-One margarita and one... -Yes, ma'am.
Why are you wasting time?
Cappuccino, three sugars, right?
-One cappuccino, three sugars. -Sure.
Actually, one more margarita.
-Thank you. -Okay.
I'm guessing pizza?
That's the tequila.
-Thank you. -I'll get it.
Look at you.
Tequila in the morning. Kissing boys on the beaches.
Wearing my sexy clothes.
Red lipstick.
Earlier, wherever you used to go, dreariness used to follow.
People had break-ups because of you. It used to be as if we're at a funeral.
Mosquitoes suck people's blood.
You were sucking happiness from people's lives.
Enough, sister.
Don't be so truthful. It's difficult to digest.
-But that's the truth. -Aren't you ashamed?
-Hi, friend. -Hey.
-Hi, friend. -Hi.
Hey, can you do me a favor and tape my set tonight?
Yeah, sure.
When you're holding the camera, can you laugh a little bit?
When I watch it and don't hear your laugh, it hurts my feelings.
I'm only trying not to mess up your recording.
Plus, I have noticed that you don't laugh when you record my set, either.
See, there's a reason for that.
See, I tend to get so mesmerized by your beauty.
-Yeah. It's the truth. -Oh, my God.
You need to take accountability for your actions.
Let me get out of here. Good seeing you friends.
-And then you. -Okay.
Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Friendship.
I'll see you guys.
"Friendship"?
Oh, my God. You're gonna sleep with him, right?
You're moving on from Arun. That's great, but...
No. I mean, I don't know.
Dude, I was stalking him online yesterday.
And his second cousin is Payal Aunty's Facebook friend.
-What if Payal Aunty tells my parents? -Payal Aunty can't even walk.
How will she tell your parents? And now you're a new Beanie. Beanie 2,0.
Yeah, I'm Beanie 2,0. I don't give a shit.
-Here's your margarita. -Thank you.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
Hey, excuse me!
There's too much tequila.
Tell me, Mr. and Mrs. Bhatnagar.
How can I help you?
Basically, our daughter's brain is damaged.
And she needs a doctor more than we do.
A real doctor.
Mr. Bhatnagar...
This is a safe space.
You can talk openly here.
An open dialogue about your feelings, expectations.
While Beanie's out there ruining her life, we're going to sit here and gossip.
And pay for it as well.
Before you leave, just ask him how many daughters does he have.
Five.
Also... how many of them are married?
They're all married. Five out of five.
Well, I'm not in a hurry to leave, actually.
How did you convince your daughters to get married?
Black magic?
Or did you drag them to the altar?
No, I didn't force them.
You mean your daughters got married of their own free will?
-Yes. Just like it should be. -Then you're a con-man.
It is futile to take advice from him. We are leaving. Dr. Fraudster.
But I've already paid for five sessions.
Do you have a refund policy, Doctor?
So I'm divorced. Yeah.
Cool brag?
In fact, the only thing cooler than that is the reason I got divorced.
My wife cheated on me.
In fact, many times with many, many men.
In fact, when I got a divorce lawyer, I was telling him the story,
and he was like, "You mean Emily? Yeah, I fucked her two months ago."
Yeah, it's a true story.
Only thing sadder than that was when I found out she was cheating on me
I was at a Baja Fresh.
The only thing sadder than finding out your marriage is ending at a Baja Fresh?
It's how many Burrito Ultimos I ate right after that.
No? Baja Fresh? Do you guys have that?
Maybe that joke works better in America.
Anyway, that's my time. I'm Ravi Patel. Thank you very much.
Thanks.
-Did you laugh at all? -Yes, so much.
Plus, I thought it was so cool
that you had the guts to tell that story on stage. I mean...
-Didn't sound like you laughed at all. -I did. I swear I did.
-Hey, Ravi. -Hey.
-Some of those jokes were actually funny. -Thanks.
And I don't know if this is a good time to tell you,
but I've also fucked Emily.
She's great in bed.
All right.
Also, I'm going to a party right now, in town.
-So if you guys wanna come along... -Yes, definitely.
Don't know about her 'cause she has all these rules and stuff...
-I'm in. -Awesome.
So you guys can get a lift with me.
-Yeah. -Fucked my wife...
See you guys downstairs.
What? What, I can't party?
Plus, it's Kaneez Surka. She's like my favorite comic.
-And fuck Payal Aunty. I'm Beanie 2,0. -Who's Payal Aunty?
Is this how comics party?
-How else would they party? -I don't know.
Pretty much the same without the self-loathing and the bitterness.
Oh, my God.
Jesus Christ.
-Beanie. -She doesn't want that.
What is happening? Sorry, I just thought that...
Thought what? That I can't try new things?
What is happening right now? What? Okay.
I'm sorry.
Are you gonna start doing cocaine now?
Maybe go rob somebody, do an orgy? Stop picking up your mom's calls?
-Maybe. -Okay. Hang on a second.
Are you guys... like a thing?
What? No.
-I see what's happening in here. -No, we're not a... Why is she...
We're not a... Did you say yes?
