Here we go. ADULT SHELDON: For many kids,
Christmas morning was the most exciting day of the year.
That's only because most kids don't know the joy
of getting their college midterms back.
It also didn't hurt that Dr. Sturgis looked like an elf.
("Deck the Halls" playing)
Nice work, Sheldon.
Now,
you'll notice that your grades are lower than expected.
That's because Sheldon did so well,
he broke the curve,
turning your A's and B's into B's and C's.
They don't seem happy about it.
Maybe you can give them candy.
(bells jingling)
♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪
♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪
♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪
♪ I am a mighty little man ♪
♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪
DALE: Okay. This is where I spend all my time,
yet somehow my ex-wife owns half of it.
Mm, not bitter at all. Good for you.
We got baseball over here and got football right there
and then hunting and fishing in the back.
Oh, yeah.
And this hockey puck has been here
since Jimmy Carter was president.
You'd think a sport with a bunch of white boys
beating each other up would be more popular in Texas.
(chuckles) So, you want to head out?
Oh, my grandson's been wanting some weights.
Sheldon?
Hell, can't he just lift a soup can or something?
The other grandson. The pretty one with the hair.
Ah. All right. Well, send him by.
We'll give him the family and friends discount.
How big a discount?
Well, uh, depends on, uh, how much fun we have tonight.
Are you putting a price on my affections?
Yeah, kinda.
You're gonna regret it.
I'm really fun.
(chuckling)
CRUSHER: ...fever down, try to let the body heal itself.
PICARD: Keep me advised. Picard out. (phone rings)
Captain, the neutrino...
Cooper residence.
Hello, Sheldon. Dr. Sturgis.
I'd love to talk to you, but I'm right in the middle
of Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a good one.
Geordi goes missing, but Wesley Crusher has a plan
to use neutrinos to locate him,
since they'd be visible to Geordi's visor.
I was actually calling to speak to your father.
But I'm glad you're having fun with your friends.
Hang on. I'll go get him.
Dad! Phone call!
ADULT SHELDON: Even though Dr. Sturgis was confused,
one day, Wesley Crusher really would be my friend.
Neat, huh?
(grunts)
Hey, John.
George. John Sturgis here.
That's why I said "Hey, John."
Great.
I was wondering if we could
go out for a beer and talk.
Oh. Well, aren't we talking right now?
Yes, but we had so much fun last time,
I thought we could do it again.
Gee, John, last time, you got drunk
and threw up in my glove compartment.
Did I? (laughs)
Well, while I don't remember any of that happening,
I promise to be on my best behavior.
And the drinks are on me.
Na zdrowie!
That's, uh, "to our health" in Russian.
(quietly): This is not the place to talk Russian.
So, what's up?
Well, Sheldon has been doing extraordinarily well
in his college physics class.
I know. He made me put his test up on the fridge,
next to Missy's drawing of her hand as a turkey.
So, uh, the university has taken notice of Sheldon's talents,
and they would very much like him
to enroll full-time.
(chuckles) Yeah, we've been down this road, John.
Sheldon's only ten.
Mary and I both have jobs. We just can't make it work.
Well, that's why they asked me to speak to you.
They're looking to sweeten the pot.
That's a gambling metaphor.
A lesser-known version is "sweeten the kitty."
I assume the difference is regional,
but I'm no etymologist.
This beer is yummy. Mmm!
So, what are they offering, John?
They thought it would be easier on the family
if you were employed at the university.
Really? Yes, that way,
you could drive Sheldon
and keep an eye on him while he's there.
But I'm a football coach.
Does the school even have a team?
Oh, yes, they do.
They-they don't win much,
but they lead the league in injuries.
Well, guess that's a thing.
Okay.
Anyway, I believe they're willing to, uh,
exceed your current salary by a substantial amount.
Is that so?
Yes.
They thought it would incentivize you.
Well, John, they're not wrong.
Excellent! (chuckles)
(quietly): Na zdrowie.
What the hell. (quietly): Na zdrowie.
How was Dr. Sturgis?
He's fine.
What did you two talk about?
I don't know. S-Stuff.
Science stuff?
