1 00:00:14,875 --> 00:00:17,166 Do you know where we're going? 2 00:00:17,250 --> 00:00:19,958 -Yoshi, knock it off. -Take second exit after exit. 3 00:00:20,041 --> 00:00:22,916 "Second exit after exit?" What could that possibly-- 4 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:26,333 So that's a no. We're lost. I'm an orphan and we're lost. 5 00:00:26,416 --> 00:00:27,541 Grief is perplexing, 6 00:00:27,625 --> 00:00:30,625 but I don't think one of the perplexing parts should be directions. 7 00:00:30,708 --> 00:00:32,958 We wouldn't need directions if you'd followed the hearse. 8 00:00:33,041 --> 00:00:35,041 He was weaving all over. 9 00:00:35,125 --> 00:00:38,041 Was he trying to get us killed? More business for the hearses. 10 00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:40,791 Mom! Tell Yoshi to cut it out. 11 00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:42,458 Elliott, I'm bereaved. 12 00:00:42,541 --> 00:00:44,500 -Kids, can you not, for one day? -"Kids"? 13 00:00:44,583 --> 00:00:46,500 -What kids? -There's bereavement happening. 14 00:00:46,583 --> 00:00:48,750 Yoshi's pinching me. I should suffer in silence? 15 00:00:48,833 --> 00:00:52,833 Yes, that is what today is about. We are all suffering in silence. 16 00:00:52,916 --> 00:00:55,500 Yoshi, your sister is not a Bop It! 17 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:57,416 It was a lovely service. 18 00:00:57,500 --> 00:01:00,291 For someone. I don't know who the rabbi was talking about. 19 00:01:00,375 --> 00:01:02,916 He does a lot of eulogies. He must work off a template-- 20 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,666 A template? I'm sorry. But you go to a shul for 50 years, 21 00:01:06,750 --> 00:01:09,125 I think you're entitled to something more bespoke than a Mad Libs. 22 00:01:09,208 --> 00:01:10,083 You're not wrong. 23 00:01:10,166 --> 00:01:12,166 Excuse me for suggesting a professional rabbi 24 00:01:12,250 --> 00:01:15,000 put some elbow grease into the last words on my mother. 25 00:01:15,083 --> 00:01:17,166 There's our hearse! Or is it that hearse? 26 00:01:17,250 --> 00:01:19,500 Just pick one. They're going to the same place. 27 00:01:19,583 --> 00:01:22,333 At least now Bubbe can be with Grandpa again. 28 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:25,833 Avi, there's no "with." There's no "again." It's over. 29 00:01:25,916 --> 00:01:27,958 -Jews don't believe in Heaven. -Oh. 30 00:01:28,041 --> 00:01:30,833 -I think what your mother means… -I said what I mean. 31 00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:33,625 …is that for Jews, we focus on this life. Hm? 32 00:01:33,708 --> 00:01:36,875 You don't live a good, meaningful life for some reward later. 33 00:01:36,958 --> 00:01:41,208 You live a good, meaningful life so that you live a good, meaningful life. 34 00:01:41,291 --> 00:01:45,750 Is that it? You'd think Jews could have negotiated a better deal. 35 00:01:48,375 --> 00:01:49,416 Ow! 36 00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:52,541 Yoshi, I swear to God, this is why Jews don't go to Heaven! 37 00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:47,666 Okay, not this part. 38 00:02:48,666 --> 00:02:49,833 Almost. 39 00:02:50,875 --> 00:02:52,791 There. There. Did you hear it? 40 00:02:52,875 --> 00:02:55,250 Um, what am I supposed to be hearing? 41 00:02:55,333 --> 00:02:57,916 He's singing about this girl when he was young. He's remembering. 42 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,708 They had fun. They had money. They had a son, called him Sonny. 43 00:03:00,791 --> 00:03:02,291 -And then. the next line… -Uh-huh. 44 00:03:02,375 --> 00:03:04,916 Sonny gets married and moves away. 45 00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:06,416 All right. 46 00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:09,791 Sonny gets married and moves away? He was just born! How did he… 47 00:03:09,875 --> 00:03:12,083 It's because that's time, right? 48 00:03:12,166 --> 00:03:14,041 Like, one moment, you're young, free, 49 00:03:14,125 --> 00:03:18,291 next thing you know, Sonny gets married and moves away. 50 00:03:18,375 --> 00:03:21,708 Oh! Okay. Yeah. I just never thought about it that way. 51 00:03:21,791 --> 00:03:23,250 But you, uh, you know the song? 52 00:03:23,916 --> 00:03:26,625 No. I guess that's why I never thought about it that way. 53 00:03:26,708 --> 00:03:28,458 Okay, uh, your turn. Go. 54 00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:31,500 Oh, I don't know if I listen to music the same way you do. 55 00:03:31,583 --> 00:03:35,125 I was just gonna play you a song from Les Mis and not talk the whole time. 56 00:03:35,208 --> 00:03:36,791 Oh. Oh no. 57 00:03:37,416 --> 00:03:39,333 We need to break up immediately. 58 00:03:39,416 --> 00:03:41,625 Ugh. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. 