1 00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:03,629 ♪ This little light of mine ♪ 2 00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:05,714 ♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪ 3 00:00:05,756 --> 00:00:08,175 ♪ Let it shine, let it shine ♪ 4 00:00:08,216 --> 00:00:09,802 ♪ Let it shine ♪ 5 00:00:12,011 --> 00:00:14,515 ♪ Everywhere I go ♪ 6 00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:16,809 ♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪ 7 00:00:16,851 --> 00:00:19,102 ♪ Everywhere I go ♪ 8 00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:20,980 ♪ I'm gonna let it shine... ♪ 9 00:00:21,062 --> 00:00:24,232 Well, I am happy to report that my potato salad 10 00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:27,026 is once again the hit of the potluck. 11 00:00:27,068 --> 00:00:28,821 That's great, honey. I feel bad 12 00:00:28,863 --> 00:00:30,531 for Pam Staples. 13 00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:32,867 No one's touching her potato salad. 14 00:00:32,908 --> 00:00:35,786 If you feel bad, then why are you smiling? 15 00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:38,539 'Cause sometimes your mommy's a big ol' hypocrite. 16 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:39,915 (chuckles) 17 00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:41,583 Howdy, Coopers! How we doing today? 18 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:43,335 Pastor Jeff. Thank you, Pastor Jeff. 19 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,044 Y'all remember my wife Selena. 20 00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:46,338 MEEMAW: Hi, Selena. Oh, yeah. 21 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:47,756 ¿Qué tal? 22 00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:48,966 You're married to her? 23 00:00:49,008 --> 00:00:50,926 Why, yes, I am. 24 00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:53,679 (quietly): You can think it-- you don't need to say it. 25 00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:55,305 How are you liking Medford, Selena? 26 00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:58,099 (bad Spanish accent): ¿Cómo te gusta Medford? 27 00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:03,605 She likes it fine. 28 00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:06,066 Oh. 29 00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:09,069 (grunts) She needs to use the little girls' room. 30 00:01:09,110 --> 00:01:10,779 Mary, could I talk to you for a second? 31 00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:12,280 Sure. 32 00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:14,575 Don't worry. I'll bring her right back. 33 00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:16,451 Wasn't worried, but okay. 34 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:18,370 Okay. 35 00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,288 His Spanish is terrible. 36 00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:22,082 That's not what she said at all. 37 00:01:22,123 --> 00:01:23,417 Oh. 38 00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:25,627 I don't know if you've heard, 39 00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:27,254 but our church secretary, 40 00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:29,297 Elizabeth Sohinki, is currently seeking treatment 41 00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:31,633 for a little problem with-- shall we say-- 42 00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:33,343 under-the-counter medications. 43 00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:35,345 Oh. So that rumor's true. 44 00:01:35,387 --> 00:01:36,555 Mm-hmm. Well, she did 45 00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,599 always seem extremely alert. 46 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,601 Alert, shaky, sweaty. Anyway, 47 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:42,978 we need someone to step in and fill the position. 48 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:44,980 I was wondering if you might consider it. 49 00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,900 It's not just bookkeeping. 50 00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:50,778 I'd be in charge of handling the maintenance issues-- you know, 51 00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,780 plumbing, electric, what have you. 52 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:55,699 And I'd also head the planning committee 53 00:01:55,741 --> 00:01:57,409 for all the social events, 54 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,953 which, of course, includes the big three: 55 00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:01,246 baptisms, weddings, funerals. 56 00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:04,541 And here is the cherry on top. 57 00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:08,378 The sign in front of the church with all the clever sayings... 58 00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:10,213 "Be an organ donor, give your heart to Jesus"? 59 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:11,673 Exactly. 60 00:02:11,715 --> 00:02:13,550 Guess whose job it would be to write those. 61 00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:15,052 Yours. 62 00:02:15,094 --> 00:02:17,096 Already working on a couple. 63 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:18,513 Listen to this. 64 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:21,182 (excited chuckling) 65 00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:26,187 "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1." 66 00:02:27,188 --> 00:02:28,607 What? 67 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:31,026 You know, be one. 68 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,527 Like be a Christian. 69 00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:34,613 And also B1 the vitamin. 70 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,449 Well, now that you explained it, it's funny. 71 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,076 Yeah. Might be a thinker. 72 00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:41,787 But there's a lot more where that came from. 73 00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:44,748 What about the twins? 74 00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:47,459 Well, I'll still get 'em off to school every day. 75 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,128 And when they get home, 76 00:02:49,168 --> 00:02:51,880 Mom can keep an eye on 'em till I get back. 77 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,590 Think she'll go for it? 78 00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,884 Are you kidding? She loves 'em like crazy. 79 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,136 Fat chance. 80 00:02:57,176 --> 00:02:58,887 Oh, come on. 81 00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:01,932 You come on. I'm in the prime of my life. 82 00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:05,144 I got my water aerobics and my salsa dancing 83 00:03:05,184 --> 00:03:06,645 and my bowling league. 