1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:03,337 ADULT SHELDON: For most students, the weekend 2 00:00:03,378 --> 00:00:04,922 represented two days of fun, 3 00:00:04,964 --> 00:00:07,424 freedom, and in the case of my brother, 4 00:00:07,466 --> 00:00:10,636 a chance to ignore all forms of hygiene. 5 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,349 (quietly): Come on, come on. 6 00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:17,184 ADULT SHELDON: To me, however, it represented 7 00:00:17,225 --> 00:00:19,394 an unwelcome break from education. 8 00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:22,063 (school bell rings) 9 00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:23,315 (excited chatter) 10 00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:25,442 Whoo! Thank the Lord! 11 00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:28,028 ADULT SHELDON: But this wasn't a typical weekend, 12 00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:30,113 because this was the weekend 13 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:32,199 I got to do my parents' taxes. 14 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,536 Howdy do, W-2. 15 00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:38,580 ♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪ 16 00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:41,500 ♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪ 17 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:44,169 ♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪ 18 00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:47,046 ♪ I am a mighty little man ♪ 19 00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:50,425 ♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪ 20 00:00:56,891 --> 00:00:59,226 "If you were not covered by a retirement plan, 21 00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:03,772 but your spouse was, see the worksheet on page 14." 22 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:06,483 Try and stop me. 23 00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:08,443 Mom, I was going through our expenditures 24 00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:11,030 and noticed our grocery bills are up 12% compared 25 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,990 to last quarter. Any idea why? 26 00:01:13,032 --> 00:01:16,368 There's a person at the end of the table that eats for free. 27 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:18,662 There's a person at the other end of the table 28 00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:20,205 that eats for three. 29 00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:21,832 (laughs) 30 00:01:21,874 --> 00:01:23,667 I've been buying groceries for the church food drive. 31 00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:25,084 I think that's it. 32 00:01:25,126 --> 00:01:27,128 Ooh, I bet I could write that off, 33 00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,924 including the gas it took to drive to the grocery store 34 00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:31,299 and then to the church. 35 00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:32,634 With all that driving, maybe she can count 36 00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:34,261 her car as a home office. 37 00:01:34,302 --> 00:01:37,056 Sounds aggressive, but I like how you're thinking. 38 00:01:37,096 --> 00:01:40,099 None of that is necessary, it's for charity. 39 00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:42,811 What's the point of charity if there are no tax benefits? 40 00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:44,354 Eat your peas. 41 00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:45,731 I like how he's thinking. 42 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,441 You eat your peas, too. 43 00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:48,901 (laughs) 44 00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,238 Dad, banking question. 45 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:54,489 What's that, buddy? 46 00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,075 I noticed there's a check missing. 47 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:58,118 I have a copy of check 128 48 00:01:58,159 --> 00:02:00,746 and a copy of check 130, but 129 isn't there. 49 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:03,707 Oh, yeah, don't worry about it. 50 00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:06,501 But I enjoy worrying; I find it very relaxing. 51 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:07,962 'Course you do. 52 00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:09,337 I balanced the rest of the account, 53 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,673 and it appears to be a check for $300. 54 00:02:11,715 --> 00:02:14,718 All right, well, let's just put it down 55 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,595 for $300 for miscellaneous. 56 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:19,890 I've never labeled anything miscellaneous in my life. 57 00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:21,141 I'll go ask Mom. 58 00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:22,935 Wait. (chuckles) 59 00:02:22,977 --> 00:02:26,438 I just remembered. 60 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,066 I gave the money to a friend. 61 00:02:29,108 --> 00:02:31,026 Who? It doesn't matter who. 62 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,402 Why'd you give it to them? 63 00:02:32,444 --> 00:02:35,030 They needed it. It... it's like charity. 64 00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:37,658 Ooh, another write-off, excellent. 65 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:39,868 Hey. Hey, hey, hey. 66 00:02:40,995 --> 00:02:44,748 What do you say we keep this quiet? 67 00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:46,583 You mean like a secret? 68 00:02:46,625 --> 00:02:49,544 No, no, just, you know, something between you and me. 69 00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:50,838 What about Mom? 70 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,547 Mom is on a need-to-know basis. 71 00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:53,799 What if Mom needs to know? 72 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,592 Okay, it's a secret. 73 00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:57,260 Just trust me. 74 00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:59,680 It is better for everyone if she doesn't know about this. 75 00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:01,598 But I'm not good at keeping secrets. 76 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,642 It's not hard. Just keep your mouth shut. 77 00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:05,477 But I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut. 78 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:09,731 Sheldon, all you got to do is be cool. 79 00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:13,110 ADULT SHELDON: "Be cool." 80 00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:16,571 He might as well have asked me to fly around the backyard. 