ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA www.PSArips.com
[classical Indian flute music playing]
[filter whirring]
[door creaks quietly]
[snoring]
[door creaks quietly]
[refrigerator rattles]
[ragged breaths]
[soft gasps]
[gulps]
["Locomotive Breath" by Jethro Tull]
♪ In the shuffling madness ♪
♪ Of the locomotive breath ♪
♪ Runs the all-time loser ♪
♪ Headlong to his death ♪
♪ Oh, he feels the piston scraping ♪
♪ Steam breaking on his brow ♪
♪ Old Charlie stole the handle ♪
♪ And the train, it won't stop going No way to slow down ♪
♪ Oh-oh! ♪
♪ He sees his children jumping off ♪
♪ At stations one by one ♪
♪ His woman and his best friend ♪
♪ In bed and having fun ♪
♪ Oh, he's crawling down the corridor ♪
♪ On his hands and knees ♪
♪ Old Charlie stole the handle ♪
♪ And the train, it won't stop going ♪
♪ No way to slow down ♪
♪ Yeah-eah! ♪
♪ Ow! ♪
[microphone feedback]
[man] Testing, testing. Mic testing.
Check, one, two, one, two. Testing.
Topping the preliminary round with 29 out of 30...
Bangalore Uni A, represented by Naman Bala...
Ramu Iyengar...
Ilash Ismail...
-Where's Ilash? -[knocking]
-[announcer] ...and Ajay Iyer. -Ajay.
Will the team captain please come up for the draw of lots?
[all mutter] B.U.B.U.
[announcer] Team captain?
[announcer] Hmm...
Bangalore Uni A team has finally arrived.
In the words of Shakespeare, better three hours too soon than a minute too late.
You will have to sit in row six.
We should have come for the draft lots. Row six is the worst strategically.
Who cares where we sit? We'll win anyway.
We have worse problems. Ilash is in Hyderabad.
[girl] Good luck, Naman!
There's your pet volcano, Stromboli.
Go rape your cow, Ra-moo.
Come on, ra. Give her Etna a chance.
Yeah, cover the face, fire the base.
[announcer] Are all the teams complete?
I have been preparing. I'll be very helpful, I promise.
Just keep your mouth shut and we'll win, okay?
-[applause] -[announcer] Bangalore Uni B.
Back in the 18th century,
Eton College had a grammar book which listed a set of words from Latin
which all meant "of little or no value."
As a joke, somebody put all four of these together and created a new word.
The first recorded use is by William Shenstone in 1741.
What is the word?
Looks like our juniors have Calcutta ambitions.
Why go all the way to Calcutta when the Black Hole of Bangalore is right here?
Time is running out!
The answer is floccinaucinihilipilification.
[announcer] Correct answer.
Bangalore B are the leaders now.
And now for the ultimate question to decide the winner.
Gerald Rusgrove and Charles founded a publishing house in 1908.
Today they dominate a particular genre.
The company is named after their famous surname. Name the company.
-Simon & Schuster? -Hodder & Stoughton?
They don't dominate any particular genre.
Bangalore University A, do we have an answer?
[indistinct whisper]
Is it Mills & Boon? Romance?
[announcer] It is...
indeed!
[cheering]
[announcer] Bangalore Uni A are the winners of this quiz contest,
and will represent us at the All India Quiz Competition in Calcutta.
-[applause] -Thank you.
-Naman. -We won book coupons worth 750 rupees.
That's your share.
No, that's not necessary. It was my honor to be in the quiz with you.
I insist. After all--
Listen, Ash, we have 500 worth of book coupons between the three of us.
We'll sell it to you at the usual discount. 300?
Done. But on one condition.
I get to come with you guys wherever you are drinking tonight.
Forget it. We'll find somebody else.
No, no, no, no, no.
I always keep cash handy for your coupons.
Bye.
[motorbike horn]
Sure you don't want a lift to the dhaba?
-Ajay isn't dead. -Yet.
Hey, you, junior!
What's your name?
-Randeep. -Randy!
[pop music plays]
I, uh... I don't really drink.
Nonsense. Everybody drinks.
[Naman] It's like fucking.
Once your dick is inside the hole,
it goes all the way up to the cervix, prompting the inevitable--
Cervix with a smile.
[all] Chairs!
-Bangalore University, bottoms up. -B.U.B.U.
Go!
-Naman seven secs, Ajay nine secs. -And Randy, no sex.
-Bravo. -Garçon.
[man murmurs indistinctly]
What ra, dei? That would have bought an extra pitcher.
Brahmans must be magnanimous to the servant classes
-to preserve the natural order of things. -[Ajay] Correct.
If everybody gets degrees, who will clean our toilets?
In our village, even if an untouchable's shadow touches my grandfather,
he has to have a bath.
The boy speaks.
Trichinopolies. As smoked by Sherlock Holmes.
OK, guys, I have to leave. My father will be waiting.
Ever wondered why the back of Ramu's neck is black?
When Ramu was born, his father rubbed his dick on the back of his neck.
-[Ramu mutters] -[boys laugh]
Randy. If you continue to be this correct blend of slavish deference
and obsequiousness to God, i.e. me,
who knows, someday you could be our quiz team fourth.
-But I'm in Tina's team-- -Tina, Beena? Who cares? All cunts.
Stay second all your life, by all means.
It's your choice.
Well?
[coughs]
-He's done a George. -Horses for courses.
Neigh!