84 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,396 But you love your grandchildren. 85 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:11,025 I love ice cream, too, but I don't want to eat it 86 00:03:11,066 --> 00:03:13,234 from 3:00 to 6:00 five days a week. 87 00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:15,070 Well, I'm very disappointed. 88 00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:16,655 And I'm fine with that. 89 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,239 Why don't you just get a babysitter? 90 00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:20,617 Kinda defeats the purpose of making extra money. 91 00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:21,994 Oh, yeah, right. 92 00:03:22,036 --> 00:03:23,453 All right, let's think about it. 93 00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:24,746 Georgie. 94 00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:26,581 Football practice. 95 00:03:26,623 --> 00:03:28,625 And I don't trust him when I'm home. Oh. 96 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:31,294 Okay, now, what are we talking about here? 97 00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:34,673 Sheldon is intelligent and responsible, 98 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:38,259 and Missy... is his sister. 99 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:40,137 I think they'll be fine home alone 100 00:03:40,179 --> 00:03:42,514 all by themselves for a couple hours after school. 101 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,641 You think? I do. 102 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:47,102 As a matter of fact, I actually think it'll be great for them. 103 00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:49,021 These kids today are so coddled, 104 00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:50,856 I honestly think y'all are raising 105 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,358 a whole generation of sissies. 106 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,319 Is that the way you speak about your grandchildren? 107 00:03:56,361 --> 00:04:00,115 Yes. 108 00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:03,243 ♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪ 109 00:04:03,284 --> 00:04:06,038 ♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪ 110 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:08,665 ♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪ 111 00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,834 ♪ I am a mighty little man ♪ 112 00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:15,380 ♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪ 113 00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:20,719 (door closes) 114 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,221 Hi. 115 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,347 How'd it go with your mom? 116 00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:25,891 She's not interested in watching 'em. 117 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,768 Doesn't want to give up her afternoons. 118 00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:30,604 Of course. Sorry. 119 00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:34,399 You know what, it's okay. 120 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:35,859 The timing wasn't right. 121 00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:37,945 Maybe when the kids are older. 122 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:41,115 Okay. 123 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,953 (sighs) I guess I'll go get dinner started. 124 00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:57,547 How about this? 125 00:04:57,589 --> 00:05:00,008 Go ahead and take the job. 126 00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:01,676 Yeah, if it turns out 127 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,220 Sheldon and Missy can't look out for themselves 128 00:05:03,262 --> 00:05:05,222 for a couple hours after school, 129 00:05:05,264 --> 00:05:08,183 then... well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 130 00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:09,643 Are you sure about this? 131 00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:11,394 Yeah. Actually, probably good for 'em. 132 00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,563 Teach 'em a little responsibility. 133 00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:15,941 That's exactly what my mom said. 134 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,776 Really? 135 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,360 Well, I still like the idea. 136 00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:22,197 Mmm. 137 00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:26,118 MARY: Thank you, God, for this food 138 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,869 we're about to receive, and for the nourishment 139 00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:30,455 of our bodies, and bless the hands that prepared it. 140 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:33,250 ALL: Amen. 141 00:05:33,292 --> 00:05:34,626 So, kids, 142 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:37,045 we have a little family business to discuss. 143 00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:38,630 You're pregnant? No. 144 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,757 We're getting a puppy? No. 145 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:42,759 I'm not sure I care. 146 00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:45,637 Starting next Monday, I'm gonna take 147 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,639 a full-time job at the church. 148 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:50,684 Well, who's going to take care of us? 149 00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:52,978 Well, nothing will change in the morning-- I'll make breakfast, 150 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,980 take you both to school. Then, after school, 151 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,940 you'll come home, do your homework, 152 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:58,566 watch TV, play with your toys 153 00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:00,777 till I come home around 6:00. 154 00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:03,197 Well, why can't Meemaw take care of us? 155 00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:05,782 'Cause she's not the person you think she is. George... 156 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,784 You're really gonna leave these two alone? 157 00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:08,869 Yes. 158 00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:11,663 That's a brave choice. 159 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,498 Look, this job is important to your mother. 