1 00:00:00,167 --> 00:00:06,085 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA www.PSArips.com 2 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:13,800 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 3 00:00:14,470 --> 00:00:18,100 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 4 00:00:18,180 --> 00:00:21,850 ♪ This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day ♪ 5 00:00:21,930 --> 00:00:24,640 ♪ Every single episode Is nothing but dismay ♪ 6 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:30,720 ♪ So look away Look away, look away ♪ 7 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,800 ♪ Three children lose their home And go to live with someone awful ♪ 8 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:37,630 ♪ He tries to steal their fortune With a plot that's not quite lawful ♪ 9 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,720 ♪ It's hard to fathom how the orphans Managed to live through it ♪ 10 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:45,210 ♪ Or how a decent person like yourself Would even want to view it ♪ 11 00:00:45,300 --> 00:00:49,800 ♪ Just look away, look away ♪ 12 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:53,550 ♪ There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way ♪ 13 00:00:53,630 --> 00:00:56,630 ♪ Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say ♪ 14 00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:01,430 ♪ Look away, look away, look away ♪ 15 00:01:01,510 --> 00:01:05,310 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 16 00:01:05,380 --> 00:01:08,840 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 17 00:01:08,930 --> 00:01:12,430 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 18 00:01:20,220 --> 00:01:22,140 [Mr. Poe coughing] 19 00:01:45,510 --> 00:01:48,970 Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please? 20 00:01:51,590 --> 00:01:53,800 Hello, my name is Lemony Snicket, 21 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:56,880 and I'm sorry to say that the alleged entertainment you are watching 22 00:01:56,970 --> 00:01:58,680 is extremely unpleasant. 23 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:04,100 Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please? 24 00:02:04,180 --> 00:02:07,390 From the beginning of this miserable tale to the last melancholy scene, 25 00:02:07,470 --> 00:02:10,680 I cannot think of a single line, a single word, 26 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:13,310 that does not chill me to my deepest bones. 27 00:02:14,930 --> 00:02:17,850 Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please? 28 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:24,000 However, the sad history of the Baudelaire orphans 29 00:02:24,090 --> 00:02:28,210 did not begin in the private, somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe 30 00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:30,460 at Mulctuary Money Management. 31 00:02:32,340 --> 00:02:35,550 Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please? 32 00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:38,130 [coughing] 33 00:02:39,010 --> 00:02:40,930 [seagull calling] 34 00:02:41,010 --> 00:02:44,430 Nor does their story begin on this gray and cloudy morning at Briny Beach, 35 00:02:44,510 --> 00:02:46,760 where the Baudelaire children, Violet, Klaus and Sunny, 36 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,550 received terrible news. 37 00:02:48,630 --> 00:02:52,000 Your parents have perished in a terrible fire. 38 00:02:52,090 --> 00:02:55,130 In fact, the tale of the Baudelaire orphans begins long before the fire 39 00:02:55,220 --> 00:02:58,720 which left the children with practically nothing to their names. 40 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:03,090 Their story begins before their brief and unpleasant stay with the Poe family. 41 00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:05,680 It begins before the children meet Justice Strauss, 42 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,600 a nice lady who, unfortunately, is not their guardian. 43 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:12,350 And before the Baudelaire orphans were placed under the care of a terrible actor 44 00:03:12,430 --> 00:03:14,680 with a mysterious tattoo of an eye on his ankle, 45 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,470 who made the Baudelaires sleep in an awful room, 46 00:03:17,550 --> 00:03:21,000 do a series of difficult and irritating chores, 47 00:03:21,090 --> 00:03:25,710 and cook dinner for his disreputable and largely untalented theater troupe, 48 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:29,420 resulting in an act of violence that ought not to be shown on-screen. 49 00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:31,810 -[grunts] -[all gasp] 50 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:33,000 "Why?" you may ask. 51 00:03:33,090 --> 00:03:36,550 Why did the Baudelaire orphans suffer through this series of unfortunate events? 52 00:03:36,630 --> 00:03:39,500 How did the resourceful and intelligent children 53 00:03:39,590 --> 00:03:44,210 of kindly and attentive parents end up in the care of Count Olaf? 54 00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,810 That answer, at least, can be found shortly after the fire 55 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,960 that claimed the Baudelaire home. 56 00:03:51,050 --> 00:03:52,800 [horn honking] 57 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,710 Inside the private, somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe 58 00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,880 at Mulctuary Money Management. 59 00:04:03,130 --> 00:04:06,250 Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please? 60 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,060 [coughing] 61 00:04:13,470 --> 00:04:16,060 Do you know what the question I'm asked most is? 62 00:04:16,130 --> 00:04:17,380 "Will you please leave the premises?" 63 00:04:18,340 --> 00:04:19,630 "Why do I do it?" 64 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,810 "Count Olaf," they ask me, "why are you an actor? 65 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:26,420 Why not a model, or a millionaire playboy? 66 00:04:26,510 --> 00:04:33,220 Why respond to the siren song that the Spanish call 'El Theater'?" 67 00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:34,710 -For fame and fortune? -No. 68 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:35,800 For standing ovation? 69 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:37,340 -No. -For the costumes! 70 00:04:37,430 --> 00:04:41,560 [chuckles lightly] Where are the costumes? 71 00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:49,000 [yelling] Nobody brought the costumes? 72 00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:00,880 Stay in the car. 73 00:05:00,970 --> 00:05:02,350 Can we listen to the radio? 74 00:05:02,430 --> 00:05:03,510 No. 75 00:05:23,550 --> 00:05:26,340 Well, we've got to reach them. Try Peru. 76 00:05:26,430 --> 00:05:28,760 Well, keep trying. Yes, it's an emergency. 77 00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:31,460 I'm keeping an eye on things best I can, but... 78 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:34,960 Let me call you back. 79 00:05:35,930 --> 00:05:37,010 [sighs] 80 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:40,600 -[elderly voice] I have an appointment. -Name? 81 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:42,010 [inhales sharply] 82 00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:47,380 Haircut. 83 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:54,170 -Haircut? -Yes... sica Haircut is my name. 84 00:05:54,260 --> 00:05:55,600 Yessica Haircut? 85 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:59,180 Yes. Yessica. 86 00:06:01,550 --> 00:06:05,210 [Mr. Poe on speaker] Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please? 87 00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:27,260 There are many police inspectors, 88 00:06:27,340 --> 00:06:29,630 concerned citizens and television executives 89 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,260 who have expressed confusion 90 00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:35,460 as to how the Baudelaire orphans ended up in Count Olaf's so-called care. 91 00:06:35,550 --> 00:06:37,880 The scene you see behind me is called a flashback. 92 00:06:37,970 --> 00:06:39,140 That is a word which here means 93 00:06:39,220 --> 00:06:41,970 "taken place during the events of the last episode, 94 00:06:42,050 --> 00:06:43,960 shortly after the Baudelaire fire 95 00:06:44,050 --> 00:06:47,800 and during the Baudelaire children's unfortunate stay with the Poe family." 96 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:51,710 I present it to you now in the hopes that the police inspectors, 97 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,960 concerned citizens and television executives 98 00:06:54,050 --> 00:06:56,000 might finally leave me alone. 99 00:06:57,760 --> 00:06:59,180 Hello, banker man. 100 00:07:00,010 --> 00:07:02,430 The Baudelaire fire is precisely why I'm here. 101 00:07:02,510 --> 00:07:04,760 -File, not fire. -I said file. 102 00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:06,630 Allow me to introduce myself, 103 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:09,470 because, as you can see from my mole, we've never met before. 104 00:07:09,550 --> 00:07:12,340 As you can see from my coat, hat and ascot, 105 00:07:12,430 --> 00:07:13,680 I'm here on business. 106 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:15,930 And as you can see from my sunglasses... 107 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:17,840 it's bright out. 108 00:07:19,050 --> 00:07:21,380 I'm here to consult with you on the Baudelaire will, 109 00:07:21,470 --> 00:07:23,680 for which I understand you are the executioner. 110 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:24,810 Executor. 111 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:29,210 Person who controls people's fortunes after a terrible fire has just happened. 112 00:07:29,970 --> 00:07:30,970 My name... 113 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:41,560 [elderly voice] ...is Yessica Haircut. 114 00:07:42,050 --> 00:07:43,210 That's strange. 115 00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:45,800 I have an appointment for a haircut right now. 116 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:48,960 Jacquelyn, please cancel that haircut. 117 00:07:49,050 --> 00:07:50,380 Mr. Poe, there's an urgent matter-- 118 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:53,560 No, no. I wanna hear what this man Haircut has to say. 119 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:14,310 I'd like to make a withdrawal. 