1
00:00:13,291 --> 00:00:17,041
Okay, the game is called
Shepherds of the Fertile Crescent.

2
00:00:17,125 --> 00:00:20,458
-I don't know, Avi. Sounds complicated.
-I haven't told you anything about it.

3
00:00:20,541 --> 00:00:21,416
Is it complicated?

4
00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:24,083
Yeah, but once you understand
the myriad rules--

5
00:00:24,166 --> 00:00:26,083
-Can I be this guy?
-I want to be that guy.

6
00:00:26,166 --> 00:00:27,333
No, nobody is that guy.

7
00:00:27,416 --> 00:00:29,333
-Aw.
-That's the Spirit of the Harvest.

8
00:00:29,416 --> 00:00:32,000
-He bestows resources.
-I wanna bestow resources.

9
00:00:32,083 --> 00:00:34,583
-No, we get the resources.
-But I want to bestow.

10
00:00:34,666 --> 00:00:37,166
-Already too much fighting.
-Avi, let your brother bestow.

11
00:00:37,250 --> 00:00:38,833
That's not how the game works.

12
00:00:38,916 --> 00:00:41,791
There are five resources.
Oats, obsidian, flint, goats, and mud.

13
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,875
-We start with different amounts.
-Ugh. Why so many?

14
00:00:43,958 --> 00:00:45,208
-Not fair.
-I didn't even--

15
00:00:45,291 --> 00:00:47,458
-How do you play? There's no board.
-I'm explaining.

16
00:00:47,541 --> 00:00:49,833
-Can I be mud?
-Yes, Yoshi, you can be mud.

17
00:00:49,916 --> 00:00:51,833
-Yes!
-He can't be mud. He can obtain mud.

18
00:00:51,916 --> 00:00:53,958
-Done with the instructions?
-I barely started.

19
00:00:54,041 --> 00:00:55,500
You're losing the crowd, Avi.

20
00:00:55,583 --> 00:00:58,625
Maybe we just start playing
and you can explain as we go.

21
00:00:58,708 --> 00:01:00,000
Fine. Pick a territory.

22
00:01:00,083 --> 00:01:01,916
-I want goats.
-I never get goats.

23
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,666
-Goats are not a territory.
-Makes no sense.

24
00:01:03,750 --> 00:01:05,166
Because you're not listening.

25
00:01:05,250 --> 00:01:09,208
-Yoshi's putting pieces up his nose.
-I'm listening. I just don't understand.

26
00:01:09,291 --> 00:01:11,208
-Your father doesn't either.
-I'm understanding.

27
00:01:11,291 --> 00:01:13,166
He's being nice. He doesn't understand.

28
00:01:13,250 --> 00:01:16,291
He has the same glazed look as when
we rented Farewell My Concubine.

29
00:01:16,375 --> 00:01:18,875
I didn't not understand
Farewell My Concubine.

30
00:01:18,958 --> 00:01:21,708
-I just preferred Mrs. Doubtfire.
-I want to be a concubine.

31
00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:24,458
For the record, I understand
the game perfectly and I think it's bad.

32
00:01:24,541 --> 00:01:26,666
This is why
you don't play games with family.

33
00:01:26,750 --> 00:01:28,333
Your family are not your friends.

34
00:01:28,416 --> 00:01:30,125
-Avi doesn't have friends.
-Yes, I do.

35
00:01:30,208 --> 00:01:32,375
You like things
with a lot of instructions.

36
00:01:32,458 --> 00:01:34,166
I like watching the sweat glisten

37
00:01:34,250 --> 00:01:36,875
on Michael Jordan's smooth head
during warm-ups,

38
00:01:36,958 --> 00:01:38,750
which I am now missing, by the way.

39
00:01:38,833 --> 00:01:40,208
What kind of game is this even?

40
00:01:40,291 --> 00:01:42,916
It's sophisticated. It's European.

41
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,875
What part of Europe?

42
00:01:45,666 --> 00:01:47,833
I think the middle part of it.

43
00:01:49,375 --> 00:01:51,041
Germany.

44
00:01:51,125 --> 00:01:54,000
They haven't done enough?
We have to now play their sick game?

45
00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:48,416
Cannibal, these are great.

46
00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:49,625
Shut up.

47
00:02:49,708 --> 00:02:51,125
No, for real. Look.

48
00:02:51,208 --> 00:02:55,291
I'm taking off my dad hat and putting on
my beret of unbiased criticism,

49
00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:57,208
and I think this is dynamic photography.

50
00:02:57,291 --> 00:03:00,375
I'm just trying to do with photos
what Robert Altman did with sound.

51
00:03:00,458 --> 00:03:02,083
You've got some photogenic friends.

52
00:03:02,166 --> 00:03:05,875
These aren't my friends. I just take
their pictures from across the quad.

53
00:03:05,958 --> 00:03:08,791
The zoom on my camera's real good,
and they don't even know.

54
00:03:08,875 --> 00:03:10,416
Okay, the dad hat's going back on.

55
00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:13,333
If they know they're being photographed,
they start performing.

56
00:03:13,416 --> 00:03:14,791
Look, I'll show you.

57
00:03:14,875 --> 00:03:16,958
Um. Wh… Ah, crap.

58
00:03:17,041 --> 00:03:20,125
I left my camera at our house…
I mean, Mom's house.

59
00:03:20,208 --> 00:03:21,500
-Can you get it?
-Hannah!

60
00:03:21,583 --> 00:03:24,416
-I know, it's a burden for you to see Mom…
-It's not that.

