[Mary] Previously on Young Sheldon…
-You got a roommate? -No, it's a single.
I have a chaperone.
Why do you need a chaperone?
Maybe they think I'm, like, some kind of trouble maker.
As the owner of the face you punched, they're right.
Do you play D&D?
No, I actually just sit in my dorm room and study because I have no friends.
-That's a bummer. -[Paige] Yeah.
I think I'm going to go.
Bye.
You should go after her.
Why? She's a bummer. You just said so.
[adult Sheldon] Many cultures throughout the world relied on percussion
to send messages across long distances.
For example, the West African dundun was used to imitate human speech…
[drums playing]
…while I used my fist,
the wall of my dorm and Morse Code to send a message.
[knocking on wall]
That's just the letter "H." What does that mean?
-Yeah? -I'm here to talk to you about your music
and your abysmal Morse Code skills.
-What? -Four dots is just the letter "H."
Was your message, "Huh?"
What?
Paige?
Sheldon.
You know him?
Yeah. No, we go way back.
What are you doing here?
Would you believe me if I told you I was working
on a femtosecond laser in the engineering department?
-Yes. -Then that.
You know she's not old enough to drink beer?
-I'm not old enough to drink beer. -Yeah, go inside.
Come here.
Did I convince you that drinking is wrong? Good for me.
Just leave me alone.
Well, what are you doing here?
I'm trying to have fun,
and I don't want them to know how old I am.
-Why? -Because I want them to think
that I'm cool.
You're smart. What's cooler than that?
Just go away.
Hey, we're fixing to play some beer pong. You in?
-You should know, she is not-- -Not had dinner.
I have not had dinner yet. So, we are going to go and get some food.
-We are? -Do you have cash?
Of course, I always have an emergency $20, plus four quarters for the telephone.
Twenty-one bucks? Okay, you're buying.
We're going the wrong way.
Hey! Well, I'm drunk. You lead.
[theme song playing]
Here, take a look at this. Does this look like tuna to you?
[laughs]
What am I watching?
It's called Dinosaurs, it's like The Flintstones,
only with dinosaurs. Come on.
That's dumb.
[Dale] Well, they talk. He's got a job. It's fun.
Wasn't The Flintstones, just The Honeymooners?
Huh. I never even thought about that.
Well, see, you just kind of ruined it for me.
Good.
Hey.
Please tell me you brought some movies home.
-Tootsie? -Ooh. Thank you.
[Dale] Well, really?
We're supposed to believe Dustin Hoffman is a woman?
But we believe talking dinosaurs?
Okay, I'll leave you to it.
-Little late to start a movie. -It's eight o'clock.
We're saying the same thing.
So you wanna go home?
Well, I don't know. I stayed here last night.
-So? -So, two nights in a row.
At what point are we living together?
Fine. Go home.
I'm okay with staying. You're the independent one.
If you want to stay, stay. If you want to go, go.
Well, fine. I'll stay if you're gonna beg.
[TV playing indistinctly]
Are you still inebriated, or can we have an intelligent conversation?
Both.
You do realize that alcohol kills brain cells?
Yeah, but it also makes life tolerable.
-What do you mean? -Well, talking to you is usually annoying.
So, you're what's called a "mean drunk". Noted.
I'm messing with you.
It's just, sometimes life sucks, and it's easier not to deal with it.
Could you be more specific?
Um…
Well, I have no friends.
I don't fit in anywhere.
And I dropped out of college, but I'm too young to get a job.
So, killing brain cells makes it easier.
Huh.
Go ahead, smart guy. Fix me.
Hm.
Well, give me a minute…
[music playing on TV]
Well, how do they not see that's Dustin Hoffman?
I buy it.
So, if I put on a wig and lipstick, you'd think I was a chick?
[chuckles] Only one way to find out.
Nice try.
You do have some pretty nice legs, though.
Well, if you want, we could pause the movie.
I'll let you touch 'em.
Lucky me.
So, I'm assuming you haven't taken the DARE pledge.
-The what? -DARE. It's an acronym.
It stands for Drug Abuse Resistance Education.
It's not too late. You can take it now.
I promise not to do drugs, to avoid violence,
to be responsible and to make responsible choices.
Now you say it.
-No. -I dare you.
Clever, right? Because I still have all my brain cells.
Sheldon, just eat your pizza.
Hey, you guys going to a party?
Gamma Kappa house.
Cool.
Mm.
You know, Officer McDaniel was in charge of our DARE program.
One time he even brought in
his drug sniffing dog, Alfie, which I didn't care for,
but it was nice to see a dog employed and off the streets.
[Meemaw] Really? You're going to leave your socks on?
-[Dale] My feet get cold. -[Meemaw] Take 'em off.
[Dale] What do you care?