160 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,876 We expect you both to step up and be responsible. 161 00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:17,627 I can do that. 162 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,129 Missy? 163 00:06:19,171 --> 00:06:21,506 I'm thinking about it. 164 00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:24,176 Very brave. 165 00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:34,186 Okay, let's go over it one more time. 166 00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:37,356 House key's under the plastic owl by the front door. 167 00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:40,317 There's after-school snacks in the fridge. 168 00:06:40,359 --> 00:06:43,195 One for each of you. 169 00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:46,365 Emergency numbers are right there by the phone. 170 00:06:46,405 --> 00:06:48,407 First aid kit is in the hall closet. 171 00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:50,869 (sighs) And you won't be needing it, 172 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:54,373 but under the kitchen sink is a fire extinguisher. 173 00:06:54,413 --> 00:06:56,291 Ooh, that looks fun. 174 00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:59,711 For fires only, and don't be starting one just to use it. 175 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,756 (whispering): It's like she can read my mind. 176 00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:04,091 SHELDON: Don't worry, Mom. 177 00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:05,675 We'll make you proud. 178 00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:07,844 I know you will, baby. 179 00:07:07,886 --> 00:07:09,096 All set for your first day? 180 00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:10,680 I believe I am. Mm. 181 00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:11,973 Mwah. Mwah. 182 00:07:12,015 --> 00:07:12,933 Go get 'em. 183 00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:15,185 Thanks for waking me up. 184 00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:17,520 I woke you up 40 minutes ago. 185 00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:20,023 Well, you didn't do a very good job. 186 00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,442 Bye, y'all. 187 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,112 (groans) 188 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,238 (door closes) 189 00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:31,618 Okay, yeah. Yeah. 190 00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:33,203 Okay, later. 191 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,416 Sorry to bother you, Peg, is Pastor Jeff available? 192 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:40,419 Jeff! You available?! 193 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,544 JEFF: On the phone. 194 00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,671 He's on the phone. 195 00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:47,008 (coughing) 196 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:50,762 (wheezes, coughs) 197 00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:57,518 You know, my mother's had some luck cutting back on the smoking 198 00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:58,812 by chewing that nicotine gum. 199 00:07:58,853 --> 00:08:02,316 Got some right here. 200 00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:03,817 So you do. (chuckles) 201 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:04,859 JEFF: Come on in. 202 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,236 Go on, you heard him. 203 00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:07,237 (coughing) 204 00:08:07,279 --> 00:08:09,781 Thank you. 205 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,199 Hey, hey. 206 00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:13,618 Hey, Mare. 207 00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,245 Uh, you finding everything you need? 208 00:08:15,287 --> 00:08:16,788 Oh, you bet. 209 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,666 So, I've been going over the books, 210 00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:22,085 and I think we have enough money in our budget 211 00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:24,421 to purchase a personal computer 212 00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:26,381 to handle all the church business. 213 00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,591 Okay. (chuckles) 214 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,385 Well, uh, why don't you leave the paperwork here, 215 00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:31,552 and I'll-I'll take a look at it. 216 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:32,511 Of course. 217 00:08:32,553 --> 00:08:34,722 That's for your perusal. 218 00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:36,183 (chuckles) 219 00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:39,936 Everything okay? 220 00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:41,688 What? 221 00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:43,564 Yeah. Right as rain. 222 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:44,649 All righty. 223 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,901 Hey, if you have a minute, 224 00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:49,737 I would love to talk to you about the sign out front. 225 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:51,948 Yeah, sure. 226 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,545 So far so good. 227 00:09:25,564 --> 00:09:27,567 SHELDON: Hello? 228 00:09:27,608 --> 00:09:29,777 Anybody? 229 00:09:32,406 --> 00:09:34,615 They weren't kidding. 230 00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:42,832 Maybe I'll just have one little peek. 231 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:47,212 How come you're not eating your snack? 232 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:51,341 I prefer my snack to be a reward for homework well done. 233 00:09:51,383 --> 00:09:53,676 You're like an old person. 234 00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:55,512 Thank you. 235 00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:05,939 What's your homework? 236 00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,148 Non-Euclidean geometry. 237 00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:08,358 How about you? 238 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,902 "Symonyms." 239 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,779 You mean synonyms. 240 00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:15,156 I'm pretty sure she said "symonyms." 241 00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:19,536 Did you see that? 242 00:10:19,578 --> 00:10:21,580 Someone's out there. 243 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,916 Oh, no. They're in the backyard. 