1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA www.PSArips.com 2 00:00:10,890 --> 00:00:14,470 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 3 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:18,230 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 4 00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:21,860 ♪ This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day ♪ 5 00:00:21,930 --> 00:00:25,430 ♪ Every single episode Is nothing but dismay ♪ 6 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:30,770 ♪ So look away Look away, look away ♪ 7 00:00:30,850 --> 00:00:33,800 ♪ The Baudelaires' new guardian is wracked With fear and panic ♪ 8 00:00:33,890 --> 00:00:38,140 ♪ They end up on a boat That might as well be the Titanic ♪ 9 00:00:38,230 --> 00:00:41,690 ♪ We polled a bunch of adults 99% agree ♪ 10 00:00:41,770 --> 00:00:45,310 ♪ There must be something happier onscreen For you to see ♪ 11 00:00:45,390 --> 00:00:49,800 ♪ Just look away, look away ♪ 12 00:00:49,890 --> 00:00:53,550 ♪ There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way ♪ 13 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:56,640 ♪ Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say ♪ 14 00:00:56,730 --> 00:01:01,440 ♪ Look away, look away, look away ♪ 15 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:05,310 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 16 00:01:05,390 --> 00:01:08,850 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 17 00:01:08,930 --> 00:01:12,390 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 18 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,140 [typing] 19 00:01:25,890 --> 00:01:26,800 [typewriter dings] 20 00:01:27,890 --> 00:01:30,470 Good evening, and welcome to Lachrymose News, 21 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:33,730 where things that are happening keep happening until they stop. 22 00:01:33,810 --> 00:01:35,900 Not unlike the plight of the Baudelaire orphans, 23 00:01:35,980 --> 00:01:38,230 whom, viewers will recall, lost their parents 24 00:01:38,310 --> 00:01:40,440 and their home in a terrible fire. 25 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,980 With the latest update on their dire plight 26 00:01:43,060 --> 00:01:45,440 is our co-anchor Vincent Fig Demetrios. 27 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,190 -Vincent? -Thanks, Veronica. 28 00:01:47,270 --> 00:01:49,400 Viewers will recall that following the fire, 29 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,900 the Baudelaires were sent to live with Count Olaf, 30 00:01:51,980 --> 00:01:55,520 a villainous actor and an active villain who has vowed repeatedly 31 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:59,430 that he will stop at nothing to get his hands on the enormous fortune 32 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,360 the Baudelaire parents left behind. 33 00:02:02,020 --> 00:02:03,150 Let's hope so, Vincent. 34 00:02:03,230 --> 00:02:06,270 Coming up next, some very nice people were poisoned. 35 00:02:06,350 --> 00:02:08,100 But first, the weather. 36 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:13,140 If the story of the Baudelaire orphans were a weather report, 37 00:02:13,230 --> 00:02:15,810 there would be hardly any sunshine to be seen. 38 00:02:15,890 --> 00:02:18,680 Instead, there would be cloudbursts of unhappiness. 39 00:02:19,180 --> 00:02:20,600 Blizzards of despair. 40 00:02:21,390 --> 00:02:23,510 Misery in the form of sleet storms. 41 00:02:24,140 --> 00:02:26,140 Various cold fronts of terror. 42 00:02:26,930 --> 00:02:27,800 Horror. 43 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:29,610 Attacks of allergies. 44 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:35,430 Not to mention the threat of a devastating hurricane lurking just off the map. 45 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:40,760 If you didn't know about the Baudelaire orphans' unfortunate history 46 00:02:40,850 --> 00:02:43,100 and you saw them disembark from the Fickle Ferry 47 00:02:43,180 --> 00:02:44,510 and arrive at Damocles Dock, 48 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:46,720 you might think they were bound for an exciting adventure. 49 00:02:46,810 --> 00:02:48,690 Here we are, Baudelaires. Deemo... 50 00:02:48,770 --> 00:02:50,400 -But you would be dead wrong. -Dimmo... 51 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:52,440 -My name is Lemony Snicket. -Dudy Damo... 52 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:54,480 -It's my sad duty... -Democlay... 53 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:56,650 to tell the tale of the Baudelaires' tragic lives. 54 00:02:56,730 --> 00:02:57,730 Dimoclath... 55 00:02:57,810 --> 00:02:59,770 But you likely have no such responsibilities... 56 00:02:59,850 --> 00:03:02,010 -Dimoclat... -And should escape from this sad story... 57 00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:04,260 -Demcaca... -before another storm of melancholy 58 00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:07,050 -engulfs you in dampness and misery. -Dock. 59 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,190 It's pronounced Damocles. 60 00:03:09,270 --> 00:03:12,190 After the probably apocryphal figure in Sicilian mythology. 61 00:03:12,270 --> 00:03:15,020 Well, I don't have time to learn things. The banking day has already begun. 62 00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:17,220 In any case, I'm sure you'll be off on some exciting adventure 63 00:03:17,310 --> 00:03:18,310 with your new guardian. 64 00:03:18,890 --> 00:03:22,390 Remember, you can always rely on us at Mulctuary Money Management. 65 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:23,480 Now, if you'll excuse me, 66 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,810 I will leave you alone on this mostly deserted dock 67 00:03:25,890 --> 00:03:28,850 to await for your taxi to your Aunt Josephine's house. 68 00:03:28,930 --> 00:03:29,930 She's not meeting us here? 69 00:03:30,020 --> 00:03:32,270 Strangely, she said she'd be unable to come to the dock, 70 00:03:32,350 --> 00:03:34,390 and I didn't think it polite to ask why. 71 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:36,770 Perhaps she's planning a surprise party for you children. 72 00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:38,100 Which reminds me, 73 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,600 I know you've had a frightening and mystifying time 74 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,970 with that horrible man, what, um, Count... 75 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:45,400 -What's his name? Um... -Olaf. 76 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:48,400 Olaf. Who knows where he came from? 77 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:49,860 You put us in his care. 78 00:03:50,350 --> 00:03:52,100 I wouldn't exactly call it care. 79 00:03:52,180 --> 00:03:55,550 He's a thief and a murderer, and so far has completely escaped capture. 80 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,220 But I have the thing that just might turn things around. 81 00:04:00,230 --> 00:04:01,480 Peppermints! 82 00:04:01,850 --> 00:04:05,550 Delicious peppermints! My second favorite candy when I was a boy. 83 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:08,100 You can eat them in the taxi on the way to meet your dowager aunt. 84 00:04:08,180 --> 00:04:10,800 -What's that? -Oh, Violet, I'm surprised at you. 85 00:04:10,890 --> 00:04:12,680 A girl your age should know that a taxi is a car 86 00:04:12,770 --> 00:04:14,440 that takes you someplace for a reasonable fee. 87 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,020 -[Violet sighs] -And this should just about cover it. 88 00:04:17,350 --> 00:04:20,390 Cheers, Baudelaires! [coughing] 89 00:04:21,930 --> 00:04:22,970 Good luck. 90 00:04:23,060 --> 00:04:24,610 [continues coughing] 91 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,010 -"Dowager" is a fancy word for widow. -[chuckles softly] Thank you. 92 00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:33,300 Should we have told him we're allergic to peppermints? 