[birds chirping]
[inhales]
[knocking]
Melania Trump.
Hello.
Hey, Melvin.
Long night?
I know we had a fight, but--
Hey.
[sighs]
She's not coming, is she?
Um...
Put this on.
I wanna wrestle.
Okay, how about we...
um...
just do a rain check and wait until Mistress May arrives,
because, I mean, I'm like, you know, a boy and you probably want a girl penguin--
I want a penguin. Put it on.
Okay.
-From the bottom, up. -Okay, yeah. Uh-huh.
-Sure. -Head first.
Okay.
There you go.
That's in the wing.
You put your head through the... yeah.
Careful of the beak.
[Pete] Oh, boy.
[man] Oh, wow.
Yeah, and now just...
[man exhales]
Okay, so, what kind of wrestling are you into?
Penguin wrestling.
-Of course. -Put your hands on my shoulders.
Okay. Should I use my actual hands, or like, my flippers or--
[gasps] Okay! We are wrestling.
Wow. Okay.
You do this with Mistress May?
No. I was just gonna watch her waddle around in the suit while I jerked off.
Oh, uh, we could still do that.
[grunts] Um, well, what do you like about penguins so much?
Have you ever seen March of the Penguins?
Isn't that the one where they, like, urban dance?
-That's Happy Feet. -Oh, sorry.
Okay, I'm sorry. Look, I've never been more aroused...
than when I look at penguins, okay?
The way they waddle.
The way they swim.
The way they fight.
[breathes nervously]
They're little fucking beasts.
Don't they also, like, mate for life?
That's a common misconception.
Oh. Good to know.
All right?
Give me one little...
penguin kiss, and it would mean...
so much to me. Just one.
-What? No, no, no, no! -One little tiny beak-to-beak.
No! No means no!
No penguin kisses!
No Eskimo kisses! No butterfly kisses!
You can march your penguin ass home!
[whimpering]
[grunts]
We're done for the day.
Just leave your money with reception,
and don't watch me while I walk away.
Yes, Master Carter.
What did you call me?
Master Carter.
[farts]
Don't shit yet.
Sorry.
Uh, I will hold it.
I'm...
a dominatrix.
That would explain the boots.
So how do you feel about that?
Uh, the boots? They're nice boots.
No, uh...
About me being a dominatrix.
Um...
I don't know.
Is that okay?
[stall door opens]
[footsteps approach, stall door closes]
[knocking]
[stall door opens]
This is me.
Well, part of me.
Yeah, you look like Wonder Woman at a funeral.
Look...
I had a really...
nice time the other night,
in spite of my best effort not to.
So...
I don't know, if you want to know more about what I do or why I do it,
or if you just want to let me annihilate you in pinball,
I'm gonna leave that up to you.
I'm gonna let you shit in peace now.
Oh, I already did.
-You did? -Mm-hmm.
You're not the only one who can do things on the down low.
I'll see you in class.
You're gonna wear that?
[audience laughter]
[woman] I mean, no, but I'm fucking serious.
[Josh] You're gonna be fine.
[audience laughter]
Yeah, I... I just wish Tiff were here.
Shouldn't I just get baked or something? Or am I better than that?
I'm not better than that, no.
[exhales]
[sighs]
Thanks for coming.
I'm your only fan, apparently.
Piss all over 'em, kiddo.
[audience laughter]
[Pete chuckles awkwardly]
Just a friend from work.
-Oh, yeah? -Uh-huh.
If a man had his period once in a lifetime,
tampons would be free,
and you could get an abortion at the bodega.
You'd literally... I'm s... You'd literally be laying there, being like,
"Can you also put a carton of almond milk and some cigarettes on my tab?"
[audience laughter]
Thank you. Okay, you guys, that's my time...
of the month.
[cheering and applause]
Wow! Murphy! Hello.
All right, no hugging there.
Give it up for Murphy. Isn't she funny?
All right, let's give it up for your next comic,
uh, Carter.
Uh, that's it.
It's like a Cher is gonna be next. Come on, Carter!
I thought you were next.
I am.
[students chattering]
All right, all right, everybody settle down.
[Tiff] Professor.
I've got some people here to see you.
You remember Kate, right?
And maybe you know our administrators, Mrs. Cartwright and Mr. Sames?
They would love to have a chat with you.
Our lovely star professor here didn't have the proper boundaries,
so he's dismissed from class for the day.
So are the rest of you.
But...
if you would like to stay around for my thesis presentation,
I would like to do that now.
[students chattering]
[girl gasps]
Hi.
[audience laughter]
-Good boy. -[laughter]
Shoo.
[laughter]
Shh.
Sorry, I came straight from work.
[imitates whip]
[laughter]
I'm a dominatrix assistant. It's my job.
Or at least, I was. I think I got fired today. Don't worry.
I liked it.
[laughter]
My safeword was, "I quit."
[laughter]
How bad at torturing men in basements do you have to be to get fired, right?
I mean, that's like getting fired from the Taliban.
Do you think that when you get fired from the Taliban,
they just send you on a suicide mission?
[laughter]
Right? They're like, "It's not working out.
Should we just have him kill himself?"
[laughter]
It's like, "Sorry, you're fired.
Here's your pink slip. It's also a bomb."
[laughter]
Hoo!
Sorry, that was hot.
Not just me. Hey, can you hold that?
Give it back at the end or I'll kill you!
-Just kidding, okay? -[laughter]
I don't do murder. Just light bondage.
Okay, so I know you're all probably wondering,
"Uh, why is that Frodo Baggins dressed like he's joining the Hells Angels?"
[laughter]
And it's because of my best friend from high school.
So...
I know a lot of you don't know me.
I'm sure most of you think I'm a bitch.
That's fair. Same.
We have something in common.
But... my name is Tiff.
However...
most people call me "Mistress May."
I'm sure a lot of you have noticed I'm not much of a talker.
I'm a doer.
So, the problem with being a doer is I'm...
also a fixer.
I like to fix things...
quickly.
And if I can't fix them...
my way,
I just kind of leave them behind.
Pretty un-psychiatric quality.
See, um...
when I was, um, in high school and college,
bad things happened to me.
Bad men...
happened to me.
Life... happened to me.
So I thought, "Fix it."
That's what I did.
Starting with myself.
So...
I just want to show you guys who I really am.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
who would like to get tied to the chair?
Get in the fucking chair, Doug!
Yup. n the fucking chair, Doug!