[tense music plays]
[inhales, exhales]
STRENGTHS: NONE
WEAKNESSES: NO INTERCOURSE!!! PENIS HARDNESS
OPPORTUNITIES: ??????
THREATS: END OF RELATIONSHIP WITH ADAM!!!
WHAT TO BUY GRANDMA FOR XMAS
WHAT TURNS MEN ON
[computer chimes]
WHAT TURNS MEN ON? – ASK A QUESTION
TIPS FOR A HOT DATE KINKY PRACTICES
MOST SEARCHED PORN CATEGORIES
[gulps]
[tense music plays]
I want…
to taste…
your cock right now.
[opening theme music plays]
[opening theme music ends]
[scream]
[exhales]
[gong sounds]
Oh sweetheart.
Our timing is excellent!
[whimsical music plays]
[rapid knocking]
[Marek] Ever the contrarian.
I used to bring work home.
Now I see you're bringing home to work.
-[Monika] It's only temporary. -[chuckles]
Just temporary.
-That's what you always said. -Me?
[Marek chuckles]
[exhales]
Małgorzata.
It's an interesting choice.
-Did you come here to give me advice, Dad? -No.
But I've had some free time lately.
The reason why I'm here is to ask if you need any help.
No. Everything's under control.
Yeah.
I can see that it is.
You know, initially I kept asking myself if I should just drop in on you like this.
It only took three minutes to be sure I'd made the right decision.
Your vent is drafty.
My vent?
The window vent.
And winter's coming.
A recipe for disaster. It'll be frosty.
-Yeah, however, it's not difficult to fix. -It's not if you have the skill.
It's just a week is a long time.
A week or I could, uh, maybe ten days. There's no point in planning.
It's just I've got so much work.
From dusk til dawn I've got..
lots of work.
-I'm just afraid you're gonna be bored. -I've got stuff to do.
Yeah?
Yeah, dumplings. I'll make you dinner.
You can have them after work. [chuckles]
I know that you're self-sufficient now, but, you know,
a man around the house is feminist.
Isn't it?
No.
Well if it turns out you need some fatherly support after all…
What do you mean when you say, "fatherly support"?
Money, of course.
[chuckling] Oh, okay. I get it.
Marek will always be Marek, won't he?
Listen, if you're scared I'll cut you off again,
you don't have to worry.
I did what I had to then. Now it's different.
I can see that you've changed.
Uh, it's my pedagogic success after all.
Uh, hold on a minute.
I'm sorry, you think all of this is thanks to you?
Uh-huh.
[door lock beeps]
Oh, Maks!
I'm happy to see you.
Well, it's good to see you too.
I'm sorry I have to go. I have a meeting with my advisor.
-This is Maks. -[Maks] Advisor?
Good luck at Tour de France. Maks, let's go!
I've been doing some riding lately.
Mmm.
Ready for a picnic?
I don't know.
I… This is my first picnic.
We haven't really hung out in a while. We can finally talk with each other.
You'd like that, huh?
What?
…to taste it…
Mmm, well you know, like, what if we say stuff to each other.
[chuckles]
Well, yeah. I prefer to listen.
To you.
[bottles clinking]
[engine dies]
-[starter clicking] -[engine starts]
Was the car a communion gift?
[chuckles]
You're witty.
[chuckles]
It's really a shame the app didn't work out
because you would've done well in interviews.
This car is optimal for driving in the city
because it's fuel-efficient, it fits anywhere, and it won't get stolen.
Yeah, that's for sure.
Besides, I get attached to things.
Oh, and most importantly, it's a magnet for chicks.
[chuckles] You're witty too, Maks.
-[upbeat music plays] -Uh, I have my moments.
[indistinct chatter]
-[man] Good afternoon, miss. -Good afternoon.
Relax, he's gonna like you.
-Oh. -[Lilith] Don't worry. [chuckles]
Hey.
The Old Town, a gorgeous girl. Guessing it's a date.
[chuckles]
It's all right.
Don't worry, I've reached a point where I accept heterosexuals.
Gotta say, the location is a bit cliché, don't you think?
-Well, he picked it out. -Mmm.
I'll help you. I'll take this coin and toss it into a fountain for you
wishing you a good date.
[both chuckle]
Thanks.
[horse neighs]
[Lilith] Uh… [clears throat]
[man] Paulina?
[horse neighs]
She awaits you, castellan.
Uh, no, I… I'm not castellan, I'm Marcin.
Hi, Marcin.
[horse neighs]
You know, actually, I'd never have thought to bring you with me.
This could be a good opportunity, and I think this could be good for Sexify.
