1 00:00:06,083 --> 00:00:08,000 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:10,708 --> 00:00:13,708 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 3 00:00:14,208 --> 00:00:17,375 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 4 00:00:18,083 --> 00:00:21,750 ♪ This show will wreck your evening Your whole life, and your day ♪ 5 00:00:21,833 --> 00:00:24,541 ♪ Every single episode is nothing but dismay ♪ 6 00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:26,166 ♪ So look away ♪ 7 00:00:26,250 --> 00:00:29,791 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 8 00:00:30,708 --> 00:00:33,541 ♪ The Baudelaires check into a hotel to spy upon ♪ 9 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:37,333 ♪ A group of awful people for whom murder is a yawn ♪ 10 00:00:37,416 --> 00:00:41,125 ♪ It may seem like Count Olaf will be finally brought to justice ♪ 11 00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:45,083 ♪ But why would any viewers think that they could really trust us? ♪ 12 00:00:45,166 --> 00:00:47,458 ♪ Just look away ♪ 13 00:00:47,541 --> 00:00:49,708 ♪ Look away ♪ 14 00:00:49,791 --> 00:00:51,416 ♪ There's nothing but horror ♪ 15 00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:53,416 ♪ And inconvenience on the way ♪ 16 00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:55,333 ♪ Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" ♪ 17 00:00:55,416 --> 00:00:56,541 ♪ And they will say ♪ 18 00:00:56,625 --> 00:00:57,791 ♪ Look away ♪ 19 00:00:58,208 --> 00:01:01,333 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 20 00:01:01,666 --> 00:01:05,041 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 21 00:01:05,125 --> 00:01:08,500 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 22 00:01:08,583 --> 00:01:11,958 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 23 00:01:15,375 --> 00:01:20,583 [singing in Italian] 24 00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:32,333 -[Esmé] Sugar? -[Kit] No, thank you. 25 00:01:32,416 --> 00:01:34,291 I always thought tea should be bitter as wormwood 26 00:01:34,375 --> 00:01:36,000 and sharp as a double-edged sword. 27 00:01:36,083 --> 00:01:37,208 [Esmé] I think you'll find 28 00:01:37,291 --> 00:01:38,583 this sugar is extremely bitter. 29 00:01:39,458 --> 00:01:41,708 I just love the opera! 30 00:01:41,791 --> 00:01:44,458 [singing continues] 31 00:01:44,791 --> 00:01:46,500 Lemony, darling. Tea? 32 00:01:46,583 --> 00:01:47,750 He's not listening. 33 00:01:47,833 --> 00:01:50,750 When Beatrice is on, he only has ears for her. 34 00:01:50,833 --> 00:01:53,458 [singing continues] 35 00:02:02,375 --> 00:02:05,083 I wasn't sleeping! What did I miss? Oh, good, they stopped singing. 36 00:02:05,166 --> 00:02:06,791 And you stopped snoring. 37 00:02:07,041 --> 00:02:09,291 Must you bring that typewriter everywhere? 38 00:02:09,375 --> 00:02:11,333 I'm new dramatic critic for The Daily Punctilio. 39 00:02:11,416 --> 00:02:12,708 Critic? Bah! 40 00:02:12,791 --> 00:02:15,458 We theatrical types should be complimented, not criticized. 41 00:02:15,541 --> 00:02:16,916 You'll find this interesting, Olaf. 42 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,500 "Theatrical" is a word which here means "related to the theater," 43 00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:22,208 but it can also mean a person who is prone to fits of melodrama. 44 00:02:22,291 --> 00:02:23,750 My brother's defining words again. 45 00:02:23,833 --> 00:02:24,958 Let's hope it's a phase. 46 00:02:25,041 --> 00:02:27,000 -[applause] -Oh! Look who's on. 47 00:02:28,125 --> 00:02:28,958 Thank you. 48 00:02:29,041 --> 00:02:33,041 As chief of your Official Fire Department, I would like to take this intermission 49 00:02:33,125 --> 00:02:36,000 to offer a few words about fire safety, particularly 50 00:02:36,083 --> 00:02:37,583 He's so embarrassing. 51 00:02:37,666 --> 00:02:38,958 I think he looks noble. 52 00:02:39,041 --> 00:02:41,750 -It may come as a surprise... -The strong profile, the one eyebrow. 53 00:02:42,166 --> 00:02:43,291 Runs in the family. 54 00:02:51,625 --> 00:02:54,875 Where is Jacques? I miss that knucklehead and his mustache. 55 00:02:54,958 --> 00:02:56,458 He's driving his taxi tonight. 56 00:02:56,541 --> 00:02:59,208 [fire chief] ...matches, candles, arsonists... 57 00:02:59,291 --> 00:03:00,250 Beatrice! 58 00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:01,291 How was I? 59 00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:03,583 You were radiant. 60 00:03:03,666 --> 00:03:06,708 [laughs] It's so wonderful to see all of you together. 61 00:03:06,791 --> 00:03:09,208 [fire chief] I should like to dedicate these words to my wife, 62 00:03:09,291 --> 00:03:11,250 who sadly perished in a fire, 63 00:03:11,708 --> 00:03:15,291 and to my son, who is here somewhere in the audience tonight. 64 00:03:15,875 --> 00:03:17,458 I love you, Olaf. 65 00:03:17,958 --> 00:03:19,875 Stay safe, and good night. 66 00:03:20,375 --> 00:03:23,250 And now, back to the tragedy you were watching. 67 00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:29,291 The past haunts the present 68 00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:32,000 the way a ghost might haunt an opera house. 69 00:03:32,083 --> 00:03:35,833 It hovers over it the way a murder of crows might hover over a hotel. 70 00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,916 [birds cawing] 71 00:03:46,250 --> 00:03:48,416 Don't fire till you see the white of the sugar bowl. 72 00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:51,250 I can hit a blackbird flying in the dead of night. 73 00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:57,333 [Lemony] The past can hit you like a rock, 74 00:03:58,041 --> 00:04:00,500 and it can trap you like a sticky piece of flypaper. 75 00:04:03,291 --> 00:04:06,500 It can spin you in cycles like a wet pair of pants. 76 00:04:08,708 --> 00:04:10,250 And it can change you, 77 00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:14,041 the way these next two minutes would change my own life... 78 00:04:14,833 --> 00:04:15,666 forever. 79 00:04:16,333 --> 00:04:18,250 My name is Lemony Snicket. 80 00:04:18,333 --> 00:04:20,041 Your name is Lemony? Snicket. 81 00:04:21,333 --> 00:04:22,583 You look just like your mother. 82 00:04:22,666 --> 00:04:24,208 I'm sorry, do we know you? 83 00:04:24,291 --> 00:04:26,458 Somebody shot that manager and he fell into the pond! 84 00:04:26,541 --> 00:04:28,583 I saw it while I was bird-watching! 85 00:04:28,666 --> 00:04:30,583 Those concierges shot the manager! 86 00:04:30,666 --> 00:04:32,791 I saw it while I was ironing my cummerbund! 87 00:04:32,875 --> 00:04:34,791 We didn't do anything. It was an accident. 88 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,666 They don't know that. What can we do? 89 00:04:36,750 --> 00:04:37,791 You can get in my taxi. 90 00:04:39,416 --> 00:04:41,166 Sometimes when I'm in a dangerous situation, 91 00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:44,333 such as a public place where I'm being accused of a murder that I did not commit, 92 00:04:44,416 --> 00:04:46,416 I find it useful to get away quickly in a taxi. 93 00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:49,750 -Where's Kit? She was supposed to meet us. -I'm her brother. She sent me to help you. 94 00:04:49,833 --> 00:04:51,750 I can only help if you get in this taxi right now. 95 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:52,666 Baudelaires! 96 00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:53,750 Baudelaires! 97 00:04:53,833 --> 00:04:57,708 I heard there was trouble, so I found these friendly police officers. 98 00:04:57,791 --> 00:04:59,708 We should leave before those officers reach us. 99 00:04:59,791 --> 00:05:01,500 They don't look friendly, and I'm on the lam. 100 00:05:01,583 --> 00:05:04,208 So are we. Violet, maybe leaving isn't such a bad idea. 101 00:05:04,291 --> 00:05:06,750 If we leave, we'll miss the chance to put Count Olaf in jail. 102 00:05:06,833 --> 00:05:08,166 We can't live on the run forever. 103 00:05:08,250 --> 00:05:10,291 It's not hard. You just have to evade the authorities, 104 00:05:10,375 --> 00:05:12,000 fake your death in an unreliable newspaper, 105 00:05:12,083 --> 00:05:14,666 and spend the rest of your days hiding out in a series of anonymous, 106 00:05:14,750 --> 00:05:15,666 interchangeable motels. 107 00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:16,791 Sounds like a lonely life. 108 00:05:16,875 --> 00:05:18,708 It is, but you'd be safe. 109 00:05:19,333 --> 00:05:20,166 I promise. 110 00:05:20,750 --> 00:05:23,708 Baudelaires? Baudelaires, is everything all right? 111 00:05:28,333 --> 00:05:30,750 I heard there was some trouble with a harpoon gun 112 00:05:30,833 --> 00:05:32,083 and one of the managers? 113 00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:34,125 It was an accident. It was Count Olaf. 114 00:05:34,208 --> 00:05:37,916 [sighs] Well, you won't have to worry about him for long. 115 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,041 Come with me. You'll be safe. I promise. 116 00:05:42,333 --> 00:05:44,666 We should say goodbye to the man with the taxi. 117 00:05:44,750 --> 00:05:45,750 [engine starts] 118 00:05:48,958 --> 00:05:50,458 I guess he couldn't stay. 119 00:05:50,541 --> 00:05:51,666 Come, come. 120 00:06:00,458 --> 00:06:01,875 There you are, Baudelaires! 121 00:06:01,958 --> 00:06:04,458 After you shot that manager, I went inside and found the manager. 122 00:06:04,541 --> 00:06:05,708 Wait, that can't be right. 123 00:06:05,791 --> 00:06:07,125 Trust me. It can. 124 00:06:07,208 --> 00:06:09,333 Those are the children I saw from my window! 125 00:06:09,416 --> 00:06:11,250 I recognize them from the newspaper! 126 00:06:11,333 --> 00:06:13,250 They murdered a man named Count Olaf in a village! 