1 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:20,875 Ow! What the… 2 00:00:22,041 --> 00:00:25,083 You can't touch it with your hands. Are you stupid? 3 00:00:25,166 --> 00:00:27,625 Etan, Gilad, be nice to your cousin. 4 00:00:27,708 --> 00:00:29,208 They won't, but I have to say it. 5 00:00:29,291 --> 00:00:31,708 Avi, you can't use your hands. 6 00:00:31,791 --> 00:00:33,500 Bringing a baby to the beach? 7 00:00:33,583 --> 00:00:35,791 I don't know, Naomi. The sun gets very hot. 8 00:00:35,875 --> 00:00:37,375 You invited us to the beach. 9 00:00:37,458 --> 00:00:38,750 It's a good baby. 10 00:00:38,833 --> 00:00:40,500 I like that he doesn't talk much. 11 00:00:40,583 --> 00:00:43,416 I wish my babies had been slow like that. 12 00:00:43,500 --> 00:00:45,666 You should have seen the bris. Not a peep. 13 00:00:45,750 --> 00:00:48,125 And not too much blood. Not like Avi's. 14 00:00:48,791 --> 00:00:50,125 I'm gonna go play with Shira. 15 00:00:50,208 --> 00:00:53,583 I wish we could have come to the bris, but it's such a schlep. 16 00:00:53,666 --> 00:00:55,208 Jersey to California. 17 00:00:55,291 --> 00:00:59,458 Would you believe? It's the same distance from California to Jersey. 18 00:00:59,541 --> 00:01:02,916 Yes, but you are the one who moved to California, Naomi. 19 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,541 Where we also have beaches, if you'd like to see sometime. 20 00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:09,125 Lifeguard! Help! 21 00:01:09,208 --> 00:01:10,833 I'll save you! 22 00:01:15,125 --> 00:01:17,666 Ah. Thanks. Okay, my turn. 23 00:01:19,541 --> 00:01:23,208 Ah! Lifeguard! The water's making me drown! 24 00:01:23,291 --> 00:01:25,208 Avi! Come play! 25 00:01:25,291 --> 00:01:26,708 Avi! Please! 26 00:01:26,791 --> 00:01:31,125 You can go play Baywatch mouth-to-mouth with your sister if you want. 27 00:01:31,208 --> 00:01:32,916 Help me, Avi! I'm drowning! 28 00:01:34,208 --> 00:01:35,708 Ah, she's fine. Let's play. 29 00:01:37,625 --> 00:01:38,666 Avi! 30 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,208 You asked for it. 31 00:01:42,291 --> 00:01:43,791 You said you can't use hands! 32 00:01:43,875 --> 00:01:45,666 -I'm the goalie! -Ow! My-- 33 00:02:39,375 --> 00:02:41,750 -You're nervous. -I've never asked anyone for a loan 34 00:02:41,833 --> 00:02:44,625 -for anything in my life. -Well, it's not exactly a loan. 35 00:02:44,708 --> 00:02:46,125 It's not like we can give it back. 36 00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:47,416 No, I… I guess not. 37 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,208 You wanna practice? I'll be Avi. 38 00:02:49,291 --> 00:02:54,458 "I like music, but also I hate it, and here's why in 1,000 words." 39 00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:57,500 -If I overthink, it won't feel natural… -This is not overthinking? 40 00:02:57,583 --> 00:02:59,375 -I'm sure he'll say no. -You never know. 41 00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:03,500 Maybe if we have a baby, Avi and Jen will visit us. 42 00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:04,791 They visited that one time. 43 00:03:04,875 --> 00:03:06,375 They should want to come to us. 44 00:03:06,458 --> 00:03:08,500 Oakland is fun. There's stuff to do. 45 00:03:08,583 --> 00:03:11,416 Santa Rosa is just a bathroom break on the way to Napa. 46 00:03:11,500 --> 00:03:13,875 Yeah, plus out here I get very… visible. 47 00:03:13,958 --> 00:03:17,583 Strangers in the grocery store coming up to tell me how much they like Scandal? 48 00:03:17,666 --> 00:03:20,208 I think people are just friendly outside the city. 49 00:03:20,291 --> 00:03:23,666 -Do strangers talk to you about Scandal? -Are you gonna be okay tonight? 50 00:03:23,750 --> 00:03:26,916 I'm just gonna try to be as invisible as possible. 51 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:31,666 I bet he's telling his wife he just saw Beyoncé. 52 00:03:32,875 --> 00:03:35,958 -Oh, hi! Hey! -Really, guys, thanks for coming. 53 00:03:36,041 --> 00:03:40,000 We wouldn't miss incredible, flawless Hannah's big dance recital. 54 00:03:40,083 --> 00:03:42,875 -Where is she? I wanna see her. -She's backstage getting ready. 55 00:03:42,958 --> 00:03:44,000 -Rude. -And heads up, 56 00:03:44,083 --> 00:03:47,458 90% of the show features less cute, non-Hannah kids. 57 00:03:47,541 --> 00:03:49,500 She's only on for like one song in the middle. 58 00:03:49,583 --> 00:03:52,541 -That's okay. -Half the parents leave after their kid. 59 00:03:52,625 --> 00:03:53,958 What's Hannah, chopped liver? 60 00:03:54,041 --> 00:03:58,083 -I actually love chopped liver… -I do too. I don't know why I said that. 61 00:03:58,166 --> 00:04:01,041 Point is, long show, no idea when Hannah goes on, so just wait. 62 00:04:01,125 --> 00:04:03,333 I told you. After "Surf's Up for Christmas." 