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With us tonight is
Pastor Jeff Difford

2
00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:07,424
from the First Baptist Church
of Medford.

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Thank you
for being here, Pastor.

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My pleasure.
So it would appear

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that your church's

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Halloween Hell House
has stirred up

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quite a bit
of controversy this year.

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Oh, I wouldn't call it

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controversy.

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What would you call it?

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A-As you know,

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the purpose of a Hell House

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is to demonstrate
the wages of sin,

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so as to lead people
back to God.

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That's wonderful.

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But doesn't it
concern you that a lot

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of parents were alarmed

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at the gruesome scenes
you portrayed?

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Once again,
our intentions were pure.

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Why don't we take a look
at just how pure they were.

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Let's roll the clip.

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Oh, boy.

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I need another beer.

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Oh, darling, don't you
think you've had enough?

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I'll tell you
when I had enough!
(screams)

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Whoa! Hey, cowboy,

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why don't you put that
down and call it a night.

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Don't you tell me
what to do.

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(screaming)

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JEFF:
That's enough, Peg.

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Dear Lord.

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As you can see,
our last attempt at a Hell House

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may have been a tad...
traumatizing.

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I thought it was a hoot.

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Some of the little ones
peed their pants. (chuckles)

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But that wasn't the goal.

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A nine-year-old crapped
himself. (chuckles)

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Why are you showing me this?

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Well, Mary, this year,
we'd like to go

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with a more family-friendly
production.

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And I thought you'd be the
perfect person to head that up.

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Really? Me?

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Yes, you. Absolutely.

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Gosh, I don't know.
(scoffs)

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I always felt I had a flair
for the creative arts,

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but putting on a
big show like that...

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You'll have a sizable budget
and all the help you'll need

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constructing sets,
building props,

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special effects, makeup.

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Does sound tempting.

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But, most importantly,

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you'll have an opportunity
to bring people to God

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by vividly demonstrating
the perils of sin.

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Be careful

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if you touch on adultery.

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Last year,
one of the actors got pregnant.

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Thanks, Peg.

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So, what do you say?

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I already know the first change
I'm gonna make.

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Instead of calling it
"Hell House,"

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which is a little off-putting,

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I'm gonna call it...

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"Heck House."

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Isn't that great?

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That is great.

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You don't
really mean that.

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Yes, I do.

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Oh, I get it.

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Happy wife, happy life.

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You need to stop talking.

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So it's not
gonna be scary?

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It will, but without
all the blood and gore.

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But I like
blood and gore.

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Hang on, y'all are trying
to scare people

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into joining the church?

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Yeah. But people like

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getting scared
on Halloween anyway.

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Why not make 'em jump
in the right direction?

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Actually, fear has been
a recruiting tactic

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used by organized religion

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for centuries.

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When you add guilt
to keep people in line,

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it's an extremely efficient form
of crowd control.

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Our religion is based on love,
Sheldon, not fear.

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So what happens when people
don't follow the rules?

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They burn in hell.

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Because God loves 'em.

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♪ Nobody else
is stronger than I am ♪

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♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

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♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

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♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

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♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

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(school bell rings)

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(indistinct chatter)

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Sheldon.

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Oh. Hi, Georgie.

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Why was Veronica
Duncan hugging you?

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I'm tutoring her
in trigonometry.

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And that gets you hugs?

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Thanks to me,
she got her first C-minus.

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Just between us,
she's a little slow.

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That's not what I heard.

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What did you hear?

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Is she secretly clever?

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Because if she is,
I completely missed it.

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It doesn't matter.

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You just need to
introduce me to her.

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Why?

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I want to be her friend.

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Well, you better take a number.

111
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She's friends with a lot of boys
around here.

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Let me worry about that.
You just need to introduce us.

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All right.

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You know, she pays me
two dollars for every one

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of our tutoring lessons.

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How much did it cost
her to get a C-minus?

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$26.

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That's a good deal.

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LUNDY: Now, remember,
next week, we start our work

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on Streetcar Named Desire.

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So please prepare a monologue

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for either Blanche
or Stanley.

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Usually, the girls do Blanche
and the boys do Stanley,

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but no judgment--
you follow your heart.

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(indistinct chatter)

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Thank you again

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for letting me come by
to pick your brain.

128
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Oh, please.
Anything for the church.

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Are you a religious man?

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I'm an actor.

131
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I'm whatever
you need me to be.

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All right.

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As I told you on the phone,

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I have been tasked

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with mounting this year's
Halloween production.

