[suspenseful music]
-[door opening, closing in distance] -[exhales]
Feels like we're back at the principal's office.
But, on the plus side,
instead of detention, we could get spanked.
-[footsteps approaching] -No jokes right now, please.
Right.
Do you guys want water, or tea, or…?
-No, we're okay. Thank you. -What kind of tea do you… have?
May, she still talks about you.
Fondly?
Sort of.
Well… not really. [chuckles]
No, actually.
Yeah, that tracks.
Good luck.
[door creaking open]
[woman] Mistress May.
Welcome back.
So, let me get this straight.
You've been banned from every dungeon in New York,
dragged all over social media
for lack of consent, good judgment,
and misrepresenting our duties as dommes.
And to top it all off, you did an outcall with a known dangerous client
that somehow resulted in a police chase you narrowly escaped,
and now no one will rent to you 'cause no one trusts your vetting.
Did I miss anything?
The stabbing?
Uh, in her defense, she was, like,
coming to my defense.
-Pete! Enough. -Pete?
Uh, Carter. May's, um, assistant
slash bodyguard slash budding master extraordinaire.
Also, I'm a comedian.
Oh, God.
I host my own night at my friend's comedy club.
It's every Thursday, and it's called Cumedy Tonight, you know?
Like "comedy," but with a U where the O should be.
Like "jizzedy," but "cum,"
not "jizz."
Actually was maybe gonna call it Jizzedy,
-[clears throat] -but… it was trademarked.
Did you follow any of that?
[whispers] She's walking towards us.
And what is your role in all of this?
Long story, but I probably would have said no
if I had known what I was getting myself into.
I mean, one minute I'm getting punched in the face
-and peeing on a stranger-- -Okay, the punching was all you.
She didn't run it by you first?
No.
That's not how consent works.
-[scoffs] Tiff. -May.
-Both of you. -Mira--
Mistress Mira.
Mistress Mira…
I know that we fucked up.
I mean… I fucked up.
But that's why we're here.
To make it right and…
to work again.
We need the money.
Shh. I can handle this.
We need the money.
Spring semester starts for me in three weeks.
[laughs]
With all the legal and financial issues plaguing our community,
you think I'm gonna let you work in my space?
Putting everything I worked so hard to achieve at risk
because Little Miss Authority Issues needs to pay for graduate school?
I don't think you realize that, for some of us, this is our real job.
Years ago,
when you first came into my studio, you said you needed a mentor.
I invested in you.
And the minute I had something to say you didn't like, you were gone.
No note, no call, nothing.
Sounds familiar.
I thought I could do it on my own.
Hmm. Then what's he doing here?
I had high hopes for you, Mistress May.
Shame you had such low standards for yourself.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to my client.
She really came for you.
Are you all right, pet?
I'm teaching a training intensive in the new year.
Domme 101.
There are openings if you can pay.
Um…
Domme 101?
-Don't you think I'm a little advanced-- -No unauthorized clients
until the course is completed to my satisfaction.
At the first sign of defiance,
you are out. Understood?
Understood.
-Yes. -Yes.
Thank you, Mistress Mira.
Entry to the course requires a perfect single-column tie.
Get it right, or get out of here.
-Thank you. -Happy New Year.
Let's go.
So, she's, like, iconic.
Now, this is the right way to close out the year.
Do you think it's okay? I need it to be perfect.
Well, it's doing the trick for me, Mistress.
Hey. Don't call me that, okay?
But everyone else gets to.
Yeah, my clients do.
But you… are my friend.
Oh.
Well, we've been friends for ten months,
and I guess I'm just wondering if I could maybe,
possibly, probably call you my girlfriend
-tonight with my college buddies? -Just…
call me Tiff.
Hey…
be grateful that we're friends…
with benefits.
This is Tiff,
my friend…
who is a girl.
And she is benefiting me greatly today.
[man] I have to go to work.
M'kay. Give me a second.
[sighs] Okay.
[exasperated sigh]
I hate this.
-It's easy. -Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
[tightens rope]
You are so masc.
[chuckles] Boy Scouts, baby.
Why do you have to go to work today?
It's, like, a holiday.
