1
00:00:12,097 --> 00:00:15,350
[soft music plays]

2
00:00:17,603 --> 00:00:19,772
[woman on voicemail]
<i>Yeah, baby boy, it's Mama.</i>

3
00:00:19,772 --> 00:00:23,275
<i>Thank you for my beautiful flowers
and the card.</i>

4
00:00:23,275 --> 00:00:24,985
[man on voicemail]
<i>Hey, baby boy, it's Pops.</i>

5
00:00:24,985 --> 00:00:27,488
<i>Just reaching out to say I love you.</i>

6
00:00:27,488 --> 00:00:30,115
[Marlon's mom] <i>Calling to check on you,
Marlon. Hope you're feeling better.</i>

7
00:00:30,115 --> 00:00:33,327
<i>Don't play with this.
It's a very serious flu out here.</i>

8
00:00:33,327 --> 00:00:35,954
[man on voicemail] <i>Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Give me a call.</i>

9
00:00:35,954 --> 00:00:38,290
<i>Let me know what your schedule's like.
Peace out.</i>

10
00:00:38,290 --> 00:00:42,085
[Marlon's mom] <i>Hey, baby boy. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you for that gift.</i>

11
00:00:42,085 --> 00:00:44,087
<i>You've never missed a Mother's Day.</i>

12
00:00:44,087 --> 00:00:48,050
<i>I'm sorry you're not going to be with me,
but I realize you have to work.</i>

13
00:00:48,050 --> 00:00:51,720
<i>So I love, love, love you.
Thank you so much for the gift.</i>

14
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:55,974
<i>And also for the fact that you can love me
the way I need to be loved.</i>

15
00:00:55,974 --> 00:00:58,644
<i>Love you. Thank you. Mama.</i>

16
00:00:59,603 --> 00:01:02,189
[man] Help me praise his name!
My guy, the one and only,

17
00:01:02,189 --> 00:01:07,611
Mr. Marlon Wayans!

18
00:01:07,611 --> 00:01:10,823
[crowd cheering]

19
00:01:11,907 --> 00:01:17,079
[hip-hop music plays]

20
00:01:35,180 --> 00:01:37,099
[crowd cheering]

21
00:01:37,099 --> 00:01:39,268
What's up, New York City?

22
00:01:42,729 --> 00:01:44,398
What the fuck is happening, Harlem?

23
00:01:45,315 --> 00:01:47,276
[cheering]

24
00:01:47,276 --> 00:01:48,402
All right, we in here.

25
00:01:49,778 --> 00:01:51,321
Life is good.

26
00:01:51,321 --> 00:01:54,157
Life is fucking good.

27
00:01:54,157 --> 00:01:57,995
[cheering]

28
00:01:57,995 --> 00:01:59,246
Life is good.

29
00:01:59,246 --> 00:02:02,165
Please, enjoy every minute you can.

30
00:02:02,165 --> 00:02:03,292
Please.

31
00:02:03,292 --> 00:02:08,714
If I learned anything in my 51 years,
it's please enjoy this ride called life.

32
00:02:08,714 --> 00:02:11,633
This shit is a really short ride.

33
00:02:11,633 --> 00:02:13,719
[applause]

34
00:02:13,719 --> 00:02:15,178
I want you to understand.

35
00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:17,723
Don't put high expectations on people.

36
00:02:18,473 --> 00:02:21,435
People are going to disappoint you.

37
00:02:22,561 --> 00:02:24,980
So don't have high expectations of them.

38
00:02:24,980 --> 00:02:26,523
Just know this.

39
00:02:26,523 --> 00:02:29,067
Everyone is an asshole.

40
00:02:31,653 --> 00:02:34,323
Everyone is an asshole.

41
00:02:35,282 --> 00:02:36,658
You're an asshole.

42
00:02:38,869 --> 00:02:40,704
Your girl's an asshole.

43
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,709
I'm an asshole. That's why I started
this show three hours late.

44
00:02:45,709 --> 00:02:47,628
I'm a fucking dick.

45
00:02:47,628 --> 00:02:51,006
[cheering, applause]

46
00:02:56,053 --> 00:02:58,931
I just wanted to see how much
you motherfuckers love me.

47
00:03:00,599 --> 00:03:02,100
[man] You fuckin' asshole!

48
00:03:03,644 --> 00:03:05,896
Everyone's an asshole. Your kids.

49
00:03:05,896 --> 00:03:09,566
They look all cute to you,
but they're fucking assholes.

50
00:03:09,566 --> 00:03:12,319
Ask their teachers.
They're fucking assholes.

51
00:03:14,571 --> 00:03:19,201
Your parents are old assholes.

52
00:03:19,910 --> 00:03:22,329
But what you must do
is you must forgive them.

53
00:03:22,329 --> 00:03:26,750
You have to trust that your parents did
the best they could with what they had.

54
00:03:26,750 --> 00:03:28,877
[cheering]

55
00:03:28,877 --> 00:03:30,337
And I say this from my heart.

56
00:03:30,337 --> 00:03:33,298
Keep your heart light.
I just lost my dad five months ago.

57
00:03:33,298 --> 00:03:35,008
[crowd murmurs]

58
00:03:35,008 --> 00:03:37,928
Yeah. But you know what?
He was a good dude, you know?

59
00:03:37,928 --> 00:03:40,222
Don't feel bad.
You didn't kill him, liquor did.

60
00:03:42,099 --> 00:03:43,976
But, you know,
I had a great time with my father, man.

61
00:03:43,976 --> 00:03:46,144
Please, have a great time
with your parents.

62
00:03:46,144 --> 00:03:49,439
I had a great time. I have no fucking
problems with my dad at all.

63
00:03:49,439 --> 00:03:50,774
No beefs.

64
00:03:50,774 --> 00:03:53,110
I got two little tiffs, you know?

65
00:03:53,110 --> 00:03:57,322
Nothing... nothing big, nothing I would
talk to my therapist about, you know.

66
00:03:57,990 --> 00:04:00,534
That's valuable time. I save that for...
to talk about these bitches.

67
00:04:00,534 --> 00:04:01,952
You know what I'm saying?

68
00:04:05,956 --> 00:04:08,125
[laughs]

69
00:04:08,125 --> 00:04:11,294
Two beefs with my dad. One is...

70
00:04:11,294 --> 00:04:14,381
You know, that nigga never wished me
a happy birthday.

71
00:04:16,174 --> 00:04:18,427
Nah, but he Jehovah's Witness.
Them niggas are weird.

72
00:04:19,052 --> 00:04:20,262
[laughs]

73
00:04:20,262 --> 00:04:22,931
Y'all groan. "Ah, not those niggas."

74
00:04:24,808 --> 00:04:26,560
You know, it's funny.
My dad was Jehovah's Witness.

75
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,271
My mother was like,
"Mm-mm, nigga. I'm Baptist.

76
00:04:30,230 --> 00:04:32,858
I like Christmas." [laughs]

77
00:04:33,358 --> 00:04:36,153
My mama hated the religion so much that,

78
00:04:36,153 --> 00:04:40,532
nigga, there was days she didn't answer
the door for this nigga.

79
00:04:42,826 --> 00:04:46,496
My daddy knocked.
My mom creeped to the door...

80
00:04:46,496 --> 00:04:48,749
"Ah, shit, kids, get down."

81
00:04:48,749 --> 00:04:50,459
"Who is it, Mama?" "It's your father.

82
00:04:50,459 --> 00:04:53,378
He got them fucking books
and them people with him. Shh!

83
00:04:54,796 --> 00:04:56,506
Keenan, hit the lights.

84
00:04:57,716 --> 00:05:00,135
Damon, get your bald head over here.

85
00:05:00,135 --> 00:05:02,054
There's a glare, nigga. Come here!

86
00:05:02,804 --> 00:05:05,265
Marlon, Marlon, don't you open that door.

87
00:05:05,265 --> 00:05:08,060
Jehovah will witness me
beating the shit out you, nigga."

88
00:05:08,060 --> 00:05:11,021
[audience laughing]

89
00:05:13,982 --> 00:05:17,652
It's crazy. My father would never even
say the phrase "happy birthday."

90
00:05:18,278 --> 00:05:21,406
Felt like if he said "happy birthday,"
he would instantly go to hell.

91
00:05:21,406 --> 00:05:22,449
So he wouldn't say the phrase.

92
00:05:22,449 --> 00:05:25,077
He'd call me on my birthday, he goes,
"Hey, son.

93
00:05:25,077 --> 00:05:27,204
Happy Wednesday.

94
00:05:30,999 --> 00:05:34,461
Happy Wednesday on the day
I accidentally bust

95
00:05:34,461 --> 00:05:38,590
another nut inside your mama...
and made you."

96
00:05:38,590 --> 00:05:43,345
And when I was little, you understand,
that shit used to hurt my feelings, man.

97
00:05:43,345 --> 00:05:45,305
You know what I mean?
Your dad never wished you happy birthday.

98
00:05:45,305 --> 00:05:48,141
Me and my brother, Shawn,
we'd be in our bedroom all mad.

99
00:05:48,141 --> 00:05:52,187
Five and six years old,
be pacing back and forth and shit.

100
00:05:55,565 --> 00:05:58,652
With them stupid birthday hats on,
you know them party hats.

101
00:05:58,652 --> 00:06:00,737
[audience laughing]

102
00:06:05,450 --> 00:06:09,079
And we'd be so mad, we'd call my mama
in the room by her government name.

103
00:06:09,079 --> 00:06:11,331
We'd be like, "Elvira! Come here!

104
00:06:14,626 --> 00:06:16,253
Why you fuck this nigga?"

105
00:06:21,633 --> 00:06:24,678
"Yeah. How come he pick
Jehovah's Witness as a religion?"

106
00:06:25,262 --> 00:06:28,431
And my mama, funniest woman
you ever want to meet.

107
00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:31,810
Straight out of Harlem.
Always kept it real.

108
00:06:31,810 --> 00:06:33,979
She said, "Oh, niggas, do the math.

109
00:06:34,521 --> 00:06:38,316
That broke motherfucker got ten kids
and one job.

110
00:06:39,192 --> 00:06:42,362
He's trying to get out of buying
Christmas and birthday gifts, assholes!"

111
00:06:44,281 --> 00:06:46,158
Oh, shit.

112
00:06:46,158 --> 00:06:48,535
Nigga, that is a genius...

113
00:06:50,370 --> 00:06:52,414
and diabolical plan."

114
00:06:54,708 --> 00:06:57,502
I think Nick Cannon
should become Jehovah's Witness.

115
00:06:57,502 --> 00:07:01,131
[cheering, applause]

116
00:07:02,632 --> 00:07:06,136
Other beef I had with my father
is I feel like...

117
00:07:07,637 --> 00:07:10,140
I feel like... I think
that nigga beat me too much.

118
00:07:12,434 --> 00:07:14,144
Know what I mean?
Not saying I didn't deserve

119
00:07:14,144 --> 00:07:16,563
a large majority of those ass whippings.

120
00:07:16,563 --> 00:07:21,860
I probably deserved, you know,
I would say 87.3 percent

121
00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:23,361
of those ass whippings.

122
00:07:24,279 --> 00:07:28,742
That other 12.7 that my daddy
beat me for that I didn't deserve,

123
00:07:28,742 --> 00:07:30,744
that nigga had to pay for that.

124
00:07:32,412 --> 00:07:33,830
I waited.

125
00:07:35,165 --> 00:07:37,250
Wait till the nigga got good and old.

126
00:07:39,544 --> 00:07:41,379
And he started shitting himself.

127
00:07:43,548 --> 00:07:46,176
Let him sit in that diaper
just a little while longer.

128
00:07:48,053 --> 00:07:50,472
Not too long,
just two or three days, you know.

129
00:07:52,891 --> 00:07:55,602
No, four is too long.
That's just cruel, you know.

130
00:07:55,602 --> 00:07:58,897
I tried four and a turd, like,
hardened on his ass,

131
00:07:58,897 --> 00:08:00,899
and I had to chisel it off.

132
00:08:02,317 --> 00:08:04,152
Just chocolate chips all over the floor,

133
00:08:04,152 --> 00:08:08,365
and I had to clean that shit up,
and the joke's on me, so...

134
00:08:09,824 --> 00:08:13,995
But my point is,
I changed my father's diaper.

135
00:08:14,829 --> 00:08:17,832
I changed my parents' diapers.
Don't say you love your parents,

136
00:08:18,667 --> 00:08:21,044
and when they get old and they need you,

137
00:08:21,044 --> 00:08:23,630
you throw their ass in the old folks home.

138
00:08:23,630 --> 00:08:26,549
Don't do that. They didn't
throw you in a young folks home.

139
00:08:27,968 --> 00:08:29,844
Take care of your parents.

