1 00:00:00,004 --> 00:00:05,004 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA www.PSArips.com 2 00:00:06,125 --> 00:00:08,000 [theme song playing] 3 00:00:10,833 --> 00:00:13,708 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 4 00:00:14,291 --> 00:00:18,041 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 5 00:00:18,125 --> 00:00:21,750 ♪ This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day ♪ 6 00:00:21,833 --> 00:00:24,541 ♪ Every single episode Is nothing but dismay ♪ 7 00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:29,750 ♪ So look away Look away, look away ♪ 8 00:00:30,541 --> 00:00:33,791 ♪ At school the Baudelaires are forced To live in an old shack ♪ 9 00:00:33,875 --> 00:00:37,625 ♪ Comfort, joy and safety Are among the things they lack ♪ 10 00:00:37,708 --> 00:00:40,833 ♪ They run a lot of laps Which keeps them in fantastic shape ♪ 11 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:45,208 ♪ But you're the one who ought to take This chance for an escape ♪ 12 00:00:45,291 --> 00:00:49,708 ♪ Just look away, look away ♪ 13 00:00:49,791 --> 00:00:53,250 ♪ There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way ♪ 14 00:00:53,333 --> 00:00:56,541 ♪ Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say ♪ 15 00:00:56,625 --> 00:01:01,333 ♪ Look away, look away, look away ♪ 16 00:01:01,416 --> 00:01:04,916 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 17 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:08,500 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 18 00:01:08,583 --> 00:01:12,958 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 19 00:01:15,958 --> 00:01:17,958 [typing] 20 00:01:24,166 --> 00:01:25,083 [typewriter dings] 21 00:01:27,208 --> 00:01:29,500 [water dripping] 22 00:01:38,125 --> 00:01:39,875 You probably shouldn't be here. 23 00:01:42,625 --> 00:01:46,291 This is a secret passageway in a restricted area 24 00:01:46,375 --> 00:01:50,708 about one third of the way through a dreadful and upsetting story. 25 00:01:54,958 --> 00:01:56,500 My name is Lemony Snicket. 26 00:01:56,583 --> 00:02:00,416 If you've been following the story as closely as some people have, 27 00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:02,958 then you know that nobody should be here. 28 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:07,291 'Cause everything about the Baudelaires' situation 29 00:02:07,375 --> 00:02:09,083 is horrible to contemplate. 30 00:02:09,166 --> 00:02:10,333 [Mr. Poe coughing] 31 00:02:10,416 --> 00:02:12,208 Everything about the Baudelaires' situation 32 00:02:12,291 --> 00:02:14,833 is delightful to contemplate, Mr. Tamerlane. 33 00:02:14,916 --> 00:02:17,250 If you're interested in stories with a happy ending, 34 00:02:17,333 --> 00:02:19,375 -you've come to the right place. -[Tamerlane on phone] Mm-hmm. 35 00:02:19,458 --> 00:02:22,750 Not only is there a happy ending, there's a happy beginning 36 00:02:22,833 --> 00:02:25,458 and all sorts of happy things in the middle. 37 00:02:25,541 --> 00:02:29,416 It's delightful and educational and it's appropriate for families, 38 00:02:29,500 --> 00:02:32,500 a phrase here which means "delightful and educational..." 39 00:02:32,583 --> 00:02:36,166 It features the three luckiest children, who are darling and precocious, 40 00:02:36,250 --> 00:02:38,166 and have only cheerful things happen to them. 41 00:02:38,250 --> 00:02:42,208 It's called A Pony Party, and I can't put it down, Mr. Tamerlane. 42 00:02:42,291 --> 00:02:44,125 -[coughing] -Poe, are you there? 43 00:02:44,208 --> 00:02:47,291 -Focus, Poe. What about the Baudelaires? -Ah, yes, the Baudelaires. 44 00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:50,291 -Put down the book. [sighs] -I'll put this down. 45 00:02:50,375 --> 00:02:53,166 Surely, as you recall, from the moment I told the Baudelaires 46 00:02:53,250 --> 00:02:55,250 their parents perished in a terrible fire, 47 00:02:55,333 --> 00:02:59,708 they've had exciting adventures in all sorts of exotic locales. 48 00:02:59,791 --> 00:03:02,375 From a house full of snakes in the middle of nowhere, 49 00:03:02,458 --> 00:03:05,416 to a lake full of leeches in the middle of hurricane season, 50 00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,916 and for complicated reasons, a lumber mill. 51 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,291 It's unclear why none of the guardians worked out. 52 00:03:10,375 --> 00:03:12,750 -[both scream] -[laughs hysterically] 53 00:03:12,833 --> 00:03:14,708 [Mr. Poe] The orphans are obsessed with the idea 54 00:03:14,791 --> 00:03:17,541 that an actor named Count Olaf is obsessed with them, 55 00:03:17,625 --> 00:03:19,458 but they can never agree on what he looks like. 56 00:03:20,916 --> 00:03:23,041 I'm unstoppable! 57 00:03:23,625 --> 00:03:25,166 I dropped them off at boarding school, 58 00:03:25,250 --> 00:03:28,375 where they'll receive the best education a heavily reduced tuition can buy. 59 00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:30,875 They're the second set of wealthy orphans I've enrolled there. 60 00:03:30,958 --> 00:03:32,333 I'm sure there's no connection. 61 00:03:32,416 --> 00:03:35,000 With the Baudelaires safe at Prufrock Preparatory School, 62 00:03:35,083 --> 00:03:38,041 I can assure you this bank's troubles are finally over. 63 00:03:38,125 --> 00:03:41,500 -Prufrock Preparatory School? [sighs] -Yes, that's the name I just said. 64 00:03:46,291 --> 00:03:48,833 -Jacquelyn? It's my secretary. -Poe? 65 00:03:48,916 --> 00:03:51,208 She must be taking another unplanned sabbatical 66 00:03:51,291 --> 00:03:52,750 she swears I've authorized. 67 00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:53,666 What a moron. 68 00:03:53,750 --> 00:03:57,125 Yes, it is hard to find good help, Mr. Tamerlane. 69 00:04:02,958 --> 00:04:04,333 [violin playing] 70 00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:12,125 I feel like we've been sitting on this bench for months. 71 00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:13,416 We've been waiting so long, 72 00:04:13,500 --> 00:04:16,125 Sunny's starting to look less like a baby and more like a toddler. 73 00:04:16,208 --> 00:04:17,750 [babbling] 74 00:04:17,833 --> 00:04:20,000 We've been tormented by treachery and villainy. 75 00:04:20,083 --> 00:04:23,166 -Child labor and leeches. -And now, a new school. 76 00:04:23,666 --> 00:04:26,291 Well, the new school hasn't tormented us yet. 77 00:04:26,375 --> 00:04:28,416 -[shoes tapping] -Hello, cake-sniffers! 78 00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:30,666 -Hello, um... -[imitating Violet] "Um..." 79 00:04:30,750 --> 00:04:34,625 Are you a blithering idiot? Everyone knows I'm Carmelita Spats. 80 00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:37,416 I'm Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings Klaus and Sunny. 81 00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:38,708 What does "cake-sniffer" mean? 82 00:04:38,791 --> 00:04:40,291 It means you're stupid cake-sniffers, 83 00:04:40,375 --> 00:04:42,458 but I'm the most special girl in the whole school. 84 00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,541 I'm supposed to give you a tour. 85 00:04:44,625 --> 00:04:48,791 This is Vice Principal Nero's office. He's a genius. He likes me best. 86 00:04:48,875 --> 00:04:52,541 I don't have to wear a uniform 'cause I'm too adorable. Come on. 87 00:04:53,666 --> 00:04:55,458 [Lemony] A school should be a safe place. 88 00:04:55,541 --> 00:04:59,083 Brand new season to explore the mysteries around you. 89 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,333 Come on, cake-sniffers. 90 00:05:01,125 --> 00:05:03,625 -I don't think it's a compliment. -[Klaus groans] 91 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,916 It should be a place to make new friends. 92 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,833 I feel like we've been sitting on this bench for months. 