93 00:04:34,430 --> 00:04:36,050 -It didn't seem worth mentioning. -[clangs] 94 00:04:36,140 --> 00:04:38,010 We have a lot more important things on our minds. 95 00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:40,100 Like asking Aunt Josephine if she can help explain 96 00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:42,890 all the strange and mysterious things that keep happening to us. 97 00:04:42,980 --> 00:04:44,190 And how to get a taxi. 98 00:04:44,270 --> 00:04:45,650 [tires screech] 99 00:04:47,310 --> 00:04:49,480 Does anyone need a ride somewhere for a reasonable fee? 100 00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:57,760 -This town doesn't seem very crowded. -It's the off-season. 101 00:04:57,850 --> 00:05:00,680 When the weather's nice, this town is as crowded as can be. 102 00:05:00,770 --> 00:05:03,480 But around now, things are as dead as the cat I ran over this morning. 103 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,610 -Hold on. -[tires screeching] 104 00:05:09,270 --> 00:05:11,230 I hope your Aunt Josephine has enough food and supplies 105 00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:13,610 when Hurricane Herman arrives. It's supposed to be a doozy. 106 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,510 I'm gonna sit it out in a cabin with the works of Herman Melville 107 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,550 and a large pot of vegetarian chili. 108 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,970 I thought hurricanes only occurred near oceans. 109 00:05:21,060 --> 00:05:24,310 With a body of water as large as Lake Lachrymose, anything can happen. 110 00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:25,930 [giggling] 111 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,110 You know, what's interesting is the storms in Herman Melville's work 112 00:05:29,180 --> 00:05:31,140 are more metaphorical, or even allegorical, 113 00:05:31,230 --> 00:05:33,440 rather than the naturalistic style of someone like Thoreau, 114 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:34,560 if you know what I mean. 115 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:38,220 The shore represents our tenuous hold on the earthly nature of mortal existence, 116 00:05:38,310 --> 00:05:39,810 and the turbulent waters represent 117 00:05:39,890 --> 00:05:42,010 the villainy and troubles in our own lives. 118 00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:46,930 Like a threatening rowboat getting closer and closer with each passing moment. 119 00:05:47,020 --> 00:05:49,480 [sighs] Solitude. 120 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:53,310 Blissful contemplation of my inward eye. 121 00:05:53,390 --> 00:05:57,180 Only when I am alone can I court the muse 122 00:05:57,270 --> 00:05:59,730 and dream up the next step in my... 123 00:05:59,810 --> 00:06:02,190 [chuckles] ...glorious scheme. 124 00:06:02,270 --> 00:06:04,860 [grunting] And what is the next step, boss? 125 00:06:04,930 --> 00:06:05,970 Brute force? 126 00:06:06,060 --> 00:06:08,900 No, no. I need something worthy of this grandiose locale. 127 00:06:08,980 --> 00:06:10,900 Something dashing, something romantic. 128 00:06:10,980 --> 00:06:14,020 You know, in many ways, I am married to the sea. 129 00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:15,760 This is actually a large lake. 130 00:06:15,850 --> 00:06:19,640 [Olaf] I am married to the sea, but my girlfriend is a large lake. 131 00:06:19,730 --> 00:06:23,190 -Land ho! -I told you to stop calling me that. 132 00:06:23,270 --> 00:06:26,400 [taxi driver] I'd say to him, "Lay off the big white whale for a few days. 133 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:28,650 See how you feel. Take a vacation. Rest your leg." 134 00:06:28,730 --> 00:06:29,810 Wow! 135 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:33,680 Your aunt must be a remarkable lady to live all the way up here by herself. 136 00:06:33,770 --> 00:06:36,440 We've been told Aunt Josephine is fierce and formidable. 137 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:37,400 She must be. 138 00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:43,020 -Good luck! -Thank you. 139 00:06:49,770 --> 00:06:52,650 I hope she really can answer all of our questions. 140 00:06:52,730 --> 00:06:53,980 There's so much we don't know. 141 00:06:54,060 --> 00:06:56,310 It's like we're standing on the edge of a precipice 142 00:06:56,390 --> 00:06:58,300 with no idea what lies below. 143 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:17,760 [Lemony] In fact, it was exactly like that. 144 00:07:17,850 --> 00:07:19,510 Although I do know what lies below, 145 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:23,640 which is a 300-foot drop into the freezing waters of Lake Lachrymose. 146 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:29,810 Still, standing on a precipice is better than slipping on a precipice, 147 00:07:29,890 --> 00:07:31,600 or falling over a precipice. 148 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,890 So, before things get worse, 149 00:07:33,980 --> 00:07:36,520 I would advise that you take note of the three words 150 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:40,140 the Baudelaires were about to find on Aunt Josephine's front door. 151 00:07:40,230 --> 00:07:42,360 [Klaus] "Please go away." 152 00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:46,940 [silence] 153 00:07:50,060 --> 00:07:52,770 Don't knock. You might get splinters. 154 00:07:52,850 --> 00:07:57,100 This door is made of wood, which is teeming with tiny shards, 155 00:07:57,180 --> 00:08:00,930 which in turn is teeming with infection. You must never knock. 156 00:08:01,020 --> 00:08:03,110 I'm sorry. I'm sure you're right about all of that. 157 00:08:03,180 --> 00:08:04,890 We're looking for our Aunt Josephine. 158 00:08:04,980 --> 00:08:06,480 I'm Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings-- 159 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:11,400 Klaus and Sunny, of course, of course. Come in. Come in! 160 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,980 -The doorbell didn't appear to be working. -It's disconnected. 161 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:17,690 There is the danger of electrocution. 162 00:08:17,770 --> 00:08:20,020 [stammers] And be careful not to bump into the phone. 163 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,720 I've read quite a bit about electricity, 164 00:08:21,810 --> 00:08:26,560 and I'm reasonably certain that doorbells and telephones are safe. 165 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,300 Not if you have a faulty pacemaker. 166 00:08:28,390 --> 00:08:30,890 Does someone here have a faulty pacemaker? 167 00:08:30,980 --> 00:08:32,980 No, but you can never be too careful. 168 00:08:34,060 --> 00:08:36,110 Do you live with our Aunt Josephine? 169 00:08:36,180 --> 00:08:37,970 I am your Aunt Josephine. 170 00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:39,400 [gasps and screams] 171 00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:44,520 -You are? -Yes, of course. 172 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,350 -Are you sure? -Of course I'm sure. 173 00:08:47,430 --> 00:08:50,760 Although, I prefer the word "certain." Follow me. 174 00:08:50,850 --> 00:08:53,680 But mind the rug. You might trip and break your necks. 175 00:08:55,390 --> 00:08:57,050 Fierce Aunt Josephine. 176 00:08:57,140 --> 00:08:58,970 Formidable Aunt Josephine. 177 00:08:59,770 --> 00:09:00,650 [babbles] 178 00:09:02,180 --> 00:09:05,390 "Delmo"? What do you mean by "delmo"? 179 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,610 I consider myself an expert on the English language, 180 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:10,180 and I have no idea what the word "delmo" means. 181 00:09:10,270 --> 00:09:13,810 Sunny doesn't speak fluently yet. Just baby talk, mostly. 182 00:09:13,890 --> 00:09:17,550 Well, you have arrived just in time. 183 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,260 I know you've seen many unusual things. 