-Good morning. -Morning.
-"Take every opportunity." -Yes.
"Targets."
Well done, Bean. You have put your MBA to use here, too.
It's nice.
So, how much time do you have to complete these targets?
I mean, how long do I have a roomie?
The first month, Mom will convince Dad that everything is fine.
The second month, they both will emotionally blackmail me in their own way.
-The third month-- -Your mother will come to take you home.
Exactly.
So I have three months only which, basically, is no time at all.
Three months? It takes me longer to discard milk cartons from the fridge.
Gross.
...by the time it's thrown, it's turned into cottage cheese.
Okay, one minute.
Cottage cheese is relatable.
Sir, don't you think due to the present political situation,
there's a lot of pressure on tea-sellers?
Every customer must be looking at you and wondering,
"What if he is the next prime minister of our country?"
So, any Dadarians in the house?
You know, people who live in Dadar. They should have a name too, right?
Like Dadri or Dadrite.
Listen, I'm getting down here.
Have you ever noticed how parents are never happy?
In the film Baghban, they were not happy.
In Hum Saath-Saath Hain, they were unhappy.
In Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, they were always sad. Never happy!
Excuse me, ma'am? Is there a reason you're not laughing?
Is the joke too dark or not topical enough?
Did you not find it relatable?
How can it not be relatable? We all have parents.
They're getting divorced.
Dude, you don't single out audience members and take feedback.
The laughter, that's your feedback.
Right. I don't do that anymore.
-Good, 'cause that was damn desperate. -Yeah.
I have this now.
Excuse me. Could you fill this, please?
Excuse me. Can you fill this up?
Hindi, English, either would do.
Make sure to get out of the train alive!
And laughter!
As a kid, I used to think that my mother loved her kitchenware more than me.
-How long has this been going on? -An hour and 12 minutes.
But if I forgot my lunch box at school...
And laughter, laughter, laughter!
-Yes, Mom, what happened? -I've made pan-fried eggplant today. Come!
Pan-fried eggplant. What's the occasion?
Our daughter's life getting ruined or my dreams being buried?
Dad, you are on speaker. I can hear everything.
Your dad's just joking.
No, I am not joking.
My BP has shot up so much, you can soon come tell jokes at my funeral.
Mom, I will call you later. Okay?
-Okay, bye. -Hey, one minute.
Tell me, when you perform at these shows,
-do people really laugh? -Yes.
On an average, how many of them laugh?
Like, if there are 50 people there, how many would laugh?
-Mom! -Twenty?
-Mom. -Okay, one last question.
Do they laugh at you or with you?
Bye, Mom.
My dear... Hey, this is not for you. There's a kitty party this evening.
Shruti! You didn't cancel the party?
Our daughter broke off her engagement and you are partying?
That's why I didn't cancel it.
The plan is to show everyone that everything is fine.
Your plan is of no use.
Now only the astrologer can save us. Do you understand? He can see everything.
Past, present, future, everything.
Hey, there you are.
There's your phone.
I thought maybe it was broken, but I guess it was just us.
Us. Broken. I'm kidding.
Working a lot, huh?
Not now, Ravi, okay? I'm very stressed out right now.
-Yeah, this comedy stuff? -Yeah.
Hey, listen... Yeah, this confirms it.
People are very concerned about you. They're afraid you're going nuts.
I'm not concerned with the concerns of the people at the club.
I'm concerned with my career and with these evaluation forms,
which I have to go through by evening, where people don't care for my remarks,
find my content not relatable, and think I'm... scary.
In capital letters, this woman thinks I'm scary.
-Yeah. -I'm scary? You think I'm scary?
This is what you get from me?
She thinks you're scary. I think you're losing it.
Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna take a day off. Okay?
'Cause you're definitely going nuts. We're going to take one day off.
-Okay, no. -You need some time off.
-Ravi, don't do that. -Just one day.
What's your problem? Where do you wanna go?
I don't know. We'll see where the road takes us.
What... Don't touch...
Ravi, the road takes us to the gutter. You fool!
Ravi, I swear to God, if anything happens to my...
The second daughter, too?
-Yes. Yours? -Well, I had the same problem.
My daughter had lost it. Now my son has gone crazy.
He says he wants to quit MBBS and make bowls!
Now, you tell me, whether it is ceramic or pottery,
a bowl is a bowl, right?
-Is this your first time here? -Me? Yes.
