[ominous classical music plays]
[grunts]
In your face, Captain Armorica!
[grunts]
[laughs]
Metadata, we've been walking all night and I'm pooped!
Come on, Potus. One more attraction to check.
Oh, I can't do roller coasters.
The wind in my face dries out my sinuses.
Not my cuppa tea at all.
- I like hook-a-duck or splat the rat. - Oh, who cares? Come on, Potus!
Oh, no, water! We'll end up soaking wet.
[charming folkloric music plays]
[sighs]
♪ It's a Roman world No, Gallic it is not ♪
♪ Clap your hands, you must Respect all of our laws ♪
♪ It's a Roman world Not an Egyptian world ♪
♪ Nor Greek or African It's just a world that's pure Roman ♪
♪ In this Roman world Oh, wow, it is so nice ♪
♪ A wonderful world No nothing can compare ♪
♪ If you don't like this Then we will impose it ♪
♪ We'll throw you to the lions If you cause rebellion ♪
♪ Bread and circuses Yes, that is our motto ♪
♪ What the crowds all want Is to have a good seat ♪
♪ It's a Roman world Wherever… ♪
This tune'll be stuck in my head all day.
♪ There is nothing bad here In this Roman world ♪
ASTÉRIX & OBÉLIX: THE BIG FIGHT
Hello, I am Hannabarbera.
Hello, and I'm Blackangus.
Welcome to the Big Fight, everyone!
So, Blackangus, who are the two fighters competing today?
Well, Hannabarbera, first we've the Gaul, Vitalstatistix.
His strength is matched by his courage.
He's the chief of the indomitables,
and he intends to remain so until the sky falls down on his head.
[clangs]
And the sky might well be his challenger!
Aye! He will face Cassius Ceramix, the Gallo-Roman.
And by that, I mean a Gaul who recognizes the greatness of Rome.
And whether it be in speed, in impact, in strength,
and, of course, in fealty to Rome, he is our champion!
It'll be a clash packed with action. Won't it, Blackangus?
Aye, Hannabarbera, it will.
We expect to see violence,
and savagery, and cruelty,
as a lot of the public have come here with their families!
[woman on Tannoy] Little Romulus's waiting for his parents near the wolves pen.
Little Romulus, thank you.
"So, at the end of the fight, the chief who's vanquished
will submit control of his tribe to the winner."
[all chatter nervously]
No! I'll never submit to a Gallo-Roman.
I know, but we're not there yet, are we?
We're not far from it.
Our druid's still lost all sense of reason.
["You Never Can Tell" by Chuck Berry plays]
And without magic potion, you won't beat Cassius Ceramix.
With a little bit of training I don't see why I couldn't…
You don't stand a chance at all! Even I'd be a better option.
- [scoffs] - You may just have a point.
Oh, come on, Pidiped, you can't be serious.
- With no stick, he'll fall down. - You'll see if I fall down!
- Ow! - No, no, he's got me thinking.
We should change our chief.
Huh? Change our chief?
Yes, 'cause to win the Big Fight we need our strongest Gaul, Obelix.
[brash musical flourish plays]
But… are we allowed to do that?
- Where does it say? Hmm. - There.
[Geriatrix] Oh, it's engraved in small print.
"If need be, the village chief can be replaced
by any member of the tribe who is picked for the occasion."
- [all chatter approvingly] - There you are! We can make Obelix chief.
What about me?
But what about you what?
I don't see why you don't pick me.
Because Obelix is the only one who can win.
How many times we gotta say it?
Do you honestly think he's stronger than this, eh?
- I do. - We should let the people decide.
My friends, name your blacksmith chief of this village,
and we'll regain our strength and serenity.
With me, Fulliautomatix, the quiet forge.
No, no, that won't work!
There you are, thank you.
What this village needs is someone who has experience.
- Not at all! - As the former chief of the village…
Here we go! Same old wine in a new bottle? No.
Not on your nelly. The Gauls want to see new faces.
In that case, we might as well try a brand-new face.
- Like me, for example. - I'm with you, sister.
No… Yes, I do agree. But not now, dear, all right?
Wait, wait, wait.
Being the chief demands a good relationship with the clientele.
- Oh, no, because… - And as a fishmonger…
You're a poisoner, huh!
Pick me, and I'll move his shop to the neighbouring village!
