[theme music playing]
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day ♪
♪ Every single episode is nothing but dismay ♪
♪ So look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ The Baudelaires are trapped in mountains covered up in snow ♪
♪ More villains have arrived And there is no place they can go ♪
♪ It's a horrid way to start up this Our third and final season ♪
♪ Anyone still watching it has clearly lost all reason ♪
♪ Just look away ♪
♪ Look away ♪
♪ There's nothing but horror ♪
♪ And inconvenience on the way ♪
♪ Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" ♪
♪ And they will say ♪
♪ Look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
[typewriter keys clatter]
[bell dings]
[electricity buzzes, strikes match]
Like handshakes, house pets, and raw carrots,
many things are preferable when not slippery,
and the least preferable slippery thing is a slope,
which is why I implore you to look away.
[raindrops tinkle]
[match lands on floor]
"It's a slippery slope" is an expression
which refers to the way even small, seemingly harmless actions
can set you down a path to something horribly wrong.
My name is Lemony Snicket,
and I am sorry to say that in the lives of the Baudelaire orphans,
every path led to something horribly wrong.
The Baudelaires chose to make new friends at school,
which led to unhinged villainy,
unnecessary physical fitness,
a kidnapping.
Their attempt to rescue their friends led to more villainy,
a long fall in the dark...
[screaming, laughing]
...and something fishy,
which, when investigated,
led to the death of a noble sibling,
false charges of murder,
and a life on the lam,
which led to more things too horrible to mention,
such as underage driving,
hot air balloon mishaps,
medically suspect surgery,
a career in the circus,
astonishing revelations about a secret organization
and a possible survivor of the fire that destroyed their home,
lions... [roaring]
...and finally...
a runaway caravan plummeting down a mountain,
for, as Klaus and Violet Baudelaire had discovered...
[rumbling]
...a slippery slope can also be literal.
[screaming]
What just happened?
We didn't die!
Not yet!
[Violet yells]
How do we stop this caravan?
We have to invent some sort of a braking system!
[grunting]
Violet, now would be a great time for an idea.
[panting]
Violet, hurry! We're running out of road!
Search the caravan for anything long enough to reach the wheel.
How's this?
Perfect. Now use it to jam the wheel.
I'm gonna tie these together and create a drag chute.
[wheels knocking]
Make it fast! This road won't stay straight forever.
I think I've got it. I just need to apply more friction.
[wheels squealing]
How's it going?
Not great.
That's okay. You bought me time to make this.
[panting]
[yelling]
[wind whistling]
[caravan creaking]
[rattling]
[Violet grunts]
[grunting]
[material tearing]
[both grunting]
Try not to think about falling.
But it's impossible to think about anything else.
[material strains]
We're alive. [panting]
We're alive, but we're not okay.
Count Olaf still has Sunny, and we have to get her back.
She must be so scared.
Sunny's tough. She might look like a helpless toddler, but she's a fighter.
And a biter.
-Can you remember anything from the map? -I didn't look at it for long,
but this is the only road through the mountains.
If we follow it, it should lead us to Count Olaf.
-And Sunny. - And Sunny.
It's our fault she's gone.
Count Olaf needs one of us alive to get our fortune.
As long as he thinks we're dead, Sunny is safe.
She won't be safe until we're together again.
Then we'd better keep walking.
[Esmé] Ow! Oh, this baby keeps biting me!
Put her in the glove compartment.
Do you smell that, Esmé? That's the fresh mountain scent
-of T-R-Y-M-F! -What, darling?
-Triumph! -I'm not sure that's the way you spell--
For years, or at least what seemed like years,
I have pursued the Baudelaire fortune
via a wide variety of brilliant, only partially successful schemes.
But now, finally, I'm on the right path!
-That way. -Aargh!
[gasps]
Now I'm finally on the right path.
Two out of three Baudelaire orphans
have tumbled off a cliff and been smashed flat.
Ugh! Flat.
We are en roo-tay to the secret V.F.D. headquarters
to destroy our enemies once and for all,
including whichever Baudelaire parent survived the fire.
-Probably the mom. -Women are more resilient.
And best of all, the Baudelaire fortune is in my hands,
or at least this infant is.
[growls]
[snarls]
[Olaf inhales]
I haven't felt this sharp and focused since I first smelled kerosene.