Has your daughter brought shame upon you or is it your son?
It is just a small problem.
My daughter left her fiancé and ran off from her engagement.
To be a comedian.
-Comedian? -Yes.
-Sushil Khedekar. -Yes, ma'am. That's me.
But can you call him first, please? His problem is more serious.
Please call him first.
-Thank you. -Your daughter is like my daughter.
-Okay. -Please go.
-Shruti, are you taking care of yourself? -Yes.
Look, Shruti, it is all a matter of destiny.
Don't blame yourself.
Blame? For what?
Beanie has our full support. If she wants to do comedy, so be it.
Have you ever heard her jokes?
You will laugh till you cry.
But have you ever thought--
That Beanie is an amazing girl, who is living life on her own terms.
Yes. And we are very proud.
You are really sorted, Shruti.
That means you won't be needing this, right?
What do you mean?
Well, we thought since Vasant and you are going through tough times,
this time you should get the kitty.
-Thank you. -That too with 5,000 rupees extra.
But looks like you don't need our charity. You are perfectly fine.
This is fun. Never been on a bus in India before.
-You know a fun fact about buses in India? -Yeah?
Most people on buses spend their lives trying to get off the buses in India.
Even the smells are romantic. What is that, like, saffron?
Jasmine? Jasmine.
It's him.
-Yes, Mom. -Beanie dear.
These open microphones that you go to, do you perform there for free?
Yes, but when I get good, money will soon follow.
Yes, of course, dear.
But I hope you haven't broken your fixed deposits?
No, I am managing with my savings now.
How long will you survive on that?
You must be struggling, right?
No, Mom, it's not yet a problem, but it might be soon.
And which is why I need to get back to work.
Right.
Okay, bye, Mom. I will talk to you later.
-Check them. -Yes.
Shruti, is everything okay?
You looked worried on the call.
-Was it Beanie? -No. Beanie is perfectly fine.
She is performing at open microphones. That's what these comedy shows are called.
Earns good money.
But Vasant's nephew Rohit...
He has met with an accident.
And he needs surgery.
His father has recently retired.
I don't know how they will pay the bills.
Shruti, if you don't mind, we can help.
Take it.
Thank you.
Poor Rohit.
I'll tell you what, let's do an improv exercise.
-What? No. -No.
Pick-up lines in a cab. You go first. No, I'll go first.
Are you a cab? 'Cause I would pay to be inside you.
-What? That's gross! That's offensive. -No.
-It's good is what it is. -No, it's probably criminal or something.
No, it's good improv. And it probably is a good pick-up line.
You probably wanna have sex with me now.
-Your turn. -What? I do not.
Maybe you do. Your turn. Beat that.
Oh, my God.
Go!
Hey, are you a cab? 'Cause I fucking hate this game.
That's good. I mean, are you flirting with me?
What? No. How?
I don't know. I'm picking up on a real will-they-won't-they vibe.
I think it's more like a he-will-she-will-not-ever vibe.
It's funny, that's how Friends started. Rachel and Ross.
And then, I don't know if you saw how it ended, but they had sex.
Big time. Lot of times.
Just saying.
-There's a smile, see? -You're evil.
What's going on? Why are we stopping?
The bus has broken down. The bus stop is ahead.
The next bus is in 45 minutes.
What's he saying? Why's he talking to us?
We have to get off because the bus is not working.
-What? We're in the middle of nowhere! -Come on.
They got two bus drivers in there?
-Oh, God. -One just to tell you when it breaks down?
Great, there's no network here.
-I don't have anything either. -Shit.
Anyway, let's just enjoy. This is nice.
This is shit.
-This is nature... -Oh, my God.
-No, that's shit. Jesus! -This is sewage. Such an American.
That's gross.
We have a daughter: Beanie. She wants to be a stand-up comedian.
Stand-up comedian!
Stand-up comedy is no good. There's no money in it.
Don't worry. God has a solution for every problem.
Yes.
But how much would finding this solution cost?
Well, a bright future is priceless.
-You mean this is free? -It's not free! No, no, no.
In your case, what you need is our special premium package.
Only 25,000 rupees!
-Twenty-five? -And your daughter will get married!
Twenty-five is a lot, you know. Tell me a reasonable price.
I...
I can pay 10,000.
Oh, not ten.
Okay, let's settle for 15,000.
-Twelve. -Thirteen, and it is done.
And you will have a grandson in a year. Guaranteed.
