1 00:00:01,460 --> 00:00:03,128 ADULT SHELDON: I'm very much a creature of habit. 2 00:00:03,211 --> 00:00:05,130 Perhaps it's a trait I got from my father. 3 00:00:05,213 --> 00:00:08,300 Every night he would go through the mail, and every night, 4 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:11,010 like clockwork, he would get very cranky. 5 00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:13,221 Damn bills. George. 6 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:16,934 ADULT SHELDON: You'd think he'd get used to it, 7 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:20,270 but night after night it upset him all over again. 8 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:22,773 Jury duty? Son of a... 9 00:00:22,857 --> 00:00:23,983 George. 10 00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:26,610 ADULT SHELDON: It was complicated. 11 00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:29,571 I didn't like seeing him upset, 12 00:00:29,655 --> 00:00:32,366 but what can you do? I love consistency. 13 00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:35,327 IRS? This can't be good. 14 00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:36,370 Sure it can. 15 00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:38,372 When is the IRS ever good? 16 00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:40,207 Perhaps they're writing to congratulate me 17 00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:42,626 on filing such a beautiful tax return. 18 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:45,629 What's it say? Okay. Not so bad. 19 00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,464 We owe four dollars and 22 cents. 20 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:48,716 What? 21 00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:49,717 That could've been worse. 22 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:50,718 Yeah, tell me about it. 23 00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:51,802 Let me see that. 24 00:00:51,886 --> 00:00:53,721 I'm gonna wash up for dinner. 25 00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:56,473 You realize they're wrong. My return was flawless. 26 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,934 I-It's four dollars. Forget it. 27 00:00:59,018 --> 00:01:00,811 But they're saying I made a mistake. 28 00:01:00,895 --> 00:01:04,773 You also got us a nice refund. You did a great job. 29 00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:06,191 ADULT SHELDON: I appreciated my mother's love, 30 00:01:06,274 --> 00:01:08,027 but what a boy really craves 31 00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:11,572 is the unconditional approval of a government agency. 32 00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:15,617 ♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪ 33 00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:18,412 ♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪ 34 00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:20,998 ♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪ 35 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,250 ♪ I am a mighty little man ♪ 36 00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:27,922 ♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪ 37 00:01:30,049 --> 00:01:32,342 ♪ ♪ 38 00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:38,015 Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mr. Falcon. 39 00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:41,060 Wait, who is Mr. Falcon? 40 00:01:41,142 --> 00:01:42,352 No one. 41 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:43,938 Then why'd he say it? 42 00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:46,189 Well, in the real version, he said a bad word, 43 00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:48,358 but they had to change it for TV. 44 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,944 TV is so lame. 45 00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:51,820 What did he really say? 46 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,575 That's so much better. 47 00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:58,953 This movie works on a lot of levels. 48 00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:01,622 Dad, I reviewed the tax return and I was right. 49 00:02:01,705 --> 00:02:03,791 They're the ones who made the mistake. 50 00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:06,085 Uh-- What are you doing? 51 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:08,253 Writing a check to the IRS. 52 00:02:08,336 --> 00:02:10,047 But we don't owe them anything. 53 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,966 They're claiming that I underreported our income, 54 00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:13,467 but I can prove that they're wrong. 55 00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:14,885 It's not worth picking a fight with them 56 00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:16,344 over a few bucks. 57 00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:18,346 Just let me call them, I can sort this out. 58 00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:20,975 Just drop it, we don't want to get on their radar. 59 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:22,684 But if you send that check, it's like admitting 60 00:02:22,768 --> 00:02:24,645 I made a mistake when I didn't. 61 00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:28,023 Sheldon, sometimes being right isn't the most important thing. 62 00:02:28,107 --> 00:02:30,776 I'm glad you feel that way, because, boy, are you wrong. 63 00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:33,445 We're done talking about this. 64 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:39,576 ADULT SHELDON: And there he goes, wrong again. 65 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,372 I'll have the rib eye, medium rare. 66 00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:45,666 And for you? 67 00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:47,918 Uh, just the house salad, please. 68 00:02:48,002 --> 00:02:50,169 Very good. 69 00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,713 House salad? 70 00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:53,172 You watching your figure? 71 00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:55,258 I have a physical tomorrow. 72 00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:58,428 Oh, so your plan is to start eating healthy now? 73 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,097 Can't hurt. 74 00:03:00,179 --> 00:03:03,600 It ain't gonna undo 70 years of red meat and beer. 75 00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:05,184 I'm not trying to undo it, 76 00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:07,521 I'm just trying to hide it under some lettuce. 77 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,110 Son of a Mitch. 78 00:03:13,192 --> 00:03:14,945 Melissa Cooper. 79 00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:16,571 What? I said "Mitch." 