[theme music playing]
♪ One, two, three below! ♪
Leave this place, or suffer certain death!
Hey, you're pretty funny!
[growls, gasps]
Can I interest you guys in a newspaper subscription?
What's a newspaper?
I know, right? It's a dying medium.
When'd you guys move in?
It's like it just sprouted out of nowhere.
-What are you doing? -Perhaps Varvatos should destroy him.
[gasps] Whoa, retro cool.
Really cool crib.
Do people say "crib" anymore?
-[gasps] There's a pool, too? -[whirring, clicking]
[recording] ♪ You can be my flip-flop To the top, don't stop... ♪
Fascinating. Oh!
What's that sound? Where is it coming from?
You've never heard of vintage music?
[music continues] ♪ We gonna do it right... ♪
I like vintage.
[laughs] Lively.
-Whoo! -[music continues]
-[barking] -[yelps]
Who are you, cute fur-ball? [chuckles]
Is that Luug?
-[barking] -[laughing]
What happened to him? He's covered in terrestrial fungus.
It's so soft. Lively!
Mother must have changed him.
[boy] Where are your parents?
Who demands to know?
Me, I guess.
-Our parents are in stasis. -What?
There was an accident. They are regenerating.
-Huh. So they're, like, at a spa? -[Aja] Yes.
And we don't like interlopers. Who sent this insidious nuisance?
Wow, you're strong for a geezer.
"Geezer." I like that word.
-Speak of what you have seen to anyone... -[Aja] "Geezer."
...and Varvatos Vex will see that you face a terrible, terrible death.
[gasps] He's intense.
Mother, what have you done?
I've altered the ship's structure
to match indigenous, primitive architecture.
No, I mean, why is Varvatos wrinkled and saggy?
I think the local term is "geezer."
Varvatos is like a feeble larvox.
His bones, brittle. Not good for crushing.
I love this fleshy covering.
[Mother] It is known as "skin."
Unlike on Akiridion-5 where life is energy-based,
the inhabitants of this planet are biological.
-Oh, flisghaag. -I believe the Earth idiom is "gross."
Surely there are less gross forms for us to take!
Reconfigure the camouflage matrix
to something more befitting of Varvatos Vex.
[sighs] Oh... this is comfortable.
[Mother] I am afraid I cannot, Commander.
The energy expenditure required to alter the matrix is too high.
Energy expenditure? Our parents!
[both grunt]
[Luug barks, whimpers]
[gasps] Thank Gaylen! They're still in stasis.
Secondary Manifold, the Kelso transponder, the CDR sensing unit.
What does all that Klebso mean?
I think it means we have a problem.
Ha! A problem? Mother, tell them.
[Mother] I calculate I have enough energy reserves
to sustain the royal life force for only three parsons.
Three parsons? Wait, do you mean--
If I cannot maintain the cores, the king and queen will be lost.
How is the ship so low on power?
[gasps] The plasma fields must have blown in the Daxial Array.
-[buzzing, fizzling] -Where is the Daxial Array?
[Mother] Judging from the damage we sustained
in the escape from Akiridion-5,
I would put its current position somewhere within the Ardell Meteor belt.
Ay, ay, ay.
It's going to be okay.
We're just going to have to go out there and find the new "that's the other way."
Daxial Array. And we can't go out there.
This dump-heap planet is primitive beyond description.
It will be an adventure. Come on, let's go!
[panting]
♪ Brother Pele's in the back ♪
♪ Sweet Zina's in the front... ♪
[groans]
[car horn honks "La Cucaracha"]
♪ Cruisin' down the freeway in... ♪
-Klebtastic! -[girl giggling]
♪ Suddenly red-blue lights flash us from behind ♪
♪ Loud voice booming Please step out onto the line... ♪
-Hmm! -[Vex grunts]
♪ How bizarre... ♪
[girls squealing]
-Huh. Let me make it work. -[clicking, buzzing]
[screaming]
♪ How bizarre... ♪
-Fascinating! -[laughing]
-Glorious! [gasps] -[panting]
♪ How bizarre... ♪
[laughing] I love popp-ed corn!
Mmm.
[sniffs] Co-fefe.
[slurps] Ugh!
♪ Destination unknown As we pull in for some gas ♪
♪ A freshly pasted poster reveals... ♪
[gasps, chuckles]
♪ Elephants and acrobats Lions, snakes, monkey ♪
♪ Pele speaks righteous ♪
♪ Sister Zina says Funky, funky, funky"... ♪
[sniffs]
[Aja] Oh, no!
