1 00:00:09,105 --> 00:00:12,305 -One margarita and one... -Yes, ma'am. 2 00:00:12,396 --> 00:00:13,806 Why are you wasting time? 3 00:00:13,896 --> 00:00:15,976 Cappuccino, three sugars, right? 4 00:00:16,063 --> 00:00:17,613 -One cappuccino, three sugars. -Sure. 5 00:00:17,688 --> 00:00:19,978 Actually, one more margarita. 6 00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:21,903 -Thank you. -Okay. 7 00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:23,230 I'm guessing pizza? 8 00:00:24,355 --> 00:00:25,555 That's the tequila. 9 00:00:26,230 --> 00:00:27,440 -Thank you. -I'll get it. 10 00:00:29,313 --> 00:00:30,693 Look at you. 11 00:00:30,771 --> 00:00:34,191 Tequila in the morning. Kissing boys on the beaches. 12 00:00:34,271 --> 00:00:35,811 Wearing my sexy clothes. 13 00:00:36,438 --> 00:00:37,898 Red lipstick. 14 00:00:37,980 --> 00:00:41,150 Earlier, wherever you used to go, dreariness used to follow. 15 00:00:41,230 --> 00:00:45,060 People had break-ups because of you. It used to be as if we're at a funeral. 16 00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:46,856 Mosquitoes suck people's blood. 17 00:00:46,938 --> 00:00:48,858 You were sucking happiness from people's lives. 18 00:00:48,938 --> 00:00:51,188 Enough, sister. 19 00:00:51,271 --> 00:00:53,271 Don't be so truthful. It's difficult to digest. 20 00:00:53,355 --> 00:00:55,475 -But that's the truth. -Aren't you ashamed? 21 00:00:55,563 --> 00:00:57,233 -Hi, friend. -Hey. 22 00:00:57,313 --> 00:00:58,773 -Hi, friend. -Hi. 23 00:00:58,855 --> 00:01:02,015 Hey, can you do me a favor and tape my set tonight? 24 00:01:02,105 --> 00:01:02,935 Yeah, sure. 25 00:01:03,021 --> 00:01:05,611 When you're holding the camera, can you laugh a little bit? 26 00:01:05,688 --> 00:01:08,558 When I watch it and don't hear your laugh, it hurts my feelings. 27 00:01:08,646 --> 00:01:10,976 I'm only trying not to mess up your recording. 28 00:01:12,230 --> 00:01:15,980 Plus, I have noticed that you don't laugh when you record my set, either. 29 00:01:16,063 --> 00:01:17,773 See, there's a reason for that. 30 00:01:17,855 --> 00:01:20,395 See, I tend to get so mesmerized by your beauty. 31 00:01:20,938 --> 00:01:22,978 -Yeah. It's the truth. -Oh, my God. 32 00:01:23,063 --> 00:01:25,403 You need to take accountability for your actions. 33 00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:27,560 Let me get out of here. Good seeing you friends. 34 00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:29,645 -And then you. -Okay. 35 00:01:31,396 --> 00:01:33,516 Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Friendship. 36 00:01:34,105 --> 00:01:35,015 I'll see you guys. 37 00:01:35,688 --> 00:01:36,608 "Friendship"? 38 00:01:36,688 --> 00:01:38,768 Oh, my God. You're gonna sleep with him, right? 39 00:01:38,855 --> 00:01:41,055 You're moving on from Arun. That's great, but... 40 00:01:41,146 --> 00:01:43,226 No. I mean, I don't know. 41 00:01:43,313 --> 00:01:45,273 Dude, I was stalking him online yesterday. 42 00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:48,605 And his second cousin is Payal Aunty's Facebook friend. 43 00:01:48,688 --> 00:01:52,018 -What if Payal Aunty tells my parents? -Payal Aunty can't even walk. 44 00:01:52,105 --> 00:01:57,515 How will she tell your parents? And now you're a new Beanie. Beanie 2,0. 45 00:01:57,605 --> 00:02:01,895 Yeah, I'm Beanie 2,0. I don't give a shit. 46 00:02:01,980 --> 00:02:04,110 -Here's your margarita. -Thank you. 47 00:02:04,188 --> 00:02:06,188 -Cheers. -Cheers. 48 00:02:08,271 --> 00:02:09,481 Hey, excuse me! 49 00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:11,560 There's too much tequila. 