81 00:03:18,490 --> 00:03:20,075 Good night, baby. Night, Mama. 82 00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:23,162 Love you. Love you, too. 83 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,414 Oh, hello. 84 00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:30,002 I was just brushing my teeth like I do every night. 85 00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:32,087 (laughs nervously) Nothing new there. 86 00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:33,254 You all right? 87 00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:35,256 Yes. I'm cool. 88 00:03:35,298 --> 00:03:37,176 I'm very cool. 89 00:03:37,216 --> 00:03:38,927 Tell Sheldon what cool means. 90 00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:40,679 Hush. 91 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,097 Sweet dreams. 92 00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:44,183 Love you. 93 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:47,019 Love you, too, 'cause you're my mom. 94 00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:48,770 (laughs nervously) 95 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,195 You're so weird. 96 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,238 More than usual? 97 00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:01,241 No, I guess not. 98 00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:02,910 Perfect. 99 00:04:04,285 --> 00:04:06,163 ADULT SHELDON: To avoid looking suspicious, 100 00:04:06,205 --> 00:04:09,374 I tried to interact with my mom as little as possible. 101 00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:12,627 Thankfully, it's rude to speak with your mouth full. 102 00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:15,089 You look tired, baby. Sleep okay? 103 00:04:15,130 --> 00:04:16,673 Mm-hmm. 104 00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:21,720 So how big a tax refund you think we're gonna get? 105 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,722 Mm. 106 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,141 Mornin'. Mornin'. 107 00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,851 I slept in the nude last night. 108 00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:29,853 Felt every little breeze. 109 00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:32,189 Thank you for sharing that. 110 00:04:32,231 --> 00:04:34,357 You're welcome. 111 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:37,360 Fight, you cowards, fight! 112 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,863 You fight, Skeletor. 113 00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:43,158 Mare, we got any batteries?! 114 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:47,079 MARY: Look in the drawer by the refrigerator. 115 00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:49,414 ADULT SHELDON: There was only so much food I could eat, 116 00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:52,751 so I started avoiding my mother whenever possible. 117 00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:55,837 (gasps) 118 00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:57,296 (whispering) What are you doing in there? 119 00:04:57,338 --> 00:04:59,049 (whispering): Keeping your secret. 120 00:04:59,091 --> 00:05:00,675 You got to pull it together. 121 00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:02,677 This is me pulling it together. 122 00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,512 Pull harder. MARY: Find 'em? 123 00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:07,266 Yeah. (chuckles) Got 'em. Thanks. 124 00:05:07,306 --> 00:05:09,768 You're very welcome. Hey, have you noticed 125 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,228 anything off with Sheldon? 126 00:05:11,270 --> 00:05:14,522 Uh, no, no, no. Can't say that I have. Why? 127 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:17,651 He's been awful quiet, and, at the risk of being indelicate, 128 00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:21,155 he's gone several days without a bowel movement. 129 00:05:21,196 --> 00:05:22,614 How do you know that? 130 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,574 Well, I was worried about him, 131 00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:25,951 so I took a look in his potty journal. 132 00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:27,702 He's still keeping that thing, huh? 133 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:30,413 Oh, yeah, that's why he wanted the Polaroid camera. 134 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,541 Uh, well, I'm sure he's gonna be fine, 135 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,961 uh, but I'll keep an eye on him. 136 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,797 Thank you. You got it. 137 00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:44,594 (whispering): She's gone. SHELDON: Thank you. 138 00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:47,388 Batteries are in this drawer. 139 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:53,270 (knocking on door) 140 00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:56,815 We got a problem. 141 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,820 I don't know how much longer Sheldon can hold out. 142 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,198 This is why I did not want you to write a check. 143 00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:05,657 Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't have 144 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,117 that kind of cash lying around. 145 00:06:07,159 --> 00:06:09,368 I do not want Mary to find out about this. 146 00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:10,871 Well, what about Sheldon? 147 00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:13,581 The kid hasn't pooped in days, he might pop. 148 00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:16,335 Slip a little Metamucil into his apple juice, he'll be fine. 149 00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:18,170 Why don't we just come clean? 150 00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,590 All right, sure, we could do that. 151 00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:26,220 You could rat me out to Mary and... 152 00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:29,597 I could tell her what you did at the church picnic. 153 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:31,266 Come on. 154 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,767 Now you're just playing dirty. 155 00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:35,312 We sink or swim together, George. 156 00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:38,523 We sink or swim together. 