140
00:08:29,844 --> 00:08:33,390
It is a fucking privilege and an honor.

141
00:08:33,390 --> 00:08:37,185
[cheering, applause]

142
00:08:37,185 --> 00:08:38,603
And parents...

143
00:08:40,063 --> 00:08:44,818
y'all be appreciative
if your kids actually do that for you.

144
00:08:46,027 --> 00:08:49,364
Yeah, because my mama was funny.
My mama expected that shit.

145
00:08:49,364 --> 00:08:52,033
She hit me with that,
"Well, it's only right.

146
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,080
I changed your diapers."

147
00:08:57,956 --> 00:08:59,416
Bitch.

148
00:09:01,334 --> 00:09:05,338
There is a difference between baby shit...

149
00:09:06,965 --> 00:09:09,968
and 83-year-old Black people shit.

150
00:09:09,968 --> 00:09:11,928
Let me tell you!

151
00:09:13,054 --> 00:09:15,265
Baby shit is made from baby food.

152
00:09:16,224 --> 00:09:18,018
You ever buy baby food,
you know what I mean?

153
00:09:18,018 --> 00:09:20,895
Carrots and sweet potatoes,
those orange motherfuckers.

154
00:09:20,895 --> 00:09:23,815
Come in that little Gerber jar.
You open the top. [clicks]

155
00:09:23,815 --> 00:09:25,233
You feed it to the baby.

156
00:09:27,027 --> 00:09:30,030
Three hours later, baby take a shit.
[blows raspberry]

157
00:09:31,239 --> 00:09:33,158
Look inside the diaper.

158
00:09:33,742 --> 00:09:36,077
It look just like sweet potatoes

159
00:09:36,911 --> 00:09:39,539
you fed that nigga three hours ago.

160
00:09:39,539 --> 00:09:43,251
You can actually take those
sweet potatoes out the Pamper...

161
00:09:44,961 --> 00:09:46,546
and feed them right back to the baby.

162
00:09:46,546 --> 00:09:50,508
[crowd laughing, groaning]

163
00:09:50,508 --> 00:09:52,886
Yeah, it may have a twang, you know?

164
00:09:53,887 --> 00:09:57,390
May have a little twang to it,
so, you know, maybe add some sugar

165
00:09:57,390 --> 00:09:59,851
or, you know, maple syrup.

166
00:09:59,851 --> 00:10:02,520
White people, agave and Stevia.

167
00:10:06,816 --> 00:10:11,529
But 83-year-old Black people shit...
nigga!

168
00:10:11,529 --> 00:10:15,617
It got pork, grits, cornbread,

169
00:10:15,617 --> 00:10:18,620
collard greens, turnip greens,

170
00:10:18,620 --> 00:10:20,497
fucking chitlins. Bitch.

171
00:10:20,497 --> 00:10:22,749
You got shit in shit!

172
00:10:27,379 --> 00:10:30,048
Like, if you got to change
your parents' diapers, look away.

173
00:10:30,048 --> 00:10:32,467
Just change that motherfucker
like a blind man. Just...

174
00:10:44,396 --> 00:10:47,565
And if you miss a spot,
who cares, ain't nobody going down there.

175
00:10:49,651 --> 00:10:53,738
But, man, my mama used to
always talk shit about my daddy's dick.

176
00:10:55,532 --> 00:10:57,826
I thought she was hating. She was always
talking about my father's dick.

177
00:10:57,826 --> 00:11:01,496
"Yeah, your dick so ugly,
I could only fuck it in the dark.

178
00:11:03,039 --> 00:11:06,209
Your dick so crooked,
I could hang my coat on it.

179
00:11:07,502 --> 00:11:10,964
Your balls hang so low,
they look like click-clacks.

180
00:11:10,964 --> 00:11:13,800
Nigga, I could play Cabanga!
with them bitches." Bap!

181
00:11:14,676 --> 00:11:16,219
And I thought my mother was hating,

182
00:11:16,219 --> 00:11:17,804
you know, because women,
y'all do that shit.

183
00:11:17,804 --> 00:11:20,557
You talk about our dick,
then you fuck it. That's what's crazy.

184
00:11:21,349 --> 00:11:23,268
My mother was talking shit
about my daddy.

185
00:11:23,268 --> 00:11:28,523
I went to change my daddy diaper,
and I opened that shit up.

186
00:11:28,523 --> 00:11:29,607
[makes whooshing sound]

187
00:11:29,607 --> 00:11:33,361
And y'all,
these old balls just dropped out.

188
00:11:33,361 --> 00:11:36,781
What the fuck! No! Ahh!

189
00:11:38,283 --> 00:11:40,577
They were so long and droopy, like...

190
00:11:40,577 --> 00:11:42,454
I didn't know how he would
scratch those motherfuckers.

191
00:11:42,454 --> 00:11:46,791
He had to hacky-sack them balls up
in order to scratch them. [laughs]

192
00:11:52,213 --> 00:11:55,049
And they had all these
sparse white hairs on it.

193
00:11:55,049 --> 00:11:57,635
Just gray-ass hairs, and it was wet.

194
00:11:57,635 --> 00:12:00,555
Why was the fucking hair wet?
It looked like a mouse

195
00:12:00,555 --> 00:12:03,183
ran through a fire
and the sprinklers came on.

196
00:12:04,392 --> 00:12:07,687
And my mama wasn't lying when she said
that nigga dick was crooked.

197
00:12:07,687 --> 00:12:10,190
Oh, shit. I ain't never seen
no shit like this.

198
00:12:10,190 --> 00:12:13,234
It looked like it was hit by a car,
like... [screeches]

199
00:12:13,234 --> 00:12:17,489
'Cause the shaft was bent this way.
And the nut was turned this way.

200
00:12:17,489 --> 00:12:20,825
But the eye was looking over the shoulder
like this here.

201
00:12:21,951 --> 00:12:24,412
It looked like something out
the music video "Thriller," like...

202
00:12:24,412 --> 00:12:28,791
[humming, laughs]

203
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:31,002
Like, the neck was fucked up.

204
00:12:31,002 --> 00:12:33,171
It looked like my dad's dick
was in an action movie.

205
00:12:33,171 --> 00:12:37,008
Like John Wick snapped the neck
in my daddy's dick.

206
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,720
That nigga dick was so crooked, he need
one of them corrective braces on it.

207
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:44,599
You know, them shits they give you
when you have spine surgery?

208
00:12:55,068 --> 00:12:59,280
And for a minute,
I questioned whether he was my father

209
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,075
because we had different dicks. Like...

210
00:13:02,951 --> 00:13:06,037
No, 'cause my mama, God bless her soul,

211
00:13:06,037 --> 00:13:08,164
she rounded... I had a pretty dick.

212
00:13:08,164 --> 00:13:10,500
My mama, she made sure
it was rounded off.

213
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:12,252
I got that little...
You know what I'm saying?

214
00:13:12,252 --> 00:13:14,087
She cut it right, you know
what I'm saying? I got the fade.

215
00:13:14,087 --> 00:13:15,630
She faded my dick up.

216
00:13:16,756 --> 00:13:19,175
My daddy, nigga,
he had all this extra skin.

217
00:13:19,175 --> 00:13:22,887
I was like, "What the fuck is that?
What is that?!

218
00:13:22,887 --> 00:13:26,224
My father's Puerto Rican!
What the fuck?"

219
00:13:27,350 --> 00:13:29,894
And it wasn't just a little,
it was a lot of skin.

220
00:13:30,603 --> 00:13:32,855
It was so much foreskin, I...

221
00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:36,067
I could have started a beef jerky company.

222
00:13:40,113 --> 00:13:43,825
But my point is,
I changed my daddy's diaper.

223
00:13:46,327 --> 00:13:48,705
But, man, um...

224
00:13:49,747 --> 00:13:51,833
Changing my mama's diaper...

225
00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:59,257
That shit gave me anxiety. I'm not...

226
00:13:59,257 --> 00:14:01,259
You know what I'm saying? Like...

227
00:14:03,136 --> 00:14:04,637
I made a pact with God.

228
00:14:05,388 --> 00:14:08,933
I did. I said, "Lord, strike me down."

229
00:14:10,393 --> 00:14:15,273
[laughs] "Strike me down, or be kind
enough to rip the eyes out my head...

230
00:14:16,482 --> 00:14:18,610
before I ever had to see

231
00:14:19,319 --> 00:14:22,113
a 83-year-old pussy. Just..."

232
00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:25,074
You know what I mean?
Like, I never been married

233
00:14:25,074 --> 00:14:28,494
because I...
they say "till death do you part."

234
00:14:29,162 --> 00:14:33,207
But I got to be honest,
at 70, bitch, I'm out. It's just...

235
00:14:34,459 --> 00:14:36,419
You know what I mean?
Just the thought of it.

236
00:14:36,419 --> 00:14:39,756
Like, you know, I just thought
a 83-year-old vagina, like,

237
00:14:39,756 --> 00:14:42,342
that done seen some shit,
you know what I mean?

238
00:14:42,342 --> 00:14:45,887
83 years of dick.
That's a lot of dick

239
00:14:45,887 --> 00:14:48,056
haunting in that vagina.

240
00:14:48,056 --> 00:14:51,142
Like, it's like an old,
grizzled war veteran, you know?

241
00:14:51,142 --> 00:14:54,896
Just seen some shit.
It's all grizzly and gray and...

242
00:14:54,896 --> 00:14:58,399
You know, and it's served several wars.
It served in Civil War.

243
00:14:58,399 --> 00:15:02,278
It ripped down racist statues
and freed the slaves.

244
00:15:02,278 --> 00:15:05,156
And then it did a long tour in Vietnam.

245
00:15:05,156 --> 00:15:09,118
And... and it served two tours in Iraq.

246
00:15:09,118 --> 00:15:12,664
And now that pussy is preparing for war
with Russia and China.

247
00:15:12,664 --> 00:15:14,040
You know what I mean? Ten kids.

248
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:16,292
My mama, I thought them lips
were going to be all stretched out

249
00:15:16,292 --> 00:15:18,503
like an old washing machine belt.

250
00:15:18,503 --> 00:15:21,673
And I thought it would be like
a portal to a whole new universe.

251
00:15:21,673 --> 00:15:25,385
Like, I could jump in that bitch
and be in the Spider-Man universe.

252
00:15:25,385 --> 00:15:30,807
I just see different versions of me,
<i>Little Man</i> me and me in <i>White Chicks.</i>

253
00:15:30,807 --> 00:15:33,976
And now I see me in <i>Mo' Money</i>
and I'm doing this to me.

254
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:36,270
You know... [laughs]

255
00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:38,773
And I just thought the lips would go...
83, I thought the lips

256
00:15:38,773 --> 00:15:41,484
were gonna be all big and stretched out
from the ten kids.

257
00:15:41,484 --> 00:15:45,321
I thought them... them labias
would be flapping in the wind,

258
00:15:45,321 --> 00:15:49,492
just like the American flag
flapping proudly on the 4th of July.

259
00:15:49,492 --> 00:15:51,786
Or at the Super Bowl,
I just start singing...

260
00:15:51,786 --> 00:15:55,456
<i>♪ Oh, say, can you see? ♪</i>

261
00:15:55,456 --> 00:15:58,543
And then the Blue Angels fly by.
[makes whooshing sound]

262
00:15:58,543 --> 00:16:01,254
And then I'll kneel,
me and Colin Kaepernick.

263
00:16:02,922 --> 00:16:05,174
And I just thought it was going to be
swollen like, you know,

264
00:16:05,174 --> 00:16:08,469
lips would look like Louis Armstrong
when he played the sax. Like...

265
00:16:08,469 --> 00:16:12,640
[hums, mumbles]
<i>♪ What a wonderful world ♪</i>

266
00:16:13,349 --> 00:16:16,310
The lips will be stretched out
and the hair would be coming out.

267
00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:19,647
It would look like an old camel
chewing straw, like...

268
00:16:25,194 --> 00:16:29,157
I thought my mom's vagina
was going to look like...

269
00:16:29,157 --> 00:16:31,868
like Jay-Z when he's 92 years old.

270
00:16:31,868 --> 00:16:35,371
[shouting, laughing]

271
00:16:36,581 --> 00:16:39,417
And so when I went to change her diaper,

272
00:16:39,417 --> 00:16:41,753
I opened the diaper up...
[makes whooshing sound]

273
00:16:41,753 --> 00:16:43,629
And I peeked,

274
00:16:43,629 --> 00:16:46,132
and I was like, "Oh, shit!

275
00:16:46,132 --> 00:16:48,134
Okay, Vi.

276
00:16:49,343 --> 00:16:52,013
With your brand-new baby pussy.

277
00:16:53,765 --> 00:16:56,100
Somebody's been doing their Kegels.