244 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,418 What do we do? 245 00:10:28,503 --> 00:10:29,963 Aah! 246 00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:32,715 (all screaming) 247 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:46,187 Would one of you please get me a towel? 248 00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:53,487 Why were you sneaking around out there? 249 00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:55,071 Yeah, you scared us. 250 00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:57,407 I was checking up on you two. 251 00:10:57,449 --> 00:11:00,452 And in case you're wondering, you scared me back. 252 00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:02,162 Well, why didn't you knock? 253 00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:05,790 Because you two are supposed to be doing this on your own. 254 00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:07,792 And you don't think we can. 255 00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:08,876 Of course I do. 256 00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,504 I'm the one who told your mother 257 00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:12,380 that you were fine by yourselves in the first place. 258 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,715 Then why were you checking up on us? 259 00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:16,968 That's called being two-faced. 260 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,345 We'll be okay on our own. 261 00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:20,305 Yeah, we need to prove we can do this. 262 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,557 All right. 263 00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,683 I respect that. 264 00:11:24,725 --> 00:11:29,356 And I'm happy to keep this little incident a secret. 265 00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:31,107 Really? I'm telling everyone. 266 00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:33,151 It was hilarious. 267 00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:36,279 I'm going bowling. 268 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:39,032 (door opens, closes) 269 00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:41,826 When we first started dating, everything was wonderful. 270 00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,870 That's when it is wonderful. 271 00:11:43,911 --> 00:11:46,164 All the problems started once we got married. 272 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,625 Well, marriage will do that to a relationship. 273 00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,460 I-I got Selena a credit card 274 00:11:50,502 --> 00:11:53,213 to make small purchases for the house. 275 00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:56,299 You know... (stammers) ...coffee maker, DustBuster. 276 00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,884 You know what she did? 277 00:11:57,925 --> 00:11:59,678 She went to that Sharper Image store 278 00:11:59,718 --> 00:12:01,304 and she bought a massage chair. 279 00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,515 Oh, I sat in one of those at the mall. 280 00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:04,641 It was terrific. 281 00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:05,975 It's $2,000. 282 00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:09,396 Oh. Well, seeing as I know how much you make, 283 00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:10,647 you can't afford that. 284 00:12:10,689 --> 00:12:13,191 I... uh-uh. 285 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,235 ADULT SHELDON: Of all the afflictions 286 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:18,697 that can befall a child, one reigns supreme. 287 00:12:18,737 --> 00:12:21,824 Beyond scraped knees and paper cuts, 288 00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:26,329 nothing strikes fear into the hearts of kids around the world 289 00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:28,415 like a splinter. 290 00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:32,960 (distorted): No! 291 00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:36,005 Tell me why you were pretending to have amnesia. 292 00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:37,716 I've got a splinter! 293 00:12:37,756 --> 00:12:39,342 So? 294 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:40,510 So, it's an emergency! 295 00:12:40,552 --> 00:12:41,595 Call Meemaw! 296 00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,137 Oh, calm down. 297 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,265 We can take care of this. No, we can't! 298 00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:48,101 Sheldon, if we can't handle a little splinter, 299 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,311 they're never gonna leave us alone again. 300 00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:52,313 You're right. 301 00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:53,607 So, what do we do? 302 00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:55,483 Let me see it. 303 00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:00,614 Oh, boy. That's a deep one. 304 00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:03,074 Hey, it's throbbing really bad. 305 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,992 Mom would take it out with tweezers. 306 00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:07,203 Well, where would we find tweezers? 307 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:08,913 Let's see what we got. 308 00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:10,039 Band-Aids... 309 00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,041 cotton balls. 310 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,918 What's "gowz"? 311 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,170 It's gauze, and the fact that you don't know that 312 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,005 is not filling me with hope. 313 00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,635 Where would Mom keep the tweezers? 314 00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:24,220 Sometimes she uses a needle on splinters. No. 315 00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:26,805 No needles. Anything but needles. 316 00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:29,643 Wait, she has tweezers in her makeup bag. 317 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:31,478 She plucks her eyebrows with them. 318 00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:34,105 And sometimes her mustache. 319 00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:41,279 Anything? 320 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:42,489 Nope. 321 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,115 Wait. 322 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:45,866 Maybe they're in her room. 323 00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:48,202 We're not allowed to go in Mom and Dad's room. 324 00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:50,664 Want me to get the needle? 