1 00:00:01,834 --> 00:00:06,834 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA www.PSArips.com 2 00:00:11,709 --> 00:00:15,251 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 3 00:00:15,340 --> 00:00:18,670 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 4 00:00:19,470 --> 00:00:22,520 ♪ This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day ♪ 5 00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:26,130 ♪ Every single episode Is nothing but dismay ♪ 6 00:00:26,220 --> 00:00:31,390 ♪ So look away Look away, look away ♪ 7 00:00:31,470 --> 00:00:35,020 ♪ Three children lose their home And go to live with someone awful ♪ 8 00:00:35,090 --> 00:00:38,260 ♪ He tries to steal their fortune With a plot that's not quite lawful ♪ 9 00:00:38,340 --> 00:00:42,010 ♪ It's hard to fathom how the orphans Managed to live through it ♪ 10 00:00:42,090 --> 00:00:45,880 ♪ But how a decent person like yourself Would even want to view it ♪ 11 00:00:45,970 --> 00:00:50,430 ♪ Just look away, look away ♪ 12 00:00:50,510 --> 00:00:54,170 ♪ There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way ♪ 13 00:00:54,260 --> 00:00:57,920 ♪ Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say ♪ 14 00:00:58,010 --> 00:01:02,050 ♪ Look away, look away, look away ♪ 15 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:05,930 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 16 00:01:06,010 --> 00:01:09,460 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 17 00:01:09,550 --> 00:01:13,130 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 18 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,220 [typing] 19 00:01:28,970 --> 00:01:30,310 [typewriter dings] 20 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:35,880 [water dripping] 21 00:01:38,220 --> 00:01:41,140 If you are interested in stories with happy endings, 22 00:01:41,220 --> 00:01:43,720 then you would be better off somewhere else. 23 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:45,840 In this story, not only is there no happy ending, 24 00:01:45,930 --> 00:01:49,270 there is no happy beginning, and very few happy things in the middle. 25 00:01:49,340 --> 00:01:50,710 My name is Lemony Snicket. 26 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,510 It is my solemn duty to bring to light the sorry history 27 00:01:53,590 --> 00:01:56,630 of the Baudelaire children as it happened so many years ago. 28 00:01:57,550 --> 00:02:00,090 But you in the audience have no such obligation, 29 00:02:00,180 --> 00:02:03,470 and I would advise all our viewers to turn away immediately 30 00:02:03,550 --> 00:02:05,710 and watch something more pleasant instead. 31 00:02:18,510 --> 00:02:21,880 This story will be dreadful, melancholy and calamitous, 32 00:02:21,970 --> 00:02:24,970 a word which here means "dreadful and melancholy." 33 00:02:25,970 --> 00:02:28,520 That is because not very many happy things happened 34 00:02:28,590 --> 00:02:30,590 in the lives of the Baudelaires. 35 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:32,310 [ground trembling] 36 00:02:39,090 --> 00:02:40,590 [bell dings] 37 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:48,220 Violet, Klaus and Sunny were intelligent children. 38 00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:52,510 Charming and resourceful, they had pleasant facial features, 39 00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:54,880 but they were extremely unlucky. 40 00:02:54,970 --> 00:02:57,220 Most everything that happened to them was rife 41 00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:59,880 with misfortune, misery and despair. 42 00:02:59,970 --> 00:03:02,970 -I'm sorry to tell you this... -[siren wailing] 43 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:16,840 ...but that's how the story goes. 44 00:03:19,220 --> 00:03:20,600 Briny Beach, please. 45 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:23,390 The Baudelaire family lived in an enormous mansion 46 00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:25,100 at the heart of a dirty and busy city, 47 00:03:25,180 --> 00:03:28,220 and one day the parents rather unexpectedly asked their children 48 00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:31,170 to take a rickety trolley alone to the seashore. 49 00:03:31,260 --> 00:03:33,460 I wonder why Mother and Father didn't want to come with us. 50 00:03:33,550 --> 00:03:35,420 Maybe they don't like this rickety trolley. 51 00:03:35,510 --> 00:03:37,300 "Rickety" is a word here which means 52 00:03:37,390 --> 00:03:40,310 "unsteady" or "likely to collapse at any moment." 53 00:03:40,390 --> 00:03:43,060 Hey, kids! Aren't you going to the Festive Fun Fair, 54 00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,220 with all the jolly rides and games and snacks? 55 00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:46,510 "Festive" means "fun." 56 00:03:46,590 --> 00:03:48,050 We know what "festive" means. 57 00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:50,770 Thank you, but it's a perfect morning to go to the beach. 58 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:53,380 -It's gray and cloudy. -That's what makes it perfect. 59 00:03:53,470 --> 00:03:54,520 Suit yourself. 60 00:03:54,590 --> 00:03:56,590 -[chuckles] -[bell dings] 61 00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:00,180 When Briny Beach was hot and sunny, the seashore was crowded with tourists 62 00:04:00,260 --> 00:04:03,210 and it was impossible to find a good place to lay one's blanket. 63 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:08,510 On gray and cloudy days, the Baudelaires had the beach more or less to themselves, 64 00:04:08,590 --> 00:04:12,010 so they could work together on their projects and experiments. 65 00:04:12,090 --> 00:04:14,050 -Are you ready? -Let's get to work. 66 00:04:14,140 --> 00:04:15,890 Do you think this will be as good as the mailbox? 67 00:04:15,970 --> 00:04:18,060 I think this will be even better than the mailbox. 68 00:04:18,140 --> 00:04:20,720 [Lemony] Violet Baudelaire was the eldest Baudelaire child. 69 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:22,920 She was 14 years old, right-handed, 70 00:04:23,010 --> 00:04:26,420 had a real knack for inventing and building unusual devices. 71 00:04:26,510 --> 00:04:28,760 I'm having a problem with the grandfather clock. 72 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,010 Can you show me what the specific issues are? 73 00:04:31,090 --> 00:04:33,630 [whirring and ringing] 74 00:04:34,890 --> 00:04:36,020 See? It toasts the bread, 75 00:04:36,090 --> 00:04:38,380 but the minute hand falls behind five minutes. 76 00:04:38,470 --> 00:04:40,520 It could be a problem with the gears. 77 00:04:40,590 --> 00:04:42,960 [sighs] That'd be disappointing. I made them myself. 78 00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:46,430 [Lemony] When Violet Baudelaire tied her hair up like that, 79 00:04:46,510 --> 00:04:50,090 it was a sure sign that the pulleys, levers and gears of her inventing mind 80 00:04:50,180 --> 00:04:51,720 were working at top speed. 81 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,260 Klaus, at what angle are the prevailing currents? 82 00:04:54,340 --> 00:04:55,760 The angle of the prevailing currents... 83 00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:58,960 Klaus Baudelaire was the middle child and only boy. 84 00:04:59,050 --> 00:05:01,170 He was a little older than 12 and wore glasses, 85 00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:02,590 which made him look intelligent. 86 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,390 Of course, we still need the right projectile. 87 00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:05,850 He was intelligent. 88 00:05:06,970 --> 00:05:08,600 [bell dinging] 89 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,560 [Klaus] Violet, I'm not sure I understand this passage of Proust. 90 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:14,930 Could you read it to me? 91 00:05:15,010 --> 00:05:17,380 "Happiness is beneficial for the body, 92 00:05:17,470 --> 00:05:20,020 but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind." 93 00:05:20,090 --> 00:05:21,510 It could be the translation. 