1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:02,419 ADULT SHELDON: Scientific rivalries 2 00:00:02,461 --> 00:00:04,463 are a fact of life. 3 00:00:04,546 --> 00:00:06,381 When two competing scientists work on a project, 4 00:00:06,465 --> 00:00:08,509 it can devolve into an intellectual boxing match. 5 00:00:08,592 --> 00:00:10,552 Over the years, there's been a few classic heavyweight bouts. 6 00:00:10,636 --> 00:00:12,888 -Newton and Leibniz. - (bell ringing) 7 00:00:12,972 --> 00:00:14,640 Tesla and Edison. 8 00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:17,643 And in a lesser-known but equally brutal bout... 9 00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:20,354 ANNOUNCER: Linkletter versus Sturgis, 10 00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:22,648 The Tussle with No Muscle. 11 00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:25,066 Let's see how they stack up 12 00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:26,777 in a tale of the tape. 13 00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:31,072 In the wire frame glasses, the Eureka from Topeka, 14 00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:33,784 Grant Linkletter. 15 00:00:34,869 --> 00:00:37,078 IQ: 159. 16 00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,581 Papers published: 272. 17 00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:41,750 Bedtime: 8:30. 18 00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:44,169 And his opponent, 19 00:00:44,252 --> 00:00:46,421 in his favorite sensible shoes, 20 00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,841 The Brain from Maine, 21 00:00:48,924 --> 00:00:52,845 John Burgess Sturgis! 22 00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:55,931 IQ: 162. 23 00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:58,642 Papers published: 221. 24 00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:01,311 Bedtime: 7:45 on weekdays, 25 00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,689 9:00 on Saturday night. 26 00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:08,652 Fasten your thinking caps and let's get it on. 27 00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:11,196 The free-streaming length of the axion is too long. 28 00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:13,657 It'll erase the fluctuations. 29 00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:15,075 You're completely forgetting 30 00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:17,036 that it is nonrelativistic dark matter. 31 00:01:17,118 --> 00:01:18,704 You'll never have the resolution 32 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,455 to see microkelvin features. 33 00:01:20,539 --> 00:01:23,250 I think your brain is as smooth as the top of your head. 34 00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,002 Low blow, Grant. 35 00:01:25,084 --> 00:01:27,796 He's right, gentlemen, let's keep it to science. 36 00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:30,340 You'll never have the resolution 37 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,175 to see microkelvin features. 38 00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:35,262 ♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪ 39 00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:38,057 ♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪ 40 00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:40,642 ♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪ 41 00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:42,895 ♪ I am a mighty little man ♪ 42 00:01:42,978 --> 00:01:47,566 ♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪ 43 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:57,284 I cannot work with that creepy little know-it-all one more day. 44 00:01:57,367 --> 00:02:00,621 I-I'm sorry, but are we talking about Sheldon or Sturgis? 45 00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:04,165 Sturgis. Well, both, but mostly Sturgis. 46 00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:07,002 He's not interested in anyone else's input. 47 00:02:07,086 --> 00:02:09,254 I-I'm sorry, Sheldon or Linkletter? 48 00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:10,255 Linkletter. 49 00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:12,591 Ah, got it. Continue. 50 00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:13,634 Well? 51 00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:14,885 But I thought you wanted 52 00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:16,971 Dr. Sturgis on this project. 53 00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,347 I'll admit John has been useful, but now 54 00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:20,975 he's just slowing us down. 55 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:23,060 Well, he keeps Sheldon happy, 56 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,729 and when Sheldon's happy, he's not in this office. 57 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:28,315 Well, but when he's not in your office, he's in my office. 58 00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:30,609 Eh, "dem's da breaks." (chuckles) 59 00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,111 I was brought in to help 60 00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:34,905 but Dr. Linkletter doesn't value my input. 61 00:02:34,989 --> 00:02:37,992 Oh, I hear you. That must be tough. 62 00:02:38,075 --> 00:02:41,620 Ever since he was brought back, he contradicts everything I say. 63 00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:44,581 I hear you. That must be tough. 64 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,291 There was a time when their arguing brought out 65 00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:48,585 the best in them, but now it's just hindering our work. 66 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,754 I hear you. That must be tough. 67 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,131 Thank you for understanding. 68 00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:54,341 And between us, 69 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:57,511 I am counting on you being in charge. 70 00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:58,804 Excellent. 71 00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:01,264 You're the alpha dog on this project. 72 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,683 Very good. 73 00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:05,060 But shouldn't we tell everyone? 74 00:03:05,144 --> 00:03:08,313 Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't be seen as playing favorites. 75 00:03:08,396 --> 00:03:12,191 But what's important is that I know and you know. 76 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,234 Smart. 77 00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:14,361 But not as smart as you. 78 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:15,946 Oh. (laughs) 79 00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:18,991 Which is why, uh, just between us, 80 00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:22,786 I am counting on you to keep the train on the tracks. 