No. Just regular stuff.
Ooh, I bet he talked about me. What did he say about me?
Sheldon, everything isn't about you.
Okay? Go to your room.
Yes, sir.
What'd y'all talk about?
Sheldon.
Oh.
(sighs)
The university wants to offer me a coaching job
if it'll help to get Sheldon to go there full-time.
Oh.
We talked about this.
College might be too much for him. I know.
That's why I'd be there, you know,
to help him over the rough spots.
I don't know, George.
Can't hurt to see what the offer is.
There are more important things than money.
That's cute. You should knit that on a pillow.
Maybe I'll push that pillow over your face.
Scuse me. You Mr. Ballard?
Yeah, that'd be me.
I'm Georgie, Connie Tucker's grandson.
Oh, yeah. The hair. Very pretty.
Hang on a second. I got to deal with this guy, okay?
Take your time. So,
here you go. Here's the rod you were asking about.
Now, that's a good choice.
Very solid. Mm. Mm.
And then I just brought this one along
to show you, just in case, later, you know,
you get serious about fishing.
Well... I'm pretty serious.
Yeah. You know, I-I had that feeling.
Wh-What's your name?
Jim. Jim.
Well, Jim, this rod is a little pricey.
It's double the cost of that one,
but it's worth every penny.
And, uh, it's the rod I use.
Well, then that's the one I want.
Well, that's a good choice.
There you go.
Now, with a rod like this, you want to use live bait,
and we don't carry that here.
But down the street is Ed's Bait and Tackle Shop.
And if you tell him Dale sent you, he'll take care of you.
I appreciate that.
So, take her over there to Bernice,
and she'll ring you up. Thanks.
DALE: Hey.
And-and bring me back some catfish.
JIM: You bet.
Yeah. You're a really good salesman.
Well, yeah. Not only that,
I get a kickback on everybody I send down to Ed's.
You're awesome.
I know.
Ooh. 35 cents off Goober.
What's Goober?
Peanut butter and jelly in the same jar.
Think about how much time we'd save.
GEORGE JR.: Hey.
Dale give you a good price
on those weights?
Better. He gave me a job.
Damn. He did have fun last night. (chuckles)
What kind of job? Salesman.
(gasps) Well, congratulations.
I'm gonna learn a lot from him. He's real good at getting people
to spend money on stuff they don't need.
Well, I don't know if I like the sound of that.
You know what I like the sound of? Ka-ching.
(chuckles) Well, thank you.
That's a very generous offer.
Let me discuss it with my family,
and I'll get back to you.
Bye.
What was that about?
Are you my family?
I don't know.
I like to think of myself as your work wife.
So, that's why I wanted to give you a heads-up.
I got to tell you, George, this is a real blow.
Appreciate it. But, uh, yeah, you'll find someone.
There's a lot of good coaches out there.
Not you. Sheldon.
Sheldon?
I thought everyone would be thrilled for him to leave.
(chuckles) Don't get me wrong,
your kid is a royal pain in the ass.
I have a problem with this permission slip.
You didn't cut them in half evenly.
Mine has two holes, and Derek here just has one.
Then trade.
Then Derek will have two holes,
and mine will have one.
You're not going to the water park anyway!
However, his state test scores are so extraordinary,
the school actually gets more funding because of it.
You serious?
Serious as the fire alarms,
which are now functional.
And always were, if anyone asks.
(sighs) I don't know what to tell you, Tom.
(stammers) They're offering me a pretty nice raise.
Well, I can't afford to lose Sheldon,
so what's it gonna take to keep y'all here, George?
(clears throat)
Thank you.
I will discuss it with my family and get back to you.
Good.
Bit of a kerfuffle at the church today.
Pastor Jeff promised Patricia Richards
she could sing "How Great Thou Art" on Sunday,
but I had already printed in the bulletin
that Karen Baker was gonna sing it.
They agreed to a duet, but it was
touch and go.
Mm. What's a kerfuffle?
Not that.
Hey.
Hey. How was your first day at work?
Amazing.
I made $38
on commissions alone.
Well, good for you.
What's for dinner?
Meat loaf.