50 00:02:30,313 --> 00:02:32,693 Tell me, Mr. and Mrs. Bhatnagar. 51 00:02:32,771 --> 00:02:33,731 How can I help you? 52 00:02:33,813 --> 00:02:36,733 Basically, our daughter's brain is damaged. 53 00:02:37,730 --> 00:02:39,900 And she needs a doctor more than we do. 54 00:02:41,146 --> 00:02:42,266 A real doctor. 55 00:02:43,105 --> 00:02:44,265 Mr. Bhatnagar... 56 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:46,770 This is a safe space. 57 00:02:47,438 --> 00:02:49,108 You can talk openly here. 58 00:02:49,730 --> 00:02:53,900 An open dialogue about your feelings, expectations. 59 00:02:54,646 --> 00:02:58,356 While Beanie's out there ruining her life, we're going to sit here and gossip. 60 00:02:58,438 --> 00:03:00,018 And pay for it as well. 61 00:03:00,105 --> 00:03:04,435 Before you leave, just ask him how many daughters does he have. 62 00:03:04,521 --> 00:03:05,441 Five. 63 00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:11,516 Also... how many of them are married? 64 00:03:12,105 --> 00:03:14,805 They're all married. Five out of five. 65 00:03:14,896 --> 00:03:17,856 Well, I'm not in a hurry to leave, actually. 66 00:03:20,688 --> 00:03:25,268 How did you convince your daughters to get married? 67 00:03:25,355 --> 00:03:26,645 Black magic? 68 00:03:29,021 --> 00:03:31,111 Or did you drag them to the altar? 69 00:03:31,188 --> 00:03:33,398 No, I didn't force them. 70 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:37,310 You mean your daughters got married of their own free will? 71 00:03:37,396 --> 00:03:40,556 -Yes. Just like it should be. -Then you're a con-man. 72 00:03:41,938 --> 00:03:45,308 It is futile to take advice from him. We are leaving. Dr. Fraudster. 73 00:03:46,146 --> 00:03:48,766 But I've already paid for five sessions. 74 00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:51,483 Do you have a refund policy, Doctor? 75 00:03:58,896 --> 00:04:00,976 So I'm divorced. Yeah. 76 00:04:01,063 --> 00:04:02,313 Cool brag? 77 00:04:02,396 --> 00:04:07,016 In fact, the only thing cooler than that is the reason I got divorced. 78 00:04:07,105 --> 00:04:08,225 My wife cheated on me. 79 00:04:09,771 --> 00:04:14,111 In fact, many times with many, many men. 80 00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:17,938 In fact, when I got a divorce lawyer, I was telling him the story, 81 00:04:18,021 --> 00:04:22,861 and he was like, "You mean Emily? Yeah, I fucked her two months ago." 82 00:04:24,980 --> 00:04:26,190 Yeah, it's a true story. 83 00:04:26,813 --> 00:04:30,903 Only thing sadder than that was when I found out she was cheating on me 84 00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:32,610 I was at a Baja Fresh. 85 00:04:32,688 --> 00:04:36,938 The only thing sadder than finding out your marriage is ending at a Baja Fresh? 86 00:04:37,021 --> 00:04:39,731 It's how many Burrito Ultimos I ate right after that. 87 00:04:41,521 --> 00:04:44,481 No? Baja Fresh? Do you guys have that? 88 00:04:44,563 --> 00:04:46,653 Maybe that joke works better in America. 89 00:04:50,063 --> 00:04:54,233 Anyway, that's my time. I'm Ravi Patel. Thank you very much. 90 00:04:55,230 --> 00:04:56,270 Thanks. 91 00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:59,610 -Did you laugh at all? -Yes, so much. 92 00:04:59,688 --> 00:05:01,058 Plus, I thought it was so cool 93 00:05:01,146 --> 00:05:03,896 that you had the guts to tell that story on stage. I mean... 94 00:05:03,980 --> 00:05:06,560 -Didn't sound like you laughed at all. -I did. I swear I did. 95 00:05:06,646 --> 00:05:08,556 -Hey, Ravi. -Hey. 96 00:05:08,646 --> 00:05:11,556 -Some of those jokes were actually funny. -Thanks. 