127 00:06:13,333 --> 00:06:15,750 I recognize them from my village, 128 00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:19,041 where they murdered Count Olaf! 129 00:06:19,416 --> 00:06:21,083 [murmuring] 130 00:06:21,166 --> 00:06:24,458 Now, let's not rush to judgment, everyone! 131 00:06:24,541 --> 00:06:28,583 Something terrible has happened here, but we don't have all the facts. 132 00:06:29,125 --> 00:06:30,916 Now go back to your rooms. 133 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,916 Count Olaf's trial will begin tomorrow morning. 134 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,833 I thought Count Olaf was dead. 135 00:06:35,916 --> 00:06:38,166 You can't believe anything you read in The Daily Punctilio. 136 00:06:38,250 --> 00:06:39,958 I don't know who writes that hogwash! 137 00:06:40,250 --> 00:06:41,166 Your wife? 138 00:06:42,125 --> 00:06:44,541 You said the trial would be on Thursday. That's two days away. 139 00:06:44,625 --> 00:06:46,833 You can't start tomorrow. What about the other volunteers? 140 00:06:46,916 --> 00:06:49,541 If they were noble volunteers, they would have arrived early. 141 00:06:49,625 --> 00:06:50,583 What about Kit Snicket? 142 00:06:50,666 --> 00:06:53,125 I'm sorry, children. I would like to wait for her, too, 143 00:06:53,208 --> 00:06:55,958 but unfortunately, things are much worse than they seem. 144 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:58,625 The trial will take place right here in this lobby. 145 00:06:58,708 --> 00:07:00,666 Aren't trials typically held in a courthouse? 146 00:07:00,750 --> 00:07:01,958 Usually, 147 00:07:02,041 --> 00:07:05,500 but it's much easier to get people to come to a fivestar hotel. 148 00:07:05,583 --> 00:07:08,750 Excuse me, Your Honor. I caught Count Olaf lurking in the hedges. 149 00:07:08,833 --> 00:07:10,083 Thank you, Frank. 150 00:07:10,166 --> 00:07:12,583 Nice try, but this isn't Frank, it's Ernest! 151 00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:13,708 Actually, I am Frank. 152 00:07:13,791 --> 00:07:14,916 Curses! 153 00:07:16,708 --> 00:07:17,708 Olaf? 154 00:07:17,791 --> 00:07:20,083 Well, if it isn't the nosy neighbor. 155 00:07:20,166 --> 00:07:22,083 I hope you've been picking up my mail. 156 00:07:22,166 --> 00:07:24,708 You won't be receiving mail for a very long time, 157 00:07:24,791 --> 00:07:27,666 unless you change your mailing address to prison. 158 00:07:27,750 --> 00:07:30,500 Why would I change my address to prison? Because you'll be a prisoner! 159 00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:34,333 Lock him up until the trial! 160 00:07:35,041 --> 00:07:36,916 Oh, yes, lock me up! 161 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,458 We can't have treacherous people running around a hotel. 162 00:07:39,541 --> 00:07:41,916 There might be decent, noble people here! 163 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,791 There are decent, noble people here. 164 00:07:43,875 --> 00:07:46,458 V.F.D. is here, and they'll make sure you pay for your crimes. 165 00:07:46,916 --> 00:07:49,875 I see your new friends have been keeping you in the dark. 166 00:07:49,958 --> 00:07:51,166 [Klaus] What does that mean? 167 00:07:51,250 --> 00:07:53,375 You think V.F.D. is noble? 168 00:07:53,458 --> 00:07:54,583 Think again. 169 00:07:54,916 --> 00:07:58,583 I bet your self-righteous volunteers never told you what's in the sugar bowl, 170 00:07:58,666 --> 00:08:01,500 why it's important, or how it was stolen, 171 00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:02,791 but I could. 172 00:08:03,125 --> 00:08:05,500 Oh, the secrets I could share... 173 00:08:06,958 --> 00:08:09,583 about V.F.D., about your parents. 174 00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:14,541 You think you know this story, but you don't even know how it begins. 175 00:08:14,625 --> 00:08:15,958 We'll find out the truth. 176 00:08:16,041 --> 00:08:17,291 Not if I'm in prison. 177 00:08:17,875 --> 00:08:20,708 I'm your last chance to learn what really happened. 178 00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:23,916 I can tell you things that you'll never learn on your own. 179 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,416 We'd rather see you in jail. 180 00:08:26,416 --> 00:08:27,583 Your choice. 181 00:08:29,875 --> 00:08:30,916 Let's go, buddy. 182 00:08:31,458 --> 00:08:34,291 -Frank, we're sorry about your brother. -I don't see what the big deal is. 183 00:08:34,375 --> 00:08:36,208 There's still two of you. Ow! 184 00:08:38,458 --> 00:08:39,541 One last thing... 185 00:08:40,541 --> 00:08:41,416 [bell dings] 186 00:08:45,875 --> 00:08:48,791 [Violet] Justice Strauss, are you sure the High Court can handle Count Olaf? 187 00:08:48,875 --> 00:08:51,250 [Strauss] I don't blame you for having doubts, Baudelaires. 188 00:08:51,333 --> 00:08:54,666 Count Olaf fooled me once, and I will never forgive myself, 189 00:08:54,750 --> 00:08:57,708 but there are two other judges on the High Court, 190 00:08:57,791 --> 00:08:59,708 and I've known them for years, 191 00:08:59,791 --> 00:09:03,916 and they've always been very concerned whenever I've reported on your case. 192 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,708 I hope you can forgive me, Baudelaires, and trust me. 193 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,250 But if not, 194 00:09:09,333 --> 00:09:10,791 you can trust the law. 195 00:09:11,458 --> 00:09:13,250 [elevator stops, bell dings] 196 00:09:15,875 --> 00:09:17,333 -[door locks] -She locked the door. 197 00:09:17,416 --> 00:09:19,208 Maybe we deserve to be locked up. 198 00:09:19,291 --> 00:09:21,291 Dewey was a good person, and he's dead because of us. 199 00:09:21,375 --> 00:09:23,000 He's dead because of Count Olaf, 200 00:09:23,083 --> 00:09:25,416 and tomorrow, we can help put him behind bars for good. 201 00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:26,916 Count Olaf has fooled people before. 202 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,833 How do we know he's not gonna fool the High Court? 203 00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:30,833 We'll prepare for any tricks he might pull. 204 00:09:30,916 --> 00:09:33,291 Have you read anything about trials? Not much. 205 00:09:33,875 --> 00:09:35,416 This is Room 342. 206 00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:37,958 In a library, 342 is the Dewey Decimal Number for "criminal law." 207 00:09:38,291 --> 00:09:39,333 Therefore... 208 00:09:41,708 --> 00:09:42,541 Criminal Law. 209 00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:44,458 It's almost morning, and there are lots of laws. 210 00:09:44,541 --> 00:09:47,041 -You'll have to read quickly. -Mother said laws are like sausages. 211 00:09:47,125 --> 00:09:49,375 If you learn how they're made, it can ruin your breakfast. 212 00:09:50,041 --> 00:09:51,791 Sunny, how do you make sausages? 213 00:09:54,125 --> 00:09:57,125 Shove the meat in. Don't worry about the bones. That's what the grinder is for. 214 00:09:57,208 --> 00:09:59,708 I thought we were gonna get a sugar bowl and have a tea party, 215 00:09:59,791 --> 00:10:01,958 but we're squishing together different parts of animals. 216 00:10:02,041 --> 00:10:03,166 Patience, darling. 217 00:10:03,916 --> 00:10:06,000 Mother used to say revenge is like making sausages. 218 00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:09,041 If you do it right, you can ruin someone's breakfast. 219 00:10:09,541 --> 00:10:12,166 Our lives, like our complexions, were perfect 220 00:10:12,250 --> 00:10:15,416 until Count Olaf and the Baudelaires came along. 221 00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:20,625 No one breaks up with Esmé Squalor and gets away with it! 222 00:10:20,875 --> 00:10:22,666 So what are we gonna do? 223 00:10:26,166 --> 00:10:27,750 Let them eat crow. 224 00:10:35,083 --> 00:10:36,583 [clock bongs, "Wrong!"] 225 00:10:37,833 --> 00:10:39,291 [clock bongs, "Wrong!"] 226 00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:42,958 [clock bongs, "Wrong!"] 227 00:10:44,625 --> 00:10:46,166 [clock bongs, "Wrong!"] 228 00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:48,750 [clock bongs, "Wrong!"] 229 00:10:50,208 --> 00:10:51,541 [clock bongs, "Wrong!"] 230 00:10:52,166 --> 00:10:54,083 It feels wrong to go to court wearing disguises. 231 00:10:59,333 --> 00:11:01,041 It's a note from Justice Strauss. 232 00:11:01,125 --> 00:11:03,208 "I hope these fit. I know you've grown." 233 00:11:03,666 --> 00:11:05,125 We haven't just grown. We've changed. 234 00:11:05,791 --> 00:11:08,083 Baudelaires, why haven't you changed? The trial is starting. 235 00:11:08,166 --> 00:11:09,750 Justice Strauss has sent me to escort you 236 00:11:09,833 --> 00:11:11,791 and to give you these blindfolds. Blindfolds? 237 00:11:11,875 --> 00:11:14,041 Everyone wears blindfolds to enter a High Court trial. 238 00:11:14,125 --> 00:11:16,125 Haven't you heard the expression, "justice is blind?" 239 00:11:16,208 --> 00:11:19,333 Yes, but that just means that justice should be fair and unprejudiced. 240 00:11:19,875 --> 00:11:23,208 Well, the High Court ruled that we should interpret that expression literally, 241 00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:25,500 so everyone must cover their eyes before the trial starts. 242 00:11:27,125 --> 00:11:30,666 What my sister means is the literal interpretation makes no sense. 243 00:11:30,750 --> 00:11:33,666 Well, the interpretation of laws can be perplexing, 244 00:11:33,750 --> 00:11:35,583 like the interpretation of sausages. 245 00:11:36,208 --> 00:11:37,166 I'll wait in the hall. 246 00:11:39,458 --> 00:11:40,458 [sighing] 247 00:11:40,541 --> 00:11:41,583 [bell dings] 248 00:11:46,250 --> 00:11:48,375 Fourth floor, food supply. Make it snappy. 