Ow! What the…
You can't touch it with your hands. Are you stupid?
Etan, Gilad, be nice to your cousin.
They won't, but I have to say it.
Avi, you can't use your hands.
Bringing a baby to the beach?
I don't know, Naomi. The sun gets very hot.
You invited us to the beach.
It's a good baby.
I like that he doesn't talk much.
I wish my babies had been slow like that.
You should have seen the bris. Not a peep.
And not too much blood. Not like Avi's.
I'm gonna go play with Shira.
I wish we could have come to the bris, but it's such a schlep.
Jersey to California.
Would you believe? It's the same distance from California to Jersey.
Yes, but you are the one who moved to California, Naomi.
Where we also have beaches, if you'd like to see sometime.
Lifeguard! Help!
I'll save you!
Ah. Thanks. Okay, my turn.
Ah! Lifeguard! The water's making me drown!
Avi! Come play!
Avi! Please!
You can go play Baywatch mouth-to-mouth with your sister if you want.
Help me, Avi! I'm drowning!
Ah, she's fine. Let's play.
Avi!
You asked for it.
You said you can't use hands!
-I'm the goalie! -Ow! My--
-You're nervous. -I've never asked anyone for a loan
-for anything in my life. -Well, it's not exactly a loan.
It's not like we can give it back.
No, I… I guess not.
You wanna practice? I'll be Avi.
"I like music, but also I hate it, and here's why in 1,000 words."
-If I overthink, it won't feel natural… -This is not overthinking?
-I'm sure he'll say no. -You never know.
Maybe if we have a baby, Avi and Jen will visit us.
They visited that one time.
They should want to come to us.
Oakland is fun. There's stuff to do.
Santa Rosa is just a bathroom break on the way to Napa.
Yeah, plus out here I get very… visible.
Strangers in the grocery store coming up to tell me how much they like Scandal?
I think people are just friendly outside the city.
-Do strangers talk to you about Scandal? -Are you gonna be okay tonight?
I'm just gonna try to be as invisible as possible.
I bet he's telling his wife he just saw Beyoncé.
-Oh, hi! Hey! -Really, guys, thanks for coming.
We wouldn't miss incredible, flawless Hannah's big dance recital.
-Where is she? I wanna see her. -She's backstage getting ready.
-Rude. -And heads up,
90% of the show features less cute, non-Hannah kids.
She's only on for like one song in the middle.
-That's okay. -Half the parents leave after their kid.
What's Hannah, chopped liver?
-I actually love chopped liver… -I do too. I don't know why I said that.
Point is, long show, no idea when Hannah goes on, so just wait.
I told you. After "Surf's Up for Christmas."
Okay, jeez.
After "Surf's Up for Christmas."
Oh, is this like a Christmas thing?
-Well, it's winter themed. -Oh yeah.
No, I promise, every number will be deeply, explicitly Christmas.
-Say what you will about Jews… -Who's saying anything about Jews?
…good sense not to push our nonsense on everyone.
-"Our nonsense"? -We just push it on our children.
In some cases, not even then.
-Speaking of children… -I'd be delighted if it was winter themed.
-Here we go. Okay. -Snowflakes, cocoa.
Instead, the kids have to mainline religion
-like a drug. -It's not religion. It's just Christmas.
Everybody celebrates Christmas.
-We don't celebrate Christmas. -Uh, yes, we do.
-You do? -When we visit your parents.
Yeah, every Christmas.
That's being with them while they celebrate Christmas.
-We're not celebrating. -I'm not gonna fight with you.
Oh, look, Christmas came early.
Well, I am not threatened by two hours of bad dancing to songs about Jesus.
After all, is not a schnook entitled to a night at the ballet?
-You laugh, but a schnook is entitled. -Too bad Mom couldn't be here.
Oh, she wanted to be here. They're on that river cruise.
She was furious I wouldn't ask to move the recital to a day they could make it.
-"Avi, just ask them." -"Would it kill you to ask?"