My only regret is that I wasn't able to hear the splat,
or whatever sound a caravan makes when it falls off a cliff
and squashes rich kids. [laughs]
-That's your only regret? -[Man] What about your tattoos?
Everyone regrets their tattoos.
-We regret ours. -[Bald Man] Not me.
I don't think we can be sure that Violet and Klaus are dead.
They've gotten themselves out of a number of dangerous situations.
In a way, one can't help but admire them.
One can too help but admire them,
and I am sure they're dead!
They fell off a cliff.
Please! This isn't some overexaggerated melodrama.
[chuckles]
[forced laughter]
[all laughing]
[Lemony] Allow me to offer a word of caution:
If you happen to find yourself on a slippery slope, watch your step.
When you're on top of something, such as a moral threshold or a mountain...
-[laughing] -[Olaf] I'm on top of the mountain!
...there's nowhere to go but down.
[Lemony] This advice was given to me
by one of the bravest women I've ever known,
a woman who, at that very moment, was running for her life
toward the edge of a cliff.
[wind howling]
Fortunately, like all women,
my sister was an expert at doing the impossible.
Come now, there's nowhere to run.
-Except off a cliff. -Which we plan to throw you off anyway.
But perhaps this doesn't have to end in violence.
Give us the sugar bowl and you can go.
Cross our hearts.
And hope to die.
What do you say, Snicket?
I'd rather jump off a cliff.
[man] Should we follow her?
We'll send the eagles. They're probably starving.
[whistling]
[screeching]
[screeching continues]
[screeching]
[panting]
[grunting]
[exhales deeply]
Oh, you're a trooper, kiddo.
I didn't have my first hang gliding lesson till I was seven.
[exhales]
But we're not out of the woods yet.
I'm on top of the world, Esmé.
Literally and figuratively at my peak.
Technically, it's more of a plateau.
This doesn't look like V.F.D. headquarters.
We must've made a wrong turn at that fork. Somebody read the map wrong.
It's not my fault, darling, you know I hate to read.
And besides, you said you'd been there before.
I was blindfolded.
Stupid secret organizations and their stupid secrecy.
[babbling]
[groans]
This baby doesn't stop complaining, no matter how many times I pinch her.
-Do you see? -If the surviving parent
is hiding in V.F.D. headquarters,
then burning it down will solve all of our problems.
[babbling]
[cackling]
You'll never stop us, if that's what you mean.
That is what she means.
We'll camp here for the night and burn it down in the morning.
It's important to be well-rested before committing arson.
We will surprise those volunteers in the middle of coffee, or tea,
or whatever it is pretentious people drink.
Pitch the tents!
Oh, and you should probably get those freaks out of the trunk.
There's no paper.
Get out, freaks!
[groaning] It's about time! We could barely breathe in there.
[White Faced Woman] Precious snowflake wants to breathe.
These icy winds are making my hopelessly contorted body shiver.
Oh, my equally strong hands are equally in need of some mittens.
Yeah, well, your equally strong hands can go and chop us some wood.
At least we'll have a nice, warm fire.
Oh, no, you won't.
You freaks can't stay in our campsite.
You think I had a nice warm tent my first night in Count Olaf's troupe?
I had to sleep in the trunk.
We did sleep in the trunk.
Go chop wood, freak.
[sighs]
I thought working for Count Olaf would be glamorous and fun,
but in my short time in his employ,
I have aided in kidnapping and murder,
I have spent a bumpy ride in the trunk of a car,
and I have had my self-worth degraded,
undoing years of therapy.
I'm beginning to question my life choices.
And frankly, so should you!
Aw, precious snowflake wants to question his life choices.
[all chanting] Not like us! Not like us! Not like us!
- Not like us! - Stop standing around.
Freaks.
[Klaus] It's a crossroads.
Technically, it's more of a fork.
I meant figuratively. We have to decide which direction to go.
This road leads to the Valley of Four Drafts.
That's where the map said the headquarters were hidden.
That means V.F.D. is that way.
Look at this bottle. There's some liquid in it that isn't frozen,
which means it was recently thrown by a person who doesn't care about littering.
Count Olaf went this way.
If we go to the headquarters, we can find V.F.D. They can help save Sunny.
We can't wait that long. Sunny's in danger right now!
If one of our parents is alive up there, they can fix this.
If one of our parents is alive, do you want to face them without Sunny?
No.
I think we should go this way.
