ADULT SHELDON: Living in a small Texas town,
a few things are guaranteed:
someone nearby will have chickens... (chickens clucking)
George... Yeah?
Go shoot those chickens.
Everyone will know your business.
You sure you want to eat that?
(mouth full): Why not?
I heard your triglycerides are through the roof.
Who told you that?
My brother plays poker with your doctor.
But on the brighter side, in a small Texas town,
people take care of each other.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
(exhales)
You know that Veronica Duncan girl?
The one that Georgie likes? Yeah.
I was thinking about having her stay here for a couple days.
Is it Georgie's birthday or something? No.
She's just having a rough time at home.
What's going on?
Her mother's boyfriend has a drinking problem,
and... things have been getting out of hand.
You waited till I had a beer to tell me
this story, didn't you? You always have a beer.
So good news.
We're gonna have a houseguest for a couple days.
Oh, not Aunt Ruth.
Her beard is very scratchy.
My sister doesn't have a beard.
Did she shave it?
MARY: It's not Aunt Ruth!
It's Veronica Duncan.
(angelic choir sings) And while she's here,
I expect y'all to be on your best behavior.
Why are you looking at me?
Was I?
Yeah, and you still are.
Where is she going to sleep?
She can have my room. I'm fine on the couch.
Thank you.
Why is she staying with us?
Because she needs to be out of her house for a few days.
Why?
Because her family is dealing with
some personal business.
What personal business? Well...
I heard her mama's boyfriend is a drunk.
Where did you hear that?
Mom told you outside and I heard it.
♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪
♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪
♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪
♪ I am a mighty little man ♪
♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪
(drumbeat playing)
Let's sweat!
I plan on it, Richard.
RICHARD: Oh, yeah! ♪ ♪
(phone ringing)
(music stops) Hello?
Did you know that word "hello" wasn't used as a greeting
until the invention of the telephone? Hi, John.
To end a phone call,
it was suggested to say, "That is all."
Is that all, John?
No, I wanted to invite you to dinner tomorrow night.
Great. Where we going?
I can't tell you that. It's a surprise.
You want to give me a clue so I'll know how to dress?
Well, dress as if you were going to a Mexican restaurant.
Oh, we're going to Puerta Roja.
I can't tell you that, it would ruin the surprise.
John, you do realize that I'll be the one driving us there.
Fine, we're going to Puerta Roja, but everything else
is a surprise.
That is all!
(chuckles)
RICHARD: One more time! Come on!
♪ ♪
("Clean Up Woman" by Betty Wright playing)
♪ ♪
Sorry, Axl. You'll be back.
♪ A clean up woman ♪
♪ Is a woman who ♪
♪ Gets all the love we girls... ♪
What are you doing?
Documenting. This may never happen again.
♪ So much about her ♪
♪ Is because she picked up ♪
♪ A man of mine ♪
♪ The clean up woman ♪
♪ Will wipe his blues away ♪
♪ She'll give him plenty loving ♪
♪ 24 hours a day ♪
♪ The clean up woman... ♪
What's in there?
Don't open it. But what's in there?
Don't open it.
♪ When you dump him in the street... ♪
(TV playing indistinctly)
Are you wearing cologne?
No.
Georgie, I have the olfactory
senses of a polar bear.
They can smell a seal through three feet of ice.
Mind your business.
He's exhibiting Zahavian signaling theory.
Is that from Star Trek? No, biology.
He's trying to communicate his more desirable qualities
in order to attract Veronica.
Too bad he doesn't have any desirable qualities.
(doorbell rings)
Be the Danza. Be the Danza.
Be the Danza. (quietly): What a doofus.
Hey, there.
Thank you for having me, Mrs. Cooper.
Hey, Veronica. Let me take your bag. Hi.
Are you wearing Old Spice? Don't worry about it.
Here, let me show you around.
Oh. O-Okay. (chuckles)
Of course you remember the living room,
where we have our prayer group.
(quietly): Oh, my Lord...
And this is the dining room. That's where we'll dine.
But in the mornings, we dine in the kitchen.
Of course, if you'd like a snack,
that'd be in the refrigerator or the pantry.
You know, where your snack foods would be. Sure.
Washer, dryer.
Plus, we got those little sheets that smell nice
and fight static cling.
And here's our entertainment room. Hey, guys.
Hi. Hello.
We don't have cable, but we do have
all three major broadcast networks.
Here's the bathroom, for hygiene and whatnot.
And... here's where you'll be sleeping.
Did I take your room? Yes,
but I'll be on the couch.
Which is right near the TV and the kitchen,
so I'm peachy.
(Spanish music playing)
Hello. I'm John Sturgis.
We have a reservation.
Follow me.
♪ ♪
(quietly): Was a reservation really necessary?
