Why are we always being made to define ourselves
through our relationships?
I don't know. What I have with Víctor is…
complicated.
Do we sleep with each other?
Yes!
Do we do couple stuff together?
You bet.
We do things together as a couple.
But we aren't a couple.
If I had to say what we do most, I would say we sleep with each other.
I mean, we're not girlfriend and boyfriend.
But that's what we agreed to in this new stage we're in.
We don't ask for any explanation,
and we don't know any more than the other wants us to know.
And the good thing is I'm very clear on it.
The thing I have with Víctor right now is only…
physical.
And it works very well.
This is my favorite kind of movie.
Well, almost.
I have to go home.
-I'm up early tomorrow. -Okay.
But then we're expected to just put ourselves into one of these two boxes.
-It'll only take a moment, yeah? -Okay, but if you need more time to…
Okay, look, it's very easy.
Just mark the "single" box,
and now, your fucking ID can get renewed so you can go to Carmen's hen party.
That's it. Come on, we've got a bunch of things to do.
-A drink first? -Thanks. And sorry.
-What do you want? -A little one.
-Okay. -Not in the mood?
Sure I am.
CANNIBAL HOMELAND
BASED ON THE NOVELS BY ELÍSABET BENAVENT
3.1 THE BACHELORETTE PARTY
Wow.
What?
Nothing. Nothing. I'm… I'm gonna put some clothes on and go.
Okay.
-There's some tea left if you want it. -Well, maybe I'll have one.
Just one because I wanna see if I can write a bit more at home.
And I still need to pack my suitcase for the trip.
-When do you leave? -At 4:20 in the morning.
Don't remind me.
Hey.
What do you think about… me sleeping over at your place tonight?
A sleepover?
Two nights in a row?
Only if you want me to.
-Of course. -Mmm.
-Really? -Yeah.
I have to go to the construction site tomorrow, and it's closer to your place.
Huh.
-So last night was… -Wow!
What?
It… It… was great.
I will see you later tonight.
Asshole.
Imposter.
See you.
-You have a good day. -You as well.
Mmm…
Ugh.
He said "Wow"? Holy shit.
I mean, what the actual fuck?
Let me know if I left anything at your place.
I've already taken everything from that awful co-living situation.
-Ugh! -I don't think you did.
But I can bring stuff over if I find it. I wanna see where you're living.
No, I only want you to come when it's finished.
No, Nerea. You don't have to set it up perfectly for me to see it.
Houses should feel lived in, like mine.
You'd better live in yours, with all that space.
I was screwing the old tenant, but when he got back with his ex,
he moved out, and I grabbed the place.
It's just that you girls never get off the real-estate sites.
Oh shit. What happened there?
BRIDGE COLLAPSES, NO CASUALTIES
-What a disaster! -Fuck, the whole bridge has fallen down.
THIS ASTURIAN HIGHWAY IS CLOSED AND FULL OF SOFAS
Oh, that blue sofa is so cute.
What a waste. At least no one was injured.
But why Chinese?
It's my job to know languages, and I'm done making out with Sergio,
so my brain is ready to be filled with things that are actually useful.
If I'd known he was at reception, I'd have signed up sooner.
Is there anywhere that isn't Tinder for you?
Tinder?The guys on there talk more than they fuck.
-Hello. -Hello.
Hello! How are you?
How can I help you?
Uh, no, not her. I'm signing up for Chinese.
And you? Don't you wanna take the class?
No, thank you. Not for me.
Hmm.
-Maybe you can give me a form to enroll? -Oh, yeah, excuse me.
-If you don't mind? -Sorry. Here you go.
Bye.
Ugh. Well, I better get going.
I'm meeting Carmen to start organizing her wedding.
Your first wedding. Exciting, isn't it?
Are you excited?
Yes, of course I'm excited.
I'm also a bit stressed out by the move and everything, but I'm super excited.
I'm gonna see you at the airport. Not late, okay?
Hmm.
The accident has had serious effects on all routes in and out of Asturias airport…
BRIDGE COLLAPSE PARALYZES ASTURIAS
…which were cut off when an elevated bridge suddenly collapsed.
Only one person was injured in the incident.
-A truck driver… -Hey, Carmen.
