ADULT SHELDON: On any given day,
our school gymnasium
presented a cocktail of horrors.
(screams)
From daily humiliation...
...to school-sanctioned violence...
BOY: Oh!
But one day a year, the gymnasium was transformed
into a haven of learning
thanks to a remarkable institution
known as the science fair.
A chance for the student body to come together
in the name of research and progress.
Uh, while some did the bare minimum...
(burps)
...and others preferred razzamatazz over raw data,
I set out to save humanity from deadly asteroids.
And made it all neatly fit on three poster boards.
The science fair may be a competition,
but when the goal is promoting knowledge, we're all winners.
PETERSEN: And the winner
of the Medford High School Science Fair is...
SueAnn Ludlow!
You've got to be kidding me!
Shelly.
(applause)
You people are crazy!
Hey. All right.
SHELDON: You're celebrating mediocrity!
(mouths)
Mediocrity!
♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪
♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪
♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪
♪ I am a mighty little man ♪
♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪
I'll be in my room.
Oh, come on, Shelly.
You still got an honorable mention.
Stop reminding me.
(sighs)
I hate to see him so upset.
Well, give him a little time, he'll calm down.
(door slams)
SHELDON: Fiddle-faddle!
The F word.
He's real mad.
You don't always win in life, he needs to learn that.
I know, but these are big feelings for a little boy.
They're feelings everybody has.
It's part of growing up.
I guess.
SHELDON: Poodle poop!
MEEMAW: Okay.
Somebody's got to teach
this kid to swear, it's embarrassing.
Sheldon, listen,
I know losing ain't easy.
I deal with it on the football field all the time.
(chuckles)
It's like that big game we had last year against Nacogdoches.
We were down 28 points at the half.
It was raining, it was muddy.
Everybody in the stands had gone home.
But somehow, we managed to claw our way back
to a tie with a minute left.
And then, they threw a Hail Mary,
and the receiver stepped out of bounds,
but the ref didn't see it.
After all that, we lose on a bad call.
Believe me, I was furious.
But I sucked it up,
and I walked across that field and I shook their hands.
I didn't hear a word you said.
Okay.
So while an animal cell has a membrane,
a plant cell has a membrane and a cell wall.
SHELDON: Who cares?
Sheldon, what are you doing?
Being disrespectful, sir.
Ah. How come?
Because I'm disillusioned with the school system.
Georgie, do you know what's going on with him?
Actually, I'm trying to ignore it.
Well, get your feet off the desk.
What if I don't?
I was sent to see Principal Petersen.
What is it this time?
Youthful rebellion.
My voice hasn't changed yet, but my attitude has.
I'll let him know you're here.
You do that.
Ma'am.
(door closes)
Sheldon Cooper's outside.
Who sent him now?
Givens. Well, you know what?
Givens needs to man up.
Cooper's a little boy.
It's not hard to handle him.
I'll send him in.
H-Hold on a minute, just...
Does he know I'm in here?
SHELDON (over P.A.): Attention, students and faculty.
Oh, no.
This is Sheldon Lee Cooper.
What the hell?
We're taught that hard work pays off, but that's not true.
I came up with a solution to save Earth
from killer asteroids,
and lost the science fair
to SueAnn Ludlow, and her frizzy hair machine.
But it wasn't just me who lost, we all lost.
Wake up, people.
The system's broken.
Real innovation isn't valued.
Nowadays, it's all about flash and style.
I blame MTV.
Luckily, my parents can't afford cable.
We can afford it.
I urge you all to rise up.
(grunts)
They can't send everyone
to the principal's office.
Chew gum in class,
use a number one pencil,
go nuts.
This is Sheldon Lee Cooper signing off.
Live long and prosper.
You better run, you little punk!
(grunting)
MEEMAW: I can't believe you sent him to bed without his dinner.
That's right.
On spaghetti and hot dog night.
That's rough. He's got to learn.
Let's talk about something else.
Georgie, how was your day?
My brother told the entire school we can't afford cable.
Oh, right. Missy?
Good, until I learned we can't afford cable.
(sighs)
I've been thinking, and there's something I'd like to say.
Unless it's an apology, I don't want to hear it.
I'm quitting science.
Not an apology.
Spank him, Dad.
I'm really getting worried about Shelly.
Acting out, and now quitting science?
Oh, I'm sure he'll get right back to it.
I've quit smoking and gambling plenty of times.
Hmm. Look in my purse.
Nothing but cigarettes and scratchers. (laughs)
(sighs) Maybe he should talk to somebody.
Not it.
I meant a professional, George.
But way to be a dad.
(door opens)
Hey. (chuckles)
Welcome back.
Thank you for seeing us on such short notice, Doctor.
