[Josh] Dad.
Dad.
Dad!
This is Pete.
Pete's my friend.
My… good friend.
Hello… Pete. John Paul.
Josh has something he wants to tell you.
I can't. I can't.
Does this have something to do with you?
Yes.
Joshua…
I understand what this is.
And I know the way that you're feeling right now.
I do.
I knew the minute you walked in this room
what was going on.
And I want you to know something.
I'm not mad at you.
I'm relieved.
I'm kinky, Josh.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Kinky sub masochist,
owned by my mistress, blissfully so.
I've wanted to tell you for so long.
Dad, what the fuck are you talking about?
That's how I know your friend, Carter.
Pete?
-You know each other? -No.
I mean, kind of. I didn't know I knew him until--
Are you fucking kidding me?
Isn't that why you brought him?
-Are you fucking kidding me? -Josh, no, this is a good thing.
You both have a secret.
He's kinky. You're gay.
You both can be free.
You're what?
[muffled] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
-You're--? -I'm sorry. Baby, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I've been… I've been thinking
about how this would go for…
years now.
And you…
of all people…
ruined it.
[chortles]
[sniffs] Dad, I'm gay.
Joshua, what you do privately is your own business--
-Here we go. Here we fucking go. -That is next-level hypocritical.
Well, I'm trying to be open, but the Bible says--
What does the Bible say about your fucked-up sex life?
When you think about it, Jesus was basically a masochist.
[scoffs]
If Mom were alive, she would be so disgusted by you.
Back at you, kiddo.
And for your information,
your mother was the one who got me hooked on all this.
Wait. Josh, come on, wait!
Never call me again, Pete--
Carter, whatever your stupid name is. I should have never told anyone.
I should have just kept it inside, and then I wouldn't have to hear
about my perverted-ass father and his twisted life.
Can you guys hear yourselves?
You and your dad are more alike than you think.
We're done… forever.
Well, that sounds like a fucking plan.
[singing indistinctly]
What is the hubbub here, huh?
[exhales]
I love cock.
My brother, wow.
That's beautiful, man.
Come here. Yo.
Mark is gay, so I support you on a very personal level.
[sniffles]
Who's Mark?
It's my uncle. My namesake?
Wow, you know, uh… I don't care if you're gay or anything,
but, bro, you are self-involved as fuck, all right?
Shit.
Nobody works around here?
Afternoon, Rolph.
Mistress.
Master Carter is not here at the moment.
Place, um… looks nice.
Thank you.
Is Master Carter treating you well?
Mistress, I made a mistake.
I destroyed your trust in me.
And for that, I am very sorry.
Yeah, well…
turns out I made some mistakes, too.
But I guess we learn from them.
I'm trying.
Me too.
-Hey, Rolph… -Yeah?
clean this shit up.
Hmm?
Going somewhere?
Oh, you know, just a quick trip back to London for the rest of my life.
Never to be seen or heard from again.
So, the doctor went well, then?
Miscarried.
Are you gonna tell Frank?
I got pregnant once.
Senior year of high school.
I didn't tell a soul,
not even Pete.
Well…
especially not Pete.
[chuckles]
I mean…
could you imagine us as parents?
Total shitshow.
Yeah, we had sex one time…
in a car on prom night, actually.
No. [chuckles]
[Tiff chuckles] Yeah.
I terminated the pregnancy, like, right after graduation.
Then we went to college. I mean, he didn't know a thing.
He called me every single day that semester,
just to talk about his new life and ask about mine, and…
I never picked up the phone.
Yeah, I hate talking on the phone, too.
I think…
what I'm trying to say is…
um…
leave Frank a note.
Or at least answer the phone when he calls you.
I don't regret the abortion or the secrecy or anything like that, but…
I do regret not picking up the phone.
I mean, he just loved me.
And I thought that because of the decision I made,
I was unworthy of his love.
It's so dumb to me now, but…
God, I still feel so guilty
for abandoning him, like, all these years later.
I… literally pay him to hang out with me.
[laughs]
Well, technically, to work with me.
But, I mean, he doesn't even know what the hell we're doing.
Yeah, whose fault is that, though?
Pete. I--
Yeah. Funny story.
Maybe you could tell it to me sometime.
I have a comedy show.
Pete. Pete, wait.
Don't come in here, Tiff. I'm changing.
-I was gonna tell you all of this. -Yeah, when?
When you were excluding me from our job that you only pay me for
because you feel guilty?
No, that's not what I meant. I just--
I thought that you would never want to talk to me again.
I-- I don't know. I just-- I wanted to--
To own me…
so then you could discard me.
Again.
No, that's not what I'm doing.
It sure seems like it is.
No, Pete, I'm rebuilding my reputation.
You have comedy. I have this.
I just wanna say…
your body, your life, your everything,
none of that bothers me.
But it bothers me that you did it alone.
That all I ever wanted to do was help,
and you wouldn't even let me do that.
And it really…
It really bothers me…
that even in this moment,
I'm still thinking about you more than I'm thinking about me.
But… I guess that's, like…
the whole problem with me, right?
Josh and I broke up today,
which is, like, not even the half of it.
-Oh, Pete, I'm sorry. -Funny, right?
Kind of fun. You know, give me something to talk about.
Not that you care. I mean, you never even once
came to my shows.
Maybe I'll riff on, um…
[scoffs]
What was that thing you said?