You won't be allowed into Valhalla if you don't know the argot.
I'll give you a clue. Painter.
John Stubbs. British painter best known for his paintings of horses.
So when you "do a George," you stub out a cigar.
May the horse be with you.
A beaker full of the warm south for the lad here.
-[Randy retches] -[Naman and Ajay urinating]
But you're not allowed to vomit on the tree.
But if you must, precision is key, oh dilated pupil.
[man reads question]
[chanting Sanskrit mantras]
[Naman's father] As it says in the holy Gita, "tranquility, restraint,
austerity, purity, forgiveness, uprightness...
knowledge, wisdom and faith in God
are the duties of the Brahmans...
born of our innate nature."
[Naman's father chants]
[Naman joins in]
[chanting]
[bell jingling]
Naman.
[applause]
["Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)"]
I feel like a new hermaphrodite again.
♪ Well, show me the way to the next whiskey bar ♪
♪ Oh, don't ask why ♪
♪ Show me the way to the next whiskey bar ♪
♪ Oh, don't ask why ♪
♪ For if we don't find the next whiskey bar ♪
♪ I tell you we must die ♪
♪ I tell you, I tell you, I tell you we must die ♪
[TV plays quietly]
[applause on TV]
[man] Welcome back to Cos Theta Quiz Contest.
I am Brian D'Costa, and my next question is...
[Brian reads question]
I'm ready to marry her for a week.
Aureolae, my friend.
God is in the aureolae.
[car horn]
♪ I'm Henry VIII, I am ♪
♪ Henry VIII, I am, I am ♪
♪ I got married to the widow next door ♪
♪ And she's been married seven times before ♪
-[all] Henry! -Waste fuckers.
What ra cripple? Bull broke your leg?
[laughter]
Hey!
-Show me that. -I'm having her tonight.
Why don't we all go and look at it at my place?
No, no, no, no. No. No.
We have to prepare for tomorrow's quiz.
-[Naman] Henry. -A trick.
When you've finished, let go of your dick when you cum.
Cover your face, then you watch your dick. Like an electric meter, it will flick.
[he makes a clicking sound]
[chuckles]
What ra, Naman? We all could have magazined at Henry's house.
-[Naman] His sofa is full of cum. -[giggling]
Oh, no.
-["Infatuation" by Rod Stewart plays] -♪ Oh, no, not again ♪
♪ It hurts so good I don't understand ♪
♪ Infatuation ♪
-♪ Infatuation ♪ -[no audible dialogue]
♪ Infatuation ♪
-[music stops] -♪ Infatuation ♪
-Chee chee, Ramu.
-[Ajay] Nice arse. -You will not, none of you,
refer to your future sister-in-law in a sexual manner ever again.
Ramu! Understood?
[snickering]
[snoring]
[funky music]
[woman moans]
[knocking on door]
[Naman's mother] Naman?
[fan speeds up]
[screams]
[screams continue]
[bell tolls]
You must be wondering what The Merchant of Venice has to do with Hamlet.
You see, this Polonius is a dirty fellow.
Very shallow.
What he doesn't know is that is if he spits into the air... pooo!
Hey, maths motherfucker.
To what do we owe this dubious honor?
I was in the vicinity, so I thought I'd come see if you're around.
Now that you have drunk your ocular fill, wench, a swift departure mayhaps.
Miles to go? Promises to keep?
-[Ash] But I... -So, handicap.
-[Ash] Ilash. -Who came second in the quiz?
-The junior team. -Oh...
Let me tell you what happened to my junior.
I was coming back from Hyderabad on a train, AC first class, of course,
and there she was, on the lower berth.
It was lights out, so I put my reading lights on
and I looked down through the curtains and she is staring straight back at me.
So I pull back, I'm reading my book.
She climbs up...
and she's... all over me, OK?
She's rubbing.
She's rubbing herself.
[up-tempo dance music plays]
Where has that fellow gone?
I'm sure he's taken our ticket money and run.
[man] Have faith, grasshopper.
There he is.
Thank you, uncle.
Your seats are right next to mine.
I feel violated.
Isn't there a law against visual rape?
In that case, we would all be doing ten to 20.
-[up-tempo music playing] -[women gasping]
Ramu.
Appa.
Get in.
You have to do everything possible to endear us of Ramu's dad, don't you?
[slow music plays]
"My love is like a red, red rose that is newly sprung in June.
My love is like a melody that is sweetly played in tune."
To the chariot!
[engine starts]
-What am I supposed to do? -Exist.
[indistinct chatter]
-[Ajay] D'Souza, she's not a Brahman. -[Naman] So?
-[Ajay] She's not even a Hindu. -So?
She's a Christian, ra.
In Brahman tradition, one would conjoin with the servant classes
in order to transfer our sins to them, because they are fucked anyway.
[Ajay] Justification.
You know how the Jesuits forcibly converted most of us to Christianity?
-Her grandparents are probably Brahman. -Justification.
[Naman] The scriptures say that the role of a Brahman
is to uplift the downtrodden classes.
Miss D'Souza will be my project.
Infatuation.
[mid-tempo music plays on radio]
Dear Rita, shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
But then I'm not the Bard.
Interestingly, did you know that Colonel Gaddafi of Libya
claimed that William Shakespeare was actually a Muslim Libyan
named Wali Miya Sheikh Zubair.
There is also loose talk that a certain Sheshappa Iyer, a Brahman from Mysore,
went to England and authored the plays.