61
00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:27,541
-…who you married, had a child with.
-I can't drop everything.

62
00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:29,875
Or I could just not have
my camera for a few days.

63
00:03:29,958 --> 00:03:33,541
My one interest,
my lifeline in a world gone mad.

64
00:03:33,625 --> 00:03:35,333
Ah! Fine, I'll get it.

65
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:37,000
Thank you, Daddy.

66
00:03:38,083 --> 00:03:40,791
Are you doing okay, though?
In the world gone mad?

67
00:03:40,875 --> 00:03:43,791
I mean, I'm glad
we're not learning remote anymore,

68
00:03:43,875 --> 00:03:46,125
but it is weird being back on campus

69
00:03:46,208 --> 00:03:48,666
with the cafeteria food
and the wolves and the cliques.

70
00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:52,000
-Yeah, middle school is hell.
-I was thinking, if I had a bat mitzvah--

71
00:03:52,083 --> 00:03:53,916
"If"? You're not having a bat mitzvah.

72
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,541
No, of course, but if I did, what I was
thinking was…

73
00:03:57,625 --> 00:03:59,125
…who would even come?

74
00:03:59,208 --> 00:04:02,708
You're saying "if"
like it could still happen by surprise,

75
00:04:02,791 --> 00:04:05,166
-but you reserve a spot years in advance…
-I get it.

76
00:04:05,250 --> 00:04:08,458
…study your Torah portion for six months.
Also, you have to be Jewish…

77
00:04:08,541 --> 00:04:10,000
-I know.
-…which you're not.

78
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:13,458
I'm just saying, if I did have
a bat mitzvah, no one would come.

79
00:04:13,541 --> 00:04:17,333
But you're not having a bat mitzvah,
so there's nothing to worry about.

80
00:04:17,416 --> 00:04:18,333
Bus.

81
00:04:18,916 --> 00:04:21,833
I worry about Hannah. You don't think
she wants a bat mitzvah, do you?

82
00:04:21,916 --> 00:04:24,041
-That's not what she's saying.
-They seem fun,

83
00:04:24,125 --> 00:04:27,916
but if we gave her a bat mitzvah,
after everything with my mom,

84
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,625
and my mom couldn't even come?

85
00:04:29,708 --> 00:04:32,000
Avi, she was telling you
she doesn't have friends.

86
00:04:32,083 --> 00:04:34,583
What? But she's so cool.

87
00:04:34,666 --> 00:04:36,583
She's lonely. You need to help her.

88
00:04:36,666 --> 00:04:38,541
Help her make friends?

89
00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:39,666
Well, I can't help.

90
00:04:39,750 --> 00:04:42,666
She won't talk to me
about anything. Not even the wolves.

91
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:45,750
Adults shouldn't muck around
in their kids' lives.

92
00:04:45,833 --> 00:04:46,791
Hannah's a great kid.

93
00:04:46,875 --> 00:04:50,041
Whatever's going on, the best thing
is to let it work itself out.

94
00:04:50,125 --> 00:04:53,166
Like when you're sick and it sucks,
but you have to get through it.

95
00:04:53,250 --> 00:04:55,958
No, when you're sick, you see a doctor.
You take medicine.

96
00:04:56,041 --> 00:04:58,750
I feel like if I'm sick,
on some level I deserve it,

97
00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:01,208
so if I take medicine,
it's like I'm cheating.

98
00:05:01,291 --> 00:05:03,416
Well, that aside,

99
00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:06,791
Hannah needs friends her own age,
and you need to be her father.

100
00:05:06,875 --> 00:05:08,375
I am her father.

101
00:05:10,750 --> 00:05:12,458
What is that? The Lion King?

102
00:05:12,541 --> 00:05:14,583
What? It's Darth-- Ugh.

103
00:05:21,041 --> 00:05:24,250
I'll trade you two goats
for one barrel of mud.

104
00:05:24,333 --> 00:05:28,291
Deal. Then I'll trade
these villages for a town.

105
00:05:28,375 --> 00:05:29,208
Booyah!

106
00:05:29,291 --> 00:05:32,750
Hey, Cannibal,
if I wasn't with you right now,

107
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,541
who would you play this game with?

108
00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:37,875
No one. Kids these days
don't have the attention span.

109
00:05:37,958 --> 00:05:40,333
They need constant stimulation
or they'll pass out.

110
00:05:40,416 --> 00:05:42,416
So sad they'll never know
the simple pleasure

111
00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:45,416
of gradually cornering
the market on obsidian.

112
00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:47,708
Okay, but you have other interests.

113
00:05:47,791 --> 00:05:50,041
I mean, there must be something
you can bond over.

114
00:05:50,125 --> 00:05:53,625
I think I might just be one of those
people who blossoms in college,

115
00:05:53,708 --> 00:05:56,166
so I just gotta white-knuckle
the next six years.

116
00:05:56,250 --> 00:05:58,541
No, that's… Here's what you do.

117
00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:00,583
Think of something you like doing, like…

118
00:06:00,666 --> 00:06:02,833
This guy loves hoarding obsidian, right?

119
00:06:02,916 --> 00:06:05,500
Now, he might see someone else
hoarding obsidian,

120
00:06:05,583 --> 00:06:09,541
so he just kind of sidles up
and starts hoarding next to him.

121
00:06:09,625 --> 00:06:13,291
What you're describing is parallel play.
That's what toddlers do.

122
00:06:13,375 --> 00:06:14,416
Grownups do it too!

123
00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:17,708
There's a guy at work
who also eats lunch alone in his car.

