[crowd murmuring]
[microphone feedback squeals]
Knock knock.
[man coughs]
Okay, I'll say it.
Who's there?
[scattered booing]
[man] Yo, tell a joke.
Bamm-Bamm.
It's me…
Fred.
[laughs]
[woman] This is awkward.
-[man] You fucking suck! -Thank you.
One more minute, and he gets the hook.
He's literally getting off on the public humiliation of bombing.
He's the next Andy Kaufman.
And he's about to run the patrons out of my new damn club.
I didn't use the money from that civil action suit
against the talcum powder industry
to open my own female-owned-and-operated comedy club
just so that Eraserhead over there can drive my crowds out.
Well, he's my opening act, and as the headliner
on your biggest night, I'm pretty sure those paying customers are here for me.
[scoffs] Well, well, well.
Aren't we getting a little big for our leather britches?
[Fred] …cross the road?
Apologies.
It's been a weird start to the year. I…
I saw Josh shotgun a beer.
[gasps]
I'm sorry for your loss.
[laughs] Okay, that's pretty good.
-I'm gonna use that. -[man] Get off the stage!
I mean, writing jokes is probably not the best approach
to your problems, but okay.
-[man] I paid money for this. -[Fred] I'm terrible.
-I'll fucking hit you, man. -Yeah, yeah, hit me, please.
Wha--? Yeah. No, don't. Yes.
Oh, fuck.
-What did you say? -[Fred] Hit me.
-Wish me luck. -Good luck.
[man] This guy's a fucking weirdo.
Hit me. Hit me. You're my dad.
Are you my dad? Hit me, Father, please.
-You're a fucking creep. -Hit me, Mommy.
-Get the fuck off the stage, man. -I'm a creep, and I don't deserve to live.
Kill me. Kick me. Punch me.
-[Murphy] Sir! Sir! -Yeah. Pinch me. Pinch my nipples.
Hi. Sir? Can you get off the fucking stage, please?
-This fucking guy sucks. -Thank you.
I mean, this isn't "insert sporting event here."
-[scattered laughter] -So, thank you.
Men will fight about anything.
What, you didn't think he was funny, so you threaten to kill him?
-What is this, social media? -[all laughing]
Okay, let's give a round of boos
for our resident lovable creep, Fred.
[all booing]
[exhales]
How'd I do, boss?
Six feet under, Freddy. Six feet under.
[Murphy] Okay, well, I would like to go home,
so it's time for our final act.
Let's give a round of applause for the one,
the lonely, Master Carter.
[crowd cheering]
[whip crack]
My man.
[sighs] Got a little freek-a-leek on the 15th floor who wants me
to "take a look at some files." Yeah.
Sometimes you gotta go up to get down, you know?
-[giggles] -[laughs weakly]
Yeah. Where you running off to tonight, huh?
You gonna tap that lady ass of yours from the…
blap, blap, blap, blap.
-Ha. No, Dickie, actually, it's not-- -Sorry.
I didn't mean any disrespect to your lady.
I'm sure the two of you make love or whatever, you know.
Connecticut kink. [snickers]
-Something like that. -Yeah. Which is beautiful, you know.
Me, on the other hand, well, later tonight,
I'm gonna get up with this little Dominican thing
that I vibed with at the silent auction for the Lyme disease benefit.
-Mm. -Yeah.
She wants to make it a steady thing, but your boy has a lot of love to give.
[chuckles]
And by "a lot of love," well, you know why they call me Dickie.
[laughs]
Your parents named you Richard?
No. My name's Mark.
I told you that at the one-on-ones at the retreat two years ago.
-That was a vulnerable moment for me, man. -Oh, no, no, right. Yeah, of course.
-Yeah, you know, Mark, that's my-- -Your grandfather.
It's my uncle.
It's my favorite uncle, but whatever.
By the way, who was that Raggedy Andy you were with on New Year's?
-[elevator dings] -Huh?
He was kind of a buzzkill, dude.
This is me. [sighs]
Nice chat, Dickie. Have a good night.
It's 'cause I have a big dick.
That's why they call me Dickie.
Oh, wow. Did you hear that?
[laughter]
So, I went home to Georgia for the holidays.
[crowd] Ooh.