But enough of Avon.
The Butler, in his immortal piece of poesy titled, rather appropriately,
A Drinking Song, he quoth...
Thank you, Father.
Thank you, Mother.
[Brian reads question]
[Naman] D'Souza, P... D'Souza, P...
♪ Hello, operator ♪
♪ You know that I've been waiting on this call, da, da, da ♪
-♪ I said hey, operator... ♪ -[Naman] Bingo!
♪ You make me nervous cos the line's engaged ♪
♪ I can't believe we let it get to this stage ♪
-♪ Sitting here-- ♪ -Shh! Shh! Shh!
Hello. Hi, Rita.
[man] Rita, Gita or Sita...
You boys are just going to... beat-a your meat-a.
[heroic music]
[people chanting] Ronnie! Ronnie! Ronnie! Ronnie!
Devastating wit. I'm impressed.
Smart boy. But while you guys were busy polishing your pathetic one-liners,
-we just won the cricket championship. -Let joy be unconfined.
Tell me one physical activity that you guys can do better than us.
-Consume alcohol. -In industrial quantities.
[laughter]
-Done. It's a challenge. -A royal challenge?
Tomorrow at home, our victory party.
Get yourselves to Sadashivnagar and ask anyone for Palace Tower.
-Then see whose is bigger. -We don't go for half measures.
Ronnie, I'm hungry.
Burger?
-I can't believe we get the brains-- -And they get the girls.
That too, Coco-panties herself.
Many a boat has sailed up that coconut lagoon.
[euphoric music]
-[laughter] -[guitar music playing]
Rich bastard.
Ramu, "a man of wealth has many enemies,
while a man of knowledge has many friends."
[Ronnie] Oh-ho-ho-ho!
So kind of you all to drag yourselves away from your busy schedules.
Must have been a drag.
Ever used one of these babies before?
-You have overcompensation issues. -So you don't know how to use it?
Just pose.
Girls...
So what do you think of the old pad? Pretty impressive, huh?
-Very Las Vegas. -Dad's favorite city. We go every year.
And where do you go for your hols, big boy?
I must inform you that we have an excellent bovine maintenance--
A cow farm? Ramu goes to a cow farm!
I also heard you rape your cows.
That's our joke.
[Ronnie] Here, have a drink. Better than your normal swill, I'm sure.
-B.U.B.U. -What else?
Do you do everything so fast?
He wouldn't know, baby. He's never done it.
Those who can't drink should not throw stones.
OK, bugger, put your mouth where the bottle is.
Praemonitus, praemunitus.
-Huh? -Forewarned is forearmed.
Treatises of Fistula, circa 1425, J. Arderne.
-Also Don Quixote's Cervantes-- -Just shut up and drink, quiz fucks.
[dance music playing]
Drinks, I say!
[record scratching]
[music stops]
I think my father is calling me.
[snores]
[Ajay] Look what I found.
Naman takes the bottle...
uncorks it...
and sniffs it deeply.
A deep, rich and complex nose.
[sniffs]
-Dry orange peel. -Mmm.
Espresso.
And incandescent notes of Gruyère and smoked Parma ham.
But you're vegetarian.
I'm married. So...
-You flick, I'll click. -OK!
I can't do it.
-It's the fault of our caste. -[burps]
Why are we Brahmans so conservative?
Oh, for a bit of Labour in these Tory times!
Such a waste!
There is, however, another course of action.
-[laughter] -[camera clicking]
[bell tolls]
So!
-Back again from Hyderabad? -On a plane.
Business class, of course.
There was this, uh... mwah! ...girl next to me.
-So you started feeling her up. -Why didn't you fuck?
Who said I didn't?
There was this toilet.
-And you joined the mile-high club. -Coffee, tea or me?
The uninhibited memoirs of two airline stewardesses.
-Rachel Jones. -Trudy Baker.
No, no, I used a Pleasure Sutra condom.
-God promise. -[school bell rings]
Wow, you guys are actually attending class.
-It's Wednesday. -Coco-panties day.
What is the color of the color TV?
[humming indistinctly]
[all harmonizing]
[old-timey song plays]
[indistinct chatter]
I say white.
I'm a dirty fellow, so I would say yellow.
-Pink. Think pink. -Red.
Class. Today, that sonnet without equal. The esteemed...
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
and summer's lease hath all too short a date."
And your lease will also expire shortly if you don't stop that infernal giggling.
In that case, my darling buds of May, kindly pollinate away.
This is a first. Ronnie wanting to contribute to a class.
-Speak! -Or forever hold your piss.
Quiz team, out now.
Sir, by "pollinate away," are you asking the girls to eff off?
Your private tuitions are helping.
"Exit stage right, pursued by bear."
[girl] Looks like the cricket team comes in a package deal.
Good things come in big packages.
[laughter]
You can touch my silly point with your fine leg any time.
Your middle stump is very long.
The stitches on your balls seem quite nice.
I'm sure you had something to do with this. Thanks.
Oh, and uh, enjoy your pocket billiards.
Fucking lounge lizards.
[up-tempo drums]
[men chanting] ♪ Oh, you asshole ♪
♪ Completely loathsome pain in the bum ♪
[indistinct chanting]
♪ Brahman Naman Fuck you up ♪
Enough is enough. Let's call Henry.
[car horn]
[honking]
Coming, coming!
Coming.
"Coming, coming."