81 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,621 Well, I appreciate the vote of confidence. 82 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,790 -And the sweet train metaphor. -Well, good. 83 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,709 You know, I just want you to be happy. 84 00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:31,336 I guess in a way I'm kind of like the son you never had. 85 00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:32,880 Sure. 86 00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:34,089 Which is nice, because you're far too old 87 00:03:34,173 --> 00:03:35,465 to have children now. 88 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:36,925 (laughs softly) 89 00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:38,844 And you make me feel okay about that. 90 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:40,595 Wait. 91 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:44,641 $20 on pump four, please. 92 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,727 You got it. 93 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,937 Here you go. 94 00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:51,314 What's this? 95 00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:52,858 Promotion for the new lottery. 96 00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,860 Every ten gallons, you get a free scratcher. 97 00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:56,820 Oh, I don't believe in gambling. 98 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:57,905 Great, I'll take it. 99 00:03:57,988 --> 00:03:59,031 Oh, I don't believe 100 00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:00,199 you should be gambling, either. 101 00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:01,408 So, you don't want it? 102 00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,160 -No. -Then I'm scratching it. 103 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,829 Sorry. Not on my watch. 104 00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,916 You can thank me in heaven. 105 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,420 (stammers) 106 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,089 What's this formula? 107 00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,757 This wasn't here yesterday. 108 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,051 Dr. Linkletter added it after you left. 109 00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:20,761 Was he trying to be funny? 110 00:04:20,844 --> 00:04:23,513 He was giggling at your "feebleminded math." 111 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,639 His words. 112 00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:26,225 He's trying to approximate 113 00:04:26,307 --> 00:04:28,852 the cosmic background radiation by setting it 114 00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:34,482 at one Rydberg over Z, and my math is feebleminded? 115 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,610 (laughs) 116 00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:38,820 What do you think you're doing? 117 00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:41,281 I'm changing the estimate 118 00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:44,367 to Robert Dicke's value of 45 kelvin. 119 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:47,037 I wasn't here the last time he went off his rocker. 120 00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:48,496 Is this what it looked like? 121 00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:51,125 I'm perfectly sane, and I'm telling you, 122 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,627 Dicke's estimate is the way to go. 123 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,129 And I'm telling you we need to use 124 00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:57,631 one Rydberg over Z, and that is final. 125 00:04:57,714 --> 00:05:01,301 Oh, is it, you albino beanpole? 126 00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:02,469 Dr. Sturgis. 127 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:05,472 He impugned my mental stability. 128 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,933 Fair enough. Your insult stands. 129 00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:10,560 Thank you. Beanpole. 130 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,700 Ooh. 131 00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:28,578 Oh, man. 132 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,497 God, I swear I'll never ask 133 00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:33,083 for anything again, just one more 500. 134 00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:34,751 Thank you. 135 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,920 Melissa Cooper, what are you doing with that? 136 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,630 I found it. 137 00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:41,340 Well, it is mine, and I threw it away for a reason. 138 00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:44,303 It's mine now, and I might win 500 bucks. 139 00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:46,345 Oh, no, you won't. 140 00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:47,848 -I'll split it with you. -No. 141 00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,390 Why are you being so lame? 142 00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:51,476 Because money does not buy happiness. 143 00:05:51,559 --> 00:05:54,688 (sighs) Fresh Prince seems pretty happy. 144 00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:57,065 It is not his money, it's his Uncle Phil's! 145 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,777 (sighs) 146 00:06:12,413 --> 00:06:14,082 (exhales) 147 00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:19,754 (gasps) 148 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,840 Half of that's mine. I prayed for it. 149 00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,258 Go to your room. 150 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:27,512 You're wasting valuable time. 151 00:06:27,595 --> 00:06:28,805 I'm not, you are. 152 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,098 Gentlemen, if we could please keep 153 00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:31,474 this train on the tracks... 154 00:06:31,599 --> 00:06:33,060 We'll be on track if we follow my plan, 155 00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,895 so I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist. 156 00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:36,271 Insist? 157 00:06:36,355 --> 00:06:38,023 You're not the alpha dog around here. 158 00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:39,149 I agree. 159 00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:40,692 This may be hard for both of you 160 00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:43,737 to hear, but President Hagemeyer put me in charge. 161 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,947 I know for a fact that isn't true, 162 00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:48,658 because she put me in charge. 