("Turkey in the Straw" plays nearby)
Ice cream.
Ice cream, Mom-- can I?
Sure. Ice cream!
Don't you need money?
I need money!
Thank you. Don't run!
Okay!
(exhales)
Shelly, you want ice cream?
MISSY: Ice cream!
All right.
Here you go.
And no runnin'.
In these loafers? Not a chance.
I was jokin'.
Okay.
ADULT SHELDON: It was turning out to be
the perfect Saturday.
The ice cream man had extra napkins.
I had tons of homework.
And I was about to enjoy an orange sherbet Push-Up,
which was the only kind of Push-Up
I could actually finish.
Then it all came crashing down.
(crash)
(ice cream splats)
There's no telling who could buy that house!
What if they have dogs?
What if they have birds?
What if they have both and the birds
learned to bark like dogs?
Sheldon, you're gettin' yourself all worked up.
For good reason-- that house is six feet away from my bedroom
window-- who knows what kind of smells could jump the gap?
Uh, cigarette smoke, a scented candle, a durian?
What's a durian?
A vile-smelling fruit of the genus Durio.
When did you smell that?
I haven't, and I'd like to keep it that way.
It might be nice.
It might be a family with kids your age.
I already live with a kid my age-- not a fan!
(slurps)
♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪
♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪
♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪
♪ I am a mighty little man ♪
♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪
(knocking)
What's up?
Can I talk to you about serious woman stuff?
Of course.
Is this a... iced tea conversation
or a hot tea conversation?
Definitely hot.
Uh-oh.
So what's goin' on?
(sighs)
I think I have a boyfriend.
Wow.
But you cannot tell Mom.
Oh, of course-- I love not telling your mother stuff.
So what-what-what's his name?
Marcus Adam Larson, he's 11 and a half,
he has blond hair, his favorite color's green
and he's learning how to skateboard,
but he's not very good yet.
Okay, well, I have to ask, now...
at your age, having a boyfriend, what does that mean?
Do you, uh... go out on dates?
No.
Um... well, d-do you hold hands?
I wish, but no.
So how do you know he's your boyfriend?
Because this happened.
Wow.
I didn't realize you had documentation.
I know.
Something suspicious is happening next door.
Like what?
Groups of strangers keep coming and going.
They must be using the house to sell drugs.
No one's selling drugs, they're just havin' an open house.
What's that?
They open up the house so people interested
in buyin' it can take a look.
That explains why 911 hung up on me.
ADULT SHELDON: I had no choice but to determine
if any of these prospective home buyers
would be suitable neighbors.
This shifty fellow?
He looks like trouble.
That woman and
whatever dark secret is hiding in her bag?
Probably a machete.
Oh, this lady seems promising.
(faint crying)
(baby crying)
Not on my watch.
MAN: Please look around.
If you have any questions, I'll be right here.
Excuse me, is there someone in charge here?
That would be me.
Mr. Lundy?
What are you doing here?
I'm the realtor.
But you're a teacher and an actor.
And while those both pay so well,
I like to do this on the weekends for fun.
(chuckles) Why are you here?
I live next door and I'm concerned
about who the new neighbor might be.
Don't you worry, I will personally make sure that
your new neighbor is whoever forks over the most money.
Thank you.
Wait.
So if you want to be his girlfriend
and he wants to be your boyfriend,
what's the problem?
He also plays baseball, and this weekend...
I have to pitch against him.
Yeah, so?
So if I strike him out, he might get mad and break up with me.
Well, why would he do that?
I've struck out a bunch of boys.
They all get real mad.
You're gonna pitch bad to him on purpose?
I was thinkin' about it.
That is not what you are gonna do.
You are gonna do your best, and if you strike him out,
he will respect you for it.
I don't know.
When I struck out Brian Morgan, he cried.
Now everyone calls him Cryin' Brian. (chuckles)
That's pretty funny.
Thanks, I started it.
(doorbell rings)
Mr. Lundy?
Come in.
What brings you here?
I'm the listing agent on the house next door.
But I thought you were a teacher and a--
And an actor, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got to get your son out of my open house.
Why, what's he doin'?
Well...
♪ This is my house... ♪
I noticed there's hair on your coat.
Clearly yours is falling out,
but do you also have pets?
♪ Get out there, that is my house... ♪
I detect a hint of garlic.
Do you enjoy cooking stinky foods
or are you afraid of vampires?
♪ You got to, you got to, you got to... ♪
Is there any chance you're just fat?
♪ ♪
Oh, dear, I'll go get him.
Thank you.
Kind of a dump.
But I could sell it.
