience laughs] 1181 00:47:37,604 --> 00:47:39,273 You know? That's my preference. 1182 00:47:39,356 --> 00:47:40,524 [audience laughs] 1183 00:47:40,607 --> 00:47:43,527 So I asked her after, I seen her after, I said, "How was the date?" 1184 00:47:43,610 --> 00:47:45,737 She said, "It was… it was fucking terrible." 1185 00:47:45,821 --> 00:47:48,532 -[audience laughs] -I'm like, "What happened?" 1186 00:47:48,615 --> 00:47:50,701 She's like, "Yeah, I got over there, 1187 00:47:50,784 --> 00:47:52,452 and he didn't have no legs." 1188 00:47:53,036 --> 00:47:55,330 [audience laughs] 1189 00:47:56,164 --> 00:47:57,708 I said, "What the fuck?" 1190 00:47:57,791 --> 00:47:59,126 [audience laughs] 1191 00:47:59,209 --> 00:48:02,129 You know, I'm like, "He ain't have no legs? None?" 1192 00:48:02,212 --> 00:48:04,423 I said it like you could have a little bit of legs. 1193 00:48:04,506 --> 00:48:05,465 [audience laughs] 1194 00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:08,635 She's like, "Yes, none, Nate! No legs at all!" Now she mad. 1195 00:48:08,719 --> 00:48:10,971 "I get over there. This motherfucker a chicken nugget." 1196 00:48:11,054 --> 00:48:12,055 I said, "Whoa!" 1197 00:48:12,139 --> 00:48:14,224 -"Wait. You can't say that." -[audience laughs] 1198 00:48:14,308 --> 00:48:17,477 "You can't… you cannot call somebody with no legs a chicken nugget." 1199 00:48:17,561 --> 00:48:19,396 She's like, "Fuck that. I'm a grown woman." 1200 00:48:19,479 --> 00:48:22,774 "I want a man that can stand up for me." I was like, "That's crazy." 1201 00:48:22,858 --> 00:48:24,693 -[audience laughs] -[Nate chuckles] 1202 00:48:24,776 --> 00:48:26,612 "I deserve a man that can stand up for me." 1203 00:48:26,695 --> 00:48:29,156 "Get there, he's a boneless chicken wing. I can't believe it." 1204 00:48:29,239 --> 00:48:31,325 "I was like, 'a boneless wing?'" 1205 00:48:31,408 --> 00:48:34,119 "How we gonna go on a hike anyway, huh? In a shopping cart?" 1206 00:48:34,202 --> 00:48:36,455 "I'm gonna just push him around a whole mountain trail." 1207 00:48:36,538 --> 00:48:38,582 "I get a mountain bike, put him in the basket, 1208 00:48:38,665 --> 00:48:39,875 I'm peddling my ass off, 1209 00:48:39,958 --> 00:48:42,669 he pointing at the moon, talking about he wanna phone home." 1210 00:48:42,753 --> 00:48:44,963 "I don't understand, Nate. I'm a good woman." 1211 00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:47,341 I was like, "I am so sorry. I am so sorry." 1212 00:48:47,424 --> 00:48:51,678 But I gotta be honest, once she said he didn't have no legs, all I heard was, 1213 00:48:51,762 --> 00:48:53,931 "Wah-wah-wah, w-w-wah-wah-wah." 1214 00:48:54,014 --> 00:48:54,890 [chuckles] 1215 00:48:54,973 --> 00:48:56,892 Straight Charlie Brown teacher mode. 1216 00:48:57,726 --> 00:49:01,355 'Cause every man in the history of men, 1217 00:49:01,438 --> 00:49:04,900 once you hear somebody ain't got no legs, you got one burning question. 1218 00:49:04,983 --> 00:49:07,486 And, fellas, be honest, if you were just with your homeboys, 1219 00:49:07,569 --> 00:49:08,862 no girls around, 1220 00:49:08,946 --> 00:49:10,572 y'all gonna be like, "Okay." 1221 00:49:10,656 --> 00:49:12,491 [scattered expectant chuckling] 1222 00:49:13,533 --> 00:49:14,493 "But, um…" 1223 00:49:14,576 --> 00:49:17,871 [audience laughing] 1224 00:49:20,457 --> 00:49:21,416 "…did you fuck?" 1225 00:49:21,500 --> 00:49:24,878 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] That's all we wanna know! 1226 00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:25,837 