[dramatic music playing]
[Tom] Pilot sex shit?
What the fuck?
-[alarm beeping] -[airplane rattling]
Anyway, we need you to land the plane.
-What? -You said you speak Spanish.
-But-- -So does the air traffic controller.
Put on the headphones. Sit down.
[quietly] Put the headphones.
-Okay. Okay. -That one.
[attendant] Good luck, man.
-[baby crying] -[exhales sharply]
[dispatcher in Spanish] 1723. Do you copy?
Uh, yes. This is 1723.
[sighs] My God.
[Tom] I'm not a pilot!
I don't have a fucking clue how to be a pilot.
Don't worry, everything will be fine.
My name is José,
I understand that the pilots are incapacitated.
Uh…
Yes.
Don't worry. I will guide you.
Okay, let's breathe. [inhales deeply]
[exhales deeply] Let's see, what's your name?
-My name is Tom. -Okay, Tom. Nice to meet you.
I want you to pull the lever that says Throttle two.
Yeah.
Okay.
[José] And grab the yoke.
Now you're going to move that yoke gently,
so I can see how the plane is moving.
[Tom] Yes, José.
It's moving the plane a little.
[José] Wow, Tom.
I know you've never flown a plane before, but you're doing it very well.
We're going to be fine.
[Tom] I'm very scared.
It's just that…
It's just that I feel like I'm going to have terrible diarrhea any moment here.
[both laugh]
Many people get airplane diarrhea, don't worry.
Yes, that's true.
-Wow, and what do you do, Tom? -[chuckles]
The funny thing is that I'm a comedian.
Wow, Tom the comedian, nice to meet you.
And what is your last name? Maybe I know you.
My last name is Segura.
[uneasy music plays]
Tom Segura?
Yes.
Oh, yes.
I have heard of you.
[Tom] Yes?
[in English] Your comedy is not very nice, cabrón.
Oh, you speak English?
You know, Tom Segura,
I have a brother who has Down syndrome.
And you like to say that people are retarded, correct?
Look, man, I'm sorry if I ever said something
-that was… offensive like that. -[airplane rattling]
Like, I use it to describe, like, a friend doing something silly, you know.
-Like my brother. -No, of course not.
What I'm saying is, like, sometimes, you know, your friend does something dumb.
You know what I mean?
Pulls his dick out at a wedding reception.
You're like… You know?
No. No, I do not know, actually.
[Tom] José, can we please put my dumb career choices aside
and just help with this real life-threatening issue, José?
[smacks lips] Oh, you want help? Sure. Here we go.
Oh, my God, dude, please. This is going down so fast.
I'm sorry that I've said stupid offensive things that are reckless.
I say things on stage sometimes to get a laugh.
That's not who I am as a person.
Okay, so what you say at work you don't really mean.
Exactly, José. Yes.
Oh, okay, I understand now.
You see that red button that's next to the altitude?
[alarms blaring]
-Yeah. -Push it.
-[new alarm blaring] -[Tom] Oh!
Am I supposed to push it
-or are you making a point? -I don't know.
I'm at work right now. What did you say about people at work?
Are you fucking kidding me?
-[plane rumbles] -[gasps]
-[all screaming] -[dramatic music playing]
[Tom yells] José!
[in Spanish] I'm sorry, José. Please!
[in English] Words matter, cabrón.
Okay, goodbye.
[music stops]
[slurps]
[in Spanish] What time does lunch start you say?
Soon enough, right? Hmm.
-José, please! -[alarms continue blaring]
[in English] José! José, please! What do I do?
Oh, shit! Tom, are you still there?
Oh, my God.
[sighs] Thank God. I wanted to say, bro,
-I love your podcast. -What?
Okay, ciao. Blessings.
[in Spanish] Oh, my God! What have I done?
-Tom! -[in English] Yes, I'm here.
The one with your wife, not the other one.
The other one is hard to listen to.