Did I say you could speak?
-[whispers] You can speak after the show. -[laughter]
Went home to Georgia. My parents know all about me, by the way.
It took them a lot of work, but they've finally come to terms
with the fact that…
I'm a comedian.
[laughter]
Just kidding. That I'm gay.
Just kidding. They're bigots.
That I'm a dom.
They actually love my leather lifestyle, maybe a little bit too much.
Because they have questions.
Like, "Carter, is this the correct form
when I'm peggin' your father?"
[laughing]
M'kay. It's okay.
It's okay because before, when I would watch her fuck him,
I was no use at all.
But now, I can really coach her on hitting his prostate.
"A little to the left, Mom."
[laughing]
So, I guess you could say, thanks to me, Christmas
and my father came early.
[laughter]
Speaking of butt sex,
Murphy introduced me as lonely, but I do, in fact, have a boyfriend.
[crowd] Ooh.
Yeah, I have a boyfriend,
so now I'm still lonely,
but with an anal fissure.
-[laughing] -Yeah, it's really bad.
I went to my doctor, and he was like,
"Sir, you now have two buttholes."
And it's fine. I like it. I call them my twins.
And I can tell them apart
because one is always bleeding.
[laughing]
[Pete] Yeah.
My boyfriend recently confided in me a secret.
He said, "Carter, I'm actually not out of the closet
in some circles."
And I said, "Babe, that's okay,
as long as those circles
do not include your asshole, mouth, or ears. Okay?"
[laughing]
My kink is listening.
[knocking on door]
You were great up there.
I'm not sure your parents would love it, but…
Well, they don't leave the house, much less travel, so…
Well, you don't know.
You could get all big-timey and famous.
From your lips to my high school bully's ears.
[laughs]
Speaking of parents,
my dad is--
How do I say this? Conservative.
And with my mom, you know, he's all I got.
So, I don't want it this way, but I have to compartmentalize to live--
Keep your job and secure your inheritance?
-Right? -Ooh. Don't be mean, meanie.
-Ooh. Don't lie to me, maybe? -Okay.
I'm sorry.
I wanna do it.
I'm just not as brave as you.
[chuckles awkwardly]
I talk about you,
like, all the time to everybody.
Mmm?
I just call you…
-Patricia. -Oh, what am I, the head of the PTA?
[Josh] Oh, yeah, you are. That's just my type, baby.
Hey, don't get all sexy with me right now, please.
I feel like I don't even know you anymore.
You know me.
[moans softly]
-Okay, before you bite my ear off… -What? I'm hungry.
You can lie to other people…
but you can't lie to me.
My Valentine's Day card for the ages.
It was actually kinda hot in, like, a self-hating kind of way.
Oh, really?
Yeah? Was it hot, bro, for you?
Yeah, bro. A little bit, bro.
Just a classic brodown, homie.
Yeah, just tackle me into the dugout.
-[laughs] -Oh. Those are two different sports, bro.
Ah.
I mean, I totally understand if you don't wanna talk about it, but…
[sighs]
I can't really explain it myself. It's, like, seeing Gina again,
it's just like this huge weight was lifted.
Zing.
Anyways, I was just sort of always dreading it
because we were, like, engaged, you know?
-[Tiff] Yeah, I know. -[glass shattering]
Oh. So close.
Anyways, so now, I just feel sorry for her because she's, like, back here alone,
trying to start her life over,
and I have you.
-Fuck me to hell! -Hey, it's okay. Let me show you.
No, I don't need you to mansplain darts to me, Doug, okay?
Also, you don't "have" me.
You don't own me.
Okay, that is not-y what I meant-y.
Also, it's my turn.
Tough shit, I'm still throwing.
[glass shattering]
Furthermore, if you did have me,
you would have thrown me up against a wall at midnight
instead of wiping Gina's tears.
Uh, you told me to talk to her, so I did.
Yeah. I was testing you, Doug.
Get a clue.
Tiffany Elizabeth Chester,
are you jealous?
[laughs]
I'm sorry. Jealous?
No, I don't care.
But, you know, if I did care, I would say that,
yeah, when your boyfriend is comforting his ex-fiancée
when he should be playing tonsil hockey with you,
it might constitute for a tiny, nagging ping of jealousy.