278
00:16:57,310 --> 00:16:59,812
Shawn, come here! Come look at this shit!

279
00:17:01,355 --> 00:17:04,609
Who had ten kids?
Not out that pussy, we didn't.

280
00:17:07,820 --> 00:17:12,033
That's a brand-new pussy, it should
have a price tag and a sensor on it.

281
00:17:12,033 --> 00:17:14,827
You can't steal that pussy from Macy's.
Oh, no."

282
00:17:22,251 --> 00:17:25,171
[crowd shouting indistinctly]

283
00:17:26,130 --> 00:17:29,967
[cheering, applause]

284
00:17:35,890 --> 00:17:39,852
[cheering]

285
00:17:44,357 --> 00:17:48,820
Yeah. I definitely feel
like my parents beat me too much.

286
00:17:48,820 --> 00:17:51,030
[laughs]

287
00:17:51,030 --> 00:17:54,116
And you're like, "Not after the way you
talked about your mom's vagina."

288
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:56,702
You stop judging me, unfold your arms.

289
00:17:58,621 --> 00:17:59,872
Yeah, man.

290
00:18:00,623 --> 00:18:03,042
I still feel like they beat me too much.

291
00:18:04,544 --> 00:18:07,547
But, you know, it's funny. You know,
we always want to be victims in life.

292
00:18:07,547 --> 00:18:09,382
Right?
Everybody always wants to be a victim.

293
00:18:09,382 --> 00:18:11,384
"Oh, I had it the hardest.
You don't know my journey.

294
00:18:11,384 --> 00:18:13,594
I had it the hardest."
Let me tell you something.

295
00:18:13,594 --> 00:18:18,015
No matter how hard you may
have it in your lifetime,

296
00:18:18,015 --> 00:18:21,185
there's always somebody that had it worse.

297
00:18:22,144 --> 00:18:24,564
There's always somebody that had it worse.

298
00:18:24,564 --> 00:18:27,525
I want you to be grateful
for whatever God gave you

299
00:18:27,525 --> 00:18:30,570
in this journey,
you were supposed to have it.

300
00:18:30,570 --> 00:18:33,364
[applause]

301
00:18:34,866 --> 00:18:37,034
And I know
because there was niggas outside

302
00:18:37,034 --> 00:18:39,412
and in my household that had it worse.

303
00:18:39,412 --> 00:18:40,830
You know, I'm the baby.

304
00:18:40,830 --> 00:18:43,291
So I had it actually the easiest.

305
00:18:43,291 --> 00:18:45,126
You know why they had it worse?

306
00:18:45,126 --> 00:18:47,295
Because they had my parents
when they were young.

307
00:18:47,295 --> 00:18:49,213
They had a lot of energy.

308
00:18:49,213 --> 00:18:52,133
When you young,
you could spank for days, just... bap!

309
00:18:52,133 --> 00:18:55,386
Nigga, you try to run.
That nigga got legs, he run with you.

310
00:18:55,386 --> 00:18:58,222
He gonna jump up, "I got you, nigga."

311
00:18:58,222 --> 00:19:00,808
You wanna go down the stairs
under the bed...

312
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,856
[laughs]

313
00:19:06,856 --> 00:19:10,818
When you older, nigga, you just like,
"All right, I'm... [sighs]

314
00:19:10,818 --> 00:19:13,654
You go on, you know what I'm
gonna do to you when I catch you."

315
00:19:16,866 --> 00:19:20,453
My parents,
when my brothers and sisters had 'em,

316
00:19:20,453 --> 00:19:22,413
they were poor.

317
00:19:22,413 --> 00:19:24,206
My parents was poor.

318
00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:27,001
My daddy didn't have no teeth.
This nigga missing front teeth.

319
00:19:27,001 --> 00:19:31,339
He was angry. Ladies, don't date a nigga
with a missing front tooth.

320
00:19:31,339 --> 00:19:33,382
If you here with that nigga tonight,
we in Harlem,

321
00:19:33,382 --> 00:19:35,593
there's a lot of these niggas out here.

322
00:19:36,677 --> 00:19:39,972
That's the style in Harlem, nigga,
you missin' the front tooth.

323
00:19:39,972 --> 00:19:42,600
Women be like, "Oh, he's sexy,
something about that front tooth missing

324
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,436
make me... make me moist inside."

325
00:19:45,436 --> 00:19:46,729
You better leave that nigga.

326
00:19:46,729 --> 00:19:48,898
Nigga missing his front tooth
ain't going to...

327
00:19:48,898 --> 00:19:51,442
He going to beat you.
He gonna beat you.

328
00:19:51,442 --> 00:19:53,778
And he threaten you
through that fucking missing tooth too.

329
00:19:53,778 --> 00:19:56,572
He be like, "Bitch, say something.

330
00:19:57,281 --> 00:19:59,158
[slurring] Say something!"

331
00:20:00,201 --> 00:20:03,162
Then he smoke his Newport
through that missing tooth.

332
00:20:03,746 --> 00:20:06,374
[exhales, laughs]

333
00:20:06,374 --> 00:20:08,709
If he got a missing tooth
and an outie bellybutton,

334
00:20:08,709 --> 00:20:11,253
oh, he beating you, the kids,
and your parents.

335
00:20:14,882 --> 00:20:18,302
I had the easiest version of my parents.

336
00:20:18,302 --> 00:20:23,683
Right? Because I had them after,
you know, my parents was older.

337
00:20:23,683 --> 00:20:26,560
My brothers got money.
My brothers got money.

338
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,271
My brother Damon
bought my father some teeth.

339
00:20:30,064 --> 00:20:33,109
This nigga would not stop smiling.

340
00:20:43,035 --> 00:20:44,495
This nigga...

341
00:20:44,495 --> 00:20:47,707
So my parents, they had disciplinarians.

342
00:20:47,707 --> 00:20:52,294
By the time I came along,
man, I had old friends.

343
00:20:53,462 --> 00:20:56,215
My mother and my father,
they was like my boys, you know.

344
00:20:56,215 --> 00:20:58,551
We had fun, you know what I'm saying?

345
00:20:58,551 --> 00:21:01,637
I used to fuck with my parents.
I was just... I was a troll.

346
00:21:01,637 --> 00:21:04,849
I'd do funny shit, like,
have sex conversations with my parents,

347
00:21:04,849 --> 00:21:07,226
especially because
they were much older than me.

348
00:21:07,226 --> 00:21:09,687
So I used to see how square they were.

349
00:21:09,687 --> 00:21:11,564
So I just asked my mama, said, "Ma, hey.

350
00:21:11,564 --> 00:21:14,984
So when you and Dad, y'all do it,
y'all be doing doggystyle?"

351
00:21:17,069 --> 00:21:19,113
My mother said, "What, nigga?"

352
00:21:20,406 --> 00:21:22,241
I said, "You know, y'all do doggystyle?"

353
00:21:22,241 --> 00:21:26,829
"Doggystyle! I ain't no fucking animal.
What you mean, doggystyle?"

354
00:21:26,829 --> 00:21:29,040
"I mean, do you do it from the back?"
"From the back?

355
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:32,126
Man, this ain't no fucking prison movie!

356
00:21:33,461 --> 00:21:36,547
You gonna turn me over and pump me
from the back like I'm in jail.

357
00:21:36,547 --> 00:21:38,924
No, nigga, you better look at me.

358
00:21:41,385 --> 00:21:44,180
I like to make love.
You look at me, nigga.

359
00:21:45,056 --> 00:21:47,266
And you better not fucking blink.

360
00:21:48,434 --> 00:21:51,479
Not the entire two minutes you do it."

361
00:21:53,022 --> 00:21:54,982
[chuckling]

362
00:21:54,982 --> 00:21:59,070
I'd be like, "So, Ma."
So I say, "Pop ever went down on you?"

363
00:22:01,113 --> 00:22:03,282
My mother said, "Gone down where?"

364
00:22:05,117 --> 00:22:08,120
I said, "You go down to,
you know, eat the groceries."

365
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:09,455
"The groceries?

366
00:22:10,164 --> 00:22:12,666
This starting to sound nasty again.

367
00:22:13,417 --> 00:22:16,462
My groceries in the kitchen
where they belongs."

368
00:22:17,505 --> 00:22:21,967
"No, you ever go down and lick your..."
"Lick my cookie?

369
00:22:21,967 --> 00:22:27,056
I'll kill that nigga,
he put his sour mouth on my vajayjay!

370
00:22:28,641 --> 00:22:32,478
That's nasty. Especially all the shit
that come out there once a month.

371
00:22:32,478 --> 00:22:36,398
You better not kiss me
or my grandbabies ever again!"

372
00:22:38,150 --> 00:22:40,236
I say... [laughs]

373
00:22:40,236 --> 00:22:42,780
This shit was amusing to me.
I'm like, "So, Ma.

374
00:22:42,780 --> 00:22:46,033
So you ever go down on him?"

375
00:22:46,867 --> 00:22:49,829
My mother said, "Nigga go on down where?"

376
00:22:50,788 --> 00:22:53,165
I said, "You never gone down... [gags]

377
00:22:55,668 --> 00:23:00,422
Gone down and sucked..."
"Suck... on that man's cling-clong?

378
00:23:01,841 --> 00:23:07,096
I'll kill that nigga, he put that sour
piece of meat in my fucking mouth!

379
00:23:08,389 --> 00:23:11,517
What kind of dog is that?
You gonna put that meat in my mouth,

380
00:23:11,517 --> 00:23:15,938
I'll bite that nigga dick off and beat him
upside his motherfucking head."

381
00:23:16,689 --> 00:23:20,109
I'll choke that nigga out.
All that skin he got? I'll choke him.

382
00:23:23,445 --> 00:23:25,865
Now, you know I'm allergic to cheese."

383
00:23:25,865 --> 00:23:27,950
[audience laughing]

384
00:23:36,417 --> 00:23:39,545
I had a beautiful time with them.
I used to play with my parents,

385
00:23:39,545 --> 00:23:41,714
and my brothers and sisters
couldn't understand it

386
00:23:41,714 --> 00:23:43,716
because the relationship that they had.

387
00:23:43,716 --> 00:23:46,427
And I remember one time
my brother Keenan and Damon

388
00:23:46,427 --> 00:23:48,596
and all of them was home
from California, right?

389
00:23:48,596 --> 00:23:51,098
And my dad, he was washing dishes.

390
00:23:51,098 --> 00:23:55,394
And he had these sweatpants on,
but they had... the string was loose.

391
00:23:55,394 --> 00:23:58,272
So, you know, I came up behind him.
I told my brothers, "Shh, shh."

392
00:23:58,272 --> 00:24:01,150
I came behind this nigga,
and I pulled his pants down.

393
00:24:01,150 --> 00:24:03,152
[makes whooshing noise]

394
00:24:03,152 --> 00:24:05,738
And that old sour dick popped out.

395
00:24:08,115 --> 00:24:11,327
And y'all, my brothers scattered

396
00:24:12,369 --> 00:24:15,873
like old slaves that didn't know
they had they freedom.

397
00:24:17,041 --> 00:24:20,002
They was like, "Oh, Lord!
Don't you beat him, Pappy, Lord!

398
00:24:20,002 --> 00:24:21,837
Don't you beat him!
He don't know no good!

399
00:24:21,837 --> 00:24:24,882
Pappy, he don't know no good,
he don't know no good!"

400
00:24:28,219 --> 00:24:30,638
And my dad, he pulled his pants up.

401
00:24:31,889 --> 00:24:33,265
He looked at me.

402
00:24:33,891 --> 00:24:37,186
He said, "That was a good one, son.

403
00:24:38,562 --> 00:24:40,689
I'll get you next time, nigga."

404
00:24:42,858 --> 00:24:46,153
And my older siblings
didn't understand what they saw.

405
00:24:47,446 --> 00:24:51,742
They had no idea that inside
of these disciplinarians

406
00:24:51,742 --> 00:24:53,494
that was my parents,

407
00:24:53,494 --> 00:24:57,081
lived this little silly boy

408
00:24:58,040 --> 00:24:59,583
and this little silly girl.

409
00:25:00,668 --> 00:25:03,671
And with your parents,
please experience all of them.

410
00:25:03,671 --> 00:25:06,840
Not just the mask
that they have to wear to raise you,

411
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,842
but make them your friends.

412
00:25:08,842 --> 00:25:11,178
It's the most important thing
you can do for your journey.

413
00:25:11,178 --> 00:25:13,347
Make your parents your friends.

414
00:25:14,390 --> 00:25:17,226
My father taught me the shorthand
of what a man was.

415
00:25:17,226 --> 00:25:18,936
I remember when I was a little boy,
me and my brother Shawn,

416
00:25:18,936 --> 00:25:21,021
we asked my dad, we said, "Dad.