Speaking of people asking things,
there's something we wanted to ask you, right, Shira?
-Uh… -Oh yeah?
Any new music we should be listening to?
-Shira, that's not-- -No, it's all bad.
-Now you got him started. -Every band is doing
"disco night at the roller rink" crap now.
I've listened to the new Arcade Fire like 20 times.
I think maybe I'm the problem. They're telling me who they are.
Why try to convince myself they're the band I fell in love with?
Honestly, it's like I'm trapped in a bad marriage.
With the Arcade Fire?
Just Arcade Fire. There's no "the."
Hi. I love your shirt.
Thank you. It's happening.
I'm sorry, but it is a nice shirt… for any race.
Jen, I've been searching for you everywhere.
Jean-Pierre, why aren't you backstage with the girls?
There is a terrible emergency.
I need your assistance. Save me. I'm lost without you, Jen.
Okay, I'm coming.
Hey, is everything okay?
Avi, I literally have the same information you do. I'm going to find out.
She's going to find out.
Mommy, it won't stay up.
I see that. Why are they so big?
We wanted tutus. We got four-fours.
Oh no. These are in adult sizes.
Sacre bleu, croque monsieur, la Tour Eiffel!
I should not have put my husband in charge of wardrobe.
He is gorgeous, but quite stupid.
That sounds mean in English, but in French…
In any case, we are finished!
I can fix this.
-How? -Well, one time, back in college,
my theater company wanted to put on The Cripple of Inishmaan.
Only we had no budget for a set.
But it was right after St. Patrick's Day,
so we took all the four-leaf clovers and leprechaun decorations from the dorms.
And voila! Ireland!
I love that you say voila.
We can make new costumes for the girls.
Now I know why they call you Jen.
Because you are a Jen-ius.
Oh! Oh.
Uh, if you can't do it tonight, we can ask another--
I can do this.
I've been psyching myself up, playing jock jams in my head.
If I don't do it now, I won't do it at all.
Hey, bro.
Hey, sis.
So, Kendra and I want kids. We always have.
-Oh, great! -We're in our thirties,
which is when your biological clock stops being polite and starts getting real.
-Sure. Yeah. -We did tests,
and my eggs are garbage. Thanks, Mom.
But Kendra's are grade A, farm-fresh, free-range.
Free-range? Where do they go?
Maybe this is more of an intermission conversation.
We need sperm to make a baby, and we don't have any lying around,
not since we got rid of that Craigslist couch.
Furniture on Craigslist? You're in your thirties!
Hey, we know someone
who not only happens to share my genetic code,
but also has the little tadpoles in him at all times.
-That's why I came to you. -I'm sorry. I lost the thread.
We want your sperm, dude.
Oh, uh…
You don't wanna miss this funky-dunky Christmas!
You want my sperm? Like, my actual…
How does it… Like, do I have to have sex with Kendra?
"Have to"? You mean "get to."
No, it's all tubes, man. The future is tubes.
I don't know why you're acting like what you just said is normal.
We can talk later. This might not be the most wonderful time of the year.
It just kind of feels like a big ask.
-Okay, fine. But can you do it or not? -Shira…
I need some air.
-Please drop it. -I'm going out there. Save our seats.
I can't save three seats. People will give me dirty looks.
I give people dirty looks for saving seats!
I don't wanna have to suss out seat-saving dirty looks
from racism dirty looks!
We're going to be back in, like, two minutes. Enjoy the show.
In funky Santa, I believe…
-Sorry, these seats are taken. -You're not supposed to save seats.
I'm not supposed to save seats,
or I'm not supposed to save seats, hm?
Why are you being so weird?
Me? You're being weird.
It's a weird way of asking and a weird request in general.
It's weird you don't see how weird it is.
Sorry it's weird to have a gay sister who doesn't have sperm.
That's not what this is about.
I think I'm being pretty cool given that my sister
-asked me to have a baby with her. -Oh, you're being cool?
I'm sorry. I didn't realize.