Shit. 1227 00:49:26,755 --> 00:49:29,049 Fuck legs. I wanna know, "Did you hit that?" 1228 00:49:29,132 --> 00:49:30,384 [audience chuckling] 1229 00:49:30,467 --> 00:49:33,971 She was like, "Absolutely not, and nothing to do with the legs. He was a liar." 1230 00:49:34,054 --> 00:49:35,305 [audience laughs] 1231 00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:38,433 "Had he been honest to me about the legs, maybe, but it was the lies for me." 1232 00:49:38,517 --> 00:49:40,894 -I was like, "You are a liar!" -[audience laughs] 1233 00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:44,398 "It was the legs! You want a man that can do a jumping jack. Be honest." 1234 00:49:44,481 --> 00:49:45,607 [audience chuckles] 1235 00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:49,653 And it's his fault. It's his fault. I've thought about this at great lengths. 1236 00:49:49,736 --> 00:49:52,864 I don't smoke weed, but these are things I think about late at night. 1237 00:49:52,948 --> 00:49:55,075 [audience chuckles] 1238 00:49:55,742 --> 00:49:57,536 If something happened and I didn't have legs, 1239 00:49:57,619 --> 00:50:01,540 I do believe I could get some pussy before women realize I ain't got no legs. 1240 00:50:01,623 --> 00:50:03,750 [audience laughs] 1241 00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:05,919 [chuckles] Look at you, like, "How the fuck?" 1242 00:50:06,002 --> 00:50:08,422 -I've thought about this. -[audience laughs] 1243 00:50:08,505 --> 00:50:10,549 You come to my house, I'm in a bubble bath. 1244 00:50:10,632 --> 00:50:13,593 [audience laughing, clapping] 1245 00:50:14,886 --> 00:50:17,848 It's hella bubbles. You gonna imagine legs are under there. 1246 00:50:17,931 --> 00:50:20,434 It's not. There's no legs in there. It's dick and deceit. 1247 00:50:20,517 --> 00:50:24,062 "Get in the water, bitch. The water is fine. Get in the water." 1248 00:50:24,146 --> 00:50:25,522 [scattered chuckling] 1249 00:50:25,605 --> 00:50:26,648 [Nate chuckles] 1250 00:50:29,026 --> 00:50:30,235 I think I could do it. 1251 00:50:30,777 --> 00:50:33,572 She didn't do it, though. And I'm like, "Why are you like that?" 1252 00:50:33,655 --> 00:50:37,576 "Like, you shorted yourself a wonderful core memory, you know?" 1253 00:50:37,659 --> 00:50:39,453 [scattered laughter] 1254 00:50:39,536 --> 00:50:40,829 [chuckles] 1255 00:50:40,912 --> 00:50:42,330 Life is what you've been through. 1256 00:50:42,414 --> 00:50:45,667 Like, she could have turnt up and been like, "one time at band camp," 1257 00:50:45,751 --> 00:50:46,668 but she didn't. 1258 00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:47,878 [audience laughs] 1259 00:50:47,961 --> 00:50:50,255 She thinks she's better than us, and that's terrible. 1260 00:50:50,338 --> 00:50:51,590 Let me tell you about me. 1261 00:50:51,673 --> 00:50:54,259 You may not know this, but, uh, if I get dressed up, 1262 00:50:54,342 --> 00:50:56,094 take me in the shower, get on my deodorant, 1263 00:50:56,178 --> 00:50:57,929 socks, draws, wifebeater, get dressed, 1264 00:50:58,013 --> 00:50:59,931 fill my truck up with gas and drive across town, 1265 00:51:00,015 --> 00:51:01,433 expecting a legged woman, 1266 00:51:02,809 --> 00:51:05,896 and I get there, and then she's just propped up on the counter… 1267 00:51:05,979 --> 00:51:07,272 [scattered laughter] 1268 00:51:07,355 --> 00:51:09,483 …with her elbow on the microwave… 1269 00:51:09,566 --> 00:51:11,318 [audience laughs] 1270 00:51:11,401 --> 00:51:13,820 …and she's just wigglin' her lil' nubs like that… 1271 00:51:13,904 --> 00:51:15,781 [audience laughs] 1272 00:51:17,115 --> 00:51:18,617 …I'm gonna fuck, and… 1273 00:51:18,700 --> 00:51:21,453 -[audience laughs] -I am. I know who I am. I'm gonna fuck. 1274 00:51:21,536 --> 00:51:23,455 It's not gonna take me long to decide, either. 