[wind whistling]
[buzzing]
Do you hear something?
-Oh, no. -What are those?
Snow gnats. I read about them in an obscure book.
-What did you read? -They're ill-tempered and well organized.
-Anything else? -Yeah, they sting.
We should go that way.
-[bottle smashes] -I agree.
-Ow! -Ow!
Ow!
-What stops them? -Smoke.
Smoke? How are we supposed to get smoke out here?
I don't know!
Ow!
[gnats buzzing]
[panting]
Look over there!
[gnats buzzing]
The snow gnats stopped.
There must be something inside that scares them.
[Violet] Let's hope it's not a hibernating animal.
Oh, no.
Hello, cakesniffers.
It's called a catchphrase,
a word which here means "a catchy phrase,"
and it is one of the most important tools in any pre-former's repertoire.
Wow, it's really nice that you're taking time
out of your busy schedule of plotting arson
to give us an acting lesson, boss.
I'm not just your boss.
Please, I want you to think of me as your mentor.
Besides, I'm about to get everything I've ever wanted in life,
so I'm feeling generous.
[Olaf] A catchphrase should be cool and snappy,
and you should be able to use it in any situation at all, like, um...
"It's my way or the freeway."
Or, "Give me those earrings, Rachel."
And...
it should be rooted...
in the truth,
which is why, when I perform,
I ignore the script and say whatever comes into my mind.
Pajama bottoms. Absinthe. Nickelback. Let's try this right now.
When I point at you, say the first thing that pops into your head.
-I'm in love with you. -Not bad.
-I'm in love with you more. -Now, that's catchy.
-I'm in love with your girlfriend. -Eww.
Is a personal philosophy of moral relativism
the only way to survive in an ethically complex world,
or is it an excuse we use to justify doing bad things?
Could use a polish.
I'm in love with--
Look what I found, darling!
A pack of strange, green cigarettes just lying in the snow,
as if someone dropped them whilst running for their life.
Smoking is very, very bad for you.
[clears throat] I was mentoring
-the henchpeople, pet. -Oh.
Hooky was about to tell me his catchphrase.
-Hey, the baby's gone. -That's a terrible catchphrase.
Hey, the baby's gone.
What?
Thought you could get away, did you?
Well, you should know by now,
-it's my way or the freeway. -Roadway.
Look around, you saber-toothed papoose.
There's nowhere to run.
You would never survive in the mountains by yourself.
You've always had your irritating siblings to look after you.
Well, not anymore.
So if you want to survive,
I'd be a little less irritating.
-Like that girl from Prufrock Prep. -What girl?
Oh, it was before your time, dearest.
I don't care. I'll scratch her eyes out.
What? It was a little girl.
Short, adorable, with the pretty brooch and the brass knuckles.
What was her name again?
Carmelita Spats.
Go away, cakesniffers! This is a private cave!
Carmelita, who are you talking to?
They're in our cave, so obviously they're cakesniffers.
Wait.
You're those orphans from Prufrock Prep
who lost your home in a fire and then Vice Princie expelled you.
-We've never been to Prufrock Prep. -He did not expel us.
-I knew it. You're the Baudelaires! -[woman gasps] I hope not!
I read about those terrible children in The Daily Punctilio.
It said they are murderers and arsonists.
They started that enormous fire that's still raging across the hinterlands.
-Well, we're not them. We're... -Mountain climbers.
...mountain climbers. We're looking for our sister.
She's about this tall, she has a good set of teeth,
and she's traveling with a bunch of dangerous-looking people.
Have you seen her?
We haven't seen anyone. We've been in this cave hiding from gnats,
but we have a map of the mountains you can consult.
No! No!
[Carmelita] Scoutmaster Brucie,
this cave is for Snow Scouts only,
and they're obviously the Baudelaires! Look at their little orphan faces!
Now, Carmelita.
Snow Scouts should be accommodating. It's the first word of our pledge.
You're Snow Scouts?
Troupe 113 is the most exclusive Snow Scout troupe in the city.
Only non-cakesniffers with rich, living parents are allowed to join.
[Carmelita] Isn't that right, Brucie?
I have to carry their luggage.
It's designer.
You should carry your own luggage, Carmelita,
and you should join us by the fire.
We have extra parkas and snow suits if you're cold.
And extra masks.
Why would we want masks?