417
00:25:21,021 --> 00:25:23,607
What did you want to be when you grew up?"

418
00:25:23,607 --> 00:25:26,819
My father looked at me. He said,
"I wanted to be a man."

419
00:25:33,450 --> 00:25:37,371
I looked at Shawn like, "Somebody need
to help this nigga with his dreams.

420
00:25:39,415 --> 00:25:42,960
You got some pretty basic aspirations,
if you ask me."

421
00:25:44,461 --> 00:25:47,548
And, you know, I'm a kid. I'm like,
"Okay, well, what kind of man?

422
00:25:47,548 --> 00:25:49,508
You wanna be a policeman?

423
00:25:51,343 --> 00:25:53,012
You wanna be a fireman?

424
00:25:53,846 --> 00:25:57,182
You wanna be a Batman,
a Spider-Man, a Superman?"

425
00:25:57,182 --> 00:26:01,437
My dad said, "No, son,
I just wanted to be a man."

426
00:26:01,437 --> 00:26:06,150
I said, "But, Dad,
every boy grows up to be a man."

427
00:26:06,150 --> 00:26:08,110
He said, "No, son.

428
00:26:08,110 --> 00:26:11,947
There's a lot of little boys
with mustaches out there."

429
00:26:13,324 --> 00:26:15,576
I said, "Then Dad, what's a man?"

430
00:26:15,576 --> 00:26:19,246
He said, "A man, he takes care of himself

431
00:26:19,246 --> 00:26:21,915
and he takes care of his responsibilities.

432
00:26:21,915 --> 00:26:26,086
- A man protects and provides."
- [applause]

433
00:26:26,086 --> 00:26:30,674
"A man puts his woman
and his children before himself.

434
00:26:30,674 --> 00:26:32,634
They are first.

435
00:26:32,634 --> 00:26:36,180
A man is the first one up.
He's the first one to work.

436
00:26:36,180 --> 00:26:39,850
He's the last one home.
And damn it, he's the last one to eat.

437
00:26:40,684 --> 00:26:42,686
That's a man."

438
00:26:42,686 --> 00:26:47,066
[applause]

439
00:26:49,068 --> 00:26:51,195
And my father told me this.

440
00:26:51,195 --> 00:26:53,364
He only had six teeth in his mouth.

441
00:26:56,575 --> 00:26:58,369
I swear to you...

442
00:26:58,369 --> 00:27:01,789
It would take this nigga about three years
to eat a bag of sunflower seeds,

443
00:27:01,789 --> 00:27:03,999
just... [laughs]

444
00:27:05,459 --> 00:27:10,089
Trying to find the right tooth combination
to crack them bitches on there.

445
00:27:17,179 --> 00:27:18,764
And y'all like, "Why? What the fuck?

446
00:27:18,764 --> 00:27:24,019
Why did Mr. Wayans have six teeth
in his mouth?"

447
00:27:24,019 --> 00:27:29,525
Well, either my father went to the dentist
and he fixed his smile,

448
00:27:29,525 --> 00:27:33,570
or he prioritized,

449
00:27:33,570 --> 00:27:35,697
or what I call sacrificed,

450
00:27:36,657 --> 00:27:39,993
and he fed his woman, and his children,

451
00:27:39,993 --> 00:27:43,664
and his grandchildren
three square meals a day.

452
00:27:44,957 --> 00:27:48,669
[applause, cheering]

453
00:27:50,546 --> 00:27:53,757
My father, Howell Wayans, was a man.

454
00:27:53,757 --> 00:27:58,053
[applause, cheering]

455
00:28:01,723 --> 00:28:04,435
And ever since that day,
I too wanted to be a man.

456
00:28:05,519 --> 00:28:08,397
Just a really rich man,
because I'll be goddamned!

457
00:28:09,231 --> 00:28:12,776
If I have a snaggly ass tooth smile
like this nigga...

458
00:28:12,776 --> 00:28:16,196
My mother used to call him
a "Blackalantern." [laughs]

459
00:28:18,740 --> 00:28:20,784
We ask her for money
for a pumpkin on Halloween,

460
00:28:20,784 --> 00:28:23,537
"Mama, we have money for a pumpkin?"
"You don't need no fucking pumpkin.

461
00:28:23,537 --> 00:28:26,957
Put a candle in your father's mouth
and sit that nigga on the porch."

462
00:28:32,504 --> 00:28:36,091
Enjoy your life. Enjoy your parents.

463
00:28:36,091 --> 00:28:39,428
Enjoy your loved ones
as long as you can live and breathe,

464
00:28:39,428 --> 00:28:44,975
please, do the best you can to get
as much out of life as you can.

465
00:28:44,975 --> 00:28:48,562
[cheering, applause]

466
00:28:49,938 --> 00:28:53,567
Because I'm gonna keep it real.
I can give you my wisdom at 50.

467
00:28:53,567 --> 00:28:57,696
Let me tell y'all something.
This shit called life, it gets dark!

468
00:28:58,447 --> 00:29:03,368
And anybody in here who's older than 50
know what the fuck I'm talking about.

469
00:29:03,368 --> 00:29:08,582
Let me tell you something.
I lost 57 people that I loved

470
00:29:08,582 --> 00:29:10,334
in the last three years.

471
00:29:11,376 --> 00:29:13,962
- But I still say God is good.
- [cheering]

472
00:29:13,962 --> 00:29:17,966
- God is good.
- [applause]

473
00:29:17,966 --> 00:29:20,052
Because I look at the bright side.

474
00:29:20,052 --> 00:29:24,806
No matter how dark shit is,
there's always a bright side, right?

475
00:29:24,806 --> 00:29:27,976
I lost 57 people I love and I'm grateful.
You know why?

476
00:29:27,976 --> 00:29:30,354
Because one of those niggas
could have been me.

477
00:29:30,354 --> 00:29:32,439
And I'm really happy...

478
00:29:34,191 --> 00:29:37,361
that God picked those other niggas
instead. You know?

479
00:29:39,821 --> 00:29:42,282
I don't question Jehovah.

480
00:29:43,492 --> 00:29:46,286
The Lord knows what he's doing.

481
00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:53,752
Y'all gotta think about this. There's
a new celebrity dying every other day.

482
00:29:53,752 --> 00:29:56,421
Like, yo, these are my peers.

483
00:29:56,421 --> 00:29:58,715
And I'm like, "Wow!

484
00:29:58,715 --> 00:30:03,136
God is making some really solid choices."

485
00:30:10,811 --> 00:30:12,813
[laughs]

486
00:30:12,813 --> 00:30:14,606
I mean, real talk.
Like, let's think about this.

487
00:30:14,606 --> 00:30:17,317
Like, me...

488
00:30:20,028 --> 00:30:23,323
[crowd shouting]

489
00:30:23,323 --> 00:30:26,702
...or Coolio. It was Coolio's time to go.

490
00:30:28,078 --> 00:30:31,123
Bye, Coolio. It was his time to go.

491
00:30:31,790 --> 00:30:35,252
That nigga looked dead when he was alive.
Come on, y'all.

492
00:30:36,128 --> 00:30:39,256
He only had two braids left.
It was his time.

493
00:30:42,634 --> 00:30:45,637
Honestly, I thought crack killed
that nigga in the '80s.

494
00:30:45,637 --> 00:30:47,514
Him and Flavor Flav.

495
00:30:48,974 --> 00:30:51,893
- Is Flavor Flav still alive?
- [crowd shouting]

496
00:30:51,893 --> 00:30:54,730
Well, that nigga looked dead
last time I seen him.

497
00:30:56,148 --> 00:30:57,816
[laughs]

498
00:30:57,816 --> 00:31:00,152
Flav one of them niggas
that you thought been dead.

499
00:31:01,069 --> 00:31:04,865
When he die, ain't gonna be no hash tag,
"Gone too soon."

500
00:31:08,035 --> 00:31:11,955
It'll be hashtag:
"Mm, about time, nigga. About time."

501
00:31:12,914 --> 00:31:15,584
[laughs]

502
00:31:15,584 --> 00:31:19,504
No, but you know, like, the whole theory,
like, "Why him?"

503
00:31:19,504 --> 00:31:23,717
I feel like sometimes I wish I could
replace one death with another death.

504
00:31:23,717 --> 00:31:25,761
You know what I mean? It was like...

505
00:31:25,761 --> 00:31:30,223
I started thinking, "Why him?"
when Kobe died.

506
00:31:31,016 --> 00:31:33,143
When Kobe died, it fucked me up.

507
00:31:33,143 --> 00:31:36,063
That really hurt, man.
I was like, "Come on, God."

508
00:31:36,063 --> 00:31:38,732
- [crowd shouting]
- Right?

509
00:31:38,732 --> 00:31:41,109
Like, don't take the greatest Laker.

510
00:31:43,403 --> 00:31:46,073
- Take Derek Fisher.
- [crowd groans]

511
00:31:46,073 --> 00:31:49,743
Oh, he's out here fucking
on people's wives. It's adultery.

512
00:31:49,743 --> 00:31:52,954
It's a goddamn sin,
don't you "aww" me, niggas.

513
00:31:52,954 --> 00:31:54,164
Your wife may be next.

514
00:31:54,164 --> 00:31:57,000
She may have a thing for short niggas
with three-point shots.

515
00:31:58,335 --> 00:32:01,254
I can't believe y'all niggas
"aww'd" me on that shit.

516
00:32:01,254 --> 00:32:06,009
Oh, y'all sensitive out here in Harlem.
Oh, y'all got gentrified on me, nigga?

517
00:32:06,009 --> 00:32:07,678
[audience laughing]

518
00:32:09,971 --> 00:32:14,976
Ever since they put a Starbucks on 125th,
you niggas done changed.

519
00:32:20,357 --> 00:32:24,152
[laughs]

520
00:32:24,152 --> 00:32:26,947
Yeah, y'all really ain't gonna
like this next one. So I'm just gonna...

521
00:32:27,948 --> 00:32:31,034
I'ma sip my water while you niggas
complain and "ooh."

522
00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:33,662
Don't take Kobe.

523
00:32:34,746 --> 00:32:39,584
- Take Shaq.
- [crowd exclaims]

524
00:32:42,796 --> 00:32:45,716
Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

525
00:32:46,341 --> 00:32:49,928
I know, I know. I love the big fella too.

526
00:32:51,096 --> 00:32:53,557
I love the big fella too.
But y'all in denial.

527
00:32:53,557 --> 00:32:56,268
That nigga ain't got long to live.
Come on.

528
00:32:56,268 --> 00:32:58,311
He ain't got long to live.

529
00:32:58,311 --> 00:33:01,648
That nigga has at least three or four
diseases killing Black men

530
00:33:01,648 --> 00:33:02,983
in their early 50s.

531
00:33:02,983 --> 00:33:05,861
Hypertension, diabetes,

532
00:33:05,861 --> 00:33:08,238
swollen prostate, the sugars.

533
00:33:11,408 --> 00:33:12,701
Yeah, that nigga had the sugars.

534
00:33:12,701 --> 00:33:14,035
I know what the fuck
the sugars look like.

535
00:33:14,035 --> 00:33:15,579
I got three uncles with the sugars.

536
00:33:20,208 --> 00:33:22,544
Y'all better give him his flowers.
Tweet that nigga after the show.

537
00:33:22,544 --> 00:33:23,962
Hit him on Threads.

538
00:33:24,963 --> 00:33:26,923
I hug him real hard.
Every time I see Shaq,

539
00:33:26,923 --> 00:33:29,676
I just grab him by his ankle,
"Come here, big fella."

540
00:33:31,762 --> 00:33:33,555
I don't care how big his heart is.

541
00:33:33,555 --> 00:33:36,641
It is not big enough to pump blood
through all that nigga.

542
00:33:37,476 --> 00:33:39,936
Dinosaurs don't live long, people.

543
00:33:40,896 --> 00:33:44,566
Look at his eyes. When Shaq wake up,
nigga all loose-eyed.

544
00:33:44,566 --> 00:33:48,528
All of a sudden, you wake up at 50
years old, nigga, and your eye is loose,

545
00:33:48,528 --> 00:33:50,864
you probably born with this shit, nigga.

546
00:33:50,864 --> 00:33:54,284
You wake up at 50 and your eye is loose,
you better call a physician.

547
00:33:55,869 --> 00:33:58,997
His tongue is heavy.
I haven't understood a word Shaq said

548
00:33:58,997 --> 00:34:01,124
in the last five years.

549
00:34:01,124 --> 00:34:02,793
He just be mumbling. Watch TNT.

550
00:34:02,793 --> 00:34:04,878
This nigga just be mumbling
with his raspy voice.

551
00:34:04,878 --> 00:34:07,464
Every now and then,
you get the clear name of a player

552
00:34:07,464 --> 00:34:09,508
or the clear name of a sponsor.