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Oh, is that a haunted house
kind of deal?

137
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Yes, but with the goal
of bringing people to God.

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I do know something
about that.

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When I played Puck
in Midsummer,

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the Tulsa Herald called
my performance heavenly.

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Wow! Good for you.

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Thank you, thank you.
(giggling)
(chuckles)

143
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Okay. Um, I was hoping

144
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to put on a little play
in each of the rooms

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that portrays one of
the seven deadly sins.

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Pride, envy, gluttony, lust,
sloth, wrath and greed!

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Wow, you know your sins!

148
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:23,531
Well, again, I'm an actor.

149
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They are the tools in my box.

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Um, have you
considered

151
00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,623
a narrator, you know, um,

152
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like, a tour guide
kind of thing?

153
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Oh, that's interesting.

154
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:37,296
But who would that be?

155
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Well, I'd have to think
the big man himself.

156
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God?
Satan.

157
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Oh! That's spooky.

158
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And he's trying
to lure people toward sin.

159
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Exactly.

160
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That's a pretty big role.

161
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I wonder who could do it.

162
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Huh.

163
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Well, it would
have to be someone

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with enough range to
convey sincerity and charm,

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all the while, hiding
a dark and corrupt soul!

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(cackles)

167
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Good golly.
(chuckles)

168
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If you were just a little
taller, you'd be perfect.

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I have lifts.

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00:06:11,330 --> 00:06:13,414
(indistinct chatter)

171
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What are we doing here?

172
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Waiting for Veronica.

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How do you know she's in there?

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It's kind of her homeroom.

175
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Oh, hello again.

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Oh.
(chuckles)

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Hey. What's up?

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This is my brother Georgie.
He wanted to meet you.

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Really?
Really.

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I like your hair.

181
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Uh, me, too.

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00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:42,569
(crows cawing)

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00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:44,196
(engine shuts off)

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What do you think?

185
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Pretty great, huh?

186
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:50,285
Realtor's letting us
use it for free.

187
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Wow. How'd you swing that?

188
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Well, I promised

189
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Fred Murphy a lead role

190
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:55,707
in the lust room.

191
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,126
Ooh.
(laughs)

192
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Look at you,
just wheeling and dealing

193
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:02,463
like a big-time
Hollywood producer.

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(chuckles)
Maybe you're
in the wrong business.

195
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Being a mother?

196
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:08,136
Being a Christian.
Ah.

197
00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:09,554
Greetings!

198
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,598
Oh, good! Mr. Lundy,
you made it.
(chuckles)

199
00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:13,641
Oh, we're gonna be working
together. You can call me Gene.

200
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All right, Gene, this
is my mother, Connie.
Hi.

201
00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:17,645
Hi.
Hello.

202
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,606
Now, I would've bet
she was your big sister.

203
00:07:19,647 --> 00:07:22,234
(chuckles)
I thought you said
he was a good actor.

204
00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:23,610
Oh, now.
(chuckling)

205
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:25,195
So, what do you think?

206
00:07:25,237 --> 00:07:27,864
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

207
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:30,242
Spiderwebs.
What?

208
00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:32,160
We're gonna need
some spiderwebs and I think

209
00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:33,745
maybe some fire effects
on the left

210
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,455
and right side
of the portal.

211
00:07:35,496 --> 00:07:36,331
Portal?

212
00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:37,916
Portal to hell.

213
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,751
(chuckling)
Sure, sure.

214
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,379
Now, the script calls for me
to appear

215
00:07:42,421 --> 00:07:44,505
from beneath the house
in a cloud of smoke.

216
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:47,050
But I think
that's gonna be ambitious.

217
00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:48,509
Script? What script?

218
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,469
Oh, I wrote a script.
Don't worry about it.

219
00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:52,680
I was gonna write the script.

220
00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:54,515
Well, now you don't have to.

221
00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:56,143
(chuckles)

222
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:58,270
(chuckles)

223
00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:01,522
Do you believe this?

224
00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:02,690
Believe it, love it,

225
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:05,152
glad I didn't wait
in the car.

226
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,953
I can't believe this.

227
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,622
No good?
It's awful.

228
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:20,000
It makes sin
seem like a good thing.

229
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:21,501
Well, that's the problem,
isn't it?

230
00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:23,128
I mean, if sin didn't seem
like a good thing,

231
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:24,379
nobody would do it.

232
00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:26,673
George, please, I'm in no mood.

233
00:08:26,714 --> 00:08:27,924
Hey. Wrath.