Oh. I think I'm gonna go out to eat.
No, you are not.
We're having dinner as a family.
Yeah, but I got money now and I can do what I want.
And what I want is a chimichanga at Chi-Chi's.
I want a chimichanga from Chi-Chi's.
They do have a good margarita.
You are eating here. So are you.
I don't care what you do.
Later.
Georgie Cooper.
Do not walk out of that door.
Georgie!
That's a kerfuffle.
Missy, let this be a lesson to you.
The love of money is the root of all evil.
GEORGE SR.: Hey!
You would not believe the wheelin'
and dealin' I did today.
I'm playing the high school
and the university against each other. (laughs)
Hey, what do you say we go out to dinner?
Chi-Chi's is good.
Ooh, chimichangas.
I've asked you all here because we got a situation.
George Cooper's considering a job at a college and...
taking Sheldon with him.
Yes! Is it far away?
I hope it's far away. Maybe it's overseas.
Ooh, like Fiji. PETERSEN: Hold your horses.
If Sheldon walks out that door,
our test scores drop hard.
That affects funding, which affects your salaries.
Ugh. Well, how can we help?
Y'all need to make George and Sheldon so happy here
they want to stay.
Oh, come on.
Isn't there anything else we can do?
Yeah, Mr. Givens.
You could do a better job at teaching the other students
so we don't rely on one boy to pull up everyone's grades.
Fine. We'll be nice to Sheldon.
(sighs)
♪ I've been working for the big man ♪
♪ All the livelong day ♪
♪ I've been working for the big man ♪
♪ Just to wash my sins away. ♪ (knocking)
Hey, Mary. What's up?
Can I speak with you about a spiritual matter?
My sweet spot. Sit.
What's the buzz?
Tell me, what's a-happenin'?
(chuckles)
Jesus Christ Superstar.
It's a great show.
Well, um...
I'm concerned George and Georgie
might be succumbing to the sin of greed.
Ooh, that's a biggie.
Ever since Georgie started making money,
he's been very disrespectful.
Meanwhile, my husband's so busy trying to land a better job,
he doesn't even care how it might affect Sheldon.
I'm sorry to hear that.
In Luke 12:15, Jesus says, "Watch out.
"Be on your guard against all kinds of greed.
Life does not consist in an abundance of possessions."
I know, but it seems like the whole world
is sending the opposite message.
Don't I know it. Just the other day,
I was at the mall, and a toaster oven caught my eye.
Next thing you know, I was in line to buy it,
and I realized I have a toaster
and I have an oven. What am I doing?
Turns out Satan doesn't just hide out
in honky-tonks and casinos.
Sometimes he's in the appliance section of Sears.
Well, if it's everywhere, how can we fight it?
We may not be able to control the world,
but we can control our homes.
It's up to us to create an environment
where the sin of greed can find no purchase.
Is that what you've done in your home?
Well, I do make my toast vertically,
two slices at a time.
Take that, Satan. (chuckles)
♪ ♪
Then Geordi goes missing, but Wesley Crusher
has a plan to use neutrinos to locate him,
since they'd be visible to Geordi's visor.
Is that so?
It is.
I recorded the episode.
I'll show it to you tonight.
That's okay.
You did such a good job explaining it,
I feel like I saw it.
You're still seeing it.
What's this?
"Reserved for Coach Cooper."
(chuckles)
Would you look at that. They gave me
a parking spot right by the door.
Why?
I guess they're starting to appreciate
my talents around here.
Why?
("Money (That's What I Want)" by Barrett Strong playing)
Oh! There's my man.
Where?
You, silly.
I'm neither a man nor silly,
but all right.
(laughs) You're so funny, Sheldon.
Oh, well, that I am.
These are the flyers for the canned food drive.
And, Sheldon, you'll be happy to know,
I made sure they were cut perfectly,
so that each one has exactly one and a half holes.
But mine has half a hole on the top,
and Derek's here has half a hole on the bottom.
♪ The best things in life are free ♪
Ooh. (chuckles) What do we have here?