124
00:06:17,791 --> 00:06:21,041
Sometimes I see him from my car
and it's like, "Friend!"

125
00:06:21,125 --> 00:06:22,708
Oh yeah? What's his name?

126
00:06:23,458 --> 00:06:24,500
-Blue Isuzu.
-Wow.

127
00:06:24,583 --> 00:06:25,666
Why not try yearbook?

128
00:06:25,750 --> 00:06:28,416
You're an amazing photographer.
You don't have to talk. It's perfect.

129
00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:31,958
Oh, I couldn't. The yearbook
room was taken over by the wolves.

130
00:06:32,041 --> 00:06:34,791
Okay, who are these wolves
everyone keeps talking about?

131
00:06:34,875 --> 00:06:37,875
Mean girls? Incels?
Some kind of dance crew?

132
00:06:37,958 --> 00:06:39,541
No, they're wolves.

133
00:06:39,625 --> 00:06:41,000
What do you mean, "Wolves"?

134
00:06:41,083 --> 00:06:42,916
Wolves? Like, wolves.

135
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,541
Okay, but not wolves.

136
00:06:44,625 --> 00:06:47,083
Yeah, wolves.

137
00:06:47,166 --> 00:06:49,416
Oh my God! They're wolves?

138
00:07:01,458 --> 00:07:05,875
So they assumed the earth was flat
and if you sailed too far…

139
00:07:09,416 --> 00:07:11,291
And if you sailed too far…

140
00:07:14,791 --> 00:07:15,750
I'll wait.

141
00:07:15,833 --> 00:07:19,500
Did you know our daughter's school
has been invaded by wolves?

142
00:07:19,583 --> 00:07:21,041
No, I don't think they invaded.

143
00:07:21,125 --> 00:07:23,708
The school emptied during the pandemic.
Wolves moved in.

144
00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:27,541
Wait, wait, wait. During the pandemic?
The kids have been back for months.

145
00:07:27,625 --> 00:07:30,166
We talked for 20 minutes yesterday
about "maybe Hannah's lonely,"

146
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:33,000
but "maybe Hannah could
get attacked by a wild animal"

147
00:07:33,083 --> 00:07:34,375
didn't seem pertinent?

148
00:07:34,458 --> 00:07:36,916
More kids die from social isolation
than wolf attacks.

149
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,125
Most kids are not
in the proximity of wolves!

150
00:07:40,208 --> 00:07:42,458
What happens to the data
when you adjust for that?

151
00:07:42,541 --> 00:07:46,500
The wolf situation will work itself out,
but adolescence is tough.

152
00:07:46,583 --> 00:07:50,166
When you throw in all the stuff she's had
to go through in the last few years…

153
00:08:01,041 --> 00:08:02,625
How is this the first I'm hearing

154
00:08:02,708 --> 00:08:05,333
of the apex predators
prowling my daughter's campus?

155
00:08:05,416 --> 00:08:07,083
I don't know.
You get the same emails I do.

156
00:08:07,166 --> 00:08:08,958
Ugh, the emails from the school.

157
00:08:09,041 --> 00:08:12,208
I gotta know every time there's
a fundraiser for dry-erase markers?

158
00:08:12,291 --> 00:08:14,291
Are you upset about the wolves or emails?

159
00:08:14,375 --> 00:08:16,416
I'm saying, when there's wolves,
maybe put,

160
00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:19,750
"Attention, your children are surrounded
by wolves" in the subject line.

161
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,708
They're not surrounded.

162
00:08:21,791 --> 00:08:23,458
It's like three or four wolves.

163
00:08:23,541 --> 00:08:26,708
-I'm concerned we don't have a head count.
-If you're so concerned,

164
00:08:26,791 --> 00:08:28,416
you can go to a community meeting.

165
00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:29,958
I gotta go to a meeting?

166
00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:36,708
The bake sale did not raise enough
for the new dry-erase markers.

167
00:08:36,791 --> 00:08:39,750
Teachers will use permanent markers.
When the whiteboards fill up,

168
00:08:39,833 --> 00:08:42,333
a bake sale will raise money
for new whiteboards.

169
00:08:42,416 --> 00:08:47,833
Due to parents' requests, we removed
Charlotte's Web from the school library.

170
00:08:47,916 --> 00:08:49,625
What's wrong with Charlotte's Web?

171
00:08:49,708 --> 00:08:51,708
Oh, black spider, white little girl.

172
00:08:51,791 --> 00:08:53,000
Oh.

173
00:08:53,083 --> 00:08:55,750
-What?
-We have an update on the wolf situation.

174
00:08:55,833 --> 00:08:59,083
We previously estimated
three to four wolves on campus.

175
00:08:59,166 --> 00:09:01,541
We now believe there are four to five.

176
00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:03,583
So depending on the earlier number,

177
00:09:03,666 --> 00:09:07,750
there is now one additional wolf
or two additional wolves,

178
00:09:07,833 --> 00:09:10,083
or the same number of wolves.

179
00:09:12,291 --> 00:09:15,083
Uh, is that it about the wolves?

180
00:09:15,166 --> 00:09:17,416
Sir, when we open the floor
for questions and concerns,

181
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:19,375
you can form a line in the center aisle.

182
00:09:21,375 --> 00:09:24,375
-I have a question about the wolves.
-We have not opened the floor.

183
00:09:24,458 --> 00:09:26,416
-Oh, sorry.
-Please return to your seat.

184
00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:29,500
That concludes community updates.

185
00:09:29,583 --> 00:09:32,000
The floor is now open
for questions and concerns.