157 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,822 Grandmas are supposed to be nice. 158 00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:47,115 What went wrong with you? 159 00:06:50,535 --> 00:06:52,162 ADULT SHELDON: Avoiding my mother in our own house 160 00:06:52,204 --> 00:06:53,412 was proving to be difficult, 161 00:06:53,454 --> 00:06:55,665 so it was time to get creative. 162 00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:59,836 Hello. I'd like to book a room in your hotel. 163 00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:02,339 I'd be arriving tonight. 164 00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:06,343 No, it's just me. 165 00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:09,596 Ooh, a queen bed, that sounds fancy. 166 00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:13,308 And how much would this room cost? 167 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:16,561 Wow. Is that per month? 168 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:19,273 Per day? 169 00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:22,401 By any chance, do you have a children's rate? 170 00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:26,445 We've been friends for a while now, haven't we? 171 00:07:26,487 --> 00:07:28,365 I suppose so. 172 00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:31,201 Given that, how would you feel about a sleepover? 173 00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:33,287 Sure. Your mom lets you watch TV. 174 00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:34,955 Jake and the Fatman is on tonight. 175 00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:37,374 I meant we could sleep at your house. 176 00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,209 But you'll miss Jake and the Fatman. 177 00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:41,795 Even better. So what do you say? 178 00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:44,464 I'll have to ask my mom. 179 00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:46,591 Well, be sure to tell her I'm clean, I'm well-behaved, 180 00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,385 and if you don't have a lot of room, 181 00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:51,138 I can fit in really tight spaces. 182 00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:56,768 So your first sleepover. 183 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,312 Pretty exciting, huh? 184 00:07:58,353 --> 00:08:01,231 No. It's not exciting, it's constipating, 185 00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:03,275 and I'm only doing it to avoid Mom. 186 00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:06,278 But still, it's your first sleepover. 187 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,196 It's fun stuff. 188 00:08:09,781 --> 00:08:11,450 Okay, I know you're having a tough time with this, 189 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,785 but... you're doing great. 190 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:16,163 You spend some time at Tam's house, 191 00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:19,749 you know, clear your head, and come back home refreshed. 192 00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:21,126 And then I can tell Mom? 193 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,627 Oh, no, you can never tell Mom. 194 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,672 Wouldn't it be easier to just be honest? 195 00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:28,633 Usually, it would be, but... 196 00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:31,636 sometimes the truth can hurt people. Hmm? 197 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,596 We wouldn't want to hurt Mom, right? 198 00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:34,848 Of course not. 199 00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:36,350 Attaboy. 200 00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,477 (music playing over radio) 201 00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:43,231 Hey, here's a funny prank you can try tonight. 202 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:45,775 When Tam falls asleep, put some shaving cream in his hand 203 00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:47,068 and then tickle his nose. 204 00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:48,320 Why? 205 00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:50,197 'Cause then he'll go to, 206 00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:51,572 you know, scratch his nose, 207 00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:53,658 and he gets shaving cream on his face. 208 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,160 And then what? 209 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:58,705 Well... that-that's it. 210 00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:00,332 But I'm a guest in their home, 211 00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:02,292 and that doesn't seem like a very good way 212 00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:03,626 to repay their kindness. 213 00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:05,837 Never mind. 214 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,797 And what if the shaving cream gets in his eyes? 215 00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:09,007 That would sting. 216 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,384 Sorry I mentioned it. 217 00:09:10,425 --> 00:09:11,718 Also, I didn't bring my own shaving cream. 218 00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:13,094 I'd have to use his dad's, and that... 219 00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:15,180 Forget it! (clears throat) 220 00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,808 (doorbell rings) 221 00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:22,187 Hello. 222 00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,147 Hi. You must be Mrs.... 223 00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:25,564 Tam's mom. 224 00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:27,401 I'm Sheldon's dad, George Cooper. 225 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:28,735 Nice to meet you. 226 00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:30,237 Thanks for letting him spend the night. 227 00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:32,239 It's his first sleepover. He's excited. 228 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,032 Actually, I'm quite apprehens... 229 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,825 He's really looking forward to it. 230 00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:37,160 Uh, in case something 231 00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:39,037 comes up, just give us a holler. 