59 00:03:41,708 --> 00:03:42,708 -Huh. -Too bad. 60 00:03:42,791 --> 00:03:45,166 I was so excited for the bar mitzvah, I've never been to one. 61 00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:47,958 You did come all this way. 62 00:03:48,958 --> 00:03:50,291 Okay, let's stay together. 63 00:03:50,375 --> 00:03:52,083 At least through the weekend. 64 00:03:56,666 --> 00:03:59,083 Is it weird I came to meet your family this weekend? 65 00:03:59,166 --> 00:04:01,000 Should we've picked a more low-key time? 66 00:04:01,083 --> 00:04:04,458 Oh my God! 67 00:04:04,541 --> 00:04:06,958 My family doesn't really do low-key. 68 00:04:07,041 --> 00:04:08,916 I love you. I love you. I love you. Say it back. 69 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,833 -I love you. -This is your girlfriend? Gorgeous. 70 00:04:10,916 --> 00:04:12,791 You're too good for him. Dump him immediately. 71 00:04:12,875 --> 00:04:14,458 -She's joking. -Of course, I'm joking! 72 00:04:14,541 --> 00:04:15,875 No one's too good for my Avi… 73 00:04:15,958 --> 00:04:17,250 -She's joking. -I am not joking. 74 00:04:17,333 --> 00:04:19,333 He has self-esteem issues but he's a wonderful boy. 75 00:04:19,416 --> 00:04:20,875 I don't have self-esteem issues. 76 00:04:20,958 --> 00:04:23,833 So you have self-esteem issues! It's nothing to be ashamed of. 77 00:04:23,916 --> 00:04:26,375 Are you gonna introduce your mother? Naomi. 78 00:04:26,458 --> 00:04:29,208 -Hi, I'm Jen. -"Jennifer, this is my mother, Naomi." 79 00:04:29,291 --> 00:04:32,125 Is that so difficult? I'm sorry my son is so rude. 80 00:04:32,208 --> 00:04:34,958 -I don't know who raised him. -Can I take your bag… bags? 81 00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:37,708 -Oh, thank you, Mr. Schwooper. -The kids are Schwooper. 82 00:04:37,791 --> 00:04:39,333 We're Cooper and Schwartz. 83 00:04:39,416 --> 00:04:42,000 -Right, of course. Mr. Schwartz. -I'm Cooper. 84 00:04:42,083 --> 00:04:43,583 -Mr. Coop-- -Just Elliott is fine. 85 00:04:43,666 --> 00:04:45,083 We don't stand on ceremony. 86 00:04:45,166 --> 00:04:48,375 I used to tell the kids, "Ceremony is like your sister's windpipe." 87 00:04:49,375 --> 00:04:51,916 -"We don't stand on it." Lot of bags. -Oh. 88 00:04:52,958 --> 00:04:55,541 Oh, hi. Yoshi, right? 89 00:04:56,583 --> 00:04:57,875 Why was your plane so late? 90 00:04:57,958 --> 00:05:02,291 I got in two hours ago and had to wait. Mom and Dad wouldn't make a separate trip. 91 00:05:02,375 --> 00:05:03,708 What are we, a shuttle service? 92 00:05:03,791 --> 00:05:05,250 The plane was gonna be on time, 93 00:05:05,333 --> 00:05:07,625 but I told them to go slower because I wanted you to suffer. 94 00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,000 Classic first-born behavior. 95 00:05:09,083 --> 00:05:12,250 -You must be Shira. I've heard so much-- -So you're like an actress? 96 00:05:12,333 --> 00:05:14,458 Is that why you're so… Oooh. 97 00:05:14,541 --> 00:05:16,583 -Well-- -She was just in All My Sons. 98 00:05:16,666 --> 00:05:18,625 -She was incredible. -Ooh, give us a taste! 99 00:05:18,708 --> 00:05:19,583 -Mom! -Just a taste. 100 00:05:19,666 --> 00:05:21,291 Give us one son. We don't need all. 101 00:05:21,375 --> 00:05:23,416 She's not giving you a taste of Arthur Miller. 102 00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:25,333 -He was Jewish, Arthur Miller. -What does that-- 103 00:05:25,416 --> 00:05:26,250 I think he still is. 104 00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:28,458 Plus, he was married to Marilyn Monroe. 105 00:05:28,541 --> 00:05:29,416 -Uh… -Shira. 106 00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:31,666 You tossed your bags in here diagonal. 107 00:05:31,750 --> 00:05:35,333 Excuse me for not anticipating Avi's girlfriend bringing a whole safari set. 108 00:05:35,416 --> 00:05:37,500 -Oh. Sorry, I didn't mean-- -We need to start over. 109 00:05:37,583 --> 00:05:39,583 Yoshi, make yourself useful, yeah? 110 00:05:39,666 --> 00:05:42,833 You do a mean parking meter, but God gave you legs, God gave you arms. 111 00:05:42,916 --> 00:05:44,291 -I can help grab-- -Ah, ah, ah. 112 00:05:44,375 --> 00:05:45,875 I won't allow it. You're our guest. 113 00:05:45,958 --> 00:05:48,375 I guess they don't teach you how to pack light in acting class. 114 00:05:48,458 --> 00:05:49,416 -I'm joking. -Ha… 115 00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:52,625 -But it's a hard life, no, acting? -Look what happened to Marilyn Monroe. 116 00:05:52,708 --> 00:05:53,791 She married Arthur Miller. 117 00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:55,875 -I'm just an acting major. -An acting major, Mom. 118 00:05:55,958 --> 00:05:58,875 -She's not marrying Arthur Miller. -This is taking up a lot of space. 119 00:05:58,958 --> 00:06:01,625 That's the emergency kit. Flares, fire extinguisher. 120 00:06:01,708 --> 00:06:03,666 Does your car catch on fire a lot? 121 00:06:03,750 --> 00:06:06,208 -Probably because of the flares. -It's for emergencies. 122 00:06:06,291 --> 00:06:07,375 We don't need that. 123 00:06:07,458 --> 00:06:09,583 -We can't leave it. -Your pride won't allow it? 124 00:06:09,666 --> 00:06:11,791 The airport won't. Can't just leave garbage. 