It appears pink in the morning,
white in the day,
and golden at night.
The Mughal Emperor, Shah Jahan,
constructed it for his wife, Mumtaz Mahal, in the 17th century.
Meaning, he had it built.
It took Shah Jahan 22 years to get it built.
And it took you 22 years to bring me here.
Yes, because I was getting it made.
You have a retort for everything.
Listen, and speak
From heart to heart The language of love
Listen, and speak
From heart to heart The language of love
Meet, and cherish
The sweetness of these trysts
Listen
Speak
Stumble or steady yourself
Love is the mischief of youth
Don’t get on that boat for safety
I love you Rasna.
For only those who drown in love Get across
Listen, and speak
From heart to heart The language of love
My name is Rashmi Malik.
This is my new boyfriend, Dharam,
and his younger brother, Sudhir.
They are from Malihabad, and rent a flat here.
Isn't my boyfriend good-looking?
People have a misconception
that boys are interested in sex, and girls, in love.
This is all rubbish.
We like men with good bodies and good looks.
Let's go, I'm getting late.
I'm ironing clothes.
Sudhir, go drop Rashmi.
I'm not going.
Do you want a thrashing?
Why can't you come?
There's no petrol in my bike.
And I can't be seen riding Sudhir's Luna.
Sudhir, go, she's getting late!
I won't go.
Even yesterday, Abodh came there,
and she immediately jumped on him.
Do you know how embarrassed I felt?
Abodh is her classmate.
And it's called hugging not jumping.
Let's go.
I'm coming.
I'll come back and thrash you.
Are you listening?
Whenever you are in distress
You’ll find me in your heart
Didn't you feel bad about what Sudhir said?
No.
You didn't feel even a little jealous?
Do you also jump on the girls in your class?
Do you also want a thrashing?
Is this how you'll treat me?
Make me shunt in ST buses?
Has no veil between us
Your heart, my soulmate
Has no veil between us
Brothers and sisters, ladies and gentlemen,
don't sit so close together in the summer -
you sweat.
This is not sweat from hard work,
but the one that results in itching.
Men sweat,
but so do the ladies.
-What is it? -Wherever it stops...
-I don't know. -...it forms ringworm.
That's why, B-Tex!
Look at this, sir.
And you, too. Please, look. You take a look too, sir.
No charges for looking.
None at all.
Take it. You can apply it on each other.
My name is Angad,
and I study Philosophy at Lucknow University.
I do these odd jobs on the side to earn money -
like selling medicines, writing local adverts, etc., etc.
He's fallen so low, right?
I know that these odd jobs don't help anyone get ahead in life,
but I don't want to get ahead in life anyway.
I've only rushed to get ahead in life once, that too before I was born,
and I had no idea that I would be born.
See, in the 23 years of my existence on this planet,
I have realized that we need to understand philosophy the most -
Socrates, Camus, Ashtavakra, Plato.
See, our planet has existed for billions of years before we are born.
We end up spending 20-25 years just to understand it.
What I don't get is that even in these 20-25 years,
where do people take the time for a silly thing like love, right?
Sex, I understand.
And, anyway, don't you get love,
I mean whatever it is,
for free with sex?
-Look properly. -Show me.
It's itching.
It's OK.
So, don't scratch. Use B-Tex!
One small calendar for free with every B-Tex!
Inspector Pawar,
if this was a suicide, then why doesn’t the car roof have a bullet hole?
I'm rather surprised.
Kitty, this revolver is very loud.
Why didn’t the neighbors hear anything?
Seems like a whodunit to me.
Mummy, switch off the TV. I have my exams.
So, because you have exams, I shouldn't watch Karamchand?
Please, let me study.
If I don't come first in class, papa won't give me the special gift.
"Papa, papa, papa!" Try studying for yourself for once.
Oh, man!
What exam is it?
Physics.
Make sure you study reflection and refraction.
Methods of finding equivalent resistance and capacitance, OK?
So, in series...
equivalent resistance is equal to R1,
plus R2, plus R3...
up to Rn.
And...
so in parallel,
equivalent resistance
is equal to one upon R1,
plus one upon R2,
plus one upon R3,
up to one upon Rn.
And, equivalent capacitance is equal to
C1 plus C2
plus C3 and up to Cn.
OK? Note down this formula.
We're going to do the practicals on Monday in the first half,
and theory in the second half, OK?
And whoever is absent on Monday will be suspended for a month.
Is that clear?
Note down.
Let's go.
Come on.
She's dating him.
Rashmi, wait a moment.
Did I ask you to stay?
No, ma'am.
Silly girl. Get out!
Rashmi! Come here!
Don't wear lipstick to my class again.
Wipe it off.
-Ma'am, today is Valentine's Day, so-- -So, what do I care? Wipe it off.
Wipe it properly.
Wipe it off completely!
This is Sarita Ma'am.
SARITA MA'AM
She doesn't like anything.
She is married to a Philosophy professor and I think she isn't getting any.
When does one realize that their age to fall in love has passed?
Plato has said, "I know that I do not know."
The word philosophy is made up of "philo," which means "love,"
and "sophia," meaning "knowledge,"
not a girl.