When your dad is the boss,
no day is a holiday.
Well, I have the day off.
Maybe I could finally see the offices of a fancy Wall Street banker.
Ha. You would hate it.
Sorry, what… what is this thing again tonight?
Doug's friends are throwing a fancy-dress New Year's Eve extravaganza.
But it's straight people,
so you could probably wear, like, cargo pants and a fleece.
[groans] Straight people?
Gross.
I know, but Tiff's…
you know, meeting Doug's friends for the first time,
so we have to go for emotional support.
[grunts]
Don't you worry.
Once we scandalize the breeders with our passionate midnight kiss,
we can take our flaming carriage to the gay ball, at which we truly belong.
Mmm.
Sure I can't buy you lunch?
[Portia] Frank, god damn it!
[Frank] It's not my fault!
-[Portia] Yes, it is! -[sighs]
Let's stay at my place tonight.
-Please. -Yes.
Mm.
[exhales, grunts]
Pete, tell me what you see here.
A mistake?
That is not funny.
Neither is that blue line, baby.
[gasps]
-Oh, hey, Rolph. -Guten Morgen, Master Carter.
We're having a baby! [laughs]
We don't even have insurance.
We don't have a bloody job.
You work at the makeup store.
[Portia sighs] Yes, Frank.
By "we," I actually mean you.
I need money to go to the doctor.
I spent all our money on pregnancy tests.
Welp, that's my cue.
Uh, Rolph, I need to practice tying you up.
Ah, yes, Master Carter.
[gasps] What about the name "Babe," babe?
'Cause, like, that's what people who love each other
call each other.
And also the name of at least one pig.
[men] My best intentions can be my worst enemy.
I may have tried to do the right thing, but that doesn't mean that I was right.
Anything that is not growing is dead, and I will water the flower of my pain
to watch it grow into present purposefulness.
-Ye… yeah. Uh… -[gym door opens]
Oh! Must be seven. Saved by the ball.
Uh, that was great, guys. Deeply felt. Thank you. And-- Oh.
Okay, Rushy McRushersons.
Um, uh, gentlemen, I just--
I loved setting these intentions with you for the new year,
um, but just remember that a resolution is rarely resolved,
so just, like, be kind to yourselves.
Maybe give yourselves a soul hug.
Oh, oh, oh!
And, uh… just remember we're starting earlier next week.
And don't forget to bring clothes that you do not care about
because we are gonna be painting…
representations of our own subconscious misogyny…
um…
and it's gonna get messy.
So that's, um…
that's a-- that's a paint joke.
Good.
[Doug urinating, humming]
Isaac, my friend, that was a beautiful share today.
All right. See you next week, good.
[zips up]
-Hi. -[toilet flushes]
Oh!
Holy Green Eggs and Ham.
You are the sexiest stalker I have ever had.
[laughs] Nice quick change.
-Ah… I clean up okay. -[giggles]
You came to pick me up. That's, like, love.
-Or, like, like. Or friendly. -Well, I just want to get this over with.
Oh, come on. Everybody's gonna love you.
Yeah? What'd you tell 'em about me?
Um, okay, I told them that you were cute
and smart and a little bit evil.
Uh… which is just the way I like it.
And a dominatrix?
Well, you did tell everybody at school.
Yeah, but once people hear that, that's all they want to talk about.
So you'll make easy conversation.
I thought I was doing good.
Well, your best intentions can be your worst enemy.
Were you listening to the meeting? You're really not supposed to,
-it makes the guys feel self-conscious-- -Okay, come on. Button up.
Boys are waiting.
Kiss.
Save it for midnight.
[groans]
[grunts]
-[caveman voice] Doug like this. -Okay.
-Doug want for his finger. -Okay, you got it.
-Take your clothes. Let's go. -I don't need the clothes.
-Doug want pretty finger… -Okay.
…for pretty girl hands.
Oh, God, it's fucking freezing.
FYI, we're just staying until the ball drops,
and then we're gonna do some ball drops of our own.
Thank you for coming and complaining.
You love complaining. You're literally the New Year's baby.
Claws in, asshole.
You guys are gonna hate my friends. They're all so nice.