1275 00:51:23,538 --> 00:51:24,539 [audience laughs] 1276 00:51:24,623 --> 00:51:25,874 I was expecting legs. 1277 00:51:25,957 --> 00:51:29,961 She was sending me photoshopped pictures of her body on her little friend's legs, 1278 00:51:30,045 --> 00:51:31,046 all of that. 1279 00:51:31,129 --> 00:51:33,799 I get there, I'm still holding the door. I'm in the doorway. 1280 00:51:33,882 --> 00:51:36,510 See, most men get in, get comfortable, then start asking questions. 1281 00:51:36,593 --> 00:51:39,971 Not me. I don't beat around the bush. I wanna know what the fuck going on. 1282 00:51:40,055 --> 00:51:42,224 I'm in the doorway on the linoleum. 1283 00:51:42,307 --> 00:51:44,142 [audience laughs] 1284 00:51:44,226 --> 00:51:45,977 "The fuck happened to your legs?" 1285 00:51:46,061 --> 00:51:48,188 [audience laughs] 1286 00:51:48,271 --> 00:51:49,981 She like, "I ain't got no legs." 1287 00:51:50,065 --> 00:51:51,316 [scattered chuckling] 1288 00:51:51,399 --> 00:51:52,943 "You want some pussy or not?" 1289 00:51:53,026 --> 00:51:54,778 [audience laughs] 1290 00:51:56,279 --> 00:51:57,989 [laughter continues] 1291 00:52:02,994 --> 00:52:05,413 [audience laughing] 1292 00:52:13,004 --> 00:52:14,047 I'ma do it! 1293 00:52:15,006 --> 00:52:16,633 'Cause legs be in the way. 1294 00:52:16,716 --> 00:52:18,426 [audience laughs] 1295 00:52:18,510 --> 00:52:20,804 Be honest, legs be in the way. Fellas, be honest. 1296 00:52:20,887 --> 00:52:23,265 You ever been with your girl after brunch, she drunk, like… 1297 00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:25,267 [in high voice] "I want some dick, yeah"? 1298 00:52:25,350 --> 00:52:27,310 You're like, "Okay, let me get to the pussy then." 1299 00:52:27,394 --> 00:52:29,938 [in high voice] "Ha-ha-ha! Find it! Yeah! Find it!" 1300 00:52:30,021 --> 00:52:31,398 -[audience laughs] -"Ha-ha!" 1301 00:52:31,481 --> 00:52:33,817 "If you can get by my legs, you can have it!" 1302 00:52:33,900 --> 00:52:35,694 You're like, "What the fuck is going on?" 1303 00:52:35,777 --> 00:52:38,154 I don't gotta deal with that. She ain't got no legs. 1304 00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:39,322 [scattered laughter] 1305 00:52:39,406 --> 00:52:42,826 You know how many positions you can do without legs in the way? 1306 00:52:42,909 --> 00:52:45,203 She grown. She just ain't no legs. She wants some dick. 1307 00:52:45,287 --> 00:52:48,123 She right there on the ground, talking about, "Up, up, up, up, up." 1308 00:52:48,206 --> 00:52:49,499 [audience laughs] 1309 00:52:49,583 --> 00:52:50,542 "Up, up." 1310 00:52:51,751 --> 00:52:52,794 [mouthing inaudibly] 1311 00:52:52,878 --> 00:52:54,462 [audience laughing] 1312 00:52:58,091 --> 00:52:59,676 [chuckles] "Up, up." 1313 00:53:01,178 --> 00:53:04,222 [chuckles] But she's 44 or 45. 1314 00:53:04,306 --> 00:53:05,765 [scattered laughter] 1315 00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:09,227 Nice little age. She's like, "Give me some of that dick, young man." 1316 00:53:09,728 --> 00:53:11,438 "Oh, who you calling 'young man'?" 