[Meemaw] Feels like a lack of commitment.
[Dale] Fine.
[Meemaw] When was the last time you cut your toenails?
[Dale] I don't know.
[Meemaw] You look like something that can swoop down and pick up a squirrel.
[knocking on door]
Look who's here? Come on in.
-Thanks. -Everything okay?
Mind if I hang out here with y'all?
Come on, Mama.
Need a break from Connie?
I'm just trying to give her and Dale some privacy.
-Gross. -Oh.
What?
Ugh! Nasty.
It's sex, right?
[softly] Yeah.
Missy's at a sleepover, if you want to use her room.
I might take you up on that.
You'll be safe here. They never do anything.
[people chattering indistinctly]
What are we doing here?
It's a party, Sheldon.
But we weren't invited. I didn't bring a gift.
Then go home.
Wait, this is dangerous.
[adult Sheldon] There I stood,
the classic hero outside the dragon's cave.
Should I risk life and limb to save the maiden?
My every instinct said "no."
But I drank a lot of root beer and really had to go pee-pee.
-[rock music playing] -[people chattering indistinctly]
Hell does exist.
Excuse me, where's the nearest restroom?
Hey, look! Pee-wee Herman's at our party!
[all] Pee-wee! Pee-wee! Pee-wee! Pee-wee!
The hell continues.
Pee-wee! Pee-wee!
[toilet flushing]
Oh, thank goodness.
Come on!
Hey! There's a line.
Oh, boy. New hell.
-[Dale groans] -What? What?
Charley horse! Charley horse!
What do… what do I do?
I don't know. I don't-- Here, rub it. Rub it. Rub it.
Well, that's kinda how this whole thing got started.
That's not funny.
You'll laugh later.
[Dale] Rub harder. Harder.
[Meemaw] I'm rubbing as hard as I can.
[Dale] Well, use your elbow.
-[Meemaw] All right. -[Dale moans]
I don't need my toothbrush.
-[Meemaw] You like that? -[Dale] Oh, I-- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
[adult Sheldon] This night of depravity had reduced me to urinating on a tree
like a forest animal.
How much worse could it get?
[frat guy] Hey! Pee-wee's back!
[all] Pee-wee! Pee-wee! Pee-wee! Pee-wee!
Excuse me, I'm looking for my friend. Blonde girl, about a meter and a half.
Excuse me, I'm looking for my friend--
Missy?
-Sheldon? -What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
Do Mom and Dad know you're here?
Okay, stop. You go first.
Heather's sister goes to school here. She invited us.
Now you.
I'm looking after Paige.
Where is she?
Well, I didn't say I was doing a great job.
Where's your toothbrush?
Don't wanna talk about it.
[telephone rings]
Who the hell calls at this hour?
Hello. Oh, hi.
Everything okay?
-Who is it? -Heather's mom.
Oh. Is everything okay?
You just heard me ask. What… what's up?
No, Heather's not here. They're at your house.
-Huh. -What?
Heather told her mom she was staying here.
Huh. Classic.
Paige is drunk?
And high on what Officer McDaniels calls "Mary Jane," "reefer" and "ganja."
-Is she okay? -No. She said her life is terrible.
What?
-[loud music playing] -Her life is terrible.
What?
[music stops]
Her life is terrible.
[mumbling indistinctly]
How's your sex cramp, old man?
Athletes get cramps all the time.
It comes from dehydration and overexertion.
I'll give you the dehydration,
but I didn't see any overexertion, though.
Why, Connie?
Because it's fun.
Well, just give me a minute. I'll be ready.
Why don't we just call it a night and get some sleep?
That's fine by me.
But just to be clear, you're calling it, not me.
-Yep. -I'm good to go.
-I'm sure you are. -Yep.
Damn tootin'. [grunts]
I don't know if it's any help,
but when I was her age and pulled this, it was just to go to a party.
[scoffs]
Oh, great. So she's at a party who knows where.
You know what, I'm gonna go find her.
-Well, how? -I don't know.
I'm just gonna drive around 'til I hear some carousing.
I'll go with you.
Will you both just stop for a minute?
There is nothing to do but wait.
Fine.
Nope. Georgie, let's go.
Let's check out that creek in the woods where they found the headless body.
[George] Will you shut up?
[sighs] Now what do we do?
We can't just leave. Paige is still in there.
Maybe we should call Mom.
I do have four quarters for that exact reason.
Paige?
Wait!
What are you doing?
Well, this is Bradley and we're going to another party.
Another party? It's 9:30.
Bradley, do you know how old she is?
Said she was 18.
Lower.
Sixteen?
Lower.
Hey, I gotta go.
Thanks a lot.
Come on.
We're running again?
We just ran.
I'll tell you what, my daughter's never gonna put me through this.