-Yes? -Listen. I wanted to--
You're pressing the sheets, too, my love?
There is nothing more satisfying
than crawling between some awesome, freshly pressed sheets.
Why do you think people enjoy hotel beds so much?
Because they don't have to be made in the morning? Or pressed?
Fine. I find it relaxing.
Are you nervous about the wedding meeting?
Well, not nervous, no.
-But what I wanted to tell you-- -No, no, no, no.
-You are really nervous. -I'm not.
Future man-wife.
Future woman-husband.
-Let me explain. -No, no, no, no, no.
Your nuptial nerves just happen to be… a big turn-on.
-And… -Mmm…
-Jesus fucking Christ! -What happened? Shit. Shit.
-Shit! -It's burning!
-A lot? -Yes!
A lot.
-Why does it smell like plastic? -It's my semi-permanent manicure.
-I'll go. Put some water on it. -Yes, I'll put some water on it.
Oh… Ow! God!
Hello.
-Hello, Borja. -God!
-Carmen is in the kitchen. -Right.
I'm here.
-I burned myself. -Okay.
Why didn't you tell me Borja's mother was coming?
Because she isn't coming.
Carmen.
Puri.
This is what I wanted to say. Get it?
Look. That look on her face is so cute.
-Yeah. -She got burnt, poor thing.
Too bad.
In Asturias, we have Montaña Marchena.
How's the road right now?
Given the scale of the collapse,
the principality has not yet been able to--
There's a podcast coming, ladies, but you're going to freak out.
Yesterday, when we finished fucking, Víctor let out a "Wow!" Just like that.
A perfect fuck summed up in the onomatopoeia of a bark.
I know there's no place for "I love you"s in what we have now, but "Wow"?
I've read travel reviews with more sentiment.
I gotta go. I want to find my bra and get back to my apartment.
I'll see you later, even if it is at four in the morning.
…leaving behind a missing section of the road,
which has been almost completely filled with sofas.
Sofa. Of course, the sofa.
Let's see. No. Uh… Oh, here.
Wow!
Imagine? Oh, that's a beautiful place.
-Hmm. -No?
Lots of green.
But isn't that maybe… better? No?
No because people wear high heels. The ground will end up like a golf course.
No.
Yes. That's honestly very well thought out.
We need to have some green spots and cobbled areas.
-Definitely, but it needs to be level. -Of course.
-People love to drink! -Because people drink!
They drink, that's so true.
And it's really tacky.
What is this?
That course'll cost you an arm and a leg, but you won't get much out of it.
-Mmm… -Who are you looking for?
Your parents.
They must be very worried that you're missing.
Hmm. Chinese, that's cool.
-Cantonese or Mandarin? -Mandarin.
For real?
Hey, if you're bored, why don't you get a TikTok like everyone else your age?
It's impressive how quickly you can come up with jokes about my age.
-You know, I'm just that good. -Yeah.
Rai. Or Raimundo.
Lola, or Dolores.
Wanna get a drink, Dolores?
No thank you, Raimundo. I prefer to spend time with people my own age.
RAI WOULD LIKE TO SHARE A CONTACT CARD
What was that?
It's witchcraft.
What a surprise, right? Looks like you can learn things from people my age.
Zài jiàn.
-Okay… -Let's see. Cocktail hour.
-Outside. Right? -Mmm… well, in fact,
we weren't planning a cocktail hour.
It's expensive, and people don't enjoy the food after.
-It can't be a wedding without cocktails. -Come on!
What are we? Animals?
Borja, please don't embarrass me. The aunties from Sevilla are coming.
Uh, what is all this about the aunties from Sevilla?
-Uh, okay… -We said a very small number of guests.
-No? -Yeah, not many.
-Uh-- -Well, let's see.
You've been to all your cousins' weddings, right?
-I have. -You can't leave them out.
-No. -And they're bringing your cousins?
-Uh, I-- -I think--
Mama, thing is, we've been talking about, uh, doing something simpler.
-You know? -Mm-hmm.
Well, I mean,
I think it's one thing to be simple and another thing to be stingy.
-Of course. -Right?
Puri's absolutely right.