- Oh, yeah? - Further from the sea. Will that do?
[villagers] Ooh!
- Wait, hold on! No! - [grunting]
- No, no, no! - [Vitalstatistix] Gauls!
- [all clamouring] - [sighs]
[Hannabarbera] So here we are, Blackangus!
Oh, yes, absolutely.
This battle will be ugly, and the public expect it that way.
You're not wrong, Blackangus.
- Is it true you've had over 90 fights? - I have indeed.
Five wins of the Raeburn shield, 12 executions, so I'm an old hand.
That's very rare for a gladiator, no?
Ah, well! That's what I always say to the kids.
The hardest part is to carry on.
- I have a little question for you. - Aye?
How does one feel before such a fight?
Well, you gotta stay focused, you gotta clear your head,
and above all, you keep calm.
[all clamouring]
[grunting]
- [clanging] - [yelps]
[chicken squawks angrily]
Excuse me?
Excuse me!
[all yelling]
Er, sorry to bother you!
I'm looking for your chief.
- Our chief? - For the Big Fight.
Oh, yeah, the Big Fight, sure.
One minute.
No rush, take your time, I'll wait by the chariot outside.
Cheers, thanks a lot.
- Just outside the village. - [Vitalstatistix] Yeah.
Children, my wife is right.
So you know the fishmonger's, the blacksmith's…
- [Vitalstatistix] We know where you are. - I'll wait just there.
So, I was saying, Impedimenta's right.
The future of the village is at stake.
I agree to hand over the role of chief to Obelix.
Has anyone actually seen Obelix?
- [Obelix] No. - [Vitalstatistix] What do you mean, no?
No, no, no. Asterix is right.
I've done enough stupid things. You deserve a better chief.
No, Obelix. It would be for the fight and no longer.
No, no, no, no.
I'm good for delivering menhirs.
And that's all. Huh. And I'm hopeless at that.
[scoffs] Look, our chief isn't asking you,
he's chosen you. So, you're our chief.
Hmm?
All right.
Okay.
All right, I accept.
Ah! Thank you, Obelix.
And as your chief,
I name Asterix as our chief. There.
Huh? Er, what?
I'm your chief, I name you chief. So you're chief, that's it.
Oh, okay, I see. Well, considering I'm your chief,
I make you our chief. There.
Hmm? And I'm reappointing you chief.
- I re-reappoint you chief. - No, you chief.
- You chief! You! - You chief.
- Not allowed to reappoint. - I'm one chief ahead.
- You chief. - You chief!
- Chief! Chief! Chief! - Chief! Chief! Chief!
[both continue rapidly]
Enough now! Stop acting like children.
- He started it. - He's such a liar.
Obelix, our only hope is you.
- You must agree to be chief. - [exhales]
Erm, can I open a wild boar shop, for those people who don't like fish?
Of course, you'd be the chief.
But I won't have to make speeches, will I?
You'll be chief. You won't have to do anything.
- Yes, but, will Asterix stop always… - Finishing your sentences? Yes, Obelix.
All right then, sure.
[people chatter excitedly and congratulate]
[hopeful classical music plays]
[grunts] There. I'm his trainer!
[Obelix] Geriatrix, do you think a wild boar shop is a good idea,
as a first decision as chief?
[Geriatrix] Eh, will you still do menhirs and have a wild boar shop?
[Blackangus] Well, we're a few hourglasses away,
or should I say, a few grains of sand away from the beginning of the fight.
The cheap seats are filling up little by little.
It's taking a while but I can feel it in my bones that this is going to be…
Hold on, Blackangus, I see a VIP heading towards the red mosaic right now!
["Whatta Man" by Salt-N-Pepa plays]
[Blackangus] Aye, it's him!
- [crowd cheers] - [woman 1] Caesar!
- [man 1] Caesar! - [woman 2] I love you, Caesar!
[man 2] I wanna be you!
[Blackangus] Oh, what a handsome man!
- There? - Caesar!
- Give a smile, Caesar! - Hey, Mr. Caesar!
- This way, this way! - Give us a smile!
[clicking rapidly]
- Oh, yeah! - Very noble.
[paparazzo] One can see why he's wearing laurels.
- Simply marvellous! - [man] Lovely!