234
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,302
That's one of the seven sins,
right?

235
00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:31,428
Pastor Jeff gave me this project

236
00:08:31,470 --> 00:08:33,138
because he knew
I'd be best at it.

237
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:36,641
Now Gene... Lundy
is taking over.

238
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,352
Oh, look, pride. And envy.

239
00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,937
Don't stop. Four sins to go.

240
00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:46,234
I'm guessing lust
ain't happening tonight.

241
00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,241
You see a large red button.

242
00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:54,575
What do you do?

243
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:57,412
I press it.

244
00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:02,501
The floor opens up and
you plunge into a 60-foot pit.

245
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:04,169
I fly out.

246
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,254
Up, up, and away!

247
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:09,174
Again, you're not Superman
in this game;

248
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,301
you're Superman for Halloween.

249
00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:13,094
Which isn't till next week.

250
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:14,471
So I'm in a pit.

251
00:09:14,513 --> 00:09:15,847
You're in a pit.

252
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:19,559
Then I blast my way out
with my super breath!

253
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:20,768
(blowing)

254
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,063
Just let him do it.

255
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:24,356
Dinner's ready.

256
00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:26,149
Five more minutes.
Hey, Georgie.

257
00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:28,443
I saw you talking
to Veronica Duncan.

258
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:29,944
Yeah. So?

259
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:31,154
How well do you know her?

260
00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:33,114
Not as well as I'm gonna.

261
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:34,408
I introduced them.

262
00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:35,867
He math skills
are dreadful.

263
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,827
Did you know Superman
has a dog?

264
00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:39,704
His name is Krypto.

265
00:09:40,788 --> 00:09:42,541
He plays fetch in space.

266
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,792
♪ Please allow me
to introduce myself ♪

267
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:49,130
Cut. Cut. Cut.
Cut. Cut. (sighs)

268
00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,924
It's supposed to be wrath.

269
00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:53,718
♪ I've been around
for a long, long time ♪

270
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:54,761
(gasps) Oh.

271
00:09:54,802 --> 00:09:57,097
♪ Stole many a man's soul ♪

272
00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:58,515
Give him a little kick
now that's he's down.

273
00:09:58,557 --> 00:09:59,640
Give him a little kick.

274
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:00,975
♪ I was 'round ♪

275
00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:03,144
That's right,
that's good.

276
00:10:03,186 --> 00:10:04,603
Yes. Yeah.
(groaning)

277
00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:05,939
No, go for it.

278
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,315
Yes.

279
00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:09,276
♪ Pleased to meet you ♪

280
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:11,570
♪ Hope you guess my name ♪

281
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,654
♪ Woo-woo ♪

282
00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:15,073
♪ Yeah, woo-woo ♪

283
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,409
♪ Ah, what's puzzling you... ♪

284
00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:20,620
Kind of stomp down on him,
stomp down on him.

285
00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:23,331
Yes. That's the way. Good.

286
00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:24,791
Now, Fred, remember,

287
00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:28,836
you are the
personification of lust.

288
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:33,383
Your sole reason for being
is to try to satisfy

289
00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:37,678
this unquenchable thirst
for physical pleasure.

290
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:41,433
Great. Will there be
kissing and touching?

291
00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:43,935
Oh, you bet.
Mm. Mm.

292
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:46,020
Now what?

293
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:48,731
Pretend kissing.
Pretend touching.

294
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:49,983
Oh.

295
00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:53,027
Fred, would you just
give me a moment?

296
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:56,364
Mary, I-I've tried
to be patient,

297
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:57,865
but if I'm gonna do this,

298
00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:00,368
put my reputation
on the line,

299
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:02,996
I'm gonna need you
to back off just a little bit.

300
00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:06,040
Do I need to remind you that
the purpose of Heck House

301
00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:08,376
is to show how sins
destroy our lives?

302
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:09,628
Yeah, so?

303
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,297
You are making them
into a good thing.

304
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,257
Have you read the script?

305
00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:16,717
He's gonna get syphilis.

306
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:18,428
He goes home,
he gives it to his wife.

307
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:19,804
She goes crazy.

308
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:22,140
She kills him
and her entire family.

309
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,891
What am I missing?

310
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,018
Sorry I'm late.

311
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:26,769
I couldn't find my keys,

312
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:28,729
and then my car
wouldn't start.

313
00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,106
Then I got lost.

314
00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:31,650
Holy smokes.

315
00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:34,152
Hi. Are you
my make out partner?