If you're outside, they keep the snow gnats away.
And when you're inside, they make a Very Furtive Disguise.
It has been difficult for me to investigate Sunny Baudelaire's time
as Count Olaf's prisoner.
A few witnesses have died, disappeared, or been carried off by eagles.
[man] Oh, oh, oh! Oopsie!
There is a story that describes more or less the same situation,
and that is the story of Cinderella.
Maybe she can give us some tips.
[Lemony] Cinderella was a young person
who was placed in the care of various wicked people
who teased her and made her do all of their chores.
Look at that useless baby.
It doesn't even know how to get water from a frozen pond.
[scoffs] Look at her carrying a pail!
[roaring laughter]
She was rescued by a fairy godmother who magically created a special outfit
so Cinderella could go to a ball and marry a prince.
If you would like the story of Sunny Baudelaire,
simply take the story of Cinderella and eliminate the fairy godmother,
the special outfit, the ball, the prince, the marriage,
the seasonal gourd that becomes a carriage,
and the ending where they live happily ever after.
There you are, baby.
I, uh...
I made you this outfit.
I know it's nothing special, but... it's warmer than those rags.
Count Olaf would be furious
if you froze to death before he could get your fortune, so...
What are you doing?
[sighs]
You've got, uh...
You've got cinders on your face.
Chabo.
Yay!
Don't give me that look.
[babbling]
And then Cinderella told Prince Charming
that she's got an even more beautiful sister whose name is Carmelita,
so he married her instead.
And then she divorced him and took all of his money. The end!
Now, this is the story
of Sleeping Beauty's even more adorable younger sister--
Carmelita, you've told nine stories already.
Maybe somebody else would like a turn.
I bet mountain climbers have interesting stories.
[Carmelita] Yeah.
Has anything really terrible happened to you?
We'd rather not share.
You should be more accommodating. After all...
[all chant] Snow Scouts are accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic,
frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping,
kept, limited, meek, naploving, official,
pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled,
tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome,
xylophone, young, and zippered.
Every morning, every afternoon, every night, and all day long!
That... That can't honestly be your pledge.
How can anyone be "xylophone"?
It's not an adjective.
You can't change the words of the Snow Scout Alphabet Pledge.
The whole point of the Snow Scouts is that we do the same thing over and over!
We wear the same parkas, we recite the same pledge,
and every year, we celebrate False Spring at the top of Mount Fraught.
And we always make Brucie carry our luggage.
What's False Spring?
Anybody who's not a cakesniffer knows that False Spring
is when the weather gets unusually warm before it gets cold again.
We celebrate with a dance around a special pole,
and then I get chosen False Spring Queen!
-It doesn't have to be you. -Yes, it does!
Because I'm the most accommodating, basic, calm--
Are you sure you two don't have a story?
I'd love to hear a Very Fascinating Drama.
We know all sorts of stories.
Stories about Vastly Frightening Danger.
And Vain Fashionable Divas.
Have you read the story of Anna Karenina?
Our mother read it to us.
We were very young, so she'd stop to explain all the words and themes.
Boring!
Anna Karenina is a classic of Russian literature!
That's another word for boring,
-and so are stories about dead parents. -Carmelita has a point.
Anyhow, it's late, and I feel sick from eating so many marshmallows.
So, everyone, get in your sleeping bags.
You should stay the night here, travelers.
We have some extra horse blankets you can sleep on.
You cakesniffers should sleep far away from us.
Those blankets smell like nail polish.
That's because you spilled nail polish all over them.
[wind howling]
Good night, travelers. The fire should die out in a few hours.
Some things are easier to find in the dark.
Such as?
Missing persons.
Who are you?
Cakesniffers whispering in a cave. Is there anything less adorable?
Come on. We don't socialize with orphans.
-Do you think we can trust him? -He must be with V.F.D.
But why is he disguised as a Snow Scout?
And why did he bring up Anna Karenina?
And why is he the only one wearing a mask?
We'll find out when the fire dies. He was right about one thing.
It'll be easier to find Sunny when it's dark and when Count Olaf is asleep.
-Violet... -Yeah?
If one of our parents is alive,
which one do you think it is?
[wind whistling, fire crackling]
There's no way to know.
I keep wondering anyway.