97 00:05:11,646 --> 00:05:13,936 And I don't know if this is a good time to tell you, 98 00:05:14,021 --> 00:05:15,811 but I've also fucked Emily. 99 00:05:15,896 --> 00:05:16,976 She's great in bed. 100 00:05:17,938 --> 00:05:18,768 All right. 101 00:05:19,396 --> 00:05:21,936 Also, I'm going to a party right now, in town. 102 00:05:22,021 --> 00:05:24,481 -So if you guys wanna come along... -Yes, definitely. 103 00:05:24,563 --> 00:05:27,403 Don't know about her 'cause she has all these rules and stuff... 104 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:29,110 -I'm in. -Awesome. 105 00:05:29,188 --> 00:05:31,228 So you guys can get a lift with me. 106 00:05:31,313 --> 00:05:32,563 -Yeah. -Fucked my wife... 107 00:05:32,646 --> 00:05:33,766 See you guys downstairs. 108 00:05:34,563 --> 00:05:36,653 What? What, I can't party? 109 00:05:37,730 --> 00:05:40,900 Plus, it's Kaneez Surka. She's like my favorite comic. 110 00:05:40,980 --> 00:05:45,060 -And fuck Payal Aunty. I'm Beanie 2,0. -Who's Payal Aunty? 111 00:06:01,771 --> 00:06:03,151 Is this how comics party? 112 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,310 -How else would they party? -I don't know. 113 00:06:05,396 --> 00:06:08,396 Pretty much the same without the self-loathing and the bitterness. 114 00:06:10,980 --> 00:06:12,020 Oh, my God. 115 00:06:13,146 --> 00:06:14,806 Jesus Christ. 116 00:06:14,896 --> 00:06:16,856 -Beanie. -She doesn't want that. 117 00:06:18,105 --> 00:06:20,475 What is happening? Sorry, I just thought that... 118 00:06:21,146 --> 00:06:23,856 Thought what? That I can't try new things? 119 00:06:25,271 --> 00:06:27,941 What is happening right now? What? Okay. 120 00:06:29,146 --> 00:06:29,976 I'm sorry. 121 00:06:30,688 --> 00:06:32,648 Are you gonna start doing cocaine now? 122 00:06:32,730 --> 00:06:36,900 Maybe go rob somebody, do an orgy? Stop picking up your mom's calls? 123 00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,480 -Maybe. -Okay. Hang on a second. 124 00:06:39,563 --> 00:06:41,813 Are you guys... like a thing? 125 00:06:42,896 --> 00:06:44,016 What? No. 126 00:06:44,105 --> 00:06:47,185 -I see what's happening in here. -No, we're not a... Why is she... 127 00:06:48,271 --> 00:06:50,561 We're not a... Did you say yes? 128 00:06:52,188 --> 00:06:53,228 Not yet. 129 00:06:55,896 --> 00:06:56,976 Are we a thing? 130 00:07:06,980 --> 00:07:07,980 Hi, Payal Aunty. 131 00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:10,943 -Hello. -What did you think? 132 00:07:11,021 --> 00:07:14,561 You'll party and have sex with your druggie friends, 133 00:07:14,646 --> 00:07:17,356 and I won't tell Shruti and Vasant about it? 134 00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:20,808 If you're Beanie 2,0, then I'm Aunty 2,0. 135 00:07:20,896 --> 00:07:23,606 -I'll call them right way... -No, aunty. Hello? Aunty, please! 136 00:07:23,688 --> 00:07:25,058 Aunty? Hello? 137 00:07:25,855 --> 00:07:30,105 You'll receive a 50% discount on your next four purchases at Daily J Mart. 138 00:07:30,188 --> 00:07:31,768 If you'd like to register now... 139 00:07:31,855 --> 00:07:34,225 Felt like flirting. What's wrong with your face? 140 00:07:34,313 --> 00:07:36,363 -What? Nothing. -You okay? 141 00:07:36,438 --> 00:07:38,358 Yeah. It's not like someone over here 142 00:07:38,438 --> 00:07:41,398 is Facebook friends with your second cousin or my aunt. 143 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:44,520 That's a very specific hypothetical. I'm gonna take that as a no. 144 00:07:45,605 --> 00:07:47,855 No... I think. 145 00:07:50,021 --> 00:07:51,231 Come on. We're gotta do this. 146 00:07:54,855 --> 00:07:57,855 -Flies... It's gonna... It's angry. -What? 147 00:07:59,105 --> 00:08:00,605 Angry Birds? 