1 00:00:15,375 --> 00:00:17,458 She bit someone? Hannah? 2 00:00:17,541 --> 00:00:19,083 -With her mouth? -He was fine. 3 00:00:19,166 --> 00:00:21,791 -It happens all the time. -Yeesh. Hannibal the Cannibal. 4 00:00:21,875 --> 00:00:24,625 We're not calling her a cannibal. She wanted to play by herself. 5 00:00:24,708 --> 00:00:25,666 Can you blame her? 6 00:00:25,750 --> 00:00:28,833 She never learned different because you didn't give her brothers or sisters. 7 00:00:28,916 --> 00:00:30,250 Yeah, I guess not, Mom. 8 00:00:30,833 --> 00:00:34,708 You know, if I were the mother of the Haim girls, I would be so proud. 9 00:00:34,791 --> 00:00:36,708 I'm sorry, the what girls? 10 00:00:36,791 --> 00:00:39,791 The Haim girls. The sisters who are in a band. 11 00:00:39,875 --> 00:00:41,958 -The band Haim? -You know them? 12 00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:46,166 Do you? You say "the Haim girls" like they're a family at the shul. 13 00:00:46,250 --> 00:00:47,166 They are Jewish. 14 00:00:47,250 --> 00:00:49,625 I know, but they just go by Haim. 15 00:00:49,708 --> 00:00:54,541 -Not, "I saw Mrs. Haim with the girls." -It's nice that they make music together. 16 00:00:54,625 --> 00:00:57,791 They're sisters and they make a career as a family. 17 00:00:57,875 --> 00:01:00,083 Mrs. Haim must be very proud. 18 00:01:00,166 --> 00:01:03,583 Do you want me and Shira and Yoshi to start a band? Is that what you're-- 19 00:01:03,666 --> 00:01:05,583 You don't play. What would you be, the manager? 20 00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:07,291 -Right. -You did play piano for a bit, 21 00:01:07,375 --> 00:01:10,375 -but you quit before you got good. -Well, I was seven, so. 22 00:01:10,458 --> 00:01:12,083 You wanna get good, you can't quit. 23 00:01:12,166 --> 00:01:14,666 If I were a better mother, maybe you'd understand that. 24 00:01:15,750 --> 00:01:19,000 I'm sorry I quit piano when I was seven, 25 00:01:19,083 --> 00:01:21,458 so I couldn't be in a band with my brother and sister 26 00:01:21,541 --> 00:01:24,291 so you'd be proud of us like the mother of the girls in Haim? 27 00:01:24,791 --> 00:01:28,000 "Of course I'm proud of you anyway. I'm proud of all of my children." 28 00:01:28,083 --> 00:01:30,166 So if you know it, why should I say it? 29 00:02:19,541 --> 00:02:22,375 I can't believe I have to go to this party for my mom. 30 00:02:22,458 --> 00:02:26,916 Everyone's gonna make these dumb speeches, and she's gonna keep looking at me like, 31 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,833 "Did you hear that? Did you hear how much people like me?" 32 00:02:29,916 --> 00:02:33,250 "How come you don't like me like that? You're a bad daughter, that's why." 33 00:02:33,333 --> 00:02:36,041 Oh! Keep talking about your mom. That's super hot for me. 34 00:02:36,125 --> 00:02:37,750 Sorry. Forget about my mom. 35 00:02:37,833 --> 00:02:39,541 -Shira! Why is your door locked? -Oh. 36 00:02:39,625 --> 00:02:41,583 -Coming! -We don't lock doors in this house. 37 00:02:41,666 --> 00:02:44,125 -What if there was a boy in here? -Sorry, Ms. Schwartz. 38 00:02:44,208 --> 00:02:45,208 Not your fault, Baby. 39 00:02:45,291 --> 00:02:48,041 We love having you over. I always wanted more girls. 40 00:02:48,125 --> 00:02:50,000 When you're here, it's like Little Women! 41 00:02:50,083 --> 00:02:51,541 Little Women is four women. 42 00:02:51,625 --> 00:02:54,541 Well, with your extra personalities, it's like eight women. 43 00:02:54,625 --> 00:02:56,000 Mom, what do you want? 44 00:02:56,083 --> 00:02:59,208 Pick up your brother from the airport. Take your other brother with you. 45 00:02:59,291 --> 00:03:01,125 Here's your dress from the dry cleaners. 46 00:03:01,208 --> 00:03:03,333 Try not to stain it between now and tonight. 47 00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:06,541 -You're messy because you take big bites. -Okay, Mom. Thank you. 48 00:03:06,625 --> 00:03:09,791 -Your feedback's appreciated. Bye. -You're using a spoon, not shoveling coal. 49 00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:11,916 I like you in a dress. 50 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,833 "You look pretty when you try, Shira." 51 00:03:13,916 --> 00:03:15,375 Oh my God, stop. 52 00:03:15,458 --> 00:03:17,083 You do look pretty, though. 53 00:03:17,166 --> 00:03:18,625 Oh. Mmm. 54 00:03:19,458 --> 00:03:22,291 I can't believe your parents are doing this same night as prom. 55 00:03:22,375 --> 00:03:25,250 I mean, it's not like we'd go to prom anyway though, right? 56 00:03:25,333 --> 00:03:26,958 -Right. -Oh my God, the theme? Barf. 57 00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:29,750 -They're trying to be respectful. -"A night to never forget, 58 00:03:29,833 --> 00:03:31,791 and never forget 9/11." 