♪ Get out, hey. ♪
Why are you reading about property code?
The house next door to mine is for sale,
and I'm looking for ways to control who moves in there.
When my family moved to Texas, they burned our fishing boat.
Tam, we're talking about my problems right now.
We usually are.
Ooh, listen to this: "A seller
"or seller's agent must disclose if a homicide
has occurred on the property."
Why is that helpful?
That could scare off any unwanted buyers.
Has there ever been a murder next door?
I sure hope so.
Hello, Officer Robin.
This is Sheldon Cooper.
What's wrong, Sheldon?
I was wondering if anyone was murdered
in the house next door to mine.
You mean murdered today?
No, ever, but today would work, too.
It'll take me a while to check.
That's fine, I can hold.
Tell Mr. Givens I may be a little late to class.
It's a police matter.
Sheldon's gonna be late.
Well, all right!
It's a police ma-- Don't care.
Yes, I'm still here.
Sorry, no murders.
Just one death from natural causes in
1948.
How can we be sure it wasn't foul play?
The man was 96 years old, Sheldon.
That's a lot of years to make enemies.
Bye.
(line clicks, dial tone sounds)
MEEMAW: So,
you playin' the Tigers on Saturday?
Should be an easy win.
Their best player's parents are getting a divorce.
He's pretty distracted.
Well, there's a lucky break.
I just hope it drags out through playoffs.
So how you feel about
not pitchin' Missy?
Why would I do that?
Well, she's growin' up
and she's going through some new stuff...
Oh, I don't want to hear about that.
No, no, no, she's--
she's got a crush on a boy on the other team,
and she's worried that if she strikes him out,
that it will embarrass him.
Well, that's too bad, she's our pitcher.
She's gonna do her job.
Well, she's also an 11-year-old girl with big feelings.
And I'm a cranky old man with no feelings.
Well, I've always thought that underneath that tough exterior,
there was a shred of compassion.
Yeah, I know what you're doing.
What am I doing?
You're using your feminine wiles to get your way.
Mm-mm-mm.
Smart and handsome.
You forgot tall.
Don't say that.
Never... say that.
Goonies...
never say die.
Well done.
Very moving.
And speaking of moving,
if any of your parents are in the market for a two-bedroom,
two-bath ranch-style with a updated kitchen,
have them give me a call.
(school bell rings)
All right, very good.
How about next week we try some monologues from actual theater?
Just a thought.
Mr. Lundy.
Oh, what now?
What happened with the open house
after you had me kicked out? Were there any potential buyers?
And if so, can I have their names so I can run
a background check with my friends in blue?
(chuckles) Sheldon, if you think you're gonna
stop me from selling this house, you're wrong.
Oh, am I?
They tried to stop me from staging The Crucible
on roller skates.
A lot of understudies went on that day...
but so did the show.
You do not want me as an enemy.
Or as a friend, sibling or student, I've been told.
All right, look, if it's so important to you,
why don't you just go out
and find a buyer that you'd be happy with?
So if I find someone I deem acceptable,
you'd sell them the house?
If the bank approves, so do I.
Excellent.
I wonder if Stephen Hawking would like Texas.
It's very flat.
Oh, I can't afford a house,
but I'm flattered you'd want me next door.
Of course I would. You don't have enough friends
to throw a party.
Yeah, well...
Neither-neither do you!
(chuckles): So, you think after seeing you every day at school,
I'd want to go home, look out my window
and see-see more of you?
Yes. Hey, maybe we could ride to school together.
We could play car games.
(laughing): Stop, you're killing me.
I'm sorry, why would I want to live next door to you?
Ask Mr. Givens.
Apparently, I'm hilarious.
That's sweet of you for asking,
but I'd rather
stick my finger in a pencil sharpener
and crank away.
I would love to, Sheldon,
but there's a district rule
that says a principal can't live next door to a student.
That makes sense.
Does it? Good.
Hey. Robin says the house
next door to y'all is for sale.
Oh, yeah, it is.
Is it nice?
Uh... nice enough.
Why? Are you thinking about moving?
I wasn't, but Robin's not crazy about living in a house
I shared with my ex-wife.
That's understandable.
I want her to be happy. 'Cause I love her.
Not just 'cause she's a cop with a gun. (chuckles)
But that's part of it. Well,
I'm sure there are lots of wonderful houses out there.
I'd be happy to help you look.
Do you not want us to look at the one next to you?
Oh, no, of course not.
You should absolutely look at it.
As well as other houses.
I have to say, this isn't the reaction I was expecting.
No, it is the reaction you were expecting.