Save some cum for the bitches! [laughs]
A man and his cum are soon parted.
Something to get us in the mood.
What mood?
All you need is a hooker and a hard-on.
[Henry laughs]
["Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)"]
♪ Well, show me the way to the next little girl ♪
♪ Oh, don't ask why ♪
♪ Just show me the way to the next little girl... ♪
I always like a starter before the main course.
Best way to start innings.
50 rupees lollipop. 75 rupees mouthwash. 100 rupees full.
Lollipop. Get inside.
No, no, no, stay!
When stadium is full, batsman always performs better. Come on.
[unzips pants]
[Henry chuckles]
[Henry whimpers]
[yells]
Give me 75 rupees, mouthwash.
Fifty-one secs!
Now, your chance.
[rock music plays nearby]
-This is it, boys. -Uh, Henry...
Hey! You Brahman boys have got the guts or no?
Maybe for safety's sake, just a lollipop.
Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome and all that.
[groans]
Your money, your choice. Come.
[woman moaning]
Uh...
My friends, uh, they want blowjobs, mouthwash, lollipop.
What friends? Huh?
Uh... Blowjob?
[bleating]
[cow moos]
[man shouts indistinctly]
Did you know that this area was gerrymandered?
Gerry who?
Named after Massachusetts governor Elbridge Gerry,
who manipulated his electoral district
so that the people who voted for him the last time
voted in a block for him the next time.
And cut away the people who did not vote for him,
-and put them into another district. -Correct.
They did the same thing here to prevent the Muslim candidate from winning again,
adding a large Hindu majority block to dilute the vote.
What?
Right now we could have been in between the thighs of whores,
losing our virginities.
And here we are trading electoral trivia.
That at all we have, Ajay.
Trivia.
Correct.
[man] Rubber On. Set up in the year 1972,
with a dogged determination to achieve world-class standards,
Rubber On is India's finest rubberized coil mattress.
With technology imported from Austria,
a dedicated workforce of more than 70,
Rubber On strives to be the mattress of copulation to the nation's population.
A mattress that always ensures a healthy hump,
optimizing orgasm frequency and facilitating fluid flow.
As is said by the holy Rita,
a bed with the best booby bounce results in deeper penetration.
Rubbing, rubbing, rubbing.
Who do you think I built up the business for?
After my retirement, Rubber On will be only for you.
Coffee? Buttermilk?
-Half a cup for me. -Nothing for me, Ma.
When I was your age, I used to wake up at 4 a.m., milk the cows,
wake up my brothers, make myself coffee, have a bath,
then go all the way to the Christian house to give their children maths tuition.
-Then I would-- -Go to grandfather's accountancy firm.
Tell me something new, Appa.
Hard work was our only ethic.
And here you are drunk every night.
You worked so hard so that I wouldn't have to, Appa.
Plus I'm paying for my drinks with my own quizzing money.
Quizzing? What will happen after college?
Will your quizzing feed you for the rest of your life?
To keep up with the times, I'm importing new machinery from Austria.
The unique feature of this main sheeting plant
is that it facilitates vertical fiber orientation.
A process that results in the deeper penetration of the latex into the sheet,
making it very classic.
This provides the mattress with a uniform density throughout
and an extra cushioning effect.
There you have a mattress that is healthy for your back.
What? Time for another quiz?
Calcutta, Appa.
[Brian reads question]
[Ash] Naman!
-Naman. -[Naman] What?
I just came to wish you good luck. And goodbye.
Well, you have. Therefore, dasvidanya, arrivederci.
Is there anything you need for the journey?
No.
Actually, yes. Come with me.
Hello, Ash.
Ask for Rita. It's easy if it's a girl's voice.
Hello. May I speak to Rita, please?
[funky music]
[phone rings]
[ringing continues]
-Hello? -[Naman] Hello?
Hi, Rita.
-Who's this? -This is an admirer.
Admirer?
Uh, I sent you that letter.
What letter?
-The one with the perfume. -[line distorts]
Hello?
-Hello? -Hello? Rita?
-Hello? Are you in a station? -[trains whistling]
Yes.
Are you coming... or going?
I... I don't know.
[laughs]
Hello? Did you know you're the most beautiful person on this Earth?
Hello?
Rita, hello? I love you.
[indistinct shout]
-Come on. -[train whistles]
You made it. I was going to pull the chain.
What happened to Ramu?
He didn't ask his father for permission.
There goes the fourth member for the quiz.
[man] I may be old, but I'm not dead yet.
According to the rules of the championship,
your chaperone is allowed to step into the breach.
[Naman] That's all good, then.
Sir, can we play some music?
-What? Can you repeat the question? -Can we play some music?
If music be the food of love, play on.
[funky rock music]
[snoring]
[knocking on door]
[switching music off]
What is this noise? The other people have complained, you know.
Sir, we are young. Can enjoy only once.
-Maintain decency. -Definitely, sir.
[music resumes]
[gargles]
[Naman] Padma R, F-18. Naina K, F-18.
These F-18s can bomb my airbase anytime!
[Ajay] Rani P, F-17.
[Randy] Augusta D, F-58.
Unfortunately, here, if I'm not very much mistaken, are the exhibits themselves.
[Randy] These look one drop kick away from an arranged marriage.
Sir, why does Madras exist, as a concept?
You know, I have a deathly relationship with Madras.
The first time I passed through the city, the chief minister died.
The second time, the governor died.
This time, I hope the cursed minorities die.