184 00:09:20,350 --> 00:09:23,550 -Yes, we have. -And you must have many questions. 185 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,550 -Yes, we do. -In my library, 186 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:28,760 you will find all the answers that you need. 187 00:09:28,850 --> 00:09:30,800 -Are you ready? -We're ready. 188 00:09:31,310 --> 00:09:34,150 Then open the door. [gasps] 189 00:09:35,180 --> 00:09:38,350 Ah! Just... just push on the wood. 190 00:09:38,430 --> 00:09:42,470 The knob could shatter into a million pieces and hit your eyes! 191 00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:44,480 [breathes deeply] 192 00:09:58,350 --> 00:10:00,100 Lake Lachrymose. 193 00:10:00,180 --> 00:10:04,300 I know every island in its waters and every cave along its shores. 194 00:10:05,390 --> 00:10:08,350 But now I can only stand to look at it from far away. 195 00:10:09,350 --> 00:10:11,550 That's why I couldn't meet you on the docks. 196 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:13,890 I'm too haunted by the past. 197 00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:16,060 Does this have anything to do with our parents? 198 00:10:16,140 --> 00:10:19,300 Certainly not. It has to do with my husband... 199 00:10:19,390 --> 00:10:23,600 Ike. He was my best friend, my partner, 200 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:27,640 and one of the few people I knew who could whistle with crackers in his mouth. 201 00:10:27,730 --> 00:10:30,060 His specialty was Beethoven's fourth string quartet. 202 00:10:30,140 --> 00:10:31,970 -Our mother could do that. -Her specialty 203 00:10:32,060 --> 00:10:33,810 was Mozart's 14th symphony. 204 00:10:33,890 --> 00:10:35,970 Yeah, that's right. 205 00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:39,400 We were all friends, your parents and Ike and me. 206 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:42,060 We used to gather on these shores for picnics 207 00:10:42,140 --> 00:10:44,550 and to develop our own secret codes. 208 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:49,180 -Our parents developed secret codes? -I'll never forget our last picnic. 209 00:10:49,270 --> 00:10:54,270 I warned Ike to wait an hour after eating before going into the lake, 210 00:10:54,350 --> 00:10:57,260 -but he only waited 45 minutes. -[Klaus] Did he get cramps? 211 00:10:57,350 --> 00:11:00,850 That's what's supposed to happen if you don't wait an hour before you swim. 212 00:11:00,930 --> 00:11:05,640 Cramps are one reason, but in Lake Lachrymose, there's another. 213 00:11:09,230 --> 00:11:12,980 Part of the lake is a breeding ground for the Lachrymose Leeches, 214 00:11:13,060 --> 00:11:16,560 which are quite different from regular leeches. 215 00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:19,600 They each have six rows of very sharp teeth 216 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,680 and one very sharp nose 217 00:11:21,770 --> 00:11:26,650 that can smell the tiniest bit of food from far, far away. 218 00:11:26,730 --> 00:11:29,690 The Lachrymose Leeches are usually quite harmless, 219 00:11:29,770 --> 00:11:32,980 but if they smell food on a human, 220 00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:37,440 they will start to swarm around him and... 221 00:11:37,930 --> 00:11:38,800 [screams] 222 00:11:41,770 --> 00:11:43,400 [sobbing] 223 00:11:48,930 --> 00:11:50,220 I apologize, children. 224 00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:55,400 It is grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with the word "and," 225 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:57,980 but I get so upset when I think about Ike. 226 00:11:58,060 --> 00:12:01,060 -We're sorry we asked about him. -We didn't mean to upset you. 227 00:12:01,140 --> 00:12:04,220 Aunt Josephine, you said you had answers for us. 228 00:12:04,810 --> 00:12:07,690 Yes! Thank you for reminding me. 229 00:12:09,310 --> 00:12:12,270 As soon as Sunny said what she said, 230 00:12:12,350 --> 00:12:15,350 I knew you were missing some crucial information. 231 00:12:15,850 --> 00:12:17,430 Sunny? What did she say? 232 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,770 Don't you remember, Klaus? She said "delmo," 233 00:12:20,850 --> 00:12:23,140 and that's when I knew what I had to impart. 234 00:12:23,230 --> 00:12:29,020 The key to making sense to this... this confusing and terrifying world. 235 00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:31,680 Perhaps you're too young. 236 00:12:31,770 --> 00:12:33,440 -We can handle it. -We can handle anything. 237 00:12:41,890 --> 00:12:42,720 Grammar. 238 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:44,860 -Grammar? -Grammar. 239 00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:49,680 Since I lost Ike, I have devoted my life to the study of it. 240 00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:52,730 Here is a complete history of nouns. 241 00:12:52,810 --> 00:12:57,940 Oh! And there is an explicitly illustrated encyclopedia of verbs. 242 00:12:58,020 --> 00:13:00,020 I am so happy to have 243 00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:03,390 three young new charges to learn everything, 244 00:13:03,980 --> 00:13:07,480 from the Oxford comma to the Wesleyan semicolon. 245 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:09,310 -Grammar. -Grammar! 246 00:13:09,390 --> 00:13:11,970 It's the greatest joy in life, don't you find? 247 00:13:12,060 --> 00:13:15,610 Aunt Josephine, what does grammar have to do with developing secret codes? 248 00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:20,220 Uh, you used the wrong tense, Klaus. It's a common grammatical error. 249 00:13:20,310 --> 00:13:21,690 You should have said, 250 00:13:21,770 --> 00:13:25,360 "What did grammar have to do with developing secret codes?" 251 00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:28,550 -What did grammar have to do-- -Absolutely nothing. 252 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:31,010 -[clock chimes] -[shrieks] It's the clock. 253 00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,800 [chuckles] Lunch time. 254 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:34,860 How does soup sound? 255 00:13:34,930 --> 00:13:37,010 [both] Soup sounds wonderful. 256 00:13:39,350 --> 00:13:41,510 [house creaking in wind] 257 00:13:44,770 --> 00:13:48,270 -Uh, cold soup. -Oh, yes. I never cook anything hot. 258 00:13:48,350 --> 00:13:51,100 I'm afraid to turn on the stove. It... it might burst into flames. 259 00:13:52,730 --> 00:13:57,060 This is chilled cucumber soup. It's a recipe that I learned in Egypt, 260 00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:59,970 where I was briefly employed as a snake charmer. 261 00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:02,610 Our father lived in Egypt before we were born. 262 00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:04,680 -Is that when you-- -I don't talk about that. 263 00:14:04,770 --> 00:14:07,810 -When we were living with Uncle Monty-- -I said I don't talk about that. 264 00:14:07,890 --> 00:14:11,510 -But there was a statue-- -Klaus, I said I don't talk about that. 265 00:14:12,020 --> 00:14:14,310 You don't talk about that? Or you won't? 266 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,770 This is one of those rare grammatical instances 267 00:14:19,850 --> 00:14:22,800 where "don't" and "won't" mean the same thing. 268 00:14:22,890 --> 00:14:26,680 I knew your parents a long time ago, when things were very different. 269 00:14:27,310 --> 00:14:29,480 Those were fierce and formidable days. 270 00:14:30,140 --> 00:14:33,850 But I don't talk about that, and you won't hear about that. 271 00:14:33,930 --> 00:14:35,510 I shouldn't have to tell you orphans 272 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,760 there are many, many things to be afraid of in this world. 273 00:14:38,850 --> 00:14:41,510 The safest strategy is to be afraid of them all. 274 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,100 I like to think of happier things. 