148 00:08:01,313 --> 00:08:03,443 -Eagle? -It's a bird that eats dead Parsi people. 149 00:08:03,521 --> 00:08:05,611 Vulture! Okay. 150 00:08:07,021 --> 00:08:07,981 Like a... 151 00:08:08,563 --> 00:08:10,813 -No. Like a horse with a horn. -Unicorn! 152 00:08:10,896 --> 00:08:12,226 -Yes. Next! -Yes! Yes! 153 00:08:12,813 --> 00:08:15,903 -It's like the most popular kinda porn-- -I don't watch porn! 154 00:08:15,980 --> 00:08:17,690 -Older women. -Cougar. 155 00:08:17,771 --> 00:08:20,111 -Yes! Yes, we did it! -Cougar! 156 00:08:20,188 --> 00:08:23,358 Oh, my God! You were amazing! 157 00:08:23,438 --> 00:08:26,018 We would've got nine if you knew that tigers had stripes. 158 00:08:26,105 --> 00:08:29,015 We got eight... Yeah, we could be pinching each other... 159 00:08:37,521 --> 00:08:41,151 Sex with me is like a book. Like a really short book, like a pamphlet. 160 00:08:44,355 --> 00:08:48,305 Sex with me is like a book. You have to spread it open to begin. 161 00:08:48,396 --> 00:08:51,726 Sex with me is like a book. It takes weeks to finish. 162 00:08:53,771 --> 00:08:55,151 Sex with me is like a book. 163 00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:57,610 There's a chance you'll fall asleep halfway through. 164 00:08:57,688 --> 00:08:59,188 -Nice. -Nice. 165 00:09:00,646 --> 00:09:01,896 Sex with me is like... 166 00:09:05,521 --> 00:09:06,901 Like what, my child? 167 00:09:11,938 --> 00:09:12,938 I'll get that. 168 00:09:16,105 --> 00:09:18,685 I heard my cheapo, characterless daughter is partying here. 169 00:09:22,813 --> 00:09:24,773 I need some fresh air. I'll just be back. 170 00:09:27,813 --> 00:09:29,153 Where are you running? 171 00:09:33,438 --> 00:09:34,608 Beanie! Hey! 172 00:09:38,105 --> 00:09:41,725 -I'm sorry. I'm hallucinating. -Is it the weed? Are you paranoid? 173 00:09:42,355 --> 00:09:46,475 Yeah, I'm paranoid, and I'm guilty, and I'm really scared 174 00:09:46,563 --> 00:09:48,653 that my parents are going to find out about us. 175 00:09:48,730 --> 00:09:50,690 That's paranoia. That's weed. 176 00:09:50,771 --> 00:09:54,941 I mean, no. I just broke my engagement so recently. 177 00:09:55,021 --> 00:09:57,901 And now I'm sleeping around with this random NRI guy. Sorry. 178 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,270 Their heads will explode when they find out. 179 00:10:00,355 --> 00:10:03,555 Did you say... We haven't had sex... 180 00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:06,773 -Are we about to have sex? -What? 181 00:10:06,855 --> 00:10:08,105 Are we about to have sex? 182 00:10:09,021 --> 00:10:12,361 -I don't know. What? -This is a great development. Is this... 183 00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:14,150 -What? -What are you saying? 184 00:10:14,230 --> 00:10:17,810 -No. I don't know. What are you saying? -I don't know. What are you saying? 185 00:10:19,313 --> 00:10:21,613 Fuck it. I don't care what they think. 186 00:10:38,646 --> 00:10:41,476 -Should we take this somewhere else? -Yeah. Yes, definitely. 187 00:10:41,563 --> 00:10:44,693 My place. My grandmother's there. She can't hear that well. 188 00:10:44,771 --> 00:10:45,861 -So we should just-- -What? 189 00:10:45,938 --> 00:10:48,688 Yeah. Honestly, she's really worried about me being single-- 190 00:10:48,771 --> 00:10:51,191 -No! No, no. -Okay. 191 00:10:51,271 --> 00:10:53,271 I mean, I live on a couch, so, no, also. 192 00:10:53,355 --> 00:10:56,555 If everyone in India lives with their family, where do they have sex? 193 00:10:57,521 --> 00:10:58,441 What? 194 00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:04,560 