80 00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:18,448 There's nothing wrong with that. 81 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,160 But you meant another word. 82 00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:23,162 I'm sorry, what other word? 83 00:03:23,244 --> 00:03:24,663 Just watch it. 84 00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:26,957 Hold on. So you're saying if I have a friend 85 00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:28,291 whose dad's name is Mitch, 86 00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:30,335 I'm not allowed to talk about him? 87 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:31,670 I know what you're doing. 88 00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:34,631 Okay, I just feel bad for my friend. 89 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:37,051 That poor son of a Mitch. 90 00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:39,094 Melissa Cooper. 91 00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:42,806 How's that salad? 92 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:45,809 It sucks. How's your steak? 93 00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:47,519 You know how they overcook it sometimes 94 00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:48,812 so it's a little bit dry? 95 00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:49,938 Uh-huh. 96 00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:51,982 Not this time. It's so good. 97 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:54,151 You know what else is good? 98 00:03:54,233 --> 00:03:56,570 This radish. 99 00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,279 Would you like some steak? Yes. 100 00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,157 Then you probably should've ordered some. 101 00:04:00,239 --> 00:04:01,324 It's delicious. 102 00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:03,952 You are not a very nice lady. 103 00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:05,787 (softly): Mmm. 104 00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:12,920 MALE VOICE: Psst. Hey-a, kid. 105 00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:15,130 (grunts) Who is it? 106 00:04:15,214 --> 00:04:18,592 It's me. The envelope with the IRS check. 107 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,720 What do you want? 108 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,513 You can't let him send me. 109 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,890 You didn't make a mistake. 110 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:27,017 Oh, I know that, but it's too late. 111 00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:30,020 It's not. The check isn't due for 30 days. 112 00:04:30,104 --> 00:04:31,605 So? 113 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,398 Just go in the kitchen and take me off the pile. 114 00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:36,443 Buy yourself some time to straighten this out. 115 00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:39,654 But tampering with the mail is a federal offense. 116 00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:42,449 I'm not mail yet. I'm not in the mailbox. 117 00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:44,325 That's the law. 118 00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,995 But what if my dad notices you're missing? 119 00:04:47,079 --> 00:04:50,124 Do it after he leaves for work. He'll never know. 120 00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:51,792 That's brilliant. 121 00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:55,378 I'm not real, so technically, you thought of it. 122 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,547 That makes more sense. 123 00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,425 ADULT SHELDON: The next morning, I patiently waited 124 00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:03,137 for my father to leave for work. 125 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:06,098 ♪ ♪ 126 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:07,390 Are you leaving for work? 127 00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:09,476 Yeah? 128 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:11,186 See you. Bye. 129 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,690 Bye. 130 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,577 ADULT SHELDON: I leapt into action. 131 00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,913 My heart was pounding. 132 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:32,874 I don't know what kind of bladder control 133 00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:34,459 professional spies have, 134 00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:36,586 but this first-timer needed to pee pronto. 135 00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:45,137 I made a mistake, it was time to get the IRS to admit theirs. 136 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,429 IRS, Agent Green speaking. 137 00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:48,473 Hello, my name is Sheldon Cooper. 138 00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:50,517 Forgive me for cutting right to the chase, 139 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,894 but I'm outside and my skin is incredibly fair. 140 00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:55,105 Okay, how can I help you? 141 00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,024 You sent my family a bill saying we owe 142 00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:59,567 an additional four dollars and 22 cents, but you're mistaken. 143 00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:01,360 I filed a flawless return. 144 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:03,613 I'm sorry, how old are you? 145 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,657 That seems irrelevant, but I'm 11. 146 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,285 Your parents let an 11-year-old file their federal tax return? 147 00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:11,163 This year. Two years ago, they let a nine-year-old do it. 148 00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:14,208 Look, these tax codes are complicated. 149 00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:15,792 If you only made 150 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:18,253 a four dollar mistake, that's pretty impressive. 151 00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:20,755 I didn't make a mistake at all. You did. 152 00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:24,092 Is that so? Yes. 153 00:06:24,176 --> 00:06:27,179 But don't feel bad, these tax codes are complicated. 154 00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:28,805 Uh-huh. 155 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,560 Okay, I've got your file right here, and, uh, 156 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:36,563 looks like you underreported your income. 