Oh God, okay.
Um…
Hm.
I'm sorry, I normally don't do this.
-No need to start now. -But this is the express lane, so…
Uh-huh.
It's 12 items or less, so…
I've got around… 12 items.
Sure.
Just, it's not, "Around 12 items or less," is it?
Are you kidding me?
Did I miss the part that says, "12 or less, or more? Up to you."
Maybe you missed where it says, "Mind your own business."
-I'm in a hurry. -Oh, you're in a hurry.
I am making pomegranate chicken for 20 people.
Some of us have actual Rosh Hashanah meals to cook.
I see you volunteered for apples and honey duty.
-Ooh. Don't throw your back out. -I was delegated apples and honey.
-My mom doesn't trust me in the kitchen. -Don't take your mommy issues out on me.
For your information, my mom is right to not trust me in the kitchen,
so that's not even what my mommy issues are about.
Don't assume you know my deal 'cause I'm buying the correct number of items.
I'm not assuming anything. You're announcing your whole deal.
But congratulations on getting invited to a Rosh Hashanah dinner.
-Shana Tova, by the way. -How do you know I'm not hosting?
-Shana Tova to you. -I think the line's moving.
-We're in the middle of a conversation! -Can you chill out for one second?
Are you Jewish?
What? You keeping a list? Hot Black Jews in the Oakland area?
Um… No.
Maybe you should make a list of hot white Jews.
Huh. I don't know if you're Jew enough for the hot Jews list.
That honey bear doesn't have a hechsher.
-I see why your mom doesn't trust you. -Damn it!
Save my place in line?
No.
Yeah, that's fair.
Ugh. These frames are terrible.
I look like Benjamin Franklin.
You mean you look like 100 bucks?
That's a bad amount of money to look like.
Those are my talons!
Vultures don't change clothes.
Yes, they do. They shed their feathers and grow new ones.
That's snakes.
Walter.
Okay, Ben. No crust and no yolks.
Oh no! I lost Ben.
I guess we can just give this very specifically prepared sandwich
to The Undeniable Isadora Duncan.
Okay, let's go. Sweatshirts.
I'll wear a sweatshirt if you let me watch one Papa Troll.
Oh, Walter. You know our internet doesn't get Papa Troll.
-Ugh! -Did music class get moved to Monday?
I can take them. You have the franchise meeting.
No! That's Friday. Monday's the entertainment meeting,
-and you know Noah won't do his damn job. -I gotcha.
Good. I have to cut the animatronics budget in half.
I can't imagine a BJ BananaFingers without BJ's Barnacle Bandstand.
That clam can really rap.
Why isn't anyone yelling?
-Oh! -Have you lost your damn minds?
Don't put sunscreen on The Undeniable Isadora Duncan!
-I don't want her to get cancer. -I do!
Should we skip this thing? I like Lekh L'kha better anyway.
Lekh, Lekh, Lekh…
That's like a cat with a hairball.
I thought we wanted our kids to get a Jewish education.
Yeah, but hairball school's 40 minutes away.
Altman Academy is literally on the way to CVS where they sell sunscreen,
which we'll need because Walter is now eating all of ours. Walter!
It's squirrel brains!
-Ben, look! -Walter, can we not today?
Okay, garden. This place is fancy.
For 30 grand a year, we could buy our own farm.
So Altman is too expensive, but Lekh L'kha is too far?
Hey. Are you a vulture?
And half cheetah, and half sorcerer! I'm really fast at spells.
Oh! And look at this sunflower.
-Hello, Mr. Sunflower. -Hi.
A talking sunflower.
-It was me. -No, it was Benjamin.
Pablo Luna, Head of Child Wellness, and don't blame me for the title.
Shira Schwooper, Kendra Hooper,
and Walter and Benjamin Hooper-Schwooper.
Super-duper. I know picking a school is a big decision,
but I believe we've created an environment that shepherds
kind, creative, well-adjusted humans.
And math, I promise. They also learn math.
-Would you like to see the school? -Yeah.
Hm-hm!
Yes! Whoo!
So that's pretty much the tour.
Anything we didn't cover?
No, we covered quite a lot.
Great. So the application is on our website.
Make sure you get it in early.
We usually get about 80 applications, and we have around 12 slots this year.
Around 12, or 12?
Oh, excuse me. I have other families to welcome,
but see you at the prospective parents potluck?
Pardon? A potluck?
It's just a chance for us to get to know your family.
It's all on the website, but no pressure.
Wow, triplets!
We have a problem. I'm in love with this place.
I wish I could go here. Like, not as a kid. Starting now.
We have to show up to that potluck.
Okay. Altman Academy.
Calendar. Potluck sign-up.
Verify email. Accept, accept, accept.