I didn't want to take any chances. (chuckles)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I sit in that seat.
You sit here.
Oh, uh, okay.
What's going on?
Don't you remember?
John, I don't even remember where I just parked.
I'm recreating our first date!
The same restaurant, the same table,
the same jacket.
Different eyelashes, though, because
they regenerate every two to three months.
Mine are the same, actually.
They're fake.
(both laugh)
I wanted this night to be special
because it's the one-year anniversary of that date.
Is that a thing that people our age celebrate?
No idea. I've never been this age before.
And I've never dated anyone for a whole year.
(chuckles) Well...
Happy anniversary. (chuckles)
(classical music playing)
Sorry for the mess.
I emptied out this drawer so you can put your stuff away.
Where are your clothes?
I threw most of them out.
You didn't have to do that.
It's okay. They were old and full of holes.
And it worked out great.
I found some firecrackers and a bag full of my baby teeth.
Thank you.
Oh. I also hung a cross over the bed for you.
It's just Popsicle sticks and glitter. I glued it together
in Sunday school when I was a kid.
(crying softly)
Is-is it too much? I can take it down.
(sniffles) No, it's...
it's really sweet. (sniffles)
(crying) Why are you crying?
Did Georgie bring up
your unfortunate home life?
Uh, no.
Good. My mom said not to,
so that you would be comfortable.
Thank you.
Are you comfortable?
(laughing) And I remember how cute you looked
in your little pearl snap shirt with your bolo tie.
Well, I'd say it wasn't my first rodeo, but it was. (both chuckling)
Thank you for a wonderful year.
To many more. To many more.
Which leads me to the final surprise
of the evening.
What are you doing? Hang on, I don't want to spoil the surprise.
Getting down on one knee, it makes it pretty damn clear.
Surprise!
Connie, will you do me the honor
of being my wife?
Oh, John, I don't know.
How can you not know? It's a binary decision.
It's more complicated th-than that.
I don't see why. We're compatible.
(quietly): I know. We enjoy each other's company.
I know. And we've become extremely proficient in the bedroom.
There's very little wasted effort.
(quietly): John, sit back down
and lower your voice.
Little help?
Down is easier than up. (groans) Sure.
MARY: Thank you, God, for this food we're about to receive,
and for the nourishment of our bodies, and bless
the hands that prepared it.
And an extra special thank-you for allowing us
to share our home with our friend Veronica.
ALL: Amen. GEORGE JR.: Oh, yeah.
That's a big amen on that one.
MARY: All right, everybody, dig in.
Would you like a dinner roll?
Mmm. Sure.
I find it really rounds out the meal.
Mom? Yes, honey?
Do I have to sit downwind of Georgie's cologne?
So, Veronica, I understand that you're a junior?
Mm. Yes, sir.
Do you have any plans for after high school?
I'm hoping for a scholarship to Baylor
so I can get a teaching degree.
Mm.
I like kids. (chuckles)
Really? Kids? Ugh.
You're so tall and pretty, you should be Vanna White.
How can she be Vanna White?
Vanna White is Vanna White.
Fine. She can be Vanna Blue.
See? This is the kind of nonsense you have
to deal with when you're around kids.
He does have a point.
No. I-I love this.
We never eat dinner together at my house.
You eat alone?
Mostly. Yeah.
(quietly): Lucky duck.
(indistinct chatter)
John...
I've already been married once.
I wasn't really planning on ever doing it again.
Why not?
I was somebody's wife for a long time.
I just like being... Connie Tucker now.
Not Mrs....
somebody else's name.
Well, what if I took your name?
John Tucker, it sounds great.
Like a football player or an astronaut.
You're missing the point.
I just think it's important for people to know
that we're an official couple.
We don't have to be married for that.
Buy a billboard, take an ad out in the paper.
I understand. Thank you.
Are we good?
Yes.
But if I should pre-decease you...
(voice breaking): I want you to have the ring.
Fine. It'll be in the...
top right corner of my dresser drawer.
Got it. (crying): Under my tube socks.
Veronica. Veronica.
VERONICA: Come in.
Hey, Sheldon, what's up?
I printed out my bathroom schedule.
I can't speak for anyone else in this family,
but you can count on it being occupied
during these times.
Thank you.
This is very helpful.
I know.
Is there anything else?
There is, but... I'm not allowed to ask about it.
Oh, it's okay. You can ask me anything.
Oh, good. I don't like cats,
but I share their curious nature.
(laughs) What do you want to know?
Your mom has a boyfriend.
Yeah.
Where is your father?
I don't know.
Why do you not know?
Well, he left when I was really young
and I never heard from him again.
And why are you staying here?
My mom's boyfriend isn't very nice.
I understand. My sister isn't very nice.
(chuckles) So you get it?
I do, thank you.