93 00:05:10,125 --> 00:05:14,708 It should be a place of comfort and adventure that feels almost like home, 94 00:05:14,791 --> 00:05:18,458 particularly if your actual home has been destroyed in a fire. 95 00:05:19,250 --> 00:05:23,041 But as you and I know, school is hardly ever like that. 96 00:05:24,583 --> 00:05:27,541 -People are looking at us. -Probably because we're new. 97 00:05:27,625 --> 00:05:30,000 It's because your home was destroyed in a fire. 98 00:05:31,708 --> 00:05:33,333 Like this classroom, 99 00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:36,791 the lives of the Baudelaire orphans may appear to be more or less harmless. 100 00:05:39,208 --> 00:05:40,583 But if you insist on watching, 101 00:05:40,666 --> 00:05:43,583 you should know the motto of Prufrock Preparatory School. 102 00:05:43,666 --> 00:05:47,458 Like many mottoes, it can be found on a variety of surfaces, 103 00:05:47,541 --> 00:05:50,541 from a banner in the school auditorium, 104 00:05:50,625 --> 00:05:53,166 -to the scoreboard of the athletic field. -[crows cawing] 105 00:05:53,250 --> 00:05:56,041 This is the athletic field. Our gym teacher's coaching an away game, 106 00:05:56,125 --> 00:05:59,083 so I get to make people do jumping jacks whenever I want. 107 00:05:59,583 --> 00:06:00,666 "Memento mori." 108 00:06:00,750 --> 00:06:02,458 [Lemony] When you learn what it means, 109 00:06:02,541 --> 00:06:05,375 you will understand why this story can have no happy ending, 110 00:06:06,416 --> 00:06:09,000 the way no story has a happy ending. 111 00:06:09,083 --> 00:06:11,041 What does "memento mori" mean? 112 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:16,500 Remember, you will die. 113 00:06:20,125 --> 00:06:22,791 Larry, thank you for meeting me on such short notice. 114 00:06:22,875 --> 00:06:24,041 That's a handsome wet suit. 115 00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:27,708 I enjoy scuba diving in the off-season. What's the mission? 116 00:06:27,791 --> 00:06:29,500 You take this to the Baudelaires. 117 00:06:29,583 --> 00:06:32,125 It's been annotated with answers to all their questions. 118 00:06:32,208 --> 00:06:35,833 They'll finally learn everything about our secret organization. 119 00:06:35,916 --> 00:06:39,333 But only if you get it to them. You can find them at this location. 120 00:06:41,375 --> 00:06:44,000 -Oh. -You've heard of Prufrock Preparatory? 121 00:06:44,083 --> 00:06:45,500 [Larry] I attended it. 122 00:06:45,583 --> 00:06:48,708 This trip is more than a crucial mission for a secret organization. 123 00:06:48,791 --> 00:06:50,833 -It's a homecoming. -[Jacquelyn] Good luck with that. 124 00:06:50,916 --> 00:06:55,291 [gasps] Prufrock Preparatory School... 125 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,416 Well, well, well. 126 00:06:58,916 --> 00:07:01,041 [Tench] Remember, you will die. 127 00:07:01,125 --> 00:07:03,541 When you die, you won't think of your family. 128 00:07:03,625 --> 00:07:05,750 You won't think of your friends or your career, 129 00:07:05,833 --> 00:07:08,875 or the way the land looks when sun sets behind the mountains. 130 00:07:08,958 --> 00:07:12,708 You'll think of the day we beat another team at sports! 131 00:07:12,791 --> 00:07:15,375 [all chanting] Prufrock! Prufrock! Prufrock! 132 00:07:15,458 --> 00:07:18,583 -Prufrock! Prufrock! -There's somebody in the road. 133 00:07:23,750 --> 00:07:25,083 [brakes screech] 134 00:07:26,458 --> 00:07:28,708 Hi. Uh, my catering truck broke down, 135 00:07:28,791 --> 00:07:31,416 and I need to get to Prufrock Preparatory School right away. 136 00:07:36,375 --> 00:07:38,500 I see you brought something to read. 137 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:41,333 -I never travel without a book. -[Tench scoffs] Nerd. 138 00:07:41,416 --> 00:07:44,791 Now where were we? Right, the complete annihilation of... 139 00:07:44,875 --> 00:07:46,250 [thud] 140 00:07:47,125 --> 00:07:48,291 We must've blown a tire. 141 00:07:49,250 --> 00:07:52,416 I can fix it. I was Coach of the Year, Berlin, '39. 142 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:53,958 I'll be back. 143 00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:56,041 [air whooshing] 144 00:07:56,583 --> 00:07:57,750 Is that a hook? 145 00:07:58,333 --> 00:08:00,750 It certainly is. 146 00:08:01,125 --> 00:08:02,333 I'll take that back now. 147 00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:08,750 What will happen to those members of the pep squad you threw off the bus? 148 00:08:08,833 --> 00:08:10,875 -That gym teacher was crying. -So was the driver. 149 00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:14,750 Ah. That touchy-feely nonsense would never have been tolerated 150 00:08:14,833 --> 00:08:16,458 when I went to Prufrock Prep. 151 00:08:16,541 --> 00:08:19,375 Oh, you attended Prufrock Preparatory? I'm impressed. 152 00:08:19,458 --> 00:08:23,708 You should be. My IQ has been measured in the upper double digits. 153 00:08:23,791 --> 00:08:27,833 This trip is more than just a chance to seize three children 154 00:08:27,916 --> 00:08:29,916 and also their enormous fortune. 155 00:08:31,666 --> 00:08:35,125 It's a homecoming. [chuckles deviously] 156 00:08:39,166 --> 00:08:41,875 I don't know what that building is. I never go in there. 157 00:08:41,958 --> 00:08:43,666 It says, "library." 158 00:08:43,750 --> 00:08:46,125 Only a cake-sniffer would notice something like that. 159 00:08:46,208 --> 00:08:48,208 It's very clearly designated. 160 00:08:49,416 --> 00:08:53,750 Oh! Hello. You must be the new students I've heard so much about. 161 00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:55,916 The Baudelaires, right? [panting] 162 00:08:56,625 --> 00:09:00,833 You shouldn't talk to the library lady, because she smells funny. 163 00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:03,375 Carmelita, always a pleasure. 164 00:09:05,541 --> 00:09:07,083 [shoes tapping] 165 00:09:07,166 --> 00:09:09,916 A library is an island in a vast sea of ignorance. 166 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,833 Particularly if that library is tall and the surrounding area has been flooded. 167 00:09:15,958 --> 00:09:17,125 [shoes tapping] 168 00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:18,583 Let's go! 169 00:09:19,750 --> 00:09:20,666 [Olivia] Well... 170 00:09:26,416 --> 00:09:27,333 come visit. 171 00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:37,875 -[both chuckle] -[violin playing] 172 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,875 Here's Vice Principal Nero's office, 173 00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:45,875 where you were supposed to be ten minutes ago. You're late. 174 00:09:45,958 --> 00:09:47,000 Ahem. 175 00:09:47,083 --> 00:09:48,583 -Ahem? -Ahem. 176 00:09:49,583 --> 00:09:52,041 -Thank you? -Thank you's not enough. 177 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:55,208 It is traditional to give a special tour guide a tip at the end. 178 00:09:55,291 --> 00:09:56,291 A tip? 179 00:09:56,375 --> 00:10:00,166 Yes, a tip! Are you deaf and blind, cake-sniffer? 180 00:10:00,250 --> 00:10:03,666 Who dares to interrupt a genius when he's rehearsing? 181 00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:07,041 It's the Baudelaires. They're late for their appointment. 182 00:10:07,583 --> 00:10:09,458 How dare you be late! 183 00:10:09,958 --> 00:10:14,250 Thank you, Carmelita, for telling me. Oh, that's a nice broach, by the way. 184 00:10:14,333 --> 00:10:17,041 -The original owner really liked it. -Oh. 185 00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:19,541 Whoo! [chuckles] 186 00:10:19,666 --> 00:10:22,583 What a lovely girl. Sweet as a butterscotch buttercup. 187 00:10:22,666 --> 00:10:24,041 She has two living parents. 188 00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,375 Well, come in. I don't have all afternoon. 