-[bangs] -[all gasp]
[barking]
So squishy. I love this Earth!
Aja!
[vendor] Are you absolutely sure?
This is the atomic, super-double, bowel-loosening,
Diablo Maximus breakfast burrito with extra hot sauce.
-[laughs] -Fascinating.
Hey, you've got to pay for that!
Careful.
The Diablo Maximus is not for the faint of heart.
Mere humans can't withstand more than one or two bites before they--
-[Aja gulping] -[gasps] Wha-aa-at?
Mmm. That was lively. I'm going to go ask for another one.
-A second one?! -You seem to know a lot about this planet.
Are you one of its rulers?
Eh, I do kind of rule. I'm technically a duke.
The name's Toby. Duke Toby, if you're fancy.
Tell me, do you know where I can find a Daxial Array?
"Daxial Array"? Is that a band? You can get that at the record store.
-Nope. Nope. No. -[music playing]
[laughing] No! No.
[gasps] Yes!
[doorbell jingles]
[chuckles] Finally, the dump-heap has something to offer.
-Music. -Fascinating!
[slurps] Mmm...
Though it doesn't taste as good as the Diablo Maximus breakfast burrito.
Okay, youngsters, it's time to go home.
-[clerk] Hey. Hey! -[Krel] Music.
-Hey, you've gotta pay for that. -[Vex gasps]
She seeks vengeance against you. Exciting!
I mean, he needs to buy it, you know, with money?
-Like crestons? -Like money.
Do we have a problem here?
He just shoplifted that.
Impossible!
That shop is far too heavy to be lifted.
Do you have money to pay for the record, kid?
It would appear doubtful.
[grunts] Lift! The King-in-waiting is correct.
This structure defies even Varvatos' vaunted strength.
-[bones crack] -[grunts] Uh! Ow!
Problem solved.
[clerk] Whatever.
You guys aren't from around here, are you?
-You could accurately say that, yes. -But you live in Arcadia, don't you?
[both] Maybe.
Well, why aren't you kids in school? You know what a school is, right?
[chuckles] Let's assume not.
It's a big building with a lot of math and books, wise guy.
Math? Do you think we might be able to find
-a "dance the world away" there? -You know what I think?
I think it's illegal for you not to be in school.
But Varvatos is strong. Very strong!
What the...? Yeah, you're spry for your age.
Now put the bench down.
-[Vex groans] This weak back! -Are these your grandkids?
They are under the protection of Varvatos Vex.
Who's Varvatos Vex?
Varvatos Vex is unexplainable, unknowable.
Who are you, good sir? Who do you serve?
I am Detective Scott, Arcadia Oaks PD.
You know, here to serve and protect.
What about destroying, pillaging, feasting upon the bones of your enemies?
[Vex cackles]
Uh, yeah. Well, Varvatos, these kids are going to school, now.
It's all right, Grandpa Geezer.
Krel and I will go to the building of math and search for the array.
You... You seem trustworthy.
But harm my charges, and Varvatos will slay you while you sleep!
Is your grandpa off his medication?
-[Krel] It's entirely possible. -Remember! In your sleep!
[laughing]
[man] Detective Scott tells me you're not from around here.
Not anywhere close, no.
-In fact, we just arrived. -Really?
From where?
-From where? [chuckles] -Yes, from where?
Ustedes hablan anything?
Mmm... Eh...
-Can-ta-loupes. -What?
-Cantalou... -Pia.
-Cantaloupia. -[Señor Uhl] Hmm...
-How do you spell it? -Spell?
We don't have magic on Akiridio... on Cantaloupia.
I can't seem to find it on the Internet.
-[both] It's new. -I can't find it.
I don't know how things are done in Caliapy--
-[both] Cantaloupia. -But this is the United States of America.
Kids here go to school.
-Do you have any papers? -[Aja] Papers?
Papers. IDs, passports.
Sports. I have the agility and reflexes of a larvox.
Listen, school bureaucrat.
We don't know anything about "eye-Ds" or "pass ports."
We're just here to a find a Daxial Array.
I've never heard of that band. I only listen to Barry Manilow.
What's a "manilow"?
What's "Barry Manilow"? That's it!
What's your number?
-I am calling your parents. -You're calling them what?
What my little brother means is,
our parents are away, at the spa.
I'll tell you what, my two little delinquents.
When your parents get back, you can tell them
all about a little something I like to call math class.