Me, too. [sighs]
[grunts]
This is probably a test. If we prove to Count Olaf we can survive a night
in this dark, freezing, probably haunted wood,
when we go back in the morning, he'll be so impressed,
he'll welcome us with open arms and say all the nice things my dad never did.
We don't have to go back at all.
I've got some money saved up from the carnival.
We could buy a patch of farm and live off the land.
-What kind of crops would we grow? -We could grow anything.
It would be helpful to visualize something specific.
Could we grow rutabagas?
We could grow literally anything!
So sure, rutabagas.
-I don't like rutabagas. -Forget about the rutabagas!
The point is, we still have time to turn our lives around.
And if we're on our own, there won't be anyone to call us freaks.
Not Count Olaf, not his troupe, not even your dad.
Madame Lulu always said, "You deserve better."
The Madame Lulu who got eaten by lions, or the one who drove off in a taxi?
I wonder whatever happened to her.
Howdy, stranger.
Hugo? Colette? Kevin?
How does a stranger know our names?
Listen to me, there are dangerous people on this mountain.
We know. We carpooled.
-You have to leave now, before-- -[twig snaps]
I'll lead them away.
Wait! Do you know how to light a fire?
[gasping]
-[Kevin whispering] Thank you. -You deserve better.
What a nut job.
Yeah, she acted like she knew us. That was weird.
Should she really be running around the woods at night when she's pregnant?
-I say she's the real freak, not us! -Not like us!
[all chanting] Not like us! Not like us!
Ooh, anyone else feel that chill?
Oh, hello.
Nice night for it.
Who are you?
I wouldn't worry about boring questions like that.
-Lovely spot, isn't it? -Secluded.
-A warm fire. -Yes, this will do nicely.
You should leave. There are dangerous people on this mountain.
Yeah, us. We're dangerous criminals in Count Olaf's troupe.
You're here with little Olaf?
He's just up on that summit.
All we need to do is scream and he'll come running.
-That's a charming theory. -Let's put it to the test.
[screaming]
Probably weasels.
Those weren't weasels.
[sniffing]
Come on, Snicket. All you've got to do is get off this mountain,
evade your enemies and their eagles, and safe-guard the sugar bowl.
[sighs]
The sugar bowl.
[snoring]
Shh!
[snoring continues]
I had to wait until the fire died down so I could show you.
[Violet] The Vertical Flame Diversion?
It's not just a chimney, it's a secret passageway.
-How did you know it was here? -I've read about it in a book
called The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations.
- We know that book. But how do-- -[Carmelita] What are you doing?
Give me those earrings, Rachel.
[sighs]
Ugh!
We don't know who you are. How do we know we can trust you?
"Xenial" is an adjective that begins with X.
It means being welcoming to strangers.
Having a good vocabulary doesn't guarantee that I'm a good person,
but it does mean I've read a lot,
and in my experience, well-read people are less likely to be evil.
[Carmelita sighs]
I only watch network television. [chuckles]
[snores]
You could take your mask off now. They're asleep.
But there are enemies everywhere.
Follow me.
[Carmelita giggles] Cake!
[coughs]
[snoring continues]
[grunting]
[Lemony] Perhaps when you were young,
someone sang a certain song to you to lull you to sleep,
or to entertain you on a long car trip,
or in order to teach you a secret code.
The song is "The Itsy Bitsy Spider,"
and it is one of the saddest songs ever composed.
It tells the story of a small spider who is trying to climb a water spout,
only to be washed away again and again,
until it seems that he will never reach his destination.
As the Baudelaires climbed the seemingly endless Vertical Flame Diversion...
[panting]
...they could not help feeling like that poor spider.
-[Klaus] Spider! -[Violet pants]
[gasping]
A pony party for me?
And when Klaus stuck his hand into a foothold
serving as a spider condominium,
he felt more like the spout.
We're close.
[Klaus] What do you think we'll find up there?
I know what I hope we'll find.
[exhales]
[straining]
[wind whistling]
[birds squawking]
[yodeling]
I thought I tied you up.
What do you think you're doing?
Hurry up with it.
Wake up, everybody!
We have a big day ahead of us.
I'm going to need a little while to figure out what to wear.
It's not "in" to burn down a secret headquarters
without wearing a fashionable outfit.
Well, tick-tock.
The baby's making breakfast. We'll have the henchpeople set the table.
Oh, it's actually very "in" to dine alfresco.
You're thinking of Al Funcoot.