325 00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:54,751 (whispering): Let's make this quick. 326 00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:56,461 Why are you whispering? 327 00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,963 That's how people speak when they're being naughty. 328 00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:00,006 I wouldn't know. 329 00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:01,882 I'm naughty all the time. 330 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:11,726 You're really not coming in? 331 00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:14,061 No. But you're doing great. 332 00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:19,192 (sighs) 333 00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,068 What's wrong? 334 00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:23,112 This really is naughty. 335 00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:24,905 I told you. 336 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:30,953 I don't see anything. 337 00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:32,622 There's just a Bible and a flashlight. 338 00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:33,872 (phone ringing) (screams) 339 00:14:33,914 --> 00:14:35,124 (screams) 340 00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:36,459 What do I do? 341 00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,837 Answer it but sound calm. 342 00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:43,341 Hello. 343 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:44,467 Hey, it's Dad. 344 00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:45,593 How you guys doing? 345 00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:46,803 We're great. 346 00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:48,095 Glad to hear it. 347 00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:49,347 I'm watching TV, 348 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,307 and Sheldon's reading quietly. 349 00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:52,600 (sighs) 350 00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:53,976 I knew you could handle this. 351 00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:55,520 I'm proud of you. You know what? 352 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,313 I'm proud of us, too. 353 00:14:57,355 --> 00:14:59,065 Uh... (chuckling): Okay, baby doll, 354 00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:00,358 I'll be home in a couple hours. 355 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,402 Stay out all night. We got this. 356 00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:04,987 Wha... Love you, too. 357 00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,198 (chuckles softly) 358 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,825 That was intense. 359 00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:11,786 I don't think I'm cut out for this latchkey life. 360 00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:13,413 (phone ringing) (both scream) 361 00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:15,164 You answer it this time. 362 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,500 I can't; I'm supposed to be reading quietly. 363 00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:18,959 Answer it, Sheldon. 364 00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:21,713 Well, I'm not going in there. 365 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:24,006 Hello. Cooper residence. 366 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:25,550 Sheldon speaking. 367 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:26,885 Hey, Shelly. 368 00:15:26,925 --> 00:15:28,094 Oh, hello, Mom. 369 00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:29,804 How's your day going? 370 00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:34,934 Shelly? 371 00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:38,396 Shelly? Shelly? You there? 372 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,231 Yes, I'm here. 373 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,940 She wants to know how my day's going. 374 00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:43,192 Say it's going good. 375 00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:44,318 I can't say that. 376 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:45,570 Why not? 377 00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:46,863 It's bad grammar. 378 00:15:46,905 --> 00:15:48,030 How are you supposed to say it? 379 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:49,365 "It's going well." 380 00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:50,450 Oh, that's nice. 381 00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:52,326 I've got to get back to work, 382 00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:56,163 but I love you and miss you very much. 383 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:57,874 Okay. 384 00:15:57,916 --> 00:16:01,043 I handled that really well. 385 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,211 (dial tone) 386 00:16:02,253 --> 00:16:04,046 (knocking on door) 387 00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:05,214 Got a minute? 388 00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:07,133 Sure, come on in. 389 00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:09,385 I just wanted to apologize. 390 00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:12,764 I-It was wrong of me to unload my personal business on you. 391 00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:14,641 Here it is, your first day and all. 392 00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:15,683 Oh, that's fine. 393 00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:17,393 Always happy to lend an ear. 394 00:16:17,435 --> 00:16:19,186 Great, 'cause I didn't tell you everything. 395 00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:21,898 Really? 'Cause you told me a lot. 396 00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,691 This morning, while Selena was in the shower, 397 00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:26,068 I went through her purse and I took the credit card. 398 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:27,987 Oh, my. Now, 399 00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:30,865 do you think that's stealing, or is it doing the right thing? 400 00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:33,701 You know, saving us from bankruptcy and whatnot? 401 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:37,455 Wow. Um, yeah, that's complicated. 402 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:40,583 Um... going through her purse-- probably wrong, 403 00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:43,586 but on the other hand... 404 00:16:43,628 --> 00:16:45,003 ...well, there is no other hand. 405 00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:46,840 You can't be doing things like that 406 00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:48,132 and have a healthy marriage. 