That's enough. Let's withdraw and wait for backup.
The year is 50 B.C.
All of Gaul is occupied by the Romans.
Well, not all of it.
A village of indomitable Gauls still resists.
- Yeah, yeah. - Yes, indeed.
Life isn't easy for the Roman soldiers
in the camps of Butterdrum,
Aquarium, Laudanum, and Lilchum.
Honestly, Metadata?
If we say that, Caesar will throw us to the lions.
But not all of Gaul is occupied.
It's fine. Almost all of it is.
It's this close to being "all."
"All" and "almost all" are not the same thing.
They almost are. Same thing.
What do you know? You've never been there.
I'm sure I'd be better off there.
Hey, stylus-pushers! What's going on?
We're waiting for you.
Julius Caesar has arrived?
- He's on his way. - And my uncle?
Oh, he's here all right.
Okay. Wait for it. How about this one?
What's the difference between a Gaul and a wild boar?
No? Nobody?
Well, one of them is hairy and goes…
And the other…
is a wild boar!
A wild boar!
No, it's just, you know,
you'd expect me to say the other one was a Gaul,
because a wild boar is all hairy and goes…
But actually, no.
That's the joke!
Hail Caesar!
So, for your triumph, we thought about creating…
a mosaic!
A mosaic?
That's right.
It's a bold choice, but rest assured, there's a clear message.
And this is it, good versus evil.
Half of your imperial face on one side
and a smaller Vercingetorix on the right.
So what's the core idea?
Rome dominating the weak. The dominator and the dominated.
And no holding back on style. We're breaking the rules.
No more pastels. We're going all in on red.
We got great feedback on it.
I asked for a powerful idea, and you come up with a mosaic?
What is this crackpot idea?
No.
Okay. Another proposal.
Okay, I know, it's still a mosaic.
But this is your triumph right here.
What's the narrative here?
That all of Gaul is occupied.
Yes, Mom? What?
"All of Gaul is occupied," no, no.
A village of indomitable Gauls resists--
Mom, please. We're talking one village.
- "All" is fine. - Yes.
"Almost all" is this close to "all of it."
Not if one village remains.
- Fastanfurius! - Yes?
Why are those Gauls still… Gauls?
It's their magic potion. It gives them superhuman strength.
- It's impossible-- - Impossible is not Roman!
I want them groveling before me,
surrendering to Rome's power once and for all,
and obeying Roman law!
That may be possible,
using Gallic laws.
Sorry, O Caesar,
my niece has a habit of talking nonsense.
Shut up, put a toga on. What's with the barbarian breeches?
I dress how I want! The year's minus 50.
Fifty years before what?
O Caesar, you've surely heard about the Big Fight?
About the… Yes, of course.
If a Gallic chief wants to seize another village,
he challenges the other chief to a fight.
The winning chief becomes chief of both tribes.
So, if a Gallo-Roman chief, a Gallic chief devoted to Rome,
beats the indomitable Gauls' chief,
he gets to take over.
And the Gauls become Romans!
Gallo-Romans. But yes, we can say Romans.
Not only will those barbarians be defeated,
but also humiliated, trapped by their own traditions.
Forget the mosaics!
The Big Fight will celebrate my triumph!
A grand spectacle,
with those Gauls bowing down to me as the grand finale!
They'll be under my boot!
I love it.
You're in charge of planning the fight, Bigfarma.
My name's Metadata.
Pack your bags, you leave tomorrow.
I'm going to Gaul? Thank you, Caesar.
Fastanfurius, you'll help with logistics.
He's coming too?
If you fail, I'll throw you to the lions!
"Lions" as in the animal?
With the mane?
Caesar has spoken!
I shall go, I shall see, I shall conquer!
Nice phrase! We'll get it engraved.
Then I shall return,
I shall tell you all about it,
and I shall have a bite to eat.
Maybe not that part.
ASTERIX & OBELIX: THE BIG FIGHT
My dear friends!
The Romans haven't bothered us for 30 days.