275 00:14:47,180 --> 00:14:51,510 The joys of grammar and how much Ike loved the sunshine. 276 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,390 I like to imagine that where he is now, 277 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:56,980 the weather is just as lovely and sunny as can be. 278 00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:59,360 Of course, nobody knows what happens to you when you die, 279 00:14:59,430 --> 00:15:02,050 but I like to think that my husband is somewhere hot. 280 00:15:02,140 --> 00:15:06,050 Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought about moving somewhere else? 281 00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:08,720 Maybe if you lived far away from Lake Lachrymose, 282 00:15:08,810 --> 00:15:11,020 -you might feel better. -We'd go with you. 283 00:15:11,930 --> 00:15:13,890 Maybe then you'd feel comfortable enough 284 00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:18,060 to discuss some of the things you don't and won't discuss. 285 00:15:18,140 --> 00:15:20,180 I could never sell this house. 286 00:15:20,890 --> 00:15:22,640 I'm afraid of real estate agents. 287 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,100 [door opens] 288 00:15:27,810 --> 00:15:30,020 I'm sure you know there are two kinds of fears: 289 00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:31,800 rational and irrational. 290 00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:33,050 Or, in simpler terms, 291 00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:35,260 fears that make sense and fears that don't. 292 00:15:35,350 --> 00:15:39,180 For instance, the Baudelaire orphans had a fear of Count Olaf, 293 00:15:39,270 --> 00:15:41,860 which makes perfect sense because he is an evil man 294 00:15:41,930 --> 00:15:43,180 who wants to destroy them. 295 00:15:43,270 --> 00:15:45,860 But if they were afraid of lemon meringue pie, 296 00:15:45,930 --> 00:15:49,550 that would be an irrational fear because lemon meringue pie is delicious 297 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,260 and has never hurt a soul. 298 00:15:51,350 --> 00:15:54,890 Being afraid of hurricanes is perfectly rational 299 00:15:54,980 --> 00:15:57,560 because they can be quite sinister and destructive. 300 00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:00,970 But a fear of real estate agents, a term which here means 301 00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:03,980 "people who assist in the buying and selling of houses," 302 00:16:04,060 --> 00:16:05,690 would be an irrational fear 303 00:16:05,770 --> 00:16:09,900 because nothing sinister has ever come from the real estate market. 304 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,150 [whistling] 305 00:16:40,980 --> 00:16:43,400 Count Olaf. I didn't think I'd see you again 306 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,730 after all that unpleasantness with Mr. Snicket. 307 00:16:45,810 --> 00:16:48,480 What are you doing here? It's the off-season. 308 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:52,480 Thanks to a helpful real estate agent, this restaurant is under new management. 309 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,900 New management? Don't make me laugh. 310 00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:56,360 You're not laughing. 311 00:16:56,430 --> 00:16:57,890 Neither are you. 312 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,640 The Baudelaires are safe and sound and learning everything they need to know 313 00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:03,060 -about our secret organization. -Oh? 314 00:17:03,140 --> 00:17:05,800 They should've begun their training years ago, but it's not too late. 315 00:17:05,890 --> 00:17:06,970 [grunts] Rats! 316 00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:11,360 Their new guardian is the most fierce and formidable member of our organization. 317 00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:12,600 Wait, not Snicket? 318 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,890 What? No. Isn't he dead? 319 00:17:14,980 --> 00:17:16,310 Is he? 320 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:18,560 It doesn't matter. 321 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:22,760 All your silly codes and obscure literary references 322 00:17:22,850 --> 00:17:24,100 -can't save you. -Oh? 323 00:17:24,180 --> 00:17:26,180 The Baudelaire children will be destroyed, 324 00:17:26,270 --> 00:17:28,270 -and their fortune will be mine. -Rats! 325 00:17:28,350 --> 00:17:31,930 You and your ridiculous comrades will be swept away. 326 00:17:32,020 --> 00:17:33,150 [grunts] 327 00:17:34,730 --> 00:17:37,150 -We'll see about that. -Yes, we will. 328 00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:39,980 That's what I'm saying. You can push me around all you want-- 329 00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:41,940 -Thank you. -But Josephine will stop you. 330 00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:43,020 The children will stop you. 331 00:17:43,100 --> 00:17:45,390 Reports indicate that they have incredible gifts. 332 00:17:46,430 --> 00:17:47,850 Josephine? 333 00:17:49,350 --> 00:17:50,720 [sighs] 334 00:18:01,730 --> 00:18:03,060 Gifts! 335 00:18:04,230 --> 00:18:06,650 For Violet, a lovely doll... 336 00:18:07,980 --> 00:18:09,690 with plenty of outfits. 337 00:18:10,930 --> 00:18:13,600 Her name is Pretty Penny. 338 00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:16,680 -Isn't she adorable? -She looks a little like Madame Curie. 339 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,600 For Klaus, a deck of cards. 340 00:18:21,270 --> 00:18:25,360 I have never been a young boy, but I hear they enjoy card games. 341 00:18:25,430 --> 00:18:28,260 I once read a book about the history of legalized gambling. 342 00:18:29,270 --> 00:18:33,060 And for little Sunny, it is a rattle. 343 00:18:33,140 --> 00:18:35,550 -It makes a little noise. -[rattling] 344 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:39,400 Do you like them? 345 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:41,730 It's very generous of you, Aunt Josephine. 346 00:18:41,810 --> 00:18:44,900 Well, I know my home isn't the warmest place, 347 00:18:44,980 --> 00:18:47,980 but if you follow the rules, it will be a safe one. 348 00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:53,400 And as your guardian, your safety is my greatest responsibility. 349 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:57,900 That is why I put cans near all the doors and windows each night. 350 00:18:57,980 --> 00:19:01,190 In case any burglars come in, they trip over the cans and wake us up. 351 00:19:01,270 --> 00:19:03,690 But what if we're awake in the house with an angry burglar? 352 00:19:03,770 --> 00:19:05,310 Angry burglar? Where? 353 00:19:05,390 --> 00:19:07,970 Aunt Josephine, you must be very worried about Hurricane Herman. 354 00:19:08,060 --> 00:19:09,230 -Hurricane? -[Violet] Herman. 355 00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:11,900 The taxi driver said it's a huge storm headed our way. 356 00:19:11,980 --> 00:19:13,190 Oh, dear. 357 00:19:13,270 --> 00:19:16,060 We'll need food! We'll need supplies! 358 00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:18,350 We must all go to town immediately. 359 00:19:18,430 --> 00:19:20,800 Maybe my sisters and I could stay here. 360 00:19:20,890 --> 00:19:24,890 Good point. You never know what might happen in a small town. 361 00:19:24,980 --> 00:19:29,020 You ever read Thornton Wilder? Perhaps we should all stay here. 362 00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:32,800 Of course, but what if we run out of food in the middle of a hurricane? 363 00:19:32,890 --> 00:19:35,850 -Wouldn't that be frightening? -Terrifyingly frightening? 364 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,860 I won't be long, children! 