63 00:04:03,416 --> 00:04:04,333 Okay, jeez. 64 00:04:04,416 --> 00:04:06,041 After "Surf's Up for Christmas." 65 00:04:06,125 --> 00:04:09,125 Oh, is this like a Christmas thing? 66 00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:10,833 -Well, it's winter themed. -Oh yeah. 67 00:04:10,916 --> 00:04:14,583 No, I promise, every number will be deeply, explicitly Christmas. 68 00:04:14,666 --> 00:04:17,625 -Say what you will about Jews… -Who's saying anything about Jews? 69 00:04:17,708 --> 00:04:19,625 …good sense not to push our nonsense on everyone. 70 00:04:19,708 --> 00:04:22,083 -"Our nonsense"? -We just push it on our children. 71 00:04:22,166 --> 00:04:23,708 In some cases, not even then. 72 00:04:23,791 --> 00:04:26,750 -Speaking of children… -I'd be delighted if it was winter themed. 73 00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:28,666 -Here we go. Okay. -Snowflakes, cocoa. 74 00:04:28,750 --> 00:04:30,666 Instead, the kids have to mainline religion 75 00:04:30,750 --> 00:04:33,291 -like a drug. -It's not religion. It's just Christmas. 76 00:04:33,375 --> 00:04:34,791 Everybody celebrates Christmas. 77 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,791 -We don't celebrate Christmas. -Uh, yes, we do. 78 00:04:36,875 --> 00:04:38,541 -You do? -When we visit your parents. 79 00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:39,791 Yeah, every Christmas. 80 00:04:39,875 --> 00:04:42,166 That's being with them while they celebrate Christmas. 81 00:04:42,250 --> 00:04:44,750 -We're not celebrating. -I'm not gonna fight with you. 82 00:04:44,833 --> 00:04:46,125 Oh, look, Christmas came early. 83 00:04:47,125 --> 00:04:52,458 Well, I am not threatened by two hours of bad dancing to songs about Jesus. 84 00:04:52,541 --> 00:04:55,875 After all, is not a schnook entitled to a night at the ballet? 85 00:04:55,958 --> 00:04:59,041 -You laugh, but a schnook is entitled. -Too bad Mom couldn't be here. 86 00:04:59,125 --> 00:05:01,958 Oh, she wanted to be here. They're on that river cruise. 87 00:05:02,041 --> 00:05:05,625 She was furious I wouldn't ask to move the recital to a day they could make it. 88 00:05:05,708 --> 00:05:08,000 -"Avi, just ask them." -"Would it kill you to ask?" 89 00:05:08,083 --> 00:05:09,916 Speaking of people asking things, 90 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,541 there's something we wanted to ask you, right, Shira? 91 00:05:12,625 --> 00:05:14,125 -Uh… -Oh yeah? 92 00:05:16,625 --> 00:05:19,166 Any new music we should be listening to? 93 00:05:19,250 --> 00:05:20,958 -Shira, that's not-- -No, it's all bad. 94 00:05:21,041 --> 00:05:23,083 -Now you got him started. -Every band is doing 95 00:05:23,166 --> 00:05:25,333 "disco night at the roller rink" crap now. 96 00:05:25,416 --> 00:05:28,083 I've listened to the new Arcade Fire like 20 times. 97 00:05:28,166 --> 00:05:30,833 I think maybe I'm the problem. They're telling me who they are. 98 00:05:30,916 --> 00:05:33,791 Why try to convince myself they're the band I fell in love with? 99 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:36,250 Honestly, it's like I'm trapped in a bad marriage. 100 00:05:37,750 --> 00:05:39,583 With the Arcade Fire? 101 00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,458 Just Arcade Fire. There's no "the." 102 00:05:43,375 --> 00:05:45,750 Hi. I love your shirt. 103 00:05:45,833 --> 00:05:48,041 Thank you. It's happening. 104 00:05:48,125 --> 00:05:51,625 I'm sorry, but it is a nice shirt… for any race. 105 00:05:51,708 --> 00:05:54,166 Jen, I've been searching for you everywhere. 106 00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:56,416 Jean-Pierre, why aren't you backstage with the girls? 107 00:05:56,500 --> 00:05:58,583 There is a terrible emergency. 108 00:05:58,666 --> 00:06:02,666 I need your assistance. Save me. I'm lost without you, Jen. 109 00:06:02,750 --> 00:06:03,791 Okay, I'm coming. 110 00:06:03,875 --> 00:06:05,125 Hey, is everything okay? 111 00:06:05,208 --> 00:06:08,708 Avi, I literally have the same information you do. I'm going to find out. 112 00:06:10,208 --> 00:06:11,416 She's going to find out. 113 00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,416 Mommy, it won't stay up. 114 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,666 I see that. Why are they so big? 115 00:06:17,750 --> 00:06:20,166 We wanted tutus. We got four-fours. 116 00:06:20,250 --> 00:06:22,500 Oh no. These are in adult sizes. 117 00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:24,625 Sacre bleu, croque monsieur, la Tour Eiffel! 118 00:06:24,708 --> 00:06:27,458 I should not have put my husband in charge of wardrobe. 119 00:06:27,541 --> 00:06:29,541 He is gorgeous, but quite stupid. 120 00:06:29,625 --> 00:06:32,083 That sounds mean in English, but in French… 121 00:06:32,166 --> 00:06:34,083 In any case, we are finished! 