Thanks to our druid's magic potion,
we are and we will remain indomitable!
Long live our druid!
Long live Panoramix!
Thank you, my friends.
But…
We only have one thing to fear,
that the sky will fall on our heads.
So let us give thanks to Toutatis with this banquet
and these offerings!
I composed a serenade for Toutatis, which is called,
"Toutatis, 'tis all for you."
Toutatis, 'tis all for--
- Asterix. - Yes?
Would it be okay if I said,
"This menhir is like our village's unity,
as solid as a menhir."
Yes. Sounds good.
Comparing the village to a menhir.
Yeah, nice.
- But you do say "menhir" twice. - I know.
- There aren't 1,000 words for "menhir." - I know.
What if you sang it?
This menhir--
Impedimenta.
Weren't you and Vitalstatistix planning to go to Lutetia?
We were, but with the Romans and looking after the hut,
the daily grind held us back.
We know.
But tomorrow, we're finally going.
Right, Piggywiggy?
- We leave tomorrow. - Oh, yes.
- Go easy on the sauce. - What?
I'm honoring Toutatis.
In Lutetia, it'll be veg-only.
Come on, it's just fat. It can't do us any harm.
Offerings, offerings, offerings!
Okay.
I think I know who this is from.
- Give us a speech, Obelix! - Go on, give us a speech!
"This menhir," Obelix.
- "This menhir…" - This menhir…
Louder! We can't hear you!
Obelix told me this menhir is like our village's unity,
as solid as a rock!
Yeah!
Well said!
Bravo!
Thanks, Asterix.
That's what friends are for.
Potus!
Yes?
Po-po-tu-tus?
Yes, yes, yes, yes?
Potus?
Potus!
What's that?
The relief troops.
The relief troops are here!
Were you just attacked?
Oh, no.
It's just that last night…
we celebrated 30 days of truce with the Gauls.
We got totally plastered.
About time we showed up, then.
It is, indeed.
Well, that's fantastic news.
That's the spirit.
Well, I better not take up any more of your time.
We'll leave you to it. Let's go. Hail!
Hey!
You're not going anywhere.
Yes, you're taking our place.
- Hail! - No.
Not "hail." Get the tents ready for my troops.
You're being commandeered.
Commandeered? To do what?
To get rid of those Gauls once and for all.
Operation Big Fight has begun.
- Is that a boar squealing? - Ouch!
It must be the bard rehearsing a lullaby.
No, I'm right here.
We were finally going to Lutetia, and what does he do the night before?
He pigs out and now acts like the sky's fallen on his head.
It's not my head that hurts.
Maybe more like here?
Ouch!
Yes, it is in fact the liver.
Who knew that could hurt?
Impedimenta and I warned you, but you didn't listen.
You ate too much.
Who knew you could eat too much?
- Give me a potion to heal me. - Potions can't fix everything.
- Who knew potions-- - Okay, Obelix.
Eat less or get some help. Panoramix already suggested you go see--
Apothika, Apothika, I know.
Enough about that shrink. I'm doing just fine.
- It doesn't even hurt anymore. - Really?
- Not at all. - Here?
Can I try too?
No!
- Obelix, don't touch. - Touch what?
- This. - Oh, no.
Easy, kids. His liver isn't a Roman road.
Dogmatix, come here, my boy.
No!
Okay, fine, drink this.
Thank you.
Okay, if you feel better, join me, but I'm leaving.
But, Peddy, you can't go to Lutetia on your own.
- The roads aren't safe. - I'll take Panoramix's potion.
There's none left.
Make some more then!
So, the official box could go here.
We can see the village from here.
What filth.
I'd burn the whole place down if I could.
But that's not the plan.
So, step one, give the Gauls a chance to surrender.
Can't we skip ahead to step two?
Step two, find a Gallo-Roman chief to challenge Vitalstatistix.
And three, win the Big Fight, the Gauls become Gallo-Romans,
and Caesar is triumphant.
Yeah.
Didn't we skip step two-B, where they don't drink the magic potion?