186
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,166
-Hi there! Caitlyn McClendon.
-Excuse me.

187
00:09:36,250 --> 00:09:37,416
Kevin McClendon's mom.

188
00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:38,666
Hi, Caitlyn.

189
00:09:38,750 --> 00:09:41,041
I'm concerned about
the processed meat situation.

190
00:09:41,125 --> 00:09:44,041
The hot dogs. Caitlyn,
we already stopped serving the hot dogs.

191
00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:46,416
Mm-hm. Mm-hm. But where are the hot dogs?

192
00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:49,000
I believe they're still
in the cafeteria freezers.

193
00:09:49,083 --> 00:09:50,958
Couldn't a child get one accidentally?

194
00:09:51,041 --> 00:09:53,666
-You're asking if your child…
-Not just my child.

195
00:09:53,750 --> 00:09:56,916
…could accidentally ingest
a frozen hot dog from inside a freezer

196
00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,000
-…inside a kitchen.
-I'm asking on behalf of all the children.

197
00:10:00,083 --> 00:10:01,458
We'll look into it.

198
00:10:02,041 --> 00:10:03,041
Thank you.

199
00:10:03,125 --> 00:10:04,250
-That's…
-Halfway down.

200
00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:05,333
Don't you…

201
00:10:05,416 --> 00:10:09,041
Yeah, Avi Schwooper,
Hannah's papa… Hannah's dad.

202
00:10:09,125 --> 00:10:11,416
I don't know why I said "papa."

203
00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:13,875
-I'd like to get back to the wolves.
-What about the wolves?

204
00:10:13,958 --> 00:10:16,000
Yes, what about the wolves?

205
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,375
We're weighing options
on how to handle them.

206
00:10:18,458 --> 00:10:19,500
-Options?
-Top priority.

207
00:10:19,583 --> 00:10:21,958
You got rid of Charlotte's Web easy.
Maybe do it like that.

208
00:10:22,041 --> 00:10:23,458
Thank you, Avi.

209
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,125
-Hey!
-Ah.

210
00:10:29,208 --> 00:10:31,666
Caitlyn McClendon,
this is Lauren and Topaz.

211
00:10:31,750 --> 00:10:32,750
-Yeah.
-Hi.

212
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:36,375
We think that was really cool what you did
in there, speaking truth to power.

213
00:10:36,458 --> 00:10:38,333
-So cool.
-Oh, I… I don't know.

214
00:10:38,416 --> 00:10:40,208
Those school board Bolsheviks think

215
00:10:40,291 --> 00:10:43,291
they know better than us
what's best for our children?

216
00:10:43,375 --> 00:10:45,250
It's literally disgusting.

217
00:10:45,333 --> 00:10:47,583
Yeah, I mean,
I just want my daughter to be safe.

218
00:10:47,666 --> 00:10:49,458
That's all I want for my son.

219
00:10:49,541 --> 00:10:52,666
And they treat us like
we're another problem to deal with.

220
00:10:52,750 --> 00:10:54,166
It's actually disgusting.

221
00:10:54,250 --> 00:10:55,750
Glad to see I'm not alone here.

222
00:10:55,833 --> 00:10:57,458
Of course you're not alone, Avi.

223
00:10:57,541 --> 00:10:59,708
-You are so not alone.
-Oh.

224
00:10:59,791 --> 00:11:02,375
I'm organizing a confab
of concerned parents at my house.

225
00:11:02,458 --> 00:11:04,250
A "strength in numbers" kind of thing.

226
00:11:04,333 --> 00:11:06,541
It could be cool.
You want to stop by? No presh.

227
00:11:06,625 --> 00:11:07,500
Defo no presh.

228
00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:09,750
But don't you feel like
he would add so much?

229
00:11:09,833 --> 00:11:11,583
I mean, I do, yeah. So much.

230
00:11:11,666 --> 00:11:13,375
That sounds great. I…

231
00:11:13,458 --> 00:11:16,333
I was starting to think I was
the only sane person in this town.

232
00:11:16,416 --> 00:11:18,208
I mean, wolves?

233
00:11:18,291 --> 00:11:19,291
Wolves?

234
00:11:19,375 --> 00:11:20,708
That's right, Avi.

235
00:11:20,791 --> 00:11:23,166
We're the ones who are sane.

236
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:24,083
Yeah!

237
00:11:24,166 --> 00:11:27,625
Usually when people insist they're sane,
it's because they're not sane.

238
00:11:27,708 --> 00:11:30,708
But I do think in this scenario,
we are the sane ones.

239
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:32,958
We're the sane ones!

240
00:11:33,041 --> 00:11:34,666
Okay, but don't shout though.

241
00:11:34,750 --> 00:11:36,000
Sorry, Caitlyn.

242
00:11:36,083 --> 00:11:38,458
We'll see you soon, Mr. Man.

243
00:11:47,083 --> 00:11:48,791
People, this is Avi,

244
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:52,208
and he is an absolute psychopath
for parents' rights.

245
00:11:52,291 --> 00:11:53,958
Yeah… I don't know psychopath…

246
00:11:54,041 --> 00:11:56,375
He's, like, horny for it. It's adorable.

247
00:11:56,458 --> 00:11:59,791
Sure. I'm specifically horny
about wolf safety.

248
00:11:59,875 --> 00:12:03,333
And can I say
how great it is to see a dad here?

249
00:12:03,416 --> 00:12:06,125
My husband just thinks
this is, like, my hobby.