(chuckles): Excited that my boss might live next door to me.
Yay!
Well, my boss lives everywhere,
and you don't see me getting weird about it.
And then after you buy the house, you rent it out
to people who are preapproved by me.
I can't afford a second house. Georgie,
you make as much money as Dad. Why don't you buy it?
He does not make as much money as me.
No. But I don't have to spend mine
on stupid stuff like food and kids.
Mary, where's dinner?
So, is that a yes to buying the house?
Sorry. When I move out, it ain't gonna be 20 feet away,
and it's got to have a hot tub.
MARY: Sheldon, you need
to stop involving yourself in this.
You upset Mr. Lundy,
and you were rude to the people at the open house.
And he was bugging his teachers at school all day.
But Mr. Lundy said I could help him.
I don't care.
Even Pastor Jeff is talking about buying that house now.
That could work out.
His wife's a police officer, so built-in security.
And whenever I have a theological zinger,
I can call it right over the fence.
You want your boss living next door?
Not exactly.
You don't have to worry
about your boss. There's a district rule that says
that Principal Petersen cannot live next door to me.
That sounds made-up.
A principal who tells lies.
What are we gonna do with this one?
Here's the payroll checks.
Thank you. If you need anything else,
I'll be in my office, which is next door.
Sorry it's so close. (sighs)
Lord, I am trying my best.
Please help me with this situation.
Amen.
I meant fix him, not me.
SHELDON: Excuse me,
Mr. Lundy. I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Oh. What's going on?
My mother has forbidden me from helping you sell the house.
That...
is beyond bad news.
I don't think I can do this alone.
I'm sorry. It's not me.
No, I know it's not.
Just enjoyed being in the trenches with you.
As did I.
All right, Sheldon, I...
I guess I'll see you in the halls.
Again, I'm sorry.
Me, too.
And scene.
Hey, uh, Cooper,
you know, I think I'm gonna have you sit this one out
and let Powell pitch.
Really? Yeah.
Kind of like to save your arm for the playoffs, okay?
Okay.
Do you want to save my arm, too?
No.
How about my legs?
You know, Billy, you never fail to brighten my day.
Cool.
Pastor Jeff, you got a second?
Of course.
I might've called before dropping in,
but that's just how I was raised.
I owe you an apology.
I was worried about us
working together
and then living next door to each other,
but I like you and Robin very much,
and if you want to look into that house,
we would be lucky to have you as neighbors.
Thank you. That's nice to hear.
I mean it.
Good, 'cause Robin already looked at it, loved it,
put up police tape so no one else could get in. (chuckling)
Okay.
Ball four.
Oh, damn it. (cheering and applause)
We're gonna lose.
Oh, we're gonna be fine.
Powell's got this.
I'll strike Marcus out.
Put me in.
Time!
I thought Marcus was your boyfriend.
Meemaw told you?
She's my girlfriend. You know, we talk about stuff.
So, all that about saving my arm for playoffs wasn't true?
I was just being nice.
Since when are you nice?
Well, don't get used to it.
Just go strike out your boyfriend.
Player change!
(claps) Come on, Cooper.
Good job.
Kind of.
Strike one!
Yes! Two more, Coop!
Two more! Come on.
I thought we were saving her arm.
Not now, Billy. Okay.
(cheering and indistinct shouting)
(groaning)
Foul ball!
Yeah, okay! You got this! (sighs)
UMPIRE: Strike two. DALE: Hang in there!
No coddle. Come on, Coop.
Bear down.
Strike three! Yeah!
UMPIRE: You're out! That's my girl!
Yeah!
Good job! Way to go!
(chuckling and indistinct chatter)
We won!
ALL: Good game. Good game.
Good game. Good game. Good game.
Good game.
("New Sensation" by INXS playing)
Where the hell is she going?
♪ Live, baby, live... ♪
Missy! Where you going?
♪ I got a new sensation ♪
♪ Well, so impossible to refuse ♪
(door opens)
He held my hand!
High five! Don't touch it!
♪ A new sensation. ♪
We've got some exciting news.
They accepted our offer on the house!
We're gonna be neighbors.
(Robin laughs) That's wonderful.
Come in, come in.
(door closes) What's going on?
It looks like Pastor Jeff and Robin
are gonna move in next door.
And that's not the only news.
We're expecting.
(laughs) Oh!
What a beautiful blessing!
Aw. Hey, Sheldon, maybe someday you can babysit for us.
(baby crying) ♪ Rock-a-bye, baby. ♪
Where you going? To apply for college.
When he sees the baby, he'll come around.
SHELDON: No, I won't.