94 00:05:21,590 --> 00:05:23,920 Maybe it makes more sense in the original French. 95 00:05:24,010 --> 00:05:25,380 [soft chuckle] 96 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:28,590 Sunny, do we have the right projectile? 97 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:31,180 -[babbles] -[Lemony] Sunny Baudelaire was an infant, 98 00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:33,130 a word which here means "a person of the age 99 00:05:33,220 --> 00:05:35,970 at which one mostly speaks in a series of unintelligible shrieks," 100 00:05:36,050 --> 00:05:38,510 so most people had trouble understanding what she was saying. 101 00:05:38,590 --> 00:05:40,590 [babbles] 102 00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:45,800 [Lemony] What Sunny lacked in communication skills, however, 103 00:05:45,890 --> 00:05:49,680 she made up for with the size and sharpness of her four teeth. 104 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:51,050 [gnawing] 105 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:00,880 [chuckles] 106 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,670 That's perfect, Sunny. Thank you. 107 00:06:12,180 --> 00:06:14,270 Excuse me, Violet, but why are you using your left hand? 108 00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:15,960 I'm curious to see if I can skip the rock 109 00:06:16,050 --> 00:06:17,550 as far with my left as I can with my right. 110 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:18,810 I don't mean to criticize, 111 00:06:18,890 --> 00:06:21,560 but standard scientific method calls for stable systematics. 112 00:06:22,470 --> 00:06:24,270 You should use your standard right-handedness. 113 00:06:24,340 --> 00:06:25,840 That does seem reasonable. 114 00:06:36,180 --> 00:06:37,890 Klaus, what's that thing Einstein said? 115 00:06:37,970 --> 00:06:40,850 "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. 116 00:06:40,930 --> 00:06:43,350 It is the source of all true art and science." 117 00:06:43,430 --> 00:06:45,390 And what's that thing James Brown said? 118 00:06:45,470 --> 00:06:47,430 "I got something that makes me want to shout." 119 00:06:47,510 --> 00:06:50,210 "I've got something that tells me what it's all about." 120 00:06:51,930 --> 00:06:53,350 [whirring] 121 00:07:10,510 --> 00:07:12,300 [both] "I'm super bad!" 122 00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:13,600 It worked. 123 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:16,140 -I never expected otherwise. -[chuckles] 124 00:07:17,050 --> 00:07:18,960 Yes, the invention worked. 125 00:07:19,050 --> 00:07:20,920 This would be a perfect time to leave 126 00:07:21,010 --> 00:07:24,210 and pretend the rest of the story was just as happy and successful. 127 00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:25,920 I just wish Mother and Father had seen it. 128 00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:28,710 It's not like them to send us off on our own so unexpectedly. 129 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:29,880 [gasps] 130 00:07:31,010 --> 00:07:32,130 [man coughing in distance] 131 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,550 [continues coughing] 132 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:42,310 [Lemony] Certainly, I wish I could go back 133 00:07:42,390 --> 00:07:44,970 and change the history of the Baudelaires at this very moment 134 00:07:45,050 --> 00:07:48,550 rather than the descent into misery, tribulation and... 135 00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:53,180 dire inconvenience which will occur shortly. 136 00:07:56,010 --> 00:07:58,340 It only seems scary because of all the mist. 137 00:08:00,050 --> 00:08:01,550 [coughing] 138 00:08:03,090 --> 00:08:04,710 It's Mr. Poe. 139 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,300 From the bank? What's he doing here? 140 00:08:07,390 --> 00:08:09,680 [coughing] 141 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,300 [sniffles, sighs] 142 00:08:12,340 --> 00:08:13,420 [chuckles lightly] 143 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:18,170 [sighs] 144 00:08:19,550 --> 00:08:21,050 -How do you do? -How do you do? 145 00:08:22,550 --> 00:08:24,260 [coughs] Fine, thank you. 146 00:08:25,550 --> 00:08:26,630 It's a nice day. 147 00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:29,630 It is a nice day. 148 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:32,220 I have some very bad news for you children. 149 00:08:32,300 --> 00:08:35,460 Your parents have perished in a terrible fire. 150 00:08:40,390 --> 00:08:43,890 They perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home. 151 00:08:47,010 --> 00:08:51,260 I'm very, very sorry to have to tell you this... 152 00:08:52,010 --> 00:08:53,340 my dears. 153 00:08:58,050 --> 00:08:59,380 "Perished" means "killed." 154 00:08:59,470 --> 00:09:01,350 We know what "perished" means. 155 00:09:01,970 --> 00:09:03,390 [chuckles lightly] 156 00:09:07,550 --> 00:09:08,800 Hey. 157 00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:16,430 I have spent months of research and years crying myself to sleep, 158 00:09:16,510 --> 00:09:20,090 trying to discover the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire. 159 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:38,710 But... all my associates and I have managed to learn 160 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,380 is that neither the official fire department 161 00:09:41,470 --> 00:09:45,720 nor the volunteer fire department arrived in time to stop the blaze. 162 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,210 And within moments, the entire Baudelaire mansion 163 00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:49,760 was engulfed in flames. 164 00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:54,470 It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus and Sunny felt 165 00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:56,170 in the time that followed. 166 00:09:56,260 --> 00:09:58,380 If you have ever lost somebody very important to you, 167 00:09:58,470 --> 00:09:59,930 then you already know how it feels. 168 00:10:00,010 --> 00:10:03,670 And if you haven't... you cannot possibly imagine it. 169 00:10:08,890 --> 00:10:10,560 [Mr. Poe coughing] 170 00:10:22,970 --> 00:10:25,430 I've never been through anything like this myself, 171 00:10:25,510 --> 00:10:27,420 but I can imagine just how you feel. 172 00:10:28,260 --> 00:10:31,630 I did think you'd want to see what remains of your home, 173 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:34,810 even though it is... [sighs] more or less, um... 174 00:10:34,890 --> 00:10:36,640 It's all gone. 175 00:10:37,590 --> 00:10:41,880 I just want to assure you Baudelaires that you have absolutely nothing... 176 00:10:41,970 --> 00:10:43,520 We have absolutely nothing. 177 00:10:43,590 --> 00:10:45,960 [sighs] ...to worry about. 178 00:10:47,340 --> 00:10:48,550 [Sunny gasps] 179 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:58,340 I am the executor of your parents' estate, 180 00:10:58,430 --> 00:11:02,680 which means I'll be handling all matters concerning everything they left behind. 181 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,170 What did they leave behind? 182 00:11:04,260 --> 00:11:06,550 Financial security. 183 00:11:08,010 --> 00:11:09,380 [gasps] 184 00:11:09,470 --> 00:11:13,680 [Mr. Poe] Your parents left behind an enormous fortune, 185 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,760 which will be yours when Violet comes of age. 186 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:20,210 Until then, you will be placed with the proper guardian, or guardians, 187 00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:24,460 as decided by myself and my fellow bankers at Mulctuary Money Management. 188 00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:29,970 [clears throat] 189 00:11:42,180 --> 00:11:43,850 Say goodbye, Baudelaires. 190 00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:55,810 [engine starts] 191 00:12:04,970 --> 00:12:06,310 Goodbye. 