It's a major issue for us.
We keep the druid away from the fight.
No druid, no magic potion.
Easy-Caesey.
- Metadata, how much of it do we clear? - Clear all of it.
- Let's get clearing. - Wait.
Why so many trees?
So, what do we do now then?
We'll do as she said.
Keep the druid away.
But for good.
Underground.
Take a few men and go take care of it.
- Me? - Execute!
We'll end up with two indomitable villages.
Carve my words.
What's that?
That's catfish.
Oh, no, sorry, it's sea bream. My bad.
Unhygienix, are your fish really fresh?
I picked them up off the beach last week.
I maintained the lukewarm chain.
Look no further.
- But there are flies. - I won't charge you for them.
Hang on. Panoramix?
- Do you sell wild boar? - No, only fish.
- Too bad. - I'd like to, but it's not the same trade.
- Where are you going? - To the forest.
For magic potion ingredients,
since that's all I'm good for.
- I'll go with you. - No, it's fine. Thanks.
I could do with a little solitude.
Okay, then.
I get why Panoramix wants to be alone.
Always seeing the same old faces.
Lucky we're surrounded by Romans, otherwise…
- You'd suffocate? - Exactly.
Hey! That's great camouflage.
Nicely done.
Thanks, I appreciate it.
Plus, the acorns.
Great idea.
Yeah, I thought, "Oak tree forest, acorns, it makes sense."
Totally, totally.
Had it been chestnut trees, I'd have used chestnuts.
- Right. - But since they are oak trees--
Shut up or they'll spot us!
Come, follow me.
In silence. By Mercury, Mars, Juno, and Jupiter.
Hey, maybe we have too many gods.
True. We should just pick one and be done with it.
One god for everything?
A god of war, land, sea, wind, and the harvest?
That's a tall order.
Maybe not the harvest, then.
We're saying "god," but it could be a goddess--
- Shut up! - We'll discuss this later.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - Our fishmonger should sell wild boar?
No.
I don't like our druid being alone in the forest.
I'm going. You coming?
Well, yes.
I'll finish this non-rush order later.
Why not leave your menhir here?
For some kid to snatch?
None of them ever ask me,
"Panoramix, are you tired, want a rest?"
No, of course not.
I'm just there to heal everyone, day and night.
As expected.
What a beauty.
So,
four-leaf clover, four-leaf clover, four-leaf clover…
Nope, that's a five-toed foot.
A foot?
Capture him!
Okay, if Unhygienix doesn't want to sell wild boar, that's his right.
We can't make him. End of story.
But it would be nice for the villagers who don't like fish
to have, I don't know, some kind of place to sell, exchange,
and trade wild boar, for example.
It's just an idea.
Right, so just like a fishmonger, there'd be…
- A wildboarmonger. - Okay, right.
You see? Yep.
- For those who don't like fish. - Yes.
There's a lot of us.
Me, for a start.
And Dogmatix.
So, you'd be selling both menhirs and wild boars?
I don't know. Maybe.
- Let's consider it at least. - Let me go!
Let me go!
- Let me go, Romans! - Hold him still!
Ouch! He bit me!
Ouch! He kicked me in the face!
Panoramix!
The Gauls! Retreat!
I'll make them scatter all right!
No, Obelix!
Really, Obelix?
Well done! Really. I'm lost for words.
- Good job. - I made them scatter.
And flattened our druid in the process.
You're a klutz.
A klutz?
A klutz?!
So Mr. Asterix drops his potion flask and then calls me a klutz?
Well, sorry we didn't all fall into it like Mr. Obelix.
I suppose Mr. Asterix didn't play a part in that at all.
That has nothing to do with--
Let's get him out.
Panoramix?
How is it mission accomplished?
Well, I'll cut a long story short.
We found a spot, camouflaged ourselves, waited in position, yada-yada-yadicum.
And who shows up?
The druid!
I shouted, "Capture him!"
Then bim, bam, boom!
Branch swipe, stump strike, and bim!