157 00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:38,481 Actually, if you check under charitable donations, 158 00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,567 you'll notice that the money we made 159 00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:42,485 at the garage sale did not count as taxable income 160 00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:44,403 because we donated it to the church. 161 00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:48,575 Well, I'll, uh, I'll have a look into that. 162 00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:50,202 In the future, you might consider doing that 163 00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:51,870 before you send out the letter. 164 00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:53,621 So how does this work? 165 00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:56,333 Do you apologize now, do I get it in writing? 166 00:06:57,625 --> 00:06:58,919 It's no big deal. 167 00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:00,295 It's a colonoscopy. 168 00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:02,005 So? So, 169 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,258 one of those words means "colon," and the other means 170 00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:06,551 "shoving a camera up it." 171 00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:08,803 Mm. I'm surprised you need one. 172 00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:10,847 Did you tell him about the salad? 173 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,182 It's not funny. 174 00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:13,975 Stop being such a baby. 175 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:17,854 Something I have pushed out of my body. You can do this. 176 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,107 Wait, wait, I got an idea. 177 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:22,025 Why don't we do it together? 178 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,402 What? 179 00:07:23,484 --> 00:07:25,028 No. Come on. 180 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,863 It'll be romantic. 181 00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:29,490 You're weird. 182 00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,034 MAN (over TV): Hey, kids. GEORGE SR.: What the hell? 183 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,786 Why are we getting audited? 184 00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:35,289 What? Are you sure it doesn't say "applauded"? 185 00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:36,790 Perhaps for a job well done? 186 00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:38,083 We're being audited for the last three years 187 00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:39,459 of our tax returns. 188 00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:40,961 I don't get it. 189 00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:43,088 I mailed in that check a week ago. 190 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,424 About that. I can explain. 191 00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:47,175 Sheldon? I just needed some time 192 00:07:47,259 --> 00:07:49,177 to prove there were no errors in my work. 193 00:07:49,261 --> 00:07:50,262 What did you do? 194 00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:51,596 I took the check 195 00:07:51,679 --> 00:07:53,514 before Mom mailed it. What? 196 00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,434 But I called the IRS and sorted things out. 197 00:07:55,516 --> 00:07:57,018 Clearly you didn't. 198 00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:58,603 I told you to let it go. 199 00:07:58,686 --> 00:08:00,605 I'm sorry. 200 00:08:00,688 --> 00:08:02,482 This could end up costing us a fortune. 201 00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:04,401 I can fix it. No. 202 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,320 I'm gonna hire an accountant and have him handle it right. 203 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,989 But I want to help. You've helped enough. 204 00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:10,824 Go to your room. 205 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,534 Yes, sir. 206 00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:22,002 (groans) (laughs) 207 00:08:22,085 --> 00:08:26,006 I feel bad beating you like this after you bought me drinks. 208 00:08:26,089 --> 00:08:28,549 Okay, I tell you what. You want to make it more interesting? 209 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,010 Sure. Okay, how about this? 210 00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:33,263 If I win, you get a colonoscopy with me. 211 00:08:33,347 --> 00:08:35,182 God, are you still on this? 212 00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:36,433 Come on, why not? 213 00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:38,477 'Cause I don't wanna. 214 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,354 Well, I don't wanna, either, but my doctor said I got to. 215 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:42,897 Well, my doctor didn't say nothing. 216 00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:44,149 When was the last time you saw him? 217 00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:46,151 I don't know, it's been a while. 218 00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:48,236 Yeah, well, like, "six months" a while, 219 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,613 "Watergate" a while? Drop it. 220 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:54,284 Uh, last time you saw him, were they using leeches? 221 00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:55,910 I'm about to take this pool cue 222 00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:58,579 and beat your doctor to the punch. 223 00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:00,207 Oh. That long, huh? 224 00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:03,043 Look, all I'm saying is you could use a checkup. 225 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:05,295 I feel fine. Okay. 226 00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:07,672 At your age, there's nothing wrong with going in... 227 00:09:07,755 --> 00:09:09,007 I'm not going to the doctor, 228 00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:10,884 so just... 229 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:13,220 mind your own business. 230 00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,596 ♪ The Texas honky-tonk blues. ♪ 231 00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,393 Why didn't you eat with us? 232 00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,978 I'm not hungry. Dad's mad at me. 233 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,563 Mom's not thrilled with me, either. 