-No, no, no, no. -Um…
Hey, uh… what do you say we focus on picking out the venue?
-And we'll move on from there. Okay? -Hmm.
-I have it figured out. -Oh my God.
-We have the cocktails here… -Cocktails here.
In this area, guests can mingle…
-…drinks… -You are so right!
They won't talk to each other unless we force them to socialize…
I'll get us more coffee. Hmm?
-Yes, this is beautiful. -Of course. A drink cart.
Oh! Between us, it's a good thing he has you,
or he'd be married in a mortuary.
Nerea, can you come here for a moment and tell me which coffee?
-No, I don't want coffee, thanks. -Tea?
-No, I don't want tea either. -Come here! Now.
-Be right back. -I'll talk it over with him.
Look!
-Honey, look. -What?
-I don't want to get in the middle. -No, but you might be overwhelming her.
Doesn't she have aunties?
-What's the matter? -This is our wedding ceremony, not Puri's!
-Puri said this venue is perfect. -I don't like that venue!
-You haven't even seen the pictures. -I don't need to!
What's happening is that you're more preoccupied with disagreeing with Puri
-than choosing the best venue. -No!
If you care more about competing with her than your ceremony,
you shouldn't have one.
-I wanted to show you what I found. -Wow.
It's not your wedding, Mom. It's ours.
-Uh… -What's your problem?
I'm sorry. Forgive me.
I shouldn't have said that to you. I'm just a bit stressed out.
-I promise I'll listen to you more, okay? -Hmm.
-Carmen? -Yeah.
-Can you please come in here for a minute? -One moment!
-Sure you're feeling okay? -Mm-hmm.
-Okay. -Yeah. I'm fine.
Mine.
VULVACIDE
CAN YOU GIVE ME A CLUE ABOUT WHERE WE'RE GOING?
LOLA - NO!
ARE WE SURE IT'S AT 4:20 A.M.?
NEREA - YES, AND SET THREE ALARMS
RAI WOULD LIKE TO SHARE A CONTACT CARD
CONTACT SAVED
CARMEN - AT LEAST TELL ME WHAT THE WEATHER'S LIKE
Okay, here we go.
VALERIA - NO!
CARMEN - I'M REALLY EXCITED, HOW ABOUT YOU?
LOLA - ABSOLUTELY.
NEREA - I CAN'T WAIT
VALERIA - AHH…
Good evening.
For you, it might be.
-What? -Haven't you been home?
-I have more clothes here-- -Maybe you should.
-Good morning. -Good night.
-I can see you're ready to live it up. -I didn't feel great when I woke up.
-I'm not feeling like a bed of roses. -Carmen can't know, okay?
-No, we'll just pretend, I'll remember. -Yeah.
She's coming. She's coming.
Long live the bride!
-Are you moving? -Why would you say that?
It happens when I don't know where we're going.
I'm bringing a coat, bikini, beret, sweater, and garters.
I was worried she'd pack me too.
Please tell me we're not wearing penis-shaped hats
and watching some guy do a striptease.
I wish, but Nerea is organizing the party.
You're gonna love it.
And Val? Where is she?
Mmm… Please tell me someone called Valeria
to make sure she didn't oversleep this time.
-I'll call her. I'll call her now. -I can't believe it.
It's not a problem. It's not a problem. Everything's ready.
What? Nothing?
Well, look, don't worry about it.
She'll be here.
This is why I had everyone come two hours early.
-In case this happened. -What?
-I'll kill her.
Wait till we've had our wedding. Nerea!
What? I'd rather wait than miss the plane, so come on. Coffee.
-Uh, cyanide! Please, cyanide. -I can't believe it.
-How can you stand her? -I don't know, Borja. Come on.
I have a taxi waiting for me.
I read your note.
I think I deserve a chance to explain.
No, you don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to find a bra in your sofa and put it on thinking it's mine.
-You put it on? -Ugh.
I'm sorry. Can I give you a lift, and we can talk about it?
I'm heading to the airport, please, sir. Thank you.
This isn't fair. We had an agreement.
I'm sorry, what? So when I read over the contract,
I must've missed that little clause.
Fucking hell. An agreement, he says.
I didn't sleep with her.
You serious?
