So, this girl was riding me, right?
[audience laughter]
Right?
[laughs]
-Yeah, so she was riding me... -[scattered applause]
She said-- she said-- she said it was like...
-Late for a very important date. -You're not supposed to be back here.
I don't... I've never performed for this many people.
I'm honestly wondering if I should just come back another time
or give up on comedy, or, like...
You're gonna be great.
And other uplifting things that people say.
Wow, okay. Thanks.
I'm Amy Schumer. Thanks.
[applause]
Oh, man.
Uh, one more time for Tyler.
-Yeah! -[applause]
Are you guys ready for your next comic?
-[whistling and cheering] -Yeah! All right!
Let's give it up for Pete Devine!
[sighs] It's Devin. Devin.
-Okay. -Go!
No, I can't. Okay.
-What? -I'm gonna use the bathroom quickly.
-Big welcome-- Okay, all right... -Pete--
-Fuck. -And Peter is... away.
Um, all right. Well, uh...
So I'm single.
Fuck.
-Fuck. Fuck. -[Tiff] Pete. Pete!
Don't make me run.
Stop.
I'm sorry. I'm-I'm sorry I made you come, and, like...
[sighs] Maybe I should just give up on this
and move home and become an accountant or something.
What's eight times eight?
A metaphorical accountant.
Look, what you do with me...
with the clients, that is fucking brave.
You walk into a room, you don't know if you're gonna have to shit on someone.
You're a deranged person, but I appreciate the sentiment.
I'm serious. You're braver than you think.
I know that. Otherwise, I wouldn't have hired you.
[sighs]
-What do you masturbate to? -Tiff, can-- for one second--
Just answer.
[scoffs] I don't know, like...
the part in porn where there's like... kissing.
Kissing?
Kissing, and fucking, and...
slobbering, and...
missionary, and all that.
Oh, come on. You never masturbate to anything like...
weird or pervy? Like...
car crashes or Animal Planet?
-Or [gasps] your uncle? -No! Shh! No!
Your uncle is so hot!
Uncle Barry is very hot, but I'm not gonna, like...
jack off to him.
He's married.
Come on.
Feet.
-Feet! -Okay.
Okay, so you're a Foot Queen!
Shh. I wouldn't put it like that, okay?
Wow.
I've known you for 13 years
and I didn't know you liked smelly, old feet.
I'm not, like, the president of the Foot Club for Men, okay?
I mean, you could be.
Just one foot in front of the other.
Shut the foot up.
[laughs] This is stupid.
Why'd you ask me that?
Because when people masturbate, they want to zombie out,
even if it's for, like, a fucking second.
I wanted to make you feel better.
Did it work?
You made my heart come.
I made your soul jizz.
I'm still chickenshit though.
I have an idea. Come with me.
I hate your ideas.
[whispering] Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I don't want to do this.
Just do what you did with Fred and give 'em hell.
Okay.
Hey! Okay.
[Tiff] No.
No negotiation. Peeing is extra, Fred.
Yeah.
-[bones crack] -Yeah.
Oh, and bring your own towel. I'm not a fucking gym.
Okay, I'll see you tonight.
[sighs]
Everybody loves Freud, right?
I stan for Sigmund.
But y'all wrong.
Freud's fascination with sexuality
and role play
is a minefield for ethical patient relationships.
Clients fall in love with their therapists.
Why?
Think about it.
It's the first time they're finally feeling cared for.
So, when we, you know, physicalize
the sub-conscience, à la Freud,
we enable that emotional transference,
and that, write this down,
is trouble spelled L-A-W suit.
But in your book, you say that role play can be beneficial.
Thank you for mentioning my book. You get an A forever.
Actually, um,
he goes on to say that, though beneficial,
role play can re-traumatize the patient, causing more harm than good.
Money-shot, Kate!
It's raining A's in here. Hallelujah!
Well, what makes you right and everybody else wrong?
So, blow jobs are like...
the Airbnb of sex. Right?
It's a fun, temporary stay as long as you clean up after yourself,
but anal is straight up... home-owning.
You know, you're paying a mortgage, you're landscaping,
you're constantly fixing pipes.
-The mess is your mess. -Literally.
Well, in your case, you sloppy bitch.
[chuckles]
Hey. Cute waiter?
Hi.
-Hi. -We have a question.
Is a blowjob full sex?
Um...
Blowjobs are not on the menu.
So...
[laughter]
Thank you. That's good to know.
-Mmm. -I was about to order one.
[Peter] Fucking idiot. You're so fucking stupid.
Next class...
we will start our thesis presentation.
Impress me, Goddammit.
And remember, my students, all talkie, no touchie.
Hey there, trouble bubble.
I was wondering if you wanted to hang out or whatever.
Or-- or not.
Hi, I just wanted to say that I will gladly do my presentation first.
Hey, Miss Chester, can I talk to you for a hot sec?
Hey, that's great, Kate. Thank you.
Uh, I can't, Doug. I'm busy.
Hey.
Wanna...
explain that outburst?
Physicalizing role play can be a very...
energizing
psychological exercise...
in my experience.
What experience?
Little advice: you want to survive this...
creaky institution...
you need to have professional boundaries, okay?
They're just-- they're like a necessary evil.
All right?
And...
being nice to your professor...
can get you far.
Okay?