122 00:06:38,750 --> 00:06:39,666 I can fix this. 123 00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:42,458 -How? -Well, one time, back in college, 124 00:06:42,541 --> 00:06:45,666 my theater company wanted to put on The Cripple of Inishmaan. 125 00:06:45,750 --> 00:06:47,375 Only we had no budget for a set. 126 00:06:47,458 --> 00:06:49,875 But it was right after St. Patrick's Day, 127 00:06:49,958 --> 00:06:53,958 so we took all the four-leaf clovers and leprechaun decorations from the dorms. 128 00:06:54,041 --> 00:06:55,958 And voila! Ireland! 129 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,791 I love that you say voila. 130 00:06:57,875 --> 00:06:59,708 We can make new costumes for the girls. 131 00:06:59,791 --> 00:07:01,708 Now I know why they call you Jen. 132 00:07:01,791 --> 00:07:03,500 Because you are a Jen-ius. 133 00:07:03,583 --> 00:07:05,958 Oh! Oh. 134 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,041 Uh, if you can't do it tonight, we can ask another-- 135 00:07:11,125 --> 00:07:12,166 I can do this. 136 00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:14,875 I've been psyching myself up, playing jock jams in my head. 137 00:07:14,958 --> 00:07:17,333 If I don't do it now, I won't do it at all. 138 00:07:17,416 --> 00:07:18,583 Hey, bro. 139 00:07:18,666 --> 00:07:19,833 Hey, sis. 140 00:07:19,916 --> 00:07:22,625 So, Kendra and I want kids. We always have. 141 00:07:22,708 --> 00:07:24,541 -Oh, great! -We're in our thirties, 142 00:07:24,625 --> 00:07:28,458 which is when your biological clock stops being polite and starts getting real. 143 00:07:28,541 --> 00:07:29,916 -Sure. Yeah. -We did tests, 144 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,291 and my eggs are garbage. Thanks, Mom. 145 00:07:32,375 --> 00:07:35,541 But Kendra's are grade A, farm-fresh, free-range. 146 00:07:35,625 --> 00:07:37,041 Free-range? Where do they go? 147 00:07:37,125 --> 00:07:39,250 Maybe this is more of an intermission conversation. 148 00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:42,708 We need sperm to make a baby, and we don't have any lying around, 149 00:07:42,791 --> 00:07:44,833 not since we got rid of that Craigslist couch. 150 00:07:44,916 --> 00:07:47,125 Furniture on Craigslist? You're in your thirties! 151 00:07:47,208 --> 00:07:48,541 Hey, we know someone 152 00:07:48,625 --> 00:07:51,000 who not only happens to share my genetic code, 153 00:07:51,083 --> 00:07:53,833 but also has the little tadpoles in him at all times. 154 00:07:53,916 --> 00:07:56,458 -That's why I came to you. -I'm sorry. I lost the thread. 155 00:07:56,541 --> 00:07:58,125 We want your sperm, dude. 156 00:07:59,666 --> 00:08:00,625 Oh, uh… 157 00:08:00,708 --> 00:08:04,291 You don't wanna miss this funky-dunky Christmas! 158 00:08:06,375 --> 00:08:08,875 You want my sperm? Like, my actual… 159 00:08:08,958 --> 00:08:11,666 How does it… Like, do I have to have sex with Kendra? 160 00:08:11,750 --> 00:08:13,583 "Have to"? You mean "get to." 161 00:08:13,666 --> 00:08:16,375 No, it's all tubes, man. The future is tubes. 162 00:08:16,458 --> 00:08:19,083 I don't know why you're acting like what you just said is normal. 163 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:22,541 We can talk later. This might not be the most wonderful time of the year. 164 00:08:22,625 --> 00:08:24,583 It just kind of feels like a big ask. 165 00:08:24,666 --> 00:08:26,625 -Okay, fine. But can you do it or not? -Shira… 166 00:08:26,708 --> 00:08:29,333 I need some air. 167 00:08:29,416 --> 00:08:32,250 -Please drop it. -I'm going out there. Save our seats. 168 00:08:32,333 --> 00:08:35,291 I can't save three seats. People will give me dirty looks. 169 00:08:35,375 --> 00:08:37,416 I give people dirty looks for saving seats! 170 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:39,916 I don't wanna have to suss out seat-saving dirty looks 171 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,666 from racism dirty looks! 172 00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:44,750 We're going to be back in, like, two minutes. Enjoy the show. 173 00:08:44,833 --> 00:08:47,083 In funky Santa, I believe… 174 00:08:49,750 --> 00:08:53,041 -Sorry, these seats are taken. -You're not supposed to save seats. 175 00:08:53,125 --> 00:08:54,708 I'm not supposed to save seats, 176 00:08:54,791 --> 00:08:57,291 or I'm not supposed to save seats, hm? 177 00:08:59,041 --> 00:09:00,708 Why are you being so weird? 178 00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:02,416 Me? You're being weird. 179 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:05,791 It's a weird way of asking and a weird request in general. 180 00:09:05,875 --> 00:09:07,791 It's weird you don't see how weird it is. 181 00:09:07,875 --> 00:09:10,250 Sorry it's weird to have a gay sister who doesn't have sperm. 182 00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:11,750 That's not what this is about. 