316
00:11:35,987 --> 00:11:37,738
No. No. No one's making out.

317
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:40,575
This all stops right now.

318
00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,202
You have got to calm down.

319
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:44,496
I will not have innocent
children walk through this house

320
00:11:44,538 --> 00:11:46,581
on Halloween and see
a half-naked woman.

321
00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:49,292
A half-naked woman
chock-full of syphilis.

322
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:53,087
BOTH:
What?
It's pretend syphilis.

323
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:56,883
Mary, I am a trained
theater professional.

324
00:11:56,924 --> 00:12:02,180
Why don't you just let me
do what I do, while you,

325
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:06,767
you know, go home and make
a nice tuna casserole.

326
00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:08,478
Hmm?

327
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:09,854
All right, Fred...

328
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:12,023
ADULT SHELDON:
I know what you're thinking:

329
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,525
she's going to tear
his throat out.

330
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,818
But what in fact happened
is she did

331
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:17,487
what she thought Jesus
would do.

332
00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:19,738
She went home and made
that tuna casserole.

333
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,157
It was a little salty

334
00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:23,117
but I ate it
because she was in a mood.

335
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,539
KIDS:
Trick or treat!

336
00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:28,915
(laughter)

337
00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:31,292
(eerie organ music playing)

338
00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:34,962
(recorded screams playing)

339
00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:41,428
(gasping, laughing)

340
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:45,390
Greetings.
Pleased to meet you.

341
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:49,060
I go by many names:
Satan, Lucifer,

342
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:52,522
Mephistopheles,
Beelzebub.

343
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:54,357
Of course, when I make
a dinner reservation,

344
00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:56,943
I-I go by "Eric."

345
00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:58,445
It's easier to spell.

346
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:00,154
Before we begin

347
00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:03,324
tonight's descent into Heck,

348
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:06,202
I'd like to tell you
a little about myself.

349
00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:09,372
'Cause it's all about you,
isn't it?

350
00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:12,125
I was God's chosen angel.

351
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,335
I was his favorite.

352
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,379
We used to go camping together.

353
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:20,091
But then, because I wanted
to have a little bit of fun,

354
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,801
I was cast from heaven.

355
00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:25,388
Tonight, you will bear witness
to that fun.

356
00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:31,018
You will decide
whether it is sinful...

357
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:32,895
or just another Saturday night.

358
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:37,317
(laughs)
Come with me... if you dare.

359
00:13:37,358 --> 00:13:39,860
(thunder rumbles)

360
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,404
Just watch your step
right over here,

361
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:43,448
'cause there's some
electrical wires.

362
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,116
(hisses)
(knock on door)

363
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,034
ALL:
Trick or treat.

364
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:49,704
Oh, look how cute y'all are.

365
00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:53,374
Now, I know you are Superman.

366
00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:54,501
What about the rest of you?

367
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:57,211
I'm Cyndi Lauper.
I'm a wizard.

368
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,338
Uh-huh.

369
00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:00,131
And I'm Carl Sagan.

370
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,008
Who?

371
00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:03,510
Carl Sagan.

372
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,512
He's the host of Cosmos.

373
00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:08,097
Well, isn't that something.

374
00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:10,141
Now, y'all be safe
and have a fun night.

375
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,392
I'm Super...

376
00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:13,687
(laughter, shouting)

377
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,192
You like Guns N' Roses?

378
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:20,360
They're all right.

379
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:23,404
Yeah, they're all right.

380
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,579
You as smart
as your brother?

381
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:33,498
Nobody is.

382
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,916
I got an older sister
that's kind of a genius.

383
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:37,418
Oh, yeah?

384
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,586
Why didn't she tutor you?

385
00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:40,505
She's in jail.

386
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:43,174
What'd she do?

387
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:44,759
She sold a piñata
full of weed

388
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,386
to an undercover cop.

389
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:48,638
Doesn't sound like
much of a genius.

390
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:52,266
Oh, I don't know, she
graduated high school.

391
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:54,018
BILLY:
Ooh, peanut butter cups!

392
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:56,896
Superman loves
peanut butter cups!

393
00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:58,857
(thunder rumbles)

394
00:14:58,897 --> 00:15:01,526
So you see, the sin of greed.

395
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:04,696
Very wealthy man,
a beautiful house,

396
00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:07,240
swimming pool,
several German cars,

397
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:10,618
and a young wife
who worshipped him.

398
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,286
Excuse me, Mr. Satan.

399
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,831
What?

