[dance music playing]
[men whooping, whistling]
You're doing great, Frank!
Thankful for the words of encouragement, roomie,
but a dollar would be nicer.
Oh. Okay. Wow.
She's a businesswoman.
You wanna do it?
Yeah, Frank!
Make it rain.
Slow day,
but a satisfactory, lubed entry into the go-go boy experience.
Don't worry. It'll get way crazier later.
[gasps]
Peter Carter Patricia Devin.
How dare you bring up my fictional female form?
It is so crazy to me how gay people just have bars
where they go, and they do whatever the fuck they want,
and nobody judges them.
Oh, it's the most judgmental place in the world,
but that's the way we like it.
Portia, will you please let the nice gentleman touch my ass?
I'm finding my purpose.
Fine, but you keep your fingers out of there,
or you'll be going home with nubs.
Excuse her. She might be pregnant.
Might.
Portia and I were taking the showdown to the hoedown last night,
and I was like, "Whoa, the fetus.
Are we having a threesome?"
[Frank laughs]
Can you ask the bartender for a glass of red?
Portia, we talked about this.
How about we just start with some water? Hmm?
Mmm. Yum. [chuckles softly]
Okay, back to my boyfriend telling me
that he loves me.
Okay, or we could talk about me and my half-closeted boyfriend
whose straight persona is somehow turning me on,
which, personally, is way worse to me than your hot,
seemingly fully straight boyfriend
professing his devotion to you by way of his art.
It was right before class. What was I supposed to do?
-That's funny. -Do not write that down.
This is my story, not yours.
Our story, but fine.
Also, hold up. I thought you said we didn't have class.
-What? -Pete. [sighs]
Oh.
A lie.
[inhales deeply]
So, what? You didn't want me to come?
Ever since we started doing this Mira thing--
No, it's Mistress Mira.
See? I'm taking this seriously.
You have to too.
Do you not want to do this with me anymore?
Uh...
You don't even wanna be a dom. You wanna be a comedian.
You wanna be a therapist.
Tiff, I'm sorry,
my whole stand-up act is based on our job.
We have to keep doing it.
Okay. Well, that's exactly why I think--
-[cell phone vibrating] -Shit! He won't stop calling me.
Oh, my God. Give it to me.
Doug, hi. First, Tiff is trying to start a fight with me,
her actual codependent life partner.
And second,
she's taken the cowardly, yes, but universally accepted 24 hours
after a significant other first says "I love you"
to consider moving to Mexico and never being heard from again.
I think you should take this.
-Hello? -Tiff, it's Gina.
I've been trying to reach you all day.
Doug was hit by a taxi.
[medical monitor beeping]
[groans] Oh, shit.
I must be dead
'cause a beautiful angel just flew into my room.
How are you feeling?
It's like, um, you know, water polo,
which a lot of people don't realize is a very underrated
and undervalued sport.
It's really hard 'cause…
you have to tread water for, like, ever,
and if you have the ball, everybody tries to drown you.
And, like, I'm the guy with the ball,
and I'm drowning.
-I'm drowning. -He's pretty loopy from all the drugs.
What is he on?
The fibula broke the skin, so I'm pretty sure he's on everything.
Sorry about all the crystals.
They aren't even really for him.
Look at that.
The two women I loved
who didn't love me back.
[sighs] Grow up, Doug.
I'm just playing.
I'm playing. Playing myself!
[chuckles]
Don't move.
-I'm-- -You wanna break anything else?
My body is made of steel, Virginia.
I'm Superman.
I fell off the roof in college.
Gave me an all-steel body.
Check it.
Yeah, apparently not, Mr. Invincible.
Where's Mistress May?
Oh, um...
That's me. Sort of. Yeah.
I painted my hand, Miffany.
Yeah, I know.
I didn't break my hand.
[knocking at door]
Jaywalking, as always.
A broken leg and a pretty bad knock to the head.
They wanna monitor him overnight
just to make sure he's normally such an idiot.
Are you Mr. Miles's fiancée?
Apparently, I'm still on all his emergency contact info.
Ex-fiancée.
And who are you?
Oh, I'm…
um...
his girlfriend.
He must really lay the pipe.
[Doug] Oh, my God.
[voice breaking] I have two hands.
I'm checking his vitals. He's having a truly insane reaction to these drugs.
[Doug] Two hands!
Do you smoke pot?
Yeah.
[dance music playing]
Hey there.
Ugh. So many layers.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Oh, shit.
[eerie woodwind music playing]
You dropped that, dude.
Holy shit.
-Hey, man. -What's up, sexy?
Whoa.
-What are you doing over there? -Yeah, I thought I'd see you here.
Really? I'm that predictable?
-[man] You are. Oh, my God. -I don't know.
[Frank] This is like that movie.
-The one where-- -Pete.
Oh, my God.
You are about to meet you.
This is some Lindsay Lowman shit I just can't handle.
Pete…
this is Patrick.
Nice to meet you, man.
Patricia.
[Tiff] Are you sure we can do this?
-[Gina] Who cares? -[Tiff laughs]
[Gina] Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on. Pause.
You would mail men your panties?
Mm-hmm. [giggles]
Yeah, I mean, eventually, I would, you know, meet up with them
at, like, Starbucks or something like that,
and then…
Yeah, I would, like, go to the bathroom
and then come out and present them to them.
Like, a little sweat in them, wet,
just a little bit of pee.
Honey, you have lived.
[laughs]
And what would you make?
I don't know. It depends. Usually, like, 100 bucks.
Oh, I need to start doing that.
Right?
And then I met this domme, Mistress Mira,
and, I don't know, something just… clicked, you know?