59 00:03:31,875 --> 00:03:34,791 -Could you imagine going to that? -Yeah, I've imagined it. 60 00:03:34,875 --> 00:03:37,208 I was gonna tell you, I think I'm going to go to that. 61 00:03:37,291 --> 00:03:39,291 -What? But you can't. -To see how lame it is. 62 00:03:39,375 --> 00:03:40,875 You're going to my mom's thing. 63 00:03:40,958 --> 00:03:44,125 So the thing is, I guess I'm not going to your mom's thing? 64 00:03:44,208 --> 00:03:45,791 Why would you want to go to prom? 65 00:03:45,875 --> 00:03:48,333 Most people wanna go to prom. I think that's kind of normal. 66 00:03:48,416 --> 00:03:50,708 Yeah, but you and I aren't normal. 67 00:03:50,791 --> 00:03:51,708 I'm kind of normal. 68 00:03:51,791 --> 00:03:53,875 Besides, if we don't go, the terrorists win. 69 00:03:53,958 --> 00:03:54,875 Uh… 70 00:03:54,958 --> 00:03:57,250 Is it weird that we haven't talked about… 71 00:03:57,916 --> 00:04:01,291 -I don't think it's weird. -Okay, but what are we? 72 00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:03,375 Are we having a conversation right now? 73 00:04:03,458 --> 00:04:05,458 -No. -Because I think what's so cool about us 74 00:04:05,541 --> 00:04:08,083 -is that we don't have conversations. -Of course. Just-- 75 00:04:08,166 --> 00:04:10,541 -But if you really want that… -I don't if it-- 76 00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:11,875 Just wait until after prom. 77 00:04:11,958 --> 00:04:14,791 I don't wanna have a rough conversation before prom-- 78 00:04:14,875 --> 00:04:16,708 Why will the conversation be rough? 79 00:04:16,791 --> 00:04:19,208 …a night I'll never forget, while also never forgetting 9/11. 80 00:04:19,291 --> 00:04:21,625 Sure, yeah, that's all really cool. 81 00:04:22,708 --> 00:04:24,833 Baby, we love you, but it's not a youth hostel. 82 00:04:24,916 --> 00:04:26,625 Shira, airport, now. 83 00:04:30,958 --> 00:04:33,041 Why is the JCC even doing this thing for Mom? 84 00:04:33,125 --> 00:04:34,833 Because they think Mom is a big deal! 85 00:04:34,916 --> 00:04:37,083 No, it's because they think Mom has rich friends 86 00:04:37,166 --> 00:04:39,625 -who'll pay a lot for a cheap dinner. -Maybe it's both. 87 00:04:39,708 --> 00:04:41,125 Think it's gonna be weird for Mom 88 00:04:41,208 --> 00:04:43,875 to be the center of attention for once in her life? 89 00:04:43,958 --> 00:04:46,583 I don't know how she'll pull focus to make things about her 90 00:04:46,666 --> 00:04:48,708 when the evening is already all about her. 91 00:04:48,791 --> 00:04:50,750 I'm sure Mom will rise to the occasion. 92 00:04:50,833 --> 00:04:52,791 I can't believe she made me fly in for this. 93 00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:54,958 I'm gonna miss my class on subjective idealism. 94 00:04:55,041 --> 00:04:56,791 If I'm not there, it doesn't exist. 95 00:04:56,875 --> 00:04:58,875 -I'm missing prom. -You wanna go to prom? 96 00:04:58,958 --> 00:05:00,875 I could! You don't know. 97 00:05:02,083 --> 00:05:05,250 I just hope everyone isn't still mad at me about the Passover candy. 98 00:05:05,333 --> 00:05:08,083 -The what? -Oh gosh, you didn't hear? 99 00:05:08,166 --> 00:05:10,625 It was all anyone could talk about. 100 00:05:10,708 --> 00:05:13,375 I took Passover candy orders for youth group 101 00:05:13,458 --> 00:05:15,333 because I wanted to win this ball-in-cup. 102 00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:18,750 Sold candy to every Jew in Mountain View and beyond. 103 00:05:18,833 --> 00:05:21,666 But then, the candy, it came late. 104 00:05:21,750 --> 00:05:23,666 I'm laughing it up with my ball-in-cup. 105 00:05:23,750 --> 00:05:26,041 Everyone's calling Mom and Dad, "Hey, where's my candy?" 106 00:05:26,125 --> 00:05:28,625 "Tell Yoshi I didn't get my candy." I'm just a salesman, 107 00:05:28,708 --> 00:05:30,250 I'm not in charge of distribution! 108 00:05:30,333 --> 00:05:31,750 Yoshi, no one cares about that. 109 00:05:31,833 --> 00:05:33,208 Well, it was a whole thing. 110 00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:35,500 Guys, what are we doing tonight for our speech? 111 00:05:35,583 --> 00:05:37,208 You're the writer. You have ideas. 112 00:05:37,291 --> 00:05:40,833 I'm not a writer. I have a blog, which I barely even update. 113 00:05:40,916 --> 00:05:42,916 You'd know if you read Schwoop, There It Is. 114 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,458 What if we did a Mad Libs toast? 115 00:05:44,541 --> 00:05:47,083 We did one for Danny at his 10th birthday, and it killed. 116 00:05:47,166 --> 00:05:50,416 Yeah, I don't know. This event might have a more discerning crowd. 117 00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:53,250 -Let's do it. It'll be easy. -Know what? You had me at easy. 118 00:05:57,041 --> 00:05:59,833 Oh, there's a giant picture of me. 119 00:05:59,916 --> 00:06:02,291 I'm mortified, but also very honored. 120 00:06:02,375 --> 00:06:04,750 And look at that beautiful banner! 121 00:06:04,833 --> 00:06:07,125 It's too much, but if it helps raise money… 122 00:06:07,208 --> 00:06:09,166 And the lighting is just a little off. 123 00:06:09,750 --> 00:06:12,541 Uh-oh, Mom's personality is starting. 