[Mary] Absolutely not.
But we're in Europe, the birthplace of the modern rail system.
It is also the birthplace of the guillotine,
you're not playin' with that either.
I'm a college senior, and I know more about trains than Richard Trevithick.
Who?
He built the first working steam locomotive.
I don't care.
You are not gallivantin' around Europe on a train by yourself.
German children ride trains by themselves all the time.
When you become a German child, we'll talk.
[grumbles]
[scoffs] Richard Trevithick...
How does he even know these things?
Oh, George wrote me a letter.
[George] Dear Mary, hope you and Sheldon are havin' a great time in Germany.
So great.
Got the phone bill the other day. It was a whopper.
Figured maybe instead of callin' we should try the good ol' US mail.
Everything here is fine, a little crowded since the tornado,
but it's bringin' us together.
Missy, I've got business to tend to.
[Missy] I'll be out in a second.
She almost done? I gotta shower.
There's a line or a hose out back, take your pick.
Count of three.
And our granddaughter is gettin' more fun every day.
Boo.
[CeeCee cries]
What is wrong with you?
It was just peek-a-boo!
You'll be happy to know your daughter made a new friend, Taylor,
and they've been hangin' out a ton.
Where are you goin' all dressed up?
I'm not dressed up, and I'm goin' to the mall with Taylor.
When do I get to meet this girl?
Soon. Gotta go.
[sighs] Okay, let's do this.
[theme song playing]
Ooh, she wrote back. Savin' money already.
[Mary] Dear George, it was really nice to get your letter.
It reminds me of when you were in Vietnam,
except this time I'm the one in a foreign country
-and the enemy is Sheldon. -[chuckles]
The other day he wanted to go ridin' around Germany
by himself on a train.
-But I put a stop to that. -Good.
[speaking German]
Shh.
[George] Your mom's been goin' through a rough patch
since she lost the house, but she's a strong woman.
You'd be proud of how well she's dealin' with it.
Hey.
-What are you doin'? -Takin' one of your beers.
-What are you doin'? -Writin' Mary a letter.
Too cheap for a phone call?
You know how much those things cost?
A tank of gas to say, "I miss you." [scoffs]
Besides, this is nice, writin' back and forth,
kind of like when I was in the Army.
-She's writin' you back too, huh? -Mmm-hmm.
Huh.
What?
My house blows away, I don't even get a damn postcard.
You should write her first. That's what I did.
Well, I'm not her cheapskate husband.
[George] Heads-up, I might kill your mother before you get back.
Ooh, 719 to Frankfurt, birthplace of the frankfurter.
-That's a must-see. -[knocking on door]
-Sheldon, can I get you anything? -No.
-Are you sure? A cup of tea? -I'm fine.
-Hot chocolate? -Why are you badgering me?
Whoa, what brought that on?
Nothing. Everything's fine. I just have to study.
Is this about the train?
What? No. What train?
Are you still mad that I won't let you go alone?
Yes.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Someday, when you're a parent, you'll understand.
I'm sure I will.
Okay then.
[Sheldon] Dear Missy, I'm sure you're surprised I'm writing to you.
But I have a secret, and I have to tell someone or my head will explode.
-Ooh! -The other day,
against Mother's orders, I rode a train by myself.
What a loser.
[singing] Because you're mine I walk the line
Because you're mine, I walk the line
[Meemaw] George tells me you and Sheldon are havin' a good time in Germany.
Things here are finally settling down.
I moved in with Dale, which has been great.
He's been so supportive and patient--
Could you play another song?
I'm workin' on this song.
My last nerve is what you're workin' on.
Well, you gotta practice if you wanna get good.
For what? You're 74. You gonna play that song in Hell?
Look, this is my house. And in my house I play the guitar.
I thought you said your house was my house?
And in your house, there's a guy who plays the guitar.
And he's getting pretty doggon' good.
-[string buzzing] -[groans]
Guide's here.
Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett. What does she see in him?
Women love musicians.
Man, I gotta learn to play guitar.
Why?
So your love for me will deepen?
Nice save, Romeo.
Look, another letter from Mom.
