Is lunch ready, Ma? Please hurry, I'm starving!
Hi, Papa. Has your anger cooled down now?
Shruti!
What happened? Who died?
Hey!
Are you going on a trip? First honeymoon ever?
These are the rest of your clothes.
Why?
What happened? You invited me for lunch yesterday.
We saw your show.
Yesterday, I slept with that boy.
Shruti, stop it. I don't want to listen to her cheap comedy.
I don't even want to see your face.
Papa, I'm sorry...
Is this true, Beanie?
If this is true...
you can't live here, Bindiya.
Mom, I...
Hey, it's me. I know you're angry, but can you please call me back? Please.
I know you're hearing this, Beanie.
You're incapable of getting a voice note and not playing it, so--
See? What did I tell you?
What a desperate loser!
Kap, you made breakfast for me.
So sweet. You shouldn't have.
I didn't. It's for my blog.
What a spread!
That's not whipped cream, it's shaving cream.
Looks good on camera.
What the hell! I can't even drown my sorrow in sugar.
Listen, I have good news for you.
You remember Sakshi Khanna? My wannabe friend?
The one who apparently got lipo and a nose job?
She's getting married next week.
News of Sakshi's wedding will definitely make my parents forgive me.
Listen to the whole story.
She saw your show last week.
And she wants you to perform at her pre-wedding ceremony in Pune.
Kap, my parents have just seen me tell a room full of people
about how I fucked a married man in a bathroom.
I mean, should I really be performing this in public?
Yes, dude.
Okay, forget about your mom and dad.
Didn't you enjoy performing?
-Yes. -And people enjoyed watching you perform.
I mean, that's why you quit everything to do comedy.
So we are going.
She's going to give you 50,000.
I mean, I think you can finally get off my couch.
Well, I guess we're going to Pune then.
We are going to Pune!
It's time to party in Pune!
Balle-balle! You're rocking, Pune!
I'm just vibing.
Anyway, you and your set, you're all set, right?
Kap, it's a half-Punjabi half-Tamilian wedding.
I will have to create some cross-culture humor, dude. A few inter-caste jokes,
throw in some religion for flavor, and end it with sex and politics.
So set is set.
Good, because Chirag Chatwani is standing right there!
Shit! What's he doing here?
It's an Indian wedding, dude. He could be the bride's uncle's cousin's father.
-Who cares? -Do you think he remembers me?
You tripped on the stage. No one can forget that.
Okay. Look here.
Listen, this is actually a really good thing.
If you kill it tonight, he might give you a second chance!
-Go and say hi. -Are you mad?
-Go! -Don't do this.
-Don't do this. Let it go. -Come on.
-Hi. -Hi.
Beanie.
Yes, Beanie "The Showcase Bomber" Bhatnagar.
People really liked you.
When Sakshi told me that you are coming, I was quite surprised.
I was going to bring my niece to perform in your place.
She's ten.
Come on, Chirag.
I ran from my engagement and went on stage, give some credit.
Yes, the credit goes to you.
After I saw your "Sex and Lies" set, I was quite impressed.
So I'm looking forward to your set tonight.
Thank you.
Sorry, got to take this.
Yes, babe. Tell me.
Babe, it's Noida! Carry a knife with pepper spray and stab two or three people.
Hey, listen, one second!
Ace this, and this could be you.
Yeah, what was I saying? Listen.
How did it go? How was it? What did he say?
It was great, man!
He said he's really looking forward to my set.
See? I told you you should come here.
Now just kill it tonight.
Okay, listen!
That DJ guy is so cute!
You think he would have weed?
Kapi, look at him. He has weed growing off his face!
-You are fine, right? -Yes.
'Cause I really wanna score tonight.
Go for it, sis!
-Hi! -Hi, how are you?
I'm great.
Bro, five rum and cokes.
-Listen, do you have-- -Bro, I said five rum and cokes!
Aren't you a little young to be drinking?
Aren't you a little old to be alone?
What? Is that how you speak to your elders?
Okay, sorry, aunty.
I'm not an aunty. Call me "elder sister."
Rameet, what are you doing at the bar?
Bye, aunties! Carry on!
I'm so sorry about my nephew. He's such a brat.
Do we look like "aunties"?
I mean, you definitely don't.
Thanks. That's really sweet!
-Two wines? -Yeah, actually, I was...
Two wines, please.
So, from the girl's side or the boy's?
Neither. I am here to perform stand-up tonight.
Stand-up? I wish I had the guts do that, man.
I am just a boring lawyer.
-Boring lawyer also have their advantages. -Really?
Yeah. Stability, happy parents, not having to go to Noida.
That's true.
Don't tell me you have a perfect husband, because then I will shoot myself.
No, but...
My parents have set me up with this arranged thing
-and surprisingly, it's pretty awesome. -Really?
Yeah, the guy is handsome, supportive, the family is also pretty nice.