120 00:08:15,180 --> 00:08:16,510 Well, I don't know, Mr.-- 121 00:08:16,590 --> 00:08:17,920 -Count... -Count? 122 00:08:19,130 --> 00:08:24,090 ...on me to tell you my name, which is Mr... 123 00:08:24,180 --> 00:08:25,970 [elderly voice] Yessica Haircut. 124 00:08:26,050 --> 00:08:30,090 Well, Mr. Haircut, the Baudelaire will states very clearly what is to happen 125 00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:32,890 in the event of the untimely deaths of Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire. 126 00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:35,430 They are to be raised by their closest living relative, 127 00:08:35,510 --> 00:08:38,350 who appears to be a renowned scientist by the name of-- 128 00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:41,720 It is one thing to listen to science, Mr. Banker Man. 129 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:43,340 -Poe. -It is another 130 00:08:43,430 --> 00:08:45,810 to listen to the advice of a consultant. 131 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:50,920 And in my important actual consulting expertise business, 132 00:08:51,010 --> 00:08:54,140 the phrase "closest living relative" can mean only one thing... 133 00:08:55,050 --> 00:08:56,300 "whoever lives nearby." 134 00:08:56,380 --> 00:08:58,670 Really? You think so? 135 00:09:00,930 --> 00:09:02,760 I would stake my fortune on it. 136 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:05,750 Or my name's not whatever it is I told you it was. 137 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:07,800 Well, in that case, we're going to need a map of the city. 138 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:13,880 I think the person nearest to the Baudelaires is renowned actor 139 00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:16,850 and handsome man, Count Olaf. 140 00:09:16,930 --> 00:09:17,970 Count... 141 00:09:18,970 --> 00:09:20,060 Never heard of him. 142 00:09:20,130 --> 00:09:21,420 [sighs] 143 00:09:21,510 --> 00:09:24,640 He's been favorably mentioned in theatrical reviews 144 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:26,560 in several small magazines. 145 00:09:26,630 --> 00:09:29,630 [stammers] His name is pronounced... 146 00:09:30,510 --> 00:09:32,060 Count Olaf. 147 00:09:32,130 --> 00:09:36,130 And if I'm not mistaken, he lives right... 148 00:09:37,430 --> 00:09:38,680 right here. 149 00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:40,460 Is that really the closest? 150 00:09:40,550 --> 00:09:42,380 Yes, absolutely, for sure. 151 00:09:43,260 --> 00:09:46,100 Jacquelyn, can you please bring in a very large ruler? 152 00:09:52,260 --> 00:09:53,510 Jacquelyn? 153 00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,180 Guess I'll get it myself. 154 00:10:05,630 --> 00:10:08,340 These events at Mulctuary Money Management 155 00:10:08,430 --> 00:10:11,430 resulted in unfortunate events far and near, 156 00:10:11,510 --> 00:10:13,680 from a woman trapped in a remote park... 157 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,760 You'll never get away with this. 158 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:17,840 I already did get away with it. 159 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,970 ...to three orphans in horrifying circumstances, 160 00:10:23,050 --> 00:10:24,710 as our story resumes. 161 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:27,840 Put some elbow grease into it! 162 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:32,800 [sighs] Mr. Poe must have made a horrible mistake when he took us here. 163 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,210 There's no way our parents would want us in Count Olaf's care, 164 00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:36,460 if we can even call it that. 165 00:10:36,550 --> 00:10:39,750 As soon as Count Olaf's back is turned, we need to leave this house. 166 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,300 I'd rather take my chances on the streets than stay here any longer. 167 00:10:42,380 --> 00:10:44,210 Who knows what would happen to us on the street? 168 00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:46,000 At least here we have a roof over our head. 169 00:10:46,090 --> 00:10:48,050 [sighs] I wish our parents' money could be used now, 170 00:10:48,130 --> 00:10:49,170 instead of when you come of age. 171 00:10:49,260 --> 00:10:50,350 [Violet sighs] 172 00:10:50,430 --> 00:10:53,140 Then we could buy a castle and live in it 173 00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:56,470 with armed guards patrolling outside to keep out Count Olaf and his troupe. 174 00:10:56,550 --> 00:10:59,590 -With a large inventing studio. -[chuckles] And a library. 175 00:11:01,340 --> 00:11:04,210 Hurry up, orphans. There's reupholstering to be done. 176 00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:06,340 Justice Strauss said her home was always open to us. 177 00:11:06,430 --> 00:11:09,220 She said her legal library was always open to us. 178 00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:10,420 It's not the same thing. 179 00:11:10,510 --> 00:11:13,430 Mr. Poe did say we could contact him if we had any questions. 180 00:11:13,510 --> 00:11:15,850 We don't really have a question. We have a complaint. 181 00:11:16,590 --> 00:11:19,590 Can I warm that up for you? And also give you some very bad news? 182 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,260 -What is it? -It's that secretary-- 183 00:11:21,340 --> 00:11:24,380 Shh! Not here. 184 00:11:31,380 --> 00:11:32,920 [bell dings] 185 00:11:33,010 --> 00:11:34,640 [Mr. Poe coughing] 186 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:43,390 An emergency? 187 00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:45,430 [sighs] Very well, but I'm quite busy. 188 00:11:45,510 --> 00:11:47,930 My old secretary, a distinguished professional 189 00:11:48,010 --> 00:11:50,680 who showed up without fail for many years, has vanished. 190 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:53,560 I've hired an underemployed artist with no prior experience 191 00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:56,420 who needs the occasional day off for auditions and performances. 192 00:11:56,510 --> 00:12:00,060 Plus, I've already had to reschedule a haircut several times. 193 00:12:00,130 --> 00:12:01,170 What can I do for you? 194 00:12:01,260 --> 00:12:03,930 Count Olaf is a madman. We can't stay with him. 195 00:12:04,010 --> 00:12:06,640 He struck Klaus across the face. See his bruise? 196 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:10,100 -[phone ringing] -Oh, excuse me. Poe here. 197 00:12:11,090 --> 00:12:12,750 Yes. 198 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:14,630 Yes. 199 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,260 Yes. 200 00:12:16,340 --> 00:12:17,800 Yes. 201 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,250 Yes. 202 00:12:19,340 --> 00:12:21,130 Absolutely not. 203 00:12:21,220 --> 00:12:22,310 Thank you. 204 00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,560 I'm sorry. What were we talking about? 205 00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:26,550 Oh, yes, Count Olaf. 206 00:12:26,630 --> 00:12:29,170 I'm sorry you don't have a good first impression of him. 207 00:12:29,260 --> 00:12:31,260 He only provided us with one bed. 208 00:12:31,340 --> 00:12:33,800 He makes us do a great many difficult chores. 209 00:12:35,590 --> 00:12:36,800 [phone ringing] 210 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,500 Excuse me. Poe here. 211 00:12:40,340 --> 00:12:41,920 Seven. 212 00:12:42,010 --> 00:12:43,600 Seven. 213 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,310 Seven. 214 00:12:45,380 --> 00:12:46,750 Seven. 215 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,800 Anything but seven. 216 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:49,960 You're welcome. 217 00:12:51,090 --> 00:12:53,670 Children, everyone, at some time in their life, 218 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:54,970 wishes they were being raised 219 00:12:55,050 --> 00:12:57,130 by people different than the ones who were raising you. 220 00:12:57,220 --> 00:12:58,260 When I was a little boy, 221 00:12:58,340 --> 00:13:01,250 I would have given my eyeteeth to be raised by an actor. 222 00:13:01,340 --> 00:13:03,050 He calls us orphans. 223 00:13:03,130 --> 00:13:04,300 You are orphans. 224 00:13:04,380 --> 00:13:05,670 He has terrible friends. 225 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,560 I have terrible friends. 226 00:13:10,970 --> 00:13:13,390 Speaking of not understanding a word someone is saying! 227 00:13:13,470 --> 00:13:15,010 [coughing] 228 00:13:17,340 --> 00:13:20,420 Baudelaires, are you familiar with the term "in loco parentis"? 229 00:13:20,510 --> 00:13:21,850 It sounds like Latin. 230 00:13:21,930 --> 00:13:23,680 Latin and legal. 231 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:28,060 "In loco parentis" means "acting in the role of a parent." 232 00:13:28,130 --> 00:13:30,630 It is a legal term and it applies to Count Olaf. 233 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:33,220 The actor is acting as your parent. 234 00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:34,550 And as your legal guardian, 235 00:13:34,630 --> 00:13:37,420 Count Olaf may raise you using any method he sees fit. 236 00:13:37,510 --> 00:13:40,560 So I'm sorry if your parents didn't make you do household chores, 237 00:13:40,630 --> 00:13:43,710 or if you like their friends more than you like Count Olaf's friends. 238 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,880 But there are certain things you must get used to. 239 00:13:45,970 --> 00:13:49,470 Now, I'm sorry if I have to usher you out posthaste, 240 00:13:49,550 --> 00:13:51,130 but I've got work to do. 241 00:13:51,220 --> 00:13:52,510 "Posthaste" means "very, very--" 242 00:13:52,590 --> 00:13:54,170 It means he'll do nothing to help us. 243 00:13:54,260 --> 00:13:57,100 Oh, on the contrary, I'll have my new secretary give you a ride home 244 00:13:57,180 --> 00:13:58,930 as soon as he's finished typing up that report. 245 00:14:02,970 --> 00:14:04,680 I think we need to call the IT guy. 246 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,350 That man works for Count Olaf. 247 00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:08,760 He did say Count Olaf was one of his professional contacts. 248 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:10,460 It was good seeing you, Baudelaires. 249 00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:12,460 We're not going back to Count Olaf's house! 250 00:14:12,550 --> 00:14:13,920 Look at Klaus' face! 251 00:14:14,010 --> 00:14:16,810 Oh, no, no, no, orphans. 