All right, now it's time to bring on our next comic.
Give it up for Beanie Bhatnagar!
I'm Beanie Bhatnagar.
And I'm...
But first, a little flashback.
I belong to a regular middle class family.
I loved entertaining people as a kid.
But I had zero talent for singing or dancing,
which left my parents a bit disappointed.
Then one day, I saw Shekhar Suman on TV...
Hi, guys!
And I started dreaming big.
I dreamt of telling a thousand jokes
to an audience of millions applauding wildly.
But with humble origins, you can't afford fancy dreams.
So like most middle class kids, I got my MBA degree.
And then, I did the most imaginative thing in the world.
I took up a job.
That's it. Comedy took a backseat.
Then, I met a nice guy, very nice guy,
we've been dating for the last three years.
And our chemistry is off the charts.
So basically, life was great.
Until...
it wasn't.
Bindiya Akankshi Bhatnagar...
-will you marry me? -I'm going to be a grandpa!
Congratulations!
-Congratulations! -Give me a hug. Come here, son!
-Let's take a picture! -Come, stand here.
-Show the ring. The ring! -Show the ring.
-Say, "Cheese!" -Cheese!
-Amazing. Congratulations! -Thank you, Uncle.
What plans now? Two kids? Or three?
Four would be a jackpot.
-It's not in my hands. -Beanie is with you. Right, Beanie?
What on earth are you saying!
-Looks good, right? -Yes! And it is massive!
-Bye, Beanie! Bye, Arun! -Bye, son!
-Bye! -This was amazing, Arun!
Thank you!
The engagement ceremony is on Saturday. And it's going to be epic.
A snacks counter, Chinese counter, Italian counter, Lebanese counter,
but no sushi because Uncle Bipin has a shellfish allergy.
Sounds great.
And Mom's getting you a designer dress.
Perfect.
I love dresses, and food counters, and your mom, of course.
You don't look very happy.
Do you want a Thai counter, too?
But that'll include prawns. This fucking Bipin will ruin everything!
It's not that.
Just that Papa and you were discussing kids--
Beanie, we just got engaged and you're already thinking of kids?
I'm not. You and Papa were discussing it, so--
Beanie, relax. We need to take three deep breaths.
-Arun, I'm fine-- -Come on. Let's do it.
Arun, I'm fine--
-You're smiling. You're calm now? -Yes.
-You love me? -Of course I love you.
Perfect.
Let's enjoy the moment.
We're about to get married and you are talking about kids?
Don't worry, we'll have kids in a year.
Okay? Come.
-Hi, Kapi-- -You're engaged?
I found out looking at your mother's Facebook post!
And I thought you're my best friend.
Now put up a post quickly or people will gossip.
Kapi, only influencers like you analyze every random post so much.
Normal people don't care about such things.
Wait a minute.
Yes, Ma.
I found out on the family group that you've not posted on Facebook yet.
Quickly put up a post or everyone will think something's wrong.
Ma, I'll call you later, okay? Okay, bye.
Dear, listen, but...
Yeah, Kapi.
Listen. Is there a problem?
-Are you nervous? -I don't know. It's just...
When I woke up this morning, I only had to plan gift hampers for clients.
Now suddenly I have to plan four kids' school fees.
Now how did kids come into the picture?
Exactly! How did kids get into the picture?
Listen, everyone knows that Arun is a little boring.
And he speaks in business metaphors, which nobody understands.
But you've been dating for three years, so marry him.
There's no problem. It's just that I--
I'll call you back.
I guess I should congratulate you?
VIP, thank you.
-How do you know? -I follow your mom on Facebook.
So, you're engaged to a tall, handsome, rich Punjabi now?
Good, good. I'm very happy for you. Very happy.
So, what's next?
What do you mean?
I mean, wives of rich Punjabi men make babies, not careers.
Brunches, Pilates, smoothies, yoga...
Hot yoga.
More smoothies, more babies.