163 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,578 We may have a problem. 164 00:06:52,411 --> 00:06:53,663 What can I say? 165 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,332 I tried something. (laughs softly) 166 00:06:58,543 --> 00:06:59,836 So you really thought 167 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,004 you could tell us we were all in charge 168 00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:02,589 and we wouldn't figure it out? 169 00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:04,591 Well, in my defense, I said to each of you, 170 00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:06,593 "Let's keep this between us." 171 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:10,055 I'm a little disappointed that you broke my trust. 172 00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:11,973 That is true. We're sorry. 173 00:07:12,057 --> 00:07:14,475 Don't apologize for that. We were being manipulated. 174 00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:15,977 You were the one who blabbed first. 175 00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:17,604 That's because you kept slowing us down 176 00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,147 with your outmoded ideas. 177 00:07:19,231 --> 00:07:20,982 Gentlemen, if we could just follow my plan... 178 00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:22,359 No. No. 179 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,278 Well, I hope that you're starting 180 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:27,406 to see the challenge I faced putting any of you in charge. 181 00:07:27,488 --> 00:07:28,407 You're right, we're sorry. 182 00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:30,617 -Stop that. -Sorry. 183 00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:31,993 Well, we can't move forward 184 00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:34,079 until a project leader is chosen. 185 00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:35,580 He's right, I'll do it. 186 00:07:35,663 --> 00:07:37,457 -You're a child. - You're a child. 187 00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:38,666 Oh, you're all children. 188 00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,752 Sorry. Sorry. 189 00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:43,755 Well, who's it gonna be? 190 00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:45,673 Gentlemen, I'm Dr. Carol Lee, 191 00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:48,927 director of the new experimental cosmology center. 192 00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:51,346 What makes you qualified to lead our project? 193 00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:53,014 -Yeah. -Yeah. 194 00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:56,351 Well, I have a PhD in physics from Berkeley, 195 00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:58,812 I worked at IBM's Watson Research Center 196 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:00,647 as lead of the materials research group, 197 00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:02,857 and I raised three little boys, 198 00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,318 which I understand 199 00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:06,403 you've been acting like. 200 00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:09,823 Sounds like she can handle it. 201 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:11,825 Dear Lord, please forgive me. 202 00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:13,493 I shouldn't have finished that scratcher. 203 00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,370 That was wrong. 204 00:08:15,454 --> 00:08:20,750 But now that I have the money, my family could really use it. 205 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,378 I know. Gambling is a sin. 206 00:08:23,462 --> 00:08:26,506 Although, I didn't buy the scratcher, 207 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,716 so is that even gambling? 208 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,969 Why is Missy saying we're rich? 209 00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:36,224 I suggest we mount a radio telescope on the roof 210 00:08:36,308 --> 00:08:37,642 so that we can get a good read 211 00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:39,853 on the fluctuations in radiation. 212 00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:41,480 Excellent. 213 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:44,149 We'll pick a small region of the sky and drill down. 214 00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:46,151 Whoa, whoa, pump your brakes. 215 00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:48,945 We need at least a 45-square-degree sector 216 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:52,073 of the sky in order to take any meaningful readings. 217 00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:53,616 That's ridiculous. What we need to do is cut 218 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,994 a single linear section across the horizon. 219 00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:58,372 No, if we don't focus, we won't get any useful data. 220 00:08:58,455 --> 00:08:59,914 I suggest 20 arc minutes max. 221 00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:02,501 The trick is to pick a good spot. 222 00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:05,628 You want a trick? Go see David Copperfield. 223 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:07,130 How about I make you disappear? 224 00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:09,674 Do I need to separate you? 225 00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:13,761 Or can we try to put our minds together 226 00:09:13,845 --> 00:09:16,348 for the advancement of science? 227 00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:18,641 The second one. 228 00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:21,186 I know you're new here, ma'am, but this is our process. 229 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,104 They argue, I swoop in and save the day. 230 00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:25,482 It may seem unorthodox to you, however... 231 00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:28,860 The-the second one. 232 00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:32,447 I'm gonna tell you right now, we can't keep it. 233 00:09:32,531 --> 00:09:35,700 It's not a puppy, Mary, it's 500 bucks. 234 00:09:35,783 --> 00:09:37,202 It is gambling. 235 00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:38,912 Then why'd you buy the ticket? 236 00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:41,664 I didn't buy it. They gave it to me at the gas station. 237 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:45,252 Okay, well, that sounds like a gift from God. 238 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,586 You don't want to make Him mad. 239 00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:48,880 That is not how God works, George. 