"Click only the pictures of bisexuals"?
How am I supposed to… Oh, definitely this guy, right?
Where are your glasses?
It says "Click the bicycles."
Oh, I'm in. I'm in.
There's a sign-up thing. Okay. "Veggie side," "savory dip," "napkins."
Can we do napkins?
They only have 12 slots.
-We want two! -But "napkin" says we're busy.
-We have full-time jobs. We don't need-- -We need to impress these people.
Shira, we're a lesbian couple with biracial Jewish sons.
We're impressive enough.
Are you kidding, Kendra? Look around. It's like frickin' Bridgerton over here.
-I'm signing up for entree. -Shira.
They have to admit the entree people. The entree people are go-getters.
-I know you're busy. I'll handle it. -You're going to cook?
-Walter. -Benjamin.
So the whole bat mitzvah was monster-themed.
They gave out Dracula teeth, and the fruit punch looked like blood.
And there was a guy in a King Kong suit.
A human-sized King Kong?
I know. That's just a gorilla.
Ugh. So cringe.
You saying "cringe" is cringe.
Is Sarah, like, into monster movies?
No! She likes unboxing videos.
A better bat mitzvah theme would have been "unboxing videos."
No, a better theme would have been "bat mitzvah."
That's already a theme. You don't need to add another thing on top of it.
It's like an ice cream-themed baked potato.
It's a lot of money to spend
just to tell your daughter, "We don't know you."
That was not a bat mitzvah party with a monster theme.
What you attended was a monster party featuring a subtle mist of bat mitzvah.
Oh, I wasn't there. I just looked at the pictures online.
Wait, you didn't go?
Sarah and I aren't really friends anymore.
No? Since when?
Bus.
Hey, who died?
Uh… Still Mom.
I'm trying to remember that sort of good casserole Mom made.
I have to bring an entree to a potluck.
Maybe it was a mushroom casserole?
She made mushroom knishes. I don't wanna deal with the dough.
Right, the knishes. She always complained about how hard they were to make.
And we said, "Why make them if they make you so miserable?"
"They're good knishes, Shira."
"What, I should make something easy? Only the best for my children."
"For you, I suffer."
Yeah, so forgive me, I don't want to make the hard knishes.
It sucks that I can't just call her.
When she died, I knew there'd be no more big moments,
but I wasn't ready for all the small stuff I'd no longer have access to.
I can't just google, "What was my mom's easiest recipe?"
If only there was something like wikiFeet,
but not just for famous people, and not just for feet.
What about zucchini kugel? It was easy and everyone loved it.
Yoshi ate so much he threw up.
Yeah, then he moved the rug to cover it up.
Took a month to figure out what that smell was.
But it was good kugel, right?
-It was. Do you have a food processor? -I think you have our food processor.
Oh yeah, I think Jen has it.
Avi! That thing costs us, like, 400 bucks.
I'm sorry, I must have been distracted by the devastation of my failed marriage
when I was packing kitchen appliances.
Big oops on your part.
Jen would have good ideas for you though.
She and Mom used to bond over cooking.
Mom and Jen bonded?
Broccoli casserole!
Mom made it when we got invited to dinner last minute. Ah?
-Yes! -There you go, Avi.
"When you're invited 'cause someone better canceled,
you make broccoli casserole."
Think Mom would judge me for making something so easy?
Yes, but… look, she's not here, so…
If she wanted to judge you, she shouldn't have died.
Yeah, okay. I gotta go.
Hey.
You know?
Yeah, I know. You too.
-Can you see my screen? -Our brand…
-Am I sharing my screen? -Focus up, people.
If we can't square these budgets, we're talking hundreds of layoffs.
Noah, do you have the numbers on Alvin Orangutan's Fettuccine Explosion?
Noah, I'm not hearing numbers.
Uh, one sec.
We're making knishes!
Uh… Ah!
We?
I'm making my mom's knishes.
They're a big hit. Very impressive.
Knishes say, "You k'need us in your k'nindergarten."
K'nan't we just get a pizza from Costco?
Costco pizza? This is our boys' education we're talking about.
I don't think people pay attention to who brings what to a potluck.
I remember what everybody brings and judge them about it for years.
I'm still mad about the time Matt and Cheng showed up with sangria and no cups?
How are we supposed to drink, Matt and Cheng?
Straight from the bowl? Like dogs?
Okay, but a homemade savory pastry sounds ambitious
for someone who can't scramble an egg.
I can scramble an egg.
Our smoke detectors are just too sensitive.
You sure you're up to this?
I've got this. Mom made knishes all the time.
It couldn't have been that hard.
-Mommy, Ben's hogging the knife! -Share with your brother, Benjamin.