183 00:09:11,833 --> 00:09:14,333 I think I'm being pretty cool given that my sister 184 00:09:14,416 --> 00:09:17,291 -asked me to have a baby with her. -Oh, you're being cool? 185 00:09:17,375 --> 00:09:18,750 I'm sorry. I didn't realize. 186 00:09:18,833 --> 00:09:21,625 Thanks, man, for the coolness. Here's your cookie. 187 00:09:21,708 --> 00:09:23,041 Put that down unless you pay. 188 00:09:23,125 --> 00:09:25,083 -I'm sick of you playing the victim. -I am the victim. 189 00:09:25,166 --> 00:09:27,083 You can't be here unless you buy something. 190 00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:28,041 Fine. How much? 191 00:09:28,125 --> 00:09:29,041 -Five dollars. -US? 192 00:09:29,125 --> 00:09:30,833 That's the second craziest thing I've heard tonight. 193 00:09:30,916 --> 00:09:32,125 What racket are you running? 194 00:09:32,208 --> 00:09:33,458 The proceeds go to charity. 195 00:09:33,541 --> 00:09:34,708 Oh. Well, that's nice. 196 00:09:34,791 --> 00:09:37,583 Why is everyone trying to get me to make a donation tonight? 197 00:09:37,666 --> 00:09:39,916 I'm not giving to charity just to keep arguing. 198 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,583 -You could do it for the charity. -I'm going back in. 199 00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:44,750 -How much for the Rice Krispie? -$6.50. 200 00:09:44,833 --> 00:09:47,083 It's inappropriate what you're doing. 201 00:09:47,166 --> 00:09:49,708 Santa's out here With a bag on these streets 202 00:09:49,791 --> 00:09:51,958 But Santa don't wear No red in Long Beach 203 00:09:52,041 --> 00:09:53,583 Sorry. Are these taken? 204 00:09:53,666 --> 00:09:55,708 Yes! That's why I'm sitting like this. 205 00:09:55,791 --> 00:09:57,833 By the way, I love this song. 206 00:09:57,916 --> 00:10:00,375 I'll let the committee know. They'll be thrilled. 207 00:10:00,458 --> 00:10:01,291 Excuse me. 208 00:10:01,916 --> 00:10:02,791 Oh, thank God. 209 00:10:04,041 --> 00:10:06,833 You know what? I don't even want your sperm. 210 00:10:06,916 --> 00:10:07,833 Forget I asked. 211 00:10:07,916 --> 00:10:10,333 I can't forget. It's my sperm! 212 00:10:10,416 --> 00:10:11,708 Please stop saying "sperm." 213 00:10:11,791 --> 00:10:14,208 You're taking back the ask before I can even say yes. 214 00:10:14,291 --> 00:10:15,375 Are you saying yes? 215 00:10:15,458 --> 00:10:17,500 No! Uh… I don't know! 216 00:10:18,791 --> 00:10:20,666 -Sir, I have to ask you to leave. -Me? 217 00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:22,458 And in the spirit of the holidays, 218 00:10:22,541 --> 00:10:25,166 please stop shouting about your ejaculate. 219 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:27,708 Oh, "holidays"? Now that it's me, it's "holidays"? 220 00:10:27,791 --> 00:10:31,375 We all know which holiday you don't want me shouting over with my ejaculate. 221 00:10:31,458 --> 00:10:32,625 -Sir. -I'm leaving! 222 00:10:32,708 --> 00:10:36,791 The Jew is leaving. And I'm taking my sperm too. 223 00:10:36,875 --> 00:10:37,875 Mm-mm. 224 00:10:37,958 --> 00:10:39,500 -Mm-mm. -Save our seats. 225 00:10:39,583 --> 00:10:41,750 Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa too 226 00:10:41,833 --> 00:10:43,500 We tolerate them all 227 00:10:43,583 --> 00:10:46,416 But there's nothing like Christmas 228 00:10:47,166 --> 00:10:48,708 -Hey, guys. -We know! 229 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,666 -I knew you'd disappoint me. -You didn't give me a chance! 230 00:10:52,750 --> 00:10:56,458 My whole life has been chances for you to not disappoint me. 231 00:10:56,541 --> 00:10:59,458 Like when you wouldn't give me a ride from Alex Resnick's party. 232 00:10:59,541 --> 00:11:01,791 Why were you at that party? Those were my friends. 233 00:11:01,875 --> 00:11:03,750 Or you wouldn't take me to Lord of the Rings. 234 00:11:03,833 --> 00:11:05,875 -I still haven't seen it. -How do you have this list? 235 00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:07,833 I have a list because I remember my trauma. 236 00:11:07,916 --> 00:11:10,333 Not seeing Lord of the Rings is not trauma. 237 00:11:10,416 --> 00:11:13,041 -Not by itself, but collectively. -It's FOMO. FOMO Baggins. 238 00:11:13,125 --> 00:11:16,583 I carry trauma from not getting what I needed from my older brother. 239 00:11:16,666 --> 00:11:18,916 -No! That's-- -The same way Gollum carries around 240 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,000 -his "precious" whatever. -So you did see it! 241 00:11:21,083 --> 00:11:23,958 That's all I know! I picked it up through cultural osmosis! 242 00:11:24,041 --> 00:11:26,625 Well, sorry we don't all have as much "trauma" as you do. 243 00:11:26,708 --> 00:11:27,791 You have trauma too. 244 00:11:27,875 --> 00:11:31,916 Right. Because one time in high school, I didn't get invited to see American Pie, 245 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,750 and now I don't know what a milf is. 246 00:11:33,833 --> 00:11:35,125 I'm so traumatized. 