124 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,166 I'm going to go get ready backstage. 125 00:06:17,250 --> 00:06:19,958 Cousin Moishe's not gonna be here tonight, is he? 126 00:06:20,041 --> 00:06:21,750 I think he might be. 127 00:06:21,833 --> 00:06:23,250 Is he gonna say anything crazy? 128 00:06:23,333 --> 00:06:25,000 You never know with Cousin Moishe. 129 00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:27,250 Is that little Yoshi? 130 00:06:27,333 --> 00:06:28,291 Hi, Uncle Barry. 131 00:06:28,375 --> 00:06:32,958 I flew from Las Vegas, Nevada to see you specifically. 132 00:06:33,041 --> 00:06:35,791 -Oh. -And I see you've arrived on time, 133 00:06:35,875 --> 00:06:38,375 and not two weeks late like my Passover candy. 134 00:06:38,458 --> 00:06:40,083 Oh, you remember. 135 00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:41,000 Picture it. 136 00:06:41,083 --> 00:06:44,041 I get invited to the Cohens. The Cohens! 137 00:06:44,125 --> 00:06:47,583 So I say, "Marvin, Kathleen, I will bring the candy." 138 00:06:47,666 --> 00:06:48,708 Oh no. 139 00:06:48,791 --> 00:06:51,708 Kathleen says, "But I'm making a flourless torte." 140 00:06:51,791 --> 00:06:55,791 I tell Kathleen, "Forget your torte! I'm going to have candy." 141 00:06:55,875 --> 00:06:57,791 Oh, you shouldn't have said that to Kathleen. 142 00:06:57,875 --> 00:07:01,791 Now, imagine me, the fool, waiting around for this candy. 143 00:07:01,875 --> 00:07:06,666 I say to the Cohens, "Don't worry. Yoshi's going to bring us candy." 144 00:07:06,750 --> 00:07:09,333 I wait. It's 3:00, 4:00. 145 00:07:09,416 --> 00:07:10,416 No candy! 146 00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:12,708 -5:00, 6:00! -No candy? 147 00:07:12,791 --> 00:07:14,000 -No candy. -Oh no. 148 00:07:14,083 --> 00:07:16,583 -You made me a liar to the Cohens, Yoshi. -I'm so sorry. 149 00:07:16,666 --> 00:07:20,416 And then, two weeks later, it arrives. 150 00:07:20,500 --> 00:07:21,833 You brought it from Las Vegas? 151 00:07:21,916 --> 00:07:25,125 What else should I do? Eat it when it's not Passover? 152 00:07:25,208 --> 00:07:26,666 Why don't you eat it? 153 00:07:28,791 --> 00:07:31,666 We'll finish this conversation later. 154 00:07:31,750 --> 00:07:32,916 There's more? 155 00:07:34,416 --> 00:07:36,083 Welcome, welcome, everyone. 156 00:07:36,166 --> 00:07:39,583 We are here tonight to honor my incredible wife, Naomi Schwartz, 157 00:07:39,666 --> 00:07:43,000 for her 20 years of service to the JCC. 158 00:07:43,583 --> 00:07:46,125 I was very nervous about hosting tonight. 159 00:07:46,208 --> 00:07:49,791 Anyone who's ever had to do something for Naomi can relate to this feeling. 160 00:07:49,875 --> 00:07:51,625 I'd better not screw this up. 161 00:07:51,708 --> 00:07:53,291 Ha! No, you better not. 162 00:07:53,375 --> 00:07:56,208 Why are people laughing? This is like a hostage video. 163 00:07:56,291 --> 00:07:58,333 But the good news is I have help. 164 00:07:58,416 --> 00:08:01,000 Please welcome Cousin Moishe. 165 00:08:01,083 --> 00:08:02,625 Oh my God. Cousin Moishe's here? 166 00:08:02,708 --> 00:08:05,166 I can't believe he brought Cousin Moishe. 167 00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:07,041 Woof, ugly crowd. 168 00:08:07,125 --> 00:08:08,958 Moishe, you can't say that. 169 00:08:09,041 --> 00:08:12,000 What? Is that not kosher? 170 00:08:12,583 --> 00:08:14,250 He's from the old country. 171 00:08:14,333 --> 00:08:18,625 Tonight, we're celebrating Naomi and raising money for a new computer lab. 172 00:08:18,708 --> 00:08:19,833 So dig deep… 173 00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:22,458 As deep as his hand is in my tuchus. 174 00:08:22,541 --> 00:08:25,458 Moishe, there are children here. 175 00:08:25,541 --> 00:08:29,291 And now our children would like to start off the evening with a little toast. 176 00:08:29,375 --> 00:08:31,458 Let's give them a hand. 177 00:08:31,541 --> 00:08:33,250 Ow, ow, oy, my punim. 178 00:08:34,375 --> 00:08:37,250 When we were asked to give a toast for Mom, we thought, 179 00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:40,000 "What could we possibly say that wouldn't embarrass her?" 180 00:08:40,083 --> 00:08:42,833 You can embarrass me a little. It's okay. 181 00:08:42,916 --> 00:08:46,541 Luckily for us, we have the Toast-O-Matic 9000. 182 00:08:47,125 --> 00:08:48,916 Beep, boop, beep, boop. 183 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,250 Okay, so first I need a noun. 184 00:08:51,333 --> 00:08:53,125 -Stegosaurus. -Beep, boop. 185 00:08:53,208 --> 00:08:54,958 -Verb. -Discombobulate. 186 00:08:55,041 --> 00:08:56,083 "Weird Al" Yankovic. 187 00:08:56,166 --> 00:08:58,291 Pineapple. Surf. Fart! 188 00:08:58,375 --> 00:09:00,583 Inserting "fart" into database. 