365 00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:48,220 Don't do anything dangerous! You know, anything I wouldn't do! 366 00:19:48,310 --> 00:19:50,940 -Of course not! -Nothing you wouldn't do! 367 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:02,760 I know you don't care for the sound, 368 00:20:02,850 --> 00:20:05,050 but maybe I could use your rattle to invent a burglar alarm 369 00:20:05,140 --> 00:20:07,800 so Aunt Josephine won't have to rely on piles of cans. 370 00:20:07,890 --> 00:20:09,800 And, Sunny, you can have the deck of cards. 371 00:20:10,390 --> 00:20:12,140 You enjoy playing poker more than I do. 372 00:20:12,230 --> 00:20:15,940 -That leaves you with the doll. -Plenty of boys enjoy playing with dolls. 373 00:20:16,020 --> 00:20:17,900 Although, I would rather a book. 374 00:20:17,980 --> 00:20:21,060 -That doesn't seem fair. -At least Aunt Josephine's trying. 375 00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:24,180 She wanted to get us gifts, even though she didn't know what we liked. 376 00:20:24,270 --> 00:20:25,690 We shouldn't complain. 377 00:20:25,770 --> 00:20:27,520 You're right. She means well. 378 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:30,220 Even though she's terrified of everything, we shouldn't complain. 379 00:20:30,310 --> 00:20:31,730 [chuckling] You're right. 380 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,430 -I want to complain anyway. -[chuckles] Let's get to work. 381 00:20:47,350 --> 00:20:49,350 Aunt Josephine told us that all the answers we need 382 00:20:49,430 --> 00:20:51,890 were in her library, but she made a grammatical error. 383 00:20:51,980 --> 00:20:54,810 Wait, let me get this straight. Aunt Josephine made a grammatical error? 384 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:58,190 The word "library" is singular, meaning one. 385 00:20:58,270 --> 00:21:00,650 But this isn't one library, it's two. 386 00:21:00,730 --> 00:21:02,360 The one you see here... 387 00:21:05,770 --> 00:21:06,900 and the one you don't. 388 00:21:06,980 --> 00:21:10,110 Aunt Josephine might not open up, but her safe might. 389 00:21:10,180 --> 00:21:12,640 That won't be easy. That's why people have safes. 390 00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:14,560 Most safes use three numbers. 391 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:16,970 That means that there are thousands of possible combinations. 392 00:21:17,060 --> 00:21:17,900 One million. 393 00:21:17,980 --> 00:21:20,520 Aunt Josephine said that she and our parents developed secret codes. 394 00:21:21,430 --> 00:21:24,890 In some codes, numbers substitute for letters and words. 395 00:21:24,980 --> 00:21:27,940 It'd have to be something she'd remember. Something she cares about. 396 00:21:28,020 --> 00:21:29,900 -"Grammar"? -Too many letters. 397 00:21:29,980 --> 00:21:32,730 What else does she care about? Cold food? 398 00:21:32,810 --> 00:21:33,810 Doorbell safety? 399 00:21:33,890 --> 00:21:35,970 Avoiding questions about anything we want to know? 400 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,060 That's three letters long. 401 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:44,900 "I" is the ninth letter of the alphabet. 402 00:21:44,980 --> 00:21:47,230 Eleven for "K." 403 00:21:47,730 --> 00:21:50,110 And "E," the fifth. 404 00:21:58,890 --> 00:21:59,930 [Violet] Crackers? 405 00:22:05,810 --> 00:22:07,560 [Klaus] Very high-pitched Beethoven. 406 00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,800 That's Ike's whistling music. And look... 407 00:22:13,020 --> 00:22:15,310 [Klaus] Aunt Josephine wrestling with an alligator? 408 00:22:15,390 --> 00:22:16,510 And winning. 409 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,300 [Klaus] Boxing. Skydiving. 410 00:22:19,890 --> 00:22:22,010 Who jumps out of a plane for fun? 411 00:22:22,100 --> 00:22:23,640 Cooking with fire. 412 00:22:23,730 --> 00:22:27,520 -She wasn't scared of anything. -What happened to her? 413 00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:34,400 [Klaus] The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations. 414 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:35,810 All the answers are in here. 415 00:22:35,890 --> 00:22:37,890 Even if our guardian won't tell us anything, 416 00:22:37,980 --> 00:22:40,020 we can still find out what we're looking for. 417 00:22:40,100 --> 00:22:42,510 [Josephine] Not the doorknob! Not the doorknob! 418 00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:58,690 Baudelaires. 419 00:22:59,180 --> 00:23:01,550 Baudelaires, there you are. 420 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:02,890 Sunny! 421 00:23:02,980 --> 00:23:07,110 I found something very interesting at the town market and petting zoo. 422 00:23:07,350 --> 00:23:08,180 Limes. 423 00:23:08,770 --> 00:23:12,980 I found two very interesting things at the town market and petting zoo. 424 00:23:13,060 --> 00:23:16,360 One, yes, a great deal of limes at a reasonable price. 425 00:23:16,430 --> 00:23:18,510 It's perfect for cold lime stew. 426 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:20,470 The other is even better. 427 00:23:23,890 --> 00:23:25,850 Something wonderful. 428 00:23:27,020 --> 00:23:33,110 Baudelaires, I know I am a disappointment to you and to countless others. 429 00:23:33,180 --> 00:23:36,510 Believe it or not, I used to be a fierce and formidable woman. 430 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:41,550 Your parents and I were more than friends. We were associates. 431 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:48,100 We were colleagues, comrades, collaborators, allies, volunteers! 432 00:23:48,180 --> 00:23:50,640 But these are troubling times. 433 00:23:50,730 --> 00:23:52,480 I know you miss Ike very much. 434 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:55,190 And I know you miss your parents very much. 435 00:23:55,270 --> 00:23:58,440 It's a curious thing, the death of a loved one. 436 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:02,020 It's like climbing the stairs to your room in the dark, 437 00:24:02,100 --> 00:24:05,850 thinking that there's one more stair than there is. 438 00:24:05,930 --> 00:24:08,850 And your foot falls through the air, 439 00:24:09,350 --> 00:24:12,850 and there is a sickly feeling of dark surprise. 440 00:24:12,930 --> 00:24:16,100 -That's exactly what it's like. -It's terrifying. 441 00:24:16,180 --> 00:24:20,100 But today I realized, with my hands full of limes, 442 00:24:20,180 --> 00:24:22,760 you can't be terrified forever. 443 00:24:22,850 --> 00:24:26,470 I think I am ready to be fierce and formidable again. 444 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:30,610 -And I think we can do it together. -That sounds wonderful. 445 00:24:31,100 --> 00:24:34,640 So, can I leave you children alone a few more hours? 446 00:24:34,730 --> 00:24:37,690 He wants to take me out for a fried-egg sandwich. 447 00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:39,900 -What? -I met a man, 448 00:24:39,980 --> 00:24:43,440 a gentleman, at the town market and petting zoo. 449 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:45,860 He has had a troubled past, 450 00:24:45,930 --> 00:24:48,890 and we're going to talk about it over a fried-egg sandwich. 451 00:24:48,980 --> 00:24:51,360 It'll be good to have something hot for a change. 452 00:24:51,430 --> 00:24:56,640 I just wanted to get a warm cardigan that's flattering to my figure. 453 00:24:56,730 --> 00:24:58,560 You're going on a date? 454 00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:03,350 Don't be vulgar, Violet. It is not a date, necessarily. 455 00:25:03,430 --> 00:25:08,010 It's just two adults sharing quality time together 456 00:25:08,100 --> 00:25:11,850 over toasted rye bread and runny yolks. 457 00:25:11,930 --> 00:25:13,600 Oh, be nice to him, won't you? 458 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,010 Just make small talk while I get my sweater. 459 00:25:16,100 --> 00:25:17,600 [gasps excitedly] 460 00:25:19,230 --> 00:25:20,860 Oh, Captain! 461 00:25:20,930 --> 00:25:22,760 Oh, Captain! 462 00:25:22,850 --> 00:25:26,140 I'm hobbling as fast as I can, Josephine. 463 00:25:30,140 --> 00:25:33,600 Well, good evening, children. 