249 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,041 Hello, Esmé. Have we met? You sound familiar. 250 00:11:54,750 --> 00:11:56,125 It's me, Jerome. 251 00:11:56,208 --> 00:11:57,250 Your husband? 252 00:11:57,333 --> 00:11:58,375 Oh, that Jerome! 253 00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:00,916 I'd completely forgotten your name. And your face. 254 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,958 -Hm! -Are you here for the trial? 255 00:12:03,041 --> 00:12:06,083 I'm here in the name of justice, which is something you'll never understand. 256 00:12:06,166 --> 00:12:08,208 Darling, justice is out. Injustice is in. 257 00:12:08,291 --> 00:12:12,541 That's why it's called injustice. Then why on earth are you here? 258 00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:15,500 We're gonna make those cakesniffers pay. 259 00:12:15,583 --> 00:12:17,541 My daughter. Isn't she adorable? 260 00:12:17,625 --> 00:12:19,125 -[bell dings] -Ah! 261 00:12:19,208 --> 00:12:20,291 Lovely catching up. 262 00:12:20,958 --> 00:12:22,125 Ugh! 263 00:12:24,875 --> 00:12:26,416 [Esmé] What a stupid elevator. 264 00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:36,500 [quietly screaming] 265 00:12:36,583 --> 00:12:38,916 [coughing] 266 00:12:40,708 --> 00:12:41,583 Put this on. 267 00:12:43,125 --> 00:12:43,958 Ow! 268 00:12:44,333 --> 00:12:45,375 Ouch! 269 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,166 Let's see... 270 00:12:47,916 --> 00:12:48,750 Where am I? 271 00:12:48,833 --> 00:12:50,708 [laughs] I can't see! 272 00:12:51,666 --> 00:12:52,958 Oh, that's good. Good. 273 00:12:53,375 --> 00:12:54,333 Uh, we're ready. 274 00:12:54,416 --> 00:12:56,416 Excellent! I'm wearing a blindfold, too, 275 00:12:56,500 --> 00:13:00,166 so you'll just have to feel around with your hand to find-- Oh!-- find me. 276 00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:01,458 [whispering] Come on. 277 00:13:01,541 --> 00:13:05,500 This is like the blind leading the blind, an expression that I just made up myself. 278 00:13:05,583 --> 00:13:07,041 It's already an expression. 279 00:13:07,125 --> 00:13:10,041 It means the people in charge don't know any more than the people following. 280 00:13:10,125 --> 00:13:12,333 That hardly seems relevant. This way to the elevator! 281 00:13:12,416 --> 00:13:14,458 Oh, sorry. Ma'am, excuse me. 282 00:13:16,875 --> 00:13:18,666 [Poe screams, groans] 283 00:13:18,750 --> 00:13:20,958 I have to tell you, children-- sorry-- 284 00:13:21,041 --> 00:13:24,708 I had my doubts about Count Olaf from the moment I placed you in his care, 285 00:13:24,791 --> 00:13:27,000 and today, the world will finally see the truth! 286 00:13:27,083 --> 00:13:29,583 It's hard to see anything with these blindfolds on. 287 00:13:29,666 --> 00:13:32,458 -Oh, what a lovely sculpture of a snake. -[bell dings] 288 00:13:33,333 --> 00:13:35,708 This must be the elevator over this way. 289 00:13:35,791 --> 00:13:36,791 [yelps] 290 00:13:37,291 --> 00:13:38,500 [groans] 291 00:13:38,583 --> 00:13:39,500 That hurt. 292 00:13:39,583 --> 00:13:40,625 [groans] 293 00:13:40,708 --> 00:13:41,541 [knocking] 294 00:13:43,583 --> 00:13:45,375 Attention, everyone! 295 00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,583 The trial is about to begin. 296 00:13:47,666 --> 00:13:50,625 If you are still standing, please take your seats. 297 00:13:50,708 --> 00:13:52,791 How can we find our seats? We can't see them. 298 00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:55,250 Oh... Um, move to your left. 299 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,458 Oh, no. Sorry, my left. 300 00:13:58,375 --> 00:14:00,041 A little more. Little more. 301 00:14:00,791 --> 00:14:01,750 -[Poe yelps] -[woman] Ow! 302 00:14:01,833 --> 00:14:02,916 Ooh, not that far. 303 00:14:03,541 --> 00:14:05,166 She was terrifying! 304 00:14:05,458 --> 00:14:09,166 Those beady little eyes. That bloodthirsty smile. 305 00:14:09,250 --> 00:14:12,500 Yes, I've also been trapped in an elevator with Esmé Squalor. 306 00:14:12,583 --> 00:14:15,541 Esmé? I was talking about that awful little girl! 307 00:14:15,625 --> 00:14:17,916 -[Jerome yelps] -Wrong seat, cakesniffer! 308 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,750 [whimpering] It's her! It's her! It's her! 309 00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:22,166 [Strauss] Remember, if anyone peeks, 310 00:14:22,541 --> 00:14:25,208 they will be held in contempt of court. 311 00:14:25,291 --> 00:14:26,458 Is everyone seated? 312 00:14:27,041 --> 00:14:28,916 There's Klaus. [Strauss] Good. 313 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,250 You may remove your blindfolds. 314 00:14:31,333 --> 00:14:32,750 [groaning] 315 00:14:32,833 --> 00:14:34,916 But we just put them on. Don't be silly, Klaus. 316 00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:36,333 Justice may be blind, 317 00:14:36,416 --> 00:14:39,208 but the High Court ruled the evidence must be seen to be believed. 318 00:14:39,291 --> 00:14:42,250 You will put the blindfolds back on for the verdict. 319 00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:43,666 That doesn't make any sense. 320 00:14:44,625 --> 00:14:48,166 Baudelaires, I see you found the clothes I left for you. 321 00:14:48,250 --> 00:14:50,000 They fit perfectly, thank you. 322 00:14:50,083 --> 00:14:52,375 I can't wait to see Count Olaf pay for his crimes. 323 00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:55,875 He infiltrated my school and didn't attend a single one of my violin recitals! 324 00:14:55,958 --> 00:14:58,875 He's a very bad man who owes me a lot of candy. 325 00:14:58,958 --> 00:15:01,666 Not like that nice gym teacher, Coach Genghis. 326 00:15:01,750 --> 00:15:05,166 I attended Prufrock Preparatory School. Give my regards to the principal. 327 00:15:05,250 --> 00:15:06,625 "Give my regards to the principal." 328 00:15:06,708 --> 00:15:08,958 Everybody knows that the vice principal is more important! 329 00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:11,291 Besides, that guy disappeared ages ago. 330 00:15:11,375 --> 00:15:13,250 No one's seen him in years. 331 00:15:13,333 --> 00:15:15,500 -I hope they cut off Count Olaf's head! -[gavel pounding] 332 00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:20,958 All rise for the High Court judges, 333 00:15:21,041 --> 00:15:24,666 myself and my esteemed colleagues. 334 00:15:30,958 --> 00:15:32,083 Why are they so high up? 335 00:15:32,166 --> 00:15:34,958 The High Court ruled to interpret their name literally. 336 00:15:35,041 --> 00:15:36,083 [Jerome] Hm. 337 00:15:36,166 --> 00:15:37,000 You may sit. 338 00:15:39,083 --> 00:15:41,166 Bring in Count Olaf! 339 00:15:43,708 --> 00:15:45,916 Please hold the applause! 340 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,750 -No, don't clap for him! -[scattered clapping] 341 00:15:47,833 --> 00:15:49,666 This is a courtroom, not a theater! 342 00:15:50,125 --> 00:15:51,333 I thought this was a hotel. 343 00:15:51,416 --> 00:15:54,541 It's a hotel acting in the role of a courtroom. 344 00:15:55,083 --> 00:15:59,625 Thanks to the efforts of many concerned parties and a banker, 345 00:16:00,083 --> 00:16:04,833 I have compiled a comprehensive file on the Baudelaire case. 346 00:16:07,875 --> 00:16:10,041 I submit to the Court... 347 00:16:11,458 --> 00:16:13,958 The Complete History of Injustice 348 00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:17,500 or Odious Lusting After Fortunes. 349 00:16:18,666 --> 00:16:19,666 I titled it myself. 350 00:16:19,750 --> 00:16:23,833 Sadly, I must also submit this harpoon gun, 351 00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:28,666 which was used to kill a hotel manager late last night, 352 00:16:28,750 --> 00:16:30,791 but we'll discuss that later. 353 00:16:30,875 --> 00:16:33,625 The judges will now hear this case, 354 00:16:33,708 --> 00:16:36,083 while the authorities wait outside 355 00:16:36,166 --> 00:16:39,250 to apprehend any guilty party who tries to escape. 356 00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:41,500 Speaking of parties, after the trial, 357 00:16:41,583 --> 00:16:44,166 everyone is welcome to the after-party, hosted by me. 358 00:16:44,250 --> 00:16:46,250 Wealthy women are particularly welcome. 359 00:16:46,333 --> 00:16:47,583 I'm also having a party. 360 00:16:47,666 --> 00:16:50,666 It's a cocktail party, and fashionable men get a free gift. 361 00:16:50,750 --> 00:16:54,416 My party will have Broadway-caliber musical numbers. 362 00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:56,791 My party will have an adorable girl doing a tap routine. 363 00:16:56,875 --> 00:16:58,500 My party will have fireworks! 364 00:16:58,583 --> 00:17:00,416 My party will have sausages! 365 00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:01,333 [gavel pounds] 366 00:17:01,416 --> 00:17:02,291 Order in the court! 367 00:17:02,375 --> 00:17:05,625 We are discussing social justice, not social engagements. 368 00:17:05,708 --> 00:17:08,750 You should reconsider. I don't imagine you get invited to a lot of parties. 369 00:17:08,833 --> 00:17:10,083 That is enough! 370 00:17:10,166 --> 00:17:12,333 I call our first witnesses. 371 00:17:12,833 --> 00:17:14,208 That's you, Baudelaires. 372 00:17:15,791 --> 00:17:17,666 Please state your names. 373 00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:20,541 We know them, of course. It's just standard procedure. 374 00:17:20,625 --> 00:17:22,333 Violet Baudelaire. Klaus Baudelaire. 375 00:17:23,750 --> 00:17:24,666 Occupation? 376 00:17:24,750 --> 00:17:26,083 Inventor. Researcher. 377 00:17:27,125 --> 00:17:29,875 I object! Their proper occupation is orphan, 378 00:17:29,958 --> 00:17:31,666 or inheritor of a large fortune. 