189 00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:03,750 Okay, we're gonna let the Toast-O-Matic 9000 190 00:09:03,833 --> 00:09:05,083 process these inputs, 191 00:09:05,166 --> 00:09:07,916 and we'll come back with the results at the end of the night. 192 00:09:08,583 --> 00:09:10,750 Ooh. I can't wait to hear how that turns out. 193 00:09:10,833 --> 00:09:11,833 Eh, tell me about it. 194 00:09:11,916 --> 00:09:15,541 I haven't been this excited since I wound up in the washing machine 195 00:09:15,625 --> 00:09:17,041 with Naomi's brassiere. 196 00:09:17,125 --> 00:09:18,083 Moishe! 197 00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:20,750 What? Is that not kosher? 198 00:09:21,916 --> 00:09:24,875 What is this voice? It's like Shtetl Dracula. 199 00:09:24,958 --> 00:09:29,541 Next up is Karen Getelman, and she organized this entire evening. 200 00:09:29,625 --> 00:09:31,791 So let's give her a round of applause. 201 00:09:31,875 --> 00:09:34,916 Thank you, everyone. I'm a bit nervous about tonight. 202 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,750 You're doing great so far. A-minus. 203 00:09:37,833 --> 00:09:41,166 Whenever I have a question about how to do something, I always ask, 204 00:09:41,250 --> 00:09:42,250 "What would Naomi do?" 205 00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:44,458 You don't have to ask, she tells you. 206 00:09:44,541 --> 00:09:46,500 Naomi is all about the details. 207 00:09:46,583 --> 00:09:50,875 Anyone who's been to her house knows you better not forget to use a coaster. 208 00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:54,916 We've all heard the story about the Avi stain on the coffee table. 209 00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:57,541 Even more impressive, 210 00:09:57,625 --> 00:10:00,583 Naomi got the furniture store to replace that table. 211 00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:03,041 If only she could help me return my mother-in-law. 212 00:10:03,125 --> 00:10:04,458 I'm kidding, Joanna. 213 00:10:04,541 --> 00:10:06,125 Oh. 214 00:10:06,208 --> 00:10:10,333 So Mom harassed a store into replacing a table, that's the lesson? 215 00:10:10,416 --> 00:10:13,000 Well, Avi, you gotta be assertive to get what you want. 216 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,250 You gotta be assertive to get what you want. 217 00:10:16,333 --> 00:10:18,416 Well, I think it's a nice story. Ah! No! 218 00:10:23,041 --> 00:10:24,208 What the heck? 219 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:27,791 That's my Naomi. She does not take no for an answer. 220 00:10:27,875 --> 00:10:31,541 She certainly didn't with me, if you catch my drift. 221 00:10:31,625 --> 00:10:33,833 -Moishe! -What, is that… 222 00:10:33,916 --> 00:10:36,166 Not kosher?! 223 00:10:36,250 --> 00:10:40,583 "Didn't take no for an answer"? What is Cousin Moishe's "drift"? 224 00:10:40,666 --> 00:10:42,500 -I'm going to prom. -Going to prom? 225 00:10:42,583 --> 00:10:45,041 To not take no for an answer. The puppet's right. 226 00:10:45,125 --> 00:10:46,458 No, you can't leave. 227 00:10:46,541 --> 00:10:49,208 Who am I going to make my bitchy little comments to? 228 00:10:49,291 --> 00:10:52,625 Ugh. Can you believe that, Yoshi? Yoshi? 229 00:11:04,083 --> 00:11:05,958 Ah! Stop it! No! No! Who is this? 230 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:07,208 It's me, man. 231 00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:11,125 Danny?! I think my Uncle Barry is going to disappear me or something. 232 00:11:11,208 --> 00:11:12,666 Dude, you gotta relax. 233 00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:14,833 Look what I stole from the bar. 234 00:11:14,916 --> 00:11:15,791 Whoa. 235 00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:21,041 I got Tchardonnee, Merlotte, Peanut Grego! 236 00:11:21,125 --> 00:11:24,625 -Hope you're not allergic to peanuts! -No, I can have legumes. 237 00:11:24,708 --> 00:11:27,291 All right! Let's crack open a cold one! 238 00:11:27,375 --> 00:11:29,708 That's what my dad says every morning. 239 00:11:29,791 --> 00:11:32,333 -Nice. -Wow, it's really in there. 240 00:11:35,458 --> 00:11:37,250 All right, let's keep the night moving. 241 00:11:37,333 --> 00:11:40,791 It was moving fine until you started yapping again. 242 00:11:40,875 --> 00:11:45,125 I haven't seen a crowd this dead since the pogrom at my wedding. 243 00:11:45,208 --> 00:11:46,625 Moishe, please. 244 00:11:47,458 --> 00:11:49,666 Hey, you're not, um… You're not carding, are you? 245 00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:53,916 Well, clearly I don't need to because no one under 21 would ask me like that. 246 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,291 Wait a minute. Are you the Toast-O-Matic 9000? 247 00:11:57,375 --> 00:11:58,583 Beep-boop, I am. 248 00:11:58,666 --> 00:12:00,250 The Mad Libs. Always kills. 249 00:12:00,333 --> 00:12:03,000 -Seen it before? -I work a lot of these events. 