192 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,380 [Mr. Poe] Until we've identified your designated guardian, 193 00:12:15,470 --> 00:12:17,140 you'll stay with my family. 194 00:12:17,220 --> 00:12:19,140 That's not so bad, is it, Baudelaires? 195 00:12:19,220 --> 00:12:21,640 I'm sure you'll become fast friends with Edgar and Albert. 196 00:12:24,090 --> 00:12:25,960 -[Edgar] It's a raven. -[Albert] It's a crow! 197 00:12:26,050 --> 00:12:27,840 -It's a raven! -It's a crow! 198 00:12:27,930 --> 00:12:29,310 It's chicken. Boiled chicken. 199 00:12:29,390 --> 00:12:32,060 And we have boiled potatoes and blanched string beans. 200 00:12:32,140 --> 00:12:33,350 What does "blanched" mean? 201 00:12:33,430 --> 00:12:35,270 -It means "boiled." -Nobody asked you. 202 00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:36,760 Now, now, son. 203 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,550 No, my darling, Albert is right. Nobody asked the Baudelaires. 204 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,060 But, honey, look! 205 00:12:42,140 --> 00:12:44,720 Dearest, maybe not in front of the children. 206 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:47,260 But I thought it would cheer them up, the little Gloomy Guses. 207 00:12:47,340 --> 00:12:50,710 I had my star reporter write an article for the front page 208 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,300 so that everyone will know 209 00:12:52,390 --> 00:12:54,810 your home was destroyed and you're orphans now. 210 00:12:54,890 --> 00:12:56,310 The front page! 211 00:12:56,390 --> 00:12:58,310 Some people wait a lifetime for that. 212 00:12:58,390 --> 00:13:02,060 And darling, look... you're mentioned, too! 213 00:13:04,180 --> 00:13:05,600 [Eleanora chuckles] 214 00:13:07,180 --> 00:13:11,770 "Generosity shown by prominent member of the banking community." 215 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:14,050 If your bosses at the bank see this, it may spell 216 00:13:14,140 --> 00:13:17,350 P-R-O-M-A-T-I-O-N! 217 00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:18,930 -Promation? -Promotion! 218 00:13:19,010 --> 00:13:21,090 -No, that's not how you spell "promotion." -[Eleanora] Promotion. 219 00:13:21,180 --> 00:13:23,560 -P-R-O... P-R-R... -P-R-O-M-A-E-O-- 220 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,430 -See? I've been saying it-- -Honey, P-R-R... 221 00:13:25,510 --> 00:13:26,590 Listen to what I'm saying... 222 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,270 -I'm sorry. -...before you start speaking! 223 00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:30,590 -[Eleanora] P-R-O-- -I don't... feel very hungry. 224 00:13:32,970 --> 00:13:34,100 May we go to our rooms? 225 00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:36,970 [coughs] "Rooms"? 226 00:13:38,180 --> 00:13:41,220 -Good night, Edgar. -Good night, Albert. 227 00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:42,380 [Mr. Poe sighs] 228 00:13:42,470 --> 00:13:45,350 -Good night, Albert. -Good night, Edgar. 229 00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:48,840 And good night, guests. 230 00:13:50,050 --> 00:13:53,960 You must feel terrible, and you must miss your parents very much. 231 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:55,840 We do. 232 00:13:55,930 --> 00:13:57,020 You do what? 233 00:13:57,930 --> 00:13:58,930 Say it. 234 00:13:59,510 --> 00:14:03,340 We feel terrible, and we miss our parents very much. 235 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:07,970 [sighs deeply] That's gonna make a wonderful headline. 236 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:13,800 [Violet sighs] 237 00:14:15,390 --> 00:14:18,520 Good night, Baudelaires. Remember, our home is your home. 238 00:14:18,590 --> 00:14:19,960 But don't touch anything. 239 00:14:26,430 --> 00:14:27,430 How'd you do it? 240 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:32,920 Do what? 241 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,100 Set the fire. 242 00:14:36,550 --> 00:14:37,880 [sighs] 243 00:14:46,140 --> 00:14:50,310 [Lemony] In the years since, I've inquired what became of the Brothers Poe. 244 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,930 One followed his father into the world of banking. 245 00:14:53,010 --> 00:14:55,460 The other lives in a cave and talks to sheep. 246 00:14:56,510 --> 00:14:58,420 They each think the other has it better. 247 00:14:59,470 --> 00:15:04,770 I regret to inform you, the Baudelaires' fate was worse. 248 00:15:08,430 --> 00:15:10,140 [rings bell] 249 00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:21,520 Chop-chop, Baudelaires! 250 00:15:21,590 --> 00:15:23,510 Now that I've found you a suitable guardian, 251 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,880 I'm going to take you to your new home before banking hours begin. 252 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,850 [sighs] 253 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,550 I know you must be nervous about living with a guardian. 254 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:40,930 I remember how I was when I was your age. 255 00:15:41,010 --> 00:15:42,260 We're all different ages. 256 00:15:42,340 --> 00:15:44,670 Well, I should think at least a fraction of your unhappiness 257 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,050 will turn to excitement when you meet this man. 258 00:15:47,140 --> 00:15:49,520 I know he's certainly very eager to meet you. 259 00:15:49,590 --> 00:15:53,090 And he's employed as an actor, so you know his excitement is genuine. 260 00:15:53,180 --> 00:15:55,970 His name is Count Olaf. 261 00:15:56,050 --> 00:15:58,510 -Never heard of him. -He's either... Let's see. What is it? 262 00:15:58,590 --> 00:16:02,460 Your third cousin fourth time removed, or your fourth cousin three times removed. 263 00:16:02,550 --> 00:16:03,840 In any case, he's removed. 264 00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:07,350 Still, he's only three miles away, and your parents' will was very specific 265 00:16:07,430 --> 00:16:09,600 about your being raised by your closest living relative. 266 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,680 Does he really think that's what "closest living relative" means? 267 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:13,920 -Mr. Poe? -Hmm? 268 00:16:14,010 --> 00:16:15,460 If he lives so close by, 269 00:16:15,550 --> 00:16:17,460 why didn't our parents ever invite him over? 270 00:16:17,550 --> 00:16:19,510 Possibly because he was very busy. 271 00:16:19,590 --> 00:16:21,880 As a banker, I'm often very busy myself. 272 00:16:21,970 --> 00:16:26,020 Which is why this guardian drop-off is going to be a bit hasty. 273 00:16:26,090 --> 00:16:28,210 "Hasty" means "quickly," because I'm due at the bank soon. 274 00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:30,380 We know what "hasty" means. 275 00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:33,590 [strained coughing] 276 00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:40,960 Hello there! Salutations! Shalom! 277 00:16:41,050 --> 00:16:43,920 You must be the Baudelaire children! 278 00:16:44,010 --> 00:16:45,510 Yes, I'm Violet Baudelaire, 279 00:16:45,590 --> 00:16:47,880 and this is my brother, Klaus, and this is my sister, Sunny. 280 00:16:47,970 --> 00:16:50,680 And this is Mr. Poe. He's been arranging things for us. 281 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,920 Mulctuary Money Management. My name and title are on the card. 282 00:16:54,010 --> 00:16:57,460 Although I may be in line for a promotion, so that might change. 283 00:16:57,550 --> 00:17:00,050 Oh, well, I am Justice Strauss of the High Court. 284 00:17:00,140 --> 00:17:02,100 Forgive my not shaking hands, but as you can see, 285 00:17:02,180 --> 00:17:03,640 I am a mountain of parcels. 286 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,770 I just bought a new toolkit because my food processor broke. 287 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:08,630 Although I don't know who I think I'm kidding, 288 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:12,220 because I have no inventive or mechanical skill whatsoever. 