553
00:34:09,508 --> 00:34:12,177
But other than that, you don't know what
the fuck this nigga's talking about.

554
00:34:12,177 --> 00:34:15,347
He be on that show talking about...
[mumbles]

555
00:34:16,598 --> 00:34:20,560
[mumbles]

556
00:34:20,977 --> 00:34:23,396
[mumbles]

557
00:34:24,564 --> 00:34:27,734
Kobe. [mumbles]

558
00:34:30,529 --> 00:34:33,865
Icy Hot. [mumbles]

559
00:34:38,203 --> 00:34:41,873
Charles. [mumbles]

560
00:34:42,332 --> 00:34:44,292
Nutragenics. [mumbles]

561
00:34:46,378 --> 00:34:48,755
Papa John's Pizza.

562
00:34:50,340 --> 00:34:51,842
Big dude...

563
00:34:52,759 --> 00:34:56,388
Nigga, closed caption be like, "I don't
know what he fuck this nigga said."

564
00:35:01,893 --> 00:35:05,856
I can't believe you niggas
"aww'd" me on Shaq. Oh, man!

565
00:35:06,481 --> 00:35:09,025
I had a darker joke.
But I'm not going to tell you.

566
00:35:09,025 --> 00:35:12,320
[cheering]

567
00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:15,824
All right, fuck it, nigga,
I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck!

568
00:35:15,824 --> 00:35:19,369
[cheering, applause]

569
00:35:19,369 --> 00:35:24,249
All right. So the whole "Why him?" theory,

570
00:35:24,249 --> 00:35:27,586
right, like with death, if you could
pick this person versus that person.

571
00:35:27,586 --> 00:35:29,754
This whole "Why him?" theory.

572
00:35:29,754 --> 00:35:32,007
It started for me when Kobe died.

573
00:35:32,007 --> 00:35:36,261
When Kobe died, like I said,
I was fucked up because I knew Kobe.

574
00:35:36,261 --> 00:35:38,388
You know what I mean? Kobe was a friend.

575
00:35:38,388 --> 00:35:43,476
When he died, I was like,
"Come on, God, don't take Kobe.

576
00:35:45,270 --> 00:35:47,898
Take Magic. He has AIDS."

577
00:35:47,898 --> 00:35:51,151
[cheering, groaning]

578
00:35:55,697 --> 00:35:57,657
He got AIDS!

579
00:35:57,657 --> 00:36:01,494
Why take healthy Kobe
when Magic got AIDS?

580
00:36:01,494 --> 00:36:04,372
You want a Laker?
Take the nigga with AIDS.

581
00:36:05,540 --> 00:36:08,710
I know. Listen, I cried in 1984.

582
00:36:08,710 --> 00:36:11,171
This nigga should have been dead by '85.

583
00:36:12,255 --> 00:36:17,052
2023, Magic Johnson
is still the fuck alive,

584
00:36:17,052 --> 00:36:20,889
and dare I say well, with AIDS,
and Kobe's dead?

585
00:36:20,889 --> 00:36:23,016
Come on, man!

586
00:36:23,016 --> 00:36:24,976
Put Magic's sick ass in a helicopter

587
00:36:24,976 --> 00:36:27,604
and crash that shit
into the side of a mountain.

588
00:36:31,024 --> 00:36:34,527
How long is Magic Johnson
gonna live with AIDS?

589
00:36:34,527 --> 00:36:37,614
Can we talk about it?
What the fuck kinda AIDS is this?

590
00:36:38,907 --> 00:36:42,577
This nigga had AIDS for 50 years.

591
00:36:43,244 --> 00:36:47,123
I know niggas with herpes that died in 12.
Why is this nigga still alive?

592
00:36:50,126 --> 00:36:52,379
Fifty years of AIDS!

593
00:36:52,379 --> 00:36:54,756
What the fuck kinda AIDS is this?

594
00:36:54,756 --> 00:36:59,970
Magic has had AIDS longer
than that nigga has not had AIDS.

595
00:37:00,929 --> 00:37:05,266
And this nigga just skipping through,
like, somebody tell Magic he got AIDS.

596
00:37:05,266 --> 00:37:08,937
He just skipping through life,
all happy and shit with AIDS.

597
00:37:08,937 --> 00:37:11,189
Nigga, if you don't sit your ass
in the house...

598
00:37:12,273 --> 00:37:13,984
He's still happily married.

599
00:37:13,984 --> 00:37:17,654
Happily married to Cookie,
happily married with AIDS.

600
00:37:17,654 --> 00:37:20,573
Bitch, if you don't leave
this nigga already...

601
00:37:20,573 --> 00:37:24,577
He got AIDS.
It's irreconcilable differences, boo.

602
00:37:26,162 --> 00:37:28,665
She all in pictures cuddled up and shit.

603
00:37:29,541 --> 00:37:33,211
We know he's still fucking her raw.
She ain't got this shit.

604
00:37:33,211 --> 00:37:35,588
He got this gay-ass son.
That's double AIDS.

605
00:37:35,588 --> 00:37:37,382
He ain't got this shit.

606
00:37:38,341 --> 00:37:42,262
[crowd cheering, groaning]

607
00:37:46,766 --> 00:37:50,603
Oh, come on. Don't act like Magic's son
ain't a badass bitch.

608
00:37:53,314 --> 00:37:56,234
Nigga, that nigga's thicc with two "C's."

609
00:37:56,234 --> 00:37:59,404
Nigga, he caught me, I did a double take.
Nigga had some Daisy Dukes on.

610
00:37:59,404 --> 00:38:01,948
I said, "Oh... oh, that's a nigga! Fuck!

611
00:38:02,866 --> 00:38:04,617
Nigga!"

612
00:38:07,203 --> 00:38:09,539
I'm sorry, what kind of AIDS you get

613
00:38:09,539 --> 00:38:12,542
where you get more rich
and more handsome?

614
00:38:12,542 --> 00:38:14,711
Magic Johnson has never
been more successful

615
00:38:14,711 --> 00:38:16,963
than he is right now with AIDS.

616
00:38:16,963 --> 00:38:19,340
What the fuck?
He owns part of the Lakers,

617
00:38:19,340 --> 00:38:22,635
part of the Dodgers,
the man just bought a football team.

618
00:38:22,635 --> 00:38:26,514
He's in <i>Forbes</i> as a billionaire.
All this with AIDS.

619
00:38:26,514 --> 00:38:29,225
What kind of AIDS is this?
Financial aids?

620
00:38:29,225 --> 00:38:31,311
[audience laughing]

621
00:38:37,984 --> 00:38:39,527
I want those AIDS.

622
00:38:40,612 --> 00:38:43,448
I want those AIDS!
Sign me the fuck up!

623
00:38:43,448 --> 00:38:45,867
Yeah, I don't want them Freddie Mercurys
or them Eazy-Es.

624
00:38:45,867 --> 00:38:48,328
You keep them skinny nigga AIDS.

625
00:38:50,038 --> 00:38:52,499
But them Magic Johnson rich nigga AIDS?

626
00:38:52,499 --> 00:38:55,752
You show me the monkey he fucked.
I got next.

627
00:39:01,633 --> 00:39:05,762
You know, I know what I've been saying
is a little dark, right?

628
00:39:05,762 --> 00:39:09,265
My humor has gotten darker
because my life has gotten darker.

629
00:39:09,265 --> 00:39:11,518
Everything was all fun and games.

630
00:39:11,518 --> 00:39:16,064
And then I've been dodging depression
for the last three years.

631
00:39:16,648 --> 00:39:18,942
I lost my mama three years ago.

632
00:39:18,942 --> 00:39:21,194
And let me tell y'all something.

633
00:39:21,820 --> 00:39:25,073
Ain't no pain,
nothing like losing your mama.

634
00:39:25,740 --> 00:39:28,618
Like, I'm serious.
Like, I loved my daddy.

635
00:39:28,618 --> 00:39:30,995
But if I had to choose... mm!

636
00:39:33,915 --> 00:39:35,333
Bye, Howell!

637
00:39:36,417 --> 00:39:39,462
Bye, nigga, happy Wednesday, Howell!

638
00:39:39,462 --> 00:39:42,215
Happy fucking Wednesday!

639
00:39:42,215 --> 00:39:44,509
Give my love to Coolio, huh?

640
00:39:47,846 --> 00:39:49,722
Nothing like losing your mama, man.

641
00:39:49,722 --> 00:39:52,016
I'm telling you right now,
life gets real when you lose your mama.

642
00:39:52,016 --> 00:39:55,979
And if anybody in here lost they mama,
my condolences.

643
00:39:55,979 --> 00:39:58,815
My condolences.
I don't care if it was last week,

644
00:39:58,815 --> 00:40:02,443
two weeks ago,
three months ago, last year,

645
00:40:02,443 --> 00:40:07,490
five years ago, 25 years ago,
it doesn't matter.

646
00:40:07,490 --> 00:40:10,535
That is a pain that never goes away.

647
00:40:10,535 --> 00:40:15,081
So to all you people that lost your mama,
we are part of an elite group,

648
00:40:15,081 --> 00:40:18,501
we are a motherfucking gang.
The Dead Mama Gang. Gang, gang!

649
00:40:18,501 --> 00:40:22,881
Gang, gang! Gang, gang!

650
00:40:23,548 --> 00:40:24,757
You still got your mama?

651
00:40:24,757 --> 00:40:27,510
Oh, bitch-ass nigga got his mama.

652
00:40:27,510 --> 00:40:30,763
Oh, bitch-ass nigga got his mommy, nigga!

653
00:40:30,763 --> 00:40:34,809
Aww! Bitch-ass nigga got his mommy!

654
00:40:34,809 --> 00:40:37,478
You be having
Mother's Day brunches, nigga?

655
00:40:39,105 --> 00:40:43,193
Oh, you be breastfeeding still,
getting milk in your beard, nigga.

656
00:40:43,193 --> 00:40:44,903
[sucking]

657
00:40:46,654 --> 00:40:49,866
I ain't shit, I set that nigga up.
I'm sorry. [laughs]

658
00:40:49,866 --> 00:40:51,910
I'm just jealous.

659
00:40:51,910 --> 00:40:53,828
Do me a favor. You be good to her.

660
00:40:54,871 --> 00:40:57,749
You be good to her. As long
as you got her, you be good to her.

661
00:40:57,749 --> 00:41:00,627
[cheering, applause]

662
00:41:01,544 --> 00:41:06,132
Love my mama. If it wasn't for my mama,
I would have never had Christmas.

663
00:41:06,132 --> 00:41:07,592
Yeah. You know why?

664
00:41:07,592 --> 00:41:09,969
This nigga, Howell!

665
00:41:11,221 --> 00:41:13,348
The Grinch that stole a witness.

666
00:41:14,682 --> 00:41:18,478
This man didn't believe
in fucking birthdays or Christmas.

667
00:41:18,478 --> 00:41:22,273
What kind of evil cult
are you a part of, nigga?

668
00:41:23,358 --> 00:41:25,985
Every Christmas,
my father wouldn't participate.

669
00:41:25,985 --> 00:41:30,823
This nigga would lock the door
to his bedroom. [makes thumping sound]

670
00:41:30,823 --> 00:41:34,118
Lock my mom and all the kids
outside of his room.

671
00:41:34,702 --> 00:41:37,372
And my mama, she's the sweetest woman
you ever wanted to meet.

672
00:41:37,372 --> 00:41:41,960
Very articulate, well-spoken,
college educated.

673
00:41:41,960 --> 00:41:45,088
But, man, when she was mad,
the shit that she would say,

674
00:41:45,088 --> 00:41:47,840
the curse words that would come out
this woman's mouth.

675
00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:51,094
We used to call her Richard Pryor
with titties. The shit...

676
00:41:52,470 --> 00:41:54,889
She was funny.
It didn't even make no sense sometimes.

677
00:41:54,889 --> 00:41:57,058
"Open the door, you pussy bitch."

678
00:41:58,851 --> 00:42:02,230
"A pussy bitch? Shawn,
can you be both a pussy and a bitch?"

679
00:42:03,106 --> 00:42:07,151
"I guess so." "I know you hear me
in there, you nipple-dick nigga."

680
00:42:08,027 --> 00:42:09,779
"A nipple-dick nigga?

681
00:42:10,780 --> 00:42:16,369
How small is Father's dick that Mother
would compare it to a nipple?"

682
00:42:16,369 --> 00:42:19,706
"I know you hear me in there,
faggot balls."

683
00:42:20,707 --> 00:42:23,084
[laughs] "Faggot balls?"

684
00:42:23,751 --> 00:42:25,336
Every Christmas,

685
00:42:26,379 --> 00:42:28,715
my father would lock his door.
[imitates door closing]

686
00:42:28,715 --> 00:42:30,550
And my mother,
what I loved about my mother,

687
00:42:30,550 --> 00:42:32,135
let me tell you something about women.