Aw, I think it's so romantic, you two writin' to each other.
Just 'cause he's a cheapskate.
It can be both.
Well, I think it's sweet.
Well, I can write you a letter if you want.
-Please, don't. -Why not?
Because your spelling makes me sad.
[Georgie] I can use small words.
[Mary] Dear George, I really loved your last letter.
Who would have thought that I would have a love affair in Germany,
and that it would be with you?
I miss you all so much,
but it sounds like everyone is doing great.
By the way, Missy's new friend, Taylor,
is that a boy or a girl?
Missy!
[George] I've included some Polaroids of your granddaughter
and your hot American boy toy.
Don't feel bad for being confused about Missy's friend.
He is a boy. But don't worry, I'm on top of it.
Taylor's a boy?
Yes.
So when you went to the movies with him,
-he was a boy? -Mmm-hmm.
And when you went swimming at his house, he was a boy with his shirt off.
I never said he was a girl.
No, I said he was a girl and you didn't correct me.
-I don't remember who said what. -Yes, you do.
And that is the last you're seein' of Taylor.
Dad, it's not what you think. He doesn't like me like that.
He's a 13-year-old boy, he likes all girls like that.
He's 15, and he doesn't.
Fifteen!
And he really doesn't.
The hell does that mean?
-Oh. -Yeah.
So he's like a gal pal?
Bingo.
Okay.
So, can I go to his house and watch a movie?
-No other boys will be there? -Just him and me.
-All right then. -Thanks, Daddy.
[George] It's a different world, Mare.
I'm proud of Missy for keepin' an open mind.
And shoot, I'm proud of myself.
By the way, I told my dad you're gay.
Okay.
[Dale] Hey.
Have you seen my guitar?
Nope. Why?
I could have sworn I left it in the bedroom.
Now I can't find it anywhere.
That's weird.
Did you hide it?
I can't believe you would accuse me of such a thing.
-Did ya? -Did I what?
Hide my guitar.
[singing softly] Because you're mine I lost my mind
Well, give it back.
Only under certain conditions.
That guitar's been here way longer than you have.
You wanna see it again?
What conditions?
First of all, if I'm out of the house, you can play it all day long.
-That's reasonable. -I'm a reasonable lady.
Number two, you cannot play the same song for more than five minutes.
No, no, no, no. That's not how practice works.
Repetition is the key to mastery.
-Ten minutes. -Deal.
It's in the closet behind the raincoats.
Well, thank you.
[Dale singing] Because you're mine--
Hold on. Let me get my egg timer.
Because you're mine...
-Auf Wiedersehen. -Where you goin'?
-The library. [whispers] In Frankfurt. -Have fun.
[adult Sheldon] As much as I hated lying, I loved trains just a little bit more.
[Georgie] Dear Mandy, there are so many things I love about you
it's hard to know where to start, but I will.
Sure, I could go on and on about your beautiful...
B-E...
Where does the dang U go?
Pretty boobs.
But what's more important is what's underneath, your heart.
Oh, yeah, that's good.
-Can I cash out? -Oh, sure.
Hey, question.
If you sneak into the bathroom to watch a woman shower,
is that romantic or creepy?
-Romantic. -That's what I thought.
And when you're alone in the shower...
-Ticket? -[speaks German]
Mmm-hmm.
Ja.
[snoring]
-[continues snoring] -[groans]
Man.
-What? What the hell? -What?
What are you doin'?
Well, I'm just putting the nose spray in 'cause you're snorin'.
Well, there's no reason to stick something up my nose.
-I'm sorry. -If anybody's snorin', it's you.
I mean, just look at that honker.
Well, that's not very nice.
Well, what's not nice is you violating my nose.
Well, it's not gonna happen again.
Hey, but listen, now that you're up,
why don't we just spritz the other nostril--
-Don't you dare! -Okay, okay.
And for your information, you fart all night long.
It's 'cause of your cookin'.
Quit feeding me fajitas.
[Sheldon] Dear Missy, I am currently on my fifth train ride,
exploring Germany and the nations of the former Austro-Hungarian Empire.