Okay, let's go do magnet blocks. Uh, where did you get chocolate?
Mmm… Nature?
Okay, I know, The Undeniable Isadora Duncan, we'll go out in a sec.
Just everybody, just… What?
I did all the same stuff.
Why is mine different? Ah!
Okay, no, no, no!
Look, Noah, the claw machines are not the problem.
Seems like your whack-a-mole issues keep popping up.
-Give it back! -I need it!
This onion is insane. It's like attacking me.
I'm going to dead you!
Walter, we don't dead people. Can you play something together?
We could play watching Papa Troll together.
I'll ask Internet.
Still no.
We need a new Internet!
Life is bad!
-Just passing through. -What?
I have to pop by Jen's real quick to get my Mix-a-Lot.
I'm mashing when I should be blending.
I mean, can you believe it? Classic Shira.
She's a lot, but we love her, that Shira!
You are not driving all the way to Santa Rosa.
Why not borrow a blender from the neighbor?
Chris? No. He's so chatty.
If I act neighborly, he'll be popping by for sugar,
inviting us to crack a Cabernet like a pervert.
Hey, Shira, you are not leaving me with these kids at bath time.
I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.
I said, "Hey, Shira!"
Fine, yeah, screw the potluck.
We'll find a school easier to get into and it'll be easy for them.
Would that be so awful?
That would be so awful.
Now I need to go and come back before the dough goes sour.
Dough doesn't sour.
What about sourdough, Kendra?
Yeah, that's right. Checkmate.
Go get your blender.
But while you're at Jen's,
you might want to also get her divorce lawyer.
It's back here somewhere.
How's the wine biz?
Oh, booming. 2020 was a huge year for drinking alone.
-Ah, found it! -Thanks.
Hey, did… did you and my mom used to bond over cooking?
Oh, I don't know if I'd say "bond."
I'd compliment her cooking,
but then she thought I was really interested,
because her own children didn't compliment her, which…
is something she mentioned to me quite a lot.
Can't believe Mom's being passive- aggressive to me from beyond the grave.
That's real dedication.
Hey, now. There's a compliment.
Stop. Who is this beautiful, amazing, brilliant, fascinating, fabulous dynamo?
Could it be Hannah?
Aunt Shira. I didn't know you were coming over.
How's my little talented, gorgeous genius? Are you still in Model UN?
Yeah, but I got Montenegro.
Oh, little Montenegro. They're lucky to have you.
Oh, um, Hannah, uh, did you pass that resolution?
Mom, I have to study.
Daughters are hard.
We still haven't cut enough losses to keep the Miami franchise open.
Boys. Boys. Boys!
I need 30 minutes.
Just 30 minutes.
I'm putting on Papa Troll.
Our internet doesn't get Papa Troll.
I'm going to do some hacking so you can watch it just once.
-Ben! Write it down. -Eight-six-seven-five-three-oh-nine.
Eight, six, seven, a hundred, a million-hundred.
God forgive me.
Papa Troll, Papa Troll He rides around on water
Papa Troll, Papa Troll Has a wife, and son, and daughter
And another daughter and two more sons And a brother-in-law
We're a family And we assist each other in law
Kendra?
What is that noise?
That is the noise of you said, "I can handle it!"
But I don't know what you think "I" and "can" and "handle it" mean,
because I have spent every moment of this week doing my full-time job
while trying to stop our screaming children from catching on literal fire,
chopping off their fingers so you could do your little Top Chef cosplay,
when you knew from the beginning I didn't have the time,
and now, on top of all that, I had to put on Papa Troll!
Don't you gasp at me!
I should be gasping at you!
But I don't have a spare moment! I have no spare moments for gasping!
Okay, first of all, I am very sorry.
I'm bad and you're great.
Also, I love you.
And also-also, I did it. It's over.
Hm.
Hey, Shira? This is really good.
I'm sorry. I didn't quite get that.
I said it's good!
-Really? -Yeah, really. Try it.
Hm.
Hmm.
What are you doing?
It's off.
What?
Stop that. Stop, stop, stop. No, no, no. What are you doing?
Don't waste them!
Drop the knish! Shira, put it down! Down, Shira! Bad Shira!
Shira! Why? What's… What is wrong with them?
Hm.
They're not my mom's.
Papa Troll!
I'm solving water crimes!
I need Mom's recipe. I wish I could just call her.
Of course, she wouldn't pick up.
Then she'd send me a passive-aggressive "Saw you called" text.
Then I'd text, "Can you talk?"
She'd text back, "I'm very busy, but for you, always,"
and then still not answer when I called.
Then she'd call me and leave a long voicemail
about an article in Hadassah Magazine. In short--
Oh, don't do that. You can't say "In short" after already going long.