250
00:12:06,208 --> 00:12:07,958
Yeah, and I'm also a dad,

251
00:12:08,041 --> 00:12:10,958
so I think it's great too,
to have another one.

252
00:12:11,041 --> 00:12:13,416
Tell us about you, Avi.

253
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:16,708
Well, uh, my daughter is Hannah.

254
00:12:16,791 --> 00:12:19,500
Um, I work at this music app, Radio-ology.

255
00:12:19,583 --> 00:12:21,041
-Oh!
-I heard of that.

256
00:12:21,125 --> 00:12:22,875
I write artist bios, make playlists.

257
00:12:22,958 --> 00:12:25,875
-Wow. Do you do "New Now Next"?
-Yeah!

258
00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:29,125
Oh no, my big one is,
"You're Listening to the Eagles,"

259
00:12:29,208 --> 00:12:32,625
a playlist of Eagles songs that plays
if you've been listening to the Eagles

260
00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:34,208
and then forget to close the app.

261
00:12:34,291 --> 00:12:35,875
Oh, I'll have to check that out.

262
00:12:35,958 --> 00:12:37,750
You can check out anytime you like.

263
00:12:37,833 --> 00:12:40,708
I always assumed those playlists
were just made by an algorithm.

264
00:12:40,791 --> 00:12:43,500
Well, they're not. Yet.

265
00:12:43,583 --> 00:12:45,291
And you guys do podcasts, too, right?

266
00:12:45,375 --> 00:12:49,416
Yeah, they're putting a lot of money
into that, so a lot of layoffs.

267
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:51,916
Great! Well, we're glad you're here.

268
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,500
I want to talk about
how we can protect our children.

269
00:12:54,583 --> 00:12:55,791
Right! From the wolves.

270
00:12:55,875 --> 00:12:59,666
From everything. The wolves are just
a symptom of the egregious neglect

271
00:12:59,750 --> 00:13:01,000
-our children suffer.
-Okay.

272
00:13:01,083 --> 00:13:04,833
My Kevin doesn't feel comfortable
in the bathroom because when he stands up,

273
00:13:04,916 --> 00:13:06,750
half his torso is exposed.

274
00:13:06,833 --> 00:13:09,333
They need longer doors
in the bathroom stalls.

275
00:13:09,416 --> 00:13:13,083
They won't allow me on campus
to reapply sunscreen to my Jasmine.

276
00:13:13,166 --> 00:13:15,208
-Why do you need…
-They still haven't replaced

277
00:13:15,291 --> 00:13:17,750
the fluorescent lights with dimmer bulbs.

278
00:13:17,833 --> 00:13:19,125
My son has Bono eyes.

279
00:13:19,208 --> 00:13:22,291
It's wild that
they don't take any of this seriously,

280
00:13:22,375 --> 00:13:24,791
but they act like COVID is a big deal?

281
00:13:24,875 --> 00:13:27,458
Some of these kids
are still wearing masks,

282
00:13:27,541 --> 00:13:29,916
which studies show
is worse for kids than COVID.

283
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,000
-Studies show that?
-I mean, obviously COVID bad,

284
00:13:33,083 --> 00:13:36,708
blah, blah, blah, but does anyone really
know anyone who died of COVID?

285
00:13:36,791 --> 00:13:40,875
I mean, my mom did, so…

286
00:13:40,958 --> 00:13:44,583
Okay, sure,
I'm sorry for your loss or whatever,

287
00:13:44,666 --> 00:13:47,250
but I meant, like, kids at this school.

288
00:13:47,333 --> 00:13:50,791
Right, sorry to bring my baggage into it,
uh, but back to the wolves.

289
00:13:50,875 --> 00:13:54,500
Avi, Avi, the wolves are
a symbol for something bigger.

290
00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:58,041
-Right, the legitimate issues we have.
-Yes, thank you, so legitimate.

291
00:13:58,125 --> 00:13:59,916
And they're all so equally legitimate,

292
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:01,583
but I wonder if collectively,

293
00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:05,250
maybe, it might be overwhelming
for someone who doesn't understand.

294
00:14:05,333 --> 00:14:06,875
-Okay, yeah.
-So thinking about

295
00:14:06,958 --> 00:14:10,416
what you said about
the wolves being a helpful symbol.

296
00:14:10,500 --> 00:14:13,458
-Did I say that? So wise.
-If we could cohere our messaging,

297
00:14:13,541 --> 00:14:15,000
we could get some attention,

298
00:14:15,083 --> 00:14:17,750
you know, because wolves, obviously bad.

299
00:14:17,833 --> 00:14:20,625
Then we pivot to the other stuff,
like your thing with the…

300
00:14:20,708 --> 00:14:23,500
-Bathroom stalls for Kevin.
-Bathroom stalls, exactly.

301
00:14:23,583 --> 00:14:27,583
Focus on the wolves, then go big.
That's actually weirdly brilliant.

302
00:14:27,666 --> 00:14:29,250
You don't have to say "weirdly."

303
00:14:32,166 --> 00:14:33,333
-Are we ready?
-I'm ready.

304
00:14:33,416 --> 00:14:34,250
Ready.

305
00:14:34,333 --> 00:14:38,000
I'm also ready.
I nodded, but I don't think you saw, so…

306
00:14:38,083 --> 00:14:40,166
So what exactly is the plan?

307
00:14:40,250 --> 00:14:44,125
All you have to do is hold the camera,
but high angle on me, okay?

308
00:14:44,916 --> 00:14:47,000
Bill, now!