240 00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:51,425 What if he wanted you to have it to give to the Church? 241 00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,218 Well... 242 00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:55,470 Well, uh, based on that, what if he wanted you to have it 243 00:09:55,554 --> 00:09:57,722 -so we could buy stuff? -George. 244 00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:00,517 All I'm saying is, we work hard, we're good people. 245 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,394 Maybe we deserve this. 246 00:10:05,646 --> 00:10:07,732 I guess a dishwasher might be nice. 247 00:10:07,815 --> 00:10:09,817 There you go. Get a dishwasher. 248 00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:11,986 I don't know. I'll think about it. 249 00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:14,781 What's to think about? Have some fun for once. 250 00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:16,657 Ooh, we getting something fun with the money? 251 00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,285 We're talking about a dishwasher. 252 00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:20,537 When did your dreams die? 253 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,164 -When we had kids. -George. 254 00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:27,419 I was carrying pulsers 75 feet up 255 00:10:27,502 --> 00:10:29,421 a wet metal ladder 256 00:10:29,504 --> 00:10:30,922 when there was an earthquake. 257 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:34,259 (chuckles) So, I am hanging on for dear life... 258 00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:36,844 Ooh, we should set up several radio telescopes 259 00:10:36,928 --> 00:10:39,556 on different rooftops in an array. 260 00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:44,102 You speak Mandarin. 261 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,363 I heard my name. What are they saying? 262 00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:57,782 I don't speak Mandarin. Just a little French. 263 00:10:57,865 --> 00:10:59,826 Oh, really? 264 00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:04,664 Ha! 265 00:11:06,874 --> 00:11:08,418 (laughter) 266 00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:11,045 Well, does anyone here speak Klingon? 267 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:21,097 -Dr. Lee? -Sheldon. 268 00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:22,890 May I have a moment of your time? 269 00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:24,851 Of course, come in. 270 00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,561 Sit. 271 00:11:26,645 --> 00:11:28,771 How can I help you? 272 00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:32,150 I feel like my contributions aren't being taken seriously. 273 00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:35,362 Oh, well, I'm sorry you feel that way, 274 00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:38,281 but I'm listening to everyone's contributions. 275 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,116 But you're not taking any of mine. 276 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,994 No. But Drs. Linkletter and Sturgis 277 00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:45,664 seem happy with the direction we're headed. 278 00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:47,832 Well, I think it's because 279 00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:50,877 you're using your feminine wiles. 280 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,463 And what exactly do you think that means? 281 00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:55,340 I'm not sure, but you are wearing lip gloss 282 00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,551 and seem to have good hygiene. 283 00:11:57,634 --> 00:12:00,011 And if you're trying to use them on me, it's not going to work. 284 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:02,222 Sheldon, I assure you 285 00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:04,057 that I'm just trying to do 286 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:05,433 what's best for the project. 287 00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,143 Excellent, then you'll want to set up 288 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,853 several telescopes in an array. 289 00:12:08,936 --> 00:12:11,856 I hear you, but... ghobe'. 290 00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:15,235 Wait, that's "no" in Klingon. Do you speak Klingon? 291 00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:16,570 I looked up that one word. 292 00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:19,656 I had a feeling it would come in handy. 293 00:12:19,738 --> 00:12:21,866 (grunts) 294 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:27,121 Ooh, look at the Ultra-Clean Two. 295 00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:29,082 It's got five washing cycles. 296 00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:31,918 I don't know, George, these are really expensive. 297 00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:35,213 You won the money. Spend it. 298 00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:38,341 Maybe we should just get a more affordable one. 299 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:42,095 Everything we do is affordable. Uh... splurge for once. 300 00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,680 It's so extravagant. 301 00:12:43,762 --> 00:12:45,056 (laughs) You'd think we were talking about 302 00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:46,307 buying a party boat. 303 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,602 It's a dishwasher, for crying out loud. 304 00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:52,355 But the way we got the money, it just doesn't feel right. 305 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,733 So you're telling me you're never okay 306 00:12:54,815 --> 00:12:56,526 with bending the rules once in a while? 307 00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:59,237 That's not how being a Christian works. 308 00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,282 Good to know. 309 00:13:03,782 --> 00:13:04,992 What are you doing? 310 00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:07,245 Oh, just helping you be a good Christian. 311 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,332 (door closes) 312 00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,209 ADULT SHELDON: Dr. Lee had commandeered the project, 313 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,712 and Drs. Linkletter and Sturgis were okay with it. 314 00:13:15,794 --> 00:13:19,382 Everyone was being mean, and I was out of my depth. 315 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:22,218 I needed advice on how to proceed. 