252 00:14:18,550 --> 00:14:20,340 Look at mine. 253 00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:23,840 Shall I let them off the hook? 254 00:14:25,510 --> 00:14:26,600 [hooks release] 255 00:14:36,550 --> 00:14:39,380 I spent all morning making these cupcakes for you. 256 00:14:39,470 --> 00:14:40,890 [Klaus and Violet] Thank you. 257 00:14:40,970 --> 00:14:43,470 Aren't raspberries delicious? 258 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,920 They were my favorite berry when I was your age. 259 00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:47,560 But we're all different ages. 260 00:14:50,930 --> 00:14:52,180 [grunts] 261 00:14:57,630 --> 00:14:59,630 I want to talk to you about something. 262 00:15:00,590 --> 00:15:04,550 I recently received a call from Mr. Poe. 263 00:15:04,630 --> 00:15:06,210 Is that so? 264 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,340 I'm sorry Mr. Poe bothered you. 265 00:15:08,430 --> 00:15:10,720 [chuckles] I'm glad he did, 266 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:14,500 because I want you three children to feel more at home here, 267 00:15:14,590 --> 00:15:16,050 now that I am your father. 268 00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:21,140 As you know, I have been working hard with my theater troupe, 269 00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:25,390 and I'm afraid I may have acted a bit standoffish. 270 00:15:25,470 --> 00:15:27,760 The word "standoffish" is a wonderful one, 271 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:31,340 but it does not describe Count Olaf's behavior toward the children. 272 00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:33,760 "Standoffish" refers to a person 273 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:36,500 who, for various reasons, is not associating with others. 274 00:15:36,590 --> 00:15:39,880 It is a word which might describe somebody who, during a party, 275 00:15:39,970 --> 00:15:43,140 might stand in a corner instead of talking to another person. 276 00:15:44,090 --> 00:15:45,840 [panting] 277 00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:48,460 [grunts softly] 278 00:15:54,550 --> 00:15:56,170 [dialing] 279 00:15:58,510 --> 00:15:59,810 [panting] 280 00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:04,050 Gustav? Jacquelyn here. [sighs] 281 00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,710 It would not describe somebody 282 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,960 who provides one bed for three people to sleep in, 283 00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:11,420 forces them to do horrible chores and strikes them across the face. 284 00:16:11,510 --> 00:16:12,510 Therefore... 285 00:16:12,590 --> 00:16:14,340 There are many words for people like that. 286 00:16:14,430 --> 00:16:17,060 ...to make you feel a little more at home here... 287 00:16:17,130 --> 00:16:19,090 But "standoffish" isn't one of them. 288 00:16:19,180 --> 00:16:22,640 ...I want you to participate in my next play. 289 00:16:23,260 --> 00:16:25,260 Participate how? 290 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,550 [chuckles] I'm... [choking] 291 00:16:30,470 --> 00:16:32,350 -[coughs] -[object clatters] 292 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:37,000 The play is called The Marvelous Marriage, 293 00:16:37,090 --> 00:16:39,710 and is by the great playwright Al Funcoot. 294 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,800 We will give only one performance, this Friday night. 295 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:47,550 It tells the story of a very handsome and good-looking man, played by me. 296 00:16:47,630 --> 00:16:51,250 You, Klaus, and you, Sunny, will play two cheering people in the crowd. 297 00:16:51,340 --> 00:16:54,420 But we're shorter than most adults. Won't that look strange to the audience? 298 00:16:54,510 --> 00:16:55,720 You'll be playing two midgets. 299 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,460 And what will I do? Build the sets? 300 00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:00,340 [scoffing chuckle] 301 00:17:01,380 --> 00:17:05,170 Build the sets? Oh, heavens, no. 302 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,050 My sister is very good with tools. 303 00:17:08,130 --> 00:17:11,840 A pretty girl like you shouldn't be working backstage. 304 00:17:12,550 --> 00:17:13,750 But I'd like to. 305 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,840 [sighs] Sunny, Sunny, Sunny... 306 00:17:16,930 --> 00:17:18,180 Violet? 307 00:17:18,260 --> 00:17:20,510 Violet, Violet, Violet. 308 00:17:20,590 --> 00:17:24,340 You will be playing the young woman I marry. 309 00:17:24,430 --> 00:17:26,470 It's a very important role 310 00:17:26,550 --> 00:17:29,840 although you only have one line, and I think you know what it is. 311 00:17:29,930 --> 00:17:31,140 I don't. 312 00:17:31,220 --> 00:17:33,890 No, no, no. It's "I do." 313 00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:36,350 [sighs] Count Olaf... 314 00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:37,810 What did you call me? 315 00:17:40,180 --> 00:17:41,260 Father... 316 00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:42,550 [chuckles] 317 00:17:43,180 --> 00:17:46,260 I'm not sure I'm talented enough to perform professionally. 318 00:17:46,340 --> 00:17:49,670 I'd hate to disgrace your good name and the name of Al Funcoot. 319 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,180 Plus, I'll be very busy the next few weeks working on my inventions. 320 00:17:53,260 --> 00:17:56,220 And learning how to prepare roast beef. 321 00:17:58,380 --> 00:18:01,340 You will participate in my theatrical performance! 322 00:18:01,430 --> 00:18:03,720 I would prefer it if you participate voluntarily, 323 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,170 but as I believe Mr. Poe has explained to you, 324 00:18:06,260 --> 00:18:09,310 I can act loco parentheses. 325 00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:10,460 In loco parentis. 326 00:18:11,010 --> 00:18:12,390 Poco De Laurentiis. 327 00:18:12,470 --> 00:18:14,260 In loco parentis. 328 00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:19,350 The point is, I can order you to participate, 329 00:18:19,430 --> 00:18:22,930 and you must obey. 330 00:18:29,180 --> 00:18:31,720 [muffled] Now go talk to the woman in the wig. 331 00:18:32,470 --> 00:18:35,390 I can't stand looking at you anymore. 332 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,010 You think he was trying to poison us with those raspberries? 333 00:18:47,090 --> 00:18:48,090 He ate them all. 334 00:18:48,180 --> 00:18:50,470 Besides, Count Olaf is after the fortune we will inherit. 335 00:18:50,550 --> 00:18:52,210 Killing us will do him no good. 336 00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:55,090 What good would it do to be in a performance of The Marvelous Marriage? 337 00:18:55,180 --> 00:18:56,510 [doorbell rings] 338 00:19:00,510 --> 00:19:02,560 Marriage is like sharing a root beer float, 339 00:19:02,630 --> 00:19:04,880 or agreeing to be the back half of a horse costume. 340 00:19:04,970 --> 00:19:06,970 Even when it's happening onstage, 341 00:19:07,050 --> 00:19:09,300 you should only do it with the people you love. 342 00:19:10,260 --> 00:19:11,640 I have never been married myself. 343 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:15,350 I once desperately loved a remarkably brave and bravely remarkable woman, 344 00:19:15,430 --> 00:19:17,850 who, when I asked her if she would be my wife, 345 00:19:17,930 --> 00:19:20,930 found, for complicated and unfathomable reasons, 346 00:19:21,010 --> 00:19:22,640 she could give me no answer. 347 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,010 No answer. 348 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:33,600 [gasps] Baudelaires! I'm so happy to see you. 349 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:36,060 Are you here to continue your research? 350 00:19:36,130 --> 00:19:38,670 Actually, Justice Strauss, we're here to research something else. 351 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,060 Do you have any books on the theater? 352 00:19:42,010 --> 00:19:44,470 Ah, the theater. 353 00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:48,050 I see you're settling in to having an actor for a guardian. 354 00:19:48,130 --> 00:19:50,170 I have quite the interest in theater, you know. 355 00:19:50,260 --> 00:19:53,310 Learning lines and curtseying for the audience 356 00:19:53,380 --> 00:19:56,000 and wearing costumes. 357 00:19:56,090 --> 00:19:59,630 I would give up every last wig just to wear a costume. 358 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,600 Justice Strauss, do you have anything on local ordinances? 359 00:20:03,090 --> 00:20:06,590 Ah, local ordinances. 360 00:20:07,130 --> 00:20:09,300 Wait, are you sure? 361 00:20:09,380 --> 00:20:12,710 Even I don't like reading such books, and I work at the High Court. 362 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:17,130 I'm actually considering a career in law. I find those books quite fascinating. 363 00:20:17,220 --> 00:20:19,220 Well, to each his own. 364 00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:21,170 There are countless types of books in this world, 365 00:20:21,260 --> 00:20:24,350 which makes good sense because there are countless types of people. 366 00:20:24,930 --> 00:20:28,640 Sunny, would you like to come with me into the garden 367 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:32,350 while your siblings tackle all this reading? 368 00:20:32,430 --> 00:20:35,100 Klaus, what's happened to your face? 369 00:20:38,430 --> 00:20:40,140 We're trying to find out. 370 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,220 Well, I do have a section on rashes. 371 00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:45,960 It's right next to Chinese cars. 372 00:20:54,380 --> 00:20:55,550 [hatch opens] 373 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,430 Isn't it beautiful, boss? 374 00:20:59,260 --> 00:21:01,760 No, no, no, it should be delicate! Fetching! 375 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,380 And a chiffon train rippling down like... like-- 376 00:21:04,470 --> 00:21:06,350 -Like a waterfall. -Like an open wound. 377 00:21:06,430 --> 00:21:07,470 Exactly. 378 00:21:07,550 --> 00:21:08,590 [hatch closes] 379 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:15,760 ♪ Here comes Count Olaf A bit of a show off ♪ 380 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,250 -What? -Nothing else rhymes with Count Olaf. 381 00:21:18,340 --> 00:21:21,210 There are plenty of things that rhyme with Count Olaf. 382 00:21:25,010 --> 00:21:26,930 -Hmm. -Uh... 383 00:21:27,010 --> 00:21:29,220 -Hmm... -Hmm... 384 00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:30,590 Rice pilaf! 