464 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:37,350 My name is Captain Sham, and my home is the sea. 465 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:39,730 No, it isn't. 466 00:25:39,810 --> 00:25:41,690 Well, it's... it's a large lake. 467 00:25:41,770 --> 00:25:43,230 Don't be ridiculous. 468 00:25:43,310 --> 00:25:46,110 All right, all right. My home is near a large lake. 469 00:25:46,180 --> 00:25:48,050 It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. 470 00:25:48,140 --> 00:25:50,720 We've already made your acquaintance. You're Count Olaf. 471 00:25:50,810 --> 00:25:52,610 Count Olaf? 472 00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:54,970 Why would you bring up such a terrifying person? 473 00:25:55,060 --> 00:25:56,650 Count Olaf! 474 00:25:56,730 --> 00:26:00,690 Just as I was working up the courage to go put on my cardigan. 475 00:26:00,770 --> 00:26:03,520 Good thing we have a sea captain to keep us safe. 476 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,350 Aunt Josephine, this is not a sea captain. This is Count Olaf. 477 00:26:06,430 --> 00:26:07,890 Klaus, I am shocked! 478 00:26:07,980 --> 00:26:08,980 It's true. 479 00:26:09,060 --> 00:26:12,980 I am shocked at your grammar. You can't say, "This is Count Olaf." 480 00:26:13,060 --> 00:26:15,770 The proper sentence is, "He is Count Olaf." 481 00:26:15,850 --> 00:26:18,010 Who is this Count Omar? He sounds handsome. 482 00:26:18,100 --> 00:26:21,140 He has the same shiny eyes and the same single eyebrow. 483 00:26:21,230 --> 00:26:22,980 Klaus! Grammar! 484 00:26:23,060 --> 00:26:25,310 -That is an eyepatch. -[Violet] The tattoo! 485 00:26:25,390 --> 00:26:27,970 Count Olaf has a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle. 486 00:26:28,060 --> 00:26:29,230 [Josephine] Violet... 487 00:26:29,310 --> 00:26:35,060 this man's left ankle was devoured during his duties as a sailboat rental agent. 488 00:26:35,140 --> 00:26:37,180 That's how the two of us met. 489 00:26:37,270 --> 00:26:38,900 -I was shopping for limes. -She was shopping for limes. 490 00:26:38,980 --> 00:26:40,020 [both laughing] 491 00:26:40,100 --> 00:26:41,890 -[Sham] Shall I? -[Josephine] Oh, you tell it. 492 00:26:41,980 --> 00:26:43,150 -No, you tell it. -Very well. 493 00:26:43,730 --> 00:26:45,650 I remember it as if it were yesterday. 494 00:26:45,730 --> 00:26:47,940 Although it was only a few hours ago. 495 00:26:53,810 --> 00:26:56,860 Very fresh dill. Very fresh dill. 496 00:26:56,930 --> 00:26:58,720 Have you heard that Captain Sham is in town? 497 00:26:58,810 --> 00:27:00,980 What a wonderful and handsome fellow that Captain Sham is. 498 00:27:01,060 --> 00:27:03,440 Fish heads! Fish heads! Roly-poly fish heads! 499 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:05,690 -Speaking of handsome... -Have you heard about Captain Sham? 500 00:27:05,770 --> 00:27:07,730 I'm talking to myself about Captain Sham. 501 00:27:07,810 --> 00:27:09,810 -Limes. A whole lot of limes. -Limes! 502 00:27:09,890 --> 00:27:11,180 -Limes. -I need some limes. 503 00:27:11,270 --> 00:27:13,480 -I sell limes. -Oh, citric acid. 504 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:15,150 Would you allow me, madam? 505 00:27:16,060 --> 00:27:19,020 I have an eye for ripeness, 506 00:27:19,100 --> 00:27:21,510 and I've always thought that the tangiest pulp 507 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:23,100 comes from the toughest rinds. 508 00:27:23,180 --> 00:27:24,510 Oh, my. 509 00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,720 Of course, you're probably far too young to understand that, Miss... 510 00:27:27,810 --> 00:27:30,400 Anwhistle. Josephine Anwhistle. 511 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:31,980 I'm Captain Sham. 512 00:27:32,060 --> 00:27:34,150 -The brave Captain Sham? -The famous Captain Sham? 513 00:27:34,230 --> 00:27:35,900 -The Captain Sham. -Who isn't in disguise? 514 00:27:35,980 --> 00:27:39,190 -Oh, I've heard your name everywhere. -Yes, that's the idea. 515 00:27:39,270 --> 00:27:42,940 My name is Captain Sham, and my home is the sea. 516 00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:45,520 Oh, I would have thought you lived nearby. 517 00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,390 [sighs] Large lake, large lake. 518 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:52,520 I am so happy to make the acquaintance of a local personage. 519 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:55,800 I've been so lonely since I lost my... 520 00:27:57,310 --> 00:27:58,440 -Um... -Left. 521 00:27:58,520 --> 00:27:59,810 Left leg. 522 00:28:00,390 --> 00:28:01,430 I'm so sorry. 523 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,440 Yeah, I've been fitted with a wooden prosthetic. 524 00:28:05,810 --> 00:28:08,560 -How did it happen? -Um, we used half of an old broom. 525 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:10,890 -No, I mean, the accident. -Oh, the accident! 526 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:13,190 Nobody could possibly understand. 527 00:28:13,270 --> 00:28:14,520 It's un-understandable. 528 00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:16,970 -I was sitting on my boat... -The way sailors do. 529 00:28:17,060 --> 00:28:20,230 -enjoying some pasta puttanesca... -Which is also totally normal. 530 00:28:20,310 --> 00:28:24,020 -when I spilled some on my leg. -And a very handsome leg it was. 531 00:28:24,100 --> 00:28:26,600 Before I knew it, the leeches were attacking me. 532 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:28,350 -Terrible! -[both] Ghastly! 533 00:28:28,430 --> 00:28:29,760 I fought them off as best I could. 534 00:28:29,850 --> 00:28:31,260 -Ka-pow! -Zoink! 535 00:28:31,350 --> 00:28:34,350 -But my right leg was not strong enough. -Left. 536 00:28:34,430 --> 00:28:37,850 My right leg was not strong enough to rescue my left leg. 537 00:28:37,930 --> 00:28:40,680 -That's terrible. -Yes, it is terrible. 538 00:28:40,770 --> 00:28:42,110 And no one can understand. 539 00:28:42,180 --> 00:28:43,510 -Can you, stranger? -No. 540 00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:45,720 -You, other stranger? -No. 541 00:28:45,810 --> 00:28:49,060 -I wish I could understand. -Because you're so very handsome. 542 00:28:49,140 --> 00:28:53,970 You see, nobody can understand, and that's why I'm all alone. 543 00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:56,190 [all] Aw! 544 00:28:56,270 --> 00:28:58,230 I can understand, Captain Sham. 545 00:28:58,310 --> 00:28:59,560 -What? -It can't be! 546 00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:00,550 -Extra... -...ordinary. 547 00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:01,850 I don't believe it. 548 00:29:01,930 --> 00:29:04,430 That's just how it happened with my husband. 549 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:06,400 -That wasn't pasta. -Leeches. 550 00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:08,730 I lost my husband to the Lachrymose Leeches. 551 00:29:08,810 --> 00:29:12,190 Good heavens! I had absolutely no idea. I swear. 552 00:29:12,270 --> 00:29:13,270 None of us did. 553 00:29:13,350 --> 00:29:14,640 I've never even heard of your husband Ike. 554 00:29:15,430 --> 00:29:17,550 Then... you do understand. 555 00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:19,300 -I think I do. -What? 556 00:29:19,390 --> 00:29:20,430 -Two lost... -...and damaged souls. 557 00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:22,560 [both] K-I-S-S-I-N-G. 558 00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:26,140 Could it be possible that my lonely days are over? 559 00:29:26,230 --> 00:29:30,150 I have been lonely, too. And I disconnected the doorbell. 560 00:29:30,230 --> 00:29:32,770 -Why did you do that? -Because of electrocution. 561 00:29:32,850 --> 00:29:34,350 -That's crazy. -Uh, boss! 562 00:29:34,430 --> 00:29:38,010 Crazy because I did the exact same thing myself! 563 00:29:38,100 --> 00:29:39,890 -Really? -Okay, yes. 564 00:29:39,980 --> 00:29:41,610 The world is so terrifying. 