The formula for the area of a triangle is...
They receive knowledge by being talked at, rather than through thermogenic cosmosis.
-I have a question. -[snoring]
Then raise your hand.
-Uh, which one? -Either will do.
[chuckles] Back home, I have four of them.
Do you have a question, Mr. Tarron?
Do you have a Daxial Array?
-We are talking about triangles. -Hardly.
You forgot to account for the triangle's area
when applied to the fourth dimension.
The fluctuations of the hypotenuse alter the triangle's shape.
But if we use Claxon's 38th Theorem,
we get a reasonable approximation of...
[Krel] Now, strange woman,
-can you lead us to a Daxial Array? -[gasps]
Take me back to the ship, Luug.
[whimpers]
What do you mean you don't know where it is?
[man] Got your queen!
-Queen? -[man] Your queen is gone!
-[man laughing] -Come on, Luug!
[horn honking]
-[barking] -[bones cracking] Agh!
-I'm about to take your knight. -A-ha-a-ha-ah-ah!
That would leave your king in jeopardy.
I'll worry about my own king.
You worry about your king, thank you very much.
Wow, wow, wheezy-wow.
Can I help you with something?
This queen you speak of, is she trapped inside?
Is this a means of representing combat?
Are you warriors?
You never heard of chess?
Chess?
Yeah, chess.
You, too, are also wrinkled.
Are you geezers? Are you gross?
Can we help you with something?
Hey, give me that.
[panting, crunching]
What?!
Yes, Varvatos wishes for the geezers
to explain more of this chess now!
New kids, you've gotta take the rope challenge.
I'm not taking anything.
I keep telling you people this.
I love challenges.
Every kid here should be able to climb that rope and ring that bell.
For what purpose?
-'Cause I said so. -[bell clanging]
Next challenge, please.
What? I've never seen anybody do it that fast before.
I thought you said every kid could do this.
Ugh! That was in theory!
-You two are messing with my head. -[clangs]
[growling]
A Daxial Array is not a band!
It is a critical piece of technology.
Okay, bro. Chill.
Look, if it's tech, maybe the science lab will have it.
-Ai-ee! -You will take me
to the leader of the science lab now!
What type of country is Cantaloupia, anyway?
-[Eli] Are you guys adopted? -No.
Then why do you look, um, different?
Different? What do you mean? Mother made sure we look just like you.
-[bangs] -Your technology is beyond primitive.
What do you mean, "your technology"?
Do you always ask this many questions, human?
-Only when I'm suspicious. -[yelps]
¿Que pasa? What's going on here?
-[yelps] -That one is interrogating us.
And I am trying to locate a Daxial Array, which is not a band of any kind.
You're not supposed to be here unsupervised.
No, we're just not supposed to get caught.
Students are not supposed-- [groans]
I want to speak with your parents. Tonight, six o'clock, sharp.
I want to meet them. Both parents.
No excuses.
[laughing] Very intriguing.
And if Varvatos wins, Varvatos can enslave your entire family?
Usurp your property? Burn it to the ground?
[laughing]
-Dude! -Whoa, whoa, whoa! It's just a game.
What is the purpose of a game?
Who knows? Maybe, uh, have some fun.
If that were true, there would be killing. [chuckles]
-[Luug barks] -Oof! [groans]
-We need to talk to you. -It must wait.
Varvatos is about to vanquish his foe in chess.
[chuckles] Actually, you're down everything but your king and two pawns.
-Varvatos will triumph gloriously! -[knuckles crack]
[laughing]
[bangs] Ha!
Checkmate, butt snack. [laughing]
[growls] Your butt shall be mine to snack upon!
[cackles]
[cracking] Agh!
-Victory shall be mine! -Dude!
Could victory be yours tomorrow? Krel and I have a bit of a problem.
Varvatos Vex shall return tomorrow to smite you both.
-Oh, I can't wait. -Smite this.
Tonight, make amends with your women... [groans]
For tomorrow, you face death. [cackling]
Jeez, that guy's intense.
[rattling]
How is this a problem? Simply defy the petty tyrant's orders.
Now can Varvatos get back to his pawns?
It's not that simple.
All youth must attend this school of theirs.
[gasps]
And if we don't, we'll remain prisoners in this ship.
It's full of humans our age,
and they play games and have really easy challenges.
[laughing]
Either way, we won't be able to return
unless we have parents to show the bureaucrat.
Then we are doomed.
There is no chance of transforming the pair of you into "pay-rents."