I must look like an idiot if you think I'll believe a girl came to your house,
took off her clothes, and then you played Parcheesi.
-I wanted to sleep with her, but I didn't. -Why didn't you do it?
Because you wrote me a shitty message talking about some film you saw,
and I felt bad.
What does that mean? Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?
I wasn't lying to you.
We said we would only know what the other one wanted us to know.
Then you should've been more careful with everything
because now I know a whole lot more than you wanted me to know.
And guess what?
I don't wanna know.
Val.
Val!
-Oh, you will? -Sure.
-I'll see you at the airport, then. -Of course.
It's the least I can do after your hand.
-Yeah, it is. -You're the best, baby.
I know.
Why is it so difficult for us to find a stable partner?
In my case, it's clear. Just doesn't interest me.
Hmm.
What's wrong with you?
Hey, did you know that if I put my phone on top of yours, I can pass data to you?
-What are you talking about? -Did you know?
-No. -Girls, I'm here.
I hate you.
I have an excuse, but it's a long fucking story.
-I'll need a little support on this one. -More?
Yeah, Val, we all have problems.
-So what happened? -I'd rather not say in front of Carmen.
I don't wanna ruin her party weekend.
Hey, it's almost time!
Yes!
-What happened to your hand? -Nothing. Borja's obsessed with ironing.
-Inside joke. -Tongue in his mouth.
-We'll get ahead at the check-in. -Come on.
-Give me your bag. -Okay.
-Is your wallet inside? -Of course. Obviously.
How mysterious.
-Bye. -My love!
Mmm…
-You're gonna end up stuck together. -I'm gonna miss you.
-Mmm. -Be careful, okay?
Love you.We'll talk soon.
-Please have fun! -Okay. I love you.
-Enjoy it, girls. -Be careful.
-Lola, I'm going to fall, please. -You won't. Yes.
-And turn left a little. -No. It gives me…
-What's up? -Forward.
-I'm scared. Where? -Faster.
I'm scared!
-And… -This makes me claustrophobic.
Ta-da!
-Amsterdam? -Yeah.
Oh, it's a cultural trip without strippers! I love it.
Wait, let's not rule it out.
Poppies, tulips, bike rides.
-The Van Gogh museum. -Let's go. Give me your IDs.
-The flight is closed. -What?
But we're on time, aren't we?
The flight's overbooked. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Excuse me, I think that's illegal.
Wait, wait. Wait a minute.
Please understand, miss, it's important that we get to go.
-Yeah. -This girl's getting married, you see?
-Mm-hmm. -We're doing her hen party together.
All of us got up at three so we could be here on time.
-Exactly. -You're serious?
Well, almost all of us were.
Well, not on this flight.
Miss, I'm a writer, and I'm going to tell everybody about this.
In your next novel?
No, of course, and I'm going to file a complaint, because, come on…
I understand. You can file your complaint at that office.
Unfortunately, it's closed,
but you can also do it through our website.
Such bullshit.
-We were looking forward to it. -Yeah, how sad.
-Yeah, we were. -It's true.
-You know what? -What?
No more talk.
-Excuse me, what's the next flight? -What?
I've already asked for a holiday.
And we're all looking forward to it, aren't we?
-So much. -Yeah, sure.
-Sure. -Well, that's that.
The destination isn't as important as being together.
-Well, I don't think we-- -I know.
This is exactly the kind of adventure you love.
-Okay, what's the next flight? -The what?
It's raining.
Welcome to Asturias.
Ladies, this is going to be great.
We're going to eat cachopo, drink cider, and avoid fabes, hmm?
Puxa-- Aah.
-Puxa Asturias. -Puxa.
Oh! Taxi!
Thanks. Be careful with the hat, okay? Hey! Girls! Come on.
Even before I came out, I didn't fake it this much.
I need to cry wherever I can. Do I have time to go to the bathroom?
Girls, it's our best friend's hen party.
-We'll book a great hotel in Oviedo. -Are you coming?
-Go to the spa. -Yeah.
We're just going to relax a little bit.
-Puxa. -Puxa, puxa, puxa…
Yes, they're with me.
-Girls, you're so slow. -What do you mean, slow?
Adventure awaits!
What?