379 00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:36,458 Your objection is noted, though I caution the defendant about speaking out of turn. 380 00:17:36,541 --> 00:17:38,041 Is this out of turn? Yes! 381 00:17:39,333 --> 00:17:42,375 Baudelaires, you have traveled a great distance 382 00:17:42,458 --> 00:17:44,125 and suffered a great deal, 383 00:17:44,583 --> 00:17:46,541 but you're finally safe, 384 00:17:46,958 --> 00:17:48,916 among friends and associates, 385 00:17:49,291 --> 00:17:51,666 classmates and co-workers, 386 00:17:51,750 --> 00:17:53,416 -faculty members... -[snoring] 387 00:17:53,500 --> 00:17:55,791 ...and countless neighbors, 388 00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,125 reporters, 389 00:17:57,208 --> 00:17:58,583 theatergoers, 390 00:17:58,666 --> 00:18:00,041 fashionistas, 391 00:18:00,125 --> 00:18:01,833 doctors, nurses, 392 00:18:01,916 --> 00:18:03,166 carnival guests, 393 00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:04,666 mountain climbers, 394 00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,500 telegraph operators, 395 00:18:06,583 --> 00:18:08,375 and deep-sea divers. 396 00:18:08,458 --> 00:18:11,875 They have been watching you all along the way 397 00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:15,125 and are prepared to speak out on your behalf, 398 00:18:15,208 --> 00:18:19,125 but the most important testimony is yours. 399 00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:21,791 Go on, Baudelaires. Tell us your story. 400 00:18:22,208 --> 00:18:24,875 This time, we promise to listen. 401 00:18:26,583 --> 00:18:29,750 It began when our parents told us to take a rickety trolley to Briny Beach. 402 00:18:29,833 --> 00:18:32,375 It was a gray and cloudy day, so we had the beach to ourselves. 403 00:18:32,458 --> 00:18:33,958 [Violet] We were testing an invention 404 00:18:34,041 --> 00:18:37,041 when we saw a figure in the mist. It was Mr. Poe from the bank. 405 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:38,916 He told us... 406 00:18:39,791 --> 00:18:42,583 He told us our parents had perished in a terrible fire. 407 00:18:42,666 --> 00:18:43,625 Hm. 408 00:18:43,708 --> 00:18:45,208 We went to live with Count Olaf. 409 00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:48,125 He hit Klaus across the face! He tried to marry Violet! 410 00:18:48,416 --> 00:18:49,750 He poisoned Uncle Monty! 411 00:18:49,833 --> 00:18:51,666 He threw Aunt Josephine to the leeches! 412 00:18:51,750 --> 00:18:54,291 -He conspired with Esmé Squalor. -And Carmelita Spats. 413 00:18:54,375 --> 00:18:56,708 He kidnapped the Quagmire triplets from Prufrock Prep. 414 00:18:56,791 --> 00:18:59,250 He murdered Jacques Snicket in the Village of Fowl Devotees. 415 00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:01,750 He tried to cut off Violet's head at the Heimlich Hospital. 416 00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:03,666 He... He threw... 417 00:19:04,541 --> 00:19:08,583 He threw a brave and noble librarian to the lions. 418 00:19:09,041 --> 00:19:10,375 Everywhere we went, 419 00:19:10,458 --> 00:19:13,125 we tried to tell people who he was and what he was capable of! 420 00:19:13,208 --> 00:19:15,250 But they wouldn't listen! Nobody would listen! 421 00:19:15,333 --> 00:19:17,583 How simply dreadful! We lost everything. 422 00:19:17,666 --> 00:19:18,750 Except each other. 423 00:19:18,833 --> 00:19:22,291 We survived because we believed that one day we'd find a safe place. 424 00:19:22,375 --> 00:19:23,625 Where people would listen to us. 425 00:19:23,708 --> 00:19:24,750 And believe us. 426 00:19:24,833 --> 00:19:27,583 We've suffered so much, but the root of our suffering is one man. 427 00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:29,208 That man... 428 00:19:29,291 --> 00:19:30,458 [Klaus] Count Olaf. 429 00:19:31,416 --> 00:19:35,958 This world won't be quiet or safe until he's behind bars. 430 00:19:36,041 --> 00:19:39,041 And all decent people have their day in court. 431 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:44,333 Thank you. 432 00:20:03,416 --> 00:20:04,541 They're so brave! 433 00:20:04,625 --> 00:20:05,958 They're so organized! 434 00:20:06,041 --> 00:20:07,458 They remind me of myself! 435 00:20:07,541 --> 00:20:10,166 If only you children had told me what you were going through. 436 00:20:17,291 --> 00:20:18,583 [Strauss] Thank you, Baudelaires. 437 00:20:18,666 --> 00:20:21,166 We are grateful for your courage. 438 00:20:21,458 --> 00:20:22,916 You may step down now. 439 00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,833 I had planned to call other witnesses, 440 00:20:27,916 --> 00:20:31,500 but your testimony was so compelling, I hate to waste another second. 441 00:20:32,250 --> 00:20:34,833 I'm going to consult with my fellow judges, 442 00:20:34,916 --> 00:20:36,666 and if they agree, 443 00:20:36,750 --> 00:20:41,291 we can declare these unfortunate events over at last. 444 00:20:41,375 --> 00:20:42,208 That's a relief. 445 00:20:42,291 --> 00:20:45,333 That book on criminal law said that trials can last days or even years. 446 00:20:45,416 --> 00:20:47,333 That's what I'm worried about. Look at Olaf. 447 00:20:47,416 --> 00:20:49,208 He's about to go to jail. Why does he look calm? 448 00:20:49,291 --> 00:20:50,375 Maybe he's acting calm. 449 00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,541 We both know he's not that good. Something's wrong. 450 00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:58,791 It seems my fellow judges are ready to deliberate. 451 00:20:58,875 --> 00:21:00,333 So without further ado-- 452 00:21:00,416 --> 00:21:02,958 A violin solo about a naval disaster! 453 00:21:04,416 --> 00:21:06,750 No! No, please stop that! 454 00:21:08,208 --> 00:21:11,958 We will now retire to decide the verdict. 455 00:21:12,916 --> 00:21:15,041 Rest assured, Baudelaires, 456 00:21:15,125 --> 00:21:18,166 your word is all the evidence we need. 457 00:21:18,250 --> 00:21:20,750 Your Honor, wait! Klaus, do you have an objection? 458 00:21:20,833 --> 00:21:22,166 Klaus, what are you doing? 459 00:21:22,250 --> 00:21:24,708 Justice Strauss says our word is enough to convince the judges, 460 00:21:24,791 --> 00:21:26,791 but it's never been enough to convince anyone before, 461 00:21:26,875 --> 00:21:27,875 and Count Olaf knows that. 462 00:21:28,250 --> 00:21:29,666 They need to hear from someone else. 463 00:21:29,750 --> 00:21:31,750 One who knows the wicked things Count Olaf has done, 464 00:21:31,833 --> 00:21:34,291 who wouldn't pass up the chance to speak in front of a crowd. 465 00:21:34,375 --> 00:21:36,000 Baudelaires, is there a problem? 466 00:21:36,083 --> 00:21:38,750 Not at all, Your Honor. We'd like to call a witness of our own. 467 00:21:38,833 --> 00:21:41,583 A witness calling a witness? That's highly unusual. 468 00:21:41,666 --> 00:21:44,791 According to a book on criminal law, a witness may question another witness 469 00:21:44,875 --> 00:21:46,333 if they're acting in loco advocatus. 470 00:21:46,416 --> 00:21:47,833 In the role of an attorney. 471 00:21:47,916 --> 00:21:50,500 I see you've kept up your legal studies, 472 00:21:50,583 --> 00:21:53,958 but wouldn't you rather see this story over, once and for all? 473 00:21:54,041 --> 00:21:55,708 We would. That's why we have to do this. 474 00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,208 The floor is yours, Baudelaires. 475 00:22:00,291 --> 00:22:01,291 Thank you, Your Honor. 476 00:22:01,375 --> 00:22:03,125 We call Count Olaf to the stand! 477 00:22:03,208 --> 00:22:04,416 [gasping] 478 00:22:10,791 --> 00:22:12,000 You may applaud. 479 00:22:17,458 --> 00:22:19,250 Will the defendant state his name. 480 00:22:19,333 --> 00:22:20,583 Count Olaf. 481 00:22:20,666 --> 00:22:21,666 Occupation? 482 00:22:21,750 --> 00:22:23,041 Impresario. 483 00:22:23,125 --> 00:22:24,958 Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, 484 00:22:25,041 --> 00:22:26,083 and nothing but the truth? 485 00:22:26,166 --> 00:22:29,250 I have never told a lie in my life. That's a lie! 486 00:22:29,333 --> 00:22:31,833 You can't prove that. That's the whole point of this trial. 487 00:22:31,916 --> 00:22:35,541 Ah, but I've always been honest about my desires, orphans: 488 00:22:35,625 --> 00:22:40,375 you, maimed or dead, and your fortune in my rarelywashed hands. 489 00:22:40,458 --> 00:22:43,333 That's more than the rest of these people can say. 490 00:22:43,416 --> 00:22:44,958 These people are here to help us. 491 00:22:45,041 --> 00:22:45,958 Help you? 492 00:22:46,375 --> 00:22:47,583 Look around! 493 00:22:47,875 --> 00:22:51,500 I see a banker who cares more about a promotion than three orphans. 494 00:22:51,583 --> 00:22:53,250 Vice President of Orphan Affairs. 495 00:22:53,958 --> 00:22:56,375 I see a man who was too afraid to protect you, 496 00:22:56,458 --> 00:23:00,291 and a woman who values paperwork over people's lives. 497 00:23:00,375 --> 00:23:04,000 I see a vice principal who was more than happy to let me into his school, 498 00:23:04,083 --> 00:23:06,083 as long as I stroked his ego. 499 00:23:06,166 --> 00:23:08,208 That's a lie! He only stroked my... 500 00:23:08,916 --> 00:23:09,750 violin. 501 00:23:09,833 --> 00:23:12,750 I see rich people who only cared about you because you were "in," 502 00:23:12,833 --> 00:23:15,708 and villagers who only took you in to do their chores. 503 00:23:16,125 --> 00:23:21,791 I see volunteers whose complicated codes and pretentious literary references 504 00:23:21,875 --> 00:23:24,958 are useless against the real treacheries of the world. 505 00:23:25,041 --> 00:23:26,958 And presiding over them all, 506 00:23:27,041 --> 00:23:29,291 a justice so blind 507 00:23:29,375 --> 00:23:31,208 she let me marry you! 508 00:23:32,291 --> 00:23:34,875 These so-called decent people 509 00:23:34,958 --> 00:23:38,166 have done more to help my schemes than any of my associates. 