234 00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:24,605 Why? 235 00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:26,400 Mom made chicken, 236 00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,235 and I said chickens cluck a lot, 237 00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:29,986 so they should be called "cluckers." 238 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,946 And some chickens are moms, 239 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:33,573 so you could call them "mother..." 240 00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:34,574 I don't care. 241 00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:36,201 Mom sure did. 242 00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:37,618 What did you do wrong? 243 00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,787 I got Dad in trouble with the IRS. 244 00:09:39,871 --> 00:09:41,415 He has to hire an accountant, 245 00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,166 which could cost us a lot of money. 246 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:46,378 Dang, makes me not want to have kids. 247 00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:50,965 Hello. 248 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,800 Well, hey. 249 00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:54,135 Well, you missed it. 250 00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:56,137 Some old broad went nuts over there 251 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,598 and threw her pool cue on the table. 252 00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:00,475 She's crazy. Mm. 253 00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:01,935 Sorry. 254 00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:04,438 Well, you're not a fan of doctors, huh? 255 00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,565 They never have good news. 256 00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:09,734 They just want to find something wrong. 257 00:10:09,817 --> 00:10:11,736 It's kind of their job. 258 00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:13,738 If something's wrong with me, 259 00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:15,782 I don't want to know about it. 260 00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,117 That's dumb. 261 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,659 No, it's not. 262 00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,828 If I'm gonna drop dead, I'd rather do it quick 263 00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:23,123 and leave lookin' good. 264 00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:24,791 I want to live so long 265 00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:27,210 I start looking like a mummy. (chuckles) 266 00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:28,753 You're off to a strong start. 267 00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:30,505 Hey. (chuckles) 268 00:10:30,589 --> 00:10:33,550 My husband went to the doctor. 269 00:10:33,632 --> 00:10:35,635 And they found something. 270 00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:37,554 Two days later, he was in surgery. 271 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,556 Nine months later, he was dead. 272 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:41,933 Geez. 273 00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:45,645 I don't want that. 274 00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:48,815 And I, I don't want 275 00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:51,526 to put anybody else through that. 276 00:10:51,610 --> 00:10:52,986 I'm sorry. 277 00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:54,571 Mm. 278 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,740 I hope you stick around long enough 279 00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,326 to start looking like a mummy, too. 280 00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:00,494 (chuckles) 281 00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:02,036 I always pictured myself 282 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,289 more the Bride of Frankenstein type. 283 00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:06,958 Well, you got the hair for it. 284 00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:13,131 So how's it look? 285 00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:15,049 Do I owe a lot of money? I don't have a lot of money. 286 00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:17,051 Mm-hmm, I can see that. 287 00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:19,554 Who did these? 288 00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:21,806 Why? 289 00:11:21,889 --> 00:11:23,183 Is it that bad? 290 00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:24,559 They're impeccable. 291 00:11:24,643 --> 00:11:26,186 Oh... 292 00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:27,686 Actually, it was my son. 293 00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,897 Well, why don't you just use him for the audit? 294 00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:31,941 He's 11. 295 00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,194 An 11-year-old did these? 296 00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:35,820 Actually, he might've been nine at the time. 297 00:11:35,903 --> 00:11:37,989 I'm not good with birthdays. 298 00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,578 Hey. 299 00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:45,539 Hello. 300 00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:46,914 Playing with your trains? 301 00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:48,375 I'm punishing myself by looking at them, 302 00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:50,335 but not allowing myself to run them. 303 00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:52,170 You don't have to punish yourself. 304 00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:54,214 Because you'd rather do it? That's fair. 305 00:11:54,297 --> 00:11:56,466 No. 306 00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:58,343 It's okay. I deserve it. 307 00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:01,596 Actually... 308 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:04,182 I want you to represent us at the audit. 309 00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:05,975 But I messed everything up. 310 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,519 You did. 311 00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,145 But I also know if anyone's smart enough 312 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,481 to get us out of this, you are. 313 00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:14,984 Why'd you change your mind? 314 00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:17,195 No reason. 315 00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:19,155 What did the accountant say? 316 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,699 Nothing. 317 00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,825 They said my returns were perfect, didn't they? 318 00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:26,120 Play with your trains. 