What do you mean, the road to Oviedo is closed off?
Haven't you seen the news about the road with all the sofas?
-Yes. -What?
They're still clearing debris.
All the roadwork is cutting off the airport road.
And to Gijón?
Sure. Unless you fly over the bridge.
-What? -I'm sure there's somewhere we can go.
You know, we've been taking all of the other arriving passengers
to this little town that's just next to the airport.
-Ugh. -It has the only hotel in the area.
Mmm…
-Let's go? -Mm-hmm.
-No problem. -Yeah, okay.
Well, it's a big hotel.
Isn't it? Yeah?
-Mm. -Fantastic, huh?
-At least it stopped raining. -The sun'll come out.
It'll start raining again any minute.
This humidity is terrible for my hair.
What do you mean, a cabin?
Be thankful that you have a roof. My hotel is completely booked.
All the people from the airport came here.
But do you have a spa?
That's very funny.
The cabin is for two people, but I've already put in two other beds.
-So it'll be a tight fit with four. -Cool, very close. Not so bad, right?
I'm sure there are plenty of activities in the area.
There's a playground.
You are really making it difficult for us to remain positive.
Hmm.
See you later.
I'm sorry. How much time exactly did you say the road has been closed?
They're a historical association. They get together to do period events.
They were doing it in Oviedo, but now it's here because everybody's stuck.
Excuse me. We leave you the key to our bedchamber.
Thank you.
They're very serious about being fully immersive.
-Yeah, I can see that. -All right.
This one is yours.
Hey. What's up?
The air's really cold.
I'm trying to get the refund for our hotel in Amsterdam.
I'm looking for the only thing that can make this better. Alcohol.
Hey, girls, I know this is not what you were planning on us doing,
but I wanted to thank you all for being here.
Mm-hmm.
As it doesn't matter.
-Hm. -There's no alcohol.
And frankly, I think that this is the perfect time
to tell you that I hate you
You're really fucking awful.
-Hmm. -And we love you, beautiful.
Okay, no, wait. What the hell is going on?
Silly me for thinking you were excited to be doing this,
but ever since we got on the flight, you've all been acting like total bitches.
A walk, perhaps?
Let's start by saying I was really looking forward to your trip, but right now, well…
-I'm not at my best right now. -True.
I have to admit that I didn't feel much like coming either.
It's just that I've been feeling strange for the past few days. Like, down.
-Oh, really? -Why didn't you say anything?
-I didn't feel like doing this either. -What?
No, I mean, not that, but I've got a lot of work to do, my hand is burnt…
I don't know, I kept thinking you all wanted to come.
-That's why I tried to keep the spirit up. -Yeah.
-And you, huh? Don't play dumb with us. -Me?
Yeah. Yeah, you. What's wrong?
Nothing. I told you.
-I'm stressed out-- -There's always stress. What's the matter?
It's not fair that you're getting married, but you don't care about your wedding.
-I'm sure she didn't wanna-- -I said it.
Or yeah?
I've dreamed about my wedding since I was young.
About my dress, about the banquet, the venue--
You're doing it, but you don't want it.
You don't have the time. "I want it simple, small."
-You're not doing cocktails. -You have to have cocktail hour.
-That's where us single women hang out. -Sure.
Hold on. Getting angry with your friend
because she wants to have her own wedding is a bit "whoo."
-That's why I didn't wanna say anything. -Just a minute.
I am really looking forward to my wedding.
My wedding. Just the way I like it.
Yeah. All right. It's not your wedding that's the problem, Carmen.
Then what is it?
You know, I just can't figure out having a stable partner.
Maybe you just haven't found the right person.
-I'm sure when you least expect it… -One more cliché, and I'll barf, okay?
I don't wanna have one girl after another. I want a wife.
I want a house. I want children. I want a dog and more children.
-I wanna go on a trip with my in-laws-- -It's the end of the road.
-Don't exaggerate. I want my dream-- -Uh, no.
If you want, we can go off the cliff and check.
-It's beautiful. -Yeah.
Beautiful.
You're gonna think I'm silly, but
I think I've lost my mojo.
-Don't be stupid. -Shut up.
No, I'm being serious. Don't laugh.
Lola!