You'll have your hands full.
But good.
I'm happy for you. Good. Good. So happy.
-Can you please check these reports? -Yeah.
Excuse me.
Hi, baby.
Hello, Future Mrs. Kalra. Come over to my place today?
My parents aren't home,
I thought we could do some strategic investor relations in the bedroom.
Daddy's coming home!
Beanie, I meant to say that...
Yeah, I know. I know what you mean.
It's just that VIP just dumped three files on me.
I'm just swamped with paperwork. I'm going to be late.
-Just tell him you got engaged today! -I did! I did!
I'm so sorry.
I was really looking forward to a night of sexy... sex.
Me, too. That's what I was trying to say earlier.
I know. I know what you mean. I'm sorry. Shall we meet tomorrow, at my place?
-Yeah, cool. I love you, babe. -Love you, too.
Show me!
Groovy!
By the way, you used to ditch stand-up for Arun,
and now you've ditched Arun for stand-up!
You're really losing it, aren't you?
You're so supportive, Kapi!
Listen, I feel like a small panic attack is happening.
Just breathe, babe.
Why does everyone keep telling me to breathe?
So...
I finally, like... I'm on Tinder now.
Not because I'm single, but because, you know, like, Tinder is free.
Call him, man. Don't know...
Hey, Ranjeet! Wow, looking good!
-Is there a spot available? -Nope.
Please, Ranjeet. I really need to go on stage today.
A five-minute spot will do. Fit me in somewhere, please.
There's no spot. Where do I get one from? Why would I waste one on you anyway?
You're not even a real comic, dude.
You just turn up randomly and ask for a spot.
What's his problem?
Listen, if you want a spot, get it from one of these guys.
Excuse me.
How do you say "weed" in Hindi? I need it for my set.
Ganja.
Thanks, bro.
-Ranjeet. Who's that? -Rahul.
The one next to him.
-That's our comic from LA. -Perfect.
That's your guy.
He looks like a total nerd.
Go for the kill. Take charge and own your panic attack.
-No, dude! Kapi. -Go for it!
-Sorry. What about toilet paper? -Toilet paper.
-Yeah, toilet paper. -Toilet paper.
-Exactly. -Toilet paper!
-How do you say it? -Toilet paper!
-Hi. -Thank God you're here.
Please handle him. He's annoying as hell. Who gives such people a visa on arrival?
What does that mean?
-He's a big fan. -What?
So the thing is that Ranjeet over there messed up the line-up
and accidently gave my spot to you, so I'm going to need that spot back.
-No, I'll just talk to Ranjeet. Ranjeet-- -No, the thing is that
I really need to be on stage today because I am...
I'm very, very sad.
I'm sorry. Why are you very, very sad?
Because...
-I'm stepping out for a smoke, okay? -Go, go.
Because my rabbits died today.
Vicky and Ricky.
That's a bummer.
And these two rabbits, they... That's all you had?
Just those two rabbits all these years?
So these rabbits, they didn't fuck like rabbits?
-Are you flirting with me? -What? No!
I mean, I am mourning. I am in deep, deep grief.
Right.
-And you're hitting on me. -No, I'm not.
At least give me the spot and then hit on me.
Jesus. I'm not hitting... Just take my spot.
Thank you! I mean, thank you.
So, unpopular opinion: I think only men should do MBAs.
Why do girls need to do MBA?
We come pre-trained in management right from the womb.
Like, managing people? We've been doing it since childhood!
We manage all those concerned relatives whose lives have been screwed.
Like that aunt who just can't sleep peacefully
till she sees us married.
And negotiations.
It's like we have a master's degree in it.
Watch us bargain at vegetable stalls.
We don't budge without a fat discount, plus freebies!
Come on, it wasn’t that great a joke.
Yes, Mom. It just got over.
I am with Kapi. Will be there in half an hour.
Yes, bye.
...special like Netflix.
Just hold this. I'll be back in a minute.