-Really? -Guaranteed.
A grandson, too.
Amazing! Done deal. Thirteen.
-Thirteen. -Thirteen.
-It's settled. -Yes.
-Okay, shall I leave? -What about the money?
Oh, yes. Money... Of course.
You have to pay before you leave.
Find us a match made in heaven
O Lord Almighty
So, I'll get the process started.
Meanwhile, make sure that your daughter wears this ring.
The ring is free.
Okay.
Wow. Okay.
-All right, then. -Good day.
I would have even paid 20,000.
I would have settled for 5,000.
-Still no signal? -Yep.
As tends to be the case when you're stuck in the middle of nowhere.
I'm starting to get a frustrated vibe from you.
Here's what I'll do. I'll get some water. It'll keep us hydrated.
Ma'am, please give me some money. I'm really hungry.
Ma'am, give me some money. I haven't eaten for days.
I used to be a stand-up comedian, too.
One day, I took a day off, and after that my whole life got ruined.
Now I beg for alms.
Ma'am.
Ma'am! Some money, please?
Thank you, ma'am.
YOU LEFT ME TO DO ALL THIS? CHEATER
NO OBSCENITY WILL BE TOLERATED AGAINST INDIAN CULTURE
Why does your face look like that?
What the hell is that?
They didn't have bottled water, so I got...
-Beer? So you got beer? -Beers. Beers.
-I'm sorry, do you not do gluten? -Oh, my God.
What? Did I mess up again? Why are you making that face?
You're making a lot of bad faces.
Hey! If we're here, might as well have fun, right? Come on!
-Do you know what that is? -Stop it, all right?
Just stop it with the fun gyan.
-Okay. -I mean, I don't think you remember
I have taken a huge gamble with my life and I am under a lot of pressure, okay?
I cannot afford to be kidnapped by an asshole who doesn't need to work.
-Okay. -You know, it's like being in Taken.
Except there's no Liam Neeson coming to rescue me.
Well, I haven't seen that movie, so joke's on you.
Jackass.
Where you going?
To find a fucking cab ride!
Am I supposed to follow you? I'm gonna follow you.
-Hey, how much longer? -Thirty-three minutes.
Cool, that's not bad.
Last beer. Do you want it?
Hey.
I'm really sorry about today. I...
That's fine.
I'm sorry, too, for yelling at you.
It's all right. No, I get it.
It did trigger me a little bit.
It reminded me of this trip my wife and I, we took to Mexico four years ago.
I was really stressed out. I'd been working like crazy.
I was still an investment banker back then, and I needed this vacation.
Anyway, we're at the beach, we're already fighting, and she was sick,
and I was like, "I know exactly what you need to do."
-You were an investment banker? -Yes. That's not the point of the story.
I said, "There's these swimming caves three hours away. Let's go."
She said, "No." I said, "Please." Four hours later, we're lost.
Now she's really stressed, but also, she has a little diarrhea.
An hour later, a lot of diarrhea, and she was holding it this whole time.
What she's not holding is anger towards me.
We're both stressed. I'm like, "We're getting divorced,"
which we eventually did for other reasons.
Anyway, it's very dark, and I look up and I see a sign.
"Caves. This way."
How were you an investment banker?
I used to be a real... Like, I was work-obsessed,
and it's probably why I'm going through
this period in life most people went through in their 20s.
-That's why I call it my Eat, Pray-- -"Eat, Pray, Rav" phase.
-Kapi mentioned it. -Yeah, it's based on the book.
Yeah, I got that. So what happened with the caves then?
Caves were closed, yeah. Wife took a shit under a tree. It was...
And you told me this story because...
I just wanted you to have fun today.
Also, you don't have to go to the bathroom, do you?
Did you see that?
-What? It's a ball. -Whose is this?
-Is this yours? -Uncle, please give me the ball.
What did they say?
They said, "Uncle, old man, give me my ball back."
What? I'm not an uncle. I'll kick their ass.
-You want to fight with children? -In cricket.
I'll kick your ass in cricket.
-Uncle says he can beat you in cricket. -No chance, uncle.
Stop calling me uncle! It is on. Let's go.
-What? No, I'm fine. -We're going. Come on.
No, you go.
I can't play them alone. I need a teammate.
You got something better to do for the next 30 minutes?
-No, it's not that. It's just-- -Okay. Let's go.
I've never played cricket.
What? You've never played cricket before?