No, I haven't had sex since Vienna.
-Nada, niente, zero, rien. -Really?
We all have dry spells. That's okay.
-What if Sergio also took that from me? -Your mojo? It's not moist?
No, worse. It's my confidence.
It's just that lately, the only guy who's picked me up is a kid.
What happened?
Nothing. Nothing. What's going to happen? Nothing.
-Though he gave me his phone number. -Oh, well.
-So? Have you called him? -No.
-Why? Hey, if you feel like it, go for it. -Hmm.
It should take a lot more than one shitty little Sergio to steal your confidence.
-Mm-hmm. -I mean, he's a kid,
-Hmm. -But he is gorgeous.
Oh, yeah, huh?
No!
Hey, what about you?
-What? -This is about Víctor's "Wow," isn't it?
-You listen to my voice memos. -Always.
-Mm-hmm. -And now even more, at double speed.
-Mmm. -Let's see, wait a minute.
Maybe that "Wow,"
I don't know, is his way of telling you that he loves you.
The thing is that he put it another way so it isn't such a big deal for him.
Right?
There's something else.
Miladies.
-Oh… -Oof.
-Well, so? -Hmm?
Well, um… there was someone else's bra on his sofa.
Oof.
-That is a "Wow"! No? -Technically he hasn't lied.
We're not a couple, and that's the agreement we made, but…
But I'm an idiot for believing he hasn't slept with other people.
Don't call yourself an idiot. That's not true.
And what did you do?
Uh…
I just left a little note with the bra.
-And… And what did it say? -Nothing.
-Now you have to tell us. -What do you mean, nothing? Tell us.
"Now you'll tell me it belongs to your sister,
you big shit-eating prick."
What a fucking way with words.
-Shit-eating? -I don't know, it came from within me.
From your guts, you would say, because…
Well, girls, that's it. I'm going to get some ciders.
-We'll drink a toast. -Oh!
This may be a shitty hen party, but it's a hen party.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Excuse me. Can I have a cider and four glasses?
-Seriously? -Well, a little, yeah.
-Hello. -Hello, good afternoon.
One tea, please, sir.
Uh, can we stop, please? I mean, can we talk about anything else?
Girls, girls, girls! I've found something better than cider.
Oh.
We definitely have your sizes.
Oh!
This is a disaster. I won't dance at my wedding.
It's so much fun!
Maybe you'll find a girl who's checking you out.
Ooh, scandalous for the time!
-In Madrid, I'll find someone stable. -What if she's your destiny?
In a re-enactment group that dresses in period costumes? I don't think so.
Whoo!
Do you really want a wedding, castle, and babies running around?
Yeah, the whole package.
Oh. Pardon me.
Ah! Oh…
They like to push, right?
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Oh.
I love this so much.
When did we all stop dancing like this and lose all this romanticism?
When they allowed us to vote?
-When they stopped burning us as witches. -No, I mean it.
There was a time when chivalry and manners were important.
It's just we've idealized it.
People did the same thing, only behind people's backs.
From behind?
Ooh. Oh!
Oh!
-Just lovely. -Wonderful.
-Girls! I haven't lost my mojo. -Ooh, mojito.
Bitch, you have been potent as hell this whole time!
I'm hot. Let's get something to drink.
-Okay. -Yes, please. I need to hydrate.
-Hey, this dress is tight in the cleavage. -Yes.
-It's hurting me. -Fashion has no compassion.
-Um. Mmm. Val. -Mmm?
You know Víctor will never be like those guys in Bridgerton,
and he'll probably never tell you what you wanna hear?
Mm-hmm.
It's just that we know what we're attracted to,
and when we see a guy show up with everything that pulls up our shit,
our crotches go wild and start clapping like we're at the Sevilla Fair.
Do you think I should move on like it's nothing
and forget about the bra?
-I'd do that. -Yeah?
Because I don't care, and that's who I am.
But you're Val.
And who's to say?
There could be some secret purpose in finding that bra
that you just haven't figured out yet.
Yeah, of course, because that's how the universe works, right?
The road has been almost completely filled with sofas.
Sofa.
Thanks a lot.
RECIPIENT SIGNATURE: BRUNO AGUILAR filled with sofas.