250 00:12:03,083 --> 00:12:05,000 Always someone who quotes the dictionary, 251 00:12:05,083 --> 00:12:08,291 someone who tells a story that's way too sexual for the room. 252 00:12:08,375 --> 00:12:10,708 You could honestly play bingo with the speeches. 253 00:12:10,791 --> 00:12:12,416 Wanna play bingo with the speeches? 254 00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:14,208 Maybe. What do I win? 255 00:12:14,291 --> 00:12:16,250 I, uh… I can make you a mix CD. 256 00:12:16,333 --> 00:12:19,541 I'm kind of a music guy, you know. I, um, I do a blog, so. 257 00:12:19,625 --> 00:12:23,750 Ooh, a blog. Well, if you win, I'll make you the best drink of your life. 258 00:12:23,833 --> 00:12:25,458 You are 21, right? 259 00:12:25,541 --> 00:12:27,750 When you get to be my age, you stop keeping track. 260 00:12:27,833 --> 00:12:28,666 Mmm. 261 00:12:28,750 --> 00:12:31,666 Welcome to the stage Mr. Trank Johnson. 262 00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:35,791 Okay, I think this guy is going to burst into song. 263 00:12:35,875 --> 00:12:41,375 I met Naomi in prison doing art therapy with the Big Mommy/Little Son program. 264 00:12:41,458 --> 00:12:44,041 I was part of a white power gang at the time, 265 00:12:44,125 --> 00:12:49,333 but that didn't stop Mommy Naomi from encouraging my work with pastels. 266 00:12:49,416 --> 00:12:52,625 Is "Mom encouraged a skinhead" one of your speech cliches? 267 00:12:52,708 --> 00:12:55,083 If it happens one more time, I'll add it to the list. 268 00:12:55,166 --> 00:12:57,791 Naomi saw the good in me, even when I didn't. 269 00:12:57,875 --> 00:12:58,916 So to honor her, 270 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,000 I got my old swastika tattoo covered with something even better. 271 00:13:03,166 --> 00:13:06,625 Oh my God. Trank, you didn't! 272 00:13:06,708 --> 00:13:08,541 That is a big tattoo… 273 00:13:08,625 --> 00:13:10,166 of your mom's face. 274 00:13:10,250 --> 00:13:11,625 Ah, that's a shame. 275 00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:13,666 Now he can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery. 276 00:13:13,750 --> 00:13:19,541 Naomi, you are my angel 277 00:13:19,625 --> 00:13:22,583 Whoa, I was right. Bet you didn't see that coming. 278 00:13:22,666 --> 00:13:26,375 I can't live down a stain, but she sees the good in a Nazi? 279 00:13:26,458 --> 00:13:29,666 So you did "Nazi" that coming? 280 00:13:33,041 --> 00:13:35,291 Baby, I'm sorry. I was weird. 281 00:13:35,375 --> 00:13:36,666 But, like, I can be normal. 282 00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:38,541 And I think it'd be cool 283 00:13:38,625 --> 00:13:42,083 if instead of just being friends, we were, like, friends. 284 00:13:42,166 --> 00:13:46,166 Because I feel things about you, and you feel them about me. 285 00:13:46,250 --> 00:13:49,583 When we feel things this strongly, we should not take "no" for an answer. 286 00:13:50,916 --> 00:13:55,041 Come, my lady, come-come, my lady You're my butterfly, sugar baby 287 00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:56,125 Okay. 288 00:13:56,208 --> 00:14:00,125 Come, my lady, come-come, my lady You're my butterfly, sugar baby 289 00:14:01,125 --> 00:14:02,541 What? No. 290 00:14:04,875 --> 00:14:05,958 What? 291 00:14:06,041 --> 00:14:06,875 No. 292 00:14:06,958 --> 00:14:08,333 No, no. No! 293 00:14:08,416 --> 00:14:09,750 -No, no! -Huh? 294 00:14:17,708 --> 00:14:19,875 Oh no. 295 00:14:23,458 --> 00:14:24,750 Ow! 296 00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:29,208 Oh, this is a sad day for America. 297 00:14:29,291 --> 00:14:32,208 Naomi introduced me to my husband. 298 00:14:32,291 --> 00:14:36,416 Naomi gave me the confidence to leave my husband! 299 00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:38,833 Jeg er så glad i deg, Naomi. 300 00:14:38,916 --> 00:14:40,791 Jeg elsker deg så høyt! 301 00:14:40,875 --> 00:14:42,250 -What'd she say? -I don't know. 302 00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:43,416 You don't know Norwegian? 303 00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:47,000 I neither know Norwegian nor knew my mother knows Norwegian. 304 00:14:52,250 --> 00:14:53,583 What are you doing? 305 00:14:54,625 --> 00:14:58,333 -You're making it worse. Stop flailing. -Stop kissing Justin Durango. 306 00:14:59,916 --> 00:15:02,083 It's none of your business who I'm kissing. 307 00:15:02,166 --> 00:15:03,583 We agreed there were no rules. 308 00:15:03,666 --> 00:15:06,500 But the unspoken rule was that we wouldn't betray each other. 309 00:15:06,583 --> 00:15:08,083 I'm not betraying you. 310 00:15:08,166 --> 00:15:09,000 -No? -No rules! 311 00:15:09,083 --> 00:15:11,875 Okay, 'cause we've been best friends for, like, all my life. 312 00:15:11,958 --> 00:15:15,250 We hook up, and when we're not hooking up, we're spooning, 313 00:15:15,333 --> 00:15:18,708 your hair in my face, the scent of your Glow by Jennifer Lopez perfume. 