I wouldn't be so sure. I don't think we can fire anyone here.
We won't be firing anyone today. We're going to be strengthening our ties.
You'll be meeting some important people here
who it's good to have them on your side.
-Networking. -Now there's something I'm good at.
Wonderful! Then, when we go inside, you'll be able to prove it
So, what's the occasion?
It's a wake.
Let's go.
Holy cow, I really did hit the jackpot.
Here I thought this was a dating app, not a modeling agency.
Thank you.
That's very sweet.
Seriously, I've heard it's easy to get suckered on there.
Suckered?
You know, the girls cheat. They upload…
You know, they take these photos that are like, "Wow."
And then you go on a date and--
-And there's no "wow." Mmm. -Exactly.
So, in your profile, you also wrote,
"I'm a tall blond."
I'm 5'10". That's the low end of tall.
Oh. That's fair, I guess.
[horse snorts]
-Would you mind if I ask some questions? -Pick a number.
Uh… seven?
I knew you'd say seven.
-You feel it? -What?
Between us. There's vibrations with us, right?
Oh, look, my phone's ringing.
Yeah? I don't hear it.
It's the vibration. I felt it going off.
[horse neighs]
Yes, Mom?
What, now?
Uh, don't worry. I'll be right over, okay?
-[phone ringing] -Bye-bye.
I'm sorry. [rolls tongue] Horsey!
[horse neighs]
NATALIA: WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING? HOW'S IT GOING?
GREAT!
I'm done. Sorry.
[Adam] By the way, what are you working on now?
Well, we're trying to work on expanding the app.
[Adam] Like, uh, expanding it to other devices?
Uh… Yeah, I guess you could say that.
You're so mysterious.
So how about we set up our picnic?
Hmm.
Nepalese cuisine. My top three.
Maybe top five.
You should have warned me that you were taking me to a wake today.
But you said, and I quote,
"Let's go anywhere."
"I can't take another five minutes with him or I'll die."
-[man 1] Hi. -[Maks] Hi.
-[man 2] Hi. Hello. -Hello.
-Good afternoon.
Nepalese cuisine. My top three.
Well… [chuckles]
…maybe top five.
Besides, remember, we're on a mission. Networking.
All right. Who was the star of the party?
-He was my first boss. -What happened to him?
-Manaslu. -A virus?
No. The mountain.
[calm music plays]
It's fun to just hang out, right?
[Paulina] Um.
Two people on a walk…
But no pressure.
No pressure.
LIPS KEBAB
-Zero pressure. -Zero.
-[man] Excuse me. -[Paulina] Sorry.
These trampolines are fucking amazing!
Yeah. Super.
Watch this! [grunts]
Are you sure… you don't want any?
Uh, no, thanks.
Are you still in school? Or college?
[Paweł] Yeah! Watch! [grunts]
What else do you like--
Watch me now! Whoop!
So, how's the…
The…?
So, uh, can you tell me a little bit about your erogenous zones?
I mean, y'know, uh…
your studies.
[dog barking]
Oh. Do you have a dog?
What?
Your jacket.
Oh, fucking hell.
-Y'know, just chill small talk. -Oh!
[phone chimes]
MONIKA: ARE YOU ON IT??!
[Radek muffled] And it took me a while.
However, I finally decided to go into civil law.
DAD: VENT IS WORKING
Am I boring you?
What?
No.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, I'm just a bit, uh, tired is all.
With work?
[Paulina] Well, to be honest,
with dates.
[chuckles] I hear that.
This is my fourth this week.
On the one hand it's cool that there's so much choice.
But on the other hand,
you know how we've got all these different food apps?
If I had one place nearby to get food, I'd just go there, eat and that's it.
Instead, I scroll.
Maybe Indian food?
Or pizza?
How about sushi?
Or maybe bao?
In the end, I don't order anything.
And then I go hungry.
Yeah.
I go hungry too.
[calm music plays]
[man] All right. I guess I've been talking too much tonight about myself.
I hope you won't scroll past me.
[Paulina chuckles]
Tell me about yourself.
[Paulina exhales]
[door closes]
Should I take off my shoes?
-[music ends] -[footsteps approaching]
Your shoes?
[gong sounds]
[officiant] Dearly beloved,
we have gathered here today to say farewell to our friend, Paweł.
History will remember him as the largest Polish producer
and distributor of food coloring.
But is that the whole truth about Paweł?
When I say "Paweł Augustyniak,"
I think of the word "conqueror."
Paweł fathered a son. He planted a tree, many in fact.
He built a house in Corsica.
And we know what construction looks like in France.
[guests chuckle]
Never mind that. Most importantly, he remained
insatiable.