289 00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:16,130 Then I treated myself to new file cards for my private library, 290 00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:18,890 and frankly I don't have an acute literary sense. 291 00:17:18,970 --> 00:17:23,850 And then, to top it all off, I forgot to buy a new bread knife. 292 00:17:23,930 --> 00:17:26,350 It means I have no possible way of cutting up this baguette 293 00:17:26,430 --> 00:17:27,890 into bite-sized pieces, 294 00:17:27,970 --> 00:17:29,770 which is really unfortunate 295 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,550 because I was gonna take the bread that was cut up 296 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,390 with a white bean hummus-- 297 00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:37,020 We'd be more than happy to be of assistance, Justice Strauss. 298 00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:42,090 My sister is very mechanically minded, and I'm quite adept at library science. 299 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,880 What my sister means is her teeth are perfect for slicing bread. 300 00:17:47,970 --> 00:17:51,020 [gasps] Well, how wonderful! 301 00:17:51,090 --> 00:17:55,380 How lucky am I to have such unusual children in my life? 302 00:17:55,470 --> 00:17:56,770 Are you Count Olaf's wife? 303 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:57,960 What? 304 00:17:58,050 --> 00:18:00,130 Oh! Oh, no! 305 00:18:00,220 --> 00:18:02,680 No. No. Goodness me, no. 306 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,050 No, I don't even really know him that well. 307 00:18:05,140 --> 00:18:06,890 He's... he's just my neighbor. 308 00:18:06,970 --> 00:18:09,430 His house is over there. 309 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,090 [twittering] 310 00:18:17,340 --> 00:18:19,340 [screeching, cawing] 311 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:32,170 [doorbell chiming spooky melody] 312 00:18:35,430 --> 00:18:36,720 That's strange. 313 00:18:37,430 --> 00:18:40,930 He said specifically he was waiting very eagerly to get his hands on you. 314 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,970 [doorbell chiming spooky melody] 315 00:18:45,050 --> 00:18:46,090 Oh. 316 00:18:54,470 --> 00:18:56,390 Hello. No. 317 00:18:56,470 --> 00:18:57,970 [creepily] Hello. 318 00:18:58,050 --> 00:18:59,510 [Olaf] Hello, hello, hello. 319 00:18:59,590 --> 00:19:01,840 Hello. Hello. 320 00:19:06,390 --> 00:19:07,810 [locks rattling] 321 00:19:09,470 --> 00:19:13,100 Hello, hello, hello, children. 322 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:26,170 I am Count Olaf, the renowned actor and your new guardian. 323 00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:30,300 You're welcome. 324 00:19:31,430 --> 00:19:32,470 Thank you. 325 00:19:32,550 --> 00:19:33,880 You're welcome. 326 00:19:33,970 --> 00:19:37,100 Please, come in, and mind you wipe your feet on the mat 327 00:19:37,180 --> 00:19:38,600 so you don't track in any mud. 328 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:41,020 And don't forget your enormous fortune! 329 00:19:47,340 --> 00:19:50,630 Welcome to my humble home, orphans. 330 00:19:51,510 --> 00:19:52,590 And... 331 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,460 -a man with a hat on. -Poe. 332 00:19:56,550 --> 00:19:59,010 Actually, I'm about to be rather wealthy. So if you'll excuse me-- 333 00:19:59,090 --> 00:20:02,420 No, we spoke on the phone. I'm from Mulctuary Money Management. 334 00:20:02,510 --> 00:20:04,760 Hmm. "Money" sounds familiar, but-- 335 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:06,300 The bank. I'm from the bank. 336 00:20:06,390 --> 00:20:08,310 Ah, yes, the bank. 337 00:20:08,390 --> 00:20:11,060 Well, welcome to my humble home. 338 00:20:11,140 --> 00:20:12,770 [coughing] 339 00:20:15,010 --> 00:20:18,170 [coughing] It does seem to need a little work. 340 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:23,970 Well, I realize it's not as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion, 341 00:20:24,050 --> 00:20:26,260 but perhaps, children, with a bit of your money, 342 00:20:26,340 --> 00:20:28,710 we'll be able to fix it up, make it nicer. 343 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,420 Count Olaf, the Baudelaire fortune is not to be used for such matters. 344 00:20:31,510 --> 00:20:34,550 The Baudelaire will is very specific as to how the children are to be raised 345 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:36,100 in case of an unfortunate event. 346 00:20:36,180 --> 00:20:38,140 Ah, yes, the fire. 347 00:20:38,220 --> 00:20:39,810 They're to be raised by their closest relative. 348 00:20:39,890 --> 00:20:40,930 That is I, Count Olaf. 349 00:20:41,010 --> 00:20:44,840 And every cent of the Baudelaire fortune is locked up until Violet comes of age. 350 00:20:46,010 --> 00:20:48,170 -Which one is Violet? -[Mr. Poe] The eldest. 351 00:20:48,260 --> 00:20:49,840 [growls] 352 00:20:49,930 --> 00:20:52,640 All right, then. [inhales deeply] 353 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:56,810 Well, I hope I can prove myself to be the father you never had. 354 00:20:56,890 --> 00:20:57,930 We had a father. 355 00:20:58,010 --> 00:21:00,550 Yes, I know. And a mother. 356 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:02,680 Remarkable woman. Flammable. 357 00:21:04,300 --> 00:21:07,300 So, Poe, do I need to sign for them or something? 358 00:21:07,390 --> 00:21:08,930 What? No. No. 359 00:21:09,010 --> 00:21:13,960 Well, then, as we say in the theater, exit stage right. 360 00:21:14,050 --> 00:21:16,880 Goodbye, Violet. Goodbye, Klaus. Goodbye, Sunny. 361 00:21:16,970 --> 00:21:19,810 I hope you'll be happy here. I'll still check in on you occasionally. 362 00:21:19,890 --> 00:21:22,850 If you need anything or have questions, you can reach me at the bank. 363 00:21:30,220 --> 00:21:33,640 Well, children, before I give you a tour of your new home, 364 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:36,060 aren't you going to say "How do you do?" 365 00:21:36,140 --> 00:21:37,770 to your new guardian? 366 00:21:38,550 --> 00:21:39,630 How do you do? 367 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:41,020 [grunting] 368 00:21:41,890 --> 00:21:43,430 How do I do? 369 00:21:46,010 --> 00:21:50,510 Better and better, Baudelaires. 370 00:21:51,430 --> 00:21:55,020 Better and better. 371 00:21:56,470 --> 00:21:58,720 The dreadful villainy of this vile fiend 372 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:02,340 has haunted me since I first met him as a young man. 373 00:22:02,430 --> 00:22:05,310 And every night when I continue my work on the Baudelaire case, 374 00:22:05,390 --> 00:22:09,430 I find myself weeping thinking of his utter wickedness 375 00:22:09,510 --> 00:22:12,260 and severe lack of theatrical talent. 376 00:22:14,550 --> 00:22:17,170 -Do you know what this is? -It looks like a list. 377 00:22:17,260 --> 00:22:20,510 Wrong! It's a list. A list of chores. 378 00:22:20,590 --> 00:22:22,590 Rich brats like you are probably spoiled rotten 379 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:24,390 and have never done a chore in your life. 380 00:22:24,470 --> 00:22:26,520 Actually, we often help around the house. 381 00:22:26,590 --> 00:22:28,760 [mockingly] Really? Did you help around the house? That's great. 382 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:31,260 [normal] Well, welcome to your lucky life. 383 00:22:31,340 --> 00:22:35,050 Come with me, and I'll show you the delightful features of your home. 384 00:22:40,180 --> 00:22:43,600 This is the kitchen, where you may help yourselves to meals. 385 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:47,180 I expect you to keep everything gleamingly clean. 386 00:22:47,260 --> 00:22:48,550 "Gleamingly"? 387 00:22:49,180 --> 00:22:50,890 -Clean. -[fly buzzing] 388 00:22:50,970 --> 00:22:52,850 The stove is a bit like a servant. 389 00:22:52,930 --> 00:22:54,810 -You have to whack it sometimes... -[knuckles cracking] 390 00:22:54,890 --> 00:22:56,100 ...to get it to work. 391 00:22:56,180 --> 00:22:58,270 [clattering] 392 00:23:00,140 --> 00:23:03,680 This is the library, which you will keep well-dusted. 