[Naman] Sir, surely that's a bit bigoted.
Bigoted, shigoted.
We Brahmans are the biggest bigots and racists on this planet.
Why be ashamed of it? Revel in your supremacy, I say.
Quarter kilo.
-Naman? -Sir?
-Dig out that gin bottle. -Huh?
I may be old, but I'm not blind. Yet.
An old man is allowed to enjoy his drink, too.
Cherry in the gin is cherry on the cake.
[laughs]
Are all of you in your cups?
-Cheese to the bees. -Cheers to the beers.
-Diamonds are forever. -Cherries to the berries.
The aspiring chief minister is not dead yet.
But that can change.
She used to live down my street when she was a schoolgirl.
The bitch in her green school uniform,
skirt ending just below her panties.
She literally dripped as she walked along the street.
And the dogs on heat followed the bitch in heat.
[stammers] Ch-- Ch--
Chrysalis, I believe that's the word you were struggling for.
[girl] Away from the parental cocoon.
Not to mention the most conservative city in the world.
-Madras. -The nympha become butterflies.
Interesting that you use the word "nympha."
If you're going to flog that old nymphomaniac joke, forget it.
Be that as it may, whatever mania you girls subscribe to,
you seem to be of the quizzing persuasion.
You don't need much persuasion in a Brahman family, sir.
Study, study, study. Quizzing is good for you.
I mean, who will marry you if you don't have at least a postgraduate degree?
That is correct. Who will indeed?
-Have we seen you in Bangalore quizzes? -We've seen you.
-We were at the South Zone championship. -Which we won.
Oh, really, how could you tell?
I'm Randeep... Randy.
Padma. Paddy.
No predictable Irish jokes, please.
I was going for the rice theme. I'm Ajay.
-Rani. -Yasmin.
Naina.
He's Naman, our team captain.
I have seen Trappist monks speak more than your team captain.
Forget it. He's in love. With me.
[Naman] Where was she all my wife?
Madras.
You really must be in love.
What makes you say that?
Physical action instead of a smart verbal comeback.
But what can I do?
Talk to her, maybe.
It's been known to work.
I'm going to try and chat with Paddy.
-How about Rita? -Who?
[Brian reads question]
[chaperone] So, the essence of my book,
which I am titling Nostradamus's Inevitable Hinduism,
is that your superstar Christ was in fact sired by a Roman guard.
Tiberius Iulius Abdes Pantera.
-Centurion much higher than a god. -[woman] How quaint.
Clearly there were traces of miscegenation in your own family tree,
-hence you're out to taint Christianity. -No, no, there is proof.
The Greek philosopher Celsus said so in his work Alethès Lógos.
-Which was refuted by his friend Origen-- -In his eight-volume work Contra Celsum.
Naina, can I have a word with you alone?
No. No mixing with boys. What would your father say?
Let her go, O Augusta Delphin.
They are typical quiz boys. Harmless, gutless, feckless.
Clearly your protégés, then, Bernard Judekumar Irudayarasan.
I'll have you know, Miss Augusta, that in 1968,
when I used to come to your school, there was not a single...
[train horn blows]
[Naina] Well, none for me?
A beaker full of the warm south.
The blushful Hippocrene.
You know your stuff.
Mmm.
It's a funny thing about knowledge.
It's been known for more than one person to have it.
-That's not what I meant. -That is exactly what you meant.
But you didn't say what you meant when you said that--
That you were in love with me.
It's painfully obvious.
I am good-looking, smart, female, Brahman,
now imbibing alcoholic libations with you.
I even speak in that funny convoluted way that quizzers seem to automatically adopt.
And if I were to ask you for that cigar, you would propose right away.
And I'm not awed by your quiz-champ status.
You know so much about me. How?
I've seen you onstage.
Admired me from afar.
Seen you onstage. You are a great quizzer.
Brahman fundamentalist, alcoholic, sexist, et cetera, et cetera.
Thanks.
And only you would take that as a compliment.
-You still haven't answered. -I still don't know what the question is.
[train horn blowing]
[Rita] Are you coming or going?
Forget it.
-Brahman family. -Naman.
-[Naman] Rita? -Naina.
-[Ajay] She's a Christian, ra. -No!
[Bernard] And what was worse, was that I lost a fortune
due to termites getting into my deposit box.
Sir, what happened?
We're stuck at the Orissa-Bengal border.
The ruling party has called for a bandh, a general strike.
No movement for the next 12 hours.
-And the reserve, sir? -I finished it all while you were asleep.
Miss Augusta helped.
And the train has run out of food.
Wake up, bastard.
-[groans] -Wake up, bastard, wake up.
[traditional Indian guitar song plays]
[Ajay] Nipple.
Aureolae.
[Naman] We need food.
Booze.
[stammers] Train.
[both mimic train]
Stop.
Food, food.
Aah...
And, uh, booze, booze.
Mmm.
Booze.
[chickens clucking, rooster crows]
-[soft overlapping chatter] -[slow music plays on a radio]
[belches]
Sorry.
In China--
Belching is considered to be a sign of gratitude and satisfaction. I know.
-Always a step ahead. -Obviously.
Anyway, I am grateful and satisfied. Thank you for getting all this.
Well, when one is described as gutless and harmless--
You left out feckless.
James Joyce used the word "feck" as a synonym for stealing.
In A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. Yeah.
-Not bad. -For a girl?
-No. Not bad per se. -Oh.