247 00:11:35,208 --> 00:11:37,208 Oh, you want to talk about trauma? 248 00:11:37,291 --> 00:11:40,625 Let's talk about your internalized antisemitism. What's that about? 249 00:11:40,708 --> 00:11:44,375 I don't have internalized antisemitism. It's just all the other Jews I don't like. 250 00:11:45,458 --> 00:11:47,250 That's a joke. Oy vey. 251 00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:50,625 We were actually already fighting out here. 252 00:11:50,708 --> 00:11:52,208 Can you, like, go inside? 253 00:11:52,291 --> 00:11:53,875 -Oh. Sorry. Our bad. -I didn't realize. 254 00:11:53,958 --> 00:11:57,208 I'm not going to wash dishes before I put them in the dishwasher. 255 00:11:57,291 --> 00:12:00,416 But that means I have to wash them again when I take them out! 256 00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:02,875 Then why do we have a dishwasher, Deborah? 257 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,666 -We're fighting here now. -All right. 258 00:12:06,750 --> 00:12:08,791 You're doing Christmas with Jen's parents. 259 00:12:08,875 --> 00:12:10,500 You're calling Judaism nonsense. 260 00:12:10,583 --> 00:12:13,708 Okay, well, excuse me, but it was suffocating. 261 00:12:13,791 --> 00:12:17,000 We had to learn another language, only be with people like us, 262 00:12:17,083 --> 00:12:19,083 eat fish that looks like a brain, 263 00:12:19,166 --> 00:12:21,333 be afraid all the time. 264 00:12:21,416 --> 00:12:23,375 -I know. -Those stories about the Holocaust, 265 00:12:23,458 --> 00:12:25,291 the Inquisition, Masada. 266 00:12:25,375 --> 00:12:27,583 Learning everyone hates you and wants to kill you 267 00:12:27,666 --> 00:12:29,875 doesn't exactly make for a well-adjusted person. 268 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:31,750 -But it's true. -And it's not even true! 269 00:12:31,833 --> 00:12:33,958 -Most people aren't thinking about us. -Rude. 270 00:12:34,041 --> 00:12:36,458 So are we just going to keep telling these stories, 271 00:12:36,541 --> 00:12:39,916 praying to a God we don't believe in, and staying in on Friday nights 272 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,833 while everyone else is out having sex and eating shrimp? 273 00:12:42,916 --> 00:12:45,625 -Who was? -I don't know! I was busy ripping challah! 274 00:12:45,708 --> 00:12:47,583 Okay, being Jewish is a lot of tsuris. 275 00:12:47,666 --> 00:12:50,875 Yeah, and you expect me to put all that on my wife and daughter? 276 00:12:50,958 --> 00:12:53,333 They're free. Why would I give them that? 277 00:12:53,416 --> 00:12:56,208 Everything you're saying, there's actually a word for it. 278 00:12:56,291 --> 00:12:57,708 -"Trauma." -Fine! 279 00:12:57,791 --> 00:13:00,666 -Thank you for your support. -What's the charity, by the way? 280 00:13:00,750 --> 00:13:01,875 I don't want to say. 281 00:13:01,958 --> 00:13:05,083 It has to do with pandas, but not in the way you want. 282 00:13:05,166 --> 00:13:06,000 Huh. 283 00:13:06,083 --> 00:13:11,958 Santa is my boyfriend And he fills my sack with toys 284 00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:14,250 Could you save my seat too? Thanks, sister. 285 00:13:14,333 --> 00:13:15,291 What? Ugh. 286 00:13:15,375 --> 00:13:18,083 So Katie told Kim that Jeff and Julie were hanging out… 287 00:13:18,166 --> 00:13:20,875 -Sorry, girls, those two are saved. -Oh my God, seriously? 288 00:13:20,958 --> 00:13:23,916 -You can't sit here. -And Kim got mad at Katie, not Jeff. 289 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,541 -These are saved? -That's effed up. 290 00:13:25,625 --> 00:13:26,541 So I was like… 291 00:13:26,625 --> 00:13:28,958 -Can you hear me? -…Jeff, tell Kim that nothing happened. 292 00:13:29,041 --> 00:13:31,583 -Am I a ghost right now? -And then Jeff tried to kiss me. 293 00:13:31,666 --> 00:13:35,416 -He did what?! -Now Kim and Katie are both pissed at me! 294 00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:37,750 -It's not your fault! -Jeff wants you to apologize 295 00:13:37,833 --> 00:13:39,125 -for breaking them up? -Yeah! 296 00:13:39,208 --> 00:13:41,166 Don't apologize to that man! 297 00:13:41,250 --> 00:13:43,000 Don't shush me. I'm right. 298 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,541 -Let me see. Let me see. -Ta-da! 299 00:13:46,625 --> 00:13:48,333 You're gorgeous. Okay, who's next? 300 00:13:48,416 --> 00:13:50,125 You're amazing, Jen. 301 00:13:50,208 --> 00:13:53,833 In a terrible crisis, you have the head of a cucumber. 302 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:54,750 This is nothing. 303 00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:57,541 When I did plays in New York, every night was a catastrophe. 304 00:13:57,625 --> 00:14:01,958 What providence brought you to my life? How could you leave the city of dreams? 