319 00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,628 Why are you readin' the Bible? 320 00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:35,171 I felt bad about last night, 321 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:37,215 so I thought it might be good for me. 322 00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:39,509 Where are you going with this? 323 00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:41,636 Nowhere, I just want to make you happy. 324 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,597 Uh-huh. 325 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:44,972 "And the man increased 326 00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:47,350 "exceedingly, and had much cattle, 327 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,227 "and maidservants, and menservants, 328 00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:52,480 and camels, and asses." Okay. Stop. 329 00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:54,815 What? I'm just reading from Genesis. 330 00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:57,277 Well, cut it out. Fine. 331 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,945 Let's try Exodus. 332 00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:00,238 "And on the seventh 333 00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,115 "day thou shalt rest: 334 00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:05,326 that thine ox and thine ass may rest." 335 00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,994 That is it, you are grounded. 336 00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:08,580 For reading the Bible? 337 00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:10,624 The way you are doing it, yes. Go to your room. 338 00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,125 Okay. 339 00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:13,627 I don't have a donkey. 340 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,462 But if I did, I'd take my ass out of here. 341 00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,422 GEORGE SR.: Hello. 342 00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:20,258 I'm George Cooper. This is my son Sheldon. 343 00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:21,800 Yes, we spoke on the phone. 344 00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,637 You look exactly like you sound. 345 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,096 Not everybody does. 346 00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:27,056 Should we get started? Yes. 347 00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:31,269 ADULT SHELDON: I realize some people 348 00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:33,647 may find the ins and outs of tax law 349 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:37,442 a little tedious, so allow me to spice this story up. 350 00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:40,111 Instead of an audit, imagine this is a showdown 351 00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:43,114 between two warriors in the most brutal 352 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:45,659 and exciting form of combat there is... 353 00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:47,452 chess. 354 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,162 ♪ ♪ 355 00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,414 Am I the only one who just got chills? 356 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,750 Let's start with the business deductions 357 00:13:53,832 --> 00:13:56,336 from Schedule A on the tax return dated 358 00:13:56,419 --> 00:13:58,045 1989. 359 00:13:58,129 --> 00:14:00,381 ADULT SHELDON: I know, bold opening move. 360 00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:02,509 Don't worry, I came to play. 361 00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:03,842 Happy to. 362 00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:05,595 I've got those receipts right here. 363 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,305 Dated, highlighted... 364 00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:09,015 and itemized. 365 00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:11,559 ADULT SHELDON: Told you. 366 00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:13,936 ♪ ♪ 367 00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:17,982 For the next three hours, we battled it out. 368 00:14:18,065 --> 00:14:19,400 Two mighty brains 369 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:22,570 locked in mortal tax code combat. 370 00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:24,238 ♪ ♪ 371 00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,700 Justify this expense. 372 00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:30,203 Our AGI was less than 50,000. 373 00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:32,497 Improper classification. 374 00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:34,791 Rolled over from the previous fiscal year. 375 00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:38,961 The receipt has barbecue sauce on it. 376 00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,255 Dad. Sorry. 377 00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:46,010 So you are 378 00:14:46,093 --> 00:14:48,179 remarkably well-versed in the tax code. 379 00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:49,514 Thank you. It's nice of you 380 00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:50,640 to do your parents' returns 381 00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:51,808 for free every year. 382 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,351 Oh, I don't do it for free. 383 00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:55,936 My dad buys me a model train afterwards. 384 00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:57,814 Interesting. 385 00:14:57,938 --> 00:14:59,607 So you accept payment 386 00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:01,818 even though you're not a licensed tax professional? 387 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,111 ♪ ♪ 388 00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,532 In clear violation of federal law. 389 00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:11,202 Check. 390 00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,455 ADULT SHELDON: I had walked right into his trap. 391 00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,876 Excuse me, I need to use the restroom. 392 00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:20,670 (chuckles softly) 393 00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:25,383 So, catch that Cowboys game last... 394 00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:27,552 No. Yeah. 395 00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:30,388 (phone rings) 396 00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:31,556 Ballard's. 397 00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:34,308 Hello. Hey, what's up? 398 00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:36,603 You'll be happy to know I went out and got a checkup. 