Oh, God! 195 00:11:05,771 --> 00:11:09,361 You've gotta live Gotta live your life now 196 00:11:09,438 --> 00:11:13,058 You've gotta live You've gotta live it up now 197 00:11:13,646 --> 00:11:15,806 -It's the... No... -Turn it off. 198 00:11:17,146 --> 00:11:19,516 Let me hear you scream 199 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:24,110 You've gotta live Gotta live your life now 200 00:11:24,188 --> 00:11:27,978 You've gotta live You've gotta live it up now 201 00:11:42,355 --> 00:11:45,475 Was that... Was that an aunty that came in? 202 00:11:48,021 --> 00:11:49,021 Oh, my God. 203 00:11:58,563 --> 00:12:02,653 Should we go to dinner sometime? Just kinda class it up? 204 00:12:03,521 --> 00:12:04,981 -Yeah, sure. -Okay. 205 00:12:05,063 --> 00:12:06,943 Listen. Can I ask you something, though? 206 00:12:07,813 --> 00:12:09,063 Yeah. 207 00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:12,686 Would it be okay if we took things a little bit slowly? 208 00:12:13,896 --> 00:12:15,356 -'Cause-- -What? 209 00:12:15,438 --> 00:12:17,768 I mean, I'm divorced, so slow is probably... 210 00:12:17,855 --> 00:12:20,935 Wait. Do you mean like a "no strings attached" thing? 211 00:12:21,896 --> 00:12:22,976 I mean, like a... 212 00:12:23,688 --> 00:12:27,478 "not a serious commitment immediately" thing. 213 00:12:27,563 --> 00:12:30,403 I mean... I mean, most guys would kill for that. 214 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,270 I'm not that kind of guy, I'm a sweetheart, 215 00:12:32,355 --> 00:12:34,475 but if that's what you need to feel supported... 216 00:12:34,563 --> 00:12:36,813 Yeah, we can... I will say that... 217 00:12:36,896 --> 00:12:39,436 most people make this arrangement, then it doesn't work 218 00:12:39,521 --> 00:12:41,731 because actually there's feelings underneath it. 219 00:12:41,813 --> 00:12:43,313 But we can make it work. 220 00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:46,310 Yeah. I mean, I really like you, but we can... 221 00:12:46,396 --> 00:12:50,266 -I like you too. -Good. Yeah, I like you, too. So... great. 222 00:12:54,021 --> 00:12:57,021 -Okay. All right. -Okay. So... I'll see you. 223 00:12:57,105 --> 00:12:58,645 -Do you wanna... -Yeah. 224 00:12:59,563 --> 00:13:00,563 Should we... 225 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:04,360 Okay. 226 00:13:05,646 --> 00:13:06,606 -Bye. -Bye. 227 00:13:06,688 --> 00:13:07,898 -All right. -See you. 228 00:13:15,188 --> 00:13:16,188 Bhaiya. 229 00:13:29,230 --> 00:13:32,650 Mrs. Bhatnagar, thank you for bringing your family album. 230 00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:36,058 It'll help me understand your family better. 231 00:13:37,730 --> 00:13:40,900 Mrs. Bhatnagar, let's talk about you today. 232 00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:42,361 Why me? 233 00:13:43,063 --> 00:13:46,773 Is Vasant done with the therapy? I mean, he has too many problems. 234 00:13:46,855 --> 00:13:49,645 Hey, we're paying him by the minute. Hurry! 235 00:13:50,521 --> 00:13:52,311 -Do it. -Relax, Mrs. Bhatnagar. 236 00:13:53,355 --> 00:13:55,765 Tell me. Tell me anything. 237 00:13:57,563 --> 00:14:00,023 I find Beanie very unfunny. 238 00:14:02,396 --> 00:14:03,556 It's okay. 239 00:14:04,230 --> 00:14:08,230 Which is strange because Vasant and I are very funny. Right? 240 00:14:08,313 --> 00:14:09,943 Yes, we're really funny. 241 00:14:10,021 --> 00:14:11,441 I understand. 242 00:14:12,146 --> 00:14:15,976 But it is also possible that Beanie is funny... 243 00:14:16,938 --> 00:14:19,648 and you're just worried about her future. 