189 00:10:43,458 --> 00:10:44,458 How do you do? 190 00:10:48,750 --> 00:10:50,750 [playing out of tune] 191 00:11:09,625 --> 00:11:11,458 When you hear an incredible performance, 192 00:11:11,541 --> 00:11:15,208 it's tradition to clap and cheer and yell "Bravo!" 193 00:11:17,125 --> 00:11:18,875 -Yay! -Mmm, bravo. 194 00:11:19,708 --> 00:11:21,875 Thank you. Thank you very much. 195 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,208 And welcome, new students. 196 00:11:25,291 --> 00:11:27,708 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 197 00:11:28,416 --> 00:11:31,083 My name is Vice Principal Nero, and my second-highest concern 198 00:11:31,166 --> 00:11:34,541 is that you uphold the strict standards here at Prufrock. 199 00:11:34,625 --> 00:11:36,041 What's your first-highest concern? 200 00:11:36,125 --> 00:11:37,708 My career as a violinist. 201 00:11:37,791 --> 00:11:39,250 I know all about you. 202 00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:43,208 You've been to guardian after guardian, and adversity has always followed. 203 00:11:43,291 --> 00:11:45,000 Adversity means "trouble," by the way. 204 00:11:45,083 --> 00:11:48,500 In our case, adversity means Count Olaf. He was the cause of all our trouble. 205 00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,708 Here at Prufrock Preparatory School, 206 00:11:50,791 --> 00:11:54,625 there'll be no blaming your own weaknesses on this Count Olaf person. 207 00:11:58,750 --> 00:12:01,500 This is an advanced computer system. Cost an arm and a leg. 208 00:12:01,583 --> 00:12:05,541 But I had the AV club program it to recognize the hallmarks of Count Olaf. 209 00:12:06,125 --> 00:12:07,916 One eyebrow, tattoo on ankle. 210 00:12:08,666 --> 00:12:10,125 [beeps] 211 00:12:10,916 --> 00:12:13,000 [automated voice] This is not Count Olaf. 212 00:12:13,583 --> 00:12:15,666 We'll park it outside the school all semester, 213 00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:16,916 and you'll be safe as peas. 214 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:17,833 [babbles] 215 00:12:17,916 --> 00:12:20,750 I'm not sure an advanced computer will do us much good. 216 00:12:20,833 --> 00:12:23,416 -Olaf is usually in disguise-- -Oh, I shouldn't have bothered. 217 00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:26,041 No way ordinary orphans can understand a genius like me. 218 00:12:26,125 --> 00:12:28,750 Prufrock Prep will take care of that. [chuckles] 219 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:33,166 Prufrock Preparatory has a magnificent dormitory 220 00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:37,458 thanks to a generous grant from our founder, Sir Barrymore Feint. 221 00:12:41,791 --> 00:12:46,291 Inside, there is a huge living room and an ornate cage full of tropical birds 222 00:12:46,375 --> 00:12:48,708 who can land on your finger and learn your name. 223 00:12:48,791 --> 00:12:50,833 -Doesn't it look nice? -It looks more than nice. 224 00:12:50,916 --> 00:12:53,583 It looks better than any place we've lived in a long time. 225 00:12:53,666 --> 00:12:58,166 Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that, although you won't get to see it much. 226 00:12:58,958 --> 00:13:00,333 In order to live in the dormitory, 227 00:13:00,416 --> 00:13:03,375 you must have a permission slip signed by a parent or a guardian, 228 00:13:03,458 --> 00:13:04,666 and your parents are dead. 229 00:13:04,750 --> 00:13:07,541 Mr. Poe tells me your guardians have either been killed or fired you. 230 00:13:07,625 --> 00:13:09,041 Surely Mr. Poe could sign. 231 00:13:09,125 --> 00:13:11,458 [imitating Klaus] "Surely Mr. Poe could sign." He could not. 232 00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:14,208 He is neither your parent nor your guardian. He works at a bank. 233 00:13:14,291 --> 00:13:19,250 I'm afraid that you'll have to live in a small tin shack. 234 00:13:20,875 --> 00:13:23,125 Oh, it's a dismal place. 235 00:13:23,833 --> 00:13:27,708 You'll stay there until we get a new set of orphans. 236 00:13:27,791 --> 00:13:31,250 And then you'll be upgraded to a broom closet. 237 00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:33,833 Why can't you change the rule so everyone lives in a dorm? 238 00:13:33,916 --> 00:13:37,291 [imitating Violet] "Why can't you change the rule so everyone lives in a dorm?" 239 00:13:40,750 --> 00:13:41,708 I don't want to. 240 00:13:42,541 --> 00:13:46,666 Speaking of rules, if either of you are late to your classes, 241 00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:49,625 your hands will be tied behind your back during meals 242 00:13:49,708 --> 00:13:52,458 and you'll have to lean down and eat your food like a dog. 243 00:13:52,541 --> 00:13:56,041 Violet, you will be studying with Mr. Remora in room one, 244 00:13:56,125 --> 00:13:59,333 and Klaus, you will be with Mrs. Bass in room two, 245 00:13:59,416 --> 00:14:01,666 which is easy to remember if you think of Tu B'Shevat, 246 00:14:01,750 --> 00:14:03,375 the Jewish equivalent of Arbor Day. 247 00:14:04,791 --> 00:14:06,291 Thank you. I'll remember. 248 00:14:06,375 --> 00:14:07,625 Which classroom is Sunny's? 249 00:14:07,708 --> 00:14:10,750 I told Mr. Poe that we would have room for a baby here, 250 00:14:10,833 --> 00:14:12,208 but not in a classroom. 251 00:14:13,208 --> 00:14:15,750 I've always wanted an administrative assistant, 252 00:14:15,833 --> 00:14:17,666 but there was never a budget for it. 253 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:19,666 Now, I have Sunny. 254 00:14:21,208 --> 00:14:22,458 Off to your shack! 255 00:14:23,583 --> 00:14:26,541 Genius needs his rehearsal time. Go, go. 256 00:14:27,666 --> 00:14:29,583 [door closes] 257 00:14:30,625 --> 00:14:32,083 [knock at door] 258 00:14:32,875 --> 00:14:34,333 What now? 259 00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:37,375 Children! 260 00:14:38,666 --> 00:14:41,250 Vice Principal Nero, you said you wanted to see us? 261 00:14:41,333 --> 00:14:43,166 We've been waiting for a really long time. 262 00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,333 Come in, come in, come in. 263 00:14:46,416 --> 00:14:51,041 So, orphans, how would you like to move into a broom closet? 264 00:14:58,166 --> 00:15:01,125 This place has hardly changed since I was expelled. 265 00:15:01,208 --> 00:15:03,250 What do you want us to do with the stuff on the bus? 266 00:15:03,333 --> 00:15:04,708 We may have use for it. 267 00:15:04,791 --> 00:15:07,458 Matriculating into Prufrock Prep won't be easy. 268 00:15:07,541 --> 00:15:10,875 I was quite the disciplinary problem during my semester and a half. 269 00:15:10,958 --> 00:15:13,875 You think they'll recognize you and they're still mad? 270 00:15:13,958 --> 00:15:15,541 Why wouldn't they be? 271 00:15:18,166 --> 00:15:20,041 Nothing. No reason. 272 00:15:20,791 --> 00:15:23,750 [chuckles nervously] It was just... It was a long time-- 273 00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:25,791 [Olaf clears throat] 274 00:15:26,583 --> 00:15:28,375 -Let's see what we got. -Let's. 275 00:15:28,458 --> 00:15:30,833 -Mascot costume, front half. -Good. 276 00:15:30,916 --> 00:15:33,208 -Mascot costume, back half. -Better. 277 00:15:33,291 --> 00:15:35,958 -Thirty-two hot dogs, 31 hot dog buns. -Intriguing. 278 00:15:36,041 --> 00:15:38,666 A variety of pennants, cheerleader uniforms, sweaty clothes, 279 00:15:38,750 --> 00:15:40,875 Hula-Hoops and one school banner. 280 00:15:40,958 --> 00:15:42,666 -Okay. -That's everything. 281 00:15:44,791 --> 00:15:45,666 That-- 282 00:15:46,416 --> 00:15:50,583 We are going to hatch a complicated plot, and these are our raw materials? 283 00:15:50,666 --> 00:15:53,125 The hot dogs are actually precooked. 284 00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:57,166 [sighs] Must I do everything myself? 285 00:16:01,083 --> 00:16:03,041 I know you're hiding somewhere. 286 00:16:20,625 --> 00:16:24,750 Well, well. What do we have here? 287 00:16:26,958 --> 00:16:29,500 -You told me you got everything. -We did. 288 00:16:29,583 --> 00:16:31,875 Then explain that... 289 00:16:32,916 --> 00:16:34,250 to these! 