-Hmm? -Uh-huh.
"Boyfriend"?
-What? -Oh, did you just call me your boyfriend?
I have to go to class.
It's winter break. We don't have class for three weeks--
Domme class, Doug!
[Mira] All right, ladies. Ties?
-Good. -Okay.
-[Mira] Very good. -Yep.
-[Mira] Hmm. -[Charlotte] Hmm.
-[Mira] Mm-hmm. -[Charlotte] Mm-hmm.
-[Mira] Mm-hmm. -[Charlotte] All right.
-[Mira] Okay. -[Charlotte] Okay.
[Pete clears throat]
May. Carter.
Decent enough.
We'll take it.
[Mira] Let's begin.
Mira keeps these floors too clean. You should go in the hallway.
He said he wanted dirty, not contaminated.
This works.
Your arches are flawless.
Thank you.
-Are you her slave? -Oh. [scoffs]
She wishes. I'm Carter.
Kassandra.
I'm Mistress Lola.
Mmm.
-May. -We know.
Our reputation precedes us.
[Mira] Good afternoon, mistresses.
We'll begin class in a moment. But first, an announcement:
I've had to remove your website links off the house site.
-[all] What? -[Mira] Don't grumble at me.
Call your congressional reps. This is FOSTA-SESTA.
Sweet Charlotte, please make sure we have everyone's e-mail address.
Yes, mistress. Lola?
After class, please.
[shoos]
Now, how many of you have done puppy-play scenes?
Puppy play. We're really jumping off the deep end
-right off the bat. -Shh.
I like to begin here because I think it safely gets
at the heart of what we encounter,
not only in our line of work but in the world at large:
ownership.
Do I look like a Patricia to you?
-Be honest. -Shh. Pete, not now.
He calls me Patricia to his straight friends.
Aren't I at least a… a Harper? An Amelia?
-An Imogen? -Shh!
-Definitely not an Imogen. -Oh, whatever.
Plus, we have to concentrate, and… I'm dealing with my own shit with Doug.
Like what?
-I accidentally called him my boyfriend. -What?
-Shh. -[clears throat]
[fake coughs]
Come here.
Just May.
[quietly] Good luck.
My, that's a beautiful collar.
Thank you.
Show the class your collar.
Can anyone in the room tell me what this collar means?
She's a submissive.
That's right. Or she's owned.
Are you owned, May?
[all chuckling]
Hmm. Off, then.
[barking]
-Collars are for subs… -[cage door opening]
[panting]
slaves…
[sniffing, pawing]
…and Benson.
[all gasping]
Oh!
You wanna pet him?
You can't.
Remember, ladies, even dogs can give consent,
so be intentional with your role-play.
Your control of the scene is deemed by your actions,
not your attitude.
Who wants to play with Benson?
-I do. I do. I do. -Me.
Ooh.
[all gasping, cooing]
-Hey, you. -You are so cute!
Stay.
Hold this.
[Benson barking]
The one who has the food owns the dog.
[Benson panting]
You wanted to be the most powerful person in the room.
Well, now you are.
Look at them, playing.
-Down. -[Mira] It's fun, right?
-[woman 1] Benson. -[woman 2] Down.
[Mira] If you wanna have fun, put the bowl down.
Any one of these girls would die to hold it.
Power is a responsibility, not a privilege, May.
Your collar is off.
Feed him when you're ready to accept that.
[Benson whimpers]
Stay.
[whining]
Eat your food.
[bell dings]
My girlfriend.
Tiff, hi.
I'm not staying.
I just wanted to apologize
for bogarting Doug's time the other night.
Oh. Um…
Yeah, it's okay.
And I wanted to give you this.
Rose quartz.
Love, trust, harmony, and all that other bullshit.
I'm off to see an apartment.
The city is truly dismantling my chakras already. Bye.
[Doug] Hey, sorry I didn't give you a heads-up about that.
She just really wanted to come and apologize.
You hungry?
[dance music playing]
Okay, that's enough looking for you.
Hey, we can look if we look together.
Is that a new rule?
Mm-hmm. My rule.
Put this on me?
Um… what does this even mean?
It means you own me…
bro.
Down, boy.
[instrumental music plays] ean?