125 00:06:11,875 --> 00:06:13,708 So you admit the kit is garbage. 126 00:06:13,791 --> 00:06:14,750 Have it your way. 127 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:16,958 It's not my way! You're in charge of this project. 128 00:06:17,041 --> 00:06:20,041 I'm just saying, what if the emergency is you need more room 129 00:06:20,125 --> 00:06:23,708 because your son's girlfriend is smuggling bowling balls across state lines? 130 00:06:23,791 --> 00:06:24,875 We're having fun. 131 00:06:24,958 --> 00:06:26,958 But what will you do after college for money? 132 00:06:27,041 --> 00:06:28,958 Jen is a smart girl, she'll figure it out. 133 00:06:29,041 --> 00:06:32,291 Smart and gorgeous. I take it back. You're definitely too good for my son. 134 00:06:32,375 --> 00:06:33,208 -Uh… -Okay! 135 00:06:33,291 --> 00:06:35,458 With this traffic, we're gonna miss the whole bar mitzvah. 136 00:06:35,541 --> 00:06:37,750 With this traffic, we're gonna miss the Moshiach. 137 00:06:37,833 --> 00:06:39,666 Listen, I have to apologize. 138 00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:42,541 Not for anything so far, I stand by all of it, 139 00:06:42,625 --> 00:06:45,333 but this weekend, I will be very preoccupied. 140 00:06:45,416 --> 00:06:47,708 It is my last son's bar mitzvah. 141 00:06:47,791 --> 00:06:50,000 We have family in from all over. 142 00:06:50,083 --> 00:06:53,458 I can't give you the full attention you're used to. Blame Avi. 143 00:06:53,541 --> 00:06:55,625 I don't know why he's bringing you home now, 144 00:06:55,708 --> 00:07:00,458 but if you came any other weekend, you would get my complete, absolute focus. 145 00:07:03,125 --> 00:07:05,916 See, you understand why I brought you this weekend. 146 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:06,958 I understand. 147 00:07:11,958 --> 00:07:15,000 Don't linger with the bags! This is not a locker room. 148 00:07:15,083 --> 00:07:15,916 And hurry back. 149 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,750 -I need your help with the salad. -Can I help? 150 00:07:17,833 --> 00:07:20,458 Yes, by taking your bags and getting out of the kitchen. 151 00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:22,208 You don't have to ask me twice. 152 00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:26,208 Oh, before I go, I brought something. 153 00:07:27,875 --> 00:07:30,875 Oh, it's lovely. I have to find something to put in it, 154 00:07:30,958 --> 00:07:33,958 which is more work on the busiest day of my life, but it's lovely. 155 00:07:34,041 --> 00:07:36,208 My parents taught me never show up empty-handed. 156 00:07:36,291 --> 00:07:38,083 So she shows up empty-vased. 157 00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:40,000 -Um… -You wanted help with the salad? 158 00:07:40,083 --> 00:07:42,375 -Yes, but first, find this a home. -What is it? 159 00:07:42,458 --> 00:07:45,083 -A vase. What's it look like? -Doesn't look like our vases. 160 00:07:45,166 --> 00:07:47,875 -I'm sorry. It's the wrong-- -It's a new kind of vase, okay? 161 00:07:47,958 --> 00:07:50,291 Jennifer picked it. She thought we needed new vases. 162 00:07:50,375 --> 00:07:52,208 -No, no, I-- -I guess I'll put it on the table. 163 00:07:52,291 --> 00:07:54,375 -Fine. It's done. -I didn't mean the vase to-- 164 00:07:54,458 --> 00:07:56,916 It's done, I said. Shira's putting it on the table. 165 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,333 We don't need to spend more time worrying about your very thoughtful gift. 166 00:08:00,416 --> 00:08:02,333 So who's gonna be at this thing tonight? 167 00:08:02,416 --> 00:08:05,458 Well, Shabbos dinner is just for family and out-of-town guests. 168 00:08:05,541 --> 00:08:07,833 -I'm grateful to be included. -Why wouldn't you be? 169 00:08:07,916 --> 00:08:10,125 You're an out-of-town vase. I mean an empty vase. 170 00:08:10,208 --> 00:08:13,583 I mean an out-of-town vase. I'm sorry, I'm thinking about empty vases. 171 00:08:13,666 --> 00:08:17,083 Not because of your marvelous gift. Unrelated vase thoughts. 172 00:08:17,166 --> 00:08:18,000 Uh-huh. 173 00:08:18,083 --> 00:08:19,375 I'm gonna go help with the… 174 00:08:19,458 --> 00:08:21,708 Jennifer, please don't bother. You've done enough. 175 00:08:21,791 --> 00:08:25,166 So… the Feldsteins aren't coming? 176 00:08:25,250 --> 00:08:27,416 Not tonight, but they'll be at the bar mitzvah tomorrow. 177 00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:28,833 Will Baby be there? 178 00:08:28,916 --> 00:08:30,166 Is Baby a Feldstein? 179 00:08:30,250 --> 00:08:32,166 Ah-da-da! That's the fleishig sponge! 180 00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:34,125 -Huh? -Those are dairy dishes. You can't mix-- 181 00:08:34,208 --> 00:08:35,666 -Oh, sorry. -You can't put-- 182 00:08:35,750 --> 00:08:38,416 Not a big deal, but those were my grandmother's dishes. 