290 00:16:36,833 --> 00:16:38,041 [huffs] 291 00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:51,916 Let's move out. Curses! 292 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,125 [automated voice] This is not Count Olaf. 293 00:16:54,208 --> 00:16:56,083 This is going to be harder than I thought. 294 00:16:56,166 --> 00:16:57,125 What do we do? 295 00:16:57,208 --> 00:16:59,166 The same thing that got me through eighth grade. 296 00:16:59,250 --> 00:17:00,958 Find a safe place to hide. 297 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:06,500 [knock at door] 298 00:17:07,791 --> 00:17:09,041 Vice Principal Nero? 299 00:17:09,125 --> 00:17:11,583 I don't mean to interrupt a genius when he's rehearsing-- 300 00:17:11,666 --> 00:17:12,958 I was already interrupted. 301 00:17:13,041 --> 00:17:15,125 I just spent 20 minutes explaining to three orphans 302 00:17:15,208 --> 00:17:17,166 -that they have to live in a shack. -That's awful. 303 00:17:17,250 --> 00:17:18,791 We always put new orphans in the shack. 304 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,875 No, I mean it's awful that it took you 20 minutes to explain it. 305 00:17:24,166 --> 00:17:26,458 -Hmm. Why are you here? -Why are any of us here? 306 00:17:27,375 --> 00:17:29,375 "Life is thickly sown with thorns, 307 00:17:29,458 --> 00:17:32,541 and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them." 308 00:17:32,625 --> 00:17:33,791 Voltaire said that. 309 00:17:33,875 --> 00:17:35,875 I thought we expelled that French kid for smoking. 310 00:17:35,958 --> 00:17:40,125 I'm following up on keeping the library open for more than ten minutes-- 311 00:17:40,208 --> 00:17:41,833 No! Out of the question. 312 00:17:42,416 --> 00:17:44,416 I spent the budget on a violin case with a ruby handle. 313 00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:48,250 But it doesn't cost more money to leave the library door unlocked. 314 00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:51,291 There are other reasons, but I don't have time to explain. 315 00:17:51,375 --> 00:17:52,916 [grunting] Then I'll wait. 316 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,166 [Nero grunts] 317 00:17:56,166 --> 00:17:57,375 [breathing heavily] 318 00:17:58,125 --> 00:17:59,375 Okay. 319 00:18:01,666 --> 00:18:04,416 It's because I don't like you very much. 320 00:18:05,333 --> 00:18:06,333 [squeals] 321 00:18:07,541 --> 00:18:10,041 [panting] My hands are tied on this! 322 00:18:13,541 --> 00:18:14,625 -[gasps] -You dropped this. 323 00:18:15,291 --> 00:18:18,083 I wish I had dropped it right on his head. 324 00:18:18,166 --> 00:18:20,833 Too bad we can't fix stupidity at the vice principal level. 325 00:18:20,916 --> 00:18:23,333 In a world governed by corruption and arrogance, 326 00:18:23,416 --> 00:18:26,750 it can be difficult to stay true to one's literary and philosophical principles. 327 00:18:26,833 --> 00:18:29,333 I've often thought that exact thing. 328 00:18:29,416 --> 00:18:32,458 -Most librarians have. -Oh! How did you know I was a librarian? 329 00:18:32,541 --> 00:18:36,083 There's a certain gleam in the eye indicating a sharp, erudite acumen. 330 00:18:36,166 --> 00:18:37,458 Also, you have a cart of books. 331 00:18:37,541 --> 00:18:39,916 Do you know where I might find three children who recently enrolled? 332 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,916 I do, but I don't think I should share that information 333 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,416 with someone who's not faculty. 334 00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:47,333 -I'm a member of the faculty. -I've never seen you around. 335 00:18:48,208 --> 00:18:50,416 I work in the cafeteria. 336 00:18:51,791 --> 00:18:55,208 Ah. That checks out. I make it a point to never eat there. 337 00:18:55,750 --> 00:18:58,333 -Ah, hello, little girl. -Who said you could speak to me? 338 00:18:58,416 --> 00:18:59,291 [grunts] 339 00:18:59,375 --> 00:19:00,541 [groaning] 340 00:19:03,625 --> 00:19:05,208 [Olivia gasps] 341 00:19:05,291 --> 00:19:08,875 Oh, my! Here. Let me help you. Oh! 342 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,208 -Children can be cruel. -The whole world is cruel. 343 00:19:15,916 --> 00:19:19,416 School is just a microcosm. [grunts] 344 00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:22,000 -Are you sure you're all right? -Why do you ask? 345 00:19:22,083 --> 00:19:23,958 The cafeteria's the other way. 346 00:19:24,041 --> 00:19:25,833 [Larry] But the nurse is this way. 347 00:19:45,958 --> 00:19:48,958 [Lemony] The expression "making a mountain out of a molehill" 348 00:19:49,041 --> 00:19:51,666 simply means making a big deal out of a small deal. 349 00:19:51,750 --> 00:19:54,250 It's easy to see how this expression came about. 350 00:19:54,333 --> 00:19:58,875 Molehills are mounds of earth serving as condominiums for small mammals. 351 00:19:58,958 --> 00:20:01,000 And they have never caused anyone any harm, 352 00:20:01,083 --> 00:20:04,541 except for maybe a stubbed toe if you're being pushed by a bully. 353 00:20:04,625 --> 00:20:06,625 -[boy] Hey! -I hate your face! 354 00:20:06,708 --> 00:20:09,916 Mountains, however, are very large mounds of earth 355 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,833 and are constantly causing problems. 356 00:20:11,916 --> 00:20:15,541 From frostbite to border disputes, hang gliding mishaps. 357 00:20:15,625 --> 00:20:18,166 Which is why when we call something a mountain, 358 00:20:18,541 --> 00:20:21,166 we mean that it is a large amount of trouble. 359 00:20:23,166 --> 00:20:26,666 When Nero described the shack where the Baudelaires were living, 360 00:20:26,750 --> 00:20:29,208 he was not making a mountain out of a molehill. 361 00:20:30,416 --> 00:20:32,500 -If anything... -It's small. 362 00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:34,583 Even for a shack. 363 00:20:35,166 --> 00:20:37,750 ...he was making a molehill out of a mountain. 364 00:20:37,833 --> 00:20:40,250 -Uh, crabs! -[Violet] Our shack has crabs! 365 00:20:47,125 --> 00:20:48,416 Fungus. 366 00:20:49,291 --> 00:20:51,500 Our shack has dripping fungus. 367 00:20:58,166 --> 00:20:59,458 [babbles] 368 00:20:59,541 --> 00:21:02,333 -Their shack had misinformation. -[bell dings] 369 00:21:04,333 --> 00:21:05,250 [Klaus sighs] 370 00:21:08,250 --> 00:21:10,291 -This is ridiculous. -We can fix it up a little. 371 00:21:10,375 --> 00:21:12,125 I don't mean this shack, I mean this school. 372 00:21:12,750 --> 00:21:14,791 Orphans shouldn't be punished for not having parents. 373 00:21:14,875 --> 00:21:16,958 And who ties people's hands behind their backs to eat? 374 00:21:17,041 --> 00:21:20,000 I know, but we have to think about the bigger picture. 375 00:21:20,083 --> 00:21:22,333 Our parents were part of something. Our guardians, too. 376 00:21:22,416 --> 00:21:24,583 It might be why these terrible things keep happening. 377 00:21:24,666 --> 00:21:26,208 We'll never find out if we're stuck here. 378 00:21:26,916 --> 00:21:29,000 This is a school. Let's see what we can learn. 379 00:21:43,250 --> 00:21:45,250 [owl hoots] 380 00:21:46,458 --> 00:21:48,708 [rooster crows] 381 00:21:51,375 --> 00:21:53,916 Good morning, class, including our latest orphan. 382 00:21:59,583 --> 00:22:02,250 My name is Mr. Remora, and today, for language arts, 383 00:22:02,333 --> 00:22:06,458 I will continue telling anecdotes from my own life that I find amusing. 384 00:22:06,541 --> 00:22:09,416 You'll take notes, and there will be a test. 385 00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:11,541 Okay, one day, I think it was a Tuesday, 386 00:22:11,625 --> 00:22:14,541 I was in the mood for macaroni and cheese, so I said to myself, 387 00:22:14,625 --> 00:22:18,208 "Today, Tuesday, I think I'll have some macaroni and cheese." 