Not yet.
Are we a thing?
Hi, Payal Aunty.
-Hello. -What did you think?
You'll party and have sex with your druggie friends,
and I won't tell Shruti and Vasant about it?
If you're Beanie 2,0, then I'm Aunty 2,0.
-I'll call them right way... -No, aunty. Hello? Aunty, please!
Aunty? Hello?
You'll receive a 50% discount on your next four purchases at Daily J Mart.
If you'd like to register now...
Felt like flirting. What's wrong with your face?
-What? Nothing. -You okay?
Yeah. It's not like someone over here
is Facebook friends with your second cousin or my aunt.
That's a very specific hypothetical. I'm gonna take that as a no.
No... I think.
Come on. We're gotta do this.
-Flies... It's gonna... It's angry. -What?
Angry Birds?
-Eagle? -It's a bird that eats dead Parsi people.
Vulture! Okay.
Like a...
-No. Like a horse with a horn. -Unicorn!
-Yes. Next! -Yes! Yes!
-It's like the most popular kinda porn-- -I don't watch porn!
-Older women. -Cougar.
-Yes! Yes, we did it! -Cougar!
Oh, my God! You were amazing!
We would've got nine if you knew that tigers had stripes.
We got eight... Yeah, we could be pinching each other...
Sex with me is like a book. Like a really short book, like a pamphlet.
Sex with me is like a book. You have to spread it open to begin.
Sex with me is like a book. It takes weeks to finish.
Sex with me is like a book.
There's a chance you'll fall asleep halfway through.
-Nice. -Nice.
Sex with me is like...
Like what, my child?
I'll get that.
I heard my cheapo, characterless daughter is partying here.
I need some fresh air. I'll just be back.
Where are you running?
Beanie! Hey!
-I'm sorry. I'm hallucinating. -Is it the weed? Are you paranoid?
Yeah, I'm paranoid, and I'm guilty, and I'm really scared
that my parents are going to find out about us.
That's paranoia. That's weed.
I mean, no. I just broke my engagement so recently.
And now I'm sleeping around with this random NRI guy. Sorry.
Their heads will explode when they find out.
Did you say... We haven't had sex...
-Are we about to have sex? -What?
Are we about to have sex?
-I don't know. What? -This is a great development. Is this...
-What? -What are you saying?
-No. I don't know. What are you saying? -I don't know. What are you saying?
Fuck it. I don't care what they think.
-Should we take this somewhere else? -Yeah. Yes, definitely.
My place. My grandmother's there. She can't hear that well.
-So we should just-- -What?
Yeah. Honestly, she's really worried about me being single--
-No! No, no. -Okay.
I mean, I live on a couch, so, no, also.
If everyone in India lives with their family, where do they have sex?
What?
Oh, God!
You've gotta live Gotta live your life now
You've gotta live You've gotta live it up now
-It's the... No... -Turn it off.
Let me hear you scream
You've gotta live Gotta live your life now
You've gotta live You've gotta live it up now
Was that... Was that an aunty that came in?
Oh, my God.
Should we go to dinner sometime? Just kinda class it up?
-Yeah, sure. -Okay.
Listen. Can I ask you something, though?
Yeah.
Would it be okay if we took things a little bit slowly?
-'Cause-- -What?
I mean, I'm divorced, so slow is probably...
Wait. Do you mean like a "no strings attached" thing?
I mean, like a...
"not a serious commitment immediately" thing.
I mean... I mean, most guys would kill for that.
I'm not that kind of guy, I'm a sweetheart,
but if that's what you need to feel supported...
Yeah, we can... I will say that...
most people make this arrangement, then it doesn't work
because actually there's feelings underneath it.
But we can make it work.
Yeah. I mean, I really like you, but we can...
-I like you too. -Good. Yeah, I like you, too. So... great.
-Okay. All right. -Okay. So... I'll see you.
-Do you wanna... -Yeah.
Should we...
Okay.
-Bye. -Bye.
-All right. -See you.
Bhaiya.
Mrs. Bhatnagar, thank you for bringing your family album.
It'll help me understand your family better.
Mrs. Bhatnagar, let's talk about you today.
Why me?
Is Vasant done with the therapy? I mean, he has too many problems.
Hey, we're paying him by the minute. Hurry!
-Do it. -Relax, Mrs. Bhatnagar.
Tell me. Tell me anything.
I find Beanie very unfunny.
It's okay.
Which is strange because Vasant and I are very funny. Right?
Yes, we're really funny.
I understand.
But it is also possible that Beanie is funny...
and you're just worried about her future.
Sounds to me like you're suffocating her.
Great! Drag us to therapy!
Means... our mistake only.
Mrs. Bhatnagar, just think about it, okay?
Meanwhile, would you like to share something?
Mr. Bhatnagar, please!
You can open up!
You could relax your mind by doing that.
Since we've paid already, why not?
People had queued up outside, and they were, like, knocking, dude.
Can you believe it? I just didn't care.
I mean, I... Like, I...
I used to be embarrassed to even sneeze in the elevator.