It's often referred to as a dual monarchy
because the Habsburg ruler was both the Emperor of Austria
and the King of Hungary.
Speaking of hungry... Strudel.
-[bell dings] -[doors close]
-[train moving] -Wait. Wait!
Warten! Warten! That's German for wait.
[adult Sheldon] As you can see, they did not warten.
[speaking German]
Sheldon Cooper.
-[phone rings] -Hello?
[operator] I have a collect call from Sheldon Cooper.
Do you accept the charges?
Sorry, my dad says it's too expensive and--
[Sheldon] Missy, please. It's an emergency.
-Fine, I accept. -[operator] Go ahead.
What?
I'm stranded in a train station in Weinheim, Germany
and I can't call Mom because I lied about--
-Sorry. I'm getting another call. -Wait, don't--
Hello? Oh, hi, Taylor.
Nothing. What are you up to?
Missy!
Missy?
[pathetically] Missy.
[Georgie] And not just 'cause you're naked in the shower,
'cause you're naked and all sudsy.
It's like watching MTV, but in the bathroom.
I hope that didn't sound creepy.
But you're so pretty I can't stop looking at you,
even with clothes on covered with CeeCee's spit-up.
Oh, you're reading my letter. I'll come back.
Oh, now you wanna give me privacy?
So it was creepy, huh?
It was.
-Where are you goin'? -I'm gonna go take a shower.
Maybe I'll leave the door unlocked.
Well, all right.
[speaking German]
[in English] It's okay, young man. We speak English.
But not as well as my Germans. So stay with me.
[speaking German]
-[Georgie] Dad, get out! -[Mandy gasps] Oh, God!
-Why didn't you lock the door? -[Georgie] I didn't wanna miss anything.
[Mary] I've been sittin' here starin' at your picture,
thinkin' about all the years we've been together
and how I may have taken you for granted the last few.
I do appreciate you, I do love you,
and I'm sorry I don't say it enough.
Or say it at all.
So rest up because when I get back,
-I'm gonna show you how much-- -[phone rings]
-Hello? -Mom, it's me.
I know I'm not supposed to call,
but Sheldon called and said he's in trouble.
Sheldon's at the library.
No, he's not. He's stuck at a train station somewhere in Germany.
When did he call?
-I don't know. Two, three hours ago. -What?
This is expensive, I should go.
I'm gonna kill him.
-What are you doin'? -I'm gonna go sleep in the other room
so we don't bug each other.
And leave me here all alone?
I thought you'd be happy.
Well, my nose might be happy,
-but the rest of me won't be. -Oh.
Unless you're leavin' because my snorin' is so bad.
-Alleged snoring. -"Alleged snoring"?
I'm going half-deaf in this ear from your "alleged snoring."
Well, there must be a way to compromise.
Compromise? There's no compromise.
You won't let me spritz your nasal passages.
Even if I did, that's not gonna stop the tear gas comin' out of your pants.
Onions in, onions out.
We talked about this, you know.
-[dog barking] -Oh, dear.
Hello? Police?
Sprechen English? Good, good.
My little boy is lost at a train station.
No, I don't know which one.
He's 5'10''.
Well, he's little to me.
Never mind.
What happened to you?
Tough day.
At the library?
Yes.
Where's your other shoe?
When I was leaving... the library, a wild dog attacked me.
Oh, sweetie, no.
I fought him off, but at the price of a loafer.
Where's your backpack?
I guess he got that, too.
Well, that all makes sense, Sheldon,
if that's what really happened.
It is.
Okay then. Why don't you go lay down?
I will.
I'm tired from all the things that happened.
-At the library? -At the library.
[Mary] Instead of punishing him, I'm lettin' him think he got away with it.
The guilt is eatin' him alive.
I wish you were here to enjoy it with me.
-Hey. -Hey.
Is it okay if Taylor and I hang out in my room and listen to music?
Sure. Yeah. Just keep the door closed, so I don't have to hear it.
You got it.
Probably gonna listen to show tunes.
-[classical music playing] -[snoring]
-[Dale farts to beat of music] -[snoring continues]
[theme music playing] f music] -[snoring continues]