510 00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:39,666 They should be up here right now. 511 00:23:39,750 --> 00:23:40,916 They're not. You are. 512 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:41,875 Yes... 513 00:23:42,458 --> 00:23:44,625 but you're up here too, Baudelaires. 514 00:23:44,708 --> 00:23:45,541 Tell me... 515 00:23:46,083 --> 00:23:51,500 on Mount Fraught, what despicable act did you perform to rescue your sister? 516 00:23:52,458 --> 00:23:53,625 We held Esmé-- 517 00:23:53,708 --> 00:23:55,833 Louder, please, for the Court. 518 00:23:55,916 --> 00:23:57,666 We held Esmé Squalor hostage-- 519 00:23:57,750 --> 00:24:01,166 And when you needed to reach V.F.D. headquarters in the Mortmain Mountains, 520 00:24:01,250 --> 00:24:02,958 what did you help me do? 521 00:24:03,416 --> 00:24:05,333 Burn down Caligari Carnival, but-- 522 00:24:05,416 --> 00:24:06,916 Let's hear from some witnesses. You! 523 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:10,333 Who caused all the terrible accidents at Lucky Smells Lumbermill? 524 00:24:10,416 --> 00:24:12,375 Klaus Baudelaire, but-- 525 00:24:12,458 --> 00:24:16,750 You! Who stole Hal's keys and broke into the library at Heimlich Hospital? 526 00:24:16,833 --> 00:24:18,000 Violet Baudelaire, but-- 527 00:24:18,083 --> 00:24:19,333 You in the crow hat! 528 00:24:19,416 --> 00:24:22,625 After the Baudelaires were accused of murder in the Village of Fowl Devotees, 529 00:24:22,708 --> 00:24:24,291 did they accept their punishment? 530 00:24:24,375 --> 00:24:26,625 That baby busted them out of jail! 531 00:24:26,708 --> 00:24:28,833 You were going to burn us at the stake! 532 00:24:28,916 --> 00:24:31,250 Well.... And I don't need to ask you 533 00:24:31,333 --> 00:24:33,250 who shot Dewey Denouement, 534 00:24:33,333 --> 00:24:34,791 for I was there. 535 00:24:34,875 --> 00:24:38,291 It was Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire, 536 00:24:38,625 --> 00:24:42,416 by the pond, with the harpoon gun! 537 00:24:42,500 --> 00:24:43,333 [gasping] 538 00:24:43,416 --> 00:24:45,458 Baudelaires, is this true? 539 00:24:45,541 --> 00:24:46,625 [Olaf] Let me remind you, 540 00:24:46,708 --> 00:24:47,958 you're under oath. 541 00:24:49,416 --> 00:24:50,958 It's not the whole truth. 542 00:24:51,458 --> 00:24:53,791 You're manipulating the facts! [Olaf] So are you. 543 00:24:53,875 --> 00:24:57,333 You're not the innocent orphans you've let these people think you are. 544 00:24:57,416 --> 00:24:58,583 You've lied. 545 00:24:59,125 --> 00:25:00,250 You've stolen. 546 00:25:00,625 --> 00:25:02,166 You've abandoned people. 547 00:25:02,250 --> 00:25:03,875 You've set fires. 548 00:25:03,958 --> 00:25:05,541 Time after time, 549 00:25:05,625 --> 00:25:09,458 you have relied on treachery for survival, just like everybody else. 550 00:25:09,541 --> 00:25:13,583 Because here is the real truth that no one is willing tell you... 551 00:25:14,125 --> 00:25:18,375 There are no noble people in the world. 552 00:25:18,916 --> 00:25:19,916 Our parents. 553 00:25:20,250 --> 00:25:21,083 Ha... 554 00:25:23,291 --> 00:25:26,416 I see your parents never told you about that night at the opera, 555 00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:28,333 and that box of poison darts. 556 00:25:29,041 --> 00:25:29,875 [sniffs] 557 00:25:32,416 --> 00:25:33,333 Your Honor, 558 00:25:33,416 --> 00:25:36,041 I call Esmé Squalor to the stand. 559 00:25:37,625 --> 00:25:38,458 Name. 560 00:25:38,541 --> 00:25:41,208 Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor. 561 00:25:41,666 --> 00:25:43,416 Occupation? Single. 562 00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:45,208 Legally, we're still married! 563 00:25:45,291 --> 00:25:46,875 Single and loving it. 564 00:25:46,958 --> 00:25:48,583 Argh! 565 00:25:49,125 --> 00:25:51,250 Fabulously rich. Insanely attractive. 566 00:25:51,333 --> 00:25:54,125 The city's fourth most important financial adviser, or something. 567 00:25:54,208 --> 00:25:56,666 Sixth most important financial adviser. 568 00:25:57,541 --> 00:25:58,875 Sixth. 569 00:25:58,958 --> 00:26:00,625 -[gavel pounds] -You're trying my patience. 570 00:26:01,833 --> 00:26:04,250 Try the sausages. Aren't you adorable! 571 00:26:04,333 --> 00:26:05,875 They're definitely not poisoned. 572 00:26:05,958 --> 00:26:07,375 No further questions. 573 00:26:08,083 --> 00:26:09,875 You may cross-examine the witness. 574 00:26:10,958 --> 00:26:11,791 Well? 575 00:26:12,166 --> 00:26:14,208 Don't you have any burning questions? 576 00:26:14,291 --> 00:26:18,625 Any unsolved mysteries gnawing away in those smarty-pants brains? 577 00:26:19,375 --> 00:26:20,208 Go ahead. 578 00:26:20,625 --> 00:26:21,916 It'll be fun. 579 00:26:25,708 --> 00:26:29,083 Ms. Squalor, ever since we met you, you've been obsessed with a stolen sugar bowl. 580 00:26:29,166 --> 00:26:30,125 We want to know why. 581 00:26:31,458 --> 00:26:32,875 I thought you'd never ask. 582 00:26:33,625 --> 00:26:34,875 We were at the opera, 583 00:26:34,958 --> 00:26:39,250 and Beatrice was talking about morality, or something. 584 00:26:41,083 --> 00:26:44,458 It's wrong. Something so valuable shouldn't be in the hands of one person. 585 00:26:44,541 --> 00:26:47,125 Please, darling, you can trust me to keep it safe. 586 00:26:47,208 --> 00:26:48,666 I'm rich and beautiful. 587 00:26:48,750 --> 00:26:49,583 Listen to me, Esmé. 588 00:26:49,666 --> 00:26:53,750 There are traitors within V.F.D. who do not want to put out fires at all. 589 00:26:53,833 --> 00:26:56,958 A certain man with a beard but no hair, a certain woman with hair but no beard. 590 00:26:57,041 --> 00:26:59,000 They think fire can solve any problem in the world. 591 00:26:59,083 --> 00:27:01,916 [Beatrice] What if they get their hands on Gregor Anwhistle's research? 592 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:03,458 Or what if they recruit any volunteer 593 00:27:03,541 --> 00:27:05,958 who feels lost and vulnerable enough to join them? 594 00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:07,791 We could be looking at a schism. 595 00:27:07,875 --> 00:27:09,833 You want a family one day. 596 00:27:09,916 --> 00:27:11,083 I do, too. 597 00:27:11,166 --> 00:27:13,875 Don't you want to raise your children in a safer world? 598 00:27:13,958 --> 00:27:16,875 This sugar bowl is our only hope. It can save lives. 599 00:27:16,958 --> 00:27:18,416 It completes my tea set. 600 00:27:27,583 --> 00:27:30,541 There's only one option left. It's a wicked thing to do. 601 00:27:30,625 --> 00:27:32,666 For a noble reason. What choice do we have? 602 00:27:35,708 --> 00:27:37,000 Here, Esmé. 603 00:27:37,416 --> 00:27:39,125 You don't want to miss the penultimate scene. 604 00:27:39,208 --> 00:27:41,750 "Penultimate" is a word meaning "next to last." 605 00:27:45,791 --> 00:27:47,833 Who sings in the middle of a duel? 606 00:27:47,916 --> 00:27:49,083 It is an opera. 607 00:27:49,166 --> 00:27:52,583 Well, I prefer my entertainment without unmotivated musical numbers, 608 00:27:52,666 --> 00:27:54,750 but someday I may change that opinion. 609 00:27:55,041 --> 00:27:56,333 [splutters] 610 00:27:57,791 --> 00:27:59,500 [hoarsely] This tea needs more sugar. 611 00:28:02,750 --> 00:28:04,666 [screams] 612 00:28:08,375 --> 00:28:09,875 Thieves! 613 00:28:11,666 --> 00:28:12,958 Was that a poison dart? 614 00:28:13,041 --> 00:28:14,583 It's the season's "innest" weapon. 615 00:28:14,666 --> 00:28:17,125 One of my admirers smuggled it to me at intermission. 616 00:28:17,875 --> 00:28:19,958 So did one of mine. You'll never throw it. 617 00:28:20,041 --> 00:28:23,583 Your great gift, aside from your ability to pull off dragonfly-themed couture, 618 00:28:23,666 --> 00:28:25,083 is your compassion. 619 00:28:25,458 --> 00:28:26,833 What is going on? 620 00:28:26,916 --> 00:28:28,916 Are we throwing darts? That's more exciting than opera! 621 00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:31,833 We're all friends here. Let's have a quiet, rational discussion. 622 00:28:31,916 --> 00:28:33,583 Friends don't steal sugar bowls. 623 00:28:34,166 --> 00:28:35,166 Everyone remain calm! 624 00:28:35,500 --> 00:28:36,666 -[dart hits] -Oh! 625 00:28:37,791 --> 00:28:38,791 [gasps] 626 00:28:45,583 --> 00:28:46,583 Olaf... 627 00:28:56,916 --> 00:28:58,625 You! 628 00:28:59,375 --> 00:29:00,791 [screaming] 629 00:29:00,875 --> 00:29:01,875 [gavel pounding] 630 00:29:02,333 --> 00:29:03,375 Enough! 631 00:29:03,458 --> 00:29:05,083 This trial is about the Baudelaires, 632 00:29:05,166 --> 00:29:07,750 not some mysterious event that happened in the past. 633 00:29:07,833 --> 00:29:09,833 Don't you want to know what happened next? 634 00:29:09,916 --> 00:29:10,916 What happened next? 635 00:29:11,500 --> 00:29:13,250 It was a slippery slope. 636 00:29:13,791 --> 00:29:16,541 The theft led to a murder, which led to a schism, 637 00:29:16,625 --> 00:29:18,916 which led to two retracted marriage proposals 638 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:20,541 and a series of arsons. 639 00:29:20,791 --> 00:29:22,166 Friends became enemies, 640 00:29:22,250 --> 00:29:24,250 children became orphans, 641 00:29:24,333 --> 00:29:25,666 and all because of-- 642 00:29:25,750 --> 00:29:28,458 [coughing] 643 00:29:31,708 --> 00:29:33,083 He should get that looked at. 644 00:29:33,166 --> 00:29:35,791 [coughing continues] 645 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:38,625 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 646 00:29:38,708 --> 00:29:39,916 Must be something I ate. 647 00:29:40,458 --> 00:29:42,041 Well, it can't be these sausages. 648 00:29:42,125 --> 00:29:44,791 That adorable little girl swore they weren't poisoned. 649 00:29:44,875 --> 00:29:45,791 [splutters] 650 00:29:45,875 --> 00:29:47,708 [Violet] Carmelita. The Medusoid Mycelium. 