688
00:42:32,135 --> 00:42:35,471
Men, we make the rules,
but when women break your rules,

689
00:42:35,471 --> 00:42:37,890
it's because they know
what they kids need.

690
00:42:37,890 --> 00:42:39,726
My mother knew her children.

691
00:42:39,726 --> 00:42:43,021
My father knew we needed God,
and we did.

692
00:42:43,021 --> 00:42:45,356
But my mama knew we needed love.

693
00:42:45,356 --> 00:42:49,235
So she thwarted the greatest authority
in my household, which was my father,

694
00:42:49,235 --> 00:42:53,239
and she fought for us like,
"Nah, nigga. We still gonna celebrate.

695
00:42:53,239 --> 00:42:54,949
Ya ho, ho, ho.

696
00:42:56,367 --> 00:43:00,038
Come on, kids." And my mama
go get that Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

697
00:43:01,247 --> 00:43:03,207
We were so poor,
we didn't have a stand for the tree.

698
00:43:03,207 --> 00:43:06,294
So she just leaned that shit
on the wall like a junkie.

699
00:43:07,503 --> 00:43:09,756
And I don't know where she got the money.

700
00:43:09,756 --> 00:43:12,800
Know what I mean? Like, I don't know
if she was slinging dope or slinging ass.

701
00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:14,802
[laughs]

702
00:43:14,802 --> 00:43:18,639
But it's magical the way that mothers
find the money to get their kids gifts.

703
00:43:18,639 --> 00:43:21,726
My mother always found money
to get us gifts.

704
00:43:21,726 --> 00:43:23,478
[applause]

705
00:43:24,687 --> 00:43:27,190
And she'd get one gift per kid.

706
00:43:27,190 --> 00:43:31,527
There'd be 218 gifts
underneath the Wayans' tree.

707
00:43:32,236 --> 00:43:35,031
Only Nick Cannon's tree
would have more gifts.

708
00:43:36,282 --> 00:43:38,951
And my dad would have his door locked,
and my mama,

709
00:43:38,951 --> 00:43:41,454
straight out of New York,
she was a fucking troll.

710
00:43:41,454 --> 00:43:43,581
She was a troll.
My mama had this theory.

711
00:43:43,581 --> 00:43:47,543
She said she always had the last laugh.

712
00:43:47,543 --> 00:43:50,713
My dad think he having
a nice quiet evening off.

713
00:43:50,713 --> 00:43:53,549
My mother go, "Come on, babies."
"Where we goin', Mama?"

714
00:43:53,549 --> 00:43:56,594
"Oh, we going Christmas caroling.
Come on."

715
00:43:56,594 --> 00:43:59,263
And she would line us up,
all ten of us,

716
00:43:59,263 --> 00:44:01,391
right outside that nigga's locked door.

717
00:44:02,975 --> 00:44:05,311
Like a gospel choir. [laughs]

718
00:44:05,311 --> 00:44:08,606
We went from the Wayans family
to the Winans Family.

719
00:44:08,606 --> 00:44:11,734
She pulled out a little harmony whistle.
[makes tone sound]

720
00:44:13,861 --> 00:44:17,156
Then she'd make us sing
real loud Christmas carols

721
00:44:17,156 --> 00:44:18,658
right to that nigga's door.

722
00:44:18,658 --> 00:44:21,452
<i>♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la ♪</i>

723
00:44:21,452 --> 00:44:24,288
"Louder, niggas!"
<i>♪ Fa, la, la, la, la ♪</i>

724
00:44:25,248 --> 00:44:26,374
"Hit the high note, Shawn."

725
00:44:26,374 --> 00:44:29,252
[high-pitched singing]

726
00:44:29,961 --> 00:44:32,004
And the woman was funny.

727
00:44:32,964 --> 00:44:34,715
This woman was hilar...

728
00:44:34,715 --> 00:44:37,218
She used to the rewrite
the Christmas carols.

729
00:44:37,218 --> 00:44:39,262
My mother used to rewrite
the Christmas carols,

730
00:44:39,262 --> 00:44:42,557
and the first half be dedicated
to Christmas joy. Oh, it'd be so sweet.

731
00:44:42,557 --> 00:44:44,559
And the other half be dedicated
to my father.

732
00:44:44,559 --> 00:44:46,227
It'd be like, "Fuck you, nigga."

733
00:44:47,478 --> 00:44:51,357
She be like...
<i>♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪</i>

734
00:44:51,357 --> 00:44:54,777
<i>♪ My true love gave to me ♪</i>

735
00:44:54,777 --> 00:44:58,531
"Nothing because he's a broke-ass cheap
Jehovah Witness-ass nigga

736
00:44:58,531 --> 00:45:01,284
with a little nipple dick
and faggoty balls.

737
00:45:04,996 --> 00:45:08,624
Here's another Jehovah Witness
Christmas carol. You ready, kids?

738
00:45:08,624 --> 00:45:13,880
<i>♪ We ♪</i> [drawing out note]

739
00:45:18,676 --> 00:45:20,595
<i>♪ Wish you a happy Wednesday ♪</i>

740
00:45:20,595 --> 00:45:26,976
<i>♪ We wish you a happy Wednesday ♪</i>

741
00:45:26,976 --> 00:45:29,937
<i>♪ 'Cause your daddy ain't shit ♪</i>

742
00:45:35,151 --> 00:45:39,572
People ask,
what made your family so successful?

743
00:45:39,572 --> 00:45:43,826
My father, his presence in our life,

744
00:45:43,826 --> 00:45:48,122
his introduction to God,
his commitment to Jehovah.

745
00:45:48,873 --> 00:45:52,793
But the secret ingredient
was my mother's love.

746
00:45:52,793 --> 00:45:55,505
- [applause]
- Those fucking Christmases, man.

747
00:45:55,505 --> 00:45:57,173
They made us feel special.

748
00:45:57,173 --> 00:46:00,343
When we opened those gifts,
those wasn't gifts we was opening.

749
00:46:01,052 --> 00:46:03,095
Those were little boxes of hope.

750
00:46:04,138 --> 00:46:07,808
[applause]

751
00:46:11,521 --> 00:46:13,189
And we opened those gifts.

752
00:46:13,189 --> 00:46:16,067
And I knew it was my mother
that gave us those gifts.

753
00:46:16,067 --> 00:46:17,527
I knew it.

754
00:46:17,527 --> 00:46:19,862
'Cause women, y'all funny. [laughs]

755
00:46:19,862 --> 00:46:23,574
Y'all don't let Santa Claus
take the credit for your gifts. [laughs]

756
00:46:24,283 --> 00:46:28,162
Y'all will cross that nigga name off
every fucking name tag.

757
00:46:28,162 --> 00:46:31,207
"From Santa, my Black ass, shit.

758
00:46:31,207 --> 00:46:33,834
Not after I worked two shifts at Walmart.

759
00:46:34,585 --> 00:46:37,004
Love Mama."

760
00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:40,466
And my mother was smart to do that.
Because you know what?

761
00:46:40,466 --> 00:46:45,221
One day when we made money,
every Christmas we hooked my mama up.

762
00:46:45,221 --> 00:46:48,849
We bought my mom a house,
we bought my mom a car,

763
00:46:48,849 --> 00:46:52,353
we bought my mother clothes,
we bought my mother furs,

764
00:46:52,353 --> 00:46:55,231
we bought my mother fucking jewelry,

765
00:46:55,231 --> 00:46:57,525
we bought my mother furniture.

766
00:46:57,525 --> 00:47:02,321
Yes, furniture,
with all the plastic slip covers

767
00:47:02,321 --> 00:47:08,369
a Black woman from Harlem
could ever dream up.

768
00:47:10,246 --> 00:47:14,292
And my daddy,
we didn't get that nigga shit!

769
00:47:16,544 --> 00:47:18,879
Nah, 'cause Christmas time,
we make some money,

770
00:47:18,879 --> 00:47:20,214
all of a sudden at Christmas time...

771
00:47:20,214 --> 00:47:22,383
[makes screeching sound]

772
00:47:22,383 --> 00:47:24,719
This nigga's door is wide open.

773
00:47:26,721 --> 00:47:28,848
And he's sitting there
with them begging-ass eyes,

774
00:47:28,848 --> 00:47:30,391
you know, them poverty eyes.

775
00:47:31,392 --> 00:47:33,853
Them "feel sorry for me nigga" eyes.

776
00:47:36,063 --> 00:47:38,858
We looked that nigga right
in his face, go, "Hey.

777
00:47:38,858 --> 00:47:40,735
Happy Wednesday, nigga."

778
00:47:43,946 --> 00:47:46,616
My parents was different.
They lived different.

779
00:47:46,616 --> 00:47:47,867
They died different.

780
00:47:47,867 --> 00:47:49,785
My father wanted to die.

781
00:47:51,078 --> 00:47:54,332
He wanted to die. He gave up on life.

782
00:47:54,332 --> 00:47:56,125
And here's what happened.

783
00:47:56,125 --> 00:47:58,628
My mother preceded my father in death.

784
00:48:00,087 --> 00:48:01,756
My dad came to the funeral.

785
00:48:02,965 --> 00:48:07,595
He seen the woman he loved
since he was 13 years old.

786
00:48:08,512 --> 00:48:13,893
The woman he fell in love with
right here in Harlem in a casket.

787
00:48:14,852 --> 00:48:16,646
And my father saw my mother.

788
00:48:16,646 --> 00:48:18,147
He turned white.

789
00:48:18,814 --> 00:48:22,234
And this nigga just threw up.
[gagging]

790
00:48:22,234 --> 00:48:27,615
Like, not once, several times. [gagging]

791
00:48:29,742 --> 00:48:32,870
At a point,
it got real funny to us Wayans.

792
00:48:32,870 --> 00:48:35,498
[laughing]

793
00:48:35,498 --> 00:48:38,417
My brother Damon was like,
"Look at his back. Look at his back.

794
00:48:43,798 --> 00:48:48,344
He looks like a ghetto question mark."
[gags, laughs]

795
00:48:51,347 --> 00:48:54,767
And after that, we begged my father
to stay in LA and let us take care of him.

796
00:48:54,767 --> 00:48:58,145
My father was like,
"No, I've gotta go. I gotta go."

797
00:48:58,145 --> 00:48:59,772
He came back to New York.

798
00:48:59,772 --> 00:49:05,069
My father locked himself in the house,
and he sat there in a chair.

799
00:49:05,069 --> 00:49:07,029
He stopped going out.

800
00:49:07,029 --> 00:49:09,490
My father stopped doing his ministry.

801
00:49:09,490 --> 00:49:12,410
Let me tell y'all something
about Jehovah Witnesses.

802
00:49:12,410 --> 00:49:16,330
They live to get those doors
slammed in their face.

803
00:49:17,915 --> 00:49:19,959
It makes them powerful.

804
00:49:19,959 --> 00:49:21,919
[laughs] "Another one!"

805
00:49:23,671 --> 00:49:27,717
He stopped doing his ministry.
He sat in his chair watching NY1,

806
00:49:27,717 --> 00:49:31,846
the 24-minute loop,
he just watched that shit over and over.

807
00:49:31,846 --> 00:49:35,057
He had two bottles of vodka,
a bottle of wine he would drink.

808
00:49:35,057 --> 00:49:38,102
And he sat there
until his body deconditioned.

809
00:49:38,102 --> 00:49:41,188
And my dad would sit in his chair
and he'd just go,

810
00:49:41,188 --> 00:49:45,484
-"I miss my gal."
- [audience] Aww...

811
00:49:46,652 --> 00:49:49,029
"I miss my gal.

812
00:49:50,114 --> 00:49:51,782
I miss her odor." [mutters]

813
00:49:51,782 --> 00:49:55,494
"Odor? [laughs]

814
00:49:55,494 --> 00:49:57,288
Fuck you mean, her odor, nigga?

815
00:49:57,288 --> 00:50:00,332
You mean the smell of old wigs
and fish sticks?"

816
00:50:01,709 --> 00:50:06,922
But what my father meant was...
her odor, he meant her pheromones.

817
00:50:06,922 --> 00:50:10,843
When you love somebody, they could
be stink as fuck to everybody in here.

818
00:50:10,843 --> 00:50:12,720
"What the fuck is that smell?"

819
00:50:13,763 --> 00:50:16,599
But to that one person that love you,
she's like,

820
00:50:16,599 --> 00:50:18,517
"That's my little stinky boo."

821
00:50:22,772 --> 00:50:24,482
He missed his person.

822
00:50:24,482 --> 00:50:28,694
My father sat in his chair
and he drank himself to death. Literally.

823
00:50:28,694 --> 00:50:34,533
We watched him suffer for three years
until finally he passed.