I don't mess around. Ask them. They know me.
Anyway, mission accomplished. We left him for dead.
Dead? I said to keep him away from the fight.
- Who said to-- - Me.
But, Uncle, why?
Caesar's orders. Remember?
I handle logistics and you, the show.
So, I'll handle the druid,
and you stick to event planning.
Bravo, Potus.
Thank you.
There's a good Tutus.
- Good Tutus. - Yes.
Furius' little Tutus.
- That's just the way we-- - Yeah.
Now we just have to find a Gallo-Roman chief for the fight.
I know one not too far.
- Devoted to Rome and mighty as Mars. - Devoted to Rome?
You won't be disappointed.
I want more columns!
Cassius Ceramix, O Chief,
don't we have enough columns?
I want more!
We have to be more colonized!
I want to create a little Rome.
A little Rome. Okay.
We also need names ending in "us."
- Like the Romans. - "Us" names.
- Great idea, Chief. - Let's keep some Gaulish identity.
- No! - Well, I like the new style.
We are Gallo-Romans, by Jupiter and Toutatis.
So, Tenmillionclix, from now on, you'll be known as Tenmillionviews.
And what will my name be, Chief?
- Let's discuss it later, Sycophantix. - Okay.
So, to re-crap, a little Rome, more columns, and names ending in "us."
- And an aqueduct. - An aqueduct.
- Okay. - They look Roman.
And for the last time, cut your braids and mustache!
But I won't be manly without my braids.
And without a mustache, I'd have a big gap between my nose and--
End of discussion.
Hail!
Welcome, our beloved invaders.
Hail.
May we also invade your home for a chat, Cassius Ceramix?
Just call me "Cassius." It's less Gaul.
Of course. Veni, veni.
Now that's our kind of Gaul.
Not much of Gaul left here now.
Had I known, I'd have organized some games.
It's no Roman wine, but I like the name,
Chatopetrus.
Cassius Ceramix, are you familiar with the Big Fight?
A silly Gallic tradition.
Yes, why?
We want you to fight a Gallic chief and take over his tribe once you win.
Feel up to it?
Do I feel up to it?
Is that a serious question?
I'm the best, by Vulcan!
Let me show you.
I'll flatten him like a pancake.
- So who is it? It'll be a massacre. - Vitalstatistix.
Vitalstatistix?
But that'll be a massacre. That potion gives him superhuman strength.
Don't worry.
I am worried. Massively.
They have no more potion.
No more magic potion?
No druid, no potion. It's over.
You'll wipe the floor with Vitalstatistix.
Then you could even challenge other chiefs and take over their clans.
Every single Gallic clan, if you want.
You'd be like a general, in a way.
General de Gaul.
Panoramix's remedy did the trick, Peddy.
Off we go to Lutetia. A quick drink and we'll hit the road.
What? You'd rather leave right away?
Yes, I threw the menhir.
But just a light toss. Don't make a dolmen out of a molehill.
Hush, he's waking up.
See, as I was saying, menhirs aren't dangerous.
How are you feeling?
Very well.
Thanks, ma'am.
"Ma'am"?
It's me, Impedimenta.
Nice to meet you.
Hang on. Panoramix.
And me?
Do you recognize me?
Asterix.
You have a big nose.
By Belenus,
our druid has lost his memory.
- And we're out of magic potion. - Magic potion?
Yes! Remember the recipe?
No.
But we can ask him.
Ask who?
Beardix.
- Hello, Beardix. - Hello!
How are you, Beardix?
Hair-raisingly good.
Do you know the recipe for the magic potion, Beardix?
No.
But I do know the recipe for a good laugh.
Okay, go ahead.
Repeat after me.
When I say "beard," you say "ix."
Beard…
Ix.
Beard…
He's lost it.
He's totally lost it.
Come on, it's easy!
Beard…
By Toutatis, we're doomed.
Ix!
ASTERIX & OBELIX: THE BIG FIGHT
Subtitle translation by: James Preston