Oh, really? How do you figure?
I'm gonna run a tight ship. Set some rules, some boundaries,
and if she breaks 'em, then she faces the-- What do you call it?
Repercussions.
[snickers]
Why you smilin'?
I just can't wait 'til you're a dad.
Thank you.
Repercussions.
It's a word. Look it up.
-[Missy] Hurry! -[Sheldon] This is as fast
as I can go in sensible shoes.
[Paige retches]
[Missy] You okay?
-No. -Oh, dear.
-What? -I'm going to have
the mother of all blisters.
[Missy sighs]
-I'm worried about you. -Thank you.
Don't be. I'm having fun.
You're drunk and you were about to get in the car with a stranger.
So? He was cute.
[Missy] What's wrong with you?
You're smarter than Sheldon.
-Why don't you act like it? -Um…
I am.
If that was true, then how come my pizza's still in my stomach
-and yours is in the fountain? -[scoffs]
What good is being smart if you're all alone?
Let's go to Sheldon's dorm and get you cleaned up.
Thanks.
Just so you know, you're not alone. You've got me.
I thought we were trying to make her feel better.
I have another idea for keeping my kid in line.
Can't wait.
I saw this show where they put electric trackers on these dolphins,
and with satellites, they can tell where they are.
Dolphins? Go on.
I'll stick one of them things on my kid, so I always know where she is.
You're gonna track her like she's an animal?
Damn straight.
That's actually, a really good idea.
Missy's a good kid. I'm sure she's okay.
[sighs]
I was a good kid, didn't stop me from getting into trouble.
[chuckles] Me too. One time I was at this party and…
Actually, never mind.
The important thing is we survived.
Yes, we did.
You just want your children to have an easier time of it.
Easier?
My baby's gonna have a broke, single mom and a teenage dad.
[Mary] Mm-hm.
Let me get you some more tea.
Okay.
Do you know what else is nice?
I get to learn from all your parenting mistakes.
I'm starting to think letting you live this long is one of 'em.
Like that. I'd never say something so awful to my kid.
Thanks, big guy.
You awake?
[Dale] Mm-hm.
I've been thinking,
we don't have to spend every night together.
Oh.
You're preaching to the choir there, Connie.
I've been lying awake here for an hour, wishing I were back home in my own bed.
Really?
Everything's the way I like it there. I got a TV in the bedroom,
and leave the seat up on the toilet.
Thermostats not set to storing meat.
I did turn the toilet paper around, so it comes over the top like you like it.
Like the world likes it.
Don't start on this again.
[both chuckle]
So, we got a plan?
We got a plan.
So, I'll spend tomorrow night at my place.
Yep.
[exhales] Thank God.
Where you going?
Think I might have to crank up the AC.
[Dale] 'Cause I said, "Thank God"?
[Meemaw] No foolin' you.
Okay, she's asleep.
I put a trash can by the bed in case she gets sick.
Where am I supposed to sleep?
On the floor.
Why can't she sleep there? She doesn't know where she is.
I don't have time for this.
I have to find Heather before I lose my ride home.
-Fine. -But first,
let's get our story straight about where I was tonight.
Only one story and it's straight.
-You were here. -No, I wasn't.
I was at Heather's and you didn't see me.
Got it?
First, I've to sleep on the floor and I have to lie for you?
How about this? Work with me, and I will officially owe you one.
-One what? -I don't know. One anything.
"Anything" is awfully vague. Let's draw up a contract--
You went to a frat party. There's a drunk girl on your bed.
Coolest college story you'll ever get to tell.
-So I can tell Mom. -No.
-Someday. -When?
Someday, when we're old and we can laugh about it.
I gotta go.
[adult Sheldon] Thirty years later, still not laughing.
What are you doing out here? It's the middle of the night.
I can't sleep not knowing where she is.
Yeah.
Just so we're on the same page, when she does show up, I'm gonna kill her.
You're gonna have to beat me to it.
I'm not saying I love her the most, but anything happened to Missy…
She is your little girl.
-Not so little anymore. -Hm.
And I hate it.
Yeah, pretty soon, you're gonna have a granddaughter
and start all over again.
[both chuckle]
You know, I had an idea.
I'm gonna put a tracker on her, like they do with dolphins.
-You're making that up. -No, it's true.
Wherever she goes, Timbuktu, doesn't matter,
-we're there. -[snickers]
[Mary sighs]
-[door opens] -[Missy] I'm home!
Hey.
Hey to you.
How was Heather's?
Uh, fun. Pizza, movies, the usual.
You look tired.
I didn't sleep too well.
Well, I'm sorry.
Well, I'm going to my room.
What happened to killing her?
I'll get to it.
Just so relieved she's okay.
Okay, I'm good. Missy!
Wait for me!
[theme music playing]