824
00:50:35,367 --> 00:50:38,037
And when he passed,
we buried him right next to my mama

825
00:50:38,037 --> 00:50:41,165
so she could curse that nigga out
for the rest of eternity.

826
00:50:42,917 --> 00:50:45,336
And we was at the funeral,
and all of us Wayans was thinking like,

827
00:50:45,336 --> 00:50:50,716
"Damn." After watching my father suffer
like that, we was like, "Fuck.

828
00:50:50,716 --> 00:50:52,718
[sighs]

829
00:50:52,718 --> 00:50:56,680
My mama must have had
some spectacular pussy because...

830
00:50:56,680 --> 00:51:01,018
[laughs] this nigga chased
that pussy to the grave."

831
00:51:02,186 --> 00:51:04,730
I saw it, it was tight.
I see what he doing. Know what I mean?

832
00:51:04,730 --> 00:51:06,607
[laughs]

833
00:51:10,945 --> 00:51:15,074
My mother was different.
My mother loved life.

834
00:51:15,074 --> 00:51:17,910
Nobody loved life as much
as Elvira Wayans loved life.

835
00:51:17,910 --> 00:51:20,496
This woman,
she would talk your fucking ear off.

836
00:51:20,496 --> 00:51:22,248
This woman loved life.

837
00:51:22,248 --> 00:51:24,542
She fought death. Literally.

838
00:51:24,542 --> 00:51:27,044
What did my mother die of?
She died of "err-thang."

839
00:51:27,044 --> 00:51:29,797
It took "err-thang" to kill this woman.

840
00:51:29,797 --> 00:51:33,175
She wasn't going down. I remember,
I was at my mother's deathbed,

841
00:51:33,175 --> 00:51:35,928
and I watched this woman fight death.

842
00:51:35,928 --> 00:51:38,472
She was fighting death. "Mm-mm, death.

843
00:51:38,472 --> 00:51:40,391
Mm-mm. Fuck off me.

844
00:51:41,350 --> 00:51:42,893
Mm-mm.

845
00:51:43,978 --> 00:51:45,896
Leave me alone.

846
00:51:45,896 --> 00:51:48,065
Go get faggot balls first."

847
00:51:48,065 --> 00:51:50,150
[audience laughing]

848
00:51:51,235 --> 00:51:54,655
And I remember
because I remember the exact day.

849
00:51:54,655 --> 00:51:57,074
And I remember the exact time.

850
00:51:57,074 --> 00:51:58,909
I went to the hospital.

851
00:51:58,909 --> 00:52:01,287
It was Saturday,

852
00:52:02,413 --> 00:52:03,998
June 19th...

853
00:52:05,708 --> 00:52:06,959
of 2020.

854
00:52:07,543 --> 00:52:10,004
And it was 11:56 p.m.

855
00:52:10,004 --> 00:52:11,755
And I seen my mother fighting death.

856
00:52:11,755 --> 00:52:13,549
I thought my mother was fighting death

857
00:52:13,549 --> 00:52:16,510
because she just want to see her baby
one last time.

858
00:52:16,510 --> 00:52:19,889
Later on I found out that wasn't it.
This woman was a fucking troll

859
00:52:19,889 --> 00:52:21,932
all the way down to the end.

860
00:52:21,932 --> 00:52:24,101
But I'll tell you, I'll tell you later.

861
00:52:24,101 --> 00:52:25,978
My mother's fighting death.

862
00:52:25,978 --> 00:52:29,231
And if you ever see somebody
like your mama in that kind of pain,

863
00:52:29,231 --> 00:52:33,068
it is selfish of you
to try to keep them here.

864
00:52:33,068 --> 00:52:35,905
This body we are all in,
well, one day it expires.

865
00:52:35,905 --> 00:52:39,491
And when God calls you home,
let that soul go.

866
00:52:39,491 --> 00:52:44,204
Because the reality is
for you to stay in that body is painful,

867
00:52:44,204 --> 00:52:47,666
and you, as the loved one,
you have to learn to let go,

868
00:52:48,751 --> 00:52:52,713
make them feel comfortable
and okay to leave.

869
00:52:52,713 --> 00:52:54,465
- [applause]
- So I came the hospital,

870
00:52:54,465 --> 00:52:58,135
my mama fighting death. "Mm-mm."
I said, "Mama, stop it. Stop fighting."

871
00:52:58,135 --> 00:53:00,179
And I smacked her on her ass.

872
00:53:00,971 --> 00:53:03,599
I did. And she had one of
them hospital gowns, you know,

873
00:53:03,599 --> 00:53:05,643
hospital gowns with the ass crack out.

874
00:53:06,894 --> 00:53:10,814
How you like them VIP seats, nigga?
[laughs]

875
00:53:14,109 --> 00:53:15,903
And my mother was fighting.
I said, "Mama." Pssht!

876
00:53:15,903 --> 00:53:20,324
I said, "Girl, you did it.
You did the damn thing.

877
00:53:20,324 --> 00:53:22,868
83 years, Mama.

878
00:53:22,868 --> 00:53:27,081
- 83 years.
- [applause]

879
00:53:27,081 --> 00:53:30,668
Woman, you had diabetes since you was 33.

880
00:53:31,669 --> 00:53:34,129
Mama, that is 50 years of diabetes."

881
00:53:34,129 --> 00:53:37,216
I said, "Woman,
you are the Magic Johnson...

882
00:53:37,216 --> 00:53:39,426
[audience laughing]

883
00:53:39,426 --> 00:53:42,888
...of diabetes." [laughs]

884
00:53:44,932 --> 00:53:47,559
I said, "Mama, let's...
let's run the numbers.

885
00:53:47,559 --> 00:53:50,729
You a GOAT, Mama, you a legend."
I said, "You had ten kids.

886
00:53:50,729 --> 00:53:54,149
You got 10,833 grandchildren.

887
00:53:55,359 --> 00:53:58,028
You made five millionaires.

888
00:53:59,113 --> 00:54:03,492
- You made five millionaires."
- [cheering, applause]

889
00:54:04,618 --> 00:54:07,162
Six, if I could just get my shit together.

890
00:54:08,872 --> 00:54:10,457
[laughs]

891
00:54:10,457 --> 00:54:13,460
I said, "You made five comedic legends.

892
00:54:13,460 --> 00:54:16,130
You made five legends.

893
00:54:18,924 --> 00:54:20,592
Six, if I could just...

894
00:54:22,094 --> 00:54:25,806
I don't get canceled for this
Magic Johnson AIDS joke I keep saying."

895
00:54:25,806 --> 00:54:27,808
[laughs]

896
00:54:27,808 --> 00:54:32,438
I said, "Mama, you did all this
and you only made one crackhead."

897
00:54:32,438 --> 00:54:35,399
I said, "Woman,
your crackhead to millionaire ratio

898
00:54:35,399 --> 00:54:38,569
was unparalleled for a Black woman
in America."

899
00:54:40,112 --> 00:54:43,615
I said, "Mama, you are a GOAT.
You are the GOAT of all mothers.

900
00:54:43,615 --> 00:54:45,784
You are the GOAT of all vagina."

901
00:54:45,784 --> 00:54:47,077
Then I got carried away.

902
00:54:47,077 --> 00:54:50,998
I said, "Mama, ain't no pussy
fucking with your pussy, Mama!"

903
00:54:53,792 --> 00:54:56,128
[laughs]

904
00:54:56,128 --> 00:54:58,630
And y'all like, "Did y'all really say
that shit to your...

905
00:54:58,630 --> 00:55:03,052
Did you say that to your mama?
At her deathbed?"

906
00:55:03,886 --> 00:55:05,679
You damn fucking right I did.

907
00:55:07,806 --> 00:55:09,224
Let me tell you why.

908
00:55:10,684 --> 00:55:13,520
I'm gonna gift y'all something
that my mama gifted me with.

909
00:55:14,521 --> 00:55:17,858
My mama told me as a little boy,
she said, "Baby boy,

910
00:55:18,734 --> 00:55:22,196
you learn to laugh in your worst moments,

911
00:55:23,072 --> 00:55:26,533
and you gonna smile
the rest of your days."

912
00:55:29,495 --> 00:55:31,997
Losing my mother was my worst moment.

913
00:55:36,752 --> 00:55:41,215
[audience shouting encouragement,
applause]

914
00:55:47,262 --> 00:55:50,891
[cheering, applause]

915
00:55:58,774 --> 00:56:02,069
- [audience shouting]
- I love you all too.

916
00:56:03,862 --> 00:56:06,907
Losing my mama was my worst moment.

917
00:56:06,907 --> 00:56:10,077
And in my moment, I honored my mother

918
00:56:10,077 --> 00:56:11,870
for what she taught me.

919
00:56:14,748 --> 00:56:16,875
Because I wanted her to know that...

920
00:56:19,962 --> 00:56:24,133
[audience shouting encouragement,
applause]

921
00:56:28,303 --> 00:56:32,516
I let her know I was broken,
but I was going to be okay.

922
00:56:32,516 --> 00:56:35,602
I let her know that I will smile again.

923
00:56:35,602 --> 00:56:37,646
And it's okay for you to go.

924
00:56:38,564 --> 00:56:41,483
That's why I cracked that joke
because she laughed,

925
00:56:41,483 --> 00:56:44,611
and I talked to her in Wayans language
and she knew what the fuck I meant.

926
00:56:49,533 --> 00:56:51,869
And so she stopped fighting,

927
00:56:51,869 --> 00:56:55,873
and she allowed herself to go
and she started to transition.

928
00:56:56,707 --> 00:56:59,960
And as she transitioned,
I seen the doctor

929
00:56:59,960 --> 00:57:01,879
started turning up that morphine, right?

930
00:57:01,879 --> 00:57:04,590
And she started scratching and shit.

931
00:57:13,098 --> 00:57:16,560
I said, "Is it good, Mama?"
She said, "Yeah, Daddy, it's...

932
00:57:16,560 --> 00:57:19,646
It's is gooder than a motherfucker, baby.

933
00:57:20,772 --> 00:57:26,320
Tell the doctor, turn that shit up.
Give me some more, please, man.

934
00:57:26,320 --> 00:57:30,032
I got these cheeseburgers!"

935
00:57:31,200 --> 00:57:34,995
[laughter, applause]

936
00:57:36,205 --> 00:57:37,915
Call your mama every day.

937
00:57:38,832 --> 00:57:41,335
Call your mama every day.

938
00:57:41,335 --> 00:57:45,130
Every fucking day you can.
If she's here, you call her.

939
00:57:46,006 --> 00:57:47,966
You ain't got to call your daddy
every day.

940
00:57:49,134 --> 00:57:52,804
No, call that nigga once a month.
He good. [laughs]

941
00:57:52,804 --> 00:57:55,432
You call your daddy more
than once a month, he gonna be like,

942
00:57:55,432 --> 00:57:57,434
"Yeah, I'm fine, nigga. Call your mama."

943
00:57:59,353 --> 00:58:02,231
I learned, you ain't gotta
talk the whole fucking time.

944
00:58:02,231 --> 00:58:03,857
You ain't gotta talk the whole time.

945
00:58:03,857 --> 00:58:06,109
Just put the phone down.

946
00:58:06,109 --> 00:58:09,238
Every seven minutes, just come back
to the phone and say this shit.

947
00:58:09,238 --> 00:58:11,323
Be like, "Uh-huh.

948
00:58:14,743 --> 00:58:17,162
Yeah, I know that bitch ain't shit, Mama."

949
00:58:19,915 --> 00:58:22,125
Call your mama.

950
00:58:22,125 --> 00:58:24,086
Let me tell you something,
call her every day.

951
00:58:24,086 --> 00:58:28,966
Because if you don't,
the scariest moment of your life

952
00:58:28,966 --> 00:58:31,677
is going to be the day you go
to call your mama...

953
00:58:33,011 --> 00:58:34,805
and she ain't on the other line.

954
00:58:35,806 --> 00:58:38,350
So call your mama.

955
00:58:38,350 --> 00:58:41,728
Because when she's gone, at least
you'll have that voice in your head.

956
00:58:41,728 --> 00:58:45,816
I called my mama so much,
I hear her more now in her death

957
00:58:45,816 --> 00:58:47,734
than I ever heard her when she was alive.

958
00:58:47,734 --> 00:58:50,487
This bitch won't leave me the fuck alone!

959
00:58:52,072 --> 00:58:55,075
My mama's everywhere. She's right there.
She don't like sitting next to people.

960
00:58:55,075 --> 00:58:57,452
"Uh-uh, save me two seats."

961
00:58:58,078 --> 00:59:01,290
My mama's omnipresent.
I hear her everywhere.

962
00:59:01,290 --> 00:59:03,208
I'll be in the worst situations, y'all.