1317 00:53:11,521 --> 00:53:13,690 "You don't know who you fucking with, girl. Shit." 1318 00:53:13,773 --> 00:53:16,318 [chuckles] You about to be a helicopter, fucking with me. 1319 00:53:16,401 --> 00:53:17,319 [audience laughs] 1320 00:53:17,402 --> 00:53:21,323 [laughs] I'm gonna pick her up, put her on the dick. "Fa, da, da, da!" 1321 00:53:21,406 --> 00:53:23,408 She like, "Ah-ha-ha-ha!" 1322 00:53:23,491 --> 00:53:25,869 "Yeah!" 1323 00:53:25,952 --> 00:53:28,330 "Spin me again!" "You going the other way, bitch!" 1324 00:53:28,413 --> 00:53:31,124 "Da, da, da!" "Ah-ha-ha! Yeah! Ha-ha!" 1325 00:53:31,207 --> 00:53:35,212 Fuck around, get good to me. I'm like, "Yeah!" [exclaims exaggeratedly] 1326 00:53:35,837 --> 00:53:37,756 [audience] Fuck! 1327 00:53:37,839 --> 00:53:40,300 -[audience applauds] -[Nate laughing] 1328 00:53:40,383 --> 00:53:43,386 [whooping, applauding] 1329 00:53:43,470 --> 00:53:47,390 [whistling] 1330 00:53:48,016 --> 00:53:49,100 [Nate chuckles] 1331 00:53:50,810 --> 00:53:51,895 [applause subsides] 1332 00:53:51,978 --> 00:53:53,188 [Nate sighs] 1333 00:53:53,271 --> 00:53:56,816 Unequivocally, I was like, "If a woman don't got no legs, I'm fuckin'." 1334 00:53:56,900 --> 00:53:58,818 [scattered chuckling] 1335 00:53:58,902 --> 00:54:00,362 What about you, bro? Would you do it? 1336 00:54:00,445 --> 00:54:01,363 No. 1337 00:54:01,446 --> 00:54:02,739 [Nate] No? 1338 00:54:02,822 --> 00:54:05,700 You got a hickey on your neck right now, freaky-ass boy. 1339 00:54:05,784 --> 00:54:08,036 -[audience laughs] -[Nate chuckles] 1340 00:54:08,787 --> 00:54:11,498 You're not gonna. What about you? Would you fuck a girl with no legs? 1341 00:54:11,581 --> 00:54:13,750 -No. -[Nate] No? Okay. What about you? Hmm? 1342 00:54:13,833 --> 00:54:15,835 -[man 7] Lying! -Yeah, they lying their asses off. 1343 00:54:15,919 --> 00:54:18,505 You would? Real man right there, being honest. 1344 00:54:18,588 --> 00:54:21,424 Appreciate that. Hell yeah. What about you? 1345 00:54:21,508 --> 00:54:23,551 Jake, you ain't got no bitches. Would you smash? 1346 00:54:23,635 --> 00:54:26,054 -[audience chuckles] -[Nate] He's like, "Yeah, I would." 1347 00:54:26,137 --> 00:54:27,180 [chuckles] 1348 00:54:27,263 --> 00:54:30,183 What about you, huh, barbecue steel, Indiana Jones? 1349 00:54:30,267 --> 00:54:32,477 -[audience laughs] -Be honest. It could be her. 1350 00:54:32,560 --> 00:54:34,187 What is she didn't have no legs? 1351 00:54:34,270 --> 00:54:35,897 He said, "Give me that ass, girl!" 1352 00:54:35,981 --> 00:54:37,440 -[audience laughs] -[laughs] 1353 00:54:37,524 --> 00:54:39,401 He said, "She ain't even gotta have arms." 1354 00:54:40,193 --> 00:54:42,529 "She could be a sexy caterpillar, fucking with me." 1355 00:54:42,612 --> 00:54:44,698 -[audience laughs] -"Goddamn duffel bag." 1356 00:54:45,490 --> 00:54:47,283 [chuckles] "He's a liar." 1357 00:54:47,367 --> 00:54:50,829 [chuckles] But you not gonna do it? You think you're better than us, huh? 1358 00:54:50,912 --> 00:54:52,205 -No. -[Nate] Interesting. 1359 00:54:52,288 --> 00:54:54,791 Okay, what if… what if… Some men need to know why. 1360 00:54:54,874 --> 00:54:57,252 So let's just give you what happened to her leg. So… 1361 00:54:57,335 --> 00:54:59,754 -[breathes deeply] -[audience chuckles] 1362 00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:00,839 [Nate chuckles] 1363 00:55:01,881 --> 00:55:03,133 So she's a patriot. 1364 00:55:04,175 --> 00:55:06,094 She was fighting for your freedom. 