[man on bike] Watch out!
Doug, what the fuck are you doing? You're gonna get run over.
My body is made of steel.
A Mack truck couldn't take me down.
Come on, let's roll, squad.
-All aboard the Douglas Express. -Ah!
Oh, my goodness.
-Hey, ooh, we're a squad. -Yeah. We're in the squad, baby.
[men chanting] Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!
-[whoops] -Yeah!
-Homie's still got it!
What up, baby?
[indistinct conversations]
[upbeat music playing]
Frat culture is wild.
Okay, Pete, complete the knot.
Now?
Well, at least Doug has friends, unlike you two codependent freaks.
Oh, is Mr. Popular's Penguins
feeling a little self-conscious 'cause he was in a frat?
Can you believe this lady pledged?
Hey, I was only in it for the hazing.
-Oh, haze me, Daddy. -Let's go home.
Okay, this string is hard, but I did it perfectly at home.
-Right, Josh? -Mm-hmm.
Hello? Complete it.
Come on, our future livelihood depends on this.
Right.
Wait, do you guys remember the tripod?
Fuck yeah. Can we do it?
-Yeah. -I didn't realize I was on the clock.
[man] No. I'm usually on the right side. That's the problem.
There, okay?
Now you do me.
See how you do.
Come on.
-[man 1] Wait-- -[man 2] You got it.
[Doug] Tripod, baby!
Holy shit, that's really good.
[Doug] Trouble Bubble,
-come meet my pals. -Yeah!
-[snickers] -Great, more people
for him to accidentally introduce me as his girlfriend.
-You are his girlfriend. -Yeah, but she doesn't like labels.
-[Josh] Mm-hmm. -[Pete] Or people.
Or anything, really. [laughs]
She likes Doug.
Yeah, I've never seen her act like this around anybody.
-Except you? -Mm.
You know, I feel the same way.
About Doug?
Always a joke with you.
Gift and a curse.
-[man 2] It's almost midnight! -[crowd cheering]
You wanna practice our kiss?
-Yeah, sure. -Joshie boy?
Oh, shit!
Oh, my dude!
-Dickie, what up, my dude? -What the fuck are you doing
-at this shitshow? -Yo, I know fucking Doug, man.
-You know Big Doug? -Yeah.
-Oh, shit. -Hey, I'm Pete.
Oh, Dickie, this is my bro Pete.
-Your "bro"? -Word. Dap it out, Carrot Top.
Anyway, where is the missus? I'm dying to meet her.
Oh, dude, she went out of town with the girls. Like, some spa thang,
-you know? -Women love a fucking spa thing.
-Right? -Right?
Anyway, yo, fellas, come here.
Yo, this is my work brother Josh, all right?
His dad owns the fucking company. But don't worry, he's still fucking cool.
Shut up, dude.
[inaudible conversation]
[laughter]
Oh, we have heard so much about you.
Yeah. Everyone jokes Doug made you up 'cause no one's ever met you.
[laughs] But here you are, in the flesh.
Doug's girlfriend.
Well, his dominatrix girlfriend. I mean, bro, you hit the jackpot.
Ooh! Question: Have you ever seen Fifty Shades of Grey?
'Cause I watched it on a plane, and I was like,
"I'm gonna need a moment alone in the bathroom, please and thank you."
-[both laughing] -Hey, that's, um, not appropriate, guys.
Come on, bro. She's a dominatrix.
She doesn't care.
-Well, actually, it's a little-- -You and Gina…
-are like night and day. -Totally.
So different.
Can you believe you were engaged to that girl?
-[scoffs] -Left you for her rich-ass boss?
[laughs] What a bitch!
-[grunts] -Oh…
What?
[dramatic music]
Doug, I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
[Pete] Tiff? Tiff?
Tiff. Tiff, thank God.
Emergency. Emergency.
Something is very wrong with Josh.
Who is that?
Gina.
What, are you keeping secrets?
Dude, no. Like, you know, I'm always, like, straight up with you…
[crowd] Ten, nine,
eight,
seven,
six,
five,
four,
three, two,
one.
Happy--
[instrumental music plays] 'm always, like, straight up with you…