She made me feel…
confident and strong and powerful.
Everything that I really wasn't.
Then…
Yeah, I don't know. It helps pay for grad school.
What do you need grad school for? What you do now sounds so much better.
[laughs]
-Yeah. -[Gina chuckling]
I think that sometimes.
You know I don't love him, right?
Like, really, I don't.
I mean, I have love for him, but…
I don't think I actually was ever really in love with him.
It's wild to be back in the hospital with him.
We started dating, like,
three weeks before he fell off that fucking roof.
I'm a senior fucking a freshman,
so I'm already living in shame.
-[laughs] -And then, oops,
this little boy's all laid up in a hospital,
with no one around and no one to help.
And I just thought, "I can't leave him alone."
So I didn't.
I sat with him every day.
I took care of him.
'Cause, I don't know, I thought I had to, which is dumb, maybe.
The first year we dated, I was his nurse,
his family, his everything…
But I never really felt like his girlfriend.
[Pete] What the fuck is going on?
-What are you talking about? -[scoffs]
He looks just like me, and his name is Patricia.
-[Josh] His name is Patrick. -Don't play dumb with me, fuckface.
What? We dated. Who cares?
It was just easier to keep Patricia as the code name. Sue me.
Am I causing a problem? I…
Uh...
You don't think we look, like, exactly the same?
Yeah, Josh has a type.
-[sighs] -Oh.
Well, I didn't know that.
I didn't know I was one of many Little Orphan Annies
that Josh was picking up and then sending back to Miss Hannigan
when he was done fucking our brains out.
Pete, stop.
And I didn't know that, on our first date, when you said I wasn't special,
you actually fucking meant it.
Hey.
Can I kiss you?
[scoffs, laughs]
Excuse me?
Can I kiss you?
[Pete] Um...
Why?
You are so beautiful.
It's like giving yourself a compliment, but…
thank you.
[snoring]
You know, that whole year, we didn't have sex.
-What? No. -Yes.
-The man was in a full-body cast. -How?
I mean, what the hell was I supposed to do,
climb on top?
[both laughing]
Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
So, when he got better,
he asked me to marry him,
which is a classic shit Doug move.
He thought he was rewarding me for all the time I stayed by his side.
You know, it's so fucked up.
The most precious thing a man thinks he can give a woman
is his ownership, his name, his security.
Hello?
I was your security, you clown.
But back then, I didn't know I could say no,
so I said yes.
And then a big, old,
emphasis on old,
rich man said,
"Let me take care of you for a change."
And no one had ever said that to me before…
so I left.
And then that went belly-up too, for opposite reasons, and I just thought,
"You know, maybe it's not them, it's me."
So I went to an ashram
and started carrying around bags and bags of crystals.
[laughing]
So, what is that?
I don't know. They make me happy.
Someone said,
"Come, live a different life,"
and I said…
"Yes,"
and it was an honest yes.
I look like a bad person to a lot of people,
but I finally did what was best for me.
Yeah, I…
I don't think I've ever really been good at caring for other people.
Oh, God.
I don't mean to scare you away from this man.
He's a good man.
As far as men go, he's quality beef.
He's just not my man.
But, honey,
when that full-body cast came off, he really shut it down.
-Right? -Oh, my God.
He, like, really knows what he's doing.
-Yes. -Shocking.
I know!
If I remember it correctly,
it's thick.
-So thick. -Oh, my God.
I mean, I was like--
Right at first, I was like, "Excuse me, get that beer can away from me, please."
-And then… -And then…
Yeah.
[both chuckling softly]
Do you love him?
I don't know if I can.
I mean, I'm still working on that for myself.
[monitor beeping]
This is really hot.
Yeah, what do you wanna do with us?
Yeah, what do you want to do with us?
-Your little boy twins. -Your little boy twi-- What?
Twins. Go with it, Pete.
Actually, you know what? I don't wanna do a twin thing.
-I'm not really into that. -Pete, he's just talking dirty, baby.
It's too dirty for me. I wanna bleach that dirty talk.
-Okay. -Aren't you a dom?
Yeah, but that's, like, beside the point.
-[sighs] -I don't wanna do a twincest thing,
so keep twincest in your family, where it belongs.
Pete, Pete, Pete. Pete.
Come on, bro.
Come on.
[chuckles] You know what? I'm actually, like, not really into this.
[Josh] Yeah. No. Um...
Yeah. No, you're, um... You're right. I'm sorry.
[Pete] I'm just really weirded out right now.
[Josh] Okay.
Patrick…
I think you should go.
[scoffs]
Oh, I'm... [chuckles]
Oh, I'm going.
Yeah, believe me, I am going.
You're weirded out? You?
I'm fucking weirded out by you two.
So close-minded and, and, and... judgmental.
It's called role-play, queer.
And I am triggered as fuck.
I will tell you. Because I had a twin…
who died in the womb.
So you have disrespected
my brother's unborn life.
Okay, that's problematic on so many levels.
Yeah, well, you're fucking problematic.
-Come on. -You fucking fake-ass sex worker.
[laughs]
Parading around like you do this for a living
for your comedy show.
-That's right. -Don't throw that.
I looked your pale ass up online
'cause I'm like that.
[objects clattering]
Fucking judgmental, sex-negative asshole!
-Patrick. -My books.
I'm so sorry.
Good luck with your closeted boyfriend who fetishizes small redheaded boys.
I hope you think of me every time you fuck.
Okay. Wow.
You know what?
Oh! Come on.
Get a fucking door!
How long did you two date for?
Um, two years.
Was he always that crazy?
Yeah.
We have a lot to talk about.
["Lift Off" by Adam Crystal playing] fuck.