232 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,373 I mean, a call. If you hollered, we wouldn't hear you. 233 00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:42,749 (chuckles) 234 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,335 That-that was a joke. 235 00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:47,170 (forced): Ha-ha-ha! 236 00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:49,297 Okay, buddy, have fun. 237 00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:52,884 ADULT SHELDON: Visiting Tam's house 238 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:56,137 for the first time was an emotional roller coaster. 239 00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:59,307 For example, it's traditional in Vietnamese homes 240 00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:01,893 to have gruesome religious iconography near the entrance. 241 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,937 I did not like that. 242 00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:06,440 However, it's also customary 243 00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:07,982 to not wear shoes around the house 244 00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:09,984 for sanitary reasons. 245 00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:11,945 I did like that. 246 00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,572 Interestingly, 247 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,116 one of the main ingredients in Vietnamese cooking 248 00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:19,660 is an extremely pungent condiment known as fish sauce. 249 00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:21,538 I did not like that. 250 00:10:21,580 --> 00:10:23,373 But before every meal, 251 00:10:23,415 --> 00:10:27,043 it's common for everyone to wash their hands and face. 252 00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:28,711 I did like that. 253 00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:32,215 Forks are not customary in a Vietnamese household. 254 00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:33,550 (giggles) 255 00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:36,803 I did not like that. 256 00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:39,722 And instead of napkins, there was one towel 257 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,600 for everyone to share at the table. 258 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:45,645 Seriously, what are they thinking? 259 00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:48,440 I can't help thinking how odd it is 260 00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:51,192 that Shelly volunteered to go on a sleepover. 261 00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:52,402 Oh, I don't know. 262 00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:54,237 Hmm? He's growing up. 263 00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:56,656 It's natural for a young boy to want to spread his wings 264 00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:58,492 a little bit, try something new. 265 00:10:58,533 --> 00:10:59,700 That's nonsense. 266 00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:01,202 Last week, I brought home 267 00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:03,121 the Raisin Bran with the sugar on the raisins. 268 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,123 He almost lost his mind. 269 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,541 If you ask me, 270 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,335 you're worried about nothing. 271 00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,462 (sighs) Maybe it's me. 272 00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:13,381 Maybe I did something to upset him. 273 00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:14,882 What are you talking about? 274 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,092 He loves you 275 00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:17,344 like crazy. 276 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:18,845 Much more than he loves this one. 277 00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:20,054 It's true. 278 00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,515 I don't know. 279 00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:23,350 I just feel like something isn't right. 280 00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:25,018 MISSY: Mom! 281 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:26,561 I got my hair stuck 282 00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:27,937 in my zipper! 283 00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:29,981 That's the kid you need to be worried about. 284 00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,777 (quietly): Okay, Connie, why don't we just come clean? 285 00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:35,987 No. 286 00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,238 (scoffs) You heard her. 287 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,073 Now she's blaming herself. 288 00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:40,492 And Sheldon's so upset 289 00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:42,869 he's-he's acting like a regular kid. 290 00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:45,079 All right, let's tell her. Thank you. 291 00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:47,248 But first I'm gonna tell her what you did at the picnic. 292 00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:49,292 Oh, Mary! Okay, okay, shh. 293 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,254 (sighs) 294 00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:55,882 I don't know how much longer we can keep this going. 295 00:11:55,923 --> 00:11:58,552 I'm willing to find out. 296 00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:08,019 So, this game is called Mystic Warlords of Ka'a. 297 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,437 It's pretty fun. 298 00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:11,398 There are six kinds of secret warlords... 299 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:14,693 Secret warlords. GEORGE SR.: It's a secret. Secret. 300 00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:16,194 It's a secret. 301 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:17,862 Have you noticed anything off with Sheldon? 302 00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:19,113 Something between me and you. 303 00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:20,907 Mom is on a need-to-know basis. 304 00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:22,617 I took a little look in his potty journal. 305 00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,952 It's a secret. Several days without a bowel movement. 306 00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,538 TAM: Sheldon. Secret. Secret. 307 00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:28,039 A secret. TAM: Sheldon. 308 00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:30,333 Did you hear anything I said? 309 00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:34,421 Sorry, I was reliving a traumatic experience. 