1365 00:55:06,177 --> 00:55:07,804 [audience chuckles] 1366 00:55:07,887 --> 00:55:09,764 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1367 00:55:09,848 --> 00:55:12,183 She was overseas, and she was in the barracks, 1368 00:55:12,851 --> 00:55:16,229 one of them tents, and a lonely grenade rolled in. 1369 00:55:16,312 --> 00:55:17,689 [audience chuckles] 1370 00:55:17,772 --> 00:55:20,734 And she saw it. She's like, "Yo, there's a grenade!" 1371 00:55:20,817 --> 00:55:22,152 And nobody else heard her. 1372 00:55:23,111 --> 00:55:26,531 She just had that moment where you just realize what you have to do. 1373 00:55:27,449 --> 00:55:29,075 She was just like, "America." 1374 00:55:29,159 --> 00:55:30,785 [audience laughs] 1375 00:55:30,869 --> 00:55:33,455 And she jumped on the grenade. Pow! 1376 00:55:33,538 --> 00:55:35,165 It blew both her legs off. 1377 00:55:36,124 --> 00:55:38,668 Pussy in pristine condition. 1378 00:55:38,752 --> 00:55:40,253 [audience laughs] 1379 00:55:40,337 --> 00:55:41,755 Nothing happened to the pussy. 1380 00:55:41,838 --> 00:55:45,842 Matter of fact, it was almost like the explosion pushed all the juices up. 1381 00:55:45,925 --> 00:55:46,968 [audience laughs] 1382 00:55:47,052 --> 00:55:49,637 The pussy looked like it was in a… in a glass museum. 1383 00:55:49,721 --> 00:55:51,639 The pussy looked immaculate. 1384 00:55:51,723 --> 00:55:53,725 -[audience laughs] -Okay? 1385 00:55:53,808 --> 00:55:56,561 Now you at your house, 2:15 in the morning, 1386 00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:58,146 Hennessy in your system. 1387 00:55:58,229 --> 00:56:00,315 [audience laughs] 1388 00:56:01,107 --> 00:56:02,150 Your dick hard. 1389 00:56:03,151 --> 00:56:04,569 Your dick harder than hard. 1390 00:56:05,612 --> 00:56:06,529 Shiny. 1391 00:56:06,613 --> 00:56:08,073 [audience laughs] 1392 00:56:08,156 --> 00:56:11,534 That's the hardest form of a dick. That's the full evolution. 1393 00:56:11,618 --> 00:56:14,287 If a dick was a Pokémon, Shiny… 1394 00:56:14,370 --> 00:56:16,623 [audience laughs] 1395 00:56:16,706 --> 00:56:17,999 [Nate chuckles] 1396 00:56:18,083 --> 00:56:20,960 -[scattered chuckling] -I don't know if y'all ever been there. 1397 00:56:21,044 --> 00:56:24,089 Shiny is where all of the meat inside your dick is like, 1398 00:56:24,172 --> 00:56:25,965 "What in the fuck we about to do?" 1399 00:56:26,049 --> 00:56:27,467 [audience laughs] 1400 00:56:27,550 --> 00:56:28,927 Ain't no more meat left. 1401 00:56:29,010 --> 00:56:30,303 [audience chuckles] 1402 00:56:30,386 --> 00:56:31,596 "You ran out of skin." 1403 00:56:31,679 --> 00:56:34,349 Ain't enough skin for all the meat inside of the dick. 1404 00:56:34,432 --> 00:56:35,517 [scattered chuckling] 1405 00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:36,559 It's taut. 1406 00:56:38,728 --> 00:56:42,816 You look down at your own dick and see reflections of shit in your room. 1407 00:56:42,899 --> 00:56:44,984 It hurts. You're like, "I gotta put this in something." 1408 00:56:45,068 --> 00:56:46,277 "I gotta do something." 1409 00:56:46,361 --> 00:56:49,072 Your girl ain't there. She's nowhere be found. 1410 00:56:49,155 --> 00:56:52,158 You're by yourself. Hand full of lotion. You're gonna fix it. 1411 00:56:53,284 --> 00:56:57,580 And right before you get to go to town, you hear a knock at the door. 1412 00:56:59,999 --> 00:57:03,002 You go to the door, hand full of lotion, pants at your knees. 1413 00:57:03,670 --> 00:57:06,714 You look in the peephole. You don't see shit. 1414 00:57:06,798 --> 00:57:09,759 [audience laughing] 1415 00:57:09,843 --> 00:57:12,095 You see your whole porch out there, goddammit. 