385 00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:32,630 Got it. 386 00:21:38,050 --> 00:21:40,500 [henchperson] I just think, even in changing context, 387 00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:43,960 that marriage is an inherently patriarchal construction 388 00:21:44,050 --> 00:21:47,380 that is likely to further the hegemonic juggernaut 389 00:21:47,470 --> 00:21:49,470 that's problematizing, uh... 390 00:21:49,550 --> 00:21:52,090 Hmm, "nuclear. 391 00:21:52,180 --> 00:21:53,390 Nudism. 392 00:21:53,470 --> 00:21:54,680 Nugget. 393 00:21:55,590 --> 00:21:56,750 Nuptial." 394 00:21:57,840 --> 00:21:59,750 Uh-oh, gotta go. 395 00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:04,060 ...on the planet and... 396 00:22:04,130 --> 00:22:05,670 Are you leaving? 397 00:22:06,340 --> 00:22:07,170 Justice Strauss? 398 00:22:07,260 --> 00:22:08,680 Yes? 399 00:22:09,470 --> 00:22:10,930 May I ask you something? 400 00:22:11,010 --> 00:22:12,560 Certainly. 401 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,100 Oh, there we go, sweet girl. 402 00:22:16,180 --> 00:22:17,600 Good. 403 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:20,680 Yes, as one legal scholar to another? 404 00:22:21,630 --> 00:22:23,250 "The only nuptial requirements are 405 00:22:23,340 --> 00:22:26,340 a statement of active acquiescence by both participants, 406 00:22:26,430 --> 00:22:28,850 utilizing in loco parentis if necessary, 407 00:22:28,930 --> 00:22:32,350 and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand." 408 00:22:32,970 --> 00:22:34,390 Does that mean what I think it means? 409 00:22:34,470 --> 00:22:38,220 Well, I suppose it depends upon what you think it means. 410 00:22:38,300 --> 00:22:41,460 It means you're going to be a star. 411 00:22:43,260 --> 00:22:44,430 Count Olaf! 412 00:22:44,510 --> 00:22:47,010 Please, call me your guardian actor. 413 00:22:47,090 --> 00:22:52,750 Justice Strauss, you are about to find your drab, legal beagle existence 414 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:56,590 transformed into something mind-blowing, and yet extremely classy, 415 00:22:56,680 --> 00:23:00,010 when you become the exciting new face 416 00:23:00,090 --> 00:23:03,090 of the next Count Olaf production. 417 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,180 [stammers] You mean... 418 00:23:05,260 --> 00:23:10,010 You have got the star quality necessary for a small walk-on role 419 00:23:10,090 --> 00:23:12,380 -in Al Funcoot's new play. -[gasps] 420 00:23:13,090 --> 00:23:15,420 I've wanted to be an actress since I was young. 421 00:23:15,510 --> 00:23:18,430 Although, my drama teacher told me my chances were slim 422 00:23:18,510 --> 00:23:22,010 because of my posture, and so I went into the law, but now-- 423 00:23:22,090 --> 00:23:24,050 Now, you can see it. 424 00:23:24,130 --> 00:23:26,250 -The curtain rises. -Curtain? 425 00:23:26,340 --> 00:23:28,590 -The audience applauds. -Audience! 426 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:32,890 And you walk onto stage, dressed as a judge. 427 00:23:32,970 --> 00:23:35,470 -[whispering] A judge! -It's a very important part, 428 00:23:35,550 --> 00:23:37,000 although you won't be listed in the program. 429 00:23:37,590 --> 00:23:41,420 You will stand in front of a very handsome man, played by me... 430 00:23:41,510 --> 00:23:44,720 I get to share the stage with Count Olaf? 431 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:45,880 [chuckles] 432 00:23:46,510 --> 00:23:51,180 ...while a stunningly-costumed bride, played by Violet, stands beside me. 433 00:23:51,260 --> 00:23:52,600 You are so lucky, Violet. 434 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:55,310 All my life I wanted to be a bride, 435 00:23:55,380 --> 00:23:58,920 but it seems all the men I meet are intimidated by my law degree, 436 00:23:59,010 --> 00:24:01,310 or obsessed with model trains. 437 00:24:02,380 --> 00:24:04,000 A gorgeous... 438 00:24:05,130 --> 00:24:07,960 bridal dress of my own design... 439 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,800 while you perform the entire wedding ceremony, 440 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,550 getting each and every word exactly right, 441 00:24:14,630 --> 00:24:15,920 while we sign a document 442 00:24:16,010 --> 00:24:18,510 which you shall bring from city hall for added realism. 443 00:24:18,590 --> 00:24:20,590 Justice Strauss, he's up to something. 444 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:25,760 What I am up to is making Justice Strauss' dreams come true. 445 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,050 Oh. 446 00:24:27,130 --> 00:24:30,380 You will suddenly find yourself in the enviable position 447 00:24:30,470 --> 00:24:33,600 of being a struggling actress in middle age. 448 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,470 It's almost too good to be true. 449 00:24:35,550 --> 00:24:37,920 It is. Justice Strauss, Count Olaf is-- 450 00:24:38,010 --> 00:24:41,350 Count Olaf is welcoming you into his life 451 00:24:41,430 --> 00:24:44,720 by making you an important part of this theatrical enterprise. 452 00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:48,090 Children, go. Go home. 453 00:24:49,010 --> 00:24:51,640 Spend some time with your new father. 454 00:24:52,590 --> 00:24:53,880 [Olaf hisses] 455 00:24:59,930 --> 00:25:01,180 Carpe diem! 456 00:25:01,260 --> 00:25:02,560 Seize the children! 457 00:25:02,630 --> 00:25:04,420 -Seize the day. -I said day. 458 00:25:08,590 --> 00:25:09,670 [hook-handed man] Boss, 459 00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:12,260 I have three kinds of butter cream icing here for you to sample. 460 00:25:12,340 --> 00:25:16,130 One's vanilla, one has a hint of nutmeg and the other's a little lemony. 461 00:25:16,220 --> 00:25:17,850 I told you never to say that word. 462 00:25:19,010 --> 00:25:21,140 -[grunting] -[Olaf] Take these orphans 463 00:25:21,220 --> 00:25:23,680 upstairs to their bedroom until Friday. 464 00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:25,220 I have no use for them until then. 465 00:25:25,300 --> 00:25:27,380 -Uh, except to cook dinner. -We'll order takeout. 466 00:25:27,470 --> 00:25:30,260 We're gonna find out just what you're up to, Count Olaf. 467 00:25:30,340 --> 00:25:32,340 We know you're just trying to steal our parents' fortune. 468 00:25:32,430 --> 00:25:33,430 We're gonna prove it. 469 00:25:33,510 --> 00:25:34,720 Let me eat cake. 470 00:25:38,630 --> 00:25:39,750 Nice. 471 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:41,890 Mmm. 472 00:25:43,090 --> 00:25:44,210 Oh, my! 473 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:46,670 [all grunting] 474 00:25:48,090 --> 00:25:50,130 Get into your pajamas and say your prayers, 475 00:25:50,220 --> 00:25:51,310 unless you're atheists. 476 00:25:51,380 --> 00:25:52,460 You can't just keep us in here. 477 00:25:52,550 --> 00:25:55,210 You know who always says that? Prisoners. 478 00:25:55,300 --> 00:25:56,420 Listen to us. Count Olaf is-- 479 00:25:56,510 --> 00:25:58,220 No, no, no, no. You listen to me, little boy, 480 00:25:58,300 --> 00:25:59,750 and you listen very carefully. 481 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:03,000 The only reason why Count Olaf hasn't torn you limb from limb 482 00:26:03,090 --> 00:26:04,880 is because he hasn't gotten a hold of your fortune. 483 00:26:04,970 --> 00:26:07,810 But you ask yourself this question, all of you: 484 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:12,130 What reason would he have to keep you alive after he's got your money? 485 00:26:12,220 --> 00:26:15,310 What do you think will happen to you then? [chuckles softly] 486 00:26:23,380 --> 00:26:26,130 -This is terrible, terrible. -Awful. 487 00:26:27,300 --> 00:26:28,380 What's gonna happen? 488 00:26:28,470 --> 00:26:31,140 I don't know. But I know what I'm gonna do. 489 00:26:31,220 --> 00:26:33,310 I'm gonna stay up all night with a book. 490 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:38,250 [Lemony] Klaus was not reading for his own enjoyment, 491 00:26:38,340 --> 00:26:41,340 but to try to rescue his siblings from a terrible predicament. 492 00:26:41,970 --> 00:26:45,640 The book was not at all interesting. The book was long and difficult. 493 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:48,640 He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. 494 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,720 He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. 495 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:56,840 By night's end, Klaus had found out all he needed to know. 496 00:26:57,590 --> 00:26:59,960 His hopes rose with the dawn. 497 00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:05,550 Although, unfortunately... 498 00:27:06,470 --> 00:27:07,850 [slurping] 499 00:27:07,930 --> 00:27:09,890 ...so did Count Olaf. 500 00:27:15,180 --> 00:27:17,890 What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in your room. 501 00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:21,100 I was in my room all night, and I know what you're up to. 502 00:27:21,180 --> 00:27:23,600 Me? I'm just having my morning coffee, 503 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:25,890 although I can't seem to find the sugar bowl. 504 00:27:26,630 --> 00:27:28,050 "The only nuptial requirements are 505 00:27:28,130 --> 00:27:30,550 a statement of active acquiescence by both participants, 506 00:27:30,630 --> 00:27:33,000 utilizing in loco parentis if necessary, 507 00:27:33,090 --> 00:27:36,710 and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand." 508 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:38,630 Let me give you a piece of advice. 509 00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:41,350 If you use fancy-pants words first thing in the morning, 510 00:27:41,430 --> 00:27:43,350 you're going to end up a very lonely man. 511 00:27:43,430 --> 00:27:45,430 I figured out your scheme. 512 00:27:45,510 --> 00:27:47,310 You're not going to marry Violet figuratively. 513 00:27:47,380 --> 00:27:48,590 You're going to marry her literally. 514 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,260 Literally? 515 00:27:50,340 --> 00:27:53,000 That's outrageous. I... Wait. 516 00:27:53,090 --> 00:27:54,750 Literally? Literally. 517 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,300 [sighs] You don't know the difference 518 00:27:56,380 --> 00:27:58,340 between figuratively and literally, do you? 519 00:27:59,300 --> 00:28:00,920 Uh... [sighs] 520 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:05,930 It is very useful, whether one is young or in late middle age, 521 00:28:06,010 --> 00:28:09,350 to know the difference between literally and figuratively. 