Speaking of him... Hi, baby!
Arun...
-Beanie! -Arun.
Wait, she's Triple B?
-What's Triple B? -Beautiful, bold--
Backstabbing Beanie Bhatnagar.
-Doesn't she look different in her photos? -Nevermind.
-What are you doing here? -Wait. Different how?
You know...
Nevermind.
You guys catch up. And I'll see you on the dance floor, Rooney?
-Yes. -Yeah.
It was a pleasure meeting you, Triple B.
-Rooney. She's-- -She's great.
Yeah, she is great.
I mean, you found yourself a Bollywood heroine!
-You and your jokes. -Right?
So, how are you?
I'm fine. How are you?
-I'm great. -Yeah, I'm also great.
I am here to perform a stand-up.
I just met an agent who's, like, a really big deal. So, yeah.
Nice! So what does that mean for you?
It means I'm great. I'm going on a comedy tour.
Fantastic. When? Where?
Next month. Uttar Pradesh, Noida.
-That's awesome. -Yeah, yeah.
Noida has a really rocking comedy scene, actually.
I'm sure.
Riya is waiting for me, so...
I think I should go.
Yeah, of course.
Bye.
Kap, listen!
Excuse me.
-You won't believe who is here! -Prime Minister Modi?
Why would Modi come here?
Exactly. That's why I won't believe it.
Kapi, focus. Look there. Arun and his girlfriend.
He scored a total stunner!
Seems like it. How did he get her?
Why's her hair flying in slow motion?
Okay, listen. If you wanted to be that good-looking, rich housewife like her--
She's not a housewife, Kapi. She's a lawyer.
She doesn't want to get married. She's focusing on her career.
And that idiot Arun is supporting her. Our Arun. I mean, my Arun.
He sure moved on quickly.
I know!
And you know what they named me? Backstabbing Beanie Bhatnagar.
Fucker developed a sense of humor also.
Okay, listen. You're here to sort your comedy career. Remember that.
Why was your set about sex such a hit?
'Cause I fucked a man in a bathroom and then he fucked me over?
No!
Because you are fucking funny, okay?
And this heroine Riya has got nothing on you.
Focus.
Yes, thanks. I have got to kill tonight.
I must focus only on my career.
What else can Backstabbing Beanie look forward to?
So, where were we?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Sakshi and Jag's pre-wedding ceremony.
To present Sakshi and Jag's love story, we have Sakshi's stunning cousin Riya,
and her oh-so-charming boyfriend, Arun!
Riya! Riya. Come.
Are you fucking kidding me?
-Shit. I'm going to be right back. -Yes.
Hey, my friend, listen to my bangles
In a far off country is my husband's house
I have crossed seven seas to make you mine
To love you across the sands of time
My allure sets the world on fire
A glimpse of me is all they desire
But all I want is you
My love, oh, my love
My love, every time you look into my eyes
Oh, that sweet love cuts me like a knife
My love, every time you look into my eyes
Oh, that sweet love cuts me like a knife
Didn't you say she's a lawyer? When did she become a showgirl?
And since when did boring Arun start dancing?
-I want to tell everyone -What?
-Life is like a chore -Oh, no
Can't take this distance anymore
-Hey, my love -My love
My love, every time you look into my eyes
Oh, that sweet love cuts me like a knife
My love, every time you look into my eyes
Oh, that sweet love cuts me like a knife
I can't take this anymore.
...cuts me like a knife...
Neither can I!
...cuts me like a knife
Make some noise for Sakshi and Jag!
Oh, my love
Hey, my love
Hey, Beanie. Hey.
-Oh, my God, there you are. Hey. -You, too.
What the fuck are you doing here? Stalking me?
No. No, I'm not stalking you. I just... I've been tracking you down
because you're not responding to my calls, or texts, or emails.
It is literally the definition of stalking.
Beanie, are you okay?
Who is he? Is he troubling you?
No, I'm not a stalker, man. I'm sorry, can you give us a second here?
Why?
-Sorry, who the fuck are you? -Who the fuck are you?
-He's my ex. -F...
-This is awkward. -Seriously. Who the fuck are you?
-I'm the other guy. -He's not the other guy.
Well, I was the other guy.
He is no guy and he's leaving.
Seriously, Beanie? This short asshole?
Hey...
You know, just... please leave, Ravi. All right? Goodbye.
Beanie, wait. Wait! Please! Just one minute. Please?
-Please. -All right. Yeah. One minute. Go.
You want me to talk to your back?
No, it's fine. Hey, listen. Look. I'm...
I'm sorry, okay? You were right. I was...
Look, yes.
I have a wife.
And I should have told you about it. It's just--
Just what? Just wanted to fuck me first.
No! I mean... At first, yes. I mean, no.
-When you put it that way, it-- -How would you put it?
I like you. Like, a lot. And...
Look, I was gonna tell you, okay? I just...