Believe me, I'm not. Someone bring me some coffee!
Or a brandy sidecar.
You heard the lady. Breakfast!
I think we can do better than that.
The ice is pretty thin. False Spring must be coming.
We're right at the source of Stricken Stream, so...
there should be...
Ah! Salmon galore!
Yeah, here.
Oh, here you go. There you go.
[sighs]
You ever go ice-fishing? My stepdad used to take me.
Oh, no, we just don't see each other anymore.
He didn't approve of some of my life choices.
It's tough losing family.
You know, it wasn't my idea to plunge your siblings to their deaths.
Well, every career path has its drawbacks.
Oftentimes, if you want to do theater, you end up in a life of crime instead.
Oh, God, you sound just like my stepdad.
[Olaf] I'm starving!
Look, don't tell anybody I said this...
but I'll be glad if one of your parents if still alive.
[Olaf] I'm starving!
Get moving, brat.
Not too long ago in the city of Stockholm,
a group of bank robbers took a few prisoners
during the course of their work.
And this vault is where we keep all the fortunes,
although I can't imagine you having any interest in seeing big piles of money.
I keep the combination to the vault on the desk.
It's taped to the three-hole punch.
Now, this--
For several days, the bank robbers and prisoners
lived together in close proximity,
a word which here means "while the police gathered outside
and eventually managed to take the robbers to jail."
Do you have any nines?
Go fish.
Isn't this fun?!
[crashing]
Freeze! Freeze!
-Everybody freeze! -[screaming] Stop!
When the prisoners were finally freed,
however, the authorities discovered that they had become friends
with the bank robbers.
Keep in touch!
Since that time, the expression "Stockholm Syndrome"
has been used to describe a situation
in which prisoners grow fond of their captors.
But there is also
an expression to describe when captors grow fond of their prisoners.
And that expression has become known as "Mount Fraught Syndrome."
-[mugs jangling] -Hey!
Look what the baby made.
Sorbet, sashimi, and toast tartare.
I had my doubts about putting a baby in charge of the cooking...
But this is delicious.
It's a shame we're constantly exploiting and threatening her
when we could be nurturing her talents for the collective good.
What is this? I wanted orange juice. This is just orange ice!
This toast is raw. Is it safe to eat raw toast?
Of course it isn't. That baby's trying to poison us!
[gasping]
I wanted a nice, hot breakfast,
and instead, you brought me this cold, disgusting nonsense.
Maybe if I throw you off Mount Fraught,
you'll learn your lesson.
I'm kidding.
I'd never throw you off a mountain.
I need you to get your fortune.
I just wanted to scare you.
[forced laughter]
[all laughing]
[screaming]
An aura of menace is a distinct feeling of evil
that accompanies the arrival of certain people.
Having an aura of menace is like having a pet weasel
because you rarely meet someone who has one,
and when you do, it makes you want to hide under your desk.
But there are some people that have such a deep and lasting aura of menace
that I cannot bring myself to say their names,
even after so many years,
and will instead refer to them the way almost everyone does,
as the man with the beard and no hair, and the woman with hair but no beard,
although the very sight of them might make you scream other names.
Mommy! Daddy!
Show some respect, Olaf.
Is that any way to greet the people who raised you?
Boss, are these your parents?
Only figuratively. They were my mentors.
Yes. We played a crucial role in your education, didn't we, Olaf?
Taught you how to set fires.
A few ants, a magnifying glass.
You were lost before we recruited you.
-You needed a push. -A good, hard shove.
Tell us, what have you been doing with your life?
Well...
I am an actor.
[scoffs]
I've been glowingly mentioned in reviews in several small magazines.
This is my troupe.
There are several carnival freaks running around somewhere.
Not anymore.
-[clears throat] -Oh, oh, oh! This is my girlfriend.
Yes! I have a girlfriend.
Good morning.
-I'm Esmé Gigi-- -We know who you are.
You moved into the penthouse at 667 Dark Avenue.
How did that work out?
Jerome and I are having a trial separation.
We meant with the Quagmires.
Quagmire. Oh, uh... It's been so long.
I honestly can't remember.
-Allow us to remind you. -You lost those triplets.
Twins, actually.
After we went to all that trouble to restrain their parents in Peru.
You heard about the Quagmires?
Oh, we've heard about all your little mishaps, Olaf.
How you've been foiled by those irritating volunteers.