522 00:28:09,430 --> 00:28:13,220 "Literally" is a word which here means that something is actually happening, 523 00:28:13,300 --> 00:28:14,670 whereas "figuratively" is a word 524 00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:17,010 which means it just feels like it's happening. 525 00:28:17,470 --> 00:28:20,100 If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, 526 00:28:20,180 --> 00:28:23,640 that means that you are leaping through the air because you are very happy. 527 00:28:24,430 --> 00:28:27,640 I'm leaping in the air because I'm very happy. 528 00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:29,560 If you are figuratively jumping for joy, 529 00:28:29,630 --> 00:28:32,130 it means that you are so happy you could jump for joy, 530 00:28:32,220 --> 00:28:34,720 but are saving your energy for other matters. 531 00:28:36,470 --> 00:28:38,100 I'm so happy I could jump for joy, 532 00:28:38,180 --> 00:28:40,010 but I'm saving my energy for other matters. 533 00:28:40,590 --> 00:28:43,670 So literally would be an actual marriage, whereas figuratively 534 00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,430 would be marrying her for the purposes of theatrical entertainment. 535 00:28:46,510 --> 00:28:48,680 I knew that. I was testing you. 536 00:28:49,680 --> 00:28:52,180 If my sister says "I do" and signs a piece of paper 537 00:28:52,260 --> 00:28:54,430 while Justice Strauss is in the room, she's legally married. 538 00:28:54,510 --> 00:28:57,430 This play won't be pretend. It'll be real and legally binding. 539 00:28:57,510 --> 00:29:01,390 I wouldn't marry your sister if she were the last orphan on earth. 540 00:29:01,470 --> 00:29:05,470 A man like me can acquire any number of beautiful women 541 00:29:05,550 --> 00:29:07,670 who don't complain about doing their chores. 542 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:08,850 What's in it for me? 543 00:29:08,930 --> 00:29:10,180 [sighs] 544 00:29:10,260 --> 00:29:14,760 "A legal husband has titular and practical control over any relevant fiduciaries, 545 00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:18,170 resulting in aggregate financial dominion over any spousal holdings." 546 00:29:18,260 --> 00:29:21,640 I don't think a boy your age ought to be using the word "titular." [snickers] 547 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:23,220 If you became Violet's husband, 548 00:29:23,300 --> 00:29:25,670 you'd gain complete control over the Baudelaire fortune. But... 549 00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:29,220 "A prospective spouse must be chronologically sound and appropriate 550 00:29:29,300 --> 00:29:32,920 in regards to the age of consent according to prevailing community standards." 551 00:29:34,050 --> 00:29:37,300 My sister isn't old enough to get married, even if she wanted to. 552 00:29:37,380 --> 00:29:38,590 [scoffs] 553 00:29:40,300 --> 00:29:42,340 Tell me, bookworm... 554 00:29:43,300 --> 00:29:47,210 can you name me a language that was spoken by ancient Romans 555 00:29:47,300 --> 00:29:50,090 and is still spoken by very irritating people today? 556 00:29:50,180 --> 00:29:52,850 -Latin. -That's right. 557 00:29:52,930 --> 00:29:58,060 And can you translate the Latin phrase "in loco parentis"? 558 00:29:58,130 --> 00:29:59,710 "Acting in the role of parent." 559 00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:01,170 That's right. 560 00:30:01,260 --> 00:30:02,640 And that's me. 561 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:06,560 You see, Violet can get married if she has the permission 562 00:30:06,630 --> 00:30:08,210 of her legal guardian. 563 00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:10,010 And she does. 564 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:11,810 In fact... 565 00:30:12,340 --> 00:30:14,300 she has more than permission. 566 00:30:15,340 --> 00:30:18,500 She has enthusiasm. 567 00:30:19,340 --> 00:30:20,420 [chuckles] 568 00:30:20,510 --> 00:30:24,470 All the enthusiasm in the world won't get us to participate in your horrible plot! 569 00:30:26,220 --> 00:30:27,350 Mr. Poe will hear about this. 570 00:30:27,430 --> 00:30:29,260 Your play will not be performed, and you will go to jail! 571 00:30:31,590 --> 00:30:33,920 [troupe] ♪ Here comes Count Olaf ♪ 572 00:30:34,010 --> 00:30:37,140 ♪ Throw the rice pilaf ♪ 573 00:30:37,220 --> 00:30:38,220 Excuse me. 574 00:30:38,300 --> 00:30:39,880 Sorry to interrupt, everyone, 575 00:30:39,970 --> 00:30:42,560 but that brave and clever boy with the horrible glasses 576 00:30:42,630 --> 00:30:44,920 has just figured out our dastardly plan. 577 00:30:45,010 --> 00:30:46,310 -[all gasp] -Yes. 578 00:30:46,380 --> 00:30:48,550 Thanks to his stupendous library book, 579 00:30:48,630 --> 00:30:52,130 the orphans have achieved a grand victory over our evil ways. 580 00:30:52,220 --> 00:30:53,390 -Oh, no. -Whatever will we do? 581 00:30:53,470 --> 00:30:56,010 -I guess we will go to jail. -For a very long time. 582 00:30:56,090 --> 00:30:58,750 I guess that proves reading really is fundamental. 583 00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:00,090 [Olaf] Violet, 584 00:31:00,180 --> 00:31:04,310 do you think your booky little brother is very brave and clever? 585 00:31:04,380 --> 00:31:05,880 His work speaks for itself. 586 00:31:05,970 --> 00:31:07,560 Count Olaf wants to marry you for real, 587 00:31:07,630 --> 00:31:10,170 while you and Justice Strauss and everyone else thinks it's just a play. 588 00:31:10,260 --> 00:31:11,930 But I'm not old enough to get married. 589 00:31:12,010 --> 00:31:14,310 You can with the permission of your legal guardian. 590 00:31:14,380 --> 00:31:15,840 In loco parentis. 591 00:31:15,930 --> 00:31:18,560 We have to get Sunny and get out of this wretched place. 592 00:31:23,550 --> 00:31:25,130 -Sunny. Wake up. -Sunny. 593 00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:28,760 -Where is she? -[Olaf] Where is she indeed? 594 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:31,000 It certainly is so strange to find a child missing, 595 00:31:31,090 --> 00:31:33,340 and one so small, so helpless. 596 00:31:33,430 --> 00:31:34,640 When did you see her last? 597 00:31:36,050 --> 00:31:37,250 What have you done with Sunny? 598 00:31:37,340 --> 00:31:40,880 Here, Sunny, Sunny. Where are you, girl? 599 00:31:42,590 --> 00:31:43,670 Did you hear that? 600 00:31:44,590 --> 00:31:46,300 It came from outside. 601 00:31:53,970 --> 00:31:54,890 Sunny? 602 00:31:56,970 --> 00:31:58,930 [Olaf] Oh, you're not looking in the right place. 603 00:31:59,010 --> 00:32:02,810 For children who read so much, you two are remarkably unintelligent. 604 00:32:03,470 --> 00:32:06,010 -She's not here. -[Olaf chuckles softly] 605 00:32:07,010 --> 00:32:09,720 Oh, don't look so down. 606 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:13,050 I'd say things are looking up, up... 607 00:32:13,130 --> 00:32:14,340 up. 608 00:32:22,630 --> 00:32:23,710 [Klaus] Oh, no. 609 00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:26,170 -Let her go. She's done nothing to you. -She's an infant. 610 00:32:26,260 --> 00:32:27,930 Well, if you really want me to let her go, I will. 611 00:32:28,010 --> 00:32:30,850 But even a stupid brat like you might realize that if I let her go, 612 00:32:30,930 --> 00:32:33,060 or more accurately, if I have my comrade let her go... 613 00:32:33,130 --> 00:32:34,300 Hi. 614 00:32:34,380 --> 00:32:36,380 Sunny might not survive the fall to the ground. 615 00:32:36,470 --> 00:32:37,850 That's a 30-foot tower, 616 00:32:37,930 --> 00:32:40,390 which is a very long way for a very small person to fall, 617 00:32:40,470 --> 00:32:42,850 even when she's inside a cage. But if you insist. 618 00:32:42,930 --> 00:32:44,850 -No, don't! -Please, she's just a baby. 619 00:32:44,930 --> 00:32:47,430 We'll do anything, anything. Just don't harm her. 620 00:32:47,510 --> 00:32:49,310 [mockingly] Anything? Anything? 621 00:32:49,380 --> 00:32:52,960 Would you, for instance, consider marrying me 622 00:32:53,050 --> 00:32:54,750 during tomorrow night's performance? 623 00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:56,750 I would never, ever marry you. 624 00:32:57,380 --> 00:32:58,750 Hmm. 625 00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:00,170 Children... 626 00:33:00,260 --> 00:33:04,310 your sister is like a stick behind a stubborn mule. 627 00:33:04,380 --> 00:33:05,840 My sister's not a stick. 628 00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:08,300 [Olaf chuckles] 629 00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:12,350 Any animal owner will tell you 630 00:33:12,430 --> 00:33:15,390 that a stubborn mule will move toward the carrot 631 00:33:15,470 --> 00:33:17,970 because it wants the reward of food... 632 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:20,220 and away from the stick 633 00:33:20,300 --> 00:33:25,050 because it wants to avoid the punishment of rump pain. 634 00:33:25,130 --> 00:33:27,960 Likewise, you will do what I say, 635 00:33:28,050 --> 00:33:30,380 to avoid the punishment of the loss of your sister. 636 00:33:30,470 --> 00:33:34,310 And because you want the reward of a charming husband. 637 00:33:36,630 --> 00:33:38,130 Come now. 638 00:33:38,220 --> 00:33:40,390 Would it be so terrible to be my bride, 639 00:33:40,470 --> 00:33:43,430 to live in my house for the rest of your life? 640 00:33:44,090 --> 00:33:45,920 You're such a lovely girl. 641 00:33:46,840 --> 00:33:50,710 After the wedding, I wouldn't dispose of you like your brother and sister. 642 00:33:52,010 --> 00:33:54,640 [sighs] If you let Sunny go... 643 00:33:57,050 --> 00:33:59,090 -I will marry you. -Hmm. 644 00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:01,470 [all] Mazel tov. 645 00:34:03,630 --> 00:34:06,880 I will let Sunny go after tomorrow night's performance. 646 00:34:06,970 --> 00:34:10,310 Until then, she will remain in the tower room for safekeeping. 647 00:34:10,380 --> 00:34:12,800 -That is all. -You're a terrible man. 648 00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,000 [Olaf] I may be a terrible man, but I have concocted 649 00:34:15,090 --> 00:34:17,590 a foolproof way of getting your fortune. 650 00:34:17,680 --> 00:34:18,850 What have you done? 651 00:35:01,050 --> 00:35:02,960 I wish I had an inventor here. 652 00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:05,630 I was thinking the same thing. 653 00:35:08,300 --> 00:35:09,800 -Gustav. -Jacquelyn. 654 00:35:12,260 --> 00:35:14,060 -You came. -You sent for me. 655 00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:17,430 Things are disastrous. Everything's gone wrong. 656 00:35:17,510 --> 00:35:18,970 I thought so. [sighs] 657 00:35:19,050 --> 00:35:22,130 Dr. Montgomery and I were expecting the Baudelaire children days ago. 658 00:35:22,220 --> 00:35:23,930 Dr. Montgomery's supposed to be their new guardian. 