310 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:35,796 What do you mean? 311 00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:41,094 Tam, I have a secret that's weighing on me, 312 00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:42,761 and I need to tell someone. 313 00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:44,055 Okay. Tell me. 314 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:46,015 But I promised I wouldn't. 315 00:12:46,057 --> 00:12:47,975 Okay. Then don't. 316 00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,852 But it's driving me crazy. 317 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,104 Too bad you're not Catholic. 318 00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:52,813 You could confess it to a priest. 319 00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:55,024 That's a great idea. 320 00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:57,485 You're Catholic. I'll confess it to you. 321 00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:58,903 I'm not a priest. 322 00:12:58,945 --> 00:12:59,946 I'm not a Catholic. 323 00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:01,489 It makes perfect sense. 324 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:04,659 Okay, whenever you're ready. 325 00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:07,036 What are you doing? 326 00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:09,330 I'm assuming the position. 327 00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,873 Okay. 328 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:13,585 Forgive me, Tam, for I have sinned. 329 00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:15,629 This is my first confession. 330 00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:17,838 I forgive you, my son. 331 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:22,385 I was doing my parents' taxes and noticed a check was missing. 332 00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:24,053 I asked my father about it... ADULT SHELDON: As I walked Tam 333 00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:25,804 through the whole sordid affair, 334 00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:28,600 I could feel a weight lifting off my shoulders. 335 00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:31,352 It was a relief to finally unburden myself 336 00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:32,979 of this deception. 337 00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:34,606 By the time I reached the end, 338 00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:36,899 I felt like a new person. 339 00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:38,943 That's the whole story. 340 00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:41,237 Cool. Can we play now? 341 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,281 And now that my conscience had been cleared, 342 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:46,075 my colon was ready to do the same. 343 00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:49,036 Excuse me. I need to use your bathroom! 344 00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:51,539 (door creaks closed) 345 00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:57,836 Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed. 346 00:13:57,878 --> 00:14:01,508 My father taught me that we must always honor our guests 347 00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:03,134 and treat them with the utmost courtesy. 348 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,012 The Vietnamese are a very welcoming people. 349 00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:09,307 Yeah, that hasn't always worked out for us. 350 00:14:11,850 --> 00:14:13,603 (grunts) 351 00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:16,272 Do you think your dad would ever ask you 352 00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:18,232 to keep a secret from your mom? 353 00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:19,400 Oh, no. 354 00:14:19,442 --> 00:14:21,820 He's so honest, it's annoying. 355 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,697 Enough talking. 356 00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,824 Sleep now. 357 00:14:26,907 --> 00:14:29,243 She's just annoying. 358 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,412 ♪ ♪ 359 00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:38,503 Well, you did it. 360 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,380 (grunts) 361 00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:42,674 How was your first sleepover? 362 00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,094 They feed you any weird food? 363 00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,681 When I was in 'Nam, we ate fish soup for breakfast. 364 00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:50,849 (chuckles) 365 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,100 Sheldon, I'm talking to you. 366 00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:55,562 Well, I'm not talking to you. 367 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,355 Okay, what's going on? 368 00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,858 After having my first good night's sleep in a week, 369 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,109 I woke up with a fresh perspective. 370 00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:03,361 And that is...? 371 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,446 It was irresponsible of you 372 00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:07,114 to burden me with that secret. 373 00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:09,701 Sheldon, we've been through this. (stammers) 374 00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,494 It's complicated. 375 00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:14,748 While I may not look up to you from an intellectual standpoint, 376 00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:17,166 I've always looked up to you as a role model. 377 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:23,548 I can't do that anymore. 378 00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,052 And don't worry-- we made a deal. 379 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:31,431 I'll continue to keep your secret. 380 00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:34,475 ♪ ♪ 381 00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:38,312 (engine starts) 382 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,565 (birds singing) 383 00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:43,317 Hey. 384 00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:44,569 What's up? 385 00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,780 Um, I need to tell you something. 386 00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:48,030 What did you do? 387 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:50,533 (sighs) When Sheldon was doing our taxes, 388 00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:52,827 he noticed a missing check. 