-[airplane engine roaring] -[Tom screaming]
[in Spanish] Please, help me!
[screams] José!
[in English] Oh, fuck!
This is Diego, a pilot from Argentina. He was sitting in economy.
[Tom] Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you're a fucking pilot!
[in Spanish] Hello.
[Tom] Oh… Oh…
Oh!
Oh…
-[alarms stop] -[in English] Oh… Oh, my God.
[Diego in Spanish] 1723. We are level and heading in the normal direction.
[Tom sighs]
[in English] You really became a pilot today, huh?
That guy was such a dick.
[Diego] So we have, uh, about three hours left on the flight.
We can make the most of it.
Whoa! Dude, what are you doing?
-What? -What are you doing?
Let's get to the fucking, huh?
Bro, what?
I'm going back to my seat, man.
-[Diego] You sure? -Yeah.
Pilots are fucking kinky fucks, man.
-You're really gonna leave? Okay. -Yeah.
[in Spanish] You're already here.
[in English] No.
[tense music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[chuckles] All right, let's do it.
[Diego] Okay.
-Teach me how to fly, man. -[zipper unzips]
[ominous sting plays]
[eerie music playing]
Communication is fascinating.
It's not just language or speaking.
It's about conveying how you feel,
what you're thinking, the joy you're experiencing.
[man grunts]
[choking]
And who are some of our best communicators?
-[dolphins squealing] -Dolphins.
-[remote clicking] -'90s Oprah.
Politicians.
-[Hitler speaking indistinctly] -Look at this guy.
He's got 'em all fired up.
So, I hope you enjoy these stories about communication.
But if you don't…
[clicks tongue] How do I say this?
Yeah, that works.
Whoa. Do I speak sign language?
I totally understood that.
[dramatic sting plays]
So this is Burbank, California.
[chuckles]
Uh-huh, pretty neat, huh?
It's real neat.
Definitely a far cry from Boise, that's for sure.
You know who, I read, comes here?
Jay Leno.
What do you think about that, huh?
He parks his hot rod right out there.
And he comes here. That is really cool.
You're right, Dad. That is really cool.
[chuckles] Yeah, it's really cool.
I'm sorry.
I never do this, but I just had to come up and say
that fucking you last week was so fun.
[man] I'm sorry, what?
So fun. [chuckles]
Enjoy your meal.
I have no idea who that was.
Yes, you do.
I knew it.
-What? Da-- I'm not gay, Dad. -[sighs]
This is gonna kill your mother.
Come on. I dated Jill for two years.
Welcome to Darwin's. I'm Donovan and I'll be taking care of…
Oh, shit!
I turned this boy's pussy inside out last night.
What are you talking about?
-[low eerie music playing] -All gas, no brakes. Raw.
Honey, look. There's that slut we made prolapse.
-He was gagging on my balls. -[coughs]
[laughs] It was pathetic.
-[cameras clicking] -Yo, bro, I finger fucked you too.
Why is everyone saying they fucked me?
Because we did.
In that game.
[hesitates]
[cameras clicking]
-[people murmuring] -[man] Is that me?
-[people laughing] -It's actually a cool story.
There's a passion project.
This IT guy developed a game in his basement.
He went on to make, like, a billion dollars off it.
It's inspiring.
Cyrus?
[tense music playing]
Hey, make that face you do, that…
[squealing]
[pleasant music playing]
[automated voice] Welcome to the property.
[birds chirping]
-Welcome to the property. -[water trickling nearby]
[doorbell dings and chimes]
[door hisses open]
Cyrus?
Evan? Is that you?
I barely recognize you, man.
You barely recognize me?
I know. It's pretty cool, right?
It's crazy what 800 million in videogame sales can buy.
This is fucking horsehair.
[sputters] Yeah. I think we need to talk.
Come on in, bud.
[door whirring, thuds]
[low operatic music playing]
Did you make a video game where aliens fuck me?