316 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,053 Thankfully, I was mere feet away 317 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,888 from the person who had been mean to me 318 00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:28,475 since she tried strangling me with her umbilical cord. 319 00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:30,143 What? 320 00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:32,646 So, this Dr. Lee is turning your friends against you? 321 00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:34,021 Essentially. 322 00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:35,732 Classic move. 323 00:13:35,814 --> 00:13:37,066 Most girls you find crying in the school bathroom, 324 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,234 that was it. 325 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,527 What do I do? 326 00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,861 Well, you're in a tough spot 327 00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:43,114 'cause your personality is ugh. 328 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:44,991 There's enough people being mean to me right now. 329 00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:46,033 Sorry. 330 00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,661 Can you help me or not? 331 00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:49,621 It's you against a bunch of college professors. 332 00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:51,623 I don't think you can win this one. 333 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,252 Oh. Do any of them have pimples? 334 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:57,878 No. 335 00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:00,632 Too bad, I've done a lot of damage with "pizza face." 336 00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,051 He just took the ticket 337 00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:05,637 and stormed off. 338 00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:07,930 I don't know why he cares so much about a dishwasher. 339 00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:09,683 Maybe it ain't about the dishwasher. 340 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:11,643 Well, what is it, then? 341 00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:13,852 Mary, I love you, but sometimes it's kind of like 342 00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:16,439 you're waging a war on fun. 343 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,609 Why? Because I have values? 344 00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:22,028 Well, too bad because they're not going away. 345 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:24,614 Oh, and fun is down for the count. 346 00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,700 500 bucks? 347 00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:28,785 I guess drinks are on you. 348 00:14:28,867 --> 00:14:32,121 Fine, but is that all you got from my story? 349 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,248 It's called lightening the mood, George. 350 00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:36,125 Sorry. 351 00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,877 But I do think you're overreacting. 352 00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,339 Come on. 353 00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:43,800 I... Would it kill her to loosen up once in a while? 354 00:14:43,882 --> 00:14:46,135 Maybe that's just not who she is. 355 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:49,639 What if it is, just not with me? 356 00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,057 Well, what does that mean? 357 00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:53,643 The other night I drove by the church 358 00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,895 and I saw Mary and that new youth pastor 359 00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:59,816 just hanging out on the curb, laughing and smoking cigarettes. 360 00:15:01,693 --> 00:15:03,444 Yeah? And? 361 00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:04,738 Well, that's not enough? 362 00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:07,114 Well, is smoking even a sin? 363 00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:09,576 'Cause I still light up after a roll in the hay. 364 00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:14,372 The point is, she's capable of being fun, just... 365 00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:16,040 not with me. 366 00:15:16,123 --> 00:15:18,334 It's not like I don't want to be fun, 367 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:19,960 but I feel like 368 00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:22,088 I am the only one holding the family together. 369 00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:25,216 Mary, can I point out that you weren't exactly like this 370 00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:27,009 when y'all got married? 371 00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,969 So? I'm not allowed to grow? 372 00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,930 Apart? Okay. 373 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,184 What made you and your wife call it quits? 374 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,770 George, let me tell you something. 375 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,730 Getting divorced sucks. 376 00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:41,232 -I know. -You don't. 377 00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:43,860 If you think you're upset about a $500 scratcher, 378 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:47,321 try sitting home alone with half your money gone. 379 00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:49,449 I thought you were gonna say something 380 00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:50,658 about love and vows. 381 00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:52,285 Half, George. 382 00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,203 And it wasn't a lot when it was a whole. 383 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,163 I said I'd buy your drinks. 384 00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:58,249 Well, thank you. 385 00:15:58,332 --> 00:15:59,751 Wings wouldn't hurt, either. 386 00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:01,210 ADULT SHELDON: My sister thought I was in 387 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,629 an unwinnable situation, 388 00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,505 but I knew someone else who faced 389 00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:08,008 a no-win scenario and prevailed: one James Tiberius Kirk. 390 00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:10,553 The Kobayashi Maru was a simulation 391 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:13,347 designed to be unbeatable, but Kirk snuck in 392 00:16:13,431 --> 00:16:15,391 and reprogrammed it so he could win. 393 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,018 All I needed to do was put my scanning coordinates 394 00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:21,606 into Dr. Lee's radio telescope to prove I was correct. 