And here, this old lady was staring at me...
but I did not give a fuck.
Dude, you have to perform this on stage today, okay?
Are you nuts?
I can't say this on stage. People will hear it.
Isn't that the point of stand-up?
I keep dreaming of death.
My whole body starts shivering.
Sometimes diabetes, sometimes heart fail, or sometimes diabetic heart fail.
Doctor, look at this. My hand's shivering. It's shivering continuously.
Mr. Bhatnagar, these things take time.
But there is no time.
Beanie's going to turn 30.
What do you call that...
Biological clock. It's ticking.
Continuously.
Now you'll say she could go for IVF, right?
Do you know how babies are produced in IVF? Do you?
Like this. Mixed in a plate.
Do I want my grandkids served on a plate?
Is it a baby or porridge?
Nonsense.
This entire generation has lost its marbles.
When I was young...
I always obeyed my father.
"Vasant, wash your hands." I washed them.
"Vasant, go pee." I peed.
"Marry her!" And I did. Which is why I've had a good life!
At least don't lie to the doctor.
When he was young, he didn't always listen to his father.
What nonsense are you talking?
Look at this, Doctor.
Look at this. In his younger days, his father hated his long hair.
From 1978 to 1983, he kept trying to drag him to the barber.
Take a look at this, too. He even went after him with a scissor.
Why are you laughing?
That was a different matter.
Actually, my father was very old-fashioned.
He had no fashion sense at all. Absolutely none.
-Mr. Bhatnagar... -Yes, sir.
Is it possible that you have become so old-fashioned...
That you're unable to understand Beanie's life choices?
It is your duty...
to understand Beanie.
Then whether she wants to marry or not...
Whether she wants to have kids or be a stand-up comedian...
There's very little you can do about it.
It's her life.
Okay, but do I have to do the sex bit?
This is such a big room. I have other jokes.
No. It's your truth. It's the real stuff that kills. Trust me.
-It's embarrassing. -It's embarrassing for me.
You think I'm thrilled that sex with me led to all these bits?
Trust me. Just do your truth.
What's the point of doing this if you can't do that, right?
Why are you so irritating?
Yes, Mom.
-How are you? -You're next.
I'm at a show. Can I call you later?
No, wait a minute! It's important.
Come home for lunch tomorrow.
Mom, you both will lecture me again.
There will be no lecture. Your mother and I have talked about it.
-If you want to do stand-up, do it. -Even if no one laughs.
-Yes, do it. -Are you both okay?
Of course, we are fine. I swear on our astrologer.
Do come, okay? I'm making pan-fried eggplant for you.
Fine, I'll come. I promise. Okay, Mom, bye.
Bye, dear, best of luck!
-Come over. We will wait-- -She hung up.
They say, "Break a leg," actually.
Why to break a leg when we want to wish her good? It doesn't make sense!
-Nevermind. -Don't say anything like this.
There's nothing sadder than finding out that your wife is cheating on you
while you're in a Taco Bell.
Unless you count the ten bean and cheese burritos I ordered after that.
Yeah.
Anything sadder than that would be the ten hours I spent
on the toilet.
I thought the worst part would be the divorce...
but turns out the worst part is where a stranger has his dick in your wife.
Yeah, that's the worst part.
The stranger's dick in your wife. That's all my time. You guys have been...
right down the middle, if I'm being honest.
Thank you so much. Good night.
Do you not eat Mexican food? Thanks.
-Speak your truth, huh? -Wait, Beanie.
Don't fucking bother, Ravi.
So how many women over here have been cheated on?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, I just got cheated upon. Like, right now.
I had sex with this guy yesterday.
In a bathroom.
We girls don't even pee in a public toilet, and I had sex in one.
I'm perched on the sink, and I'm getting wet.
I'm getting wet...
thanks to the leaking flush tank.
And in a country of 1,35 billion people,
every minute, at least half a billion people are dying to pee.
And so it happened.
An old lady.
She's looking inside, our eyes meet.
And with the wink of an eye, she is conveying something.
"Honey, these bathroom-sex guys don't last."
Well, now it's too late, ma'am.
Now, just to be clear...
This bathroom king was not my boyfriend.
We were just, like, you know, "Keeping it caszh."
We trust these guys so much that we close our eyes while having sex.
And while our eyes are closed, they're texting their wives.
"Baby, this one-on-one meeting will be over in ten minutes!"
Ten minutes?
Two.
Out of which, one minute was spent in climbing the sink.
And the best part is that
this guy's been lecturing me about honesty for the past month.
Shamelessly.
But I am feeling ashamed.
Because in one day, I had a threesome with a sink, tap, and a man...
and I've become the "other woman," too.
That's great, right?
Thanks, guys. I'm Beanie Bhatnagar. And that is my show.
You can directly contact me for corporate booking or group enquiry...
because, of course, I don't have a manager.
I'm that fucking easy!
I had sex with this guy yesterday.
In the bathroom.
We girls don't even pee in a public toilet, and I had sex in one.
I'm perched on the sink, and I'm getting wet.
I'm getting wet...