I made a very successful video game called Aliens Fuck Humans.
I'm not sure what that has to do with you.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Look. This is clearly me.
No.
Okay. Well…
then what is this?
An AFH-KOHLUR collab.
Dude, the human in the game looks exactly like me.
I don't see the resemblance.
-Take the fucking game down. -[magazine thuds]
Hey. Whoa, whoa.
Are you mad?
You want to play games with me? I'll show you.
-Oh, hey! Hey, man! -I'll fucking show you.
-Stop! Evan! -Take the game down!
That's $11 million--
-Take the fucking game down! -Stop! Stop! Stop!
Fuck!
Yes.
God damn.
The human in the game is modeled after you.
Yeah. No shit.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Why would you put me in this game?
I don't know.
I guess you just kind of have a "fuck that guy" kind of face, you know?
I didn't know the game was gonna blow up the way it did.
And looking back…
I definitely should not have used you in it.
So you'll take the game down?
No, it's impossible.
There's hard copies everywhere.
But I have been developing a new game.
Aliens Fuck Humans IV.
And in this new game, you do not get fucked by aliens.
You're actually the hero.
[seethes]
I'll cut you in on a piece of the action.
Fifty-fifty split.
You'll be rich as shit.
And I'm not gonna be getting fucked by aliens in the new game?
No.
Let me show you.
[operatic music stops]
AFH IV is the future of VR gaming.
It's the first of its kind to use real time neural imaging
of the user's brain to create the most realistic experiences possible.
-[keyboard clacking] -What does that even mean?
Well, it means you're now the co-owner of this kickass breakthrough tech,
partner.
-Try it out. -[whirring]
-[heavy metal music playing] -[narrator] Aliens Fuck Humans IV.
Evan's Revenge.
[heavy metal music continues muffled]
[indistinct shouting and screaming over headset]
[heavy metal music plays, stops]
[low ethereal music playing]
Holy shit.
This feels so real.
It's pretty cool, right?
Is this my childhood home?
[Cyrus, echoing] It is.
[softly] Wow.
Hello, son.
Dad?
-Happy birthday, buddy. -[low eerie music playing]
Would you like some cake?
Why does the cake say "Happy Birthday Cheryl" on it?
Oh, my God.
[keyboard clacking]
[whooshes]
[groans]
Dude, this thing just got real tight.
That's weird. [chuckles]
Word on the street is you like cake.
[groans in disgust]
[ominous music playing]
Oh!
[grunts]
[grunting]
-[Cyrus, echoing] Go on. Have a slice. -The fuck is happening?
[Cyrus] That's it.
Fuck, I can't control my legs, man.
You'll control your legs when you finish the cake.
[grunts]
[gasps]
Is this all because I wouldn't give you
a piece of cake at Cheryl's birthday party?
I don't know. Is it?
-[tense music playing] -[keyboard clacking]
[gasping] Cyrus! Cyrus, please!
[Dad] Do you know what flavor this cake is, son?
-Cyrus… -It's papa flavor.
Cyrus, don't do this.
Eat all the cake up.
Yum, yum, yum.
You can eat it out of my ass.
[sobbing] Cyrus, please.
Don't do it.
Lick it all up.
Cyrus, don't!
[sobbing] No!
-Would you like more kiwis, Mr. Cyrus? -[Evan crying]
No, I'm fine. Thank you, Magdalena.
Oh, Dad!
Did you want a juice?
-[Evan] Oh! -Papaya?
[Cyrus] Mmm…
-[Evan] Cyrus! -Actually, papaya sounds nice.
-Thank you. -[Evan] Oh, no!
-Cyrus, please! Oh! -[keyboard clacking]
No, Dad!
-No! -This shit is amazing.
[gagging]
[Evan sobbing] Cyrus, no!
[wailing]
[man whimpering]
-[somber music plays] -[siren wails]
[indistinct police radio chatter]
[people chattering]
[detective] Keep the news stations at bay.