659 00:35:24,010 --> 00:35:26,560 That's what the Baudelaire parents wanted, in case of fire. 660 00:35:26,630 --> 00:35:28,460 What went wrong? Why haven't we seen them? 661 00:35:28,550 --> 00:35:30,920 Mr. Poe listened to the advice of a consultant. 662 00:35:31,510 --> 00:35:35,010 A consultant? Dear God. Why would anyone listen to a consultant? 663 00:35:35,090 --> 00:35:38,670 I'll give you a hint. His name rhymes with rice pilaf. 664 00:35:39,840 --> 00:35:42,050 Are you free Friday night to attend the theater? 665 00:35:42,130 --> 00:35:43,880 We might be able to get things back on track 666 00:35:43,970 --> 00:35:45,560 without calling attention to ourselves. 667 00:35:45,630 --> 00:35:48,250 Of course. But what shall we do until then? 668 00:35:48,930 --> 00:35:50,310 Could you cut these ropes for me? 669 00:35:54,550 --> 00:35:56,300 The children must be so frightened. 670 00:35:56,970 --> 00:35:58,470 We're all frightened, Gustav. 671 00:35:59,340 --> 00:36:01,550 Sunny must be so frightened. 672 00:36:01,630 --> 00:36:04,550 We're all frightened, Klaus. You should get some sleep. 673 00:36:04,630 --> 00:36:07,050 -But you're dismantling my bed. -Use Sunny's. 674 00:36:07,130 --> 00:36:09,800 You stayed up all last night trying to find out Count Olaf's plot. 675 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:11,090 It's my turn. 676 00:36:14,050 --> 00:36:15,420 [Klaus] I didn't help us. 677 00:36:16,930 --> 00:36:19,640 Yes, you did. You just didn't finish the job. 678 00:36:20,550 --> 00:36:25,960 [sighs] Remember when our parents first brought Sunny home? 679 00:36:26,930 --> 00:36:28,850 She bit the doorknob off the nursery. 680 00:36:30,510 --> 00:36:31,760 Mother and Father... 681 00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:35,710 they made me promise to always look after you two 682 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:38,550 and make sure you don't get into any trouble. 683 00:36:39,630 --> 00:36:41,340 Let me keep my promise. 684 00:37:02,470 --> 00:37:05,640 Having a brilliant idea isn't as easy as turning on a light. 685 00:37:07,180 --> 00:37:10,810 But just as a single bulb can illuminate even the most depressing of rooms, 686 00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:14,250 the right idea can shed light on a depressing situation. 687 00:37:41,590 --> 00:37:43,090 As inventing workshops go, 688 00:37:43,180 --> 00:37:46,220 Count Olaf's bathroom was small and dimly lit. 689 00:37:46,300 --> 00:37:50,000 But the inventing area in Violet's mind was large and bright... 690 00:37:50,590 --> 00:37:53,340 and inside of it was everything she needed. 691 00:38:00,130 --> 00:38:01,170 [chuckles softly] 692 00:38:08,220 --> 00:38:10,560 [white-faced woman 1] Oh, Olaf, that is perfect. 693 00:38:10,630 --> 00:38:12,960 It's so wonderful that, in addition to your many talents, 694 00:38:13,050 --> 00:38:14,840 you have a marvelous eye for fashion. 695 00:38:14,930 --> 00:38:16,760 -Without being a sissy. -Without being a sissy. 696 00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:18,590 -[clattering] -What was that? 697 00:38:19,430 --> 00:38:20,930 I think what's-his-name is shaving. 698 00:38:21,010 --> 00:38:24,260 Right. Tell me if this is too much. Baby's breath. 699 00:38:24,340 --> 00:38:25,960 I thought you were marrying the older one. 700 00:38:26,050 --> 00:38:27,590 [stammers] No. 701 00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,100 No, sprigs of baby's breath in Violet's hair. 702 00:38:30,180 --> 00:38:31,560 [both] Oh! 703 00:38:31,630 --> 00:38:32,880 [sighs] 704 00:38:41,760 --> 00:38:43,100 [grunts] 705 00:38:44,090 --> 00:38:45,420 [sighs] 706 00:39:07,510 --> 00:39:08,850 [chuckles] 707 00:39:11,010 --> 00:39:12,470 [breathes deeply] 708 00:39:12,550 --> 00:39:15,630 "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious." 709 00:39:18,510 --> 00:39:19,930 [whirring] 710 00:39:26,470 --> 00:39:29,010 "It is the source of all true art and science." 711 00:39:44,510 --> 00:39:46,310 [chuckles deviously] 712 00:39:48,380 --> 00:39:49,460 [sighs] 713 00:39:49,550 --> 00:39:52,170 How pleasant that you could join us. 714 00:39:52,260 --> 00:39:53,760 [grunts] 715 00:39:56,300 --> 00:39:57,380 What are you gonna do with me? 716 00:39:57,470 --> 00:39:59,430 -I said have a seat. -No, you didn't. 717 00:40:00,590 --> 00:40:01,960 [yells] 718 00:40:05,340 --> 00:40:06,550 [sighs] 719 00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:14,960 [sighs] 720 00:40:16,340 --> 00:40:17,880 [walkie-talkie beeps] 721 00:40:17,970 --> 00:40:19,720 -[Olaf] Hello? -Boss, it's me. 722 00:40:19,800 --> 00:40:21,000 Who? Be specific. 723 00:40:21,090 --> 00:40:22,920 Me. Your henchman with the-- 724 00:40:23,010 --> 00:40:24,970 -Hand problem? What do you want? -Yeah. 725 00:40:25,050 --> 00:40:28,550 Your blushing bride just climbed up here to try and rescue the biting brat. 726 00:40:28,630 --> 00:40:30,300 -Well, how'd she do that? -Oh, I don't know. 727 00:40:30,380 --> 00:40:33,170 -Well, take a guess. -Um... Well, some sort of, uh-- 728 00:40:33,260 --> 00:40:35,100 -Some sort of what? -Uh, ropey thing. 729 00:40:35,180 --> 00:40:37,470 -It was a grappling hook. -She says it was a grappling hook. 730 00:40:37,550 --> 00:40:39,250 -Where'd she get a grappling hook? -I don't know, boss. 731 00:40:39,340 --> 00:40:40,460 -She's mine. -No, yes, boss, of course 732 00:40:40,550 --> 00:40:41,670 I understand she's yours. 733 00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:43,260 -Stay there. I'll be right up. -Uh... okay. 734 00:40:43,340 --> 00:40:44,750 -Goodbye. -Over and out. 735 00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:46,920 -Over? What is that supposed to mean? -"Over and out"? 736 00:40:47,010 --> 00:40:48,430 Oh, um... [chuckles] 737 00:40:48,510 --> 00:40:50,760 -I mean. I think it's-- -It's what? 738 00:40:50,840 --> 00:40:53,130 -It's kind of an... a, uh... -Kind of an a what? 739 00:40:53,220 --> 00:40:55,810 -Walkie-talkie slang for goodbye. -Say that. 740 00:40:55,880 --> 00:40:57,170 I'm sorry. Okay, fine. Yeah. 741 00:40:57,260 --> 00:41:00,060 -Well, for God... See you soon. -Okay. Goodbye. 742 00:41:01,630 --> 00:41:03,550 Count Olaf is very displeased with his bride. 743 00:41:03,630 --> 00:41:04,880 I'm not his bride. 744 00:41:04,970 --> 00:41:06,890 Oh, very soon you will be. 745 00:41:08,130 --> 00:41:11,550 Which means that I will soon be your henchperson-in-law. 746 00:41:12,470 --> 00:41:14,430 -[inhales deeply] -[hatch opens] 747 00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:17,010 [Olaf grunts] 748 00:41:17,630 --> 00:41:20,840 You know, some people say that the hardest job in the world 749 00:41:20,930 --> 00:41:22,310 is raising a child. 750 00:41:22,380 --> 00:41:26,170 But it is nothing compared to conceiving, writing, directing, producing 751 00:41:26,260 --> 00:41:28,850 and performing in a theatrical presentation 752 00:41:28,930 --> 00:41:31,680 for the purposes of stealing their dead parents' fortune. 753 00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:33,510 It's a very difficult job, 754 00:41:33,590 --> 00:41:36,380 and I will not have any orphans mucking it up. 755 00:41:36,470 --> 00:41:37,850 You'll never touch our fortune. 756 00:41:40,340 --> 00:41:41,250 Klaus... 757 00:41:42,380 --> 00:41:44,050 I'll touch whatever I want. 758 00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:47,350 [scoffing chuckle] 759 00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:02,350 [Olaf chuckles] 760 00:42:02,430 --> 00:42:05,760 When the sand runs out in the... 761 00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:07,340 um... 762 00:42:07,430 --> 00:42:09,100 whatchamacallit... 763 00:42:09,180 --> 00:42:11,970 your sister will be married to me. 764 00:42:13,300 --> 00:42:15,090 What happened? Why are we up here? 765 00:42:15,180 --> 00:42:17,930 Tried to rescue Sunny using an invention of mine to climb up the tower. 766 00:42:18,010 --> 00:42:19,260 It's so high. You must have been terrified. 767 00:42:19,340 --> 00:42:21,300 It's not as scary as the thought of marrying Count Olaf. 768 00:42:21,380 --> 00:42:22,710 I'm sorry it didn't work. 769 00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:25,090 The invention worked fine. I just got caught. 770 00:42:25,180 --> 00:42:26,760 We've got to rescue Sunny and get out of here 771 00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:28,300 before the sand runs out of the hourglass. 772 00:42:32,720 --> 00:42:35,890 I didn't realize the sand went so quickly. I bought it online. 773 00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:39,720 You're gonna need to flip it a couple of times, like, okay? 774 00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:41,300 And don't touch the baby! 775 00:42:41,970 --> 00:42:44,510 -It's gonna be okay, Sunny. -Just hang in there. 776 00:42:46,180 --> 00:42:48,310 It's okay. He didn't mean it as a joke. 777 00:42:48,380 --> 00:42:51,050 Do you think you could invent something to help us escape? 778 00:42:52,220 --> 00:42:53,510 [Violet sighs] Maybe. 779 00:42:54,470 --> 00:42:57,430 Do you think you could research a way to get us out of the wedding? 780 00:42:57,510 --> 00:42:58,560 Maybe. 781 00:43:04,260 --> 00:43:07,680 I am certain that over the course of your own life, 782 00:43:07,760 --> 00:43:09,560 you have noticed that certain rooms 783 00:43:09,630 --> 00:43:12,590 reflect the personalities of the occupants. 784 00:43:14,380 --> 00:43:15,630 For instance... 785 00:43:16,340 --> 00:43:18,800 in my own lonely room, I have... 786 00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:21,460 gathered a collection of things which are important to me, 787 00:43:21,550 --> 00:43:23,840 including all of my notes on the Baudelaire orphans, 788 00:43:23,930 --> 00:43:26,970 a few crucial objects that I have gathered in my travels 789 00:43:27,050 --> 00:43:28,210 and... 790 00:43:31,050 --> 00:43:32,750 a blurry photograph... 791 00:43:33,550 --> 00:43:37,000 taken a long time ago, of a woman named Beatrice, 792 00:43:37,090 --> 00:43:40,920 which I look at from time to time while writing this account 793 00:43:41,010 --> 00:43:43,720 from across what was once a prominent theater, 794 00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:46,130 no more able to help the Baudelaires 795 00:43:46,220 --> 00:43:49,430 than the objects they found in Count Olaf's tower room. 796 00:44:00,180 --> 00:44:02,390 If we had kerosene, we could make Molotov cocktails 797 00:44:02,470 --> 00:44:04,060 with those old wine bottles. 798 00:44:04,130 --> 00:44:05,750 -What are Molotov cocktails? -They're small bombs. 799 00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:08,250 If we throw them out the window, we could attract attention. 800 00:44:08,340 --> 00:44:09,670 But we don't have any kerosene. 801 00:44:09,760 --> 00:44:12,470 If you don't say "I do" and you don't sign the document with your own hand, 802 00:44:12,550 --> 00:44:14,670 then you won't be legally married. 