1416 00:57:13,513 --> 00:57:15,557 "Huh. Must be the wind." 1417 00:57:15,640 --> 00:57:17,809 [scattered laughter] 1418 00:57:17,892 --> 00:57:20,270 And your dick like, "Come on, man. Let's go do this." 1419 00:57:20,353 --> 00:57:22,605 So you head back to the room. You hear another knock. 1420 00:57:25,733 --> 00:57:29,112 You go back… you look, you don't see nothing again. 1421 00:57:29,195 --> 00:57:31,197 Now you start lying. "I got a gun in here!" 1422 00:57:31,281 --> 00:57:33,575 -[audience laughs] -You do, but not right now. 1423 00:57:33,658 --> 00:57:37,245 Right now your pants down, your hand full of lotion.You're helpless. 1424 00:57:37,745 --> 00:57:39,080 Your dick's shiny. 1425 00:57:39,956 --> 00:57:41,875 It's literally wobbling when you walk. 1426 00:57:41,958 --> 00:57:43,501 [audience chuckling] 1427 00:57:44,377 --> 00:57:47,755 And then, out of nowhere, the door gets kicked… 1428 00:57:47,839 --> 00:57:50,425 -Uh, the door… -[audience laughs] 1429 00:57:50,508 --> 00:57:51,593 Shit. 1430 00:57:52,427 --> 00:57:55,388 The door gets, goddamn, this. It gets, uh… 1431 00:57:55,471 --> 00:57:56,639 Goddamn. [grunts] 1432 00:57:56,723 --> 00:57:58,183 It gets, like, shouldered. 1433 00:57:59,058 --> 00:58:01,728 It gets that Gerry Bertier, Remember the Titans. 1434 00:58:01,811 --> 00:58:04,314 It just… [grunts] "Left side!" 1435 00:58:04,397 --> 00:58:05,690 "Strong side!" 1436 00:58:05,773 --> 00:58:08,818 [laughs] The door just fly open. Pow! She fall in. 1437 00:58:08,902 --> 00:58:12,197 -[in high voice] "Oh my God! Oh! Oh!" -[audience laughs] 1438 00:58:12,280 --> 00:58:15,074 "Oh! Oh!" 1439 00:58:15,158 --> 00:58:17,952 "Oh my God! I don't have any legs!" 1440 00:58:18,036 --> 00:58:22,207 "Give me some dick! Your dick is shiny!" 1441 00:58:22,290 --> 00:58:23,917 "It's shiny!" 1442 00:58:24,500 --> 00:58:26,044 "I'm a war hero." 1443 00:58:26,127 --> 00:58:27,504 [audience laughs] 1444 00:58:27,587 --> 00:58:29,422 "I'm Lieutenant Danielle." 1445 00:58:29,506 --> 00:58:31,424 [audience laughing] 1446 00:58:33,176 --> 00:58:34,677 [scattered laughter] 1447 00:58:35,678 --> 00:58:36,763 Would you do it then? 1448 00:58:36,846 --> 00:58:38,139 [audience laughs] 1449 00:58:38,223 --> 00:58:39,432 I'm still saying no. 1450 00:58:39,515 --> 00:58:41,601 [chuckles] He's like, "I'm still saying no." 1451 00:58:41,684 --> 00:58:43,311 He's like, "I'll do it. Fuck it." 1452 00:58:43,394 --> 00:58:45,522 He said, "I'm doing it for America." 1453 00:58:45,605 --> 00:58:48,691 -[audience laughs] -[Nate laughing] 1454 00:58:48,775 --> 00:58:49,734 That's gay. 1455 00:58:49,817 --> 00:58:51,945 [audience laughs] 1456 00:58:52,028 --> 00:58:55,198 I described a hypothetical woman with no legs, and he didn't want to do it, 1457 00:58:55,281 --> 00:58:57,200 but when I tooted my ass in his face… 1458 00:58:57,283 --> 00:58:59,077 [audience laughs, applauds] 1459 00:58:59,160 --> 00:59:00,578 …that won him over. 1460 00:59:01,412 --> 00:59:03,957 He was like, "Ooh, this shit getting good!" 1461 00:59:04,666 --> 00:59:07,210 "Ooh, shit. I didn't know he was gonna act an ass." 1462 00:59:07,293 --> 00:59:10,129 -[audience laughing] -[Nate chuckles] 1463 00:59:12,799 --> 00:59:15,635 Maybe just stay single, Jake. Fuck it. It ain't worth it. 1464 00:59:15,718 --> 00:59:19,055 Because this is the kind of shit you gotta go through when you chase the dragon. 1465 00:59:19,138 --> 00:59:20,890 [audience laughing] 1466 00:59:21,849 --> 00:59:24,018 I'ma get outta here, but I wanna do this on the way out, 1467 00:59:24,102 --> 00:59:28,773 'cause people say that all we got up here is salmon, uh, white women, and coffee, 1468 00:59:28,856 --> 00:59:31,985 and this crowd shows a lot of diversity. 