A compliment. Not grudging.
You were right when you said that I don't really even understand--
-Naman, don't you have a girlfriend? -Yes.
No. Not yet.
[chuckles] Either way, you're unfaithful.
No doubt you have some twisted Brahman justification to explain it away.
He does.
Naina, Augusta ma'am says it's bedtime.
-[Naman] The last song on the-- -White Album. Good night.
You realize who Naina is, don't you?
Who?
She's you, Naman.
Female Naman.
So, if you fuck her...
it'll be like fucking yourself.
That makes it homo sex.
[rock music playing]
[chanting]
-[Brian] Good evening, everybody. -[applause]
How's Calcutta doing today? How's Calcutta doing today?
-[cheering] -Very good.
This year is a very special year
because we are celebrating the 17th anniversary of quizzing in India,
which, as you all know, began right here in Calcutta.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Quiz Superstars.
The biggest quiz in India, and I'm Brian D'Costa.
-Oh, less of brain. -Yeah.
As usual, we have teams from all across India,
from Delhi, Bombay, Bangalore, Madras
and, of course, our very own kollolini Kolkata.
-[cheers and applause] -I have great news for you.
This year, our sponsors are not only hosting the outstation teams,
but are also paying for the food and beverage expenses.
-What did he say? -He said drinks are on the house.
India has a proud tradition of quizzing.
This is because we Indians thirst for knowledge...
Hey. How are you? All well? Good to see you.
[Brian] We Indians also revel in displaying said knowledge.
Trivia, esoterica, science, technology.
-16 whiskeys, please. On the quiz tab. -Yes, sir.
...our very lovely scorer for tonight, Kitty Chatterjee.
You look absolutely gorgeous. Come on up. Wonderful. Welcome.
Can we have a big round of applause for Kitty tonight? Thank you.
Thank you so much. All right, my next question is for Bangalore.
Are you ready for this question?
On Calcutta's suburban trains, what are the pen sellers called?
Your time starts now.
This is a pass-on round... Yes?
-Lalu-Bhulus. -That is the right answer.
Big round of applause, please. Thank you so much.
Kitty, two points for Bangalore.
Delhi, my next question,
who was the cowriter of Layla, along with Eric Clapton?
George Harrison.
I'm sorry, that's the incorrect answer. The question now passes to Madras.
-What is the answer? -Jim Gordon.
Absolutely right! Perfect!
Team Bangalore, which 1942 painting by Edward Hopper
-depicts people in a downtown-- -Nighthawks.
Perfect. Thank you so much. Two points for Bangalore.
Calcutta, the nationality of Christopher Columbus.
[boy] We guess he was Spanish.
I am so sorry, that's the incorrect answer.
The question now passes to Bangalore.
-Italy. -Absolutely right.
Bangalore is on a roll tonight.
Who bowled him that first ball?
-Graham McKenzie. -That is perfectly right.
-All right, Calcutta, what is the answer? -1911.
Absolutely right. May we have a big round of applause for Calcutta! Thank you.
This is a first. A tie.
The reigning champions, Calcutta,
and challengers Bangalore are both tied on 32 points.
As this is a winner-takes-all quiz,
I shall now have to ask a final tiebreaker question.
Are you ready?
Bangalore, this tiebreaker question is for you.
What is the American popular slang for motels run by Indians?
Most US hotels are run by Patels. Potels.
What?
[Brian] Your time is running out, Bangalore.
-Oh, sorry. Can you repeat the question? -[Brian] Yes.
What is the American popular slang for motels run by Indians?
Simple. Potels. Motels run by Patels.
Bangalore, that is the wrong answer.
Calcutta, it's your turn.
I believe the correct answer would be Patels.
That is absolutely right. Calcutta have the right answer!
-Calcutta wins again! -[cheering]
Potels, not Patels, is the correct answer, sir.
-Potels. Potels, Calcutta, potels. -It's Patels.
It's a fix. I knew it.
[sound fades]
[echoing] I curse you, you fucking brainless Brian baboon.
[up-tempo drums]
♪ Oh, you asshole ♪
♪ Completely loathsome pain in the bum ♪
[indistinct chanting]
♪ Brahman Naman Fuck you up ♪
[indistinct chatter]
Sorry, Naman. You deserved to win.
-It's a fix. That fucking brainless-- -[man clears his throat]
[Naina] Naman, this is my father.
Sorry, uncle. It's just that--
Whatever the scenario, the use of foul language is not appropriate, young man.
Sorry, uncle.
What are you studying?
Commerce. St. James, Bangalore, sir.
It's a good college. What are your plans?
-Plans? -I mean career plans.
You're studying B-com? Hello?
You're studying B-com, next year, MBA?
Sir, I haven't really decided.
Well, that's a problem with today's boys.
Look at my Naina. She's already preparing for her MBA entrance.
[sighs]
Naina, let me go and check the tickets.
I'm so sorry. He's not as bad as he sounds.
My father asks me the same questions. [clears throat]
Anyway, what was he saying about the tickets? Aren't you returning with us?
No. Uh...
We're going to Jamshedpur to see my aunt.
-So when...? -Who knows?
And us?
Naman, just because a girl spends time with you on equal terms
doesn't qualify for an "us."
Do you even like me?
You're oddly likable. Or likable, which is odd.
On the quiz tab.
[laughing]
Naman, if you don't mind, I have a suggestion.
What can you possibly add to this wonderful evening?