388 00:22:18,291 --> 00:22:20,416 It's important to remember it wasn't elbow macaroni 389 00:22:20,500 --> 00:22:23,833 or the decorative butterfly kind, or even the tube-shaped macaroni. 390 00:22:23,916 --> 00:22:25,333 Indeed, it was not... 391 00:22:25,416 --> 00:22:29,166 Good morning, children. May I have your undivided attention? 392 00:22:29,875 --> 00:22:32,416 And that includes you, Daniel. 393 00:22:34,083 --> 00:22:37,000 I understand we have a brand new orphan today. 394 00:22:41,625 --> 00:22:45,750 It must be difficult for you to measure how unhappy you are without your parents, 395 00:22:45,833 --> 00:22:46,750 but we're gonna try. 396 00:22:47,458 --> 00:22:49,500 My name is Mrs. Bass, 397 00:22:49,583 --> 00:22:52,125 and we'll continue our lessons on the metric system 398 00:22:52,208 --> 00:22:53,916 by measuring various objects. 399 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:55,708 Later we'll have a quiz. 400 00:22:55,791 --> 00:22:59,000 The first thing to measure is this jar of mayonnaise 401 00:22:59,083 --> 00:23:00,958 I found in my garage. 402 00:23:01,708 --> 00:23:02,541 [Nero] Next letter. 403 00:23:02,625 --> 00:23:05,666 -"Dear Juilliard School of Music, -[keys clacking] 404 00:23:06,375 --> 00:23:11,625 I was confused by your restraining order of October 13th." 405 00:23:11,708 --> 00:23:13,541 Faster! You type like a one-year-old! 406 00:23:15,208 --> 00:23:16,208 Where was I? 407 00:23:17,458 --> 00:23:20,041 "Dear Juilliard School of Music, 408 00:23:21,083 --> 00:23:26,500 I was baffled by your restraining order of October the 13th. 409 00:23:26,583 --> 00:23:27,875 What did I do?" 410 00:23:28,458 --> 00:23:29,958 [Carmelita] Call those jumping jacks? 411 00:23:30,041 --> 00:23:33,000 I've seen better jumping jacks from old people! 412 00:23:33,541 --> 00:23:37,125 Hiding under the bleachers again, just like so many youthful days 413 00:23:37,208 --> 00:23:40,500 spent hatching plans and looking for cigarette butts. 414 00:23:41,166 --> 00:23:43,333 Were you unpopular? I know how that feels. 415 00:23:43,416 --> 00:23:45,625 No. I was a rebel. 416 00:23:45,708 --> 00:23:49,291 -I bet people were jealous of your looks. -Unless you were a late bloomer. 417 00:23:49,375 --> 00:23:51,541 I was not a late bloomer. 418 00:23:51,625 --> 00:23:53,791 Girls were falling all over me in school, 419 00:23:53,875 --> 00:23:56,375 and not just because I extended my leg when they walked by. 420 00:23:56,458 --> 00:24:01,625 I was a lone wolf, a mysterious stranger, a member of the drama club. 421 00:24:01,708 --> 00:24:02,833 Mmm. 422 00:24:02,916 --> 00:24:05,458 This school is obviously desperate for my return, 423 00:24:05,541 --> 00:24:09,083 but that advanced computer prevents us from waltzing in the front door. 424 00:24:09,166 --> 00:24:11,208 We need someone on the inside, 425 00:24:11,291 --> 00:24:15,791 a student who will help us infiltrate, if infiltrate is what I mean. 426 00:24:15,875 --> 00:24:19,125 Do you mean "to penetrate an institution surreptitiously"? 427 00:24:19,208 --> 00:24:20,583 What kid's gonna help us? 428 00:24:21,375 --> 00:24:22,750 [Carmelita] Hey, cake-sniffer! 429 00:24:22,833 --> 00:24:25,708 You're as ugly as something I found in my teeth recently! 430 00:24:26,250 --> 00:24:27,500 Little girl. 431 00:24:28,708 --> 00:24:32,416 -[Carmelita] Little girl? I'm 4' 7". -[chuckles] 432 00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:34,750 That's a pretty broach you have. 433 00:24:37,458 --> 00:24:40,083 -Make me an offer. -I like you. 434 00:24:40,166 --> 00:24:43,291 -You're not an orphan, are you? -Do I look like I live in a shack? 435 00:24:43,375 --> 00:24:45,000 Mmm. 436 00:24:45,333 --> 00:24:47,541 Meet me under the bleachers after school. 437 00:24:53,458 --> 00:24:56,500 -How was your day? -I heard nothing but pointless stories. 438 00:24:56,583 --> 00:24:57,916 That's language arts. 439 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,208 I spent the morning writing meaningless measurements. 440 00:25:00,291 --> 00:25:02,125 That's math. How was work? 441 00:25:02,875 --> 00:25:04,375 [babbles] 442 00:25:07,166 --> 00:25:09,375 We've been in class all day but haven't learned a thing. 443 00:25:09,458 --> 00:25:11,750 There has to be someone who can answer all our questions. 444 00:25:11,833 --> 00:25:14,541 -Hello, I'm Larry, your waiter. -We know you. 445 00:25:14,625 --> 00:25:17,250 Of course you do. I work in the cafeteria. See my hairnet? 446 00:25:17,333 --> 00:25:20,250 We've met before. You were the waiter at Lake Lachrymose. 447 00:25:20,333 --> 00:25:22,291 -You were dressed as a clown. -You gave us peppermints. 448 00:25:22,375 --> 00:25:25,708 Uh, peppermints are not a recognized part of the lunch program, 449 00:25:25,791 --> 00:25:27,375 but I do have something to give you. 450 00:25:27,458 --> 00:25:29,458 -Does it have to do with our parents? -Our guardians? 451 00:25:29,541 --> 00:25:31,541 [babbling] 452 00:25:31,625 --> 00:25:34,750 All your questions will be answered as soon as I give you... 453 00:25:38,083 --> 00:25:41,250 [stammering] Wait, I'm sure it's in here somewhere. 454 00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:44,625 Out of my way. 455 00:25:44,708 --> 00:25:47,125 I deserve a heaping portion because I'm heapingly adorable. 456 00:25:47,208 --> 00:25:50,958 -You can wait in line like everyone else. -Where is it? Where is it? 457 00:25:51,041 --> 00:25:53,791 I don't have to. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. 458 00:25:53,875 --> 00:25:55,500 Vice Principal Nero likes me best, 459 00:25:55,583 --> 00:25:59,750 and there's a beef and bean burrito with a ribbon on it just for me. 460 00:25:59,833 --> 00:26:03,041 [stuttering] This is my lunch that I brought from home. 461 00:26:03,125 --> 00:26:05,041 -What did you have for us? -Give it to me. 462 00:26:06,208 --> 00:26:07,916 Explain how adorable I am! 463 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,708 -Look at her pinafore! -Look at her pretty face! 464 00:26:11,458 --> 00:26:14,083 -Sorry. I have to look for something. -What were you gonna give us? 465 00:26:14,166 --> 00:26:15,125 Uh... 466 00:26:18,625 --> 00:26:21,916 Macaroni and cheese... and boiled wieners! 467 00:26:22,666 --> 00:26:24,166 No, thank you. 468 00:26:30,583 --> 00:26:32,583 [flies buzzing] 469 00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:35,250 [Sunny babbling] 470 00:26:35,875 --> 00:26:37,833 I guess they were late to class. 471 00:26:37,916 --> 00:26:40,708 [Klaus] As if eating cafeteria food isn't punishing enough. 472 00:26:40,791 --> 00:26:43,250 Baudelaires, there's seats at my table, 473 00:26:43,333 --> 00:26:47,958 but I'm afraid it's a cake-sniffer-free zone. 474 00:26:48,041 --> 00:26:52,916 Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack! Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack! 475 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:57,958 [students] Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack! 476 00:26:58,041 --> 00:27:00,416 Leave them alone. You're the cake-sniffer. 477 00:27:00,500 --> 00:27:03,208 Nobody in their right mind would want to eat with you. 478 00:27:04,500 --> 00:27:05,875 Come sit with us. 479 00:27:07,416 --> 00:27:08,791 You'll have to forgive Carmelita. 480 00:27:08,875 --> 00:27:11,958 She's so awful, Mrs. Bass is considering a life of crime. 481 00:27:12,041 --> 00:27:13,666 My sister wrote a poem about her. 482 00:27:13,750 --> 00:27:18,083 "I would rather eat a bowl of vampire bats than spend an hour with Carmelita Spats." 483 00:27:18,166 --> 00:27:22,583 -That's a couplet. Ogden Nash uses them. -I know. I've read all of his work. 484 00:27:23,208 --> 00:27:25,291 I'm Isadora Quagmire, and this is my brother Duncan. 485 00:27:25,375 --> 00:27:28,208 I'm Violet Baudelaire, and this is Klaus and Sunny. 486 00:27:28,291 --> 00:27:29,500 Nice to meet you. 487 00:27:32,541 --> 00:27:34,250 [babbling] 488 00:27:34,333 --> 00:27:37,000 We should warn you, the apples taste like horseradish. 