In the Greek system, the--
"Meet me at Chitra Talkies for the 3:00 p.m. show.
After the film starts, I'll show you how much I love you."
My name is Akhtar Baig.
From my youth till now,
I thought, at some point, I would figure out what love is.
But no, sir.
Love is a mutating virus.
It is the kind of thing that can't be understood at any age.
Sir, who wrote the note?
The poet is anonymous. It's only a declaration of love.
Sir, Aristotle said that the thing you love, you do not possess.
What's going on here?
What is this ruckus?
Akhtar!
Is this how Philosophy classes are conducted nowadays?
This is my father-in-law.
What's the point of knowing his name?
I've named him Taiyaan.
TAIYAAN
I'll tell you why later.
He was the Head of Department, Philosophy, at Lucknow University.
Now, he is retired. But no teacher ever retires.
Dig them out from their graves
and they will still dust off knowledge, not mud.
All of you are graduating students...
so maintain decorum.
Yes, this is not a primary school class.
Yes, you.
What is your name?
Sir, Piyush Shrivastava.
What is the meaning of philosophy? Will you explain?
Sir, "philo" means "love"
and "sophia" means--
A girl!
Knowledge. Knowledge, sir.
Whenever your uncle comes to visit,
we all have to work ourselves to the bone to clean this house.
I tell you, the day this old man dies, I'll ride his bike.
I'll take his bike straight from his funeral.
Shut up, fool! Get to cleaning.
Oh, man!
Listen, my brother,
why don't we just tell your revered uncle that we're not good people?
Then the image problem is also solved and no more cleaning.
Your face is like an alcoholic's face.
Let uncle come, then we will see who will have the last laugh.
"Let uncle come..." Sonny, wait till uncle goes, then I'll show you.
You, too. Stop laughing and get to work!
Oh, man!
Oh, here you are.
Couldn't you find a better place?
Why didn't we meet at Chung Fa?
Are there cool places in Lucknow?
Your city is full of ruins.
What can I do?
Look, you might be from Bombay, OK,
but if you speak ill about Lucknow, I'll break up with you this very day.
Sunaina, this is the only place where your family won't find us.
You understand, right?
Bloody mofussil and backward town.
That's it! I'm going!
Come on, Sunaina!
Sunaina, I love you.
I'm having my guitar classes.
But I love you, Sunaina!
My name is Sunaina Garg.
Am I old enough to fall in love?
I don't care.
Sunaina! Please, listen!
Have you no shame, Dharam? Really!
Greetings, Uncle.
Sit quietly!
My brother-in-law is using up his provident fund for your education,
and is this how you repay him?
What now, Uncle?
I saw the Old Monk bottles and cigarette butts in the trash downstairs,
and I know that the house was just cleaned.
But, Uncle, how can you be so sure that those bottles belong to us?
Don't look at me.
I don't smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol.
He's right. He only drinks our blood. And fresh, too.
-Ask me. -Tell me the truth, Angad.
Uncle, we're young men. We obviously smoke and drink a little.
Now, there's no use in lying to you, but nobody ever goes overboard.
Though, sometimes, if someone comes by, then we really drink.
But that's very rare.
See? The truth came out when I questioned Angad.
I can see how much you people are studying.
Uncle, you're listening to Angad?
He is a jokester. Don't pay attention to him, he talks nonsense.
-Angad? -Yes, Uncle?
Go and count the bottles.
As you wish, Uncle.
Where are you going?
Move aside, evil brother.
Do not come between me and my duty.
Go put these in the kitchen.
There's a two-day holiday for Holi.
I was thinking that we could go on a trip?
It's a good idea,
but I'm writing an article on Safdar.
Safdar who?
"Safdar who?"
Don't ask such a question. Safdar Hashmi, of course.
Safdar Hashmi, yes.
The biggest anti-establishment artist the country has ever produced.
Who was murdered during a performance in Ghaziabad.
OK! Not everyone is as knowledgeable about Safdar as you are!
Don't keep showing your artistic intelligence in every matter!
OK, sorry.
-Where were you planning to go? -Nowhere!
I have to grade my test papers.
Your mother's nose is always pinched with anger!
The news about Safdar was on the front page of every newspaper.
This is general knowledge. How is this artistic intelligence?
Where does your mother get this intense anger from?
When she looks at you. I've noticed that.
-Hey, Rashmi? -Yes?
Mohammad Rafi must be having a lot of sex, right?
Why?
One can only sing with such joy after having mind-blowing sex.
My heart swayed when I saw you
I felt a stirring of love
As if I were a mad cloud
He must have come after having sex and said, "Give me the lyrics and the melody."
The composer must have replied,
"No, sir, this is the song. This is the melody."
Must you bring sex into everything?
This song is about love.
Just like ghosts don't exist, love doesn't either.
It does. I've fallen in love four times.
Why four times?
It has to work only once.
Then you'll get married?
And you'll never marry?
I'm a philosopher.
Love, marriage, society, I'm above all of this.
But you couldn't get over sex.
Sex is a very deep subject, Rashmi.