Why don't you give Rita a call? She was Plan A, after all.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings!
Bloody master.
[rock music plays]
[indistinct chatter over PA]
-Details? -So...
was Padma aka Paddy a virgin? Rivers of blood, et cetera?
-We didn't really... -What? But you were with her all night.
-Actually, we didn't do it. -Why, bambino? No lead in the old pencil?
No, you didn't let me finish.
I was going to say, actually, we didn't do it with a condom.
Bareback.
It slipped in smooth with no obstacles.
So who popped it? The milkman?
She said it broke from excessive cycle riding.
Not from excessive Ajay riding.
I wonder what she'll tell her husband?
I believe hymenoplasty is an option these days.
Hmm.
[train whistle blows]
[moody electropop music]
-♪ Where did you go? ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
-♪ I don't know ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
-♪ Where did you go? ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
-♪ I am in pain ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
-♪ You were in train ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
-♪ I am in train ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
-♪ Are you in pain? ♪ -♪ Ah ♪
-♪ Is this a game? ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
-♪ This is a shame ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
♪ This is a game ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
Quick. Piss her out.
-On the tracks? -Where else?
[both unzipping pants]
[Brian reads question]
[sultry music]
[moans quietly]
[Rita] Listen, you can't keep calling me like this.
My parents have been wondering.
And you keep hanging up when anybody else picks up.
That's because I want to talk only to you.
Can I call you darling?
Darling Rita.
Hmm.
You're looking beautiful.
-Hello? -Hello?
Hello.
[Naman] You're looking beautiful.
Hmm...
How do you know?
Because girls look beautiful when they are angry.
But I don't even know what you look like.
In the fullness of time, at the appropriate juncture.
-Hello? -[distorted] At the appropriate juncture.
-Hello? -I can't-- [static]
Please give me a clue.
I wrote an article in the St. James' College magazine last year.
-Hello? -Hello?
-What was it called? -It was called Depression: A Treatise.
Hello? Rita, hello?
[Rita laughs]
Depression: A Treatise.
Hello?
There you are. I looked everywhere.
What do you want?
-I just heard about Calcutta and-- -You've come to gloat about our defeat.
You know I would never even dream of anything like that.
Good news, good news, the Lord is coming, the savior is coming!
-But I am already here. -No, Lord Jesus Christ is coming.
Austin Town football ground. 7 p.m. Wednesday.
Is he coming in person?
[motorbike approaches]
-This one? -Yeah.
Are you Naman?
Depression: A Treatise indeed.
And do you know what?
The stupid language of your stupid piece
totally matched the stupid language of your stupid letter.
Stupid!
So you're the one who's been calling me all this while.
Never ever call me again. Coward.
At least she spoke to you face-to-face.
[rock music]
♪ My baby left me ♪
♪ She was mad ♪
[Ajay] "Never ever call me again.
-Coward." -Fuckers.
With friends like you, who needs enemas?
This is what I told you in the beginning.
Don't have anything to do with girls. They are stupid.
How about your fling with Padma in Calcutta?
The best thing to do is jerk her out.
She'll disappear from your heart as soon as you cum.
Don't worry, she's probably an untouchable anyway.
To the victory of sex. Sex is truth.
In vino veritas.
There's truth in alcohol, too.
Forgive me, I lied to you in Calcutta.
At least you got laid, ra. Padma ain't no Sylvia Kristel, but...
That night after the quiz,
her boyfriend had followed her to Calcutta to get time alone with her.
Miss Augusta let her go with me because Bernie told her we were harmless.
I took her to her boyfriend's hotel and waited while she went upstairs.
She took hours and hours to come back.
-[laughter] -At least somebody got laid!
Hey. Why chase after Nainas and Ritas when you have her?
-I wouldn't go there. -I would.
So what if she's got pimples. Nice tits, nice arse.
Cover the face, fire the base.
I know I'm not invited here, but Rita told me what she said to you--
For a change, you aren't gloating. Take a pew.
♪ Fuck you! ♪
♪ I'll be fine ♪
I want green salad.
-Sorry, sir, kitchen is closed. -But I want green salad.
-I think you should go home now. -[Randy] I want green salad.
I want revenge. Bloody leper Rita.
You'll get your revenge, baba.
[Ramu] "If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you tickle us, do we not laugh?"
"If you poison us, do we not die?"
"If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?"
Shakespeare.
-[Randy] I want... -Randy!
...green salad.
-[Ramu] Come down. Come down now. -[Ash] Please, what are you doing?
But I want green fucking salad.
[Ash] Randy, please just come down. Please.
No green. No women.
No salad.
What's the point in living?
[panicked chatter]
Come down, ra. Don't make a scene here.
-[Ash] Please, Randy. -[Naman] Waiter, salad, now.
-[Naman] It's coming. -This way. Come down, please. Careful.
There's your green salad.
Precision... is the key.
God, what have I created?
[motorbike engine]
Watch and learn. The revenge of the Brahman.
[whistle blowing]
-[Ash laughs] -[rock music plays]
Where to now?
You want to see something you've never seen before?
Romantic, soft, bouncy.
I would love to!
Joseph! Joseph!
Yaarappa? Sir, you so late.
Leave the light on, maado, and go back to bed, understand?
[Ash laughs]
-Wow. -Impressive.
My father imports these machines from Austria.
Really?
[Ash laughs]
For madam, the finest rubberized coir latex
featuring a fabulous jute hessian quilted cloth.