I'm drawing a blank.
-Blanks. Maybe blanks! -Where's he going?
Right. The blank robots!
[whirring]
Blank units, come along.
What are you doing with the blanks?
Madness!
[Krel] Mother, initiate camouflage protocol.
You'll be Dad.
You'll be Mom.
Mother, load their data caches with your research of human culture.
[Mother] Before we do this, you should know
my information on this planet
is approximately 60 human years out of date.
No matter.
Like you said, this dump-heap planet doesn't evolve that fast.
Ah. Are your parents here?
Yes, both parents. [chuckles] No excuses.
Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Underpaid Bureaucrat. Nice to meet you.
Señor Uhl.
-Blank. -We're French.
Your children said you were from Cantalope-something.
Cantaloupia. It's French.
Parlez-vous français, fella?
The name is Uhl. Or preferably, Interim Principal Uhl.
[chortling] Easy, fella. What are you trying to do, break my hand?
That is one heck of a grip. Strong and manly. I like it.
[laughing]
You never get a second chance to make a first impression, right?
-[laughing] No. -[Señor Uhl] Yes...
that is right.
Do you know your kids were caught walking around town during school hours today?
By gum, those scamps. That sure ain't swell.
It's 10:00 p.m. Do you know where your children are?
It's 6:37 p.m., and I have no children.
But yours were busted sneaking into the science lab.
Oh, those scamps. That sure ain't swell.
"Swell"? Is this some kind of joke?
Do you find it funny?
No, and I don't find it funny that you broke into the science lab.
-You break it, you buy it. [laughs] -Oh, you want money, fella?
I'm a little strapped for Benjamins this month, but I'll see what I can do.
-You know, it doesn't grow on trees. -Yeah, put your money where your mouth is.
-Say that again. -Put your money where your mouth is.
-You can say that again. -Put your money where your mouth is.
-Again, again-- -Nein! Don't put your money anywhere.
You're, you're, you're--
Oh, no! Mr. Bureaucrat's all tongue-tied.
[laughing]
-All right, enough! -[laughing]
I'm contacting Child Protective Services. Clearly, your home life is not stable.
Home? This isn't our home.
Our home has been stolen from us by General Morando.
He destroyed the capital and hurt our parents,
and we were forced to come here where we know no one.
Seklos and Gaylen. We are alone here.
Wait, wait.
There's been a coup in your country?
Exactly.
[gasps] I'm so sorry.
-I will protect you until Cantalucia... -Cantaloupia.
...is free again.
For as long as your home is in turmoil, you will have a place in Arcadia Oaks.
Thank you.
[gasps] We should probably get glowing. I mean, going.
-You can say that again. -Yeah, put your money where your mouth is.
-[laughing] -They are peculiar.
-[wheels squeaking] -Hmm.
What's happening?
The energy dispersal from the transduction must be wearing off.
We have to get back to the mother ship now.
[Vex] You could have been discovered!
The humans must never see us in our native, non-saggy forms.
How were we supposed to know the transduction effect would wear off?
[Mother] My apologies.
It seems the effect lasts only 12 horvaths before it requires re-implementation.
Now you tell us?
What is happening to you? What is that?
[sniffles] My eyes are leaking.
[Mother] Humans call this discharge of bodily fluid "tears."
They are the result of extreme emotional states
accompanied by the irrational expulsion of liquid from the ocular sphere.
-Are you okay? -Humans are so wasteful.
I...
I don't know.
I was thinking about how we're never going to find a Daxial Array,
and we'll never save Mama and Papa, and then...
I think this is what it means to be...
[gasps]
...afraid.
[sighs]
[sobbing]
You saved that?
You saved their cores.
I saved this.
Do you know the ritual?
Varvatos does.
-I don't want to be queen. -And you won't be.
You will be Queen-in-waiting.
Hey, before the ceremony,
Papa told me that we are all each other has.
That's why I'm not afraid. Because I have you.
All I ever wanted...
was to be normal. [sighs]
But...
Mama told me I wasn't.
[crystal humming]
[man] This ridge...
[Vex] This ridge is the mark of your ancestors,
and proclaims you worthy of the crown of Akiridion
that has stood for righteousness since ages past.
[gasps]
The royal traitors are at large.
Bounty Hunters...
Slay the royals and bring their parents' life cores to me,
and you will be rewarded with treasures that will make you
-the envy of all bounty hunters. -[roaring]
Destroy any and all
who stand in your way.
[laughing]