183 00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:40,416 -You just made them not kosher. -I did? 184 00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:41,791 I can't explain all the laws! 185 00:08:41,875 --> 00:08:43,708 You didn't mean to, but they're ruined forever. 186 00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:46,458 Hey, is everything okay? What happened to your bag? 187 00:08:47,291 --> 00:08:49,625 -Oh. -Avi, too many people in the kitchen now. 188 00:08:49,708 --> 00:08:51,083 -We can go. -Visit for a minute. 189 00:08:51,166 --> 00:08:52,166 Don't let him rush you, 190 00:08:52,250 --> 00:08:55,625 -just because you treyfed the dishes. -She probably wants to freshen up. 191 00:08:55,708 --> 00:08:57,291 She can speak for herself, Avi. 192 00:08:57,375 --> 00:09:01,083 You don't need to speak for her. And she wants to stay and chat. 193 00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:04,000 Did you seriously invite Baby Feldstein to Yoshi's Bar Mitzvah? 194 00:09:04,083 --> 00:09:06,250 We've known Paul and Inez before you were born. 195 00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:09,583 We're not not inviting them because you're fighting with their daughter. 196 00:09:09,666 --> 00:09:13,708 Baby and I are not in a fight. We're in a "I hate her and she's dead to me." 197 00:09:13,791 --> 00:09:16,000 Baby Feldstein was Shira's best friend. 198 00:09:16,083 --> 00:09:17,458 She was my best friend. 199 00:09:17,541 --> 00:09:19,208 -I said "was." -What happened? 200 00:09:19,291 --> 00:09:22,166 She's a liar, is what happened. Plus, she sucks. 201 00:09:22,250 --> 00:09:25,791 And no offense to Paul and Inez, but they did a bad job raising her. 202 00:09:25,875 --> 00:09:30,208 And she's not even really a baby. She's my age. Even her name is a lie. 203 00:09:31,333 --> 00:09:33,333 Shira, you don't even need to talk to her. 204 00:09:33,416 --> 00:09:35,416 There'll be 100 people there, even Jennifer, 205 00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:37,000 and she doesn't even know Yoshi. 206 00:09:37,083 --> 00:09:40,208 How'd it look if we told the Feldsteins, "Your daughter can't come, 207 00:09:40,291 --> 00:09:43,208 we need room for Avi's girlfriend who doesn't know from sponges"? 208 00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:44,166 -I'm sorry? -Mom? 209 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,583 Of course, we're happy to have you, I'm just saying. 210 00:09:47,416 --> 00:09:48,458 What, no flowers? 211 00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:02,125 Wow, wow, wow! 212 00:10:02,208 --> 00:10:03,541 Too much? 213 00:10:03,625 --> 00:10:05,000 Just the right amount. 214 00:10:05,083 --> 00:10:08,375 Can I ask you, like, a stupid girlfriend question? 215 00:10:08,458 --> 00:10:11,916 There are no stupid girlfriend questions. Only stupid girlfriends. 216 00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:15,833 Your family, do they think I'm bad? 217 00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:19,083 What, because of the dishes? No, they're just busting your chops. 218 00:10:19,166 --> 00:10:23,416 Well, they seem very critical about all of the things I am doing 219 00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:25,083 and the ways that I am. 220 00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:27,541 Oh, no, no, that's… No, they're teasing you. 221 00:10:27,625 --> 00:10:30,583 They're saying you're one of us now, so we can tease each other. 222 00:10:30,666 --> 00:10:32,125 It's a good thing. They like you. 223 00:10:32,208 --> 00:10:34,625 What would they do if they didn't like me? 224 00:10:34,708 --> 00:10:36,541 -They would also tease you. -Uh-huh. 225 00:10:36,625 --> 00:10:37,791 Like all families. 226 00:10:37,875 --> 00:10:38,958 Right. 227 00:10:39,041 --> 00:10:41,708 Also, your mom keeps calling me Jennifer. 228 00:10:41,791 --> 00:10:43,416 Which is fine, and you're fine with it? 229 00:10:44,625 --> 00:10:45,750 You want me to talk to her. 230 00:10:45,833 --> 00:10:49,125 Uh-huh, but otherwise you're having an okay time? 231 00:10:49,208 --> 00:10:50,958 I'm having a wonderful time. 232 00:10:51,041 --> 00:10:52,458 Mm-hm. 233 00:10:53,291 --> 00:10:54,291 Mm-hm. 234 00:10:54,791 --> 00:10:55,625 Mm-hm. 235 00:10:55,708 --> 00:10:57,625 I mean, it's a start, yeah? 236 00:10:57,708 --> 00:11:00,958 It's a great start, and I'm glad you did it so I don't have to. 237 00:11:01,791 --> 00:11:03,666 Think it's fair to put Uncle Barry near the kids? 238 00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:05,916 Think it's fair to put Uncle Barry near anybody? 239 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,208 It's perfect, I love you, just a few adjustments. 240 00:11:08,291 --> 00:11:10,375 Mm-mm-mmm. 241 00:11:10,458 --> 00:11:12,333 Yes, yes, no. 242 00:11:12,416 --> 00:11:13,375 -Hey, Mom. -Ah! 243 00:11:13,458 --> 00:11:15,916 -You scared me! You're so handsome! -Do you have a moment? 244 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,791 I have no moments. This seating arrangement is a crime. 