Thanks, man, for the coolness. Here's your cookie.
Put that down unless you pay.
-I'm sick of you playing the victim. -I am the victim.
You can't be here unless you buy something.
Fine. How much?
-Five dollars. -US?
That's the second craziest thing I've heard tonight.
What racket are you running?
The proceeds go to charity.
Oh. Well, that's nice.
Why is everyone trying to get me to make a donation tonight?
I'm not giving to charity just to keep arguing.
-You could do it for the charity. -I'm going back in.
-How much for the Rice Krispie? -$6.50.
It's inappropriate what you're doing.
Santa's out here With a bag on these streets
But Santa don't wear No red in Long Beach
Sorry. Are these taken?
Yes! That's why I'm sitting like this.
By the way, I love this song.
I'll let the committee know. They'll be thrilled.
Excuse me.
Oh, thank God.
You know what? I don't even want your sperm.
Forget I asked.
I can't forget. It's my sperm!
Please stop saying "sperm."
You're taking back the ask before I can even say yes.
Are you saying yes?
No! Uh… I don't know!
-Sir, I have to ask you to leave. -Me?
And in the spirit of the holidays,
please stop shouting about your ejaculate.
Oh, "holidays"? Now that it's me, it's "holidays"?
We all know which holiday you don't want me shouting over with my ejaculate.
-Sir. -I'm leaving!
The Jew is leaving. And I'm taking my sperm too.
Mm-mm.
-Mm-mm. -Save our seats.
Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa too
We tolerate them all
But there's nothing like Christmas
-Hey, guys. -We know!
-I knew you'd disappoint me. -You didn't give me a chance!
My whole life has been chances for you to not disappoint me.
Like when you wouldn't give me a ride from Alex Resnick's party.
Why were you at that party? Those were my friends.
Or you wouldn't take me to Lord of the Rings.
-I still haven't seen it. -How do you have this list?
I have a list because I remember my trauma.
Not seeing Lord of the Rings is not trauma.
-Not by itself, but collectively. -It's FOMO. FOMO Baggins.
I carry trauma from not getting what I needed from my older brother.
-No! That's-- -The same way Gollum carries around
-his "precious" whatever. -So you did see it!
That's all I know! I picked it up through cultural osmosis!
Well, sorry we don't all have as much "trauma" as you do.
You have trauma too.
Right. Because one time in high school, I didn't get invited to see American Pie,
and now I don't know what a milf is.
I'm so traumatized.
Oh, you want to talk about trauma?
Let's talk about your internalized antisemitism. What's that about?
I don't have internalized antisemitism. It's just all the other Jews I don't like.
That's a joke. Oy vey.
We were actually already fighting out here.
Can you, like, go inside?
-Oh. Sorry. Our bad. -I didn't realize.
I'm not going to wash dishes before I put them in the dishwasher.
But that means I have to wash them again when I take them out!
Then why do we have a dishwasher, Deborah?
-We're fighting here now. -All right.
You're doing Christmas with Jen's parents.
You're calling Judaism nonsense.
Okay, well, excuse me, but it was suffocating.
We had to learn another language, only be with people like us,
eat fish that looks like a brain,
be afraid all the time.
-I know. -Those stories about the Holocaust,
the Inquisition, Masada.
Learning everyone hates you and wants to kill you
doesn't exactly make for a well-adjusted person.
-But it's true. -And it's not even true!
-Most people aren't thinking about us. -Rude.
So are we just going to keep telling these stories,
praying to a God we don't believe in, and staying in on Friday nights
while everyone else is out having sex and eating shrimp?
-Who was? -I don't know! I was busy ripping challah!
Okay, being Jewish is a lot of tsuris.
Yeah, and you expect me to put all that on my wife and daughter?
They're free. Why would I give them that?
Everything you're saying, there's actually a word for it.
-"Trauma." -Fine!
-Thank you for your support. -What's the charity, by the way?
I don't want to say.
It has to do with pandas, but not in the way you want.
Huh.