[giggling]
Or perhaps this one. This one sinks to make perfect contours for your body.
Or should I say... contours for your perfect body?
I have a surprise for you.
A Brahman cannot sip from the same bottle as you.
Our lips are going to touch anyway.
Besides, I'm a Brahman, too.
Ow! Naman!
Ouch. What are you thinking?
Sorry.
How bad is it?
Ash?
Cover the face.
Fire the base.
[silent mouthing]
I've waited so long for this, Naman.
Where are you going, bastard?
Sorry for you, Naman. Very sorry.
I came here tonight because I loved you, despite the constant mocking and...
underneath I thought that there was some affection for me.
I was so wrong.
Your arrogance is just a front for your ugliness.
Yes, Naman, you're ugly.
Rita was right. You're nothing but a coward.
You think because you have all the answers you're so clever. You don't.
And you're not.
Once your cheerleader friends grow up and see through you,
you're going to be left all alone for the rest of your miserable life.
[starts motor]
[turns off motor]
What are you waiting for? Fuck off.
-It's a long walk back. -I said, fuck off.
[revving engine]
[bike races away]
[school bell rings]
-Naman, I-- -The Iriya Samiti,
the regulation of walking in Jain scriptures,
it states that one should walk looking carefully six feet distance ahead.
So as not to cause the pain or death of any living being.
"I like long walks.
Especially when they're taken by people who annoy me."
[both] Noël Coward.
-Guess what. -Hyderabad?
I was coming back on a coach, luxury class, of course.
This sex bomb was in the seat next to me.
Male or female?
She fell asleep with her head on my shoulders so I fiddled it.
She pretended to stay asleep.
So I stuck a finger in her pussy...
[sniffs] ...and I smelled it.
Did it smell of fish?
It was heavenly, ra, like your grandmom's freshly cooked biryani.
-Veg or non-veg? -Did you fuck her?
[Brian reads question]
-Welcome, Bangalore. -[cheering]
Welcome to the finals of the Annual Sagaya Mary Memorial Quiz.
Now, before we begin this event, let me inform you about
certain shameful shenanigans at the Quiz Superstars event held in Calcutta.
Upset at being beaten by a superior team,
the Bangalore team abused our hospitality and ran up a bill of 4,000 rupees,
including two bottles of single malt.
[cheers and applause]
[Brian] So this is for you, Naman Bala.
You and your entire team are henceforth banned from this quiz.
If I had my way, from every other quiz.
Please leave the hall. Now!
Now.
Will the other finalists please come up on stage?
What the hell are you doing, Naman?
If this is your apology, then you're too late for it, trust me.
[man] Give him a chance, man.
[quietly] There is a word...
[microphone feedback]
There is a word in the English language, derived from the Latin, of course,
that is an expression of contrition.
I have committed an offense.
And perception of that offense can compound over time...
otherwise known as compounding remorse.
What I am doing here is to compunctulate.
No, to recompunctulate.
-I have decided. -What?
I'll marry Ash and make an honest woman out of her.
Where did that come from?
If you're looking for context, young apprentice,
the events of the last few days must not have escaped your notice.
She is Brahman.
While Ramu here gets ready to get deflowered by a bull,
unless he's already lost his hymen to a milkman or other assorted menial help.
It was a bull... that broke my foot.
Where was I?
Ramu was getting fucked.
No, I was in Ash, but I will be once we are joined together in holy matrimony.
Hi, honchos.
Coming for alcoholic libations at the dhaba?
[hums]
♪ Oh, show me the way to the next whiskey bar ♪
[all] ♪ Oh, don't ask why ♪
♪ Oh, don't ask why ♪
♪ Show me the way to the next whiskey bar ♪
♪ Oh, don't ask why ♪
♪ For if we don't find the next whiskey bar ♪
♪ I tell you we must die ♪
♪ I tell you I tell you ♪
♪ I tell you we must die ♪
[upbeat instrumental music plays]
[all humming together]
♪ Oh, moon of Alabama ♪
♪ We now must say goodbye ♪
♪ We've lost our good old mama ♪
♪ And must have whiskey Oh, you know why ♪
♪ Oh, moon of Alabama ♪
♪ We now must say goodbye ♪
♪ We've lost our good old mama ♪
♪ And must have whiskey Oh, you know why ♪
♪ Well, show me the way to the next little girl ♪
♪ Oh, don't ask why ♪
♪ Just show me the way to the next little girl ♪
♪ Oh, don't ask why ♪
♪ For if we don't find the next little girl ♪
♪ I tell you we must die ♪
♪ I tell you, I tell you I tell you we must die ♪
♪ Oh, moon of Alabama ♪
♪ We now must say goodbye ♪
♪ We've lost our good old mama ♪
♪ And must have whiskey Oh, you know why ♪
♪ Oh, moon of Alabama ♪
♪ We now must say goodbye ♪
♪ We've lost our good old mama ♪
♪ And must have whiskey Oh, you know why ♪
["Where Did You Go?" by Dr. Jayram & Sriharikuudi]
-♪ Where did you go? ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
-♪ I don't know ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
-♪ Where did you go? ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
-♪ I am in pain ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
-♪ You were in train ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
-♪ I am in pain ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
-♪ Are you in pain? ♪ -♪ Ah ♪
-♪ Is this a game? ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
-♪ This is a shame ♪ -♪ Ah, ah ♪
♪ This is a game ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