I thought I was the white Indian here. You've never played cricket before?
Look, I know all the rules. It's just that I haven't played.
Okay, that is a metaphor for something, for sure.
It's also going to hurt our chances of beating these kids,
which cannot happen, so let's go play.
Get it together. Suck it up.
-Fine. -Yes.
-Fine. Let's play. -Come on, uncle.
Come on.
Let's teach uncle a lesson.
Do I hold it like this?
Give it back.
Get out of here!
Yeah, he's out.
You're out!
-Wait, am I out? -Yeah!
Beanie, Beanie.
-Four! -That's a six, that's a six.
-It's a four. -That's a six.
-It's a four! -Cheating, cheating, cheating.
Focus! Focus!
Okay, go easy.
You...
Okay, all right, okay. Who's your favorite player?
-Me, me, me. -No.
-No, you. -Me, me!
Ravi! You like Ravi? There you go.
Who likes Ravi?
-I like Ravi! -Who likes Ravi?
They took all my chocolate.
Savages. They took all my...
Did you see that?
By the way...
that was impressive, back there.
I have to say, man of the match--
-Person of the match. -Person of the match...
Beanie Butt Nagar.
I'm serious. I know.
What did you say? "Butt Nagar."
-Butt Nagar. Is that not it? -No.
"Butt Nagar" is literally "Ass Town."
-But isn't "Naagar" naked? -No, no! What?
Is that Gujarati? Naagar.
My parents would die
if they knew that the word "ass" or the word "naked" were in their surname.
Your last name is a stripper name. You should have been a stripper.
-Beanie Ass Town. -Beanie Ass Town!
Beanie Butt Nagar.
Hey, are you a cab? 'Cause you could take me places.
Are you a cab?
'Cause...
you always reject me.
-Okay. -Yeah.
Are you a cab? 'Cause if I were drunk, I'd ride you.
That's pretty good.
Listen, you said pick-up lines. I'm just playing by the rules.
No, I'm, like... I don't even... Honestly, like, that is...
I think it might've worked.
Honestly, I think you should maybe use it.
-Yeah? It was a good line. -Pretty good.
-The best. -Pretty effective.
The old, wise American man is impressed.
What? No, I'm not old. I'm wise. Just wise is fine.
I feel like I...
I deserve some credit here.
'Cause this has been...
You know, you've loosened up.
This has been good for you. The spontaneity, got rid of the notebook.
I don't know, I feel like you've come alive.
Cheers.
Here's your graduation present.
Yeah, you've earned it.
Yeah, to get it, you had to...
be spontaneous, learn cricket...
kiss me.
How many jokes are in there?
Where are you...
Yeah.
-Just in case. -Yeah.
Welcome back.
-I'll handle it. -Just go home.
You go home!
-Tower two. -Kapi Kapadia?
-1304. -I know, 1304.
You think that ring will solve anything.
At least I'm not pulling scams at a kitty party.
I see! And how will you convince her to wear it?
By saying, "Beanie, sweetheart, your fingers look bare. Wear this."
Mom? Papa?
-Beanie. -What happened?
What are you both doing here?
-Beanie, wear this. -What? No.
-Just wear it. -No!
-What are you doing, Papa? -What are you doing?
Living life on my terms.
-What? -Yes.
For the first time in my life, I am living by my own rules.
-And you know what? It feels amazing! -Who asked you to do as you please?
-Why didn't you teach me cricket? -How is cricket related to this?
-It is a metaphor, Papa! -You let it be.
Darling, I know you are under a lot of stress. Let me help you.
-I don't want it, Mom. -See? Take this ring. Wear it.
I don't want it, Papa. I don't need any help!
This isn't help, it is bribery.
You'll give me money, then order me around. Right?
"Do this. Don't do that."
So thank you very much, but I'm really sorry.
I can't do this anymore.
I mean, after today, that is.
Look, from now, I will make my own decisions.
If you are fine with it, great.
And if you are not fine, then take somebody's help.
To deal with it. Like your astrologer. Or better still, a therapist!
You have multiple choices.
I love you both.
Good night.
Good night, dear.
She wants to do as she pleases.
When she was six, she wanted to be a gardener.
Could we have let her be one?
-Perhaps she is right. -What?
We need help.
And a therapist, too.
How much therapy do you need? We got ginger-garlic oil for your knees.
-Listen! What are you doing? -Hey, go and get a rickshaw now.
Go inside.