651 00:29:47,791 --> 00:29:49,291 Yes! 652 00:29:49,375 --> 00:29:51,791 Gasp for air and wail with anguish! 653 00:29:51,875 --> 00:29:53,583 A tingly sensation in your throats? 654 00:29:53,666 --> 00:29:56,166 That's the taste of my tingly, sensational revenge 655 00:29:56,250 --> 00:30:00,166 which, like justice and sausages, has been served cold! 656 00:30:01,166 --> 00:30:03,791 Everyone, Esmé Squalor poisoned you with a deadly fungus 657 00:30:03,875 --> 00:30:05,083 called the Medusoid Mycelium! 658 00:30:05,166 --> 00:30:08,583 Even a single spore is deadly! Horseradish is the only cure! 659 00:30:08,666 --> 00:30:10,083 How did you find the Mycelium? 660 00:30:10,166 --> 00:30:12,250 I hid that diving helmet where it could never be found. 661 00:30:12,333 --> 00:30:13,583 I didn't find the Mycelium. 662 00:30:13,666 --> 00:30:16,208 Then why is everybody coughing? It's probably the pepper. 663 00:30:16,291 --> 00:30:18,625 -[snickering] -You mean to tell me 664 00:30:18,708 --> 00:30:22,458 that you had the opportunity to poison this entire courtroom, 665 00:30:22,541 --> 00:30:25,500 and you served them overly peppered sausages? 666 00:30:25,583 --> 00:30:27,416 Not just any sausages! 667 00:30:27,500 --> 00:30:29,208 The meat was dark and tough 668 00:30:29,291 --> 00:30:32,083 because it came from the darkest and toughest of birds! 669 00:30:33,083 --> 00:30:36,541 You people humiliated me, so I made you eat crow! 670 00:30:36,625 --> 00:30:39,000 -We've been eating crow?! It tastes more like chicken. 671 00:30:39,083 --> 00:30:41,416 Yes! [wheezing] 672 00:30:41,500 --> 00:30:42,833 -Argh! -[gavel pounds] 673 00:30:42,916 --> 00:30:44,708 Drink some water, everyone. 674 00:30:44,791 --> 00:30:46,791 [murmuring and coughing] 675 00:30:51,666 --> 00:30:54,375 The Court will deal with you later. Sit down. 676 00:30:54,791 --> 00:30:56,166 Baudelaires, please take a seat. 677 00:30:56,250 --> 00:30:57,833 You, take a seat! 678 00:30:57,916 --> 00:31:02,666 Now, there'll be no more interruptions, distractions, or side plots. 679 00:31:02,750 --> 00:31:07,000 Count Olaf, is there anything further you'd like to say to the Court? 680 00:31:09,916 --> 00:31:12,208 Not in the form of a song. 681 00:31:13,500 --> 00:31:15,375 I'm innocent. Very well. 682 00:31:15,458 --> 00:31:17,666 I'm so incredibly innocent 683 00:31:18,083 --> 00:31:20,375 that the word "innocent" should be written on my face. 684 00:31:20,958 --> 00:31:24,333 The "i" would stand for "I'm innocent." 685 00:31:24,916 --> 00:31:29,083 The "n" would stand for "nothing wrong," which is what I've done. 686 00:31:29,625 --> 00:31:31,750 The "a" would stand for-- 687 00:31:31,833 --> 00:31:35,000 -That's not how you spell innocent. -I'm sure spelling doesn't count. 688 00:31:35,083 --> 00:31:36,166 Spelling counts. 689 00:31:36,791 --> 00:31:40,541 Well, then innocent should be spelled O-L-A-F, 690 00:31:40,625 --> 00:31:42,250 because that is how I plead. 691 00:31:44,541 --> 00:31:45,583 [footsteps] 692 00:31:47,833 --> 00:31:48,833 [clears throat] 693 00:31:54,083 --> 00:31:55,000 I'm... 694 00:31:55,083 --> 00:31:57,333 I'm sorry, Baudelaires, but... 695 00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:01,666 my fellow judges want to know how you plead. 696 00:32:07,125 --> 00:32:09,041 But we're not the ones on trial. 697 00:32:09,125 --> 00:32:10,750 This trial is for Count Olaf. 698 00:32:10,833 --> 00:32:12,791 I don't like it any more than you do, 699 00:32:12,875 --> 00:32:16,375 but in light of recent evidence, I don't have a choice. 700 00:32:17,541 --> 00:32:19,291 How do you plead, Baudelaires? 701 00:32:21,541 --> 00:32:22,500 We're innocent. 702 00:32:22,583 --> 00:32:24,875 Are you sure you can say that, 703 00:32:24,958 --> 00:32:26,833 after everything we've heard? 704 00:32:29,583 --> 00:32:30,541 We're innocent. 705 00:32:32,791 --> 00:32:33,708 Enough. 706 00:32:36,125 --> 00:32:39,583 The judges will now convene to reach a verdict. 707 00:32:40,041 --> 00:32:42,125 Baudelaires, please take your seats. 708 00:32:42,208 --> 00:32:45,083 Everyone, put your blindfolds back on. 709 00:32:48,333 --> 00:32:49,583 You, too, Baudelaires. 710 00:32:50,041 --> 00:32:51,416 I don't want to put a blindfold on. 711 00:32:51,500 --> 00:32:54,416 We have to put our blindfolds on if we want to see justice served. 712 00:32:54,500 --> 00:32:56,541 If we put blindfolds on, we won't see anything at all. 713 00:32:56,625 --> 00:32:59,041 You don't have to put your blindfold on. I'll do it for you. 714 00:32:59,125 --> 00:32:59,958 Please don't. 715 00:33:00,208 --> 00:33:01,458 Stop. I have my 716 00:33:07,083 --> 00:33:09,000 No! Justice Strauss? 717 00:33:09,083 --> 00:33:10,958 [man] Justice Strauss cannot reply right now. 718 00:33:11,041 --> 00:33:13,125 She's concentrating very deeply on this case. 719 00:33:13,208 --> 00:33:14,958 -[yelps] -[woman] Justice Strauss is fine. 720 00:33:15,041 --> 00:33:18,750 She made that noise because she's enjoying a delicious piece of saltwater taffy. 721 00:33:18,833 --> 00:33:20,625 Those voices sound familiar. We have to look. 722 00:33:20,708 --> 00:33:23,375 -We'll be in contempt of court. -Maybe this court deserves contempt. 723 00:33:25,333 --> 00:33:27,458 [woman] The Baudelaires have taken off their blindfolds! 724 00:33:27,541 --> 00:33:28,833 They're guilty of contempt of court. 725 00:33:28,916 --> 00:33:31,250 We certainly are! This court is worthless and dishonorable! 726 00:33:31,333 --> 00:33:33,416 Two of those judges are working with Count Olaf! 727 00:33:33,500 --> 00:33:35,125 That's absurd. Justice Strauss can tell you 728 00:33:35,208 --> 00:33:37,166 we've served on the High Court for many years. 729 00:33:37,250 --> 00:33:40,250 Although she can't tell you that now because she's just taken a vow of silence. 730 00:33:40,333 --> 00:33:42,333 Justice Strauss, those judges are-- 731 00:33:42,416 --> 00:33:45,958 Everyone, take off your blindfolds! Count Olaf has kidnapped Justice Strauss! 732 00:33:46,041 --> 00:33:48,083 Those brats are liars! That's the truth! 733 00:33:48,166 --> 00:33:51,250 I believe them! They've experienced villainy before! 734 00:33:51,333 --> 00:33:53,083 I don't! They're nothing but trouble! 735 00:33:53,166 --> 00:33:55,083 They're telling the truth! Unless they're lying! 736 00:33:55,166 --> 00:33:56,125 They're murderers! 737 00:33:56,208 --> 00:33:57,375 They're cakesniffers! 738 00:33:57,458 --> 00:33:58,833 They're brave, like their mother! 739 00:33:58,916 --> 00:34:00,583 They're orphans, like their father! 740 00:34:00,666 --> 00:34:02,208 They're guilty! They're innocent! 741 00:34:02,291 --> 00:34:03,291 They're hypnotized! 742 00:34:03,375 --> 00:34:05,375 They're real big fans of Herman Melville! 743 00:34:05,458 --> 00:34:06,958 [man] Anyone taking off their blindfold 744 00:34:07,041 --> 00:34:08,416 will be arrested by the authorities. 745 00:34:08,500 --> 00:34:11,208 You can't trust the authorities. [woman] They're escaping! 746 00:34:11,291 --> 00:34:13,916 The Baudelaires are running to the elevator! Capture them! 747 00:34:16,750 --> 00:34:17,750 Going down? 748 00:34:17,833 --> 00:34:19,583 We're going wherever you're going. 749 00:34:20,541 --> 00:34:22,958 -I'm going to the laundry room. -[bell dings] 750 00:34:23,666 --> 00:34:25,333 [laughs wickedly] 751 00:34:25,416 --> 00:34:26,291 [bell dings] 752 00:34:26,375 --> 00:34:28,083 I have to retrieve the sugar bowl, 753 00:34:28,166 --> 00:34:30,750 then I'm going up to the roof to retrieve the Medusoid Mycelium, 754 00:34:30,833 --> 00:34:33,000 then I'm going down to the lobby to poison everyone, 755 00:34:33,083 --> 00:34:35,416 then I'm going back up to the roof to escape the authorities. 756 00:34:35,500 --> 00:34:37,791 It's a lot of ups and downs, but hey, so is life. 757 00:34:37,875 --> 00:34:39,833 You can't retrieve the sugar bowl without the code. 758 00:34:39,916 --> 00:34:42,041 Sure you can. This hotel is like a library, 759 00:34:42,125 --> 00:34:44,750 and you can find anything in a library if you have one thing. 760 00:34:44,833 --> 00:34:46,708 A catalog? A hostage. 761 00:34:47,333 --> 00:34:50,208 I found these clues to the code on that waiter that I boiled, 762 00:34:50,291 --> 00:34:52,875 and I'm sure the answers are in that black book of yours. 763 00:34:53,250 --> 00:34:55,583 Tell me, or eat harpoon! Never! 764 00:34:55,666 --> 00:34:57,791 Baudelaires, help me overpower this villain 765 00:34:57,875 --> 00:35:00,750 and bring him to the lobby so justice can be served! 766 00:35:00,833 --> 00:35:03,500 The other judges are his associates. They'll never put him in jail. 767 00:35:03,583 --> 00:35:04,750 But I've known them for years! 768 00:35:04,833 --> 00:35:07,666 They've always been very interested whenever I've mentioned you children. 769 00:35:07,750 --> 00:35:10,958 Of course they are, you fool! They're on my side of the schism! 770 00:35:11,041 --> 00:35:12,958 That trial was rigged from the start. 771 00:35:13,041 --> 00:35:15,375 I failed you again, Baudelaires. 772 00:35:16,375 --> 00:35:19,916 You will fail me if you don't help me open the lock. 773 00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:24,166 The first clue is the medical condition all three Baudelaires share. 774 00:35:25,791 --> 00:35:27,166 -Well? -[moans] 775 00:35:27,250 --> 00:35:30,000 We're allergic to peppermints. Klaus, what are you doing? 776 00:35:30,083 --> 00:35:33,208 Every noble person has failed us. Why should we protect the sugar bowl? 777 00:35:33,291 --> 00:35:34,291 [sighs] 778 00:35:38,291 --> 00:35:41,125 All right! Get out of my way! I know the answer to the next question. 779 00:35:41,208 --> 00:35:42,708 P-O-Y-- 780 00:35:42,791 --> 00:35:44,583 Those letters don't spell anything. 781 00:35:44,666 --> 00:35:46,208 Spelling doesn't count. Yes, it does! 782 00:35:46,583 --> 00:35:48,500 Tell me the phrase and I'll type it in. Fine. 783 00:35:48,958 --> 00:35:52,291 The second phrase is the weapon that left me an orphan. 