400
00:15:14,873 --> 00:15:16,040
You kind of left out

401
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:17,667
how greed is the root
of all evil,

402
00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:19,085
and how it corrupts
the soul.

403
00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:21,212
It's in there.
It's called subtext.

404
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:24,424
Why don't we take a gander
at the eternal torment

405
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:25,592
that is sloth.

406
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,386
Eh!

407
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,638
I can't believe
no one in this town knows

408
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,181
who Carl Sagan is.

409
00:15:32,223 --> 00:15:33,808
Why even have a TV?

410
00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:37,061
Stupid Mrs. Gifford
gave me a banana.

411
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:39,021
SHELDON:
Where's Billy?

412
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:40,440
He had to go
to the bathroom.

413
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,233
So he went home?
No.

414
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,277
He's right behind
that tree.

415
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:46,529
Wait up, guys.

416
00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:49,115
Oh, I got a little on my cape.

417
00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:51,659
Ew.

418
00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:00,585
There's nobody at my house.
You want to come over?

419
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:01,836
Yes.

420
00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:03,713
Okay, let's go.

421
00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:09,469
(ethereal music playing)

422
00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:14,265
Look at this.

423
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:17,477
We threw a party for heaven
and nobody came.

424
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:20,855
Not one person
chose to be saved.

425
00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:22,690
Well, did you tell 'em
about the cupcakes?

426
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,150
MEEMAW:
Where I think you went wrong

427
00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:25,652
is in your timing.

428
00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:28,696
If you'd done this deal
during a war or a plague,

429
00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:30,698
then you'd have
a boatload of converts.

430
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:32,366
Famine.
Famine would bring 'em in.

431
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:34,452
What do you know about famine?

432
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:37,288
Hola, amigos.

433
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:39,624
Hey, Pastor Jeff.

434
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,042
Why so glum?
This is going great.

435
00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:44,420
Donations are through the roof.

436
00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:45,713
(laughs)

437
00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:47,047
Nobody wants to be saved.

438
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:50,927
Yeah, but donations are
through the roof.

439
00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:53,387
Is that all this means to you,
raising money?

440
00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:56,098
Hey, that money is
gonna do a lot of good

441
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:57,433
for a lot of people.

442
00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,310
Now, quit being
such a fun sponge.

443
00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,521
Here, have some grapes.

444
00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:04,273
(laughing)

445
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:08,862
What's that?

446
00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:10,321
Some stupid haunted house

447
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:13,073
my mother's doing
for the church.

448
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:14,993
Let's check it out.

449
00:17:15,033 --> 00:17:17,620
But I-I thought we were
going to your house.

450
00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:20,122
We are, let's just
do this first.

451
00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:21,666
It'll be fun.

452
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,711
(whimpers)

453
00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:29,089
Pleased to meet you.

454
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,968
I go by many names:
Satan...

455
00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:34,637
ADULT SHELDON:
My mother's fears
that no one would be saved

456
00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:37,306
that Halloween night
were proven incorrect.

457
00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:39,767
As they kissed, she
thought about the choices

458
00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:41,644
that led her to this moment.

459
00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:45,189
ADULT SHELDON:
Mr. Lundy's scene about lust
made a deep impact

460
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:48,150
on my brother's date.
Her youth was gone.

461
00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:50,236
She had traded her
beauty for a few

462
00:17:50,277 --> 00:17:55,073
tawdry dollars, and now she had
nothing left but shame...

463
00:17:56,826 --> 00:17:59,037
...and venereal disease.

464
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:06,961
ADULT SHELDON:
She asked to be saved by Jesus.

465
00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:09,714
(crying): I don't want to live
like this anymore.

466
00:18:11,131 --> 00:18:12,633
Oh, just repeat after me...

467
00:18:12,675 --> 00:18:14,301
ADULT SHELDON:
And as it turns out, she was.

468
00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:17,304
She went on to live a life
devoted to God,

469
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:20,099
feeding the poor,
even helping her sister

470
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:23,394
start a literacy program
for female prisoners.

471
00:18:25,145 --> 00:18:27,356
My brother, on the other hand,
became a devout atheist

472
00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:29,400
after that night.

473
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,860
MARY:
We got one!

474
00:18:34,196 --> 00:18:36,574
ALL: Trick or treat.
Aren't y'all precious.

475
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:40,202
And you look like
a little Carl Sagan.

476
00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:45,750
ADULT SHELDON: Vindication,
the sweetest candy of all.

477
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:47,961
♪ ♪
ELDON: Vindication,
the sweetest candy of all.