565 00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:46,010 It is? It is! Just like the rough and tumultuous sea. 566 00:29:46,100 --> 00:29:47,890 -Lake. -Lake. 567 00:29:47,980 --> 00:29:50,560 Well, perhaps I need a captain. 568 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:52,050 Yes. Yes! 569 00:29:52,140 --> 00:29:56,260 Perhaps we should sail this fragile and flammable world together. 570 00:29:56,350 --> 00:29:59,760 -Sail? -Yes, I'm a sailboat rental agent. 571 00:29:59,850 --> 00:30:02,300 Is that anything like a real estate agent? 572 00:30:02,890 --> 00:30:04,180 It's actually quite similar. 573 00:30:04,270 --> 00:30:06,860 Absolutely not. See? I have my own business card. 574 00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:12,810 "Captain Sham's Sailboats. Every boat has it's own sail." 575 00:30:13,430 --> 00:30:17,430 Oh, Captain, you have made a serious grammatical error here. 576 00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:18,360 What? 577 00:30:18,430 --> 00:30:22,300 This card says "it's," I-T-apostrophe-S. 578 00:30:22,390 --> 00:30:24,390 That always means "it is." 579 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:28,060 You don't mean to say "Every boat has it is own sail." 580 00:30:28,140 --> 00:30:32,300 You mean simply I-T-S, as in "belonging to it." 581 00:30:32,390 --> 00:30:35,220 It's a common mistake, but a dreadful one. 582 00:30:35,310 --> 00:30:38,480 Thank you for pointing that out. 583 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:42,610 Care to accompany me on a cruise through leech-infested waters? 584 00:30:43,230 --> 00:30:47,520 Oh, no, Captain. I couldn't possibly go out on Lake Lachrymose. 585 00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:49,550 Not after what happened to my husband. 586 00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:51,260 I'm surprised you can. 587 00:30:51,350 --> 00:30:53,720 I can't! I never said I could. Uh... 588 00:30:53,810 --> 00:30:55,150 [whispers] Fried-egg sandwich. 589 00:30:55,230 --> 00:30:58,560 How would you like to go get a fried-egg sandwich? 590 00:30:58,640 --> 00:30:59,600 What an opportunity. 591 00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:00,970 -I'm so... -...jealous. 592 00:31:01,060 --> 00:31:04,110 -I'd love to. -Great. [clicks teeth] 593 00:31:09,350 --> 00:31:14,050 Perhaps I could review it one more time. I-T-apostrophe-S. 594 00:31:14,140 --> 00:31:16,350 I'm sure they understand, Josephine! 595 00:31:16,430 --> 00:31:20,430 After all, these three children aren't blithering morons, 596 00:31:20,520 --> 00:31:22,270 are you, Baudelaires? 597 00:31:22,350 --> 00:31:27,510 No, they're wonderful, obedient little orphans. 598 00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:32,390 Maybe one day, they'll also let me take them on a boat ride, very far away. 599 00:31:34,890 --> 00:31:37,470 Ahoy, a hairless pygmy! 600 00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:39,610 She is a baby and you know that. 601 00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:42,260 We'll discuss what sort of pygmy she is later. 602 00:31:42,350 --> 00:31:45,720 In the meantime, the adults have a date. 603 00:31:45,810 --> 00:31:46,980 -I'll get my cardigan. -Hmm. 604 00:31:47,060 --> 00:31:48,360 Aunt Josephine! 605 00:31:48,430 --> 00:31:51,890 Oh, Violet, calm down. I'll be back in a jiffy! 606 00:31:53,060 --> 00:31:54,060 So... 607 00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:58,110 long time, no see. 608 00:31:58,180 --> 00:32:00,800 -You'll never get away with this. -Get away with what? 609 00:32:00,890 --> 00:32:04,550 I'm just a sea captain romancing a fierce and formidable woman. 610 00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:06,800 -You're not a sea captain. -Oh, yes, I am. 611 00:32:06,890 --> 00:32:08,390 It says so on my business cards. 612 00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:11,060 Business cards aren't proof of anything. Anyone can go to a print shop 613 00:32:11,140 --> 00:32:12,640 and have cards made that say anything they like. 614 00:32:12,730 --> 00:32:18,150 Well, you're just a heap of facts, aren't you, Klaus? 615 00:32:18,230 --> 00:32:23,110 Facts and facts and facts and facts! 616 00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:26,350 But none of them do you any good. 617 00:32:26,430 --> 00:32:29,350 Just like poor Uncle Monty. 618 00:32:29,430 --> 00:32:33,220 And your parents, may they rest in ashes. 619 00:32:33,310 --> 00:32:34,980 Oh, Captain Sham? 620 00:32:35,060 --> 00:32:36,440 Aunt Josephine, we have to tell you something. 621 00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:39,690 That's right! Stay back, Josephine! Stay back! 622 00:32:39,770 --> 00:32:41,230 There's lit candles in here! 623 00:32:41,310 --> 00:32:42,980 Everyone remain calm. 624 00:32:43,060 --> 00:32:44,860 Remain calm! 625 00:32:49,730 --> 00:32:51,560 Oh, the heat! 626 00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:52,680 The heat! 627 00:32:54,430 --> 00:32:56,100 [panting] 628 00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:03,260 The danger has passed. It's fine now. 629 00:33:03,350 --> 00:33:06,850 The orphans tried to engulf your entire house in flames, but it's fine now. 630 00:33:06,930 --> 00:33:08,100 [shushing] 631 00:33:08,180 --> 00:33:10,300 Oh, thank you, Captain Sham. 632 00:33:10,390 --> 00:33:11,510 Please... 633 00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:14,980 call me... Julio. 634 00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:16,810 Julio. 635 00:33:16,890 --> 00:33:22,430 -Now, let's get a fried egg in you, madam. -I would like that very much. 636 00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:24,520 Though the orphans would like to say they're sorry, 637 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:25,680 wouldn't you, orphans? 638 00:33:25,770 --> 00:33:27,270 We're very sorry. 639 00:33:27,350 --> 00:33:29,760 We'll speak no more about it, Baudelaires. 640 00:33:29,850 --> 00:33:33,470 Clean up the dishes and go to bed. And no more candles. 641 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:36,060 -Yes, Aunt Josephine. -Or doorknobs! 642 00:33:36,140 --> 00:33:37,430 -Of course. -Or-- 643 00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:38,860 Come now, Josephine. 644 00:33:38,930 --> 00:33:42,470 Our romantic ride in the back of a taxi awaits. 645 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,100 And be careful in your dreams. 646 00:33:46,180 --> 00:33:49,390 [chuckles] Don't wait up, orphans. 647 00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:50,690 [chuckles deviously] 648 00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:54,800 -We have to go after her. -[both sigh] 649 00:33:56,270 --> 00:33:58,440 [Klaus] There are at least half a dozen egg sandwich restaurants 650 00:33:58,520 --> 00:33:59,940 within driving distance. 651 00:34:02,100 --> 00:34:03,100 We'll walk into town. 652 00:34:03,180 --> 00:34:05,470 If we see the taxi driver, we can ask him where he took them. 653 00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:06,940 What do we do when we find them? 654 00:34:07,020 --> 00:34:09,900 Aunt Josephine's fallen for Count Olaf's disguise and for Count Olaf. 655 00:34:09,980 --> 00:34:12,650 Maybe so, but we haven't. 656 00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:15,980 Whatever Count Olaf's scheme is, we have to stop it. 657 00:34:31,270 --> 00:34:32,440 Going somewhere? 658 00:34:33,020 --> 00:34:35,610 Young people shouldn't wander around this time of night. 659 00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:37,050 There are dangerous people lurking about. 660 00:34:37,140 --> 00:34:38,760 -Go back in the house. -Where it's safer. 661 00:34:38,850 --> 00:34:40,720 And strangers can't get you. 662 00:34:40,810 --> 00:34:42,360 Strangers? Where? 663 00:34:42,430 --> 00:34:44,510 [hook-handed man] I thought you were guarding the waiter. 664 00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:46,050 I thought they were. 665 00:34:46,140 --> 00:34:49,100 -[both] We thought he was! -So, nobody's guarding the waiter? 