963
00:59:03,208 --> 00:59:05,585
And I hear my mama like, "Mm-mm, son.

964
00:59:05,585 --> 00:59:07,587
Don't put your dick in there."

965
00:59:23,061 --> 00:59:26,356
Why? Why do I hear my mama so much?
Because I called her.

966
00:59:26,356 --> 00:59:27,607
Call your mama.

967
00:59:27,607 --> 00:59:30,110
My mother, I called my mama so much...
She loved two things.

968
00:59:30,110 --> 00:59:33,739
My mother loved her kids
and she loved the telephone.

969
00:59:33,739 --> 00:59:35,824
I don't know which one she loved more.

970
00:59:35,824 --> 00:59:37,367
My mother didn't have an iPhone.

971
00:59:37,367 --> 00:59:39,828
She was like, "I don't play
with that fucking radiation."

972
00:59:39,828 --> 00:59:43,957
So my mother had a rotary phone
with a long-ass wire,

973
00:59:43,957 --> 00:59:48,587
wire longer than my daddy's balls,
just miles long.

974
00:59:48,587 --> 00:59:51,631
And my mother's finger
was stuck like this.

975
00:59:51,631 --> 00:59:54,301
Literally stuck like this
because she had carpal tunnel.

976
00:59:54,301 --> 00:59:56,803
Because all she'd do
is sit by the phone and call each kid.

977
00:59:56,803 --> 01:00:01,099
[dialing sound]

978
01:00:01,099 --> 01:00:05,937
Call each nigga back to back to back
to back to back to back to back to back.

979
01:00:05,937 --> 01:00:07,481
And then she tell you
the last conversation

980
01:00:07,481 --> 01:00:09,483
she had with the last nigga before you.

981
01:00:10,567 --> 01:00:12,194
It was like a terrible game of Telephone.

982
01:00:12,194 --> 01:00:14,571
And then you go to hang up the phone.
She's one of these people,

983
01:00:14,571 --> 01:00:18,784
you go to say goodbye, nigga ignore you,
start a brand new conversation.

984
01:00:20,243 --> 01:00:22,537
I called my mama. [imitates ring]
"Hey, Mama."

985
01:00:22,537 --> 01:00:25,290
"Hey, baby boy. How are you?"
"I'm good."

986
01:00:25,290 --> 01:00:28,752
"Where you at now, sky king? You always
flying around making people laugh.

987
01:00:28,752 --> 01:00:32,005
Where you at now, son?"
"Oh, I'm in New York City."

988
01:00:32,005 --> 01:00:35,801
"Oh, yeah, make sure you wear a jacket.
It can get cold as fuck at night there.

989
01:00:35,801 --> 01:00:39,137
Yeah, it gets so cold,
even the white people be ashy.

990
01:00:40,097 --> 01:00:42,307
So, son, when you coming home?"

991
01:00:42,307 --> 01:00:46,728
"I'm coming home on Monday because I have
a date with the most beautiful woman."

992
01:00:46,728 --> 01:00:49,314
"Oh. Well, who's the lucky gal?"

993
01:00:49,314 --> 01:00:53,527
I said, "You are." "Oh, boy.

994
01:00:53,527 --> 01:00:55,070
If your father would
have talked like that,

995
01:00:55,070 --> 01:00:57,823
I would have fucked that nigga
more than ten times.

996
01:01:01,451 --> 01:01:04,037
So where are we gonna go, son? Huh?

997
01:01:04,037 --> 01:01:07,124
I want some of that wag-u-yu.
Can we get some steak?" [laughs]

998
01:01:07,124 --> 01:01:09,292
"It's called wagyu, Ma."

999
01:01:09,292 --> 01:01:10,961
"I don't know how
the fuck you pronounce it,

1000
01:01:10,961 --> 01:01:14,381
but I know that shit
is 270-something dollars a steak.

1001
01:01:15,132 --> 01:01:17,676
Now, you sure you don't want
to call Keenan and Damon

1002
01:01:17,676 --> 01:01:19,511
to help you with this bill?

1003
01:01:19,511 --> 01:01:21,555
[audience laughing]

1004
01:01:21,555 --> 01:01:25,517
You know your Discovery card
be acting up some times, son."

1005
01:01:26,226 --> 01:01:30,397
"No, Mama, I'll handle it." "All right.
Well, can I have some dessert?"

1006
01:01:30,397 --> 01:01:33,692
"Yes, but only a little bit."
"Why, because of my diabetes?"

1007
01:01:33,692 --> 01:01:36,486
"No, Mama.
Because you're already so sweet."

1008
01:01:36,486 --> 01:01:38,905
-"Oh..."
- [audience] Aww...

1009
01:01:38,905 --> 01:01:42,909
"Boy, you must get you a lot of pussy.

1010
01:01:44,744 --> 01:01:49,082
This nigga got lines like a pimp.
You go on, mac daddy.

1011
01:01:49,082 --> 01:01:51,751
All right, baby boy.
Well, I'm looking forward to seeing you."

1012
01:01:51,751 --> 01:01:52,919
"All right, Mama. I love you."

1013
01:01:52,919 --> 01:01:56,339
"And I love, love, love,
love, love, love you too."

1014
01:01:56,339 --> 01:01:59,718
"All right, Mama. Bye."
"All right. Bye now.

1015
01:02:00,677 --> 01:02:04,389
Yeah. So I talked to Keenan." "Bitch!"

1016
01:02:10,687 --> 01:02:15,317
People ask, who's the funniest one
in the Wayans family?

1017
01:02:15,317 --> 01:02:19,404
[audience shouting]

1018
01:02:19,404 --> 01:02:20,989
I digress.

1019
01:02:21,823 --> 01:02:25,577
The funniest person
in the Wayans family is my mama.

1020
01:02:25,577 --> 01:02:27,454
My mama.

1021
01:02:27,454 --> 01:02:33,084
Elvira Alethia Green Wayans Sr.

1022
01:02:33,084 --> 01:02:35,212
is the funniest woman I ever met.

1023
01:02:35,212 --> 01:02:40,467
So funny that, yes, there is a junior
that exists with that slave name.

1024
01:02:42,093 --> 01:02:45,388
My mother was brilliant.
My mother never did standup comedy,

1025
01:02:45,388 --> 01:02:48,934
but she was naturally a gifted comedian.

1026
01:02:48,934 --> 01:02:52,145
Her life was one great standup comedy set.

1027
01:02:52,145 --> 01:02:54,439
Her life. Here's why.

1028
01:02:54,439 --> 01:02:56,566
A great comedian can come on a stage,

1029
01:02:56,566 --> 01:02:58,360
and they can make you laugh

1030
01:02:59,361 --> 01:03:01,363
with the shit that hurts them the most.

1031
01:03:02,155 --> 01:03:03,907
They're taking their pain.

1032
01:03:03,907 --> 01:03:08,411
These people are dying inside,
and they're making you laugh.

1033
01:03:08,411 --> 01:03:11,331
And that laughter is healing for us.

1034
01:03:11,331 --> 01:03:14,000
And that's called having the last laugh.

1035
01:03:14,000 --> 01:03:16,753
[applause]

1036
01:03:16,753 --> 01:03:19,130
My mother did that with her life.

1037
01:03:19,130 --> 01:03:22,968
The thing that hurt my mama most
was my father's religion.

1038
01:03:22,968 --> 01:03:27,889
Not because he was a man of God,
but because she was God fearing too.

1039
01:03:27,889 --> 01:03:30,517
But my mother was a romantic.

1040
01:03:30,517 --> 01:03:32,852
My mother loved holidays. Why?

1041
01:03:32,852 --> 01:03:35,814
Because she loved
to celebrate those that she loved.

1042
01:03:35,814 --> 01:03:38,984
And damn it,
she just wanted to be celebrated.

1043
01:03:38,984 --> 01:03:42,112
But my father's religion
prevented her from doing that.

1044
01:03:42,904 --> 01:03:45,031
She was heartbroken.
Every fucking holiday,

1045
01:03:45,031 --> 01:03:46,783
she would cry herself to sleep.

1046
01:03:47,742 --> 01:03:50,996
Now, my father, being a man of God,

1047
01:03:50,996 --> 01:03:53,832
being Jehovah's Witness,
he would not celebrate any holiday.

1048
01:03:53,832 --> 01:03:55,417
So one day, it was Father's Day.

1049
01:03:55,417 --> 01:03:57,502
My brother Keenan
came home from California.

1050
01:03:57,502 --> 01:03:58,837
He had made some money.

1051
01:03:58,837 --> 01:04:01,339
He said, "We're going to celebrate Pop
this Father's Day."

1052
01:04:01,339 --> 01:04:03,300
We was like,
"This nigga don't celebrate Father's Day."

1053
01:04:03,300 --> 01:04:04,843
He's like, "We're not gonna
call it Father's Day.

1054
01:04:04,843 --> 01:04:06,970
We're going to call it Happy Wednesday.

1055
01:04:08,263 --> 01:04:10,140
We're gonna buy him some gifts,
gonna write him some cards."

1056
01:04:10,140 --> 01:04:12,142
So we bought him some gifts,
we wrote him some cards.

1057
01:04:12,142 --> 01:04:14,686
My father opened the gifts.
He opens the cards.

1058
01:04:14,686 --> 01:04:16,855
And my dad started crying

1059
01:04:16,855 --> 01:04:20,775
because he couldn't believe the sentiments
that he heard from his children.

1060
01:04:20,775 --> 01:04:23,653
This nigga went his whole life
with never hearing,

1061
01:04:23,653 --> 01:04:26,990
"I love you, Dad. Thank you, Dad.
What a wonderful father you are."

1062
01:04:26,990 --> 01:04:29,951
So he read these things and he cried.

1063
01:04:30,744 --> 01:04:37,000
And from that day on, my father made it
a tradition to celebrate Father's Day.

1064
01:04:37,000 --> 01:04:39,085
[audience laughing]

1065
01:04:43,632 --> 01:04:44,799
Now...

1066
01:04:46,301 --> 01:04:50,013
this pissed my mama off even more!

1067
01:04:51,056 --> 01:04:53,642
My mother said, "Nigga, Father's Day?

1068
01:04:54,434 --> 01:04:57,520
Not my birthday?
You nipple-dick nigga!

1069
01:04:57,520 --> 01:05:00,774
Not my anniversary? Faggot balls!

1070
01:05:00,774 --> 01:05:04,110
You gonna celebrate Father's Day?"

1071
01:05:04,110 --> 01:05:09,324
Now, knowing my mother,
the brilliant comedian that she is,

1072
01:05:09,324 --> 01:05:12,118
what day do you think my mama died?

1073
01:05:12,118 --> 01:05:15,205
- [audience] Father's Day.
- Father's Day!

1074
01:05:15,205 --> 01:05:21,503
That's why she was trying to stay alive
at 11:56 p.m. on Saturday, June 19th.

1075
01:05:21,503 --> 01:05:23,004
"Mm-mm, mm-mm!"

1076
01:05:23,004 --> 01:05:25,632
Four minutes later
it was going to be Father's Day.

1077
01:05:25,632 --> 01:05:30,470
She wanted to take that nigga's
only fucking holiday from him!

1078
01:05:30,470 --> 01:05:34,808
She said, "Happy Wednesday, motherfucker!"

1079
01:05:34,808 --> 01:05:39,145
- [cheering, applause]
- Thank you.

1080
01:05:42,315 --> 01:05:44,526
Thank you, New York. Thank you, Harlem.

1081
01:05:44,526 --> 01:05:47,779
[cheering]

1082
01:05:55,912 --> 01:05:58,707
- [voicemail beeps]
- [Marlon's mom] <i>Good morning, baby boy.</i>

1083
01:05:58,707 --> 01:06:02,210
<i>Just calling to find out whose ass
are you kicking today.</i>

1084
01:06:02,210 --> 01:06:04,546
[laughs] <i>Thought that was a good one.</i>

1085
01:06:04,546 --> 01:06:06,840
<i>I love you.
Call me when you get a chance.</i>

1086
01:06:08,049 --> 01:06:10,719
<i>♪ This is my darling ♪</i>

1087
01:06:10,719 --> 01:06:13,263
<i>♪ Oh my honey ♪</i>

1088
01:06:13,263 --> 01:06:18,309
<i>♪ He's my darling and my honey pie ♪</i>

1089
01:06:18,309 --> 01:06:20,895
<i>♪ He's my darling ♪</i>

1090
01:06:20,895 --> 01:06:23,356
<i>♪ Honey, baby ♪</i>

1091
01:06:23,356 --> 01:06:28,278
<i>♪ I could love him 'til I die ♪</i>

1092
01:06:28,278 --> 01:06:30,238
[smacks kiss]

1093
01:06:30,238 --> 01:06:33,783
[soft music plays]