489 00:27:37,083 --> 00:27:39,000 Everything seems distasteful in this place. 490 00:27:39,583 --> 00:27:41,166 I hope you're surviving the Orphan Shack. 491 00:27:41,250 --> 00:27:43,708 It's pretty awful. We were living there until yesterday. 492 00:27:43,791 --> 00:27:44,750 You're orphans? 493 00:27:45,500 --> 00:27:49,291 We lost our parents in a terrible fire. And our brother, Quigley. 494 00:27:49,375 --> 00:27:50,625 We were triplets. 495 00:27:50,708 --> 00:27:54,875 -We're sorry to hear that. -We lost our parents in a fire as well. 496 00:27:56,208 --> 00:28:00,083 It's not fair. One minute you're safe and happy and... 497 00:28:02,125 --> 00:28:05,083 -home, and the next-- -You're in a shack full of crabs. 498 00:28:05,833 --> 00:28:09,125 We can do something about the crabs. How did you deal with them? 499 00:28:09,208 --> 00:28:12,000 We taped metal to our shoes to be extra noisy. 500 00:28:12,083 --> 00:28:15,416 It scared the crabs, but it was exhausting to tap dance all the time. 501 00:28:15,500 --> 00:28:16,791 Nobody likes tap dancing. 502 00:28:16,875 --> 00:28:18,291 -[tapping] -Cake-sniffing orphans 503 00:28:18,375 --> 00:28:19,708 in the Orphan Shack! 504 00:28:19,791 --> 00:28:22,666 Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack! 505 00:28:24,583 --> 00:28:27,708 She's been even worse since Nero got her those shoes. 506 00:28:27,791 --> 00:28:29,916 I can invent something less exhausting than tap shoes. 507 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:32,333 I'll need materials. Can everybody empty their pockets? 508 00:28:51,458 --> 00:28:52,375 [babbles] 509 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:54,666 [both] Where did you get that? 510 00:28:54,750 --> 00:28:56,666 From the ruins of our parents' home. 511 00:29:00,458 --> 00:29:02,458 I think we need to talk. 512 00:29:05,916 --> 00:29:08,500 [Duncan] We found it in the ashes. We'd never seen it before. 513 00:29:08,583 --> 00:29:11,875 Can't be a coincidence. Two fires, two halves of a spyglass. 514 00:29:11,958 --> 00:29:13,500 I think it's more than a spyglass. 515 00:29:13,583 --> 00:29:16,875 There are dials, similar to ones I read about for cracking codes. 516 00:29:16,958 --> 00:29:19,166 Why would our parents have a device for cracking codes? 517 00:29:19,250 --> 00:29:21,708 [Klaus] Why would ours have the same device? 518 00:29:21,791 --> 00:29:22,958 They must've known each other. 519 00:29:23,041 --> 00:29:26,375 Why don't we know each other? It's like they were hiding all this stuff. 520 00:29:26,458 --> 00:29:27,458 [Violet] Thanks, Sunny. 521 00:29:28,958 --> 00:29:32,208 Maybe they were gonna tell us, but never got the chance. 522 00:29:32,291 --> 00:29:35,375 -Maybe they were hiding it for a reason. -[Isadora] Because it's dangerous? 523 00:29:35,458 --> 00:29:37,458 Maybe. You're sure you've never heard of Count Olaf? 524 00:29:37,541 --> 00:29:40,291 I'm sure. But since we lost our parents, 525 00:29:40,375 --> 00:29:42,000 we've seen things we can't explain. 526 00:29:42,083 --> 00:29:44,250 Us, too. It has to be connected. 527 00:29:53,791 --> 00:29:54,875 That's a little better. 528 00:29:57,375 --> 00:30:00,375 It's scaring the crabs and it gives the place a little style. 529 00:30:00,458 --> 00:30:01,416 That's a lot better. 530 00:30:03,583 --> 00:30:07,250 At Aunt Josephine's, we found a book that might contain some answers. 531 00:30:07,333 --> 00:30:09,666 We lost it in a hurricane before we could read it. 532 00:30:09,750 --> 00:30:10,708 Did it look like this? 533 00:30:10,791 --> 00:30:13,791 Our last guardian locked it in a safe after she lost her wife. 534 00:30:14,250 --> 00:30:16,666 If we saw the same book, there has to be more copies. 535 00:30:16,750 --> 00:30:19,041 -How can we find one? -Is the library open? 536 00:30:19,125 --> 00:30:20,541 [sighs] Not for long. 537 00:30:20,625 --> 00:30:23,166 Get out of here. Give this a decent burial. 538 00:30:23,250 --> 00:30:25,125 You told me you like To Kill a Mockingbird, 539 00:30:25,208 --> 00:30:26,333 so I did it for you. 540 00:30:26,416 --> 00:30:27,875 This is your last chance. 541 00:30:27,958 --> 00:30:28,791 Next time, I call your mother 542 00:30:28,875 --> 00:30:30,958 -and steal your shoes. -[sniffing] 543 00:30:34,541 --> 00:30:37,750 I smell people who lost their parents in fires. 544 00:30:37,833 --> 00:30:38,916 -[chuckles] -[sighs] 545 00:30:40,916 --> 00:30:43,750 Quagmires and the Baudelaires. 546 00:30:43,833 --> 00:30:46,500 Lovely to see you, and together, I might add. 547 00:30:46,583 --> 00:30:47,500 Are you still open? 548 00:30:47,583 --> 00:30:50,666 I'm afraid I was just locking up. Ten minutes goes by fast. 549 00:30:50,750 --> 00:30:54,041 -You can come back tomorrow. -We can't wait. Please. 550 00:30:54,125 --> 00:30:55,791 -We're trying to find a book. -An important book. 551 00:30:55,875 --> 00:30:56,958 It might have the answers 552 00:30:57,041 --> 00:30:58,750 -to all of our questions. -What's the title? 553 00:30:58,833 --> 00:31:01,000 The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations. 554 00:31:01,666 --> 00:31:03,250 Let me see what I can do. 555 00:31:08,041 --> 00:31:11,291 We only have a few minutes before Nero comes on his rounds. 556 00:31:11,375 --> 00:31:14,208 If he catches you, he'll make you trim his toenails. 557 00:31:14,291 --> 00:31:15,666 -He wouldn't. -He would. 558 00:31:15,750 --> 00:31:16,958 [both] He would. 559 00:31:17,041 --> 00:31:19,125 You don't happen to know its Dewey Decimal number? 560 00:31:19,208 --> 00:31:20,708 We don't even know who wrote it. 561 00:31:20,791 --> 00:31:23,083 That's okay. That's what I'm here for. 562 00:31:25,041 --> 00:31:30,250 Let's see. Incomplete History of Secret Organizations, The. 563 00:31:33,375 --> 00:31:34,208 [sighs] 564 00:31:37,250 --> 00:31:39,125 -I'm sorry. -You don't have it. 565 00:31:39,208 --> 00:31:41,583 Due to budget cuts, crumbling infrastructure, 566 00:31:41,666 --> 00:31:43,666 and the priorities of a certain vice principal, 567 00:31:43,750 --> 00:31:46,916 this place has become something of a faltering institution. 568 00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:50,458 Although, I do have a few other books that I think you might like. 569 00:31:52,083 --> 00:31:54,250 The Incomplete History of Treachery? 570 00:31:56,958 --> 00:32:00,375 The Incomplete History of Pretentiousness? [grunts] 571 00:32:02,500 --> 00:32:04,958 Or, The Incomplete History of History? 572 00:32:07,625 --> 00:32:09,750 That does sound fascinating, but... 573 00:32:10,833 --> 00:32:11,958 I know. 574 00:32:12,875 --> 00:32:15,375 In every library, there is a single book 575 00:32:15,458 --> 00:32:18,833 to answer the question that burns like a fire in the mind. 576 00:32:18,916 --> 00:32:20,666 Where did you hear that? 577 00:32:20,750 --> 00:32:23,083 I don't know. I must have read it somewhere. Why? 578 00:32:24,416 --> 00:32:25,958 Our father said that once. 579 00:32:27,291 --> 00:32:30,541 It's awful to have people missing from your life. 580 00:32:30,625 --> 00:32:33,083 It's like a question that haunts you, 581 00:32:33,166 --> 00:32:36,083 and you never know if that question will ever be answered. 582 00:32:36,666 --> 00:32:39,791 We think it might be, with the right book. 583 00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:41,208 I see. 584 00:32:42,083 --> 00:32:44,916 Well, a friend of mine is sending me some new titles 585 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:48,416 now that she's abandoned her dissertation to become a welterweight boxer. 586 00:32:48,500 --> 00:32:51,708 I'll ask her about it. Check back with me in a day or so. 587 00:32:53,250 --> 00:32:54,500 Mind if we have a look around? 588 00:32:54,583 --> 00:32:55,583 [dings] 589 00:32:56,500 --> 00:32:57,708 -Drat. -[Isadora] Drat? 590 00:32:57,791 --> 00:33:00,666 -Vice Principal Nero will be here in-- -[door opens] 591 00:33:00,750 --> 00:33:02,333 [imitating Olivia] "Vice Principal Nero will be here." 592 00:33:02,416 --> 00:33:06,083 Vice Principal Nero is already here, and this library is supposed to be closed! 