314 00:15:18,791 --> 00:15:20,666 -What does that have to-- -Never mind. 315 00:15:20,750 --> 00:15:22,833 I thought we were friends. 316 00:15:22,916 --> 00:15:26,416 We are friends. And I'm also friends with Justin Durango. 317 00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:28,458 -And sometimes I kiss him. -Sometimes? 318 00:15:28,541 --> 00:15:31,750 Yeah, like sometimes I kiss you. I like to kiss people. It's fun. 319 00:15:31,833 --> 00:15:33,833 What does Justin Durango have that I don't? 320 00:15:33,916 --> 00:15:35,375 Nothing! That's the point! 321 00:15:35,458 --> 00:15:37,458 There's nothing going on up here, 322 00:15:37,541 --> 00:15:39,916 so we don't have to have conversations like this. 323 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:44,125 Besides, it's not like you and I could ever really be together anyway. 324 00:15:44,208 --> 00:15:45,041 Why not? 325 00:15:45,125 --> 00:15:48,875 Our lives are changing. I'm changing. 326 00:15:48,958 --> 00:15:51,625 Even the Little Women grew up and moved on from each other. 327 00:15:51,708 --> 00:15:54,208 Maybe it's like that. You're Jo, and I'm Meg. 328 00:15:55,083 --> 00:15:56,250 Ah. Ugh! 329 00:15:56,916 --> 00:15:59,333 Oh my God, you think you're Meg? 330 00:15:59,416 --> 00:16:01,791 Of the Little Women? Yeah, I'm probably Meg. 331 00:16:01,875 --> 00:16:03,333 You're obviously Amy. 332 00:16:03,416 --> 00:16:06,958 Amy? Why am I Amy? Do you even know me at all? 333 00:16:07,041 --> 00:16:09,583 Do you know you at all? What are we even talking about? 334 00:16:09,666 --> 00:16:11,750 Well, if I'm Amy, then you're Beth. 335 00:16:11,833 --> 00:16:13,500 Beth? You already said I'm Jo. 336 00:16:13,583 --> 00:16:15,916 Changed my mind, you're being a whiny little Beth right now. 337 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,958 You're saying that 'cause I said you're Amy. 338 00:16:18,041 --> 00:16:20,208 Which honestly is such an Amy move. 339 00:16:20,291 --> 00:16:23,625 And besides, how do you not understand that Amy is better than Meg? 340 00:16:23,708 --> 00:16:25,166 Why would you want to be Meg? 341 00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:27,208 Fine! Who cares? I don't care! 342 00:16:28,208 --> 00:16:30,458 Tonight is not about me and you, okay? 343 00:16:30,541 --> 00:16:32,083 I don't know how you take prom, 344 00:16:32,166 --> 00:16:35,416 which is supposed to be about all of us, as well as the victims of 9/11, 345 00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:37,458 and somehow make it all about yourself. 346 00:16:38,125 --> 00:16:39,000 Classic Shira. 347 00:16:39,083 --> 00:16:41,708 You know what? This is done. 348 00:16:41,791 --> 00:16:45,416 No, it's not. Because this was never anything. 349 00:16:51,541 --> 00:16:53,541 Ah! 350 00:16:58,583 --> 00:17:03,208 And now we have a video message from Naomi's big sisters, Susan and Carol. 351 00:17:03,291 --> 00:17:06,875 Sisters? Oh, so now there's three women who are too good for you. 352 00:17:06,958 --> 00:17:10,041 Now you're gonna hear about the real Naomi Schwartz. 353 00:17:10,125 --> 00:17:11,291 No way they'll be nice. 354 00:17:11,375 --> 00:17:13,625 Hi, Naomi. We have to keep it short. 355 00:17:13,708 --> 00:17:15,916 We don't know how to change the battery on this. 356 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,291 Told you look at the manual. 357 00:17:17,375 --> 00:17:20,208 For this I drove to Teaneck to get berated by my little sister. 358 00:17:20,291 --> 00:17:22,500 -It wasn't for the weather. -"Berated," she says. 359 00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:25,125 This is berating, I guess, if you live in Woodstock! 360 00:17:25,208 --> 00:17:27,208 Can we please get it together, for Naomi? 361 00:17:27,791 --> 00:17:30,958 Naomi, we only know you as our baby sister, 362 00:17:31,041 --> 00:17:34,541 but you are actually the big sister to this whole community. 363 00:17:34,625 --> 00:17:37,333 -Oh my God, I'm gonna cry. -Even though we'll always see you 364 00:17:37,416 --> 00:17:38,916 -as our little noodge… -Stop it. 365 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,125 …we are so proud. What is the blinking? 366 00:17:41,208 --> 00:17:42,875 I told you, it's the batter-- 367 00:17:45,333 --> 00:17:46,791 Why not do a second take? 368 00:17:46,875 --> 00:17:48,833 I guess even your mean aunts like your mom. 369 00:17:48,916 --> 00:17:51,000 Seems the only one who doesn't like her is you. 370 00:17:51,083 --> 00:17:53,125 I swear! That's the first time they've ever been nice. 371 00:17:54,708 --> 00:17:55,541 It worked! 372 00:17:55,625 --> 00:17:58,583 I knew smashing it in the sink would get the wine out! 373 00:17:58,666 --> 00:18:01,000 That's why they call it "getting smashed." 374 00:18:01,083 --> 00:18:04,291 Danny, I'm not sure about this. There is a lot of broken glass. 