407 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:49,509 Why don't you just talk to her? 408 00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:51,427 Explain your financial situation? 409 00:16:51,469 --> 00:16:53,554 That... 410 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,475 Oh, we're closing the door now, okay. 411 00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,645 That's not so easy. 412 00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:02,897 Because of the language barrier? 413 00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,942 That, and I implied, when we were dating, 414 00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:09,069 that I was... well-to-do. 415 00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:12,114 Oh, Pastor Jeff, why would you do that? 416 00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:13,616 You saw her. 417 00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:14,951 Uh, she is the kind of woman 418 00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:17,954 that can make a man do bad things. 419 00:17:17,996 --> 00:17:23,083 Well, I... I don't know what to say to that. 420 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,295 (exhales) Maybe you ought to pray on it. 421 00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:27,964 You're right. 422 00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:29,423 You're absolutely right. 423 00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:30,758 (chuckles softly) 424 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:31,926 I'll do that now. 425 00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:33,135 I'll do the same. 426 00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:34,303 Thank you. 427 00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:36,764 (door opens) 428 00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:42,770 God, please give me the strength 429 00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:45,189 to not spread this juicy gossip about Pastor Jeff. 430 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,066 (quietly): Amen. 431 00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:48,526 (sighs) 432 00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,945 What are you doing? 433 00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:53,322 I'm reading quietly, so I don't have to lie about it later. 434 00:17:53,364 --> 00:17:54,949 (gasps) 435 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,116 Found 'em. 436 00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,702 The tweezers? 437 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,954 Mom's needles and her magnifying glass. 438 00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:01,497 Absolutely not. 439 00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:03,165 Let me at least try. 440 00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:04,208 No. 441 00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:05,877 You're being a baby. 442 00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:08,254 Nothing you can say will change my mind. 443 00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:10,006 What if it gets infected and turns green 444 00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:12,633 and they have to cut it off? 445 00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:16,054 I think it's numb. 446 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,137 Great, put your hand out. 447 00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:22,435 Wait, how do you plan on sterilizing the needle? 448 00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,729 Mom uses a lit match. 449 00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,731 We're not allowed to play with matches. 450 00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,148 What else would work? 451 00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:30,150 Alcohol. 452 00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:39,994 Stick your finger in there. 453 00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:41,161 I'll do the needle. 454 00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:44,123 Okay. I hope I don't get drunk. 455 00:18:44,164 --> 00:18:45,499 How long till you're sterile? 456 00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:46,876 I don't know, 457 00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:48,419 but I'm getting lightheaded. 458 00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:54,341 No matter what happens, hold still. 459 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:03,768 I can't do it. 460 00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:05,561 Yes, you can. No, I can't. 461 00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:06,854 Just let me get it. 462 00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:08,606 What if you slip and stab me in the eye? 463 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,108 I'm not gonna slip. 464 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,110 Who always wins when we play... 465 00:19:12,150 --> 00:19:14,112 (gasps) Be right back. 466 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:21,619 ADULT SHELDON: In 1989 the Milton Bradley Company 467 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:25,498 had dozens of board games on the market, 468 00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:30,753 but only one where you were the doctor. 469 00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:35,424 Operation came complete 470 00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:37,259 with a red light-up nose, 471 00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:40,596 13 plastic body parts for players to remove 472 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:45,559 and, most importantly, one pair of genuine tweezers. 473 00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:54,527 My sister performed a medical procedure using 474 00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,612 a children's board game, 475 00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:59,615 while I bravely sat very still. 476 00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:10,710 (exhales) 477 00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:15,255 I guess you could say there were two heroes that day. 478 00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:22,346 Gee, how do you suppose that happened? 479 00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:25,141 Hello? MISSY: In here. 480 00:20:25,183 --> 00:20:28,226 Why does the kitchen smell like whiskey? 481 00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:30,354 Ask her. 482 00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,106 Oh, dear Lord! 483 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:36,318 Wait till you hear what I did to Meemaw. 484 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:39,613 Our show came at number one. 485 00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:40,781 I did it! I did it! ber one.