245 00:11:18,875 --> 00:11:22,250 The Rosenbergs never did anything as bad as this, and they got the chair. 246 00:11:22,333 --> 00:11:25,083 -Talk about seating arrangements. -Ha! 247 00:11:25,166 --> 00:11:27,416 For you, I have all the moments in the world. 248 00:11:27,916 --> 00:11:28,875 Mm, no. 249 00:11:32,833 --> 00:11:37,250 Oh, hey there. Are you excited about tomorrow? Big day, huh? 250 00:11:38,291 --> 00:11:39,541 Oh. 251 00:11:39,625 --> 00:11:40,500 Um… 252 00:11:40,583 --> 00:11:43,125 So Jen is having a wonderful time… 253 00:11:43,208 --> 00:11:46,083 What is it? She's miserable? Hates us? Hates me? 254 00:11:46,166 --> 00:11:48,458 I can't help it if she's decided she hates me, Avi. 255 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,916 -No, wonderful time! -I was so kind about that vase. 256 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:51,875 What did she say? 257 00:11:51,958 --> 00:11:54,958 She didn't say anything. I am just making an observation-- 258 00:11:55,041 --> 00:11:56,333 Here's something to observe. 259 00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:59,458 You brought her home at a time you knew would be emotional for me. 260 00:11:59,541 --> 00:12:01,416 Yoshi is about to become a man. 261 00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:04,041 The last of my children is no longer a child. 262 00:12:04,125 --> 00:12:06,041 -I am childless. -You're not childless. 263 00:12:06,125 --> 00:12:08,541 I see all these names, and you know what stands out? 264 00:12:08,625 --> 00:12:11,083 The names I don't see of the people who are dead. 265 00:12:11,166 --> 00:12:14,000 Right. So, hey, speaking of names, 266 00:12:14,083 --> 00:12:15,583 and this is such a small thing, 267 00:12:15,666 --> 00:12:18,291 uh, my girlfriend's name is Jen. 268 00:12:18,375 --> 00:12:19,416 Jennifer, yes, I know. 269 00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:22,750 Right, but with a little less "ifer." Just Jen. 270 00:12:22,833 --> 00:12:24,375 What kind of name is "Just Jen"? 271 00:12:24,458 --> 00:12:27,666 The name of my girlfriend that she got named by her parents. 272 00:12:27,750 --> 00:12:30,333 -Avi, I am trying my best. -I know you are. 273 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:33,083 -Not my fault she has a difficult name. -It's actually so un-difficult. 274 00:12:33,166 --> 00:12:34,541 Sorry I upset your girlfriend. 275 00:12:34,625 --> 00:12:37,500 If I could change myself to make you happy, you don't think I would? 276 00:12:37,583 --> 00:12:40,583 -All I want's for my children to be happy. -Hey, no, Mom. We are! 277 00:12:40,666 --> 00:12:44,416 She's having a wonderful time. "Wonderful" is her word. 278 00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:48,208 I didn't… It's, it's my fault. Forget I said anything. 279 00:12:49,875 --> 00:12:52,500 Think Grandma's going to be okay this close to the vent? 280 00:12:52,583 --> 00:12:55,541 Forget it. People can sit wherever they want. The world is chaos. 281 00:12:55,625 --> 00:12:58,375 Why should I get a night where things are nice for once? 282 00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:05,583 Aunt Carol and Aunt Susan, my mom's sisters. 283 00:13:05,666 --> 00:13:07,916 They'll spend all weekend bitching to each other. 284 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:12,416 Uncle Arnie and Aunt Elaine, he's in real estate, she makes sculptures. 285 00:13:13,041 --> 00:13:14,958 Mom's Uncle Barry. 286 00:13:15,041 --> 00:13:19,500 We were on the tarmac for an hour because the airport had a bomb scare. 287 00:13:19,583 --> 00:13:23,083 Turns out some putz left a box of road flares on the curb. 288 00:13:23,166 --> 00:13:26,375 Look at him sucking up the oxygen like this weekend is for him. 289 00:13:26,458 --> 00:13:29,791 "Is not a schnook entitled to a schmooze at his great-nephew's simcha?" 290 00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:32,125 "You laugh, but a schnook is entitled." 291 00:13:32,208 --> 00:13:35,083 -Just glad Cousin Moishe's not here. -Well, the night is young. 292 00:13:36,625 --> 00:13:39,958 Everyone, I'd like to make a toast. 293 00:13:40,041 --> 00:13:44,000 And the freeway! Don't get me started… 294 00:13:44,083 --> 00:13:45,833 I was just getting started! 295 00:13:45,916 --> 00:13:49,875 I'm so glad so many of you could come from so far away. 296 00:13:49,958 --> 00:13:52,958 I want to acknowledge there's a new person here. 297 00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:55,333 Avi's girlfriend, Jen. 298 00:13:55,416 --> 00:13:57,291 Oh. Ahem. 299 00:13:57,375 --> 00:13:58,208 Hi. 300 00:13:58,708 --> 00:14:01,958 If you haven't met Jen yet, let me be the first to tell you, 301 00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:03,208 Jen's marvelous. 302 00:14:03,291 --> 00:14:06,125 -What did you say to her? -I think she really likes you. 303 00:14:06,208 --> 00:14:09,791 I had to give her special mention because I know she loves the spotlight 304 00:14:09,875 --> 00:14:11,083 because she's an actress. 