305 00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:03,625 Well, that's a short story. 306 00:14:03,708 --> 00:14:07,458 I was scrambling all the time to put up plays with my friends that nobody came to. 307 00:14:07,541 --> 00:14:08,666 The artist's life, no? 308 00:14:08,750 --> 00:14:10,583 We did The Anus Monologues. 309 00:14:10,666 --> 00:14:13,416 The tagline was, "Behind every successful vagina 310 00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:14,750 is an anus." 311 00:14:14,833 --> 00:14:16,125 Provocatif. 312 00:14:16,208 --> 00:14:21,041 And I just kept fantasizing. What if I had a normal job in a normal place? 313 00:14:21,125 --> 00:14:22,541 Impossible! 314 00:14:22,625 --> 00:14:25,291 Well, then Avi and I came out to Santa Rosa for a wedding. 315 00:14:25,375 --> 00:14:29,791 There was this guy at our table, the music editor for The North Bay Bohemian. 316 00:14:29,875 --> 00:14:32,208 He was telling Avi about this internship they had. 317 00:14:32,291 --> 00:14:34,833 And, um, I thought, 318 00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,916 well, if we moved out here for him, 319 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,958 then it's not like I gave up. 320 00:14:40,041 --> 00:14:41,958 You know? 321 00:14:43,166 --> 00:14:45,458 Or maybe you did not give up. 322 00:14:50,125 --> 00:14:51,291 I don't get it, Shira. 323 00:14:51,375 --> 00:14:53,458 If growing up in our family so ruined you 324 00:14:53,541 --> 00:14:55,750 -because of all the trauma… -I didn't say it ruined me. 325 00:14:55,833 --> 00:14:57,208 Why do you even want kids? 326 00:14:57,291 --> 00:15:01,083 So in 30 years, a couple other damaged adults can shout at each other about you? 327 00:15:03,833 --> 00:15:05,958 Surf's up for Christmas! 328 00:15:06,041 --> 00:15:07,750 "Surf's up for Christmas"? 329 00:15:07,833 --> 00:15:08,916 Hannah's up next. 330 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:10,333 Okay. 331 00:15:10,416 --> 00:15:12,416 Surf's up for Christmas! 332 00:15:27,541 --> 00:15:28,625 Uh… 333 00:15:28,708 --> 00:15:29,541 Ooh. 334 00:15:34,625 --> 00:15:35,666 Ah! 335 00:15:42,125 --> 00:15:43,083 All right! 336 00:15:43,166 --> 00:15:45,625 Whoo! All right! 337 00:15:45,708 --> 00:15:48,375 Hannah! 338 00:15:48,458 --> 00:15:49,416 Whoo! 339 00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:50,500 That. 340 00:15:51,125 --> 00:15:52,625 That's why I want kids. 341 00:15:56,208 --> 00:15:58,666 -Mommy! -Oh, you were amazing. 342 00:15:58,750 --> 00:15:59,791 We did it! 343 00:15:59,875 --> 00:16:03,791 Yeah, see? This is the part I miss. The feeling of pulling off a magic trick. 344 00:16:03,875 --> 00:16:06,125 -Oui, oui! -The amazement. The wonder. 345 00:16:06,958 --> 00:16:08,000 Oh. 346 00:16:08,083 --> 00:16:11,333 -Oh my God! What the hell? -Was that not cool? 347 00:16:11,416 --> 00:16:14,958 What? I'm sorry. What happened to your accent, Jean-Pierre? 348 00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:16,208 And your husband? 349 00:16:16,291 --> 00:16:18,208 It's actually JP. 350 00:16:18,291 --> 00:16:20,916 And I'm single. And straight. 351 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,166 Yeah, and from Riverside. 352 00:16:22,250 --> 00:16:24,666 -Oh, holy night. -But none of that matters. 353 00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:27,166 -It kind of does. -Don't you see? I was made for more, 354 00:16:27,250 --> 00:16:28,125 and so were you. 355 00:16:28,208 --> 00:16:30,458 We're two souls who yearn, man! 356 00:16:30,541 --> 00:16:33,333 No, I do not yearn. I'm good, man. 357 00:16:33,416 --> 00:16:36,250 Let me get this straight. You've been pretending to be French? 358 00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:38,416 In a way, aren't we all pretending? 359 00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:39,541 No! 360 00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:42,500 I needed a job! I graduated in a recession. 361 00:16:42,583 --> 00:16:45,333 Nobody's gonna hire a straight white guy to teach dance. 362 00:16:45,416 --> 00:16:47,250 -Ugh! -Would you trust me with kids? 363 00:16:47,333 --> 00:16:49,083 -You're disgusting. -Jen, wait! 364 00:16:49,166 --> 00:16:52,416 Please don't tell, how you say, my boss! 365 00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:55,750 It was Christmas in the lab When FrankenSanta said 366 00:16:55,833 --> 00:16:59,250 I've got bolts in my neck And presents in my sled 367 00:16:59,333 --> 00:17:01,708 Being a dad is hard. 368 00:17:01,791 --> 00:17:03,333 And yeah, of course it's worth it. 369 00:17:03,416 --> 00:17:07,791 But I never know if my parenting is helping more than it's hurting, you know? 370 00:17:07,875 --> 00:17:08,791 Makes sense. 371 00:17:08,875 --> 00:17:11,916 This "trauma" you keep talking about… 372 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,000 -is just the other side of parenting. -Enough with the quotes around "trauma" 373 00:17:15,083 --> 00:17:16,708 -like it's a thing I made up. -Shh! 374 00:17:16,791 --> 00:17:19,750 Sorry, but you just keep giving me these traumatic anecdotes. 