309
00:14:47,083 --> 00:14:48,208
-Oh my God.
-What the--

310
00:14:48,291 --> 00:14:51,916
We are parents, and we're crying wolf!

311
00:14:54,166 --> 00:14:55,375
The door was unlocked.

312
00:14:55,458 --> 00:14:58,958
Like how the school is unlocked to wolves?

313
00:14:59,041 --> 00:15:00,375
Talk more about the wolves.

314
00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:01,875
Wolves are a metaphor.

315
00:15:01,958 --> 00:15:02,958
But also real.

316
00:15:03,041 --> 00:15:04,458
Caitlyn, please.

317
00:15:04,541 --> 00:15:06,708
"Oh, Caitlyn, please."

318
00:15:06,791 --> 00:15:10,375
Look at her. A wolf in sheep's clothing.

319
00:15:10,458 --> 00:15:12,583
Mention the actual wolves in wolf bodies?

320
00:15:12,666 --> 00:15:14,208
Up here, not down there. Okay?

321
00:15:14,291 --> 00:15:17,250
The only wolf that should be at school
is Virginia Woolf,

322
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:20,583
and I'm not so sure about her either.
I have to do the research.

323
00:15:20,666 --> 00:15:23,416
You've locked our children
in here with wolves,

324
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:25,000
and you've locked us out

325
00:15:25,083 --> 00:15:28,750
so you could brainwash them
with your round-earth propaganda.

326
00:15:28,833 --> 00:15:31,458
-Oh no.
-My daughter won't reapply her sunscreen.

327
00:15:31,541 --> 00:15:34,375
She says she does,
but I can smell it not on her.

328
00:15:34,458 --> 00:15:37,291
I'm working on addressing
all of your issues,

329
00:15:37,375 --> 00:15:39,750
as well as the ones I have on my desk…

330
00:15:39,833 --> 00:15:41,791
Had on my desk.

331
00:15:41,875 --> 00:15:43,791
Okay, I'm ready. I heard "desk."

332
00:15:43,875 --> 00:15:45,125
-Yes. Wow.
-Hey!

333
00:15:45,208 --> 00:15:48,041
What's going on? What are we doing?

334
00:15:48,125 --> 00:15:49,875
-Oh no! No, no, no.
-Ugh.

335
00:15:50,375 --> 00:15:52,083
Ah! No, no, not my face!

336
00:15:56,875 --> 00:16:00,208
I do not consent to this.
I do not consent to this touching.

337
00:16:00,291 --> 00:16:03,875
Am I being detained? I know my rights.
Am I being detained? Am I free to go?

338
00:16:05,041 --> 00:16:06,083
Dad?

339
00:16:09,625 --> 00:16:13,708
Due to the attention
raised by some concerned parents

340
00:16:13,791 --> 00:16:16,041
around our wolf situation…

341
00:16:16,125 --> 00:16:18,083
…we are shutting down
the campus immediately

342
00:16:18,166 --> 00:16:21,500
and returning students
to full-time remote learning.

343
00:16:21,583 --> 00:16:26,041
Doors will remain closed until the wolves
can be safely and humanely relocated.

344
00:16:26,583 --> 00:16:29,625
Okay, folks, welcome back to hell.

345
00:16:29,708 --> 00:16:33,750
You don't want to be here, and neither
do I, so I'm just going to play a video.

346
00:16:35,291 --> 00:16:38,666
They're over there
Jim is at the gym

347
00:16:38,750 --> 00:16:42,500
A homophone is a homonym

348
00:16:42,583 --> 00:16:46,041
But when you read what you read
You're on your own

349
00:16:46,125 --> 00:16:47,208
Okay.

350
00:16:47,291 --> 00:16:50,791
Because not every homonym's
A homophone

351
00:16:50,875 --> 00:16:51,958
Huh?

352
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:00,916
Hey!

353
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:01,875
Hey.

354
00:17:01,958 --> 00:17:04,583
So, I think you guys know
what we all have in common.

355
00:17:04,666 --> 00:17:07,916
Our freaking embarrassing parents
have made us social freaking pariahs.

356
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:11,875
This is so much worse than wolves.
We've got to do something.

357
00:17:11,958 --> 00:17:14,666
What if we get legally emancipated?
We can do that.

358
00:17:14,750 --> 00:17:16,833
My cousin's boyfriend is a lawyer,

359
00:17:16,916 --> 00:17:19,958
and he's an expert on what ages
people are allowed to do things.

360
00:17:20,041 --> 00:17:21,083
That sounds promising.

361
00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:22,250
Guys, no,

362
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:26,166
everyone hates us because they see us
as the kids of our annoying parents.

363
00:17:26,250 --> 00:17:28,458
We just have to get them
to see us in a good way.

364
00:17:28,541 --> 00:17:29,916
How the frick do we do that?

365
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,000
We put an end to all of this.

366
00:17:32,083 --> 00:17:34,166
Group suicide? Dark!

367
00:17:34,250 --> 00:17:35,833
But I'm intrigued. Say more.

368
00:17:35,916 --> 00:17:38,375
No, we get rid of the wolves.

369
00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:39,541
How?

370
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:41,375
I don't know. What do wolves like?

371
00:17:41,458 --> 00:17:44,250
Little pigs? Little Red Riding Hood?

372
00:17:44,333 --> 00:17:46,333
Little Red Riding Hood's slutty grandma?

373
00:17:46,416 --> 00:17:48,416
Meat. The better to bait them with.

374
00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:52,000
That's why that one wolf is always
digging through the trash cans.

375
00:17:52,083 --> 00:17:53,750
He's looking for food.