Santa is my boyfriend And he fills my sack with toys
Could you save my seat too? Thanks, sister.
What? Ugh.
So Katie told Kim that Jeff and Julie were hanging out…
-Sorry, girls, those two are saved. -Oh my God, seriously?
-You can't sit here. -And Kim got mad at Katie, not Jeff.
-These are saved? -That's effed up.
So I was like…
-Can you hear me? -…Jeff, tell Kim that nothing happened.
-Am I a ghost right now? -And then Jeff tried to kiss me.
-He did what?! -Now Kim and Katie are both pissed at me!
-It's not your fault! -Jeff wants you to apologize
-for breaking them up? -Yeah!
Don't apologize to that man!
Don't shush me. I'm right.
-Let me see. Let me see. -Ta-da!
You're gorgeous. Okay, who's next?
You're amazing, Jen.
In a terrible crisis, you have the head of a cucumber.
This is nothing.
When I did plays in New York, every night was a catastrophe.
What providence brought you to my life? How could you leave the city of dreams?
Well, that's a short story.
I was scrambling all the time to put up plays with my friends that nobody came to.
The artist's life, no?
We did The Anus Monologues.
The tagline was, "Behind every successful vagina
is an anus."
Provocatif.
And I just kept fantasizing. What if I had a normal job in a normal place?
Impossible!
Well, then Avi and I came out to Santa Rosa for a wedding.
There was this guy at our table, the music editor for The North Bay Bohemian.
He was telling Avi about this internship they had.
And, um, I thought,
well, if we moved out here for him,
then it's not like I gave up.
You know?
Or maybe you did not give up.
I don't get it, Shira.
If growing up in our family so ruined you
-because of all the trauma… -I didn't say it ruined me.
Why do you even want kids?
So in 30 years, a couple other damaged adults can shout at each other about you?
Surf's up for Christmas!
"Surf's up for Christmas"?
Hannah's up next.
Okay.
Surf's up for Christmas!
Uh…
Ooh.
Ah!
All right!
Whoo! All right!
Hannah!
Whoo!
That.
That's why I want kids.
-Mommy! -Oh, you were amazing.
We did it!
Yeah, see? This is the part I miss. The feeling of pulling off a magic trick.
-Oui, oui! -The amazement. The wonder.
Oh.
-Oh my God! What the hell? -Was that not cool?
What? I'm sorry. What happened to your accent, Jean-Pierre?
And your husband?
It's actually JP.
And I'm single. And straight.
Yeah, and from Riverside.
-Oh, holy night. -But none of that matters.
-It kind of does. -Don't you see? I was made for more,
and so were you.
We're two souls who yearn, man!
No, I do not yearn. I'm good, man.
Let me get this straight. You've been pretending to be French?
In a way, aren't we all pretending?
No!
I needed a job! I graduated in a recession.
Nobody's gonna hire a straight white guy to teach dance.
-Ugh! -Would you trust me with kids?
-You're disgusting. -Jen, wait!
Please don't tell, how you say, my boss!
It was Christmas in the lab When FrankenSanta said
I've got bolts in my neck And presents in my sled
Being a dad is hard.
And yeah, of course it's worth it.
But I never know if my parenting is helping more than it's hurting, you know?
Makes sense.
This "trauma" you keep talking about…
-is just the other side of parenting. -Enough with the quotes around "trauma"
-like it's a thing I made up. -Shh!
Sorry, but you just keep giving me these traumatic anecdotes.
I can't get into the real stuff
if you're gonna treat everything like an anecdote.
No, I want to hear the real stuff.
-Do you? -Yeah! Lay it on me!
Oh my God! Now Jeff is mad at me!
Quick, send nudes!
Whose nudes? Mine or someone else's?
-No! No nudes! -Ew, lady! What the frick?!
Give me phone back, I need!
Girls! Girls! I remember what it's like to be 16.
-We're 12. -I got my period when I was eight.
Oh!
Well, I remember what it's like to be young.
Everything feels huge and important, but none of these people matter.