305 00:14:11,166 --> 00:14:13,458 An actress, wow. 306 00:14:14,958 --> 00:14:18,208 But now, for the man of the hour, where's Yoshi? 307 00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:19,500 Hm? 308 00:14:19,583 --> 00:14:21,416 Yoshi, where did you get that cookie? 309 00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:23,666 Can you act like a person for once in your… 310 00:14:23,750 --> 00:14:27,625 You're always skipping ahead. My Yoshi. 311 00:14:27,708 --> 00:14:29,083 That is a good metaphor. 312 00:14:29,166 --> 00:14:31,708 I haven't finished my cocktail, Yoshi's at dessert. 313 00:14:31,791 --> 00:14:34,625 Just yesterday, we were taking him home from the hospital, 314 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,958 and already he's a man. 315 00:14:37,416 --> 00:14:40,916 It's like that line from Fiddler, I'll never forget the lyric. 316 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:45,625 "I'm not the one who got older, but somehow…" 317 00:14:45,708 --> 00:14:47,125 Uh… 318 00:14:47,208 --> 00:14:48,916 -You know, "To life." -L'chaim! 319 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,541 No, I was quoting the play! 320 00:14:50,625 --> 00:14:52,083 Sorry, premature l'chaim. 321 00:14:52,166 --> 00:14:54,833 My point is it happened so fast. 322 00:14:54,916 --> 00:14:58,708 Before we know it, the bar mitzvah will be over and Yoshi will be up in the chair. 323 00:15:00,791 --> 00:15:02,458 -Very good. -Quit it! 324 00:15:03,958 --> 00:15:05,458 Elliott, lift! 325 00:15:08,958 --> 00:15:12,666 Now I know it's my first time, but Yoshi did a really good job, right? 326 00:15:12,750 --> 00:15:15,250 -Actually, yeah. -He killed it. This food is bad. 327 00:15:15,333 --> 00:15:17,000 His speech was so sophisticated. 328 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:20,500 How is a 13-year-old so wise about the Holocaust? 329 00:15:20,583 --> 00:15:24,583 That is because of his bar mitzvah tutor, Mr. Leibowitz. He is a survivor. 330 00:15:24,666 --> 00:15:26,750 -Like from the Destiny's Child song. -Oh… 331 00:15:26,833 --> 00:15:28,625 -Shira, Avi, mazel tov. -Oh. 332 00:15:28,708 --> 00:15:30,541 Hey, this is my girlfriend, Jen. 333 00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:33,750 Uh, Paul and Inez Feldstein, old friends of my parents. 334 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:37,291 We've heard so much about you. Naomi just adores you. 335 00:15:37,375 --> 00:15:38,625 -She does? -Where's Baby? 336 00:15:38,708 --> 00:15:40,208 Oh, Baby couldn't make it. 337 00:15:40,291 --> 00:15:41,583 She couldn't make it. 338 00:15:41,666 --> 00:15:42,541 Midterms. 339 00:15:42,625 --> 00:15:44,916 Oh, I also have midterms, 340 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:47,708 but I still made it my beeswax to be at Yoshi's bar mitzvah. 341 00:15:47,791 --> 00:15:49,083 Well, you're his sister. 342 00:15:49,166 --> 00:15:51,000 You don't have to make excuses for Baby. 343 00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:53,750 We all know she has screwed-up priorities and no loyalty. 344 00:15:53,833 --> 00:15:55,625 No offense, I know she's your daughter. 345 00:15:55,708 --> 00:15:57,583 We'll tell her you said hello. 346 00:15:58,166 --> 00:15:59,416 Do you believe that? 347 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:02,333 -Why're you mad? You didn't wanna see her. -Not the point. 348 00:16:02,416 --> 00:16:04,041 She RSVP'd "yes." 349 00:16:04,125 --> 00:16:06,125 So, would you rather she was here? 350 00:16:06,208 --> 00:16:09,333 Of course not! But how could she do this to Yoshi? 351 00:16:09,416 --> 00:16:11,500 -He'll be devastated. -Where is Yoshi? 352 00:16:12,250 --> 00:16:14,916 Today, I am a man. 353 00:16:17,083 --> 00:16:20,375 Schwooper, today you are the man. 354 00:16:20,458 --> 00:16:24,458 Is it just me, or am I awesome at bar mitzvahing? 355 00:16:24,541 --> 00:16:27,625 Dude, your davening was on point! 356 00:16:27,708 --> 00:16:31,458 I was peeping Mr. Leibowitz. He was kvellin' like a felon. 357 00:16:31,541 --> 00:16:36,666 Hey, Danny, this doesn't make us bad Jews, does it? 358 00:16:36,750 --> 00:16:39,416 Please. Like Maimonides never got high? 359 00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:40,541 But at my bar mitzvah? 360 00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:43,833 I mean, you don't think we're gonna get in trouble, like, with God? 361 00:16:43,916 --> 00:16:47,416 Yoshi! Wait, tell me you don't still believe in God. 362 00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:48,833 -No! -What are you, six? 363 00:16:48,916 --> 00:16:53,416 No, of course not. Not "God" God, but like, you know, the idea of God. 364 00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:55,500 -What? -Like a God energy? 365 00:16:55,583 --> 00:16:59,625 There is no energy, man. There's no God! There's nothing. 