Not that I want to grovel at all, but he's still extremely sculpturogenic.
But you are kind of grovelling.
Well, you're not wrong. You're not wrong.
[paparazzo] Over here!
Okay, thank you, but that's enough now.
Julius, just one more!
No, no more. You've had quite enough. Julius, come on.
[all sigh sadly]
It's impossible to work.
Look, look, look. There! Look, she's coming!
- Is it someone important? - Of course, it is! Look, it's her.
[woman] Cleopatra, this way please!
Over here, Cleopatra!
- [man 1] Look this way! - [man 2] Can you face us as well?
[man 3] Not just the profile, if you please.
This way, please.
The referee, Twinpix, is waiting for you inside.
For the weigh-in.
Okay then, now, you can step on the scales.
[Dogmatix whines]
So, you're a heavyweight then.
Really?
And without Dogmatix?
[panting]
[adventurous music plays]
[Blackangus] Oh, look, er… Barbera!
The Gallic tribe is arriving to see the big feat.
And if I may add, their de-feat.
- [both laugh] - [Blackangus] That's funny.
[lively classical music plays]
[vendor 1] Kiddywinks! Who wants a candy-floss moustache?
It's full of sugar. It's good for children.
[vendor 2] Roll up, roll up, hop in the bumper chariots!
So if Cassius Ceramix wins today,
it would see the conquest of all Gaul by Caesar!
Absolutely. So we expect to see a fight fought with no mercy.
And the sweet smell of triumph.
Oh, well, er… [laughs] I can't smell nothing.
Not since the day that I shoved a trident up my nose.
Can't smell a thing. Anyway, enough about me. [snorts]
[vendor 3] Omen chicken! Who wants an omen chicken?
Yesterday's chickens tell the news of tomorrow.
Omen chicken,
with the chick supplement special on property,
"Should I invest in Pompeii?"
Of course, you should invest in Pompeii.
If I could afford it, I'd get a little hut right at the foot of the volcano.
You wouldn't see me for dust. It'd be a sound investment.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
Oh, what truly dreadful seats. They are so uncomfortable.
This is the worst birthday of my life. Pompey wouldn't do this to his mother.
[Caesar grumbles]
[laughs] Here's another one.
How do you tell the difference between a Gaul and his wife?
The length of their moustache! [laughs]
And so for the rest of the program,
after the loser hands the shield to the winner,
we thought we could dine tonight in the Gaulish village.
Really? My birthday dinner in a village in Gaul? Charming.
Oh, yeah! And the menu is Gallo-Roman. Thought we'd go fusion. Yeah?
What's fusion? Is it good food mixed with bad food?
Let's discuss this later, shall we?
All right, what about this one? A wild boar in a toga goes into a tavern…
- [Caesar] Fastanfurius, come here. - Mmm?
I'll tell you later.
[whispers] Do you have everything ready?
Yes, all is ready, Caesar.
[Caesar] Very good. Very good.
[woman on Tannoy] Little Anonymus, your parents are waiting
at the bumper chariots.
- Little Anonymus… - [artist] Don't move.
I'm nearly there, just finishing my caricature.
And there you are.
[both laugh]
- He put a lot into that! - Oh!
[riders exclaim and laugh]
[both scream]
[jolly carnival music plays]
[both continue screaming]
I'm sorry, Caesar.
Would you mind if you posed for a quick mosaic?
No, but of course! My pleasure.
[tiles rattle]
- [tiles rattle] - Ah.
[tiles rattle]
Mmm…
[tiles rattle]
I imagine you do this an awful lot. Must be a pain.
Well, it is our era. I'm happy to.
This wine is tip-top. It's fermented in a vineyard nearby.
You'll see, it's very woody, with fruity notes. Would you care to try?
Excuse me, excuse me. Metadata, a change of plan.
I wrote it down.
You can taste chestnut and cherries from the Pyrenees…
It won't be Vitalstatistix any more.
- They have a new chief, a certain Obelix. - [gasps]
I'll find something less tannic.
Oh, no! Not Obelix!
Or Obel-nine.
I don't know if this is an "X", or one and ten, and that's nine.
What's the difference?
Huge! Obelix fell into the magic potion pot
when he was just a kid.
The effects on him were permanent! Oh, no.
It's all gone wrong.
Not Obelix.
Or… Or… Obe-59.