389 00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,036 What did you do? 390 00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:55,538 Before I answer, do you trust me enough 391 00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:57,540 to understand it was for a good reason 392 00:15:57,582 --> 00:15:59,208 and j-just leave it at that? 393 00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:03,755 (gulps) 394 00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,423 What did you do? 395 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,425 It's all your mother's fault. She is a bad person. 396 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,343 I've been telling you for years. 397 00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:11,053 What did you do? 398 00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:13,139 Okay, now, before I answer that-- 399 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:14,515 Just tell me what you did. 400 00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:15,892 I got a DWI. 401 00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:17,644 Mom! 402 00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:19,312 It's not as bad as it sounds. 403 00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:21,689 How is driving drunk not bad? 404 00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:23,190 I wasn't exactly driving. 405 00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:25,443 I don't follow. 406 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,779 I was at the dog track with Georgie, 407 00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:29,196 and I had a few... 408 00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:30,782 Georgie? 409 00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:32,199 With God as my witness, 410 00:16:32,241 --> 00:16:34,535 I've never been to the dog track in my life. 411 00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:36,496 (quietly): She knows. 412 00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:38,080 Oh, I've been there a bunch. 413 00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:40,458 Will someone please tell me what happened? 414 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:44,002 Okay, me and Meemaw were in the bar at the track... 415 00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:45,797 You took him to a bar? 416 00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,047 He wasn't drinking. 417 00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:49,175 She had a few too many margaritas, 418 00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:50,468 so I drove us home. 419 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,261 But you don't have a license. 420 00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:55,139 That's why we swapped places after the cop pulled us over. 421 00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:56,516 Oh, dear Lord. 422 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:57,767 I had nothing to do with this part. 423 00:16:57,809 --> 00:16:59,644 Shut up. Will do. 424 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,103 MEEMAW: I didn't want Georgie 425 00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:02,355 to get into trouble, 426 00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:04,064 so I got behind the wheel 427 00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:05,900 before the cop walked up. 428 00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:08,235 And then I got arrested, and, uh, 429 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:09,946 he bailed me out. 430 00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:12,239 So you all thought you should keep this from me? 431 00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:13,783 Absolutely. 100%. Yes. 432 00:17:13,825 --> 00:17:16,034 Okay, here's what's gonna happen: you 433 00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,704 and you are staying at her house 434 00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:19,664 until I say otherwise. 435 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,791 One could argue I was the hero in this story. 436 00:17:21,833 --> 00:17:24,836 You went gambling and you drove without a license 437 00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,420 and you lied to my face. 438 00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:27,797 Heroically. 439 00:17:27,839 --> 00:17:29,590 Go. 440 00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:36,973 I love everything about this. 441 00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:41,644 I'm guessing you're mad at me. 442 00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:43,103 Aw, forget about it. 443 00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:44,939 I appreciate you not... 444 00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:47,441 ratting me out about the picnic. 445 00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:50,319 Well, we had a deal. 446 00:17:50,361 --> 00:17:53,948 Besides, your marriage is already hanging by a thread. 447 00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:55,449 It is dangling there. 448 00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:58,870 All right, well, I'm gonna turn in. 449 00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:00,413 Mmm. 450 00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:01,873 Good night. 451 00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:05,251 Night! 452 00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,590 (phone rings) 453 00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:11,841 Hello? 454 00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:13,342 MEEMAW: So, get a load of this. 455 00:18:13,384 --> 00:18:15,762 Last church picnic, your husband 456 00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:17,597 snuck in a six-pack, 457 00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:19,098 polished off the whole thing, 458 00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:21,225 then went to wait in line for the bathroom... 459 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:22,769 Hey. 460 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,437 You got an extra toothbrush? 461 00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:26,188 Under the sink, darlin'. 462 00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:27,440 Thanks. 463 00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,525 You got it. 464 00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:33,780 So then the big gorilla decides he doesn't want to wait in line, 465 00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:36,824 so he stumbles over to the church vegetable garden 466 00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:41,328 and proceeds to irrigate the whole damn thing. 467 00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:43,790 I've eaten those vegetables. 468 00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:46,667 Sweet dreams. (laughs) bles.