803 00:44:14,760 --> 00:44:16,510 But then Olaf will drop Sunny off the tower. 804 00:44:16,590 --> 00:44:17,880 Certainly would. 805 00:44:17,970 --> 00:44:20,890 Come, orphans. It's time for the big event. 806 00:44:20,970 --> 00:44:22,970 -My associate here... -[grunts] 807 00:44:23,050 --> 00:44:24,630 Hello, good to see you again. 808 00:44:24,720 --> 00:44:27,310 ...will stay with your sister and we will be in constant contact 809 00:44:27,380 --> 00:44:29,920 with the use of these walkie-talkies. 810 00:44:30,010 --> 00:44:32,720 If anything goes wrong during tonight's performance, 811 00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:35,340 your sister will be dropped to her death. Shall we? 812 00:44:36,550 --> 00:44:39,300 -[sighs] We'll be back soon, Sunny. -Don't worry. 813 00:44:43,220 --> 00:44:44,760 [sighs] Come on. 814 00:44:46,300 --> 00:44:48,250 [breathing heavily] 815 00:44:52,510 --> 00:44:55,760 Count Olaf, Eleanora Poe, from the Daily Punctilio. 816 00:44:55,840 --> 00:44:58,550 Taking the role of a handsome man is certainly a brave choice. 817 00:44:58,630 --> 00:44:59,630 Is it a stretch for you? 818 00:44:59,720 --> 00:45:02,970 Well, as an actor, I think live theater is a much more powerful medium 819 00:45:03,050 --> 00:45:04,380 than, say, streaming television. 820 00:45:04,470 --> 00:45:06,640 And how do you respond to rumors that this whole production 821 00:45:06,720 --> 00:45:09,180 -is nothing more than an evil plot? -Evil plot? 822 00:45:09,260 --> 00:45:11,890 The only evil plot going on is the one you'll see on stage. 823 00:45:11,970 --> 00:45:13,430 [bald man] Take your seats. 824 00:45:13,510 --> 00:45:15,180 -All right, curtain 8:00 p.m. -Check. 825 00:45:15,260 --> 00:45:16,810 -Intermission, 9:15. -Check. 826 00:45:16,880 --> 00:45:19,630 Act two, 9:30, unless concession sales are strong. 827 00:45:19,720 --> 00:45:21,600 -Check. -The wedding will be around 10:00 p.m., 828 00:45:21,680 --> 00:45:25,430 followed by champagne toasts, reception with cake and finger food, 829 00:45:25,510 --> 00:45:27,060 then the after-party at the Mexican place. 830 00:45:27,130 --> 00:45:28,170 Check. 831 00:45:30,090 --> 00:45:33,050 I'm just glad the Baudelaires are adjusting to their new life. 832 00:45:33,130 --> 00:45:34,710 I had my doubts about Count Olaf, 833 00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:37,710 but now that I see he's putting three young children in the theater, 834 00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:40,300 all my anxieties are put to rest. 835 00:45:43,550 --> 00:45:45,840 You two will stay right here until the wedding scene. 836 00:45:45,930 --> 00:45:48,510 Any sort of funny business, and it's curtains for your baby sister. 837 00:45:48,590 --> 00:45:51,550 You see, "curtains" means that your sister will be dropped out of the window, 838 00:45:51,630 --> 00:45:54,000 but it's also a sort of play on theatrical curtains. 839 00:45:54,090 --> 00:45:55,500 [henchperson] One minute to curtain. 840 00:45:55,590 --> 00:45:57,960 -You look great. -Don't distract me with idle chatter. 841 00:45:58,050 --> 00:45:59,300 I'm trying to get into character. 842 00:45:59,380 --> 00:46:01,960 Now, Justice Whatever, sit here until the wedding scene. 843 00:46:02,050 --> 00:46:06,090 Remember, you must use the exact same wording you use in an actual wedding. 844 00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:07,720 Get it absolutely right. 845 00:46:07,800 --> 00:46:11,250 There's talent scouts in the audience looking for new actresses about your age. 846 00:46:11,340 --> 00:46:13,750 [gasps] Talent scouts! Oh, my! 847 00:46:14,630 --> 00:46:16,050 [exhaling] 848 00:46:17,130 --> 00:46:18,800 Justice Strauss, may we speak to you? 849 00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:22,590 Don't distract me with idle chatter. I am trying to get into character. 850 00:46:22,680 --> 00:46:24,010 [grunting] 851 00:46:24,090 --> 00:46:27,210 Change of plans. Sit here. Don't distract her. 852 00:46:28,010 --> 00:46:30,140 -[Strauss grunts] -Your better side. 853 00:46:30,220 --> 00:46:33,060 Rubber baby, baby, baby. Rubber baby... [vocalizing] 854 00:46:33,130 --> 00:46:35,090 Rubber baby, baby... 855 00:46:35,180 --> 00:46:36,970 [blows raspberry] Rubber baby, baby, baby. 856 00:46:37,050 --> 00:46:39,000 -[clearing throat] -Rubber baby, baby, baby. 857 00:46:39,090 --> 00:46:41,130 -Rubber baby, baby, baby. -Showtime. 858 00:46:41,220 --> 00:46:42,760 -All right, all right. -All right, all right. 859 00:46:42,840 --> 00:46:44,590 -Rubber bubber... Baby bubber. -Rubber bubber... 860 00:46:44,680 --> 00:46:46,010 [folk music playing] 861 00:46:56,970 --> 00:46:58,510 [audience applauding] 862 00:47:06,220 --> 00:47:10,310 Here I am, literally standing at the edge of a pond. 863 00:47:10,380 --> 00:47:12,460 He's not literally standing at the edge of a pond. 864 00:47:12,550 --> 00:47:15,210 He's figuratively standing at the edge of a pond. 865 00:47:15,300 --> 00:47:19,590 What is a very handsome man like me to do about it... 866 00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:22,930 except perform a lengthy soliloquy? 867 00:47:23,430 --> 00:47:24,260 [clears throat] 868 00:47:28,930 --> 00:47:30,260 [sighs] 869 00:47:32,050 --> 00:47:33,710 Don't suppose you know how to play poker. 870 00:47:41,430 --> 00:47:42,640 [sighs] 871 00:47:43,630 --> 00:47:44,710 Would you like to deal? 872 00:47:46,800 --> 00:47:49,420 Please, lady pharaohs, 873 00:47:49,510 --> 00:47:52,600 I am very handsome, but I am only one man. 874 00:47:53,970 --> 00:47:58,180 By the waters of the Nile, this very handsome man shall be mine. 875 00:47:59,380 --> 00:48:02,590 By the shape of the pyramids, I'll kill you if I can't have him. 876 00:48:02,680 --> 00:48:04,260 [both women] He's so handsome. 877 00:48:09,680 --> 00:48:12,640 Okay, if I win this hand, you give me a backrub, 878 00:48:12,720 --> 00:48:14,680 but if you win again, I'll put tape on my mouth. 879 00:48:16,550 --> 00:48:17,960 [grunting] 880 00:48:26,470 --> 00:48:27,640 [sighs] 881 00:48:43,880 --> 00:48:45,590 Please, Duchess. 882 00:48:45,680 --> 00:48:48,600 I am very handsome, but I am only one man. 883 00:48:49,260 --> 00:48:53,180 By the turrets of Gravelstein, this very handsome man shall be mine. 884 00:48:53,260 --> 00:48:54,680 By the Gardens of Worthington, 885 00:48:54,760 --> 00:48:57,180 if I can't have him, my heart will literally break. 886 00:48:57,260 --> 00:49:00,560 Figuratively. "My heart will figuratively break." 887 00:49:00,630 --> 00:49:03,460 Why, what handsome adventures I have had, 888 00:49:03,550 --> 00:49:06,630 only to end up at this same pond on this... 889 00:49:07,300 --> 00:49:08,710 my wedding day! 890 00:49:10,090 --> 00:49:12,000 [wedding march playing] 891 00:49:36,010 --> 00:49:37,260 [Olaf mutters] 892 00:49:43,260 --> 00:49:44,680 [music stops abruptly] 893 00:49:47,590 --> 00:49:49,340 [man coughs] 894 00:49:50,260 --> 00:49:51,720 [whispers] Say your line. 895 00:49:56,630 --> 00:49:58,590 [woman coughs] 896 00:49:59,800 --> 00:50:01,590 Do you... 897 00:50:01,680 --> 00:50:07,010 take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? 898 00:50:07,970 --> 00:50:09,350 [Olaf sighs] 899 00:50:15,050 --> 00:50:16,670 I do. 900 00:50:17,760 --> 00:50:18,930 [man shushing] 901 00:50:20,300 --> 00:50:23,750 -Do you take this woman-- -Man. 902 00:50:23,840 --> 00:50:27,170 Man. Do you take this man... 903 00:50:27,260 --> 00:50:30,720 to be your lawfully wedded husband? 904 00:50:54,380 --> 00:50:56,670 -I do. -[Olaf chuckles softly] 905 00:50:56,760 --> 00:51:01,430 By the powers vested in me by going to law school, 906 00:51:01,510 --> 00:51:05,470 I now pronounce you Count and Countess. 907 00:51:05,550 --> 00:51:06,670 [white-faced women] Mazel tov. 908 00:51:06,760 --> 00:51:08,390 [Jewish folk music playing] 909 00:51:13,760 --> 00:51:14,850 Okay. 910 00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:22,220 [laughs deviously] 911 00:51:24,050 --> 00:51:25,300 [music stops abruptly] 912 00:51:25,970 --> 00:51:29,140 Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to make an announcement. 913 00:51:29,220 --> 00:51:32,760 There is no need to continue with tonight's performance. 914 00:51:36,260 --> 00:51:37,390 [coughs] 915 00:51:38,220 --> 00:51:42,180 For its purpose has been served. 916 00:51:42,260 --> 00:51:45,180 This has not been a scene of fiction. 917 00:51:45,260 --> 00:51:48,510 My marriage to Violet Baudelaire is perfectly legal, 918 00:51:48,590 --> 00:51:51,630 and I am now in control of her entire fortune. 919 00:51:51,720 --> 00:51:52,720 [audience gasping] 920 00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:54,630 That can't be true! 921 00:51:54,720 --> 00:51:56,760 On the contrary, Judgikins, 922 00:51:56,840 --> 00:52:00,550 the law of the land clearly states that the bride must say "I do" 923 00:52:00,630 --> 00:52:04,000 and sign the appropriate document in her own hand. 924 00:52:04,090 --> 00:52:07,670 And all of you, ladies and gentlemen, are witnesses. 925 00:52:07,760 --> 00:52:10,390 Violet is only a child. She's not old enough to marry. 926 00:52:10,470 --> 00:52:12,430 She is if her legal guardian allows it. 927 00:52:12,510 --> 00:52:15,640 And in addition to being her husband, I am also her legal guardian. 928 00:52:15,720 --> 00:52:18,560 But that piece of paper's not an official document. 929 00:52:18,630 --> 00:52:20,670 It's... it's just a stage prop. 930 00:52:20,760 --> 00:52:22,260 If you look closely enough, 931 00:52:22,340 --> 00:52:25,000 I think you'll see that it is figuratively real. 932 00:52:25,090 --> 00:52:27,090 -Literally. -I said literally. 933 00:52:28,510 --> 00:52:31,180 I'm afraid this marriage is entirely binding. 934 00:52:31,260 --> 00:52:32,560 Violet... 935 00:52:32,630 --> 00:52:36,590 you said "I do" and signed this paper in your own hand. 936 00:52:37,550 --> 00:52:40,210 Count Olaf, you are now Violet's legal husband. 937 00:52:40,880 --> 00:52:41,920 And? 938 00:52:42,010 --> 00:52:45,760 And a vile and terrible person. 939 00:52:45,840 --> 00:52:47,630 A vile and terrible person 940 00:52:47,720 --> 00:52:52,430 who is in complete control of the Baudelaires' entire fortune. 941 00:52:52,510 --> 00:52:54,720 This is absolutely horrendous. I won't allow it! 942 00:52:54,800 --> 00:52:56,500 I'm afraid there's nothing you can do. 943 00:52:56,590 --> 00:52:58,840 Count Olaf is correct. 944 00:52:59,970 --> 00:53:02,100 This marriage is legally binding. 945 00:53:02,180 --> 00:53:06,310 -[chuckles deviously] -I am so sorry, Baudelaires. 946 00:53:06,380 --> 00:53:08,920 I can't believe how easily I was tricked. 947 00:53:09,010 --> 00:53:10,850 You were easily tricked! 948 00:53:10,930 --> 00:53:13,720 It was child's play, winning this fortune. 