'Cause the "L" is 50.
Not sure.
[sighs]
["It's A Roman World" plays distantly]
[both] Mmm.
Ah! Can you watch them for a bit?
Chief.
[Copacetix] Blimey, they'll be brimming with energy after all that.
[both snore]
Chief, let me help you.
It's a snack for Obelix before the meal.
- I mean, before the fight. - Mmm.
I can't wait for this to be over so that we can get back to normal.
Well, I'm starting to enjoy our life now.
Mmm, they're delicious, these Greek meatballs.
Hmm. What was that?
I think they've got some veggies inside, but they taste great to me.
No, the bit about enjoying this life now. What exactly?
I love not being chief any more.
Asterix, being the chief is a weight on your shoulders.
That's what my bearers often say too.
I don't know, I feel lighter.
I have more time for myself,
- I sleep better at night. - What nights?
You were still chief this morning. What are you talking about?
I'm starting to think that Obelix should be chief of our village
even after the fight.
Huh? No, but… No, no. You can't… You can't be serious.
Oh, yeah. I'm very serious.
No, but as a fake chief to give smacks, he's perfect, I agree.
But to be chief of the village? He just doesn't have any of the skills.
- Don't see why not. - Well, I do and I'm telling you.
His wild boar shop idea isn't too bad, so we should think on it.
- See you! - But it's ridiculous.
- See you! - No, er… Chief.
Think on it.
[sighs]
Think on it.
So I don't have skills then?
Er, I didn't… say it exactly like that.
You did. Exactly like that.
- And that I was a fake chief too. - Yeah.
- No… Yeah. No, I said… - Fake chief.
Yes, well, okay. Okay, I said "fake chief".
Look, Obelix, you can't seriously think you'd be chief forever?
Not forever, but why not for a while?
- There are dozens of reasons why not. - Why?
You worried that for once I'll make the decisions? Is that it?
Yes, when you throw menhirs, I am.
That's just so petty. Ha! Typical.
[gasps softly]
No one else in my tribe is worried though.
"Your tribe"? Oh, but I'm sorry if I offended you, o great Chief Obelix!
If you don't like it, the doors to my village are open, so you can go!
Hang on, hang on. So you want me to go, just like that?
Banishing me from your village, is that what you're saying?
[Obelix laughs] You know what? Apothika was right.
Once again, you're talking for me.
Well, okay! I'll shut up then. Come on, spit it out!
That's it, you're banished!
[melancholic music plays]
Hmph.
Is that your first decision as chief?
[sighs softly]
[horn blares]
[woman on Tannoy] Please return to the arena.
The Big Fight will begin soon.
Thank you.
[people chatter happily]
♪ Living in Armorica ♪
♪ Do-day, doo-dee ♪
♪ Do-day, doo-da ♪
So Mummy, do you like it?
No. I asked for bread, it isn't here.
My bread, yoo-hoo! Bread?
[riders scream]
- Call me chief. - No, it's me.
- No, call me chief. - No, call me chief.
Oh, look over there, children. A real Gaul. That's a rare sight.
Soon they'll all be gone.
Call me chief!
- Or why don't we call each other chief? - Oh, yeah!
[laughs] So cool to be your best mate!
- Cooler to be your best mate. - No, it's not!
Yeah, it is!
[young Asterix] That's what friends are for, right?
- [clucking] - [gasps]
- [laughs] - [Apothika clucks]
[horn honks]
[dramatic music plays]
[both laugh]
Ah, ah, ah, ah! [clicks tongue]
[sighs]
[attendant] Okay.
- [Getafix laughs] - [Apothika quacking]
Getafix!
- [Getafix] Woohoo! - Apothika!
[suspenseful music plays]
[groans]
[exclaims]
[screams]
[chickens squawk]
[Getafix exclaims]
[gobbles]
[light comic classical music plays]
[groans]
[Getafix laughs] Woohoo!
[horns honk]
Ah! [pants]
[exclaims repeatedly]
[groans]
[in wild voice] Hello!
[grunts]
Hello again!
[Asterix exclaims repeatedly]
[Apothika laughs]
Whoa!
[music peaks then stops]
- [bell rings] - [yells]
Go on, kiddo, try your luck.
You just gotta knock one of 'em down and you win the figurine.