We need to get into this school. I have to get them right.
Okay. Where is your mother's recipe?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Nope.
Hmm.
Do I want big savings on my next yogurt purchase?
Well, I don't not want big savings on my next yogurt purchase.
Shira, is everything okay?
Yeah, fine. Do you know where Mom's recipe book is?
Grandpa!
Hey! Come here, you. Oh no. Wow, so big.
-You could've texted me the recipe. -I'm no good with phones.
I tried to take a picture, and it made me drive from Mountain View
to spend a day with my grandchildren!
Tell us a math joke.
Here's one.
When I see you boys, I'm like the mathematical constant, pi.
I love you so much, it's irrational.
You're a pie?
My mom had to improve every recipe.
"Substitute schmaltz for lard, bake in big Pyrex."
Her macaroni salad was from Martha Stewart Living?
That's goyim food.
Macaroni's Italian. The Chinese invented pasta.
-Make the knish. -All this for a potluck?
You know Costco sells those big pizzas.
Ben says he won't wear shin guards!
Thanks for taking them, Elliott. You're a lifesaver.
Happy to. What do I need to know?
I'll show you how to use booster seats.
The game's in the northwest corner of Magnolia Park.
Park on Piedmont, where they do the rapid tests.
Gotcha. This is all at Piedmont Park.
Oh no, Magnolia Park.
The northwest corner. That's where the lilac team's playing.
-I'll look for the kids in purple. -No, the purple team is older kids.
-Look for kids in lilac. -I'll look for kids in lilac.
And you'll need to download the league app to check in.
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
Dad, you sure you're up for this?
Piece of cake. You said Northwest Park?
I'll… I'll go with you.
Hundreds of jobs are on the line,
but I could do my meeting from a public park
full of maniacal, screeching children.
Power move?
Considering the long-term revenue that carousels render--
What was that about the marinara vendor?
No. We're not changing the marinara.
Change the marinara?
-No, no, no. We won't change. -Hello? You're cutting out--
Mama! Mama! I found a dead crow!
Oh God. Hello? Are you there? Am I there? Can you see me?
These orange slices are probably for everyone, right?
Ugh! 0Uh-oh.
-Oh, boy. -Ben!
Benny, are you okay, baby?
They'll have to amputate.
What's amputate?
It's when the Kaiser chops off your leg if you're a France guy.
Walter, stop that.
It'll bruise, but you'll be okay. Promise.
Want to finish the game?
There's a dead crow near the goal. Want to step on it?
Yes.
Sorry I wasn't more of a help. My boys never did sports.
Avi and Yoshi were more indoor cats.
Soccer's tough.
This is usually Shira's thing, but…
she is occupied.
I remember those knishes.
Naomi had a hard time with them too.
All right, here we go.
Knish.
Shira loved them though.
And she was not always such an easy customer, believe it or not.
Yeah, no, I believe that.
Okay, okay, okay. "Simmer potato. Drain." Yeah. Yeah.
So when Naomi found something Shira would eat,
that's what Naomi made.
I did this. "Heat oil, divide dough." This is exactly what I did.
Did it ever get easier for Naomi?
Are you kidding me? I already did this.
No, she used to complain about it every time.
But, you know, I think that was part of it too.
You know, you do something hard
so they know that you love them.
Oh God…
No.
Oh.
Mommy! Mommy! Mama said we can watch Papa Troll!
I did not say that. Change out of your uniforms, please.
Ben, we have the code.
Should I ask?
Hm.
And?
It's garlicky.
Like, so garlicky.
Hm.
They're just like Mom's.
You must be exhausted.
Yeah.
Thank you for this week.
I don't know what happened.
It's not a straight line.
Right.
But we should clean the kitchen before we…
…fall asleep.
No. No, The Undeniable Isadora Duncan.
Don't eat that. It has garlic. Ah!
Down, The Undeniable Isadora Duncan. No!
Ah! Come on.
Ugh.
Oh no.
Oh.
Shira, you better…
Okay.
All right.
-How come you're walking so slow, Mama? -Did you sleep all right?
Uh, yeah.
Wait, it's inside?
Are they trying to give us all COVID? No way. Forget it.
We're not going to the picnic?
-We're not going to this school. -Are you serious?
They can't prioritize safety at one event,
and we're supposed to trust them with our children every day?
Nuh-uh. We're going to the hairball school.
Okay!
That's the last time you sabotage the regatta
with a lot of ricotta.
So every crime happens near water?
How else are they going to get there?
Can we get pizza?
-Eat your knish. -No.
Your mother made it with love.
I want pizza!
I don't believe in anything
But I'll believe in you
And I know it's all a game And make-believe
But this one feels more true d make-believe