366 00:16:59,708 --> 00:17:02,375 But I just read from the Torah. 367 00:17:02,458 --> 00:17:03,791 I learned all these prayers. 368 00:17:03,875 --> 00:17:08,416 I… I gave a speech. If there's no God, what was the point of any of this? 369 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:11,541 You know what's really dumb? Baby actually got me these earrings, 370 00:17:11,625 --> 00:17:14,291 and I wore them tonight as, like, a peace offering, you know? 371 00:17:14,375 --> 00:17:17,833 But now she's not here and I'm wearing these like an idiot. 372 00:17:17,916 --> 00:17:20,583 Why do you even care? You haven't talked to Baby in a year. 373 00:17:20,666 --> 00:17:24,791 The Holocaust happened 60 years ago. I guess we should stop caring about that. 374 00:17:24,875 --> 00:17:26,708 -Yikes. -Or do you need Yoshi's speech again? 375 00:17:26,791 --> 00:17:28,625 Girl friendships can be so intense. 376 00:17:28,708 --> 00:17:33,125 Yes, they can be. You see that, Avi? That's empathy. Thank you, Jen. 377 00:17:33,208 --> 00:17:36,500 Avi, can you find your brother? It's almost time for the candle ceremony. 378 00:17:36,583 --> 00:17:39,583 -You don't know where he is? -He wandered off with Danny Wegbreit. 379 00:17:39,666 --> 00:17:40,750 -Oh God. -Oh my God. 380 00:17:40,833 --> 00:17:45,833 So everyone's been lying to me. I spent half a year studying for a lie. 381 00:17:45,916 --> 00:17:46,958 And a sweet party. 382 00:17:47,041 --> 00:17:50,458 I could've spent time doing something real, like Dance Dance Revolution. 383 00:17:50,541 --> 00:17:52,083 Then I could impress Rachel Chu. 384 00:17:52,166 --> 00:17:56,250 Rachel Chu wouldn't suddenly like you if you were good at Dance Dance Revolution. 385 00:17:56,333 --> 00:17:58,791 Honestly think it could get me halfway with Rachel Chu. 386 00:17:58,875 --> 00:18:00,541 -There you are. -Inconspicuous! 387 00:18:00,625 --> 00:18:02,416 Hey, it's a big day, you're having fun. 388 00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:04,583 I get it. But it's time to light the candles. 389 00:18:04,666 --> 00:18:08,333 -Why, though? What is the point? -What's the point of anything? 390 00:18:08,416 --> 00:18:10,583 So Mom doesn't have a conniption fit. Let's go. 391 00:18:22,541 --> 00:18:27,958 So here we are, and we are, uh, lighting… 392 00:18:28,041 --> 00:18:29,250 …candles! 393 00:18:30,125 --> 00:18:35,791 So it's, um, 13 of them, and each one will get lit on fire. 394 00:18:35,875 --> 00:18:39,125 And they are tall candles. Too tall, maybe. 395 00:18:40,166 --> 00:18:43,208 For the fourth candle, my best friend, Danny Wegbreit. 396 00:18:43,291 --> 00:18:44,958 Danny, get on up here. 397 00:18:50,458 --> 00:18:54,333 And while he's doing it, let me just tell you about the first three candles, 398 00:18:54,416 --> 00:18:57,791 which maybe I should have done before the fourth one, obviously. 399 00:18:57,875 --> 00:19:00,666 Okay, the first candle is Mom and Dad. 400 00:19:00,750 --> 00:19:03,083 The reason we're all here. 401 00:19:03,583 --> 00:19:06,916 Have a bar mitzvah, they said. We'll do the "Cha-Cha Slide." 402 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,750 -It's not at all a big lie. -Okay. 403 00:19:09,833 --> 00:19:12,041 We'll "Cha-Cha Slide" after. What's the lie? 404 00:19:12,125 --> 00:19:15,666 And the other two of the first three, right, 405 00:19:15,750 --> 00:19:19,583 is my sister, Shira, and brother, Avi. What a team. 406 00:19:19,666 --> 00:19:20,708 Whoo! 407 00:19:21,708 --> 00:19:24,291 Both went through this. Could've given me a heads-up. 408 00:19:24,375 --> 00:19:26,041 -We're almost done, yeah? -Nine more. 409 00:19:26,125 --> 00:19:27,375 Nine more? 410 00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:29,208 Okay, let's roll through. 411 00:19:29,291 --> 00:19:32,166 Number five, you know her, you love her. It's my grandma. 412 00:19:34,666 --> 00:19:36,583 Number eight is camp friends. 413 00:19:36,666 --> 00:19:39,416 Felt essential to include when we were sending invitations. 414 00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:43,208 Now it's many months later and it's like, "Ha-ha, who are you people?" 415 00:19:43,291 --> 00:19:47,000 Number 12, my bar mitzvah tutor, Mr. Leibowitz. 416 00:19:47,083 --> 00:19:49,583 Lived through the worst horror imaginable. 417 00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:52,250 Now spends his time teaching kids how to pray to God 418 00:19:52,333 --> 00:19:54,041 because clearly that works. 419 00:19:54,125 --> 00:19:56,500 -What's wrong with you? -I said it works! 420 00:19:56,583 --> 00:19:57,958 Okay, let's close things out. 421 00:19:58,041 --> 00:19:59,875 Lucky number 13, 422 00:19:59,958 --> 00:20:03,291 uh, someone new to our family but already very dear, 423 00:20:03,375 --> 00:20:06,250 -my brother's girlfriend, Jen. -Huh? 424 00:20:06,333 --> 00:20:09,083 "Parentheses, ask Avi what Jen's last name is." 425 00:20:16,125 --> 00:20:20,500 Nu? And what about my late wife, Sylvia? She doesn't get a candle? 