I don't know. Maybe I'll do it without that.
-I'm just staying open-- -Sorry, excuse me.
-It was nice meeting you. -See you.
-Hey. -Hey.
I just wanted to thank you for earlier, for the spot.
-I'm Beanie. -Ravi.
It's not every day somebody kills her fake rabbits to get a spot.
You know how it is.
Sometimes you just have to get on stage to work off a weird day.
No, I hear you. I get you. Feels like you might owe me a drink, though.
I'm sorry.
You seem perfectly nice and all that, but my friend over there is waiting.
I'm "perfectly nice." Ouch.
What? How is that an insult?
Well, no. It's like saying someone's incredibly mediocre.
Well, you probably are incredibly mediocre.
You're funny.
-I agree. -Jesus!
-Chirag Chatwani. -Beanie.
I manage comedians, tours and festivals,
-and I also try to-- -Wear a lot of hats?
Sorry.
So, New Faces. Are you interested?
Ten-minute set, Saturday.
-The showcase? -The showcase.
For new comedians.
It might launch your career.
Lots of agents will come to see.
Yeah, New Faces. Of course.
-Who doesn't know New Faces? -Of course.
I mean, even he knows.
Sorry, I don't speak Hindi...
But my engagement ceremony is this Saturday, so...
I'm not a comic comic even...
The point is you can become a "comic comic"
if you come for the showcase.
Anyway, if you change your mind, give me a call.
-Yeah, I'll take a card, man. -Yeah.
I'll send you my--
You passed on the showcase? What's wrong with you?
-It's not a big deal, really. -No, no.
And I'm not even a comic comic.
What does that mean? It's a hobby? 'Cause if it is, you should knit.
Then you don't have to take someone else's spot.
This is the last time I do anything nice for anyone in India.
That much I'm sure of.
-Why is this coconut so worked up? -Coconut?
Yeah, brown on the outside and white on the inside.
And people should not talk about me in Hindi.
It's not nice.
It's really rude.
It's rude!
Weirdo.
Hold this.
Shruti! Shruti, come here.
-Come here, quick! -I'm coming.
Look at this.
Come, come, come.
Look at this suit. It'll look great on Arun, right?
It costs 8,500 rupees!
Yeah, it's not that great, actually.
Let's just get them a fruit basket.
Shruti, they're rich folks. We can't gift them oranges and bananas.
Let's get them dry fruits then!
Cashews, almonds, raisins, figs, pine nuts...
This watch!
It's meant for the rich.
It costs two lakh rupees.
So what? Can't we afford it? It's not meant only for the affluent.
We'll make a fixed deposit withdrawal to purchase it!
This is from...
It's from Switzerland! Swiss!
It's Swiss!
-Listen, I wanted to talk-- -Arun, what's the time?
7:15, Uncle.
What watch is this?
-Smartwatch? -Yeah.
You deserve better than...
Nevermind!
Continue. Netflix!
Continue.
I can't wait for us to have our own house.
Before I forget.
Mom wanted you to select your dress. See this?
-So, how many kids do you want? -What?
What dress do you want?
Anything. Whatever your mother likes. It's all nice.
-Are you sure? -Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Okay, listen...
-There's something I wanted to discuss. -Tell me.
There's a big comedy showcase this Saturday.
It's quite a big deal. And they're giving me a ten-minute spot.
I mean, obviously I told them I'm busy and I have plans.
It is our engagement ceremony.
But they considered you for it. That's nice.
Right? I thought so, too!
Kind of made me wonder... Should I be doing stand-up?
Aren't you doing it already? I think it's such a cute hobby.
No.
Not just a hobby. Like professionally.
You mean you'll quit your job?
No. I mean, obviously not. That would be crazy.
Just in my free time.
You mean post-work and on weekends, too?
Yeah, to see how it goes.
Beanie, have you gone nuts?
I mean...