No one could tame him.
Not his first wife, Kasia,
his second wife, Bożenka, or even his third wife, Jessica.
Paweł, he was a real conqueror.
He was a real man.
He lived as a champion and mountaineering was his goal.
Can we imagine having a death more beautiful?
One that is more fitting and meaningful
than passing during an ascent?
WHAT'S THE SITUATION AT THE OFFICE?
Sorry.
REPORT TO ME, GIRLS!
I swear.
-That one was the last one today. -It's all good.
I know that waiting isn't for you.
But that said…
the wait could be nicer, right?
[upbeat music plays]
Oh, sorry. I forgot.
[gun fires]
[Radek exhales]
[child] What are you doing here?
Us?
We were hugging.
I don't mean sex.
Oh. Then what is it?
I'm asking what you're doing here?
This is the grave of Uhlans who died fighting for Poland's independence.
[upbeat music plays]
TO THE SOLDIERS OF THE 22ND UHLAN REGIMENT
[upbeat music ends]
[Radek panting]
[Radek exhales]
It was a good Thursday, I'd say. [laughs]
[exhales]
[Radek sniffs]
[Paulina] Uh, hey, can I ask you something?
Yeah, shoot.
[Radek inhales, exhales]
How would you rate your experience right now?
[chuckles]
It was good, right?
Mmm, it was.
Uh, I wonder if there's something, uh, that you'd like to improve.
Didn't you like it?
Yeah, it was nice for sure.
Nice?
Those are practically the same words, right? "Nice" and "good."
No, it's not. Those are two different things.
-I didn't mean to upset you. -It's okay. I'm not upset.
It's cool, totally.
Mmm. We just had sex, and I'd like it if we could talk about it.
Like adults.
-[bell rings] -[horse neighs]
You could just say you didn't like it.
[laughs]
I just wanted to know what could've been done better.
I was your perspective. Please.
I can be better.
I can go again three times.
Give me five minutes.
Or seven.
[electronic music plays]
I'll just get some fresh air.
[bell rings]
[zen music plays]
Ferdinand Magellan,
please accept Paweł Augustyniak into your circle.
[melodic humming]
Vasco da Gama, accept Paweł Augustyniak into your circle.
[melodic humming]
Neil Armstrong, accept Paweł Augustyniak into your circle.
[melodic humming]
[Monika] Oh, come on!
I know it is bad manners to speak ill of the dead,
but this is all a bit much, don't you think?
Excuse me. Who are you?
Me? I brought a letter that's signed by Neil Armstrong.
He wanted me to say, "None of you are explorers."
"You're hobbyists, and that's all you are. Sincerely, from Heaven."
-[bell rings] -[horse neighs]
[laughs]
WHEN YOU WANTED TO MAKE A SEX TAPE
AN APP FOR HARDCORE PLAYERS
[phone vibrating]
You wanna get that?
No, I'll let it ring.
It can wait, and we were doing so well,
so, you know, we can continue where we left off.
Sounds good.
[phone vibrating continues]
I didn't have my backpack on earlier.
Oh, right.
And I think earlier I was positioned more like this. There.
Well, it looks like we need to find new contacts elsewhere.
-If he meant something to you, sorry. -No, Paweł was always a clod.
Then why did you come to this clown party?
[Maks] Because that's what one should do.
Well, it's enough the other ones did. You don't have to do it too.
"Ones." Oh, that's funny.
Maks? Maks!
Wait, is it over? Already?
Uh, hello, Jarek. Well, yeah, it seems to be over.
[groans] Fucking hell.
All because of those fucking bus lanes.
Jarek Kraszko.
Monika Nowicka.
It's really nice to see you, Maks.
And congratulations! You've finally got a business to run.
Wow. You're running a business?
-No, it's just-- -That's ridiculous.
Haven't boasted to your lady yet?
Maksy has got a big start-up that he's running,
Sexi… uh…
whatever. [chuckles]
So, he's worth holding on to.
I'm fucking off. Really good to see you.
-Nice meeting you. -But…
I didn't know you were running a start-up named Sexi-whatever.
So, you have your lady to boast to?
No, he must've misunderstood is all.
Monika, you're the CEO. I just want to help you.
Really?
Or maybe you'd rather have us fail, is that it?
You operate on the patient,
but if anything goes wrong, you'll steal his watch right then.
That's the fucking doctor you are. Hmm?
-[phone ringing] -Where are you going?
I don't need a ride from you.
Yes, Paulina?
Sexiguy?!
You're kidding.
Okay. On the way.
Listen, you can give me a ride after all.
Know this, I'm watching you.