1469 00:59:32,068 --> 00:59:33,736 They say we're dumb here. Did you know that? 1470 00:59:33,820 --> 00:59:36,781 So I want it to show the world that we actually… we smart. 1471 00:59:37,573 --> 00:59:39,158 So we gonna play a game. 1472 00:59:39,993 --> 00:59:41,327 I need everybody to participate, 1473 00:59:41,411 --> 00:59:43,871 even if you're in the Mexican row and you mad at me. 1474 00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:46,541 -[audience laughs] -I need you to stay involved. 1475 00:59:46,624 --> 00:59:49,460 Barbecue man, barbecue lady, I need you in there. Lock in. 1476 00:59:49,544 --> 00:59:52,380 Mr. Man bun… I need you involved. 1477 00:59:53,381 --> 00:59:55,758 So we gonna show the world that we smart here. 1478 00:59:55,842 --> 00:59:57,844 I'm gonna ask you some math questions. 1479 00:59:57,927 --> 01:00:00,430 [scattered chuckling] 1480 01:00:00,513 --> 01:00:03,266 [chuckles] The one Asian like, "I not the kind that count." 1481 01:00:03,349 --> 01:00:06,352 [audience laughs] 1482 01:00:06,436 --> 01:00:08,354 "I the kind that cook. Different kind." 1483 01:00:08,438 --> 01:00:09,814 [audience laughs] 1484 01:00:09,897 --> 01:00:11,065 [Nate chuckles] 1485 01:00:11,149 --> 01:00:14,485 We about to do this. You better get ready. "Herro," it's happening. 1486 01:00:14,569 --> 01:00:16,946 [audience laughs] 1487 01:00:17,030 --> 01:00:19,032 -Ten plus ten? -[audience] Twenty. 1488 01:00:19,115 --> 01:00:20,825 Not enough. Ten plus ten? 1489 01:00:20,908 --> 01:00:21,909 [audience] Twenty! 1490 01:00:21,993 --> 01:00:23,870 -Plus five? -[audience] 25. 1491 01:00:23,953 --> 01:00:26,080 -Plus five? -[audience] Thirty. 1492 01:00:26,164 --> 01:00:27,123 Divided by two? 1493 01:00:27,206 --> 01:00:28,583 Fifteen. 1494 01:00:28,666 --> 01:00:31,461 -Divided by two? -[audience] Seven and a half. 1495 01:00:31,544 --> 01:00:34,213 -You see that, America? -[audience laughs] 1496 01:00:34,297 --> 01:00:38,134 We handled a decimal. Nobody…. nobody dropped the ball. 1497 01:00:38,843 --> 01:00:41,596 Even our rednecks are like, "Seven and a half." 1498 01:00:41,679 --> 01:00:44,474 [audience laughing, clapping] 1499 01:00:45,391 --> 01:00:48,853 Now we gonna show off. I'm gonna go faster. 7.5 plus 0.5? 1500 01:00:48,936 --> 01:00:49,896 [audience] Eight. 1501 01:00:49,979 --> 01:00:51,189 -Plus two? -[audience] Ten. 1502 01:00:51,272 --> 01:00:52,857 -Times seven. -[audience] 70. 1503 01:00:52,940 --> 01:00:53,775 Plus seven? 1504 01:00:53,858 --> 01:00:56,027 -[audience] 77. -Divided by 11? 1505 01:00:56,110 --> 01:00:57,862 -[audience] Seven. -Minus two? 1506 01:00:57,945 --> 01:00:59,197 -[audience] Five. -Minus one? 1507 01:00:59,280 --> 01:01:01,032 -Four -Divided by two? 1508 01:01:01,115 --> 01:01:02,325 -[audience] Two. -Minus one? 1509 01:01:02,408 --> 01:01:03,993 -One. -Minus one? 1510 01:01:04,077 --> 01:01:05,787 -[audience] Zero. -Final answer? 1511 01:01:05,870 --> 01:01:06,954 [audience] Zero! 1512 01:01:07,038 --> 01:01:09,874 And that is exactly how many bitches he got. 1513 01:01:09,957 --> 01:01:12,627 [audience laughs, applauds] 1514 01:01:12,710 --> 01:01:14,671 Seattle, Washington, I love y'all, man. 1515 01:01:14,754 --> 01:01:16,923 -[raucous cheering, applause] -[men barking] 1516 01:01:17,006 --> 01:01:19,050 ["Halftime" by Ying Yang Twins plays] 1517 01:01:21,427 --> 01:01:23,346 -♪ Okay, okay, okay ♪ -♪ Ah! ♪ 1518 01:01:27,683 --> 01:01:29,352 -♪ Tell 'em how we gonna come ♪ -♪ Crunk! ♪ 1519 01:01:29,435 --> 01:01:31,437 -♪ Tell 'em why they don't want none ♪ -♪ Crunk! ♪ 1520 01:01:31,521 --> 01:01:33,856 -♪ Tell 'em why they better run ♪ -♪ Crunk! ♪ 1521 01:01:33,940 --> 01:01:35,566 -♪ Crunk! Crunk! ♪ -♪ Ooh! ♪ 1522 01:01:35,650 --> 01:01:36,984 But you look excited, sir, 1523 01:01:37,068 --> 01:01:39,028 with the Harry and the Hendersons forehead. 