Even if it all goes well,
and the off-chance that you do manage to crack it, then what?
You'll do more shows, you'll go on tours, you'll be away for weeks.
We'll constantly be apart.
We'll just never see each other. Is that the life you want?
Who am I to decide?
It's your decision. And I'm sure you'll make the right one.
Then what did you say?
Obviously, Arun's right. I mean, it is a crazy idea, right?
I cannot handle being a professional comic.
Okay, at least your doubt has been cleared.
Wait a minute. Where are you now?
I've come to clear my doubt. Bye.
Yeah, love is hard to find.
I married a white woman. My parents are actually cool about it.
They didn't try to discourage me the way traditional Indian parents
who tell you that it can't work out just because she's white.
But it didn't work out. She cheated, and now we're divorced.
So thanks for nothing, Mom and Dad.
These white comics are killing in India.
But our local comics are no less, so coming up next...
You know, for someone who's not a "comic comic,"
you spend a lot of time in comedy clubs.
Funny. Hey, so I was thinking about your bit,
and I think there's something there,
you know, with your marrying the white woman
as a way of getting back, kind of like a reverse imperialism.
That's actually pretty good. Thanks.
-So now we're even. Okay. -For you to take my spot? No. no.
Wait. Are you hitting some other rooms? 'Cause this one's all booked up.
Seriously?
This is our thing, right?
You give me your spot, I say, "Thank you," then you get annoyed.
We don't have a thing. Also, you never said, "Thanks."
Thanks! Thank you!
-Too late. -I'm saying thanks.
-Don't follow me. -What?
So after I got divorced, I decided to come pursue stand-up here, in India.
My parents were very confused, they're like,
"Wait a second. We worked our asses off
to leave India and now you're gonna go back?"
All of a sudden, I'm the biggest disappointment in my family.
And my sister's a dentist.
Guys, smokers have all the luck.
Have you seen how many smoke breaks they get in office?
While I wait for one lunch break with my paratha and pickle jar,
they chill outside, enjoying their tar!
So, in America, this is a fact,
Indian-Americans are the wealthiest minorities per capita.
So, white people think all Indians are geniuses.
I have to correct them.
I'm like, "Hey, there are hundreds of millions of dumb Indians.
They're just all in India."
Dumb. Dumb. You're dumb.
You're dumb.
No?
-That room sucked, no? -Yes, that was the problem,
not that you insulted an entire country while being in the country.
You're right. I need a drink. We should get a drink, right?
Okay.
-"Theek." -Now that was good.
-Theek hai. -That was good.
-Shukriya! -Shukriya! Theek hai.
-Getting good at this. -Yeah.
But seriously, why did you decide to do comedy in, like, a foreign country?
Well, first of all, I'm Indian, just so you know.
But also, the comedy scene here is exploding.
It's the fastest growing in the world. There's a lot of opportunity for us here.
For real.
It's such a Gujju thing to say.
It's probably true.
No, but for real, it just...
I don't know, it feels good to be doing what I wanna do everyday.
And that's the dream, right?
-Isn't it a little scary, though? -Here's the thing.
Sleeping on a futon when you're 35 is not the worst thing.
What's worse is sleeping on a king bed, next to someone you don't love,
and you've got two kids,
everyday, you wake up, you go to a job you hate.
Then you'll be dreaming about that futon.
-That's a great quote, by the way. -Thank you.
By Bill Burr?
For someone who's not a comic comic, you know a lot about comedy.
Oh, my God, can we stop with the "comic comic" thing already?
No, I'm serious. I don't understand why you're not doing the showcase.
It's a huge deal.
I'm not doing the showcase because Saturday is my roka.
That's great, I'm happy for you. Question: what is a roka?
A roka is the day you announce to the whole world
that you're officially engaged so that, I don't know,
people know to stop hitting on you or whatever.
Well, you gotta go to that, obviously, it's super important.
So thanks for all the Hindi lessons.