593 00:33:06,833 --> 00:33:10,416 It is closed, and it's empty. You must be having a bad dream. 594 00:33:12,541 --> 00:33:14,833 -That only worked on me once. -Darn it. 595 00:33:14,916 --> 00:33:17,375 Report to the athletic field in ten minutes. 596 00:33:17,458 --> 00:33:18,541 Attendance is mandatory. 597 00:33:18,625 --> 00:33:23,333 Mandatory means "anyone who doesn't come has to buy me candy and watch me eat it." 598 00:33:23,416 --> 00:33:25,500 -[Klaus and Violet] He wouldn't. -[Duncan and Isadora] He would. 599 00:33:25,583 --> 00:33:27,291 I would. [chuckles] 600 00:33:28,875 --> 00:33:30,500 This is a very exciting day for me, 601 00:33:30,583 --> 00:33:33,041 so you orphans and you twins should be excited. 602 00:33:33,125 --> 00:33:34,875 The Quagmires are triplets. 603 00:33:34,958 --> 00:33:37,791 "Twins" is what you call triplets when one has burned to a crisp. 604 00:33:37,875 --> 00:33:41,125 If you'll excuse me, I have to get my violin for the pep rally. 605 00:33:41,666 --> 00:33:43,916 Welcome to Prufrock Prep, Baudelaires. 606 00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:47,291 In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance, 607 00:33:47,375 --> 00:33:51,791 it can be difficult to stay true to one's philosophical and literary principles. 608 00:33:52,291 --> 00:33:53,375 We wholeheartedly agree. 609 00:33:53,458 --> 00:33:55,750 All decent people do. 610 00:33:56,208 --> 00:33:57,583 [Klaus] I wanted to find that book. 611 00:33:57,666 --> 00:33:59,416 We still could. We'll make a plan. 612 00:33:59,500 --> 00:34:01,541 I don't know what's worse, the word "pep" or "rally." 613 00:34:01,625 --> 00:34:04,166 -They last for hours. -We'll sneak in some fruit. 614 00:34:04,250 --> 00:34:06,750 -We'll bring some for you, too. -Thank you. 615 00:34:06,833 --> 00:34:09,333 It's no trouble. Our broom closet's next to the fruit bowl. 616 00:34:09,416 --> 00:34:13,041 I don't mean for the fruit. I mean for making us feel at home. 617 00:34:13,125 --> 00:34:14,833 We haven't felt at home for a long time. 618 00:34:15,375 --> 00:34:16,916 I'm sure you already know. 619 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:19,250 -What? -What friends are for. 620 00:34:20,958 --> 00:34:21,875 See you soon. 621 00:34:27,458 --> 00:34:29,875 [Larry] Remember what you learned in lock-picking school. 622 00:34:29,958 --> 00:34:34,208 You have to break in, get the book, give it to the Baudelaires, quit your job, 623 00:34:34,291 --> 00:34:36,625 then you never have to come back to this school again. 624 00:34:36,708 --> 00:34:39,000 -Unless it's a reunion. -You're breaking in. 625 00:34:39,083 --> 00:34:41,916 Uh, no, I'm not. I mean, it's okay, I'm a grown-up. 626 00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:44,125 -I'm telling Nero. -You don't have to do that. 627 00:34:44,208 --> 00:34:47,625 All I have to do is scream and he'll fire you on the spot. 628 00:34:47,708 --> 00:34:49,875 Unless you give me something. 629 00:34:49,958 --> 00:34:52,458 I already gave you half of my burrito. 630 00:34:53,666 --> 00:34:54,750 [screaming] 631 00:34:54,833 --> 00:34:56,250 Fine, fine! 632 00:34:56,333 --> 00:34:58,833 Tell me what you want, what you really, really want. 633 00:34:59,166 --> 00:35:01,291 Oh, I'll tell you what I want, 634 00:35:02,083 --> 00:35:06,250 what I really, really want. 635 00:35:10,291 --> 00:35:11,708 [school bell rings] 636 00:35:16,291 --> 00:35:18,791 Hello, hello, hello. 637 00:35:20,166 --> 00:35:23,833 What are helpless orphans like you doing in a place like this? 638 00:35:24,458 --> 00:35:27,333 -Who are you? -Don't pretend this handsome face 639 00:35:27,416 --> 00:35:30,333 doesn't haunt your every waking and sleeping hour. 640 00:35:30,416 --> 00:35:32,333 You will never be rid of me. 641 00:35:32,416 --> 00:35:34,083 You'll never be safe. 642 00:35:34,166 --> 00:35:39,458 So much to learn, orphans, and I am here to school you. [chuckles] 643 00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:42,208 The three of you better... Wait. 644 00:35:42,791 --> 00:35:45,708 You two better... Wait. Where's the midget? 645 00:35:46,041 --> 00:35:47,000 One, two... 646 00:35:49,375 --> 00:35:51,166 You're not the Baudelaires. Who are you? 647 00:35:51,250 --> 00:35:52,791 Who are you, you miscreant? 648 00:35:53,916 --> 00:35:55,791 Miscreant? 649 00:35:56,500 --> 00:36:00,041 Oh, I know who you are now. 650 00:36:00,125 --> 00:36:03,666 -You sound just like your mother, Quigley. -Duncan. 651 00:36:03,750 --> 00:36:08,083 [scoffs] "You miscreant, never again will you darken the doors of this hangar." 652 00:36:08,166 --> 00:36:09,666 Such a tiresome woman. 653 00:36:09,750 --> 00:36:13,375 Always reading Italian poetry and activating trap doors. 654 00:36:13,458 --> 00:36:17,000 -How do you know our mother? -Oh, I know everything, orphans. 655 00:36:17,083 --> 00:36:20,125 I know the number of hairs on each of your heads, 656 00:36:20,208 --> 00:36:22,666 the number of sapphires in your secret vaults. 657 00:36:22,750 --> 00:36:26,000 The number of tombstones in your family plots. 658 00:36:26,083 --> 00:36:30,500 Well, well, it seems this trip to Prufrock will bring me twice the fortune. 659 00:36:30,583 --> 00:36:33,125 And there's nobody who can stop me. 660 00:36:33,208 --> 00:36:36,083 [Larry] Give me back my burrito, you miscreant! 661 00:36:36,166 --> 00:36:38,875 Larry? What... [sighs] 662 00:36:42,375 --> 00:36:45,041 [groans and sighs] 663 00:36:46,083 --> 00:36:48,750 -One eyebrow. -I bet he has a tattoo on his ankle. 664 00:36:48,833 --> 00:36:51,333 We have to warn the Baudelaires something terrible is going to happen, 665 00:36:51,416 --> 00:36:53,166 and I don't mean a pep rally. 666 00:36:53,250 --> 00:36:54,166 [violin playing] 667 00:36:57,708 --> 00:37:00,458 Get moving. I'm talking to you, cheerleaders. 668 00:37:00,541 --> 00:37:02,125 Get your costume on, mascot! 669 00:37:02,750 --> 00:37:05,375 Step lively, health and hygiene instructor. 670 00:37:05,458 --> 00:37:09,791 I prefer the term interdisciplinary gender studies. 671 00:37:11,833 --> 00:37:12,750 [clears throat] 672 00:37:13,875 --> 00:37:15,125 [breathing heavily] 673 00:37:15,208 --> 00:37:18,375 -Why won't you leave me alone? -I'm still hungry. 674 00:37:18,458 --> 00:37:21,625 I gave you my burrito. We agreed that was fair. 675 00:37:21,708 --> 00:37:23,333 I'm hungry for revenge. 676 00:37:24,125 --> 00:37:26,625 -What? -You made me suffer long enough. 677 00:37:27,208 --> 00:37:28,958 The menu is chosen by the school district. 678 00:37:29,041 --> 00:37:31,458 For years you've infiltrated my schemes, 679 00:37:31,541 --> 00:37:35,375 relying on morals and literature to muck up my life. 680 00:37:35,458 --> 00:37:39,750 Well, these are your victoriously final days. 681 00:37:39,833 --> 00:37:41,875 I have no idea what you're talking about. 682 00:37:43,166 --> 00:37:46,041 -How did I do? -Those last few lines were for me. 683 00:37:46,125 --> 00:37:48,791 -I'm so adorable when I say them. -But theater is about context. 684 00:37:48,875 --> 00:37:53,000 -Let's take it from the flop. -"Flop"? Take it from the top. 685 00:37:53,083 --> 00:37:55,541 Never mind. The adults are speaking. 686 00:37:55,625 --> 00:37:57,041 All right, fine. [grunts] 687 00:37:59,125 --> 00:38:00,958 Working with kids, am I right? 688 00:38:01,041 --> 00:38:03,208 No. You're wrong about everything. 689 00:38:04,208 --> 00:38:06,750 Same goody-goody moral stance, I see. 690 00:38:06,833 --> 00:38:08,333 The only thing that's changed is your hair. 691 00:38:08,416 --> 00:38:11,833 It's a hairnet, as required by the Department of Education. 692 00:38:11,916 --> 00:38:14,416 In our organization, that's called successful infiltration. 693 00:38:14,500 --> 00:38:17,541 I learned what that word means, but then I forgot. 