1524 01:01:39,112 --> 01:01:41,406 -[audience laughing] -I am. 1525 01:01:42,156 --> 01:01:45,535 Scoot down just a little bit. Just scoot down. Right… right there. 1526 01:01:45,618 --> 01:01:47,537 [audience laughs] 1527 01:01:47,620 --> 01:01:50,498 [Nate laughing] 1528 01:01:51,290 --> 01:01:52,750 Why is it so shiny? 1529 01:01:52,834 --> 01:01:54,001 [audience laughs] 1530 01:01:54,085 --> 01:01:56,170 He looks like he stopped in the airport. "Shoeshine!" 1531 01:01:56,254 --> 01:01:57,630 [audience laughs] 1532 01:01:59,674 --> 01:02:03,344 I want y'all to light up the balcony, and I'm gonna talk some shit up there too. 1533 01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:05,805 That lady laugh like a crackhead. 1534 01:02:05,888 --> 01:02:08,015 [audience laughs] 1535 01:02:08,099 --> 01:02:10,184 She's like, "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" 1536 01:02:10,268 --> 01:02:11,477 "Ah-ha-ha!" 1537 01:02:11,561 --> 01:02:14,105 Y'all, give it up for Ruben Studdard, man. He made it out. 1538 01:02:14,188 --> 01:02:17,608 -[audience laughs] -[Nate laughs] 1539 01:02:17,692 --> 01:02:20,486 Hell yeah. And right in front of him, Nelly's father. 1540 01:02:20,570 --> 01:02:21,571 [audience laughs] 1541 01:02:21,654 --> 01:02:24,532 ♪ I'm going down, down, baby Your street in a Range Rover ♪ 1542 01:02:24,615 --> 01:02:27,118 Let me see. Who is that in all that hair up there? 1543 01:02:27,201 --> 01:02:28,411 Ooh, shit. 1544 01:02:28,494 --> 01:02:31,122 -[audience laughs] -[Nate chuckles] 1545 01:02:31,205 --> 01:02:34,834 -Rapunzel, Rapunzel! -[audience laughs] 1546 01:02:34,917 --> 01:02:37,336 Let your hair down! 1547 01:02:37,920 --> 01:02:40,006 [chuckles] She's trying to let it down. 1548 01:02:40,089 --> 01:02:42,884 Listen… if I grab that, it's coming off. 1549 01:02:42,967 --> 01:02:45,052 [audience laughs] 1550 01:02:45,136 --> 01:02:46,554 [Nate chuckles] Let's go up. 1551 01:02:46,637 --> 01:02:48,222 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. 1552 01:02:48,306 --> 01:02:50,683 -Ooh. Ooh. -[audience laughs] 1553 01:02:51,684 --> 01:02:53,519 [Nate] Ooh… 1554 01:02:55,188 --> 01:02:58,941 Ooh… shit. 1555 01:03:00,443 --> 01:03:01,736 Ooh, shit. 1556 01:03:01,819 --> 01:03:02,945 [audience chuckles] 1557 01:03:03,029 --> 01:03:05,573 Ooh, I can't. I can't. Ooh-wee! 1558 01:03:05,656 --> 01:03:07,658 Shit. You look beautiful, sir. 1559 01:03:07,742 --> 01:03:09,702 -[audience chuckles] -You're beautiful. 1560 01:03:09,785 --> 01:03:12,288 Goddamn. He look just like my dick. 1561 01:03:12,371 --> 01:03:13,998 [audience laughs] 1562 01:03:14,081 --> 01:03:15,666 [Nate laughs] 1563 01:03:15,750 --> 01:03:18,753 As soon as I looked at him, I was like… [exclaims exaggeratedly] 1564 01:03:19,462 --> 01:03:20,671 [audience] Fuck! 1565 01:03:20,755 --> 01:03:22,215 [Nate laughs] 1566 01:03:22,298 --> 01:03:24,008 -[music continues] -♪ Yeah! ♪ 1567 01:03:24,091 --> 01:03:25,092 ♪ Crunk! ♪ 1568 01:03:26,302 --> 01:03:27,720 ♪ Crunk! ♪ 1569 01:03:27,803 --> 01:03:28,721 ♪ Crunk! ♪ 1570 01:03:29,347 --> 01:03:31,015 -♪ Break it on down ♪ -♪ Crunk! ♪ 1571 01:03:31,098 --> 01:03:32,350 -♪ Crunk! ♪ -[music fades] Crunk! ♪