375 00:17:19,833 --> 00:17:21,833 I can't get into the real stuff 376 00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,375 if you're gonna treat everything like an anecdote. 377 00:17:24,458 --> 00:17:26,250 No, I want to hear the real stuff. 378 00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:28,541 -Do you? -Yeah! Lay it on me! 379 00:17:29,333 --> 00:17:31,208 Oh my God! Now Jeff is mad at me! 380 00:17:31,291 --> 00:17:32,166 Quick, send nudes! 381 00:17:32,250 --> 00:17:33,916 Whose nudes? Mine or someone else's? 382 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,750 -No! No nudes! -Ew, lady! What the frick?! 383 00:17:35,833 --> 00:17:37,291 Give me phone back, I need! 384 00:17:37,375 --> 00:17:40,708 Girls! Girls! I remember what it's like to be 16. 385 00:17:40,791 --> 00:17:43,541 -We're 12. -I got my period when I was eight. 386 00:17:43,625 --> 00:17:44,541 Oh! 387 00:17:44,625 --> 00:17:47,750 Well, I remember what it's like to be young. 388 00:17:47,833 --> 00:17:52,791 Everything feels huge and important, but none of these people matter. 389 00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:54,208 Don't send nudes. 390 00:17:54,291 --> 00:17:55,666 Whatever, "Mom." 391 00:17:55,750 --> 00:17:57,291 I'm not your mom! 392 00:17:57,375 --> 00:18:02,291 Oh my God. When you're a mom, you're invisible. 393 00:18:06,958 --> 00:18:09,250 All right, traumatize me. 394 00:18:09,333 --> 00:18:11,000 Okay. Jersey Shore, 395 00:18:11,083 --> 00:18:12,666 1991. 396 00:18:12,750 --> 00:18:14,541 Ah! 397 00:18:14,625 --> 00:18:17,500 Lifeguard! The water's making me drown! 398 00:18:27,125 --> 00:18:28,375 Oh! 399 00:18:35,791 --> 00:18:36,916 Avi! 400 00:18:38,625 --> 00:18:39,541 Avi, please! 401 00:18:41,541 --> 00:18:42,666 Help me, Avi! 402 00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:45,000 Ah. 403 00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:46,458 I'm drowning! 404 00:18:52,333 --> 00:18:54,625 What are you doing out here? What's the matter with… 405 00:18:54,708 --> 00:18:56,166 Where are your freaking parents? 406 00:18:56,250 --> 00:18:57,958 Hey, keep an eye on your kid. 407 00:18:58,041 --> 00:19:00,208 Shira, what were you doing by yourself? 408 00:19:00,291 --> 00:19:02,666 You couldn't stay with your brother? 409 00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:03,708 I'm sorry. 410 00:19:09,958 --> 00:19:13,458 I got in trouble, and you got to keep playing. 411 00:19:14,666 --> 00:19:15,708 Wow. 412 00:19:15,791 --> 00:19:18,166 I was so scared and so small. 413 00:19:19,708 --> 00:19:20,625 I… 414 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:22,916 But, like… 415 00:19:24,041 --> 00:19:25,583 I was nine. 416 00:19:25,666 --> 00:19:27,791 -Are you serious right now? -I'm just saying, 417 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,750 -I was a kid. It's pretty unfair… -I can't believe you. 418 00:19:29,833 --> 00:19:31,458 How could you not see what a big deal this was 419 00:19:31,541 --> 00:19:34,041 after I just spelled out this traumatic memory? 420 00:19:34,125 --> 00:19:36,833 A memory you've held onto for decades 421 00:19:36,916 --> 00:19:39,250 -and just told me about. -When would I have told you before? 422 00:19:39,333 --> 00:19:43,083 You've never taken me seriously, first of all, and secondly, we never talk. 423 00:19:43,166 --> 00:19:44,416 -We do. -You never call. 424 00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:46,875 You never answer my calls. You certainly don't visit. 425 00:19:46,958 --> 00:19:48,500 We came to Oakland that one time. 426 00:19:48,583 --> 00:19:52,083 One time. I'd take it personally, but you never see Mom and Dad either. 427 00:19:52,166 --> 00:19:53,000 That's not fair. 428 00:19:53,083 --> 00:19:54,833 Mom only invites us for the holidays 429 00:19:54,916 --> 00:19:57,833 because she wants me to feel guilty about not doing the holidays. 430 00:19:57,916 --> 00:19:59,208 It's not a real invitation. 431 00:19:59,291 --> 00:20:02,708 Because she wants to see you. She's afraid if she just asks, you'll say no. 432 00:20:02,791 --> 00:20:04,916 -Maybe we're not that kind of family. -But we could be. 433 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,625 -Not the calling, visiting type. -But we could be! 434 00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:10,166 You could check in once in a while. 435 00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:13,166 I check in! We play Words with Friends. 436 00:20:13,250 --> 00:20:16,125 That's not checking in, and you know it. 437 00:20:19,208 --> 00:20:20,500 Did you see? Did you see? 438 00:20:20,583 --> 00:20:22,083 -You were astonishing! -Cannibal! 439 00:20:22,166 --> 00:20:23,333 Just like you practiced! 