393 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,420 This is where I do all my reading. 394 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,630 I don't use the ballroom at all. 395 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:16,470 You'll have to redo the floors. 396 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:22,850 Laundry room. You can hang my underwear on that rack when you're done washing it. 397 00:23:26,550 --> 00:23:29,670 This is the backyard, which needs weeding, mowing and pruning. 398 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:31,670 It is also where you will chop wood. 399 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,550 [crow cawing] 400 00:23:38,140 --> 00:23:41,430 Bathroom number seven, the only one you are allowed to use. 401 00:23:41,510 --> 00:23:43,130 It has all the usual amenities, 402 00:23:43,220 --> 00:23:45,100 though the management regrets to inform you 403 00:23:45,180 --> 00:23:47,180 that the shampoo is not tear-free. 404 00:23:47,260 --> 00:23:49,300 If anything, it encourages tears. 405 00:23:49,390 --> 00:23:51,470 [rat squeaking] 406 00:23:52,090 --> 00:23:53,210 Rats bite. 407 00:23:55,550 --> 00:23:58,460 And this is where you will sleep, orphans. 408 00:24:00,340 --> 00:24:03,670 Out of all the numerous bedrooms in this enormous mansion, 409 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:06,550 I have chose this one for your safety and comfort. 410 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:07,850 There's only one bed. 411 00:24:08,510 --> 00:24:11,880 As you can see, I have provided, at no cost to you, 412 00:24:11,970 --> 00:24:14,520 this complimentary pile of rocks. 413 00:24:17,590 --> 00:24:18,880 [wind howling] 414 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:26,640 Thoughts? 415 00:24:27,510 --> 00:24:29,380 Thoughts? First of all-- 416 00:24:29,470 --> 00:24:32,720 First of all, first impressions are often wrong. 417 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:34,300 Very true. 418 00:24:34,390 --> 00:24:38,600 For example, your first impression of me may be that I am a terrible person. 419 00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:43,180 But in time, Baudelaires, I hope you'll come to realize... 420 00:24:45,930 --> 00:24:50,350 you haven't the faintest idea. 421 00:24:56,010 --> 00:24:57,800 I'll give you a moment to unpack. 422 00:25:04,340 --> 00:25:06,050 It's okay, Sunny, he's gone. 423 00:25:06,970 --> 00:25:08,060 He's horrible. 424 00:25:08,590 --> 00:25:09,960 Did you see the tattoo on his ankle? 425 00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:12,170 A tattoo is just a decorative pigment on skin. 426 00:25:12,260 --> 00:25:14,380 It's not a sign of a wicked person. 427 00:25:14,470 --> 00:25:17,220 -Unless it's on a wicked person. -[sighs] 428 00:25:17,890 --> 00:25:19,810 How could our parents put us here? 429 00:25:19,890 --> 00:25:22,640 [sighs] It's just a mistake. It'll get sorted out. 430 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:26,430 Until then, we'll make this our home. 431 00:25:27,010 --> 00:25:29,460 Mother used to say, "Home is where you hang your hat." 432 00:25:30,390 --> 00:25:31,930 But we don't have any hats. 433 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:33,760 Just rocks. 434 00:25:34,300 --> 00:25:38,840 Klaus, have you read any books on people who make homes in difficult places? 435 00:25:39,430 --> 00:25:41,100 There's a village in the Pacific Islands 436 00:25:41,180 --> 00:25:43,350 suspended on ropes above an active volcano. 437 00:25:44,260 --> 00:25:45,590 How do they manage? 438 00:25:46,300 --> 00:25:49,050 They own very little in case it erupts. 439 00:25:49,140 --> 00:25:51,270 Then we're already one step ahead. 440 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:53,670 -We own nothing. -[chuckles lightly] 441 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:58,260 If they can survive that, we can survive Count Olaf. 442 00:26:02,140 --> 00:26:03,390 Showtime! 443 00:26:04,090 --> 00:26:05,920 [chuckles deviously] 444 00:26:06,010 --> 00:26:10,710 Remember, if you work extra hard, you get to go to the ball... room... 445 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,380 which is even grimier. 446 00:26:13,260 --> 00:26:14,760 Hang on to your toothbrushes. 447 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:16,630 You'll need them for your teeth. 448 00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:20,180 -[doorbell chiming] -Stay here. And not a peep. 449 00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:24,840 [gasps] 450 00:26:25,510 --> 00:26:26,630 [inhales deeply] 451 00:26:27,340 --> 00:26:29,090 You're a little old for a Girl Scout. 452 00:26:29,180 --> 00:26:30,890 I'm Justice Strauss. 453 00:26:31,550 --> 00:26:32,460 Doesn't ring a bell. 454 00:26:32,550 --> 00:26:35,090 I'm your neighbor. I... I live across the street. 455 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,260 You've done something different to your hair. 456 00:26:37,340 --> 00:26:38,380 May I come in? 457 00:26:38,470 --> 00:26:39,560 Is this about the children? 458 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,850 I apologize for the noise. I told them to cry using their inside voices. 459 00:26:42,930 --> 00:26:44,140 -What? -Hmm? 460 00:26:44,890 --> 00:26:47,640 I... I just thought I'd stop by and see how they're doing. 461 00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:50,930 I know it's a little soon, but I'm about to become very busy 462 00:26:51,010 --> 00:26:52,840 with a difficult case in High Court. 463 00:26:52,930 --> 00:26:54,810 I'm not supposed to talk about it, 464 00:26:54,890 --> 00:27:00,310 but I can tell you that it involved an illegal use of someone's credit card... 465 00:27:00,390 --> 00:27:02,060 and a poisonous plant. 466 00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:05,760 I made them this lamb. 467 00:27:09,470 --> 00:27:11,140 How neighborly. 468 00:27:12,140 --> 00:27:14,720 I don't mean to seem like a lonely woman 469 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,880 who's overinvested in the lives of someone else's children... 470 00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:19,470 You do have that aura. 471 00:27:20,140 --> 00:27:22,390 Perhaps if I just pop in for a quick hello-- 472 00:27:22,470 --> 00:27:25,350 Now is not a good time. They're in one of their moods. [shudders] 473 00:27:25,430 --> 00:27:26,850 They seemed so sweet. 474 00:27:26,930 --> 00:27:29,430 Do you have children, Justice Strauss? 475 00:27:29,510 --> 00:27:30,760 Me? 476 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:32,380 Oh, no. No. 477 00:27:32,470 --> 00:27:36,560 No, I always hoped I would, but I'm married to the law, 478 00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:40,220 and you can't very well have book babies... 479 00:27:41,220 --> 00:27:42,770 now, can you? 480 00:27:44,090 --> 00:27:45,590 Well, you dodged a bullet. 481 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:48,430 Let me tell you, those children are monsters. 482 00:27:49,010 --> 00:27:52,300 I open my home to them, and all they do is complain. 483 00:27:52,390 --> 00:27:54,220 "The bathroom is filthy. 484 00:27:54,300 --> 00:27:57,300 The rat is noisy. The bed is cramped." 485 00:27:57,390 --> 00:27:59,850 I think living in a mansion has spoiled them. 486 00:27:59,930 --> 00:28:01,720 Well, they did just lose their-- 487 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,050 Did you say "bed"? 488 00:28:03,140 --> 00:28:06,680 I meant "bed" as in "more than one bed," obviously. 489 00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:09,130 The plural of "bed" is... "bed." 490 00:28:09,220 --> 00:28:11,180 Well, I wouldn't know. I live alone. 491 00:28:11,260 --> 00:28:12,510 No kidding. 492 00:28:13,590 --> 00:28:15,510 At least give them the lamb. 493 00:28:15,590 --> 00:28:18,380 I made my own mint jelly and... 494 00:28:18,470 --> 00:28:21,810 Please, just ask them if they'd like to see me. 495 00:28:23,260 --> 00:28:25,170 [sighs] Fine. 496 00:28:25,260 --> 00:28:29,210 But wait here, for your own safety. They tend to throw things. 