376
00:17:53,833 --> 00:17:56,916
To bring back to his freaking family
in the freaking yearbook room.

377
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:01,166
If we had, like, a trail of meat,
we could lure the wolves off campus.

378
00:18:01,250 --> 00:18:05,208
Hot dogs! The cafeteria's full of
frozen dogs because of my hot mom.

379
00:18:05,291 --> 00:18:07,708
I mean, my mom's not hot.

380
00:18:07,791 --> 00:18:09,291
I mean, objectively, she's okay.

381
00:18:09,375 --> 00:18:13,041
Like, I look at a piece of art,
and I can appreciate aesthetically.

382
00:18:13,125 --> 00:18:14,333
Okay, we got it.

383
00:18:14,416 --> 00:18:16,250
Hot dogs.

384
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:22,875
Okay, first of all, Avi,
thank you for hosting this meeting

385
00:18:22,958 --> 00:18:25,333
after my husband said I'm not "allowed"

386
00:18:25,416 --> 00:18:28,208
to have "gatherings"
at "his" house anymore

387
00:18:28,291 --> 00:18:31,791
because he thinks I'll get myself
"arrested" or "worse."

388
00:18:31,875 --> 00:18:34,333
-Ugh, husbands.
-But I love mine, though.

389
00:18:34,416 --> 00:18:35,333
Yours is good.

390
00:18:35,416 --> 00:18:37,416
Well, the good news is
our kids are safe now.

391
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:39,291
Safe? No.

392
00:18:39,375 --> 00:18:40,833
But phase one was a success.

393
00:18:40,916 --> 00:18:42,250
Now we do phase two.

394
00:18:42,333 --> 00:18:43,916
-Okay…
-Yeah, number two.

395
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,208
-Uh…
-Avi, this is where you come in.

396
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:49,208
Really? Because I feel like
I came in on phase one.

397
00:18:49,291 --> 00:18:50,708
-Someone else…
-You have access.

398
00:18:50,791 --> 00:18:52,291
You work at Radio-ology.

399
00:18:52,375 --> 00:18:55,750
We're doing a mom-fluencer podcast
about taking up space.

400
00:18:55,833 --> 00:18:57,500
And one dad-fluencer.

401
00:18:57,583 --> 00:19:00,375
You can push it to every Radio-ology user.

402
00:19:00,458 --> 00:19:02,416
We could build an empire…

403
00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:03,333
for the kids.

404
00:19:03,416 --> 00:19:05,916
Yeah, I don't know if, uh…

405
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,875
It's really kind of top-down over there.
I'm not much of a…

406
00:19:08,958 --> 00:19:11,166
You can't really… I don't have the…

407
00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:13,250
This is cool. You're… You're all cool.

408
00:19:13,333 --> 00:19:18,208
But I just don't want to be
a part of any of this anymore at all.

409
00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:19,166
Good luck though!

410
00:19:20,916 --> 00:19:22,541
This is his house.

411
00:19:28,833 --> 00:19:31,333
-Hello. Going somewhere?
-Ah! Jeez! Dad!

412
00:19:31,416 --> 00:19:32,708
What are you doing out here?

413
00:19:32,791 --> 00:19:35,541
I thought you were brainstorming
new ways to make my life miserable

414
00:19:35,625 --> 00:19:36,833
with all your weirdo friends.

415
00:19:36,916 --> 00:19:39,458
I'm done with all that.
They took things too far.

416
00:19:39,541 --> 00:19:43,208
-Getting the school shut down?
-Asking me to do a podcast.

417
00:19:43,291 --> 00:19:45,000
Everything I did, I did for you.

418
00:19:45,083 --> 00:19:47,375
For me? I never asked for any of it.

419
00:19:47,458 --> 00:19:49,166
Sometimes parents have to be parents.

420
00:19:49,250 --> 00:19:51,750
It's not just board games
and talking about old movies.

421
00:19:51,833 --> 00:19:53,250
Those animals are dangerous.

422
00:19:53,333 --> 00:19:56,750
-Why do you think you know what's best?
-Because of my adult brain!

423
00:19:56,833 --> 00:19:59,000
It doesn't have to make sense to you now.

424
00:19:59,083 --> 00:20:01,625
Like, okay, when I was in high school,
I was in a band.

425
00:20:01,708 --> 00:20:04,458
-What instrument did you play?
-I was like the manager. Not important.

426
00:20:04,541 --> 00:20:06,208
So you weren't actually in the band.

427
00:20:06,291 --> 00:20:08,375
We all called me the fifth member.
I was part of it.

428
00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:11,916
And the band, it actually got
popular enough that we could go on tour.

429
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:16,791
But your grandmother said absolutely not,
couldn't miss school, over her dead body.

430
00:20:16,875 --> 00:20:19,041
And I was so mad at the time.

431
00:20:19,125 --> 00:20:21,166
And then, they got a record deal,

432
00:20:21,250 --> 00:20:24,083
dropped out of high school,
and I was even more jealous.

433
00:20:24,166 --> 00:20:25,791
But you know what happened to them?

434
00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:29,166
I don't know. The deal fell apart.
They became drug addicts? What?

435
00:20:29,250 --> 00:20:31,250
No, they became wildly successful.

436
00:20:31,333 --> 00:20:33,333
But you know what happened to me?

437
00:20:33,416 --> 00:20:34,250
What?

438
00:20:35,083 --> 00:20:36,916
You.

439
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,916
Well, anyway, I gotta go.

440
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,333
Why? Where are you going?