And those three plucky children.
Time and again. What do you have to say for yourself?
It wasn't my fault!
It was theirs!
I am surrounded by incompetence and disloyalty!
Hey, that's not fair.
It's more than fair. It's totally true!
I would be burning down V.F.D. headquarters right now
if these idiots hadn't insisted upon waiting for breakfast first!
Oh, Olaf.
I wouldn't worry about the headquarters.
This looks like the tunnel we found under our house.
V.F.D. built these passageways everywhere.
An underground organization needs a way to travel underground.
According to the The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations,
-the headquarters is behind that door. -That's an impressive lock.
-How does it open? -It's called a Vernacularly Fastened Door.
It opens with language.
[Violet] The keyboard is wired to the hinges. You have to type a phrase.
Three phrases, and if you get them wrong, it locks forever.
[boy] The first phrase is the name of the scientist
most widely credited with the discovery of gravity.
That's easy. Sir Isaac Newton.
[beeping]
[lock clunks]
What's next?
The Latin name of the lions found in the Hinterlands.
-Panthero Leo. -[masked boy] V.F.D. used to train them
-before the schism. -[beeping]
[lock clunks]
What's the last phrase?
The third phrase is the central theme
of the novel Anna Karenina, but I've never read it.
That's why you asked about it earlier.
You needed somebody to help you open the door.
There are people I'm looking for.
-People I've lost. -Us too.
-Our mother. -Our father.
Sunny.
We can find them, but only if you can tell me the central theme
of the novel Anna Karenina.
The central theme of the novel Anna Karenina...
Is that a rural life of moral simplicity...
Is the preferable personal narrative to a daring life of impulsive passion...
Which only leads to tragedy.
[sighs] Our mother had us memorize it.
It's like she was preparing us for this moment.
We won't let her down.
[lock squeals]
Why isn't it opening?
It sounded like it was working till the last word.
Maybe the mechanism is stuck.
Or maybe a daring life of impulsive passion leads to something else.
A daring life of impulsive passion can lead to many things.
It can lead to a brave and remarkable woman
mourning a terrible loss on the bank of a frozen stream.
I've lost the sugar bowl.
I lost everything.
-[coughing] -It can lead to a banker
making a surprising and out of character return.
Excuse me, miss.
I've lost my map, and I have no idea where I am.
You shouldn't be here. This mountain is dangerous.
Well, so is the city. I just experienced a bank robbery,
and Mr. Tamerlane seems to think it was my fault,
so I decided it best to get out of town as fast as I could
and search for some orphans I seem to have misplaced.
[coughs]
That's funny.
[coughs] I just had the oddest feeling,
like a daring, impulsive passion...
that someone nearby was in trouble.
You haven't seen anyone in trouble, have you, miss?
[sighs] A woman in your condition shouldn't be out here all alone.
No...
[sniffs]
No, she shouldn't.
Let me help you.
[sniffs]
Thanks.
[knocking]
In my own case, a daring life of impulsive passion
has led to false accusations...
[hammering on door]
...and a life on the run.
[knocking continues]
But in the case of Anna Karenina, a daring life of impulsive passion
-leads only to tragedy. -[beeping]
And Violet was right.
[machine whirs]
-The mechanism was stuck. -[lock clunks]
We could walk in on the entire organization having a meeting.
Or one of our parents.
[coughing]
-[Klaus] Mother? -[Violet] Father!
-Mother? -Father!
You don't have to worry about the headquarters...
Because we burned them down ourselves.
[woman] First, we burned down the kitchen.
No!
Then we burned down the parlor, then the disguise room, the ballroom,
and all six inventing labs.
We burned down the classrooms, and the movie theater, and the hot tub,
which was very hard to burn.
And finally, we burned down the library.
[man] That was my favorite part. Books, and books, and books...
[woman] All turned to ash, so no one can read them.
So many secrets...
No one will ever learn now.
[woman] It's all gone up in smoke.
No!
-Well, well. -Who do we have here?
Oh, you are going to love this.
[Violet] It's all gone.
This is where everything has led us. The maps, the codes...
The Snicket file.
One of our parents has to be here!
Jacques Snicket said there was a survivor of the fire.
There is.
-Where? -Here.
I survived the fire that destroyed my home.
Duncan?
Quigley.
Quigley Quagmire.
[theme music playing]