497 00:28:32,430 --> 00:28:33,680 [door opening] 498 00:28:35,590 --> 00:28:36,800 You missed a spot. 499 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:52,340 [soft squeaking] 500 00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:57,710 Oh! 501 00:28:58,140 --> 00:28:59,560 They don't want to see you. 502 00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:01,430 Are you sure? What did they say? 503 00:29:01,510 --> 00:29:03,550 "The lamb was too salty." 504 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:04,810 Rich kids. 505 00:29:06,090 --> 00:29:08,550 Oh... I see. 506 00:29:09,260 --> 00:29:12,340 [Lemony] If only Justice Strauss had been able to get past Count Olaf, 507 00:29:12,430 --> 00:29:15,350 if only she'd seen the children in their horrible circumstances, 508 00:29:15,430 --> 00:29:19,350 if only this world weren't such a wicked and topsy-turvy place... 509 00:29:20,090 --> 00:29:22,630 this story might have turned out differently. 510 00:29:27,050 --> 00:29:28,260 [Violet sighs] 511 00:29:30,090 --> 00:29:33,340 -I never wanna use a toothbrush again. -[door opens] 512 00:29:34,930 --> 00:29:37,430 Why aren't you cleaning? My list was very specific. 513 00:29:37,510 --> 00:29:38,840 We finished it. 514 00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:44,680 No, you didn't. 515 00:29:45,930 --> 00:29:47,270 We even washed your underwear. 516 00:29:48,340 --> 00:29:49,920 You missed one. 517 00:29:50,010 --> 00:29:53,920 You still have to prepare a large meal for myself and my theater troupe. 518 00:29:54,010 --> 00:29:56,260 We don't know how to prepare a large dinner. 519 00:29:57,430 --> 00:29:59,560 Plan the menu, purchase the ingredients, 520 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:03,770 prepare the food, set the table, serve dinner, clean up afterward, 521 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:05,260 and stay out of our way. 522 00:30:05,340 --> 00:30:07,340 How can we purchase anything? We don't have any money. 523 00:30:07,430 --> 00:30:08,560 [sighs] 524 00:30:09,470 --> 00:30:11,310 [coins jingling] 525 00:30:12,510 --> 00:30:13,510 Do you know what that is? 526 00:30:13,590 --> 00:30:15,880 -Something greasy. -Money. 527 00:30:15,970 --> 00:30:18,100 Hard-earned money. 528 00:30:18,180 --> 00:30:22,680 The most important substance on earth besides applause and lip balm. 529 00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:26,760 Since the bossy banker won't let us use any of your parents' enormous fortune, 530 00:30:26,840 --> 00:30:30,510 I am now forced to cough up my own earnings 531 00:30:30,590 --> 00:30:33,880 from theatrical performances and the occasional bit of consulting work. 532 00:30:33,970 --> 00:30:36,680 Now... quick. Get a move on. 533 00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:38,260 The troupe will be here at 7:00. 534 00:30:38,340 --> 00:30:40,300 And in the meantime, I will be up in... 535 00:30:41,010 --> 00:30:41,840 Can you guess? 536 00:30:41,930 --> 00:30:43,180 Your secret tower room? 537 00:30:43,260 --> 00:30:46,130 Wrong! My secret tower room. 538 00:30:46,220 --> 00:30:49,310 Which you are forbidden to go into. Understood? Forbidden! 539 00:30:49,390 --> 00:30:51,720 -Forbidden. -That's... Yes. 540 00:30:58,930 --> 00:31:01,930 How are we supposed to make dinner for an entire theater troupe? 541 00:31:02,430 --> 00:31:03,770 We start with a recipe. 542 00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:06,300 Do you think Justice Strauss' library has any cookbooks? 543 00:31:12,180 --> 00:31:14,470 [both sigh] 544 00:31:18,970 --> 00:31:20,640 [birds chirping] 545 00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:21,930 [doorbell rings] 546 00:31:23,050 --> 00:31:26,590 [gasps] Baudelaires. I wasn't expecting to see you. 547 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:28,770 We meant to come sooner. We've been cleaning. 548 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:31,960 Yes, Count Olaf told me you were very particular about that. 549 00:31:32,050 --> 00:31:34,460 I hope you appreciate how much he's doing for you. 550 00:31:34,550 --> 00:31:37,210 I wouldn't say "much." 551 00:31:37,300 --> 00:31:40,760 Well, perhaps not compared to what you're used to. 552 00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:42,130 What can I do for you? 553 00:31:42,220 --> 00:31:44,720 Actually, Justice Strauss, we really need your help. 554 00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:45,840 You do? 555 00:31:46,470 --> 00:31:48,220 My sisters and I were wondering... 556 00:31:49,140 --> 00:31:50,850 Wondering what? 557 00:31:50,930 --> 00:31:52,810 If we might use your library. 558 00:31:52,890 --> 00:31:55,640 If you might use my library. 559 00:31:58,260 --> 00:32:01,090 Is there any book you're looking for in particular? 560 00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:03,930 A cookbook, so we can make dinner. 561 00:32:04,010 --> 00:32:06,010 I suppose anything but lamb. 562 00:32:06,090 --> 00:32:10,090 Well, my private library is open to you whenever you'd like. 563 00:32:10,180 --> 00:32:13,100 It's mostly law books, but there are sections on everything 564 00:32:13,180 --> 00:32:17,100 from Italian cuisine to the world's most threatening fungus. 565 00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:20,810 [sighs] 566 00:32:25,640 --> 00:32:30,310 I suppose it's not as nice as the libraries you're used to, but... 567 00:32:30,390 --> 00:32:32,140 -It's marvelous. -It's wonderful. 568 00:32:32,220 --> 00:32:33,850 Do you really think so? 569 00:32:33,930 --> 00:32:36,060 -[squeaks] -That means she likes it. 570 00:32:36,140 --> 00:32:38,140 Well, I'm so glad. 571 00:32:38,220 --> 00:32:41,680 The cookbooks are over there in Section G, 572 00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:45,760 and right here is my favorite table for serious research. 573 00:32:46,510 --> 00:32:49,170 Do you have a paper and pencil to take notes? 574 00:32:49,260 --> 00:32:50,510 Always. 575 00:32:50,590 --> 00:32:53,420 -[Strauss] What's that? -It’s something my parents had. 576 00:32:53,510 --> 00:32:55,170 -What is it? -I don't know. 577 00:32:57,220 --> 00:32:58,270 [Strauss] Hmm. 578 00:33:01,720 --> 00:33:06,180 Something, Klaus Baudelaire, is ringing a very faint bell. 579 00:33:06,260 --> 00:33:11,670 A library is like an island in a vast sea of ignorance. 580 00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:12,840 Don't you agree? 581 00:33:12,930 --> 00:33:17,770 I do. Particularly if the library is tall and the surrounded area has been flooded. 582 00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:19,170 That's a very good point. 583 00:33:19,260 --> 00:33:20,590 These books look promising. 584 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:24,140 Klaus, help your sister. Let me see what I can find here. 585 00:33:25,220 --> 00:33:27,270 I think I found something. Pasta puttanesca. 586 00:33:27,340 --> 00:33:28,840 I wonder what that means in Italian. 587 00:33:28,930 --> 00:33:31,270 All we have to do is sauté garlics and onions in a pot, 588 00:33:31,340 --> 00:33:35,170 and then add olives, capers, anchovies, diced parsley and tomatoes to simmer. 589 00:33:35,260 --> 00:33:36,420 We still need the pasta. 590 00:33:37,340 --> 00:33:39,800 I saw a pasta machine in Count Olaf's kitchen. 591 00:33:39,890 --> 00:33:42,390 -Looked broken, but I think I can fix it. -What do we have here? 592 00:33:42,470 --> 00:33:43,470 Justice Strauss? 593 00:33:43,550 --> 00:33:45,590 -Yes? -Is there a supermarket nearby? 594 00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:48,270 Oh... no. 595 00:33:48,340 --> 00:33:53,130 But there is a local open-air market and gin distillery. 596 00:33:59,140 --> 00:34:00,890 Thanks again for taking us. 597 00:34:00,970 --> 00:34:02,810 I don't know what we would have done without you. 598 00:34:02,890 --> 00:34:04,600 Oh, you're resourceful children. 599 00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:06,970 I daresay you would have thought of something. 600 00:34:07,510 --> 00:34:09,630 I think it's nice that you're cooking dinner 601 00:34:09,720 --> 00:34:12,810 for Count Olaf and your new theatrical family. 