244 00:14:20,980 --> 00:14:23,400 Sounds to me like you're suffocating her. 245 00:14:24,063 --> 00:14:26,063 Great! Drag us to therapy! 246 00:14:26,896 --> 00:14:29,476 Means... our mistake only. 247 00:14:29,563 --> 00:14:33,773 Mrs. Bhatnagar, just think about it, okay? 248 00:14:35,396 --> 00:14:37,976 Meanwhile, would you like to share something? 249 00:14:38,605 --> 00:14:40,935 Mr. Bhatnagar, please! 250 00:14:41,021 --> 00:14:42,401 You can open up! 251 00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:45,310 You could relax your mind by doing that. 252 00:14:48,563 --> 00:14:50,523 Since we've paid already, why not? 253 00:14:52,313 --> 00:14:57,233 People had queued up outside, and they were, like, knocking, dude. 254 00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,903 Can you believe it? I just didn't care. 255 00:15:00,563 --> 00:15:02,613 I mean, I... Like, I... 256 00:15:02,688 --> 00:15:06,358 I used to be embarrassed to even sneeze in the elevator. 257 00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:08,358 And here, this old lady was staring at me... 258 00:15:08,438 --> 00:15:10,358 but I did not give a fuck. 259 00:15:11,188 --> 00:15:13,808 Dude, you have to perform this on stage today, okay? 260 00:15:13,896 --> 00:15:14,896 Are you nuts? 261 00:15:15,605 --> 00:15:18,395 I can't say this on stage. People will hear it. 262 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,110 Isn't that the point of stand-up? 263 00:15:23,021 --> 00:15:24,401 I keep dreaming of death. 264 00:15:25,396 --> 00:15:28,766 My whole body starts shivering. 265 00:15:30,313 --> 00:15:34,773 Sometimes diabetes, sometimes heart fail, or sometimes diabetic heart fail. 266 00:15:34,855 --> 00:15:39,605 Doctor, look at this. My hand's shivering. It's shivering continuously. 267 00:15:40,688 --> 00:15:44,648 Mr. Bhatnagar, these things take time. 268 00:15:44,730 --> 00:15:46,610 But there is no time. 269 00:15:47,813 --> 00:15:50,153 Beanie's going to turn 30. 270 00:15:50,230 --> 00:15:51,940 What do you call that... 271 00:15:52,688 --> 00:15:54,608 Biological clock. It's ticking. 272 00:15:55,396 --> 00:15:56,226 Continuously. 273 00:15:56,980 --> 00:16:00,270 Now you'll say she could go for IVF, right? 274 00:16:01,105 --> 00:16:03,765 Do you know how babies are produced in IVF? Do you? 275 00:16:04,646 --> 00:16:07,266 Like this. Mixed in a plate. 276 00:16:07,355 --> 00:16:10,015 Do I want my grandkids served on a plate? 277 00:16:10,105 --> 00:16:12,015 Is it a baby or porridge? 278 00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:13,225 Nonsense. 279 00:16:14,271 --> 00:16:17,481 This entire generation has lost its marbles. 280 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:20,690 When I was young... 281 00:16:21,688 --> 00:16:23,768 I always obeyed my father. 282 00:16:23,855 --> 00:16:26,395 "Vasant, wash your hands." I washed them. 283 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:28,650 "Vasant, go pee." I peed. 284 00:16:28,730 --> 00:16:31,860 "Marry her!" And I did. Which is why I've had a good life! 285 00:16:31,938 --> 00:16:34,558 At least don't lie to the doctor. 286 00:16:34,646 --> 00:16:37,306 When he was young, he didn't always listen to his father. 287 00:16:37,396 --> 00:16:39,016 What nonsense are you talking? 288 00:16:39,646 --> 00:16:40,896 Look at this, Doctor. 289 00:16:41,771 --> 00:16:46,611 Look at this. In his younger days, his father hated his long hair. 290 00:16:46,688 --> 00:16:52,898 From 1978 to 1983, he kept trying to drag him to the barber. 291 00:16:52,980 --> 00:16:57,400 Take a look at this, too. He even went after him with a scissor. 292 00:16:58,730 --> 00:16:59,650 Why are you laughing? 