784 00:35:53,458 --> 00:35:55,125 From that night at the opera. 785 00:35:55,208 --> 00:35:56,125 Poison dart. 786 00:35:56,208 --> 00:35:57,041 Yes. 787 00:35:57,416 --> 00:35:58,375 Type it in! 788 00:36:01,250 --> 00:36:03,416 The sugar bowl is so close I can taste it! 789 00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:07,708 The third clue is the famous unfathomable question 790 00:36:07,791 --> 00:36:10,750 in the best-known novel by Richard Wright. 791 00:36:10,833 --> 00:36:12,125 That's an interesting question. 792 00:36:12,208 --> 00:36:13,958 No one cares! 793 00:36:14,041 --> 00:36:15,291 Type it in! 794 00:36:15,583 --> 00:36:16,875 Klaus, why are you doing this? 795 00:36:16,958 --> 00:36:17,791 Because... 796 00:36:21,416 --> 00:36:23,958 -The sugar bowl isn't in the laundry room. -[gasps] 797 00:36:24,041 --> 00:36:25,041 Of course it's here. 798 00:36:25,125 --> 00:36:28,291 I saw that crow get shot and the sugar bowl fall into the vent. 799 00:36:29,916 --> 00:36:31,875 [Klaus] That vent doesn't lead to the laundry room. 800 00:36:31,958 --> 00:36:33,458 Dewey was right. The lock is a decoy. 801 00:36:33,916 --> 00:36:35,041 Then where is it? 802 00:36:35,125 --> 00:36:36,916 That secret died with Dewey Denouement. 803 00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,875 Then I guess he's not the only volunteer who will die today. 804 00:36:40,333 --> 00:36:43,041 If I can't get what I want, then nobody will. 805 00:36:43,125 --> 00:36:47,833 I'll unleash the Medusoid Mycelium and destroy every soul in this hotel! 806 00:36:47,916 --> 00:36:51,416 Those volunteers never thought I was noble enough. I'll show them! 807 00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:54,958 Those judges never thought I was wicked enough. I'll show them, too! 808 00:36:55,041 --> 00:36:57,958 I will get my revenge on everyone, 809 00:36:58,041 --> 00:37:03,500 and volunteers and villains alike will perish in anguish! 810 00:37:03,583 --> 00:37:05,500 You'll die with them. Oh, no. 811 00:37:05,583 --> 00:37:09,625 I'll just push the Carmelita II off the roof and sail away. 812 00:37:09,708 --> 00:37:11,500 You can't sail a boat off a tenstory building. 813 00:37:11,583 --> 00:37:13,541 The force of gravity would smash it to pieces! 814 00:37:13,625 --> 00:37:17,000 Well, then, I suppose I'll add gravity to my list of enemies. 815 00:37:17,083 --> 00:37:19,458 I'll get the boat off the roof. Violet, no! 816 00:37:19,541 --> 00:37:20,541 What are you doing? 817 00:37:20,625 --> 00:37:23,375 Nobody's safe as long as Count Olaf's here. We have to get him far away. 818 00:37:23,458 --> 00:37:24,458 Let's go! 819 00:37:24,833 --> 00:37:27,125 It's time to poison this hotel. 820 00:37:29,166 --> 00:37:30,458 What did the little brat say? 821 00:37:30,541 --> 00:37:32,833 She said, "Burn down hotel." Sunny, no! 822 00:37:32,916 --> 00:37:36,125 The littlest orphan is following in my footsteps! 823 00:37:36,208 --> 00:37:38,250 I was a good guardian after all! 824 00:37:38,333 --> 00:37:41,250 You were a terrible guardian! Sunny doesn't know what she's saying. 825 00:37:42,791 --> 00:37:43,625 [laughs] 826 00:37:43,708 --> 00:37:47,250 I was so busy planning revenge I forgot to take time for my hobbies. 827 00:37:47,333 --> 00:37:50,041 I'll just pour those flammable chemicals onto those sheets. 828 00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:54,958 What are you doing? Innocent people will get hurt. 829 00:37:57,500 --> 00:38:00,291 Sunny's right. If we warn people about the fungus, they might not listen. 830 00:38:00,375 --> 00:38:02,000 They never listen, but if there's a fire... 831 00:38:02,083 --> 00:38:04,041 -They might evacuate the building. -And be safe. 832 00:38:05,416 --> 00:38:07,125 You'll never get away with this! 833 00:38:07,208 --> 00:38:10,000 I have all the evidence of your treachery right here! 834 00:38:10,708 --> 00:38:11,916 [Strauss moans] 835 00:38:12,708 --> 00:38:14,375 [Strauss gasps, moans] 836 00:38:14,875 --> 00:38:16,416 Thanks for the kindling. 837 00:38:30,166 --> 00:38:33,833 Time to unleash a deadly fungus. 838 00:38:38,333 --> 00:38:39,625 [Strauss moans] 839 00:38:39,708 --> 00:38:41,666 I hope you know what you're doing, Baudelaires. 840 00:38:41,750 --> 00:38:43,500 -[Olaf growls] -[Strauss gasps] 841 00:38:43,583 --> 00:38:44,916 What are you doing, Baudelaires? 842 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:49,041 If we stop on every floor, I'll never reach the roof in time to poison everyone! 843 00:38:49,125 --> 00:38:52,333 That's brilliant! If we stop on every floor, we can warn everyone! 844 00:38:52,416 --> 00:38:53,750 And save all these people. 845 00:38:54,250 --> 00:38:56,291 Only the ones who will believe you. 846 00:38:58,000 --> 00:38:59,000 [bell dings] 847 00:39:00,625 --> 00:39:02,250 The hotel is on fire! 848 00:39:02,333 --> 00:39:05,291 A fire? Olaf, you're finally thinking big. 849 00:39:05,375 --> 00:39:07,541 There's no fire. The Baudelaires are trying to trick you! 850 00:39:07,625 --> 00:39:09,708 Whatever you do, stay where you are! 851 00:39:09,791 --> 00:39:11,541 We're not lying! Can't you smell the smoke? 852 00:39:11,625 --> 00:39:14,291 That's from the barbecue for the cocktail party! 853 00:39:14,375 --> 00:39:17,000 Typical Olaf. Throwing a party instead of starting a fire. 854 00:39:17,083 --> 00:39:19,708 And after we tried so hard to set a bad example. 855 00:39:19,791 --> 00:39:21,916 You have disappointed us for the last time. 856 00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:23,291 I certainly have. 857 00:39:23,958 --> 00:39:26,458 You're a disgrace to the legal profession! 858 00:39:27,041 --> 00:39:28,166 [bell dings] 859 00:39:28,250 --> 00:39:29,125 [Strauss moans] 860 00:39:29,208 --> 00:39:30,041 Fire! Fire! 861 00:39:30,125 --> 00:39:30,958 Argh! 862 00:39:31,041 --> 00:39:34,166 Klaus? You shouldn't add false reporting to your list of crimes. 863 00:39:34,250 --> 00:39:36,250 Next, they'll be saying Count Olaf is here! 864 00:39:36,333 --> 00:39:37,791 Count Olaf is here! 865 00:39:37,875 --> 00:39:40,708 There really is a fire! You have to leave! 866 00:39:40,791 --> 00:39:43,875 Follow me. I'm such a genius, I'll find the exit blindfolded. 867 00:39:43,958 --> 00:39:45,875 It's like the blind leading the blind. 868 00:39:46,375 --> 00:39:47,666 I've got you, sir. 869 00:39:50,041 --> 00:39:51,041 [bell dings] 870 00:39:51,125 --> 00:39:53,333 Fire! Fire? Oh, no! No, no, no! 871 00:39:53,416 --> 00:39:55,958 I think the stairs are this way! I think the stairs are that way! 872 00:39:56,041 --> 00:39:58,833 I don't like to argue. Let's compromise and just stand here. 873 00:40:00,625 --> 00:40:01,666 [bell dings] 874 00:40:01,750 --> 00:40:04,208 Esmé, Carmelita, the hotel is on fire. You have to get out! 875 00:40:04,291 --> 00:40:05,791 Why should we listen to cakesniffers? 876 00:40:05,875 --> 00:40:08,708 She's right. You orphans are as dishonest as my ex-boyfriend. 877 00:40:08,791 --> 00:40:12,541 No, seriously, it's a big fire. I swear. 878 00:40:12,625 --> 00:40:16,541 Also, the sugar bowl is definitely not down in the laundry room. 879 00:40:16,625 --> 00:40:19,541 He's lying. We'll take the stairs to the laundry room and grab it ourselves! 880 00:40:19,625 --> 00:40:22,000 At last, the sugar bowl is mine! 881 00:40:22,083 --> 00:40:23,083 [bell dings] 882 00:40:26,708 --> 00:40:30,083 Well, this wasn't my intention, but at least we got to start a fire. 883 00:40:35,708 --> 00:40:37,791 The fire isn't burning quickly. People will escape. 884 00:40:37,875 --> 00:40:41,166 It isn't burning slowly either. What if some people don't? 885 00:40:41,250 --> 00:40:44,500 I'll save the Medusoid Mycelium for a rainy day. 886 00:40:44,583 --> 00:40:46,916 If we didn't do something, Olaf would have poisoned everyone. 887 00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:48,875 -What choice did we have? -[crashing] 888 00:40:50,291 --> 00:40:53,333 The fire is weakening the structural integrity of the building. We have to go. 889 00:40:53,416 --> 00:40:54,750 Klaus, help me pull this down. 890 00:40:54,833 --> 00:40:57,083 Attach it to the oarlocks with the Devil's Tongue knot 891 00:40:57,166 --> 00:40:58,041 and make a drag chute. 892 00:40:58,125 --> 00:40:59,000 [Strauss] Baudelaires, 893 00:40:59,083 --> 00:41:02,500 I know it seems like running from the law is the answer, but it won't help. 894 00:41:02,583 --> 00:41:05,083 Why, when I was your age, I spent years 895 00:41:05,166 --> 00:41:07,250 -as a horse thief before-- -We're running out of time! 896 00:41:07,333 --> 00:41:08,833 Klaus, Sunny, help me tie this off. 897 00:41:08,916 --> 00:41:10,125 I'll stand here and supervise. 898 00:41:10,208 --> 00:41:12,500 Push the boat to the edge of the roof, or we'll all die. 899 00:41:13,291 --> 00:41:14,416 Fine. 900 00:41:14,500 --> 00:41:16,833 [straining] 901 00:41:17,666 --> 00:41:20,291 Justice Strauss, come with us. No, it isn't right! 902 00:41:20,375 --> 00:41:22,416 You can't run from the scene of a crime. 903 00:41:22,500 --> 00:41:26,125 Come with me, and we'll explain everything to the authorities. 904 00:41:26,208 --> 00:41:27,208 They might not believe us. 905 00:41:27,291 --> 00:41:29,166 Or they might be enemies. Look at the High Court. 906 00:41:29,250 --> 00:41:32,750 That's no excuse for running away! 907 00:41:32,833 --> 00:41:37,208 Justice Strauss, the law isn't always just. It isn't always good. 908 00:41:37,291 --> 00:41:38,291 That may be so, 909 00:41:38,375 --> 00:41:41,000 but I can still give you a home. 910 00:41:41,083 --> 00:41:42,833 I can keep you safe. 911 00:41:42,916 --> 00:41:47,000 I've been following you for so long, and you've always been out of my grasp, 912 00:41:47,083 --> 00:41:48,625 but I have you now, 913 00:41:48,708 --> 00:41:50,625 and I won't let you go. 914 00:41:51,916 --> 00:41:52,833 We're sorry. 