694 00:38:17,625 --> 00:38:21,541 All you need to remember is that we're one step ahead of you. 695 00:38:21,625 --> 00:38:24,625 Strong words coming from someone who's scrubbing a lasagna pan. 696 00:38:27,958 --> 00:38:29,708 Cannelloni. 697 00:38:29,791 --> 00:38:32,333 You wouldn't dare. This is dry-clean only. 698 00:38:32,416 --> 00:38:33,458 You're in luck, 699 00:38:33,541 --> 00:38:36,541 -because we're taking you to the cleaners. -[grunts] 700 00:38:38,541 --> 00:38:40,583 -[grunting] -I don't know how you got in here. 701 00:38:40,666 --> 00:38:41,958 A girl propped open the door. 702 00:38:42,041 --> 00:38:44,958 -But we're sending you back out. -What do you mean, "we"? 703 00:38:45,041 --> 00:38:48,208 The pronoun for first person plural. I'm not working alone. 704 00:38:48,291 --> 00:38:51,666 Oh, goodness me, you have comrades. You have cohorts. 705 00:38:51,750 --> 00:38:53,625 Why didn't I think of that? 706 00:38:53,708 --> 00:38:56,791 -En garde! -That's French for "We gotcha!" 707 00:38:56,875 --> 00:38:58,750 Do you think you can win? 708 00:38:58,833 --> 00:39:02,791 [chuckles] Totally. 709 00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:06,041 And do you know why? 710 00:39:06,125 --> 00:39:08,666 You may have the smarts and the skills. 711 00:39:08,750 --> 00:39:12,916 You may have the classified codes and secret libraries. 712 00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:17,791 You may have the wisdom and integrity and various poems committed to memory. 713 00:39:17,875 --> 00:39:21,041 -But do you know what I have? -What? 714 00:39:23,750 --> 00:39:25,416 -Line. -A jeweled... 715 00:39:26,500 --> 00:39:28,708 A jeweled broach! 716 00:39:28,791 --> 00:39:29,666 What? 717 00:39:30,291 --> 00:39:33,750 Yes, a jeweled... Wait, what? [stammers] A... That's... 718 00:39:33,833 --> 00:39:39,083 A plan! I have a plan! You are not much of a spy, Barry. 719 00:39:39,166 --> 00:39:40,708 Larry, your waiter. 720 00:39:41,458 --> 00:39:44,791 You know what they say about the food service industry. 721 00:39:44,875 --> 00:39:47,833 It's a cold, cold business. 722 00:39:47,916 --> 00:39:49,708 -[Olaf laughing] -[Larry grunts] 723 00:39:54,375 --> 00:39:57,583 Now we've got to rally ourselves. 724 00:39:58,458 --> 00:40:00,375 [chuckling deviously] 725 00:40:00,458 --> 00:40:02,166 -Pruf... -[students] Rock! 726 00:40:02,250 --> 00:40:07,375 [chanting] Prufrock! Prufrock! Prufrock! Prufrock! 727 00:40:07,458 --> 00:40:09,541 -Baudelaires! -We think you're in danger. 728 00:40:09,625 --> 00:40:10,458 What's wrong? 729 00:40:10,541 --> 00:40:13,333 The Baudelaires are in no danger at all. 730 00:40:13,416 --> 00:40:15,791 In fact, my wife just dropped by the office 731 00:40:15,875 --> 00:40:18,666 with an advance copy of today's Daily Punctilio, 732 00:40:18,750 --> 00:40:21,458 and wait till you see the headlines. 733 00:40:21,541 --> 00:40:22,375 [phone rings] 734 00:40:23,500 --> 00:40:25,833 -Hello? -[Larry] This is Larry, your waiter. 735 00:40:28,250 --> 00:40:30,458 You sound cold. Are you in the mountains? 736 00:40:30,541 --> 00:40:32,666 We're not due there until the end of the season. 737 00:40:32,750 --> 00:40:36,083 -Did you deliver the book? -[shivering] I had some complications. 738 00:40:36,750 --> 00:40:37,625 Yes. 739 00:40:38,250 --> 00:40:40,333 Yes. They even took my hairnet. 740 00:40:40,416 --> 00:40:42,583 They'll stop at nothing. You must be freezing. 741 00:40:42,666 --> 00:40:45,416 Try jumping, or reciting a Jack London story. 742 00:40:45,500 --> 00:40:48,500 [stutters] Oh, that's a good idea. Would you mind sending-- 743 00:40:48,583 --> 00:40:50,916 Yes, of course. I'll call you a taxi. 744 00:40:52,416 --> 00:40:53,708 [shivering] 745 00:41:03,125 --> 00:41:05,416 -[Tamerlane] Poe, are you there? Focus. -Oh, what? 746 00:41:05,500 --> 00:41:08,541 No. Sorry, Mr. Tamerlane. It was just my receptionist. 747 00:41:08,625 --> 00:41:10,958 You know how it is with assistants. 748 00:41:11,041 --> 00:41:13,958 Every so often, their phone rings and they dive under their desks, 749 00:41:14,041 --> 00:41:17,083 apparently to retrieve a pen that they've dropped. 750 00:41:18,333 --> 00:41:21,250 -Again. -Snicket? Someone needs a ride, and quick. 751 00:41:21,333 --> 00:41:24,375 [Jacques] Got it. Of course. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. 752 00:41:24,458 --> 00:41:26,125 -The world... -Is quiet here. 753 00:41:26,791 --> 00:41:28,291 [Lemony] The world is quiet here. 754 00:41:28,375 --> 00:41:32,833 This might sound curious, like the motto of a secret organization, 755 00:41:32,916 --> 00:41:35,833 or something your brother might say when he arrives in his taxi 756 00:41:35,916 --> 00:41:38,875 to smuggle you across the border, high up into the mountains. 757 00:41:39,541 --> 00:41:43,583 When the world is noisy, the world may feel as if it is coming apart. 758 00:41:43,666 --> 00:41:45,208 [students cheering] 759 00:41:46,250 --> 00:41:47,416 What did you see? 760 00:41:47,500 --> 00:41:49,583 -We think we saw Count Olaf! -What? 761 00:41:49,666 --> 00:41:51,625 It's also hard to hold a private conversation. 762 00:41:51,708 --> 00:41:54,375 -We think Count Olaf is here! -What? 763 00:41:54,458 --> 00:41:58,625 Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to the mandatory pep rally. 764 00:41:59,458 --> 00:42:02,833 I don't know which I like more, the word "pep" or "rally." 765 00:42:02,916 --> 00:42:04,875 -I like "pep." -I like "rally." 766 00:42:05,458 --> 00:42:07,583 Maybe we should ask our mascot! What do you say? 767 00:42:07,666 --> 00:42:09,541 [all cheering] 768 00:42:09,625 --> 00:42:12,333 -What's the mascot? -A dead horse! 769 00:42:12,416 --> 00:42:14,125 It sounded like you said-- 770 00:42:14,208 --> 00:42:16,541 A dead horse. But that's not important. 771 00:42:16,625 --> 00:42:19,000 -Who can't be beat? -[students] A dead horse! 772 00:42:19,083 --> 00:42:21,625 -Who can't be beat? -[students] A dead horse! 773 00:42:21,708 --> 00:42:24,083 -Hi-yah! -[groaning] 774 00:42:26,041 --> 00:42:28,000 [students cheering] 775 00:42:28,083 --> 00:42:29,041 You have to listen. 776 00:42:29,125 --> 00:42:30,416 -My brother and I saw-- -Shush! 777 00:42:30,500 --> 00:42:32,333 [Nero] I know things seemed less peppy 778 00:42:32,416 --> 00:42:36,208 since our athletes, cheerleaders and beloved gym teacher vanished 779 00:42:36,291 --> 00:42:37,833 on the way home from that away game. 780 00:42:37,916 --> 00:42:41,083 But Prufrock Preparatory School has a motto. 781 00:42:41,166 --> 00:42:43,791 It's "memento mori." 782 00:42:44,625 --> 00:42:46,333 It's an ancient Greek saying... 783 00:42:46,416 --> 00:42:47,375 [both] Latin. 784 00:42:47,458 --> 00:42:50,708 ...which means, "Remember, you will die." 785 00:42:51,208 --> 00:42:54,791 And soon, indeed, the sun will set, the fiery orb of life, 786 00:42:55,666 --> 00:42:58,458 leaving me alone! 787 00:42:59,666 --> 00:43:01,000 Alone! 788 00:43:02,500 --> 00:43:03,875 Alone! 789 00:43:09,958 --> 00:43:11,958 [crow caws] 790 00:43:12,041 --> 00:43:15,666 Until, of course, you meet someone who truly understands 791 00:43:15,750 --> 00:43:18,875 and supports you with friendship, camaraderie and cash bribes. 792 00:43:19,791 --> 00:43:22,166 Our gym teacher was irreplaceable, 793 00:43:22,791 --> 00:43:26,583 but I have found someone I know who can fill her shoes. 794 00:43:29,833 --> 00:43:31,958 And now, please welcome to the stage, 795 00:43:32,791 --> 00:43:37,208 a man with no résumé, no letters of recommendation, 796 00:43:37,291 --> 00:43:41,958 no credit history, but with such a marvelous ear for music 797 00:43:42,041 --> 00:43:46,375 that I've hired him as the newest member of our faculty! [exclaims] 798 00:43:46,458 --> 00:43:48,541 No, no, not you. No. 799 00:43:50,458 --> 00:43:56,000 Your new gym teacher, Coach Genghis! 800 00:43:58,125 --> 00:43:59,458 [both] Count Olaf. 801 00:44:03,083 --> 00:44:09,541 So much to learn, and I am here to school you. 802 00:44:09,625 --> 00:44:11,291 [students cheering] 803 00:44:18,291 --> 00:44:20,291 [theme music playing]