Oh, yeah…
how I'd be such a shitshow parent, too.
Glad we're both in on the joke now.
Pete…
Diva, you're on in five.
I don't want to go on.
[clears throat]
This is an inconvenient time for doubt.
I mean, after Josh today… I thought I would feel heartbroken,
but I just feel numb.
Well, yeah, it's called compartmentalizing.
-Welcome to adulthood. -'Cause it hit me that…
Tiff and Josh are very different people,
but, for me, they're the same.
Controlling people who need me until they don't.
Who love me until they can't.
I mean, why do I want to get treated like that?
Mmm…
Listen.
There's an agent in the audience tonight,
and he's not here to see Fred.
[chuckles softly]
Do you even think I'm good at this?
We have a packed house of people
in enough leather to put the beef industry to shame.
That's Carter.
I mean me, Pete.
Am I good at this?
As far as I'm concerned, they're the same guy.
What if they aren't?
Well then, you're more talented than I thought.
Come on.
Murphy, in your set, your wife is off-limits.
What if I don't know my limits?
Find out.
[laughter]
That wasn't even a joke.
This isn't supposed to be funny.
Y'all suck!
[laughter, applause]
All right. Um, one more time for Fred!
[cheering]
Okay. And, finally…
Terrible crowd! They wouldn't know funny if it hit 'em in the dick.
…half-naked in ten-degree weather,
my redheaded sister and everyone's favorite twink dom,
let's give it up for Master Carter!
[cheers and applause]
Master Carter.
[clears throat] Carter?
Y'all like my mask?
My boyfriend's dad bought it for me.
Well, now ex-boyfriend.
Gays are so obsessed with daddies,
but the minute someone's actual father buys you a leather mask,
all the daddy fantasies really fly out the window.
[scattered laughs]
Let me tell you. I actually recently,
and I mean, like, today recently,
not comedian recently,
I found out that, at one point,
[scoffs] …I was almost a literal daddy.
[laughter]
You know, like… [grunts]
Me. Yeah. Wait, what's funny?
Okay, I've got swimmers!
I've had sex with one woman,
one time,
and egg to sperm, womb to tomb,
we made impact, baby!
I mean, a real fuck-you to all the couples out there trying to conceive.
[chuckling] I mean,
because this Flamin' Hot Cheeto
and his best gal pal,
we hit a home run on our first time at bat.
[mimics bat contact]
I think that was a baseball reference. I'm not sure.
Maybe I'm straight now!
[laughing]
[Pete] Oh, God.
Can you imagine me as a father?
A leather daddy. [chuckles]
And my friend as its domme mom. Oh.
Two freaks, and I say freaks in the most complimentary way possible,
raising a "wittle dominatwix" baby.
[laughter]
[Pete] Its crib is a sling.
[laughing]
Hmm? Okay. Its-- A timeout is getting hog-tied.
Hmm?
Wait, a spanking is a reward?
Oh! Oh, can you fucking imagine?
Can you imagine our child showing up for picture day
in his little harness?
Oh, my.
The one problem…
the one problem we would have is if he ever came out to us.
He'd be like, "Mom, Dad,
I like missionary position."
[all laughing]
"Not my son! Argh!
You'll never set foot in this dungeon again!"
I mean, we would be the worst, most punishing parents ever,
and the kid wouldn't even get off on it. I mean…
thank God she didn't keep it.
[laughing]
[applause]
Oh, man.
-Oh, you killed it in there. -Really?
Oh, man, the crowd was, like, on their feet.
And that kid-dom stuff was so fucking funny.
I've never heard it before, and it blew me away.
-Tiff. -Mistress May.
Can you give us a minute?
Did you watch?
Yeah, I did.
Tiff, I'm so sorry for earlier.
I know it's been a tough day, but look what just came from it.
You think that that was funny?
Um, well, a whole audience of people did,
so not to toot my own horn,
but a-toot-toot. [laughs]
[Tiff] Look…
Pete, I'm sorry that I roped you into my life.
I took you down a road, most oftentimes without your consent,
that made you believe you were part of this community of people,
so much so that you thought you had permission to make fun of us
in front of an entire group of strangers.
I mean, dommes… are real people
with lives and families and partners,
just like Mira.
Just like I could have one day if I so choose.
Tiff, it was a joke.
Yeah, my life is not a fucking joke, Pete.
And this is exactly why I didn't want to work with you.
I… I guess I just didn't have the heart to tell you.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I just…
didn't realize how careless you could be with mine.
Like, this whole thing,
this is not your story to tell.
This is my story
that you used to be a part of.
Star! I have someone who wants to see you.
Oh. I'm sorry.
-Am I interrupting? -No.
-I was just going. -Tiff.
Ti--
Wow, wow, wow!
That was fun!
Carter, this is Martin Ley, the agent I was telling you about.
You really are something else.
Such a hilarious take on a world I know nothing about.
-[Murphy chuckles] -[Martin] Ooh, the mask.
May I?
Used to have terrible acne as a teen.
This thing would've helped me bag some babes.
Blah!
[laughing]
You should swing by the office sometime, have a little chat.
I'd love to see you.
Um, yeah.
Sorry. What was your name?
You, uh, didn't return my calls, so I just wanted to make sure
you were not dead and still just mad at me.
I got here on my own, no help from ex-fiancées.
And I'm sorry.
[sobs]
[continues sobbing] , no help from ex-fiancées.