915 00:41:53,958 --> 00:41:55,000 [gasps] 916 00:41:57,708 --> 00:41:59,083 I'm the captain! 917 00:42:00,458 --> 00:42:04,000 And I say shiver me timbers! 918 00:42:04,083 --> 00:42:05,250 [Olaf laughs] 919 00:42:05,333 --> 00:42:07,208 -Oh! -[gasps] 920 00:42:08,541 --> 00:42:11,791 [screaming] 921 00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:17,291 [whimpering] 922 00:42:31,166 --> 00:42:32,500 It's a terrible fire. 923 00:42:32,583 --> 00:42:33,916 At least if any volunteers see it, 924 00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:36,416 they'll know that the Last Safe Place isn't safe anymore. 925 00:42:36,500 --> 00:42:38,625 Oh, they'll know more than that. 926 00:42:39,041 --> 00:42:40,750 They'll know that I've won, 927 00:42:40,833 --> 00:42:42,750 that treachery has triumphed, 928 00:42:42,833 --> 00:42:47,458 and that the Baudelaire orphans are in my clutches at last. 929 00:42:47,875 --> 00:42:49,375 [laughs wickedly] 930 00:42:54,250 --> 00:42:58,458 [laughing continues] 931 00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:03,916 [Lemony] Since devoting my life to the case of the Baudelaires, 932 00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:06,250 there are many mysteries I have yet to solve. 933 00:43:07,791 --> 00:43:10,833 I have yet to learn the final resting place of the sugar bowl, 934 00:43:11,875 --> 00:43:14,833 though I have a theory involving a secret sub-basement 935 00:43:14,916 --> 00:43:17,541 and a mail chute disguised as a laundry vent. 936 00:43:17,958 --> 00:43:19,500 I have yet to learn why my sister 937 00:43:19,583 --> 00:43:22,416 did not return to the Hotel Denouement, as promised. 938 00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:24,291 [crashing] 939 00:43:24,375 --> 00:43:25,916 Though I fear the worst. 940 00:43:27,708 --> 00:43:31,791 However, I have learned the answer to the famous unfathomable question 941 00:43:31,875 --> 00:43:34,916 in the best-known novel by Richard Wright which asks, 942 00:43:36,333 --> 00:43:38,666 "Who knows when some slight shock, 943 00:43:38,750 --> 00:43:43,000 disturbing the delicate balance between social order and thirsty aspiration, 944 00:43:43,083 --> 00:43:46,125 shall send the skyscrapers in our cities toppling?" 945 00:43:47,500 --> 00:43:49,541 What this means is that a small event, 946 00:43:49,625 --> 00:43:53,083 like a man failing to give three children a ride in his taxi, 947 00:43:53,166 --> 00:43:55,041 could ripple and tremble, 948 00:43:55,125 --> 00:43:57,166 and bring down a building. 949 00:44:03,250 --> 00:44:05,708 Have you seen Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire? 950 00:44:06,416 --> 00:44:07,416 They're gone. 951 00:44:08,666 --> 00:44:10,875 I've traveled everywhere they've been, 952 00:44:10,958 --> 00:44:13,416 I've investigated everything they've been through, 953 00:44:13,500 --> 00:44:15,958 and now it's all gone up in flames. 954 00:44:16,541 --> 00:44:19,708 The only thing left of The Complete History of Injustice... 955 00:44:21,125 --> 00:44:22,458 is this photograph. 956 00:44:26,500 --> 00:44:27,666 [Strauss] Those poor children. 957 00:44:27,750 --> 00:44:30,125 If only someone could have protected them. 958 00:44:32,166 --> 00:44:33,666 Would you mind if I kept this? 959 00:44:34,166 --> 00:44:36,166 It's too painful to hold on to, 960 00:44:36,750 --> 00:44:39,458 although I can't imagine you'd have any use for it. 961 00:44:50,375 --> 00:44:52,750 This is not the story of Lemony Snicket. 962 00:44:54,541 --> 00:44:57,666 But if it were, I would tell you about a man, a woman, 963 00:44:57,750 --> 00:45:01,208 and a terrible crime that happened one night at the opera. 964 00:45:01,291 --> 00:45:03,916 I have to tell them the truth. I threw the dart, not you. 965 00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:06,125 It's my fault. It was my idea to steal the sugar bowl. 966 00:45:06,208 --> 00:45:09,166 I won't let you trade your life for mine. Your life is worth more. 967 00:45:10,416 --> 00:45:13,375 [man whistling] 968 00:45:14,208 --> 00:45:15,208 Beatrice... 969 00:45:15,541 --> 00:45:17,333 I will love you if I never see you again, 970 00:45:17,416 --> 00:45:20,083 and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. 971 00:45:20,166 --> 00:45:22,333 I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, 972 00:45:22,416 --> 00:45:24,833 and as the passengers love the lifeboat, 973 00:45:24,916 --> 00:45:27,083 and as the battlefield loves young men, 974 00:45:27,166 --> 00:45:29,041 and as peppermints love your allergies. 975 00:45:29,666 --> 00:45:32,583 I will love you as we grow older, which just happened and happened again, 976 00:45:32,666 --> 00:45:33,750 and will continue to happen. 977 00:45:33,833 --> 00:45:38,291 I will love you until every fire has been extinguished and every home rebuilt, 978 00:45:38,375 --> 00:45:40,541 and every code and heart has been broken. 979 00:45:41,708 --> 00:45:43,458 I will love you if you marry someone else, 980 00:45:43,541 --> 00:45:45,500 and I will love you if have a child, 981 00:45:45,583 --> 00:45:48,541 or two children, or three. Seems like a good number. 982 00:45:51,958 --> 00:45:53,291 I love you, Beatrice. 983 00:45:54,458 --> 00:45:55,666 I always will. 984 00:45:56,416 --> 00:45:58,500 You've always had a way with words. 985 00:45:59,083 --> 00:46:00,041 [man] He's over there! 986 00:46:02,625 --> 00:46:03,708 Please stay. 987 00:46:03,791 --> 00:46:05,083 [taxi door opens] 988 00:46:06,291 --> 00:46:08,125 That's not how this story goes. 989 00:46:08,208 --> 00:46:09,041 [bell dings] 990 00:46:09,125 --> 00:46:11,375 The story of Lemony Snicket would be a sad account 991 00:46:11,458 --> 00:46:14,500 of the brave men and women who formed a secret organization 992 00:46:14,583 --> 00:46:16,083 with noble intentions, 993 00:46:16,708 --> 00:46:18,750 only to find it wrecked by a schism, 994 00:46:18,833 --> 00:46:22,500 a series of fires, and their own tragic mistakes. 995 00:46:22,583 --> 00:46:24,291 Beatrice will pay for this. 996 00:46:24,375 --> 00:46:25,375 Oh, no. 997 00:46:26,291 --> 00:46:27,833 She'll burn. 998 00:46:33,083 --> 00:46:36,250 The story of Lemony Snicket would be long and lonely 999 00:46:36,333 --> 00:46:37,875 and incomplete. 1000 00:46:38,541 --> 00:46:40,041 But this is not that story. 1001 00:46:43,791 --> 00:46:46,458 This is the story of the Baudelaire orphans... 1002 00:46:47,208 --> 00:46:49,250 and I am merely the person telling it. 1003 00:46:50,250 --> 00:46:51,750 My name is Lemony Snicket, 1004 00:46:52,958 --> 00:46:57,791 and it is my solemn duty to investigate the lives of the Baudelaire orphans... 1005 00:46:58,333 --> 00:46:59,500 because if I do... 1006 00:47:00,958 --> 00:47:03,333 I may be able to find them again. 1007 00:47:04,875 --> 00:47:06,500 [inhales deeply] 1008 00:47:06,583 --> 00:47:08,583 [exhales] 1009 00:47:17,791 --> 00:47:21,166 ♪ You might think that the Baudelaires ought to prevail ♪ 1010 00:47:21,708 --> 00:47:24,875 ♪ Be tucked someplace all safe and sound ♪ 1011 00:47:25,750 --> 00:47:28,916 ♪ Count Olaf captured and rotting in jail ♪ 1012 00:47:29,333 --> 00:47:32,125 ♪ Those henchpeople nowhere around ♪ 1013 00:47:32,708 --> 00:47:34,791 ♪ But there's no happy endings ♪ 1014 00:47:34,875 --> 00:47:36,875 ♪ Not here and not now ♪ 1015 00:47:36,958 --> 00:47:40,041 ♪ This tale is all sorrows and woes ♪ 1016 00:47:40,416 --> 00:47:44,041 ♪ You might dream that justice and peace win the day ♪ 1017 00:47:44,125 --> 00:47:48,541 ♪ But that's not how the story goes ♪ 1018 00:47:49,750 --> 00:47:51,708 ♪ You might think that two parents ♪ 1019 00:47:51,791 --> 00:47:53,541 ♪ Both brave and both true ♪ 1020 00:47:53,625 --> 00:47:56,750 ♪ Would live to a nice, ripe old age ♪ 1021 00:47:57,375 --> 00:47:58,875 ♪ But I'm sad to say ♪ 1022 00:47:58,958 --> 00:48:01,166 ♪ I have bad news for you ♪ 1023 00:48:01,250 --> 00:48:04,208 ♪ The curtain rings down on the stage ♪ 1024 00:48:04,541 --> 00:48:06,666 ♪ Yes, there's no happy endings ♪ 1025 00:48:06,750 --> 00:48:08,500 ♪ Not here and not now ♪ 1026 00:48:08,583 --> 00:48:12,166 ♪ This tale is all sorrows and woes ♪ 1027 00:48:12,250 --> 00:48:15,916 ♪ You might dream that justice and peace win the day ♪ 1028 00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:19,541 ♪ But that's not how the story goes ♪ 1029 00:48:21,541 --> 00:48:23,541 ♪ There's no happy endings ♪ 1030 00:48:23,625 --> 00:48:25,500 ♪ Not here and not now ♪ 1031 00:48:25,583 --> 00:48:28,625 ♪ This tale is all sorrows and woes ♪ 1032 00:48:29,166 --> 00:48:32,750 ♪ You might dream that justice and peace win the day ♪ 1033 00:48:32,833 --> 00:48:37,083 ♪ But that's not how the story goes ♪ 1034 00:48:40,416 --> 00:48:42,333 ♪ There's no happy endings ♪ 1035 00:48:42,416 --> 00:48:44,125 ♪ Not here and not now ♪ 1036 00:48:44,208 --> 00:48:47,291 ♪ This tale is all sorrows and woes ♪ 1037 00:48:47,833 --> 00:48:51,458 ♪ You might dream that justice and peace win the day ♪ 1038 00:48:51,541 --> 00:48:55,333 ♪ But that's not how the story goes ♪ 1039 00:48:55,416 --> 00:48:57,083 ♪ Some people smile... ♪ 1040 00:48:57,166 --> 00:48:59,916 [Lemony] It's now been many years, months, and sleepless nights 1041 00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:02,750 since I began to investigate the Baudelaire orphans, 1042 00:49:02,833 --> 00:49:04,125 but despite all my research, 1043 00:49:04,208 --> 00:49:07,000 I have been unable to determine their whereabouts. 1044 00:49:07,916 --> 00:49:09,791 I cannot find them. I cannot help them. 1045 00:49:09,875 --> 00:49:12,333 I can only hope that they're alive and safe... 1046 00:49:16,291 --> 00:49:17,833 wherever they are now. 1047 00:49:52,541 --> 00:49:54,750 [theme music playing]