Oh, not a problem.
Sheldon,
I remember you.
Do you remember me?
I remember everything.
Okay.
Uh, you two, make yourselves comfortable.
Me and my main man Sheldon are gonna go
have a little chitchat in my office.
I don't like chitchat, and I'm not your main man.
Right on.
Have fun.
(door closes)
Now, Sheldon, I understand you've changed your mind
about being a scientist.
And you're gonna say I can't?
No. I think that's great.
You do? Yeah.
I think it's important to keep your options open.
Let me tell you a little story
about an extremely smart young boy.
Me?
Me.
For the longest time,
I thought I was gonna be
a professional figure skater.
And then you became disenchanted with the field like I did?
Exactly.
Someone skated right over my foot.
And that was that.
I'm not sure that's the same thing.
I'd say you lost your passion the way I lost my big toe.
Hmm.
Don't draw in that.
Hey. We're all done.
How'd it go? Great.
I feel a lot better.
Well, that's just wonderful.
So, you're going back to science?
No. In fact, I'm going as far away from science as possible.
I plan to pursue the arts.
What kind of arts?
I've decided to become an actor.
Of course you have.
Why's he want to study acting?
The doctor encouraged him to try something different.
Maybe he'll learn to act normal.
How about you learn to act nice?
You people don't appreciate my sense of humor. (chuckles)
As long as he starts behaving himself in school,
I don't care what he does.
You know, I actually did a little community theater
back in my 20s.
Is that so?
I had a good part in Oklahoma.
♪ I'm just a girl who can't say no. ♪
Say no to what?
Well...
To, uh, eating her vegetables.
It was fun.
But I'm pretty sure doing plays
is just an excuse to change in front of each other backstage.
Really? Yeah.
Theater folk just love to take their clothes off.
How many people saw you naked?
A lot.
Mom. Enough.
Y'all don't understand
my sense of humor, either.
(indistinct chatter)
Hello. Are you Mr. Lundy?
My father is Mr. Lundy.
Well, then what should I call you?
I guess Mr. Lundy.
My father's dead. (laughs)
I was told you're the head of the drama department.
Mm-hmm, and the girls' volleyball coach,
which, between us, is the real drama department.
Was that a joke?
I thought so.
Can I help you?
I'm interested in becoming an actor.
Well, good for you.
You've come to the right place.
You know, I-I've been a professional actor
for years and years.
Really? What have you been in?
Well, have you seen the mattress madness commercials
on channel 68?
I'm soft and firm
in all the right places.
Wow. You're famous.
Well, I...
And I was Carbucketty
in the Dallas-Fort Worth Players production of Cats.
(purrs)
(laughs) Did you see that?
No, I'm afraid of cats.
Well, you realize the cats are just the actors.
I still wouldn't risk it.
You're an odd boy, but you make it work.
(chuckles)
Anyway, uh, auditions are next week.
You're welcome to come on by. Excellent.
I checked out a book on acting
so I should have the hang of it by then.
Well, I like that confidence.
Thank you. Most people find it off-putting.
I can see that.
ADULT SHELDON: To master acting, I immersed myself
in all forms of the genre, from silent films
to modern classics...
...to logic-defying experimental work.
♪ It's great to stay up late... ♪
Why are they all singing?
(mouth full): Because it's a musical.
But why can't they just say it?
Well, that wouldn't be very musical, would it?
♪ The stars were shining bright... ♪
And where is the music coming from?
You're thinking about it too much.
♪ So, good morning ♪
♪ Good morning... ♪
And how do they all know the same dance?
Come on. Moonpie.
♪ To you and you and you and you. ♪
ANNOUNCER: And it is intercepted.
Walking in is Kevin Smith for the touchdown.
What are you looking for?
A brooch.
What's a brooch?
It's a piece of jewelry.
In my acting book, there's an exercise
where you look for a missing brooch in a convincing way.
Why?
According to the story, it was given to me by a friend
so I could afford to stay in drama school, but now it's gone.
Well, good luck finding it.
Thanks.
Wait.
You really believed I was looking for something.
I did it.
I'm an actor.
You're a freak.
Oh, where the heck is that brooch?
GIRL: If I can change,
and you can change,
everybody can change.
Thank you, Eva.
That was a-a lovely reading from Rocky IV.
All right, Mr. Cooper.
The stage is yours.
Thank you.
I'd like to begin with a monologue from King Lear.
What?
I believe you're supposed to say "break a leg."
Sorry.
Break a leg.
Poor naked wretches, whereso'er you are,
that bide the pelting of this pitiless storm.
How shall your houseless heads and unfed sides,
your looped and windowed raggedness defend you
from seasons such as these?