949 00:53:13,800 --> 00:53:18,050 And now, a reception to celebrate my special day. Hit it! 950 00:53:18,130 --> 00:53:19,420 [folk music playing] 951 00:53:20,470 --> 00:53:22,640 Oh, thank you. 952 00:53:25,840 --> 00:53:27,250 -Stop. -[music stops abruptly] 953 00:53:27,340 --> 00:53:28,420 First, let Sunny go. 954 00:53:28,510 --> 00:53:29,680 Where is Sunny? 955 00:53:29,760 --> 00:53:32,560 I'm afraid she's tied up at the moment, 956 00:53:32,630 --> 00:53:34,880 if you'll forgive my little joke. [chuckles] 957 00:53:35,180 --> 00:53:36,010 [sputters] 958 00:53:37,630 --> 00:53:40,630 See, it's a little play on words. "All tied up" is a figurative-- 959 00:53:40,720 --> 00:53:42,310 You promised to let her go! 960 00:53:42,380 --> 00:53:46,500 Oh, and what kind of husband would I be if I didn't keep my promises? 961 00:53:48,180 --> 00:53:50,430 Drop the pip-squeak to her death. 962 00:53:50,510 --> 00:53:51,560 [gasps] No. 963 00:53:51,630 --> 00:53:53,050 [clattering] 964 00:53:53,130 --> 00:53:54,630 [Sunny babbling] 965 00:53:56,800 --> 00:53:59,340 -[screams] -You idiot! What are you doing? 966 00:53:59,430 --> 00:54:01,600 Well, I had to bring her here. She had a straight flush. 967 00:54:01,680 --> 00:54:02,760 [sighs] 968 00:54:02,840 --> 00:54:06,050 So, you escaped, you little dishrag. 969 00:54:06,130 --> 00:54:09,750 Well, I'm still married to Violet, and I will dispense with you 970 00:54:09,840 --> 00:54:11,500 on our honeymoon. 971 00:54:12,180 --> 00:54:15,180 [chuckles deviously] Care to dance, Countess? 972 00:54:16,340 --> 00:54:17,380 [Jacquelyn breathes deeply] 973 00:54:17,470 --> 00:54:20,220 I'm not a Countess. At least I don't think I am. 974 00:54:20,300 --> 00:54:22,960 -Wait. -And why not, pray tell? 975 00:54:23,050 --> 00:54:25,550 I didn't sign the document in my own hand, as the law states. 976 00:54:25,630 --> 00:54:28,340 Don't lie to me, orphan. Everyone saw you. 977 00:54:28,430 --> 00:54:33,060 Yes, there were several hundred witnesses, not to mention those on the mezzanine. 978 00:54:33,130 --> 00:54:34,460 But I'm right-handed, 979 00:54:34,550 --> 00:54:36,460 and I signed the document with my left hand. 980 00:54:37,260 --> 00:54:39,100 [scoffs] Well, that doesn't count. 981 00:54:39,180 --> 00:54:43,810 You're just being a sore loser and trying to ruin my special day. [mutters] 982 00:54:43,880 --> 00:54:45,050 [folk music playing] 983 00:54:45,130 --> 00:54:46,210 [music stops abruptly] 984 00:54:46,300 --> 00:54:47,550 With all due respect, 985 00:54:47,630 --> 00:54:50,050 I think Justice Strauss ought to tell us if it counts. 986 00:54:50,130 --> 00:54:51,460 That's right. 987 00:54:51,550 --> 00:54:55,000 That's right. I should tell you. I am a judge. 988 00:54:56,130 --> 00:54:57,380 Let me think. 989 00:55:07,630 --> 00:55:08,630 I don't know. 990 00:55:08,720 --> 00:55:10,220 -[Olaf scoffs] -[all] What? 991 00:55:10,300 --> 00:55:14,800 You should never be afraid to admit that you don't know something. 992 00:55:14,880 --> 00:55:17,090 This is a very complicated case. 993 00:55:17,180 --> 00:55:21,100 It would take a formidable legal scholar to solve it. 994 00:55:21,180 --> 00:55:23,010 May I have a blackboard, please? 995 00:55:25,930 --> 00:55:28,510 In the respected legal tome, Nuptial Law, 996 00:55:28,590 --> 00:55:31,880 John Locke's 1690s groundbreaking work is cited, 997 00:55:31,970 --> 00:55:34,810 postulating that the law of the land rests on the... 998 00:55:34,880 --> 00:55:37,170 As you can well imagine, Klaus' legal argument 999 00:55:37,260 --> 00:55:39,810 had all the apocryphal insight of Thurgood Marshall 1000 00:55:39,880 --> 00:55:42,750 and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells, a phrase which here means 1001 00:55:42,840 --> 00:55:46,630 it was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing. 1002 00:55:46,720 --> 00:55:49,430 And so, as Martin Luther King said, 1003 00:55:49,510 --> 00:55:53,640 "Morality cannot be legislated, but behavior can be regulated. 1004 00:55:53,720 --> 00:55:56,510 Judicial decrees may not change the heart... 1005 00:55:56,590 --> 00:55:58,670 [both] but they can restrain the heartless." 1006 00:55:58,760 --> 00:56:01,760 Ah! That moral argument 1007 00:56:01,840 --> 00:56:05,500 had all the apocryphal insight of Thurgood Marshall 1008 00:56:05,590 --> 00:56:08,710 and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells. 1009 00:56:08,800 --> 00:56:14,050 It was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing. 1010 00:56:14,130 --> 00:56:17,960 And I am happy to say that because Violet, 1011 00:56:18,050 --> 00:56:22,710 who is right-handed, signed the document with her left hand, 1012 00:56:22,800 --> 00:56:25,050 the marriage is invalid. 1013 00:56:25,130 --> 00:56:26,630 [sighs of relief] 1014 00:56:32,260 --> 00:56:37,010 Well, you may not be my wife, but you are still my daughter. 1015 00:56:37,090 --> 00:56:38,880 Do you honestly believe I will allow you 1016 00:56:38,970 --> 00:56:40,680 to continue to care for these three children 1017 00:56:40,760 --> 00:56:42,560 after the treachery I've seen here tonight? 1018 00:56:42,630 --> 00:56:44,210 I'm even considering firing your associate 1019 00:56:44,300 --> 00:56:46,000 -as my secretary. -[Jacquelyn] Hear, hear! 1020 00:56:46,800 --> 00:56:48,050 Jacquelyn, is that you? 1021 00:56:48,130 --> 00:56:49,590 -Where have you been? -I was kidnapped 1022 00:56:49,680 --> 00:56:51,510 by Count Olaf's associates and tied to a tree 1023 00:56:51,590 --> 00:56:54,130 before I could tell you that the Baudelaires' uncle, Dr. Montgomery, 1024 00:56:54,220 --> 00:56:56,470 was designated by the parents as their legal guardian 1025 00:56:56,550 --> 00:56:57,920 and has been waiting to hear from you. 1026 00:56:58,010 --> 00:57:01,100 -Dr. Montgomery? -I've never heard of him. 1027 00:57:01,680 --> 00:57:03,810 Well, you are hereby rehired as my secretary 1028 00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:05,550 with an 8% increase in salary. 1029 00:57:05,630 --> 00:57:08,090 The Baudelaires will be sent to a suitable guardian 1030 00:57:08,180 --> 00:57:11,140 and this series of unfortunate events has come to a close. 1031 00:57:11,220 --> 00:57:12,720 [all cheering] 1032 00:57:12,800 --> 00:57:14,840 As for you, Count Olaf... 1033 00:57:15,470 --> 00:57:17,140 [audience gasps] 1034 00:57:17,220 --> 00:57:21,680 I'll get my hands on your fortune if it's the last thing I do. 1035 00:57:21,760 --> 00:57:23,220 And when I have it, 1036 00:57:23,300 --> 00:57:29,550 I will tear you and your siblings from limb to limb. 1037 00:57:29,630 --> 00:57:32,170 -[light switch clicks] -Not funny, guys. 1038 00:57:32,260 --> 00:57:33,680 [all murmuring] 1039 00:57:33,760 --> 00:57:35,720 [Mr. Poe] Olaf? Olaf? 1040 00:57:36,550 --> 00:57:37,630 Olaf! 1041 00:57:38,470 --> 00:57:39,600 He's escaped! 1042 00:57:39,680 --> 00:57:43,310 Wait until the readers of the Daily Punctilio hear about this! 1043 00:57:43,380 --> 00:57:45,340 You have to capture him! You have to go after him! 1044 00:57:45,430 --> 00:57:47,600 You let the authorities worry about that. 1045 00:57:47,680 --> 00:57:49,850 You children, come home with me. 1046 00:57:49,930 --> 00:57:51,640 Sorry, but the children must come with me. 1047 00:57:51,720 --> 00:57:55,060 I cannot allow the Baudelaires to be raised by someone who is not a relative. 1048 00:57:55,130 --> 00:57:56,800 What? After all Justice Strauss has done for us? 1049 00:57:56,880 --> 00:57:58,550 We never would've figured out Count Olaf's plan 1050 00:57:58,630 --> 00:57:59,920 without Justice Strauss and her library. 1051 00:58:00,010 --> 00:58:03,180 That may be so, but your parents' will is very specific. 1052 00:58:03,260 --> 00:58:04,930 He's right. 1053 00:58:05,010 --> 00:58:07,510 There's a vigorously fixed destination your parents had in mind for you, 1054 00:58:07,590 --> 00:58:11,000 and it is not with Count Olaf or Justice Strauss. 1055 00:58:16,550 --> 00:58:17,800 Well... 1056 00:58:20,050 --> 00:58:21,300 goodbye, children. 1057 00:58:22,430 --> 00:58:24,680 I'll miss you very much. 1058 00:58:24,760 --> 00:58:26,310 We'll miss you, too. 1059 00:58:31,300 --> 00:58:32,460 Come along, Baudelaires. 1060 00:58:39,550 --> 00:58:41,130 Goodbye. 1061 00:58:42,300 --> 00:58:43,340 [Sunny] Bye! 1062 00:58:47,340 --> 00:58:49,130 [rustling] 1063 00:58:54,550 --> 00:58:58,340 -Where are we gonna go now, boss? -To a vigorously fixed destination. 1064 00:59:07,430 --> 00:59:09,810 Some things in life are difficult to understand, 1065 00:59:09,880 --> 00:59:12,170 even after years and years of thinking about 'em 1066 00:59:12,260 --> 00:59:15,470 while wandering alone through desolate landscapes... 1067 00:59:16,130 --> 00:59:17,500 usually during the off-season. 1068 00:59:17,590 --> 00:59:19,090 [pounding on door] 1069 00:59:21,090 --> 00:59:22,710 [pounding continues] 1070 00:59:26,380 --> 00:59:29,590 Gustav, have the Baudelaires arrived at Dr. Montgomery's? 1071 00:59:29,680 --> 00:59:32,680 Repeat. Have the Baudelaires arrived at Dr. Montgomery's? 1072 00:59:32,760 --> 00:59:33,810 Not yet. 1073 00:59:33,880 --> 00:59:36,750 But I'm literally standing at the edge of a pond. Ow! 1074 00:59:39,930 --> 00:59:42,970 I have a lead on our missing parents. They're alive, but they've been-- 1075 00:59:43,050 --> 00:59:45,210 The world is quiet here. 1076 00:59:52,130 --> 00:59:53,590 [radio static] 1077 00:59:53,680 --> 00:59:54,930 Gustav? 1078 00:59:56,930 --> 00:59:58,140 Gustav? 1079 01:00:31,090 --> 01:00:32,960 [Lemony] The Baudelaires did not understand 1080 01:00:33,050 --> 01:00:35,250 why they were now off toward an unknown relative 1081 01:00:35,340 --> 01:00:37,500 instead of living with Justice Strauss. 1082 01:00:41,050 --> 01:00:43,880 But as with so many unfortunate events in life, 1083 01:00:43,970 --> 01:00:47,310 just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean it isn't so. 1084 01:00:57,760 --> 01:01:01,850 Usually, our theatrical reviews are the most boring part of the paper. 1085 01:01:01,930 --> 01:01:06,430 But I bet you little stage hogs are about to make the front page again. 1086 01:01:06,510 --> 01:01:09,140 The front page! [laughs] 1087 01:01:10,300 --> 01:01:13,460 [Lemony] It seemed to the children that they were moving in an aberrant, 1088 01:01:13,550 --> 01:01:18,170 a word which here means "very, very wrong, and causing much grief," direction. 1089 01:01:27,090 --> 01:01:28,500 Things are worse than we thought. 1090 01:01:28,590 --> 01:01:30,050 [sighs] They almost always are. 1091 01:01:31,010 --> 01:01:34,100 Every moment the children are without us drags them deeper into danger. 1092 01:01:34,180 --> 01:01:35,680 Then we don't have a moment to lose. 1093 01:01:36,510 --> 01:01:38,720 What's a woman like you building in a place like this? 1094 01:01:39,380 --> 01:01:40,550 Grappling hook. 1095 01:01:41,220 --> 01:01:42,510 Molotov cocktail. 1096 01:01:43,340 --> 01:01:45,420 -You? -Leave no stone unturned. 1097 01:01:58,680 --> 01:02:01,600 [instrumental theme music plays]