♪ But you can give them to the birds and bees ♪
Ooh. ♪ I need money ♪
♪ That's what I want ♪
♪ That's what I want... ♪
(sighs)
(chuckling)
Hey, how come you get to park by the door?
Don't bother me, Wayne. I'm sitting.
And you got a new chair, too?
(laughing)
♪ But your love don't pay my bills... ♪
Are we going to watch an educational film?
We're gonna watch Star Trek.
Star Trek in school? Wowie Zowie.
♪ That's what I want ♪ ♪ That's what I want... ♪
What's here?
♪ That's what I want... ♪
Ooh, a golden whistle.
What the hell is going on?
(whistle blows)
You wanted to see me?
When don't I want to see you, Sheldon? Come in.
I have something I'd like to give you.
This is a key to the faculty restroom.
No students allowed.
One person at a time.
And unlike the other restrooms,
this one gets cleaned every night.
♪ But what it don't get, I can't use... ♪
Thank you.
(chuckles) No, Sheldon.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
♪ That's what I want ♪
♪ That's what I want... ♪
It's all yours.
♪ That's what I want ♪ ♪ Gimme money... ♪
(TV playing quietly)
I think this show is teaching you bad lessons.
Don't worry. I'm a slow learner.
FEMALE VOICE (over TV): Fascinating.
Is that Goober? Where did you get that?
Georgie got it for me. He's rich now.
That is it!
I am taking this house back from the devil.
Hey.
("It's a Sin" by Pet Shop Boys playing)
ADULT SHELDON: I've been accused
of overreacting from time to time.
But perhaps it's hereditary, because look at my mommy go.
♪ It's a sin ♪
♪ Everything I've ever done ♪
♪ Everything I ever do ♪
♪ Every place I've ever been ♪
♪ Everywhere I'm going to ♪
♪ It's a sin ♪
♪ It's a, it's a ♪
Aw. ♪ It's a sin. ♪
GEORGE SR.: What happened to all our stuff?
Mom went nuts and took everything away.
How am I supposed to watch Professor Proton?
All my music and magazines are gone.
Where is your mother?
You want to explain yourself?
(sighs)
I am taking our house back from the forces of evil.
What's evil about Black Sabbath?
You're not helping.
Greed has entered into your hearts,
especially you two.
It has not.
Is that a gold whistle?
Huh? No.
It's... it's a gift.
Now, where's our stuff?
We want it back.
I'm not telling.
Mary, don't make me ask again.
Or what?
What?
Your daughter lost her mind and we want to watch TV.
But... Uh, Dale's coming over.
Great. Love that guy.
Okay, we got a problem.
I don't know what kind of
religious gobbledygook you're going through,
but it is starting to affect me.
Your hands aren't clean in this. I beg your pardon.
Your new friend Dale is encouraging Georgie
to be obsessed with money.
Your husband's no good at it.
You ought to be happy your son is.
George is no prize either.
Not worrying about what's right for Sheldon.
Well, what do you think is right for him?
Honestly?
(sighs) I don't know.
I know that he's bored in high school,
but he's just so young for college.
Well, it sounds like they're trying
to set George up there for him.
I know.
(sighs)
Maybe it's me.
Maybe I'm not ready for my baby to grow up.
No mother ever is.
(sighs)
I just want to keep my family safe.
I know.
But at some point, you got to let them go.
And then one day, if you're lucky,
they'll move across the street from you
and absolutely ruin your life.
Seriously, get those people out of my house. Okay.
ADULT SHELDON: Eventually, my mother relented
and returned our things with a few minor adjustments.
(music playing over TV)
What's The Moosewood Gang?
They solve mysteries while they learn about God.
Great.
ADULT SHELDON: Georgie got his music back.
♪ Jesus Christ ♪
♪ Superstar... ♪
What the hell is this?
ADULT SHELDON: And as for college,
my mother and father discussed it
and decided that ten was too young.
So I didn't start till the ripe old age of 11.
In the meantime... (toilet flushes)
...I had the key to one sweet bathroom.
♪ Superstar. ♪
And don't forget about our layaway options.
♪ ♪
Lord, give me strength.
I'm sorry, God. I'm weak. layaway options.