-OK. -It's our drive.
A preset that is hardwired into our molecules. We are born with it.
Talking of sex is making me miss Dharam.
But I'm here.
Really? Move. Dharam.
-Dharam. -This wretch is right here?
I'm coming.
Go sit over there.
Hi!
Is experiment number four successful?
I've conducted the physics test, but the chemistry test remains.
This is 1989.
A marvelous and outstanding thing like Tinder hasn't been invented yet.
So, you have to make do with whichever person is in sight.
“The purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it,
is to love whoever is around to be loved.”
Kurt Vonnegut.
What does that mean?
Brother, love is nothing but choices available.
Brother, no more samosas left. Only sabudana vadas are available.
Get it now?
-Sonny, get a plate. -OK.
And then?
What are you doing, Deepu?
Mummy, where is papa's Sheaffer pen?
Why do you want your papa's Sheaffer?
Papa gave it to me.
He said it must be in the drawer.
It's 15 years old. Use it with care.
Yes, OK.
Got it!
Wow! This even has papa's name engraved on it.
It is my wedding gift.
He gave it to you so easily.
He didn't give it away easily.
I came first in all four terms.
It's three years older than you.
Treat it with respect.
I'll touch its feet before writing with it.
By the way, are these your photos?
What have you dropped, Deepu?
Mummy, you were so pretty in college.
And papa's looking handsome, too.
Leave all these photos.
Let me see.
Do I look into your personal things?
Since when is papa your personal thing?
Did you find the pen?
Then get out, or you'll get a slap.
OK.
Perhaps you can get this beard cut.
Oh, so this means you like me, but without the beard.
No. That is not the meaning at all.
This means I don't like beards.
But poets have beards.
I find poets very boring.
There is nothing more interesting than poetry in this world.
Poetry is like an ocean in a droplet.
I don't understand half of what you say.
Then listen to the whole thing.
Now look. What did you just say?
I'll tell you if you meet me.
Why should I meet you?
I want to recite some boring poetry for you.
You have a retort for everything.
What trashy lines are these, Rashmi?
Hayvadan is such a great play. Its adaptation should also be great.
-Who wrote this script? -Me.
It's amazingly bad.
Then why don't you improve it to your standards?
I'm a bit busy.
Busy with what?
Selling B-Tex in buses?
Look, people have the right to get rid of their itch.
Fuck off!
So what's your decision?
Cut your losses.
Stop Hayvadan, take up Shakespeare.
Fluff some highfalutin English and you'll have a new play in two weeks.
Give it!
Rashmi, don't make me do a substandard play. I'll call off our friendship.
Abodh will be a great choice to do Shakespeare. Rashmi!
Fuck off!
"Fuck off," again? This is weird - it should be "fuck on."
Rashmi!
I'll take this one.
And please write this on it.
Ma'am, it's too many words. The cake will be covered entirely.
It's OK. Write it in smaller font.
OK, ma'am, but there will be an extra charge.
-Alright. -OK.
May I use your phone?
-It'll cost you two rupees. -OK.
Hello?
Yes. Could you call Professor Akhtar Baig?
This is Professor Sarita speaking. Yes.
-Hello? -Hello.
-Yes, this is Sarita. -Yes?
-Come home early this evening. -Why?
What do you mean "why"?
Today is Mr. Khumar's poetry recital.
Poetry recital? OK.
Come home right after it.
-OK. -OK.
Hello! Mrs. Sarita, what are you doing here?
How are you, Mr. Steve?
Not Mr. Steve, please. Just Steve.
Otherwise, what's the use of being Christian?
-What's written on your cake? -Please, don't read my cake.
Is it a cake or a love letter?
That's what I was saying. It's too long.
Ma'am, the icing is very thin.
Keep it in the freezer,
because if it melts, it'll look like embroidery.
I met my husband 22 years ago today at Lucknow University.
Ah, so today is your love anniversary.
Yes, today is our love anniversary.
Well done.
-That's 150 rupees. -Yes.
Are these cream rolls fresh?
Now, I'd like to request the esteemed poet of the country, and sonnet aficionado,
Sir Khumar Barabankvi, to respectfully take the stage.
Sir Khumar Barabankvi.
-Please, begin. -With your permission.
Please, proceed.
How can I say
that she is unfaithful
-"How can I say that she is unfaithful?" -Wow!
How can I say That she is unfaithful
How can I say
That she is unfaithful
When I have always known Of the pressures in her life
Wow!
When I have always known of the pressures in her life
Someone has left A mirror on the road
Wow! Superb!
Someone has left A mirror on the road
Wow! Superb!
Why not?
I'm sorry, mister.
-But I bumped into you-- -It's all right.
Sudhakar?
Sudhakar Mishra?
Akhtar Baig!
Bloody Pseudo!
Where were you all these years?
How are you, buddy?
This is Mumtaz.
Greetings, sister-in-law.
He copied me, right?
I am a Muslim and I married a Hindu,
and he is a Hindu and he married a Muslim.
Excuse me, are you people architects?
Of course not.
You certainly must be
since you managed to turn this corridor into your living room.
Apologies.