[whispering] Come on, come on, come on.
[groans, unzips zipper]
[exhales]
Sometimes when I can't pee, I do a long division or sing "Happy Birthday."
I'll just wait here until you're gone and then crumple into a million pieces.
[chuckles]
[zips zipper]
My name's Josh.
I left my number on the check.
Nice dick, by the way.
[flushes]
And there it was, his number, like, right on the check.
I'm fucking Meg Ryan.
Did you call him?
-Well... okay. -Ooh.
Ugh, I'm supposed to present on what kind of therapist I want to be,
and look at me.
Not exactly something school would approve.
-[gasps] -Don't they know you're a dom?
Well, no, I don't really go around telling my professors about my sex work.
Secrets, secrets everywhere and not a whip to drink.
There's a stigma, Pete.
A stigma that we have to eliminate.
By not talking about it.
I'm the one teaching you about this job.
Not the other way around.
Complete the knot.
Oh, God. This is just like Boy Scouts all over again.
So, is that like your maid, or...
He's a client.
You pay him to do this?
He pays me.
Watch this. Rolph!
The kitchen better be fucking spotless or I'll chop your dick off, okay?
Yes, Mistress May.
Is he German?
See?
I'm a full-service fantasy provider.
You're a fucking genius.
Look here.
Dom work is about much more than just hog-tying someone.
Ooh.
It's all...
about the knot.
Oh, okay, ouch.
It's about the rope...
pressing against the skin,
becoming safer, but more dangerous with every...
...Tug. You see, Pete,
masculinity is inherently constricting.
Expectations...
dominance and power, emotionlessness.
So...
men come to me to escape this crippling societal prison.
Once the sexual patriarchy dies,
then all genders will be equal.
Wow.
-You should say that to your class. -Well...
It's not that easy.
Everyone thinks dom work is just about sex work.
It's really just liberation from shame.
[exhales]
As the daughter of Born Again Christians, I can preach that.
[chuckles]
Amen.
Uh, Tiff? A little help?
Oh. It's part of the lesson.
[Peter] Tiff!
What the fuck is this?
I-I don't know.
[Tiff sighs]
This place better be fucking spotless, Rolph.
-Yes, Mistress. -Move!
[Peter] Shit!
-Tiff! -Toodles!
Motherfuck!
[grunts]
[straining]
[groans]
Little help?
[footsteps approach]
Tiff, your consultation is here.
Okay, so I'm gonna go over a list of questions pertaining to your needs,
and then we'll discuss pricing and how best I can be of service to you.
Wow-ee.
Sorry, this...
This is really a lot. [laughs]
[whispers] This is a lot.
It's a lot.
A lot of rubber. A lot of rubber.
I can't even look at that one, it's so big.
Makes me feel like...
ouch. [laughs]
-Or whatever. Okay. -Anyway...
Um, what brings you in today?
Oh! You know, it's actually-- it's not for me. It's...
for...
[whispers] my husband.
-I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. -Sorry.
[clears throat] It's for my hus-- my hus--
I can't hear you.
I just said it, the thing that you're asking me.
-One more time. -[loudly] It's for my husband!
Good.
You can do this. You can do this. Hey, Jo--
Josh, hey, what's up? It's Pete.
Hey, Josh, it's Pete from the restaurant.
Hey, just nothing much--
Carter! My funny friend.
Wait...
Fred, are we doing a kidnapping tonight?
No no, no.
You're gonna pee on me.
[laughs]
Chug some water, baby boy.
Motherfrick.
Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.
Hi, I am not peeing on Fred! Oh.
Well, look who got out of his ropes course.
Sorry, I was just, um...
-Hi. Hi. -Daphne...
-Yes. -This is my assistant, Carter.
Assistant.
Professional. [chuckles]
Okay, well, you know, I-I-I have to go pick up the girls from ballet.
So I'm gonna, um...
Uh, okay. Okay.
Bye. See you next week.
-I'm a mom. -Oh, fun.
Okay, who was that?
None of your business.
How come you never tell me anything?
Because if I told you what we were gonna do before we did it,
-then you wouldn't do it. -Truth to power.
Now, help me with this tarp.
You're peeing on Fred.
But Tiff, I get pee shy.
Whoa.
This is not a criticism, but I like it tighter than that.
Okay, just give me a second.
[humming]
I told my friends how funny you were.
You tell people about this?
Yeah. I'm not hurting anybody.
Mmm.
We are.
[laughs]
You are funny! I want to see you do stand up.
You gotta let me know when your next gig is.
I'll let you know. [grunts]
-Oh! -Tight enough for you?
-Bamm-Bamm. -Okay.
[sighs] Put this on.
Drink this.
Okay.
All right, where do you want it, Freddy?
Mouth? Legs? Tiny dick?
Lady's choice.
Why can't you do this?
He wants you to do it. It's a compliment.
I believe in you, Carter.
Thank you.
You got this.
[sighs]
Okay. Fuck.
Jesus Christ.
[grunts]
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪
♪ Happy birthday... ♪
[humming]
♪ Happy birthday to... ♪
[Tiff whispering] What are you doing?
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday... ♪
I'm peeing! I'm peeing!
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
-[Fred laughs] -♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[Tiff and Pete] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday... ♪
♪ You're... peeing! ♪
♪ Happy birthday to... ♪ hday to you ♪