399 00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:38,521 Fantastic. 400 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,106 Yeah, great, just great. 401 00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:42,108 And now you can shut up about it. 402 00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:43,443 Well, how'd it go? 403 00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:44,819 Good news, bad news. 404 00:15:44,903 --> 00:15:47,321 Uh-oh. Good news is I'm fine. 405 00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:49,908 Well, now, isn't that comforting to know? 406 00:15:49,990 --> 00:15:51,409 Don't be smug. 407 00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:52,869 So what's the bad news? 408 00:15:54,036 --> 00:15:55,789 He wants me to have a colonoscopy. 409 00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,123 Great! 410 00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:58,999 Oh, my gosh, we can do it together! 411 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,669 Can't you just feel the romance? 412 00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,671 No, you weirdo. 413 00:16:03,755 --> 00:16:05,172 (chuckles) 414 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,302 There you are. 415 00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:10,929 Hey, we're waiting on you. 416 00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:13,306 I want to go home. 417 00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:14,766 What are you talking about? 418 00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:16,267 We're not done yet. 419 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:17,602 Yes, we are. 420 00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:19,019 I made a mistake that's gonna cost us 421 00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:21,355 a lot of money that we don't have. 422 00:16:21,439 --> 00:16:23,107 I feel so stupid. 423 00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:27,487 Hey. 424 00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:29,864 It's okay to feel stupid. 425 00:16:29,948 --> 00:16:31,616 No, it's not. 426 00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:33,952 It just means you're growing. 427 00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:36,162 If you don't look back and think you were dumb, 428 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,498 then you, then you haven't learned anything. 429 00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:40,458 So what do we do? 430 00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:41,835 We get back in there. 431 00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,002 What if we lose? 432 00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:44,754 Doesn't matter-- win or lose, 433 00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:46,673 we don't give up, all right? 434 00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:48,090 Now let's get in there and show 'em 435 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,008 what we're made of-- what do you say? 436 00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:52,428 I've heard you give that exact same pep talk at football games. 437 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,180 Well, I didn't have a special one prepared. 438 00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:55,640 That's all right. 439 00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:57,433 I feel properly pepped. 440 00:17:04,022 --> 00:17:05,566 So... 441 00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,401 where were we? 442 00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:11,447 Check. 443 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,033 It's true. 444 00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:16,744 I made a mistake. 445 00:17:16,828 --> 00:17:19,288 But my dad taught me that's okay. 446 00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:23,041 Wait. 447 00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:24,794 My dad's a teacher. 448 00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:28,130 Which means, my doing our taxes wasn't work for-hire, 449 00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,967 but an economics lesson he was teaching me. 450 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,427 ♪ ♪ 451 00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:36,430 Therefore, the train he bought me wasn't payment 452 00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:38,725 for unlicensed work, it was a reward 453 00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:40,977 for successfully completing my lesson. 454 00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:46,566 So it does not violate the statute, 455 00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:49,151 and since the value of the train is less than $10,000, 456 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,278 there's no additional gift tax. 457 00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:54,323 Checkmate. 458 00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:59,161 (sighs) 459 00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:03,457 (applause) 460 00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:06,711 Well, I guess that wraps it up. 461 00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:09,547 Is it over? What happened? 462 00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:10,673 We won. 463 00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,508 Wait, we don't owe anything? 464 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,092 No, your returns are all in order. 465 00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:15,636 Well done. 466 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:16,888 Thank you. 467 00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,305 Your son's extremely intelligent. 468 00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:20,474 Yep. I hope you audit us next year, 469 00:18:20,558 --> 00:18:22,018 so I can run circles around you again. 470 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,020 Until he says something stupid. Let's go. 471 00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:32,403 (gags) (grunts) 472 00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:33,988 I can't believe we have to drink 473 00:18:34,072 --> 00:18:35,990 so much of that garbage. (sighs) 474 00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:39,118 Well, the important thing is, we get to do it together, dear. 475 00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:41,746 You are so full of crap. 476 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:45,583 Well, not for much longer. 477 00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:48,086 Excuse me, the festivities have begun. 478 00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:50,129 You're taking that whole thing with you? 479 00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:52,966 I'm gonna be a while. le thing with you?