426 00:20:20,583 --> 00:20:23,375 Uncle Barry, we're sorry. We ran out of candles, okay? 427 00:20:23,458 --> 00:20:24,458 You ran out? 428 00:20:24,541 --> 00:20:26,625 Aunt Sylvia isn't here. May she rest in peace. 429 00:20:26,708 --> 00:20:30,750 All the more reason to honor her! I could have lit a candle in her memory. 430 00:20:30,833 --> 00:20:34,166 We couldn't give everyone a candle. Decisions were made. Sue us. 431 00:20:34,250 --> 00:20:37,541 Your Aunt Sylvia was like a second mother to you. Shame! 432 00:20:37,625 --> 00:20:38,958 Sit down, Barry! 433 00:20:39,041 --> 00:20:43,041 I will not sit down! Instead you give a candle to what? 434 00:20:43,125 --> 00:20:44,208 The new girlfriend? 435 00:20:45,458 --> 00:20:49,208 Tell me, did "Jen Last-Name" give up her young adulthood 436 00:20:49,291 --> 00:20:52,666 to help raise her brothers and sisters in a tenement? 437 00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:54,208 Did you, Jen? 438 00:20:54,291 --> 00:20:56,041 Barry, it wasn't a tenement. 439 00:20:56,125 --> 00:20:58,625 Their father was a furrier. They had a very nice apartment. 440 00:20:58,708 --> 00:21:01,791 For a family of seven, it was a tenement practically. 441 00:21:01,875 --> 00:21:04,541 -I didn't get a candle. Sit down! -Light the candle, Jen. 442 00:21:04,625 --> 00:21:08,833 Don't you light that candle! That's my wife's candle! 443 00:21:08,916 --> 00:21:12,958 You see this check? This was to be in your honor, Yoshi. 444 00:21:13,041 --> 00:21:17,083 One hundred and eight dollars to the ADL. 445 00:21:17,166 --> 00:21:21,500 But now this is what I think of your candles! 446 00:21:21,583 --> 00:21:24,958 -No! -That doesn't hurt us. It hurts the ADL. 447 00:21:25,041 --> 00:21:28,875 It's worth it to make a point. The ADL would be on my side here. 448 00:21:28,958 --> 00:21:30,583 Light the candle. 449 00:21:30,666 --> 00:21:31,916 I don't know if I should. 450 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,750 Don't be ridiculous. 451 00:21:33,833 --> 00:21:34,833 Careful! 452 00:21:34,916 --> 00:21:36,833 Oh! 453 00:21:36,916 --> 00:21:37,958 -Oh no! -Fire! 454 00:21:38,041 --> 00:21:39,625 Okay, I've got this. 455 00:21:39,708 --> 00:21:42,541 There's a fire extinguisher in the emergency kit… Oh. 456 00:21:45,875 --> 00:21:49,458 Okay. God is real and he is pissed! 457 00:21:49,541 --> 00:21:51,625 Oh. 458 00:21:57,958 --> 00:22:00,958 -Let her light it! -Off, vilde khaye! 459 00:22:02,958 --> 00:22:06,625 Sylvia's dead! Jen is alive! 460 00:22:07,791 --> 00:22:11,125 Can you be gracious for once in your miserable life? 461 00:22:11,208 --> 00:22:12,416 Hey, are you okay? 462 00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:14,625 This is the craziest thing I've ever seen. 463 00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:16,875 I've seen worse. 464 00:22:18,875 --> 00:22:22,583 It's when we're with family I miss her the most. 465 00:22:22,666 --> 00:22:27,291 If we lit a candle for everybody I miss, we would be here for days. 466 00:22:28,041 --> 00:22:31,291 Okay, who's ready for "Cha-Cha Slide"? Where is that DJ? 467 00:22:31,375 --> 00:22:33,500 What are we paying him for? Come on! 468 00:22:39,041 --> 00:22:41,625 -So they're kind of a lot, huh? -Kind of. 469 00:22:41,708 --> 00:22:43,958 I guess I could have warned you better. 470 00:22:44,041 --> 00:22:46,583 But when it's your family, you almost don't notice it. 471 00:22:46,666 --> 00:22:50,250 Yeah, I can see how one would almost not notice it. 472 00:22:50,333 --> 00:22:51,833 In any case, you were amazing. 473 00:22:51,916 --> 00:22:55,333 And for whatever it's worth, I do think they really like you. 474 00:22:55,416 --> 00:22:57,625 -Yeah? -They gave you a candle. 475 00:22:57,708 --> 00:23:00,333 That's not nothing. Aunt Sylvia didn't even get a candle. 476 00:23:00,416 --> 00:23:03,708 Did Aunt Sylvia not get a candle? I must have missed that. 477 00:23:03,791 --> 00:23:07,708 And for whatever it's worth, I really like you. 478 00:23:08,500 --> 00:23:12,750 Do you want to listen to a song from Les Mis and not talk the whole time? 479 00:23:14,166 --> 00:23:15,833 Okay, I'm in. 480 00:23:19,625 --> 00:23:25,166 I am remembering a girl When I was young 481 00:23:25,750 --> 00:23:28,500 We had a lot of fun We had a lot of money 482 00:23:30,750 --> 00:23:33,833 We had a little son And we thought we'd call him Sonny 483 00:23:36,416 --> 00:23:38,333 Sonny gets married and moves away 484 00:23:38,916 --> 00:23:41,333 Sonny has a baby and bills to pay 485 00:23:41,416 --> 00:23:45,500 Sonny gets sunnier Day by day by day by day 486 00:23:55,958 --> 00:23:57,958 Well, I've been waking up at sunrise 487 00:23:58,916 --> 00:24:01,125 I've been following the light Across my room 488 00:24:01,208 --> 00:24:06,000 I watch the night Receive the room of my day 489 00:24:06,083 --> 00:24:09,208 Some people say The sky is just the sky 490 00:24:09,291 --> 00:24:12,750 But I say Why deny the obvious child? 491 00:24:12,833 --> 00:24:15,875 Why deny the obvious child? us child?