602 00:34:12,890 --> 00:34:15,770 I had dreams of becoming an actress, you know. 603 00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:19,010 An actress and a mother, instead of ending up 604 00:34:19,090 --> 00:34:21,800 as a world-renowned member of the judiciary... 605 00:34:21,890 --> 00:34:26,470 and in a series of strained, platonic relationships. 606 00:34:37,340 --> 00:34:38,760 Baudelaires? 607 00:34:39,470 --> 00:34:43,350 I always find cooking for family to be something of a mitzvah. 608 00:34:43,430 --> 00:34:44,600 Do you know what that means? 609 00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:46,180 -Commandment? -Blessing. 610 00:34:47,220 --> 00:34:50,520 You children have had such sorrow in your lives already, 611 00:34:50,590 --> 00:34:55,260 you deserve the blessing of a new family with Count Olaf, 612 00:34:55,340 --> 00:34:58,010 and, if you don't mind my saying so... 613 00:34:59,220 --> 00:35:00,060 with me. 614 00:35:00,140 --> 00:35:03,140 [chuckles] We don't mind your saying so. 615 00:35:03,220 --> 00:35:04,520 [gasps] 616 00:35:19,090 --> 00:35:21,460 Klaus, what's that thing James Brown said? 617 00:35:22,180 --> 00:35:23,350 "I feel good." 618 00:35:23,430 --> 00:35:25,810 -[accordion playing] -And a one, and a two, and a... 619 00:35:25,890 --> 00:35:26,970 [vocalizing] 620 00:35:27,050 --> 00:35:29,840 ♪ It's the count, it's the count It's the count ♪ 621 00:35:29,930 --> 00:35:33,430 ♪ It's the count, it's the count It's the count ♪ 622 00:35:33,510 --> 00:35:36,670 ♪ Who else has such robust good looks In such a large amount? ♪ 623 00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:41,340 ♪ I'm handsome and I'm talented And love your bank account ♪ 624 00:35:41,430 --> 00:35:44,470 ♪ It's the count, it's the count It's the count ♪ 625 00:35:44,550 --> 00:35:47,960 ♪ It's the count, it's the count It's the count ♪ 626 00:35:48,050 --> 00:35:51,170 ♪ The "C" is for courageous Just another word for brave ♪ 627 00:35:51,260 --> 00:35:52,800 -[troupe] ♪ O! ♪ -♪ Oh, my God ♪ 628 00:35:52,890 --> 00:35:54,470 ♪ What a very handsome knave ♪ 629 00:35:54,550 --> 00:35:56,590 -[troupe] ♪ U! ♪ -♪ Unbelievable good looks ♪ 630 00:35:56,680 --> 00:35:57,930 ♪ And brains and heart ♪ 631 00:35:58,010 --> 00:35:59,260 -♪ N! ♪ -♪ For the knowledge ♪ 632 00:35:59,340 --> 00:36:01,170 ♪ 'Cause I'm very, very smart ♪ 633 00:36:01,260 --> 00:36:02,460 -♪ T! ♪ -♪ For the talent ♪ 634 00:36:02,550 --> 00:36:04,050 ♪ Which is such a crucial factor ♪ 635 00:36:04,140 --> 00:36:05,560 ♪ When you're handsome and good-looking ♪ 636 00:36:05,640 --> 00:36:07,850 ♪ And the world's greatest actor ♪ 637 00:36:07,930 --> 00:36:10,520 [troupe] ♪ It's the count, it's the count It's the count ♪ 638 00:36:10,590 --> 00:36:14,090 ♪ It's the count, it's the count It's the count ♪ 639 00:36:14,180 --> 00:36:17,220 ♪ Who else has such robust good looks In such a large amount? ♪ 640 00:36:17,300 --> 00:36:23,090 ♪ I'm handsome and I'm talented And love your bank account ♪ 641 00:36:25,180 --> 00:36:28,350 ♪ It's the count, it's the count It's the count ♪ 642 00:36:28,430 --> 00:36:32,390 ♪ It's the count, it's the count ♪ 643 00:36:32,470 --> 00:36:38,310 ♪ It's the count ♪ 644 00:36:44,090 --> 00:36:46,590 ♪ The count ♪ 645 00:36:48,180 --> 00:36:49,970 Yes, we've met. 646 00:36:50,590 --> 00:36:52,090 [panting] 647 00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:57,300 Orphans... [clears throat] 648 00:36:57,390 --> 00:36:58,850 ...this is my theater troupe. 649 00:36:58,930 --> 00:37:00,140 -Hi. -Hi. 650 00:37:00,220 --> 00:37:01,890 -Hi. -[white-faced women] Hello. 651 00:37:01,970 --> 00:37:05,930 And as anyone in the theater knows, after a grand entrance, 652 00:37:06,010 --> 00:37:08,630 the audience is supposed to applaud. 653 00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:10,220 "Applaud" means go like this. 654 00:37:11,260 --> 00:37:12,710 We're not an audience. 655 00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:16,630 No, orphans, you are not. 656 00:37:16,720 --> 00:37:20,770 But we have been preparing an exciting new production 657 00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:23,840 that, on opening night, will change your life. 658 00:37:23,930 --> 00:37:28,640 All of the artistic and financial aspects of my career are finally coming together 659 00:37:28,720 --> 00:37:32,310 like two pieces of a bread in the middle of a sandwich. 660 00:37:35,340 --> 00:37:36,880 What my sister means is that-- 661 00:37:36,970 --> 00:37:38,270 I don't care what she means. 662 00:37:38,340 --> 00:37:40,130 I don't have time to learn a second language 663 00:37:40,220 --> 00:37:42,350 besides whatever it is I'm speaking right now. 664 00:37:42,430 --> 00:37:46,430 In any case, we demand congratulations. 665 00:37:48,090 --> 00:37:49,800 [both] Congratulations. 666 00:37:49,890 --> 00:37:51,220 [sighs] 667 00:37:51,300 --> 00:37:52,760 A big round of applause. 668 00:37:56,300 --> 00:37:59,840 And the delicious meal that you promised myself and my troupe. 669 00:38:02,470 --> 00:38:04,180 You know, every time she talks, 670 00:38:04,260 --> 00:38:07,300 it's like the tines of a fork are being jammed into my-- 671 00:38:07,390 --> 00:38:09,310 What my sister means is, dinner will be served shortly. 672 00:38:09,390 --> 00:38:10,680 What are we supposed to do until then? 673 00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:14,010 -We could wait patiently. -How about some wine, Olaf? 674 00:38:14,090 --> 00:38:16,210 Yes, yes, wine. We had that nice rosé last time. 675 00:38:16,300 --> 00:38:18,340 It wasn't rosé, it was just watered down. 676 00:38:18,890 --> 00:38:21,470 [sighs] Okay, fine. I'll open up a box of the Merlote. 677 00:38:31,430 --> 00:38:34,970 An associate of mine named Brillat-Savarin famously said, 678 00:38:35,050 --> 00:38:38,960 "To invite people to dine with us is to make ourselves responsible 679 00:38:39,050 --> 00:38:41,760 for their well-being as long as they are under our roofs." 680 00:38:42,470 --> 00:38:45,430 But he was an 18th century philosopher and gourmand... 681 00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:50,170 and these were three children with very little catering experience. 682 00:38:55,550 --> 00:38:59,170 Nevertheless, the Baudelaire orphans snapped into action. 683 00:38:59,260 --> 00:39:02,630 This pasta maker reminds me of the one built by Thomas Jefferson. 684 00:39:02,720 --> 00:39:03,720 Will it work? 685 00:39:04,930 --> 00:39:06,850 -It will now. -[chuckles] 686 00:39:06,930 --> 00:39:09,140 I wonder if Count Olaf's troupe will enjoy this meal. 687 00:39:09,220 --> 00:39:11,350 Mother said that actors will eat anything. 688 00:39:11,800 --> 00:39:14,460 You've seen them perform. Would you call them actors? 689 00:39:14,550 --> 00:39:16,840 -They're all as talented as Count Olaf. -[scoffs] 690 00:39:16,930 --> 00:39:18,720 [Lemony] While they waited for the pasta to boil, 691 00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:21,590 Violet sautéed the garlic, and washed and chopped the anchovies. 692 00:39:21,680 --> 00:39:24,180 Klaus peeled the tomatoes and pitted the olives. 693 00:39:24,260 --> 00:39:25,880 And Sunny banged on a pot with a wooden spoon, 694 00:39:25,970 --> 00:39:29,060 singing a rather repetitive song she had written herself. 695 00:39:29,140 --> 00:39:31,890 [babbles rhythmically] 696 00:39:31,970 --> 00:39:34,060 By the time it was time for the youngest Baudelaire 697 00:39:34,140 --> 00:39:35,720 to chop the parsley with her teeth... 698 00:39:38,300 --> 00:39:41,380 all three children felt less miserable than they had... 699 00:39:41,890 --> 00:39:44,220 since they first came to Count Olaf's. 700 00:39:44,300 --> 00:39:46,550 I think Dad would be proud of this sauce. 701 00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:48,680 And I think Mom would be proud of how you made your own pasta. 702 00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:50,090 [chuckles] 703 00:39:50,180 --> 00:39:53,140 Maybe we can make this our home after all. 704 00:39:54,050 --> 00:39:56,630 Remember what Father said when he burnt the quesadillas? 705 00:39:56,720 --> 00:39:57,770 Yeah. 706 00:39:58,890 --> 00:39:59,970 "Better than nothing." 