441
00:20:41,416 --> 00:20:42,958
I'm going to release the wolves.

442
00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:46,458
-What? No, you're not.
-I have to. My friends are there.

443
00:20:46,541 --> 00:20:49,291
-The plan is in motion.
-Your friends are at the school?

444
00:20:49,375 --> 00:20:50,583
You have friends?

445
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:53,208
Okay, absolutely not.
We gotta go stop them.

446
00:20:56,541 --> 00:20:57,750
I'm glad you have friends,

447
00:20:57,833 --> 00:21:00,625
-but you can't let them peer pressure--
-It was my plan, Dad.

448
00:21:00,708 --> 00:21:03,458
Okay, well, you shouldn't
peer pressure them.

449
00:21:03,541 --> 00:21:05,000
What kind of plan?

450
00:21:05,666 --> 00:21:07,166
-Meat.
-Meat?

451
00:21:07,250 --> 00:21:08,125
Your plan is meat?

452
00:21:08,208 --> 00:21:10,083
Well, it's mostly a meat plan.

453
00:21:10,166 --> 00:21:11,458
But I studied my pictures,

454
00:21:11,541 --> 00:21:14,125
and I think there's more
to the wolf dynamic than we think.

455
00:21:14,208 --> 00:21:18,416
You created a meat plan
inspired by wolf dynamics.

456
00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:20,125
Pull over.

457
00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:27,083
I gotta stop this.

458
00:21:27,166 --> 00:21:28,541
No. Look.

459
00:21:29,250 --> 00:21:32,083
-Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
-Okay, now watch this.

460
00:21:33,166 --> 00:21:35,125
Okay, that's Girl Wolf.

461
00:21:35,208 --> 00:21:38,416
See? She's been locked up in the yearbook
room by Mommy and Daddy Wolf,

462
00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:42,541
but when Daddy Wolf got distracted
by the hot dogs, Girl Wolf escaped.

463
00:21:42,625 --> 00:21:45,541
-Okay, but where's she going?
-She's looking for her Bae Wolf.

464
00:21:45,625 --> 00:21:46,916
Sorry, Beowulf?

465
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,875
Bae Wolf. Her boyfriend.

466
00:21:48,958 --> 00:21:50,791
Ah, Bae Wolf.

467
00:21:50,875 --> 00:21:51,750
That's fire.

468
00:21:51,833 --> 00:21:52,708
Don't do that.

469
00:21:52,791 --> 00:21:54,541
Uh-oh.

470
00:21:54,625 --> 00:21:56,916
That's Daddy Wolf.
He doesn't like Bae Wolf.

471
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,541
That's why he was keeping
Girl Wolf in the yearbook room.

472
00:21:59,625 --> 00:22:01,458
You think he's being overprotective?

473
00:22:01,541 --> 00:22:03,250
He's feeling displaced.

474
00:22:03,333 --> 00:22:07,416
He's afraid of not being needed,
but Girl Wolf's gonna be fine.

475
00:22:08,458 --> 00:22:11,625
What's he… What's he doing now?
Oh, oh, oh, okay.

476
00:22:11,708 --> 00:22:13,791
Wait, but that's the dad.

477
00:22:13,875 --> 00:22:16,083
Or maybe it's not a dad?

478
00:22:16,666 --> 00:22:18,375
I don't know anything about wolves.

479
00:22:18,458 --> 00:22:20,750
You know, I might have been
projecting some things.

480
00:22:26,333 --> 00:22:28,666
Should we go?

481
00:22:34,166 --> 00:22:37,666
Ah. I meant to tell you, I ordered
this Shepherds expansion pack.

482
00:22:37,750 --> 00:22:40,916
You can trade rain as a resource. Rain!

483
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,208
Oh, that's messed up.

484
00:22:42,291 --> 00:22:44,333
I expedited shipping.
It'll be here Saturday.

485
00:22:44,416 --> 00:22:46,291
Oh, I was gonna ask you.

486
00:22:46,375 --> 00:22:49,791
Kevin and Jasmine asked if I wanted
to see a movie with them Saturday night.

487
00:22:49,875 --> 00:22:51,958
Oh, sure. Yeah, of course.

488
00:22:52,041 --> 00:22:54,541
-I don't have to.
-No, no, no, no, you should.

489
00:22:54,625 --> 00:22:57,416
Uh, I just saw
there's a Hitchcock retrospective at the--

490
00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:00,833
Yeah, we'll probably go see a new movie.

491
00:23:01,458 --> 00:23:02,291
Even better.

492
00:23:02,375 --> 00:23:03,541
Okay, bye.

493
00:23:04,166 --> 00:23:06,041
You don't want to wait for the bus?

494
00:23:06,125 --> 00:23:09,250
Yeah, just,
my friends are already waiting.

495
00:23:09,333 --> 00:23:11,208
-I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?
-Yeah.

496
00:23:12,791 --> 00:23:13,958
It's a date.

497
00:23:18,875 --> 00:23:21,333
And she's got
Animal spirits

498
00:23:21,416 --> 00:23:23,375
And he's got
Heartfelt lyrics

499
00:23:23,458 --> 00:23:25,750
Put them together and you can hear it

500
00:23:25,833 --> 00:23:28,583
Oh, it's the song everyone knows

501
00:23:28,666 --> 00:23:30,583
And she's got
Animal spirits

502
00:23:30,666 --> 00:23:32,916
And he's got
Heartfelt lyrics

503
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,250
Put them together and you can hear it

504
00:23:35,333 --> 00:23:38,083
Oh, it's the way the story goes
r it