- [groans] - [child gasps]
[yells happily]
- [both laugh] - All right, fair game.
[both laugh]
[both hum melodically]
[groans]
[ominous music plays]
[gasps] Hold on. I've just got an update. Vitalstatistix won't be fighting.
And a new chief will be fighting instead, Obelix.
What? Give me that!
Er, oh, yeah. I forgot I can't read.
- [horn blares] - Huh? The buccina!
So, kids, it's about to start.
Hooray! Enjoy the spectacle!
[grandiose classical music plays]
[crowd cheers]
[crowd cheers wildly]
[music peaks, stops]
Wow! Magnificent!
Ah, it still gets me, you know?
Hey? It gives me goosebumps.
Pompey treated his mother to the Venice illuminations
so let's not get over-excited by sparklers.
[crowd cheering]
[enunciating floridly but indistinctly]
Sorry to be rude, we don't understand you.
Oh, my bad. Sure.
[grandly but clearly] In the left-hand corner,
in green skirt and feathered plume,
the serum's pilum,
stronger than the forum,
more stable than marble,
the most Gallo of Romans,
the most Roman of Gallos…
Cassius Ceramix!
["Turn Down for What" by DJ Snake and Lil Jon plays]
[crowd cheers]
Oh, yes, that was good. We understood everything.
[hollering rhythmically]
[music distorts]
- Yeah! - [Gauls boo]
[Cassius yells]
[grunts]
And in the right-hand corner,
blue and white braccae,
with red braids…
Come on then, it's our turn, champ.
The Celtic firkin,
the menhir of Armorica,
Obelix!
Hmm?
Obelix?!
["Turn Down For What?" continues playing]
Huh?
[Geriatrix] Don't forget, tire him out.
Think of your legwork. Mind out for his right hook and…
- I'll give him a smack. - Oh, yeah, that works too.
Hey, hey! Look who it is! He's hit me loads o' times!
Obelix, yoo-hoo!
[stairs creaking]
[metal strains]
[music stops]
[sniffs and grumbles]
[whimpering]
Now, come to the centre of the platform.
[Obelix's steps thud heavily]
Let's go over all of the moves.
Kick, punch, neck, carpus,
metacarpus, humerus, malleolus.
You all right there? Knee, head, no holds barred!
So, no… no rules?
The combat continues until one of you is defeated or withdraws.
Ah-ah! Defeat or withdrawal?
I'd like to say "Alas"
because we don't fight to the death any more.
Blackangus, things change.
I know, I know, Hannabarbera.
Wild beasts can't even fight now, can they?
A lion against an elephant, forbidden!
Maybe 'cause it's a bit cruel to animals?
They were fed with slaves, Hannabarbera!
Is that cruel? Seriously? What's the world coming to, eh?
Maybe it makes us more human though.
But aren't we becoming less cruel? Just a question!
[shell feeds back]
So, er, Ave Caesar.
The one about to die salutes you, as they say.
So, er, Ave then.
Your turn, Obelix.
Er, what do I do?
Your speech to the crowd. It's your turn, we're all ears.
- [man in crowd] Speech! - A speech?
- [Vitalstatistix exclaims excitedly] - Asterix…
[whines curiously]
[tense music plays]
This menhir…
[panting]
Oh, no, Obelix!
Right, er… [clears throat] Okay.
Gentlemen, have a good fight.
[audio fades] And when you hear the buccina, you can rumble!
[horn blares distantly]
[heart beating]
[high-pitched ringing]
[audio distorting]
[heart beats rapidly]
[crowd gasps]
[gasps]
One…
[suspenseful music plays]
Two…
He didn't touch him! What is this? No blows, no bites, nothing!
Come on! I'm 27 and I've never seen that!
- Four! - [Geriatrix] Come on, get up!
What are you doing?
[Twinpix] Five!
Six!
- Seven! - It's rubbish! What is going on?
I can't believe my eye!
[Twinpix] Eight!
[whines]
Nine!
Obelix!
- And ten! - [bell rings]
It's over!
So I won?
[triumphant music plays]
[grunting in joy]
[gasps]
[music peaks, stops]
[lively classical theme music plays]
ASTERIX & OBELIX: THE BIG FIGHT
[musical arrangement turns sweeping and sentimental]
[upbeat Celtic folk music plays]