707 00:40:04,180 --> 00:40:08,640 At times like these, surrounded by colleagues and cohorts, 708 00:40:08,720 --> 00:40:12,770 gathered in fellowship for the purpose of plotting theater, 709 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:16,460 there's an eternal question that always springs to mind... 710 00:40:17,430 --> 00:40:20,220 [yelling] When are we going to eat? 711 00:40:24,550 --> 00:40:25,710 Dinner is served. 712 00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:28,710 -Wow, that was quick. -And it smells delicious. 713 00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:31,090 -[Olaf groans] -I mean... [grunts] 714 00:40:32,590 --> 00:40:36,710 As I was saying, before the help interrupted... 715 00:40:38,340 --> 00:40:41,170 there is no "I" in acting... 716 00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:45,130 no selfish urges, no arrogance, 717 00:40:45,220 --> 00:40:47,930 no ego, no vanity, 718 00:40:48,010 --> 00:40:52,380 no dangerous overabundance of inflated self-regard. 719 00:40:53,300 --> 00:40:58,380 There is only what the French call a certain... "escargot." 720 00:40:58,470 --> 00:40:59,560 [bald man] Mmm-hmm. 721 00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:03,850 It is the first burst of applause when the curtain rises. 722 00:41:03,930 --> 00:41:06,600 -[grunts] -The second burst of applause 723 00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:10,560 when the leading man glides out from the wings, 724 00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:15,060 faces his crowd and recites the-- 725 00:41:15,140 --> 00:41:16,850 -Soliloquy. -[sighs] 726 00:41:18,430 --> 00:41:22,020 I'm... That's... His soliloquy. 727 00:41:22,930 --> 00:41:27,140 It is the thrill of the 14th mandatory standing ovation. 728 00:41:28,010 --> 00:41:31,630 I give and I give to my public 729 00:41:31,720 --> 00:41:36,060 just as I give and I give to these orphans. 730 00:41:36,140 --> 00:41:39,220 But sometimes, and every actor does this, 731 00:41:39,300 --> 00:41:41,710 I ask myself, "Is it worth it? 732 00:41:42,220 --> 00:41:45,430 Is it really worth it to chase an enormous fortune?" 733 00:41:45,510 --> 00:41:46,840 [clearing throat] Boss... 734 00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:51,520 -Where's the roast beef? -What? 735 00:41:54,430 --> 00:41:57,020 The roast beef. 736 00:41:57,090 --> 00:42:01,300 We didn't make any roast beef. We made puttanesca sauce. 737 00:42:01,390 --> 00:42:02,770 And homemade pasta. 738 00:42:02,840 --> 00:42:05,210 What? No roast beef? 739 00:42:05,300 --> 00:42:08,010 You didn't tell us you wanted roast beef. 740 00:42:08,090 --> 00:42:09,550 Look at my guests! 741 00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:13,270 They... they can hardly touch this revolting foreign food. 742 00:42:13,340 --> 00:42:14,420 [all spitting] 743 00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:18,220 [bald man slurps] 744 00:42:21,720 --> 00:42:27,560 [scoffs] In agreeing to adopt you, I became your father. 745 00:42:27,640 --> 00:42:33,180 And as your father, I am not someone to be trifled with. 746 00:42:33,260 --> 00:42:35,840 You can't go easy on children. They need to be taught to obey their elders. 747 00:42:35,930 --> 00:42:37,180 You asked them to make dinner. 748 00:42:37,260 --> 00:42:39,670 And all they did was slap together some disgusting sauce. 749 00:42:39,760 --> 00:42:43,420 That's what happens with wealthy kids. Money is really a corrupting influence. 750 00:42:43,510 --> 00:42:45,050 Well, let's not get carried away. 751 00:42:45,720 --> 00:42:47,770 Hmm. You're a pretty little one. 752 00:42:47,840 --> 00:42:51,960 I demand that you serve roast beef to myself and my guests! 753 00:42:52,050 --> 00:42:55,210 We don't have any. We made pasta puttanesca. 754 00:42:59,590 --> 00:43:00,960 -[Violet] Sunny! -Put her down. 755 00:43:01,050 --> 00:43:04,420 [chuckles deviously] Alas, poor Sunny. 756 00:43:04,510 --> 00:43:05,510 [crying] 757 00:43:05,590 --> 00:43:08,510 -Let her go! -[all gasp] 758 00:43:08,590 --> 00:43:10,380 [Olaf continues chuckling] 759 00:43:14,260 --> 00:43:15,760 Oh, oh. 760 00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:17,880 [Olaf giggling] 761 00:43:25,390 --> 00:43:29,310 This table is a mess. There's hardly a place to put down a baby. 762 00:43:31,590 --> 00:43:32,710 [Violet] Sunny! 763 00:43:36,550 --> 00:43:38,090 We're leaving for rehearsals. 764 00:43:38,180 --> 00:43:39,600 But the baby said there was chocolate pudding! 765 00:43:39,680 --> 00:43:40,850 Shh. 766 00:43:40,930 --> 00:43:43,430 You children are to clean the table, 767 00:43:43,510 --> 00:43:46,090 and wash the dishes, and polish the silver, 768 00:43:46,180 --> 00:43:48,470 and rinse out all the wine bottles for recycling. 769 00:43:48,550 --> 00:43:50,550 And then you are to go straight to your beds. 770 00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:52,180 You mean our bed? 771 00:43:52,890 --> 00:43:54,930 You've only provided us with one bed. 772 00:43:56,340 --> 00:43:58,670 If you want another bed, 773 00:43:58,760 --> 00:44:01,800 tomorrow you may go into town and purchase one. 774 00:44:01,890 --> 00:44:03,720 You know perfectly well we haven't any money. 775 00:44:03,800 --> 00:44:05,670 Hmm. Of course you do. 776 00:44:05,760 --> 00:44:10,590 You three lucky orphans are inheriting an enormous fortune. 777 00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:13,310 The money our parents left behind is not to be used until Violet-- 778 00:44:13,390 --> 00:44:15,680 -[Violet gasps] -[all gasping] 779 00:44:15,760 --> 00:44:18,460 -[panting] -[Olaf breathing heavily] 780 00:44:24,140 --> 00:44:25,850 The theater awaits. 781 00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:39,170 -Are you all right? -No. [whimpers] 782 00:44:40,300 --> 00:44:42,300 -This isn't. -What? 783 00:44:43,550 --> 00:44:45,840 Better than nothing. 784 00:44:45,930 --> 00:44:47,140 [sighs] 785 00:44:47,930 --> 00:44:51,470 -[thunder rumbling] -[rain pattering] 786 00:44:59,140 --> 00:45:02,180 [Lemony] There are many, many things that are better than nothing. 787 00:45:02,260 --> 00:45:04,630 A home-cooked meal is better than nothing. 788 00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:09,510 A roof over one's head is better than nothing. 789 00:45:11,340 --> 00:45:12,550 And a place to sleep, 790 00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:15,810 even if the bed is very small and the blanket damp with tears, 791 00:45:15,890 --> 00:45:17,310 is better than nothing. 792 00:45:30,840 --> 00:45:33,840 But being raised in a violent and sinister environment 793 00:45:33,930 --> 00:45:38,020 by a man more interested in one's fortune than comfort and well-being 794 00:45:38,090 --> 00:45:39,760 is not better than nothing. 795 00:45:39,840 --> 00:45:41,510 And as the Baudelaires would discover, 796 00:45:41,590 --> 00:45:45,210 there are some things that even a long night of introspection 797 00:45:45,300 --> 00:45:46,590 cannot change. 798 00:46:13,890 --> 00:46:16,270 [Lemony] The Baudelaire orphans knew they had to find a way 799 00:46:16,340 --> 00:46:18,840 out of their dreadfully unfortunate circumstances, 800 00:46:18,930 --> 00:46:22,930 and, perhaps, solve the mystery of how they ended up in them. 801 00:46:26,840 --> 00:46:29,880 I have the same dedication to researching and presenting this story 802 00:46:29,970 --> 00:46:32,020 no matter what dangers it puts me in. 803 00:46:32,090 --> 00:46:35,630 Trouble and strife can cover this world like the dark of night, 804 00:46:35,720 --> 00:46:38,350 or like smoke from a suspicious fire. 805 00:46:38,430 --> 00:46:40,100 And when that happens... 806 00:46:40,180 --> 00:46:42,520 [voices whispering indistinctly] 807 00:46:43,760 --> 00:46:45,460 [footsteps passing] 808 00:46:55,300 --> 00:46:59,010 ...all good, true and decent people know that it's time to volunteer. 809 00:47:05,510 --> 00:47:08,670 -I'm worried about the children. -Me, too. 810 00:47:08,760 --> 00:47:10,380 They're in danger, I know it. 811 00:47:10,470 --> 00:47:12,140 We need to get to them. 812 00:47:12,220 --> 00:47:14,430 We need to get out of here first. 813 00:47:14,510 --> 00:47:18,090 [sighs] What's that thing Einstein said? 814 00:47:34,550 --> 00:47:36,630 [instrumental theme music plays]