375 00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:06,750 Someone's in here! 376 00:18:06,833 --> 00:18:08,750 -Yoshi, is that you? -Uh… 377 00:18:08,833 --> 00:18:13,958 Argh, no! It's me, Shrek. I'm with me donkey friend. 378 00:18:14,041 --> 00:18:15,333 Quick, do the Donkey voice. 379 00:18:15,416 --> 00:18:16,333 Uh… 380 00:18:16,416 --> 00:18:18,125 Gah! Son of a… 381 00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:22,333 Oh gosh, all right. Danny, give me some of that liquid courage. 382 00:18:22,416 --> 00:18:23,875 I know what I have to do. 383 00:18:26,833 --> 00:18:29,208 Naomi was my social worker when I was in high school. 384 00:18:29,291 --> 00:18:32,333 She was transferring me from my parents' house to a foster home. 385 00:18:32,416 --> 00:18:35,958 I told her I wasn't ready to go in yet, so she took me to McDonald's. 386 00:18:36,041 --> 00:18:39,500 And we just talked. Actually, I talked. She just listened. 387 00:18:39,583 --> 00:18:41,625 Just listened? Mom? 388 00:18:41,708 --> 00:18:44,750 And when all the food was gone and there was nothing left to say, 389 00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:47,833 Naomi just sat in the car with me until I was ready. 390 00:18:47,916 --> 00:18:52,125 And now I'm studying music at Juilliard. Naomi told me not to miss class for this, 391 00:18:52,208 --> 00:18:54,708 but I said, "No way, you mean too much to me." 392 00:18:54,791 --> 00:18:57,750 Wow, that's crazy, because she made me miss class for this. 393 00:18:57,833 --> 00:18:59,916 -Juilliard, there it is. -Huh? 394 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,208 Oh yeah. 395 00:19:01,291 --> 00:19:02,958 So, what's going to be on my mix CD? 396 00:19:03,041 --> 00:19:04,791 Oh, I don't know. Sorry, I just… 397 00:19:04,875 --> 00:19:07,166 I can't believe she did all that stuff. 398 00:19:07,250 --> 00:19:08,625 Sounds like an incredible mom. 399 00:19:08,708 --> 00:19:13,416 She does sound like one. I just got a different version of her. 400 00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,083 Speaking of sounds, what do you listen to? 401 00:19:15,166 --> 00:19:17,166 -Why didn't I get that Mom? -Okay, so we're still… 402 00:19:17,250 --> 00:19:19,166 How come all these people did but not me? 403 00:19:19,250 --> 00:19:21,208 Oh no. No, no, no. 404 00:19:21,291 --> 00:19:22,666 Yeah, I don't know, man. 405 00:19:26,125 --> 00:19:29,708 Before I bring my kids back up, I would like to say a few words. 406 00:19:29,791 --> 00:19:32,541 Naomi, you are the spark of my world. 407 00:19:32,625 --> 00:19:34,916 Knowing you has made me better. 408 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,708 So, Juilliard? 409 00:19:36,791 --> 00:19:38,375 I started playing piano at seven. 410 00:19:38,458 --> 00:19:40,083 -I never gave up. -Hmm. 411 00:19:40,166 --> 00:19:43,458 As the black ribbon of time unspools before us… 412 00:19:43,541 --> 00:19:45,875 We get it, you love her, all right. 413 00:19:45,958 --> 00:19:48,208 Gee, I wish I loved my wife that much. 414 00:19:49,041 --> 00:19:50,416 What did you say? 415 00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,625 Miriam? I thought you was in the shower. 416 00:19:52,708 --> 00:19:54,375 Oh my God, it's Cousin Miriam! 417 00:19:54,458 --> 00:19:56,833 I'll show you what's not kosher! 418 00:19:56,916 --> 00:19:58,750 Take this and this! 419 00:19:58,833 --> 00:19:59,791 What happened to you? 420 00:19:59,875 --> 00:20:04,125 I don't know, I was stressed, 'cause Uncle Barry was, like, up my ass. 421 00:20:04,208 --> 00:20:08,125 But Danny was like, "Hey, man." And I was like, "Cool." 422 00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:11,125 Yeesh. You got to sober up, buddy. Why don't you eat something? 423 00:20:11,208 --> 00:20:13,500 Oh, I ate something, all right. 424 00:20:13,583 --> 00:20:16,500 -Okay, and what happened to you? -We don't have to talk about it. 425 00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:19,125 I don't need to make everything about me. Tonight's about Mom. 426 00:20:19,208 --> 00:20:21,666 Kids, why don't you come back up here? 427 00:20:24,333 --> 00:20:27,833 Hello again, everyone. Beep-bop-boop-bop. 428 00:20:27,916 --> 00:20:32,791 Uh, it's interesting to hear what Naomi is to so many people, 429 00:20:32,875 --> 00:20:35,791 because to us, she's just Mom. 430 00:20:35,875 --> 00:20:41,125 But I guess to other people, she's some kind of "'Weird Al' Yankovic." 431 00:20:41,791 --> 00:20:45,958 I just wish everyone could have a "stegosaurus" 432 00:20:46,041 --> 00:20:48,916 like the one I heard about tonight. 433 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,333 One who supports and encourages and 434 00:20:52,958 --> 00:20:54,250 "discombobulates." 