666 00:35:03,230 --> 00:35:05,060 We'll be keeping an eye on you. 667 00:35:11,390 --> 00:35:12,720 [Klaus] Must be another way out of here. 668 00:35:12,810 --> 00:35:15,310 There is one other way. Wait here. 669 00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:19,010 We can't get out that way. 670 00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:22,640 Even if that window could open, it's at least a 100-foot drop. 671 00:35:22,730 --> 00:35:24,900 Or a 100-foot climb. 672 00:35:24,980 --> 00:35:27,900 I saw some fishing nets in the kitchen. I could braid them into a ladder. 673 00:35:27,980 --> 00:35:29,810 -Violet-- -We could break the window and climb down. 674 00:35:29,890 --> 00:35:31,050 -Violet-- -We'd reach the water... 675 00:35:31,140 --> 00:35:32,140 -Violet-- -in no time. 676 00:35:32,640 --> 00:35:35,260 -Then what? -I don't know. I don't know what to do. 677 00:35:35,350 --> 00:35:36,930 We don't even know what Count Olaf's plan is. 678 00:35:37,020 --> 00:35:39,440 We know he wants to use Aunt Josephine to get our fortune. 679 00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:42,980 Then maybe he's going to kill her, like he did Uncle Monty. 680 00:35:43,060 --> 00:35:45,270 Maybe he's gonna marry her, like he tried to do with me. 681 00:35:45,350 --> 00:35:48,430 I can think of 100 different outcomes, all of which are terrifying. 682 00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:51,520 -That must be how Aunt Josephine feels. -Maybe she's right. 683 00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:54,260 The world is scary and we should be afraid. 684 00:35:54,350 --> 00:35:56,300 No matter where we go, Count Olaf will be there. 685 00:35:56,890 --> 00:36:00,010 No matter who we tell, no one will listen to us. 686 00:36:00,100 --> 00:36:02,050 There is nowhere safe for us... 687 00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:05,230 and no guardian can help us. 688 00:36:10,020 --> 00:36:11,610 And our parents are never coming back. 689 00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:13,970 "Life is a conundrum of esoterica." 690 00:36:14,060 --> 00:36:16,900 -That's what Uncle Monty-- -Uncle Monty is dead. 691 00:36:16,980 --> 00:36:18,310 Aunt Josephine isn't. 692 00:36:18,390 --> 00:36:21,510 She didn't protect us from Count Olaf, but we can still protect her. 693 00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:23,550 We have to warn her, even if it's dangerous. 694 00:36:24,180 --> 00:36:25,510 You don't sound scared. 695 00:36:26,100 --> 00:36:29,640 Remember what Mother said? "Do the scary thing first--" 696 00:36:29,730 --> 00:36:31,110 "And get scared afterwards." 697 00:36:33,180 --> 00:36:35,640 I'll see what I can find. 698 00:36:38,680 --> 00:36:40,680 I'll work on that ladder. 699 00:36:40,770 --> 00:36:43,610 ♪ I, I, I ♪ 700 00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:44,720 [coughs] 701 00:36:44,810 --> 00:36:47,770 ♪ I love the sea ♪ 702 00:36:47,850 --> 00:36:51,680 ♪ The reason I'm a sailor 'cause ♪ 703 00:36:51,770 --> 00:36:54,860 ♪ It's the only way to be ♪ 704 00:36:54,930 --> 00:36:58,760 ♪ Well, I love schooners And I love ships ♪ 705 00:36:58,850 --> 00:37:02,350 ♪ And I love that boat that tugs ♪ 706 00:37:02,430 --> 00:37:06,050 ♪ I have nautical images ♪ 707 00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:08,680 ♪ On all my sheets and rugs ♪ 708 00:37:08,770 --> 00:37:09,810 See what I did? 709 00:37:09,890 --> 00:37:13,180 ♪ I, I, I ♪ 710 00:37:13,270 --> 00:37:16,560 ♪ I love the sea ♪ 711 00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:20,100 ♪ The reason I'm a sailor 'cause ♪ 712 00:37:20,180 --> 00:37:23,800 ♪ It's the only way to be ♪ 713 00:37:23,890 --> 00:37:27,510 ♪ The reason I'm a sailor 'cause ♪ 714 00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:33,720 ♪ It's the only way to be ♪ [off-key high notes] 715 00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:37,600 [stammers] It's a large lake, actually. 716 00:37:38,810 --> 00:37:41,110 I do hope the children will be safe. 717 00:37:42,730 --> 00:37:45,020 [Father] I do hope the children will be safe. 718 00:37:47,930 --> 00:37:49,180 We should have a clear flight, 719 00:37:49,270 --> 00:37:51,150 provided the weather holds, the plane flies, 720 00:37:51,230 --> 00:37:53,060 and none of our enemies have air cannons. 721 00:37:53,140 --> 00:37:55,720 -That sounds like-- -Our honeymoon. 722 00:37:57,230 --> 00:37:59,360 -Things worked out then. -Well, things change. 723 00:37:59,430 --> 00:38:01,680 We have three children who need us, and they need us now. 724 00:38:01,770 --> 00:38:05,560 -They're brave, like their mother. -They're bold, like their father. 725 00:38:06,730 --> 00:38:08,400 Have you decoded the message yet? 726 00:38:09,180 --> 00:38:14,260 It says, "You can't lock up the barn after the horses are gone." 727 00:38:14,350 --> 00:38:15,930 I hope we're not too late. 728 00:38:19,270 --> 00:38:22,150 -Bullet holes. -It is like our honeymoon. 729 00:38:23,060 --> 00:38:26,480 The expression "You can't lock up the barn after the horses are gone" 730 00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:29,150 was a favorite of a woman who meant a great deal to me, 731 00:38:29,230 --> 00:38:31,900 -even after she was trampled. -[thunder rumbling] 732 00:38:31,980 --> 00:38:35,230 The expression simply means that sometimes even the best of plans 733 00:38:35,310 --> 00:38:37,230 will occur to you when it is too late, 734 00:38:37,310 --> 00:38:40,310 just as all of us are far, far too late 735 00:38:40,390 --> 00:38:42,850 to be of any help at all to the Baudelaires. 736 00:38:43,770 --> 00:38:47,110 I wish that I could go back somehow and warn the Baudelaires 737 00:38:47,180 --> 00:38:49,640 about what would happen that sorry evening. 738 00:38:50,270 --> 00:38:54,560 I spend many sleepless nights wishing there was some powerful invention, 739 00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:56,680 some crucial bit of research, 740 00:38:56,770 --> 00:39:00,060 that might enable me to change the Baudelaires' sad history. 741 00:39:00,140 --> 00:39:03,180 But again and again I remind myself that there was nothing I could do, 742 00:39:03,270 --> 00:39:06,520 just as the Baudelaires could do nothing to prevent that window from shattering. 743 00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:08,100 -[glass shattering] -[Violet] What was that? 744 00:39:08,180 --> 00:39:09,470 [Klaus] It sounded like a window shattering. 745 00:39:10,140 --> 00:39:13,140 -[Klaus] Aunt Josephine! -[Violet] Aunt Josephine? 746 00:39:13,230 --> 00:39:15,310 [wind whistling] 747 00:39:15,390 --> 00:39:17,010 Aunt Josephine... 748 00:39:43,060 --> 00:39:45,190 "Violet, Klaus and Sunny: 749 00:39:46,390 --> 00:39:49,010 By the time you read this note, my life will be at it's end." 750 00:39:49,100 --> 00:39:50,100 No. 751 00:39:50,180 --> 00:39:54,140 "My heart is as cold as Ike, and I find my life inbearable." 752 00:39:54,230 --> 00:39:55,980 [Violet whispers] Aunt Josephine. 753 00:39:57,850 --> 00:40:00,600 It is impossible to go back, of course, 754 00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:04,220 and tell the Baudelaires that their fears that night were entirely rational. 755 00:40:04,310 --> 00:40:07,310 It is impossible to go back and tell them anything at all, 756 00:40:07,390 --> 00:40:10,010 just as it is impossible to put Aunt Josephine's house 757 00:40:10,100 --> 00:40:11,760 back on top of this cliff. 758 00:40:14,020 --> 00:40:15,610 I can tell you something. 759 00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:18,260 I can tell you that, as the Baudelaires stood there 760 00:40:18,350 --> 00:40:21,390 and gazed out the wide window of Josephine's house, 761 00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:24,560 -believing that their guardian was dead... -[whispers] Aunt Josephine. 762 00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:25,970 ...that they were wrong. 763 00:40:27,100 --> 00:40:30,430 I can tell you that Aunt Josephine was not dead at all. 764 00:40:36,390 --> 00:40:37,470 Not yet. 765 00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:42,480 [instrumental theme music plays]