Okay, well, talk to you later.
But not between 7:00 and 7:12.
Yup, I see it right here.
(drops keys)
So... how about
I make us a pot of tea and we'll get cozy?
Sure, sounds good.
Just make yourself comfy, I-I'll be right back.
Mint tea?
Or would you like to go crazy and have a little hibiscus?
(door closes)
(water turns off)
Ah, damn it.
BOY (over TV): Buddy, they let you out?
BUDDY: Yeah, but they let Charles in.
Hey, can I join you?
Sure.
What you watching?
Charles in Charge.
It's kind of like Who's the Boss? but with Chachi.
They should have called it Chachi in Charge.
Cha-Chi in Charge.
That's three cha's. I like it.
(laughs)
Georgie, you're so funny.
Really?
Not everybody gets me.
I get you.
♪ ♪
Uh-oh.
Oh, Mom. If you're sleeping with the man,
you should be married to him.
Why do I come here?
I got to find a cooler chick to talk to.
You know I'm right.
I know no such thing.
It's my life, I don't have to do
anything 'cause I'm "supposed to."
I do it because I want to, and right now,
I don't want to, end of story.
Good morning. Can I get you some breakfast, honey?
Yes, please.
How was your anniversary date with Dr. Sturgis?
You knew about that?
Yes. So you knew he was gonna propose?
Propose? No, that's wonderful.
Although, it's a little disconcerting he didn't tell me.
I thought we were closer than that.
Well, we're not getting married any time soon.
You should. You're old; you don't have many years left.
I really need to meet a whole new group of people.
Hey, what you doin'?
Helping your mom with laundry.
Oh, yeah. That's usually my job.
(TV playing indistinctly)
Uh, maybe when you're done, we can go down to the mall
and hang out.
Oh, I promised your sister I'd take her out for some girl time.
Maybe I can come along.
Then it wouldn't be girl time.
No, not entirely, but it would be mostly.
Take a hint, dummy.
(phone ringing)
(machine beeps)
STURGIS (recorded): Greetings.
You've reached Dr. John Sturgis.
Leave a message and I'll be in touch.
Thank you very much.
Hey, that rhymed.
(machine beeps) (chuckles)
John, I know you're there, pick up.
If you don't pick up, I'm gonna get really mad.
I'm getting really mad.
Call me back.
(exhales)
(indistinct chatter)
(horse nickering)
Sorry, I know this isn't the most fun thing in the world.
I was happy just riding
in the front seat of your car. (laughs)
♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
You probably hear this a lot,
but you're, like, princess pretty.
Oh. I don't know about that.
But you are definitely princess material.
Well, until I'm allowed to wear makeup,
this is as hot as I get.
You don't need makeup.
I hope you're right. Mom says I have to wait till I'm 16.
Mm. That'll get here sooner than you think.
Sure doesn't feel like it.
Don't be in a rush.
Honestly...
I'd rather be your age again. Really?
Yeah.
Being a grown-up is, uh...
complicated.
Maybe, if we make a wish at the same time
we could switch places.
You think? It's worth a try.
Okay.
What do we need to do?
We close our eyes and at the exact same time say,
"I wish I could switch places."
Ready?
One... two... three.
BOTH: I wish I could switch places.
♪ ♪
♪ I'll tell you what we need to do... ♪
Well?
I'm still here. You?
Same. That's too bad.
I really wanted to drive home.
(chuckles)
Can I anyway? Sure.
Really? No. (laughs)
♪ Hey! ♪
Please, can we keep her?
No, we cannot keep her.
We don't have a dog 'cause of Sheldon,
why can't I have Veronica?
I'm not participating in this conversation.
We could give Sheldon to Veronica's mom.
(doorbell rings) Like a trade.
VERONICA: I'll get it, Mrs. Cooper.
Look how helpful she is. Come on!
Out.
What do you want?
Grab your stuff, your mama wants you home.
Yeah, well, when she wants me
to come home, she can call me.
Damn it, Veronica.
I'm in no mood.
What's going on?
I'm taking her home.
She's not going anywhere with you.
(scoffs)
What'd you say? Clint, stop.
You mind putting down my kid?
(laughs) We were just playing around.
This is my mom's boyfriend, Clint.
Hello, Clint. What can we do for you?
I'm here to pick up Veronica.
Come on.
You want to go with this man?
No, sir.
You heard her.
Thanks for stopping by.
You really want to mess with me?
Sure.
Why not?
(thudding outside)
What's going on out there?
You might want to call the police. Why?
There's a bum sleeping on our front porch.
(birds chirping outside)
What's this?
"Connie Tucker is proud to announce
"that she is sweet on Dr. John Sturgis and they are
(laughs): officially a romantic couple."
Oh, boy!
I'm back in business! (laughs) couple."