293 00:16:59,730 --> 00:17:02,940 That was a different matter. 294 00:17:03,021 --> 00:17:07,611 Actually, my father was very old-fashioned. 295 00:17:07,688 --> 00:17:10,808 He had no fashion sense at all. Absolutely none. 296 00:17:10,896 --> 00:17:12,896 -Mr. Bhatnagar... -Yes, sir. 297 00:17:14,105 --> 00:17:18,265 Is it possible that you have become so old-fashioned... 298 00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:22,608 That you're unable to understand Beanie's life choices? 299 00:17:23,938 --> 00:17:25,148 It is your duty... 300 00:17:26,105 --> 00:17:27,395 to understand Beanie. 301 00:17:29,271 --> 00:17:31,861 Then whether she wants to marry or not... 302 00:17:32,521 --> 00:17:36,811 Whether she wants to have kids or be a stand-up comedian... 303 00:17:37,521 --> 00:17:39,191 There's very little you can do about it. 304 00:17:40,063 --> 00:17:41,063 It's her life. 305 00:17:45,938 --> 00:17:48,148 Okay, but do I have to do the sex bit? 306 00:17:48,230 --> 00:17:50,150 This is such a big room. I have other jokes. 307 00:17:50,230 --> 00:17:52,980 No. It's your truth. It's the real stuff that kills. Trust me. 308 00:17:53,063 --> 00:17:55,523 -It's embarrassing. -It's embarrassing for me. 309 00:17:55,605 --> 00:17:58,975 You think I'm thrilled that sex with me led to all these bits? 310 00:17:59,063 --> 00:18:00,313 Trust me. Just do your truth. 311 00:18:00,396 --> 00:18:02,856 What's the point of doing this if you can't do that, right? 312 00:18:04,605 --> 00:18:06,395 Why are you so irritating? 313 00:18:09,063 --> 00:18:09,903 Yes, Mom. 314 00:18:09,980 --> 00:18:11,150 -How are you? -You're next. 315 00:18:11,230 --> 00:18:13,110 I'm at a show. Can I call you later? 316 00:18:13,188 --> 00:18:15,688 No, wait a minute! It's important. 317 00:18:15,771 --> 00:18:17,151 Come home for lunch tomorrow. 318 00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:19,270 Mom, you both will lecture me again. 319 00:18:19,355 --> 00:18:24,225 There will be no lecture. Your mother and I have talked about it. 320 00:18:24,313 --> 00:18:28,113 -If you want to do stand-up, do it. -Even if no one laughs. 321 00:18:28,188 --> 00:18:30,058 -Yes, do it. -Are you both okay? 322 00:18:30,146 --> 00:18:33,646 Of course, we are fine. I swear on our astrologer. 323 00:18:33,730 --> 00:18:36,650 Do come, okay? I'm making pan-fried eggplant for you. 324 00:18:36,730 --> 00:18:40,560 Fine, I'll come. I promise. Okay, Mom, bye. 325 00:18:40,646 --> 00:18:41,976 Bye, dear, best of luck! 326 00:18:42,063 --> 00:18:44,563 -Come over. We will wait-- -She hung up. 327 00:18:47,105 --> 00:18:49,105 They say, "Break a leg," actually. 328 00:18:49,188 --> 00:18:52,398 Why to break a leg when we want to wish her good? It doesn't make sense! 329 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,610 -Nevermind. -Don't say anything like this. 330 00:18:55,355 --> 00:18:59,185 There's nothing sadder than finding out that your wife is cheating on you 331 00:18:59,271 --> 00:19:00,691 while you're in a Taco Bell. 332 00:19:01,646 --> 00:19:04,936 Unless you count the ten bean and cheese burritos I ordered after that. 333 00:19:06,355 --> 00:19:07,605 Yeah. 334 00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:11,018 Anything sadder than that would be the ten hours I spent 335 00:19:11,105 --> 00:19:12,105 on the toilet. 336 00:19:13,771 --> 00:19:16,361 {\an8}I thought the worst part would be the divorce... 337 00:19:17,021 --> 00:19:22,861 {\an8}but turns out the worst part is where a stranger has his dick in your wife. 338 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,230 {\an8}Yeah, that's the worst part. 339 00:19:27,021 --> 00:19:31,311 {\an8}The stranger's dick in your wife. That's all my time. You guys have been... 340 00:19:31,396 --> 00:19:33,266 right down the middle, if I'm being honest. 