Oh, I've ta'en too little care of this.
Take physic, pomp.
Expose thyself to feel what wretches feel,
that thou may shake the superflux to them
and show the heavens more just.
Holy mackerel.
♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina ♪
♪ The truth is I never left you ♪
♪ All through my wild days ♪
♪ My mad existence ♪
♪ I kept my promise ♪
♪ Don't keep ♪
♪ Your distance... ♪
("I've Got Rhythm" playing on piano)
♪ I've got daisies ♪
♪ In green pastures ♪
♪ I've got my girl ♪
♪ Who could ask for anything more ♪
♪ Old man trouble ♪
♪ I don't mind him ♪
♪ You won't find him ♪
♪ Hanging 'round my door ♪
♪ I've got starlight ♪
♪ I've got sweet dreams ♪
♪ I've got my star ♪
♪ Who could ask for anything more? ♪
♪ Who could ask for ♪
♪ Anything more? ♪
Ah. (whoops)
That looked dangerous.
No, that looks dangerous.
We're back.
Hey. How'd the audition go?
Great. I got the lead.
You're kidding.
What's the play?
Annie.
I need to go learn my lines.
Now, I was a little unsure at first,
but Sandy Duncan does play Peter Pan,
so when you think about it...
Connie, you're not helping.
Okay.
(sighs)
Hey.
Hello.
(sighs) I want to talk to you about this play.
I'm excited about it, too.
You know, if you play the part of a girl,
people might make fun of you.
Mr. Lundy's trying to push the boundaries
of drama in East Texas.
One way to do that is cross-gender casting.
Let me rephrase that:
if you play the part of a girl,
people will make fun of you.
In Shakespeare's time, the men played all the female parts.
No one made fun of it.
If Shakespeare went to public high school,
it'd be a different story.
You know, Sandy Duncan plays the part of Peter Pan...
Yeah, yeah, I heard.
(exhales)
I'm trying to protect you, son.
I appreciate that.
Good.
You're a football coach.
Isn't it your responsibility
to put in the best player for the job?
I guess.
Well, I want to do this,
and Mr. Lundy said I was the best.
Okay.
Can you at least wear pants instead of a dress?
I'll give you a definite maybe.
Okay, who's excited?
I don't want to see Sheldon's stupid play, it's humiliating.
That's why I want to see it.
We're going to support your brother.
Not another word about it.
Can we at least sit in the back?
Not a word.
Well, I'm excited.
Okay, everybody, ten minutes to curtain.
No smiling, girls, it's a hard knock life.
How you doing, Mr. Cooper?
You in touch with your inner Annie?
I believe so.
Good. It's a packed house.
(laughs)
Wha-- oh, what the heck?
Katie? Katie. You're an orphan,
sweetheart, not a coal miner.
Let's tone that down, hmm?
(indistinct chatter)
(heart beating rapidly)
♪ ♪
Oh, dear.
I can't do this.
What are you talking about?
The play, I can't do it.
There are too many people out there.
Oh, that is just stage fright.
That's completely normal.
No, this is a full-blown panic attack.
All right, listen to me.
You're feeling scared.
I get that, but what you have to understand
is you're not going out on that stage alone.
Everybody, gather around, hmm?
Uh, Sheldon,
have you ever been to the circus?
Yes.
Okay, good.
I had a panic attack there, too.
My point is,
the trapeze artist always performs with a net
to catch him, to protect him.
And you are protected by everyone standing here.
Nothing can happen to you out on that stage,
because we're a team.
We are your net.
I don't know.
(sighs)
Sheldon, come here.
You...
are a star,
and that audience
deserves to see you shine.
(audience applauds)
ADULT SHELDON: Mr. Lundy gave a compelling speech.
The audience did deserve to see what they came for,
an eager boy bravely taking on
the role of Little Orphan Annie.
You're looking for a knuckle sandwich.
And in that respect, they were not disappointed.
Pipe down, all of you.
Go back to sleep.
It's all right, Molly.
Annie's here.
(laughter)
Oh, thank God.
I'd tell you how an East Texas audience
in 1989 responded
to a grown man playing Annie,
but I think you know.
Mm-hmm.
(whispers): What's my line?
♪ The sun come out tomorrow ♪
♪ Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow ♪
♪ There'll be sun ♪
♪ When I'm stuck with a day that's gray ♪
♪ And lonely ♪
♪ I just stick out my chin and grin ♪
♪ And say ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
I think I see his underpants.
I told you.
Theatre folk just love to show off their business.
♪ Always a day away ♪
♪ Tomorrow, tomorrow ♪
♪ I love you, tomorrow ♪
♪ You're always a day ♪
♪ Away. ♪
(microphone feedback) y ♪