440 00:20:23,416 --> 00:20:25,916 -Should be illegal how brilliant you are. -So proud of you. 441 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,083 Oh, that's a lot. 442 00:20:28,166 --> 00:20:30,458 Enjoy it. A panda may have died for it. 443 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,375 -It was good to see you. All right. -Bye! 444 00:20:33,458 --> 00:20:34,625 Bye. 445 00:20:34,708 --> 00:20:37,375 -See you. -Thanks for coming up. We owe you a visit. 446 00:20:37,458 --> 00:20:38,833 We're not keeping track. 447 00:20:39,666 --> 00:20:40,833 Meet you at the car? 448 00:20:45,166 --> 00:20:48,541 Sorry, Shir. I didn't mean to freak out like that. 449 00:20:48,625 --> 00:20:50,375 It was a big ask. 450 00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,333 And I did ask weird. 451 00:20:53,083 --> 00:20:54,250 I just… 452 00:20:55,833 --> 00:20:59,708 have a hard time needing things, you know? 453 00:21:00,208 --> 00:21:01,208 Shira, I, uh… 454 00:21:02,708 --> 00:21:05,750 I do want to do this for you. I just… 455 00:21:05,833 --> 00:21:10,666 I need to hear that you want me for a specific reason, you know? 456 00:21:10,750 --> 00:21:16,000 You want your kid to be funny, like me, or kind, like me, 457 00:21:16,083 --> 00:21:19,333 or, uh, a good brother. 458 00:21:22,125 --> 00:21:24,041 Look, Avi. 459 00:21:25,708 --> 00:21:28,458 I can't say what you want me to say. 460 00:21:29,291 --> 00:21:30,333 Okay. 461 00:21:30,416 --> 00:21:33,791 It feels not real if you're asking me to say it, you know? 462 00:21:34,375 --> 00:21:35,250 Yeah. 463 00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:39,416 It doesn't matter. I still wanna do it, even if you can't say it. 464 00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:43,333 I think I made it too weird. It's, it's too weird now. 465 00:21:43,416 --> 00:21:45,291 Yeah, no, yeah, of course, right. 466 00:21:45,375 --> 00:21:46,583 But, but it's okay. 467 00:21:47,083 --> 00:21:48,125 We're okay. 468 00:21:48,208 --> 00:21:49,041 Sure. 469 00:21:50,791 --> 00:21:51,750 Hey, listen… 470 00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:53,416 You know? 471 00:21:54,375 --> 00:21:57,291 Yeah, I know. You too. 472 00:22:03,708 --> 00:22:08,000 And then Mary looked at me, and I thought I was going to laugh. 473 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:10,708 Hey, uh… 474 00:22:11,625 --> 00:22:13,375 -Thank you. -For what? 475 00:22:13,458 --> 00:22:16,375 For moving here with me. 476 00:22:17,041 --> 00:22:20,875 Seeing Hannah up there, this is just such a great place for her. 477 00:22:20,958 --> 00:22:25,125 It is. And it's great that we're so near your family. 478 00:22:26,250 --> 00:22:30,333 Yeah, I just want you to know 479 00:22:30,416 --> 00:22:32,125 I really appreciate you. 480 00:22:32,750 --> 00:22:33,625 I know. 481 00:22:34,916 --> 00:22:35,750 Thanks. 482 00:22:37,583 --> 00:22:38,541 Hey, 483 00:22:39,625 --> 00:22:41,625 maybe we should give Hannah a sibling. 484 00:22:42,125 --> 00:22:43,041 Oh. 485 00:22:43,833 --> 00:22:44,833 Um… 486 00:22:46,500 --> 00:22:50,750 Ugh, I really thought he'd come through. He seriously said no? 487 00:22:51,750 --> 00:22:53,125 He wasn't up for it. 488 00:22:58,666 --> 00:23:01,458 So, Plan B? 489 00:23:02,458 --> 00:23:03,625 Yeah, sure, I'll do it. 490 00:23:03,708 --> 00:23:06,916 -Seriously? That's amazing. -I mean, I've got so much of it. 491 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:08,666 -Gotta put it somewhere. -Okay, well… 492 00:23:08,750 --> 00:23:11,791 Yeah, I can't believe you flew all the way out just to ask me. 493 00:23:11,875 --> 00:23:14,416 -I gotta tell you, I'm honored. -I wanted to do it right. 494 00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:16,583 You and Avi, you guys are so close in age, 495 00:23:16,666 --> 00:23:18,958 sometimes I just feel like the extra one. 496 00:23:19,041 --> 00:23:22,291 You coming to me first, it really… it really does mean a lot. 497 00:23:22,375 --> 00:23:23,750 Uh-huh. 498 00:23:23,833 --> 00:23:29,250 It's a golly, jolly, holy, happy day 499 00:23:29,333 --> 00:23:35,208 There's a snowman drinking eggnog In a sleigh, havin' his way 500 00:23:35,291 --> 00:23:38,250 So don't you moan and don't you peep 501 00:23:38,333 --> 00:23:40,833 God watches while you sleep 502 00:23:40,916 --> 00:23:45,250 You know, Jesus and Santa They come to Indiana to pray 503 00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:50,083 It's a jingle-jangle-jongly-joy 504 00:23:50,166 --> 00:23:52,083 What a time to be a goy 505 00:23:52,166 --> 00:23:56,208 'Cause winter holidays are here again 506 00:23:57,875 --> 00:24:03,250 I said the winter holidays Are here again 507 00:24:03,833 --> 00:24:07,250 Thank you, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior! 508 00:24:07,333 --> 00:24:10,041 Good night, Vatican City! Good night! avior!