395 00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:24,651 It was time for my sneaky face. 396 00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:27,821 (door closes) 397 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,240 Hey. 398 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,992 Hi. 399 00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:35,578 This is yours. 400 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,371 And if you don't feel right spending it, 401 00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:39,666 then you should do whatever you want with it. 402 00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:42,001 Thank you. 403 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:48,925 You know, I've been thinking that 404 00:16:49,007 --> 00:16:50,635 maybe it isn't 405 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:53,680 the end of the world if we spend it on something fun. 406 00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:55,139 Really? 407 00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:58,184 Yeah, something the family could enjoy. 408 00:16:58,267 --> 00:16:59,894 Well... 409 00:16:59,978 --> 00:17:01,688 we haven't been on vacation in a long time. 410 00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:03,481 Oh... 411 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,107 Oh. (gasps) 412 00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:07,485 We could go to Houston, see the Ice Capades. 413 00:17:08,486 --> 00:17:09,904 Let's keep thinking. 414 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:14,826 ADULT SHELDON: The next evening, I put my plan into action. 415 00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:16,619 I was just like Captain Kirk, 416 00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:19,413 if Captain Kirk had to bum a ride from his meemaw. 417 00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:22,166 All I needed to do was get into Dr. Lee's office 418 00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:23,835 and swap the coordinates. 419 00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:25,336 Nothing could stop me. 420 00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:29,298 Dang it. 421 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,258 Well, here's to male egos 422 00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:32,886 and all the fun that comes with them. 423 00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:35,221 -(chuckles) -(sighs) 424 00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,473 You've had to deal with that a lot, huh? 425 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,600 The first month I was here, people kept assuming 426 00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:41,644 I was the president's secretary. 427 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,521 Did you correct them? 428 00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:46,482 No, I just told them that the president was too busy 429 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,902 to see them and then I cut their funding. 430 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:51,320 (laughs) That must have felt good. 431 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:54,615 Ah, it was like taking off my bra at the end of a long day. 432 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:57,201 -Mm-hmm. -But I don't have to tell you. 433 00:17:57,284 --> 00:18:00,997 Can you believe there were only three women in my major? 434 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,749 Oh, at least you had each other. 435 00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:04,625 Those bitches? Pass. 436 00:18:04,709 --> 00:18:06,419 What about the guys? 437 00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,004 Either too scared to talk to me 438 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,172 or trying to talk me into being horizontal. 439 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,508 -Oh, yeah, I hear that. Mm-hmm. -Mm. 440 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:15,678 I've even had projects sabotaged just to make me look bad. 441 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,847 -You're kidding. -Nope. 442 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:33,738 Well, what did you do? 443 00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:35,573 Well, eventually I realized, 444 00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:38,034 (chuckles): I'm an experimental physicist. 445 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:41,704 I can build anything I want to protect my work. 446 00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:44,415 (alarm sounding) 447 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,460 (coughs) 448 00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:49,336 And thanks to my kids, 449 00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:53,466 I am very familiar with the movie Home Alone. 450 00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:55,718 (both laugh) 451 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,554 ADULT SHELDON: After a lot of apologizing, a little begging 452 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,180 and a note from my mother, 453 00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:02,934 I was allowed to keep my role on the team. 454 00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:04,811 When Captain Kirk faced the no-win scenario, 455 00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:06,604 he didn't have blue and yellow snot for a week. 456 00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:08,731 -(sneezes) -Ew. 457 00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:13,527 (low humming) 458 00:19:13,611 --> 00:19:15,195 Sounds like the ocean. 459 00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:16,322 Oh, it is very relaxing. 460 00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:17,782 GEORGE JR.: Kind of makes 461 00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:19,617 the rest of the kitchen look trashy. 462 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,869 Ooh, it has a temperature boost sensor. 463 00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:23,037 What's that? 464 00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:24,580 It makes sure the water is heated 465 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,332 to the correct temperature for ideal cleaning 466 00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:28,501 -and drying results. -ALL: Ooh. 467 00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:29,794 (scoffs) 468 00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:31,045 Where are you going? 469 00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:32,672 You're gonna miss the rinse cycle. 470 00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:34,007 I'm not missing anything. 471 00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:35,800 (dishwasher beeps) 472 00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:38,469 Oh, it beeped. Look up "beep." le.