341 00:19:33,355 --> 00:19:35,975 Thank you so much. Good night. 342 00:19:38,313 --> 00:19:40,403 Do you not eat Mexican food? Thanks. 343 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,440 -Speak your truth, huh? -Wait, Beanie. 344 00:19:43,105 --> 00:19:44,475 Don't fucking bother, Ravi. 345 00:19:47,230 --> 00:19:49,940 So how many women over here have been cheated on? 346 00:19:51,646 --> 00:19:54,396 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 347 00:19:55,146 --> 00:19:58,726 I mean, I just got cheated upon. Like, right now. 348 00:19:59,355 --> 00:20:01,355 I had sex with this guy yesterday. 349 00:20:02,230 --> 00:20:03,360 In a bathroom. 350 00:20:03,438 --> 00:20:08,608 We girls don't even pee in a public toilet, and I had sex in one. 351 00:20:10,021 --> 00:20:13,861 I'm perched on the sink, and I'm getting wet. 352 00:20:13,938 --> 00:20:15,308 I'm getting wet... 353 00:20:16,105 --> 00:20:17,895 thanks to the leaking flush tank. 354 00:20:22,146 --> 00:20:25,476 And in a country of 1,35 billion people, 355 00:20:25,563 --> 00:20:29,443 every minute, at least half a billion people are dying to pee. 356 00:20:30,188 --> 00:20:31,268 And so it happened. 357 00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:32,685 An old lady. 358 00:20:33,605 --> 00:20:36,185 She's looking inside, our eyes meet. 359 00:20:36,271 --> 00:20:38,941 And with the wink of an eye, she is conveying something. 360 00:20:39,021 --> 00:20:42,361 "Honey, these bathroom-sex guys don't last." 361 00:20:42,980 --> 00:20:44,480 Well, now it's too late, ma'am. 362 00:20:46,188 --> 00:20:48,108 Now, just to be clear... 363 00:20:48,188 --> 00:20:50,478 This bathroom king was not my boyfriend. 364 00:20:51,813 --> 00:20:55,193 We were just, like, you know, "Keeping it caszh." 365 00:20:55,271 --> 00:21:01,401 We trust these guys so much that we close our eyes while having sex. 366 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:06,940 And while our eyes are closed, they're texting their wives. 367 00:21:07,021 --> 00:21:10,811 "Baby, this one-on-one meeting will be over in ten minutes!" 368 00:21:11,855 --> 00:21:13,185 Ten minutes? 369 00:21:15,063 --> 00:21:16,733 Two. 370 00:21:16,813 --> 00:21:19,563 Out of which, one minute was spent in climbing the sink. 371 00:21:20,605 --> 00:21:23,395 And the best part is that 372 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:26,980 this guy's been lecturing me about honesty for the past month. 373 00:21:27,063 --> 00:21:29,113 Shamelessly. 374 00:21:31,021 --> 00:21:32,521 But I am feeling ashamed. 375 00:21:33,438 --> 00:21:38,648 Because in one day, I had a threesome with a sink, tap, and a man... 376 00:21:39,563 --> 00:21:41,523 and I've become the "other woman," too. 377 00:21:42,563 --> 00:21:43,863 That's great, right? 378 00:21:43,938 --> 00:21:47,268 Thanks, guys. I'm Beanie Bhatnagar. And that is my show. 379 00:21:48,188 --> 00:21:51,808 You can directly contact me for corporate booking or group enquiry... 380 00:21:51,896 --> 00:21:54,396 because, of course, I don't have a manager. 381 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,860 I'm that fucking easy! 382 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,480 I had sex with this guy yesterday. 383 00:22:01,563 --> 00:22:02,773 In the bathroom. 384 00:22:02,855 --> 00:22:07,725 We girls don't even pee in a public toilet, and I had sex in one. 385 00:22:08,771 --> 00:22:11,861 I'm perched on the sink, and I'm getting wet. 386 00:22:11,938 --> 00:22:13,398 I'm getting wet...