Don't send nudes.
Whatever, "Mom."
I'm not your mom!
Oh my God. When you're a mom, you're invisible.
All right, traumatize me.
Okay. Jersey Shore,
1991.
Ah!
Lifeguard! The water's making me drown!
Oh!
Avi!
Avi, please!
Help me, Avi!
Ah.
I'm drowning!
What are you doing out here? What's the matter with…
Where are your freaking parents?
Hey, keep an eye on your kid.
Shira, what were you doing by yourself?
You couldn't stay with your brother?
I'm sorry.
I got in trouble, and you got to keep playing.
Wow.
I was so scared and so small.
I…
But, like…
I was nine.
-Are you serious right now? -I'm just saying,
-I was a kid. It's pretty unfair… -I can't believe you.
How could you not see what a big deal this was
after I just spelled out this traumatic memory?
A memory you've held onto for decades
-and just told me about. -When would I have told you before?
You've never taken me seriously, first of all, and secondly, we never talk.
-We do. -You never call.
You never answer my calls. You certainly don't visit.
We came to Oakland that one time.
One time. I'd take it personally, but you never see Mom and Dad either.
That's not fair.
Mom only invites us for the holidays
because she wants me to feel guilty about not doing the holidays.
It's not a real invitation.
Because she wants to see you. She's afraid if she just asks, you'll say no.
-Maybe we're not that kind of family. -But we could be.
-Not the calling, visiting type. -But we could be!
You could check in once in a while.
I check in! We play Words with Friends.
That's not checking in, and you know it.
Did you see? Did you see?
-You were astonishing! -Cannibal!
Just like you practiced!
-Should be illegal how brilliant you are. -So proud of you.
Oh, that's a lot.
Enjoy it. A panda may have died for it.
-It was good to see you. All right. -Bye!
Bye.
-See you. -Thanks for coming up. We owe you a visit.
We're not keeping track.
Meet you at the car?
Sorry, Shir. I didn't mean to freak out like that.
It was a big ask.
And I did ask weird.
I just…
have a hard time needing things, you know?
Shira, I, uh…
I do want to do this for you. I just…
I need to hear that you want me for a specific reason, you know?
You want your kid to be funny, like me, or kind, like me,
or, uh, a good brother.
Look, Avi.
I can't say what you want me to say.
Okay.
It feels not real if you're asking me to say it, you know?
Yeah.
It doesn't matter. I still wanna do it, even if you can't say it.
I think I made it too weird. It's, it's too weird now.
Yeah, no, yeah, of course, right.
But, but it's okay.
We're okay.
Sure.
Hey, listen…
You know?
Yeah, I know. You too.
And then Mary looked at me, and I thought I was going to laugh.
Hey, uh…
-Thank you. -For what?
For moving here with me.
Seeing Hannah up there, this is just such a great place for her.
It is. And it's great that we're so near your family.
Yeah, I just want you to know
I really appreciate you.
I know.
Thanks.
Hey,
maybe we should give Hannah a sibling.
Oh.
Um…
Ugh, I really thought he'd come through. He seriously said no?
He wasn't up for it.
So, Plan B?
Yeah, sure, I'll do it.
-Seriously? That's amazing. -I mean, I've got so much of it.
-Gotta put it somewhere. -Okay, well…
Yeah, I can't believe you flew all the way out just to ask me.
-I gotta tell you, I'm honored. -I wanted to do it right.
You and Avi, you guys are so close in age,
sometimes I just feel like the extra one.
You coming to me first, it really… it really does mean a lot.
Uh-huh.
It's a golly, jolly, holy, happy day
There's a snowman drinking eggnog In a sleigh, havin' his way
So don't you moan and don't you peep
God watches while you sleep
You know, Jesus and Santa They come to Indiana to pray
It's a jingle-jangle-jongly-joy
What a time to be a goy
'Cause winter holidays are here again
I said the winter holidays Are here again
Thank you, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior!
Good night, Vatican City! Good night! avior!