435 00:20:54,333 --> 00:20:58,125 She really gives people a lot of "pineapples," 436 00:20:58,208 --> 00:21:03,416 which is surprising, because we don't have a lot of pineapples at home. 437 00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:05,000 It really makes you, um… 438 00:21:05,833 --> 00:21:07,625 "surf." 439 00:21:07,708 --> 00:21:10,958 Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, we… 440 00:21:11,625 --> 00:21:12,666 "fart" you, Mom. 441 00:21:14,500 --> 00:21:16,208 Oh, sweetheart. 442 00:21:17,666 --> 00:21:19,458 And I have an announcement. 443 00:21:19,541 --> 00:21:22,333 I ate the Passover candies. 444 00:21:22,416 --> 00:21:24,916 I did it in the bathroom, and they were bad. 445 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:31,208 Now I'm even with all of you. 446 00:21:34,375 --> 00:21:35,583 Okay. 447 00:21:35,666 --> 00:21:39,208 Thank you for all those beautiful words. Thank you all. 448 00:21:39,291 --> 00:21:42,916 I can't tell you what this means to me, and to the JCC. 449 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,875 And thank you to Cousin Moishe for hosting. 450 00:21:45,958 --> 00:21:47,958 You look so handsome on stage. 451 00:21:48,041 --> 00:21:49,291 Kiss! 452 00:21:49,375 --> 00:21:51,208 I couldn't. He's married! 453 00:21:51,291 --> 00:21:53,916 Come here, Naomi. Give me a big smooch. 454 00:21:54,625 --> 00:21:55,916 Moishe, enough! 455 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,750 That is my wife, and you will not disrespect her. 456 00:21:58,833 --> 00:22:00,500 Oh! 457 00:22:02,916 --> 00:22:05,833 You know, kids, there were a lot of nice things tonight, 458 00:22:05,916 --> 00:22:08,666 but my favorite was the toast you gave. 459 00:22:08,750 --> 00:22:11,250 It was so clever and creative, 460 00:22:11,333 --> 00:22:13,500 and I love that you all did it together. 461 00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:17,625 Why would Mom say that? 462 00:22:17,708 --> 00:22:19,708 Ours was clearly the worst of all of them. 463 00:22:19,791 --> 00:22:20,916 I thought we did okay. 464 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,083 You weren't there. 465 00:22:22,166 --> 00:22:25,750 There were so many people who really know Mom and love her, 466 00:22:25,833 --> 00:22:27,958 and meanwhile, we're doing our shtick 467 00:22:28,041 --> 00:22:30,791 like an emotionally constipated Yakko, Wakko, and Dot. 468 00:22:30,875 --> 00:22:33,625 -Okay, Wakko. Well-- -Obviously, I'm Yakko. 469 00:22:33,708 --> 00:22:35,750 She's probably just trying to make us feel guilty. 470 00:22:35,833 --> 00:22:37,750 We should have said the thing that's her favorite. 471 00:22:37,833 --> 00:22:40,750 But instead, we threw together this half-assed routine 472 00:22:40,833 --> 00:22:43,583 that made it seem like we don't even know her at all. 473 00:22:43,666 --> 00:22:44,791 Maybe we don't know her. 474 00:22:44,875 --> 00:22:48,250 Well, whose fault is that? We know the Naomi that she is with us. 475 00:22:48,333 --> 00:22:50,000 Maybe we're right and they're wrong. 476 00:22:50,083 --> 00:22:52,375 Guys, guys, guys. Guys, you guys. You guys. 477 00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:53,791 She said she loved it. 478 00:22:53,875 --> 00:22:56,500 Why do you gotta turn it into a whole 'vestigation? 479 00:22:56,583 --> 00:22:58,416 We're funny. "Stegosaurus." 480 00:22:58,500 --> 00:22:59,541 Ha! Great stuff. 481 00:22:59,625 --> 00:23:01,708 You think that because you're 11 and drunk right now, 482 00:23:01,791 --> 00:23:03,500 -but one day-- -I deserve more credit. 483 00:23:03,583 --> 00:23:08,291 It was my idea to do the Mad Libs. Plus, I'm the one who came up with "fart." 484 00:23:08,375 --> 00:23:09,875 Good night. 485 00:23:14,958 --> 00:23:16,833 -All right, here we go. -Oh my God. 486 00:23:16,916 --> 00:23:18,166 Yoshi, are you okay? 487 00:23:18,250 --> 00:23:19,541 -It's like a rainbow. -Oh. 488 00:23:19,625 --> 00:23:21,208 Why did I eat all that candy? 489 00:23:21,291 --> 00:23:22,125 Should we-- 490 00:23:22,208 --> 00:23:24,750 Elliott, they're taking care of each other. 491 00:23:24,833 --> 00:23:26,250 -It's wonderful. -Careful. 492 00:23:26,333 --> 00:23:27,541 Let's go to bed. 493 00:23:28,375 --> 00:23:31,000 And bring Cousin Moishe. He can watch. 494 00:23:32,791 --> 00:23:37,375 When I tell you that I love you Don't test my love 495 00:23:37,458 --> 00:23:41,791 Accept my love Don't test my love 496 00:23:41,875 --> 00:23:46,041 'Cause maybe I don't love you All that much 497 00:23:48,416 --> 00:23:52,541 Don't ask what kind of music I'm gonna play tonight 498 00:23:52,625 --> 00:23:56,708 Just stay awhile Hear for yourself awhile 499 00:23:56,791 --> 00:24:01,000 And if you must put me in a box Make sure it's a big box 500 00:24:01,083 --> 00:24:05,208 With lots of windows And a door to walk through 501 00:24:05,291 --> 00:24:07,416 And a nice high chimney 502 00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:12,208 So we can burn burn burn Everything that we don't like 503 00:24:12,291 --> 00:24:16,041 And watch the ashes Fly up to Heaven 504 00:24:16,125 --> 00:24:20,541 Maybe all the way to India I'd like that e don't like