Thanks, I had fun tonight. Wasn't expecting it, but...
Maybe that's why it was so fun.
Hey, good luck with your roka.
She's looking like an angel.
I don't understand what is happening with the economy.
Economy, economy. Yes.
Yes, you see, there is a severe cash crunch.
There has to be capital infusion in the market.
It is very necessary.
Exactly, Sheila.
You know, therapy has made me feel light, and weightless, and unburdened, you know.
Therapy! Do you have knee pain? Don't worry, it tends to happen with age.
Shruti, not physiotherapy, I mean psychotherapy.
Okay. Psycho... Even that is quite beneficial.
-You okay? -Yeah.
I think... I think my back needs a break.
Okay.
Hello.
Beanie, what's your mother-in-law's problem?
I mean, is it her engagement or yours?
She has turned you into a pigeon while she preens like a peacock.
It's my mistake.
I should have refused earlier.
Always remember this. Especially after marriage.
If something doesn't feel right, say it. Or you will regret it all your life.
But what if it's too late?
How can it be late? You two aren't even married yet.
Beanie.
Beanie. Look at this. You father gifted me a Rolex.
It's good, right?
Come on, we're father and son now.
What's mine is all yours.
-Let's show it to everyone. -Uncle, hold on.
It is time for Beanie's gift now.
-Shall we? -Surprise.
-Okay. -Come.
Where are we going?
What... what gift do you want to give?
This is your gift.
Surprise!
Gross, dude, this is...
Auntie, it's so beautiful. Just gorgeous.
There are a couple of extra rooms, but in one year
-they will be utilized, isn't it? -Mom, please.
Beanie, what is this? Just look!
Take you for a tour?
Puja room. Guest bedroom one.
-Guest bathroom. -Oh, my God!
There is a dishwasher here!
Darling, they have a dish washer here.
You'll save on housekeeping expenses. Very good.
-There's the kitchen, of course. -Yeah.
Guest bedroom number two.
Or shall we say, the nursery?
And now, for the best part.
This is our amazing master bedroom, with a king-size bed.
For my Queen.
Our Beanie is going to be a queen. With a king-size bed.
Why is there a balloon there?
Rich people...
Such smell.
Congratulations, darling.
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -What?
I can't do this. I'm sorry, Arun.
-I can't do this. -What happened, Beanie?
-I can't do this. -What do you mean?
-Beanie. -Beanie! Hey, Beanie!
-Beanie. -Hey, Beanie.
-Hey, Beanie! -Beanie!
-Beanie, where are you going? -Beanie!
Arun, I love you, but I can't do this.
Can't do what? What are you saying?
-I want to do stand-up. -What?
-What?
-Stand up on what?
-I'm really sorry, Arun. -Sorry?
-Beanie! -I'll go get her!
Are you okay?
I have to throw up. Shit!
Let's go.
Please don't puke inside, my cab ride rating is quite bad. Let's go, please.
Give me the phone!
-Dude, this VIP. -Hi, Beanie. VIP this side.
I know your engagement is difficult for both of us.
Especially after that moment we shared at the Diwali party in 2016.
But I should’ve received those reports by yesterday evening.
Please try and be professional.
VIP, I’ve always been an extremely professional
and sincere employee.
Whatever work was given, I did. I even did what wasn't asked of me.
Despite the fact that I am least interested in this job!
I am least interested in this job.
I resign, VIP.
I quit. I'm done.
And for the last time, nothing happened between us. There was no moment.
A rasgulla was stuck in your throat.
and I patted your back, so you don't choke and die.
Anyway, it doesn't matter now because I resign. Bye!
Well done, my tigress.
Have you created enough terror or is there more?
Let me remove this fancy dress.
Time to bring on our next comic on the showcase.
Give it up for the Runaway Bride of Mahim, Beanie Bhatnagar!
Hi, guys, I'm Beanie Bhatnagar, and...
I'm...
I'm a stand-up comic.