[phone vibrating]
[Adam] Um, what if it's important?
No. I'm sure it's fine.
You know, uh…
It's gotten a bit cold anyway, so…
maybe we should head back?
[sad music plays]
I wanted to tas-- Um, tas--
to taste…
What did you want?
[electronic music plays]
…to taste…
To taste…
-What do you want to taste? -…your cock.
[electronic music ends]
[phone vibrating]
I need to get that.
[laughs]
Sexiguy. Someone fucking stole our idea.
[Natalia] I don't ever recall our idea including the advice,
"You're a stud, show your mare what you got there."
They're using our code, yeah, but it's just a bunch of memes.
ALWAYS START ON TOP! FIND OUT WHY!
SPEAK IN A DEEP VOICE
Except that guys are using it.
The guy I was with told me his buddy said this app was great.
I'd just blow this off.
They'll do it for a while, then get bored and shut the app down.
-You underestimate them. -Who?
Uh, guys. They don't give up.
I don't know who did this shit,
but I bet he thinks he's Vasco da Gama or Indiana Jones. And he won't give up.
LILITH: I RUINED YOUR DATE :(
This could really hurt us.
I SAID THE WISH OUT LOUD!
-Paulina. -What?
What do you think?
[whimsical music plays]
I, uh, I think I'll go back to my research.
Attagirl. Go get them all.
Okay, Mom.
YOU CAN STILL MAKE UP FOR IT
We have to figure out who exactly is behind this
before Małgorzata finds out.
IF SHE SAYS SIZE DOESN'T MATTER
IT MEANS YOURS IS TINY
[horse neighs]
[indistinct chatter]
Sorry.
You came.
Yeah, I made it.
-How was the date? -Depends which one.
Actually, no. Horrible.
[upbeat music plays]
Let's go. I'll show you around.
Sorry for the lack of a carriage.
[both chuckle]
Wow.
[woman 1] Hi, Paulina.
[Paulina] Hey.
-Hello. -Hey.
Oops. [chuckles]
This way.
[keyboard clacking]
[Natalia] I've got it!
[Monika] The authors?
No, the address.
I was trying to hack their system and get the IP.
This is why I love you. You're a brainiac.
I wasn't able to do it.
How'd you get the address?
I put "Sexiguy" into a search engine.
17 Sierakowska Street, R&G LLC.
[Natalia] R&G.
-Let's go and visit -Where?
17 Sierakowska Street.
-Isn't it a bit late? -No.
I heard that they stay open 24 hours for the girls they stole from.
[electronic music plays]
Hmm.
SEXI GROUP CHAT: DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR RESEARCH
WE'RE ONTO THEM
AND WE'LL KICK THEIR BUTTS!
[somber music plays]
[Paulina clears throat]
[Paulina] These were also made by my friends.
You've got talented friends.
You should introduce me to them.
Mmm-hmm.
Not tonight though.
What's on for tonight?
[music ends]
[Lilith] Hmm.
I think I'll be a lesbian.
You think so?
Am I not allowed?
[chuckles] "I think I'll be a lesbian."
[Paulina] What is it?
[clicks tongue] Have you fallen in love with a woman?
Anne Hathaway I've always found attractive.
[tuts] All right.
Have you ever ended up with a stomachache
because your friend hadn't texted you back in five hours?
[Lilith hesitates]
Or during a school dance discovered the person you really wanted to go with
that night was Basia or Kasia instead of Paweł?
I was hoping for Krzyś.
[Lilith chuckles]
-But he did have long hair. -Mm-hmm.
But tonight felt really good.
Because I'm really good.
You are.
That's irrelevant though because it's not a thing you choose.
I'm sorry to tell you this, Paulina, but the thing is, you're straight.
Well, fuck.
Yeah.
My condolences.
-[calm music plays] -[metal banging]
[sighs]
[phone chimes]
GERARD, 47 CARPE DIEM, I AM WHAT I AM
ALEK, 43 AMATEUR FLORIST
ŁUKASZ, 28 IN LIFE, ONLY MOMENTS ARE BEAUTIFUL
TOMEK, 41 LOOKING FOR A WIFE
ZYGMUNT, 55, RETIRED TEACHER I LOVE AIR SHOWS AND MUSHROOMS
[snores]
[Zygmunt snores]
[driver] It's right here.
Are you sure?
What? Did think it would be Silicon Valley?
[electronic music plays]
STAR GARAGE
[Natalia] What now?
[dog barking]
Out here! It's Sexify!
[electronic music plays]
[Paulina in Polish] But…
[electronic music continues]
[electronic music ends]
[upbeat music plays]
[upbeat music ends]