They'll be showing up in about 15 minutes, Carmen.
Hi, Tom.
I'm Detective Jacobs.
Now, I know you've been through a lot,
but when you're ready, I'm here to listen.
Okay?
Okay.
[softly] Okay.
I can take you through what happened.
Um…
I was waiting in line to buy a coffee.
Like I do every day.
-[pleasant song playing] -Hi. Can I help you?
Hi. Can I have a large iced coffee?
-Sure. That'll be $3.45. -With--
Sorry.
I just have a few, uh, modifications.
Okay.
Large iced coffee, extra ice, please.
And just a small splash of whole milk, please.
Still $3.45.
Thank you.
-Do you need to, uh… -What?
Type it in?
No, I… I got it. We have a system.
No, I know you got it.
I wasn't trying to suggest that you couldn't remember that.
I just meant…
Sometimes when it's not typed in,
-it's not… They don't see it. -Okay.
Iced coffee, extra ice, splash of whole milk.
-That is it. -$3.45.
Thank you.
Would you like to tip?
-Sure -How much?
A dollar?
[beeping]
Five seems right.
[receipt tears]
Next.
Tom. Iced coffee for Tom…
with modifications.
Jesus Christ.
Sir. Excuse me.
Could we talk about this?
Could I meet you down here?
Excuse me. Hi.
Will you please stand still?
Uh, can you remake this?
I'm a little busy, man.
No, I know. I'm not trying to be rude, I promise.
I just, uh… I can't drink this much milk.
You know, I-- I paid for it.
So could you just remake this
with less milk… please?
-Less milk? -Please.
-Yeah, man. I got you. -Thanks.
[continues pouring]
Now it's got less milk.
[tense music crescendos]
[music stops]
I'm a professional barista.
I know what a fucking splash is.
["Sedona" by Houndmouth playing]
[woman] Holy shit!
-Oh, my God. -[people clamoring]
[song continues] ♪ Now the devil's in a rush ♪
-[grunting] -[objects clattering]
[yells]
-[yelling] -[objects clattering]
[both grunting]
-[bone cracks] -[screams] Oh, fuck!
-[Tom grunts] -[groans]
[breathing heavily]
-[grunts] -[groans]
[woman groans]
[grunts]
[thuds]
[yelling]
[music fades]
[Jacobs] I'm sorry, Tom.
Are you saying you're the one who committed these gruesome acts of violence?
Yeah.
And then you…
Put the guy's hand in a blender.
-[blender whirring] -[screaming]
[screaming]
You don't listen!
[pleasant music playing indistinctly over speaker]
[laughing]
[screaming]
[yelling]
[Tom yelling]
[both grunting]
[straining]
Open up. Open your mouth.
-Open your mouth. -[gagging]
-[pleasant song continues] -You got a system, huh?
You got a system that works?
Does that work?
Open your mouth!
[straining]
[yelling]
[panting]
[pleasant song continues]
[retching]
All right, that's it. You're under arrest.
No, no. Sorry. [chuckles]
Actually…
I still have the receipt.
Oh, yeah. Yep. It says "splash of milk" right there.
-Sorry about that, sir. -Yeah.
[both] You missed the first part of the story.
Jinx.
You owe me a Coke.
How about a coffee?
[all laughing]
That's a good one.
Oh! I'm exhausted.
You killed three people.
[chuckling] I know. I've never done that.
[both laughing]
I don't know how you guys do it. [chuckles]
Take it easy.
["Sedona" by Houndmouth playing]
♪ Hey, little Hollywood ♪
♪ You're gone but you're not forgot ♪
♪ You got the cash But your credit's no good ♪
♪ You flipped the script And you shot the plot ♪
♪ And I remember, I remember ♪
♪ When the neon Used to burn so bright and pink ♪
♪ So bright and pink! ♪
♪ A Saturday night kind of pink ♪