I was waiting for the right time, I didn't want to mess things up--
Whatever. You're a fraud, Ravi.
I'm literally at this wedding
because you told me to follow my truth no matter what the cost.
Beanie.
And the cost of that has been every single relationship that I hold dear in my life
and the very home I sleep in.
I--
Now, excuse me. I have a show to get back to.
Can we just talk? Beanie...
-Hey! There you are. -Hi, Beanie.
So excited you're doing this.
Just wanted to discuss some basic rules. So, I'm a Punjabi,
he's Tamilian... So, inter-caste jokes are an absolute no.
That's obvious.
Keep away from religion. Just play it safe, you know?
And no politically incorrect jokes, okay?
People are touchy these days.
Speaking of touching, no sex.
Don't want to scandalize the grandparents.
-Obviously. -Obviously.
Other than that, have fun with it.
-PG. PG. -Yeah.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for the very funny and talented Ms. Beanie Bhatnagar!
Hi. Hello. Namaste.
Lots of Tamilians in here tonight, right? How do you say it... Vanakkam?
Vanakkam? Ma'am, did I get it right?
So, I am here to tell you jokes and... Oh, no.
This mister looks disappointed. He was looking forward to more dancing.
What happened, mister? Shakira's hips don't lie but they do need a break!
And what's this stag party going on here?
-Where's your dear wife? -She's there, having dinner.
Okay.
His wife is the general leading the battle at that food counter.
Ma'am! Leave the food, check on your husband!
See that glint in his roving eyes.
He's not here to find a bride for his son,
but to find a second wife for himself.
But seriously, guys.
Ladies just have this whole different vibe during weddings.
They want to hog on the snacks, play the bitchy fashion police,
and find their darling son a wife.
Look at those ladies there. They're at it.
One of them even cornered Sakshi.
"Sweetheart, are you single?"
No, seriously, guys.
I don't understand how people make their marriage last.
I mean...
Good point to raise at a wedding.
No, but seriously.
My engagement barely lasted for 50 seconds.
And my timing is so amazing, I realized that very day,
that I've been a silent spectator to my own life, too.
After all, what does Indian parenting teach their daughters?
To always obey.
-"Dear, don't wear shorts." -"Yes, Mom."
"Sweetheart, don't roam around with boys at night."
"Yes, Papa!"
By the way, Papa, what happens at night can happen in the day, too.
And then one day, "Sweetheart, I have fixed your wedding
and your kids will be named Tom, Dick, Harry."
"Yes, Papa." What?
Okay, so it's not like I was forced into it.
But the day he proposed nobody waited for my answer.
Not even my boyfriend.
I thought, "It's okay.
Maybe this is how it happens."
After all, they're doing it for my own good.
But on my engagement day,
when my mother-in-law dressed me up like a pigeon,
and my boyfriend showed me a shiny new four-bedroom prison...
I swear, I saw the next 50 years of my life clearly.
And believe me, they weren't bright.
Because Tom, Dick and Harry were very nasty little kids.
-Seriously speaking. -She's good, no?
So I did exactly
what every good Indian girl is expected to do...
I ran off without warning!
Yes.
Backstabbing Beanie Bhatnagar.
Shit, now everyone's staring at Sakshi.
Guys, don't worry, she's not running off anywhere.
I mean, look at these two. They complete each other's sentences.
They are always holding hands. Their eyes are filled with love.
They've been hungry for hours,
but they don't want to eat because they have each other.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
It's... It's disgusting!
Big, big congratulations to you two lovebirds.
Congratulations to Sakshi and Jag's parents, too.
And as for all the other parents here,
you don't have to worry. Your kids will find their soulmates, too.
And as for all the other parents here
who are unlucky and whose children, especially daughters, are like me,
all I want to tell you is this...
Let us make our own mistakes.
What's the worst that can happen?
We might end up in prison.
Then get us out on bail.
You were gonna spend your savings on a wedding anyway.
Thank you so much. I'm Beanie Bhatnagar. Have a great evening, guys!
Beanie, Beanie, Beanie.
Great set. Yeah.
Hey, don't be so shocked. I told you you've got something in you.
-Thanks, Chirag. -Okay, so...
One of our comics is going on a college tour. His opener dropped out.
Will you replace him?
Sure. Absolutely. That would be amazing.
Are you crying?
That time of the month.
That's why I don't work with female comics.
Anyway, I'll get in touch. And congrats.
MOM
Beanie, that was amazing! You were so good!
Looks like you will definitely be the next Jerry Seinfeld.
Thanks.
You should be happy... then why the look?
What look?
The same look that you had right before you ran off from the engagement.
-There's no look. -Of course there is.
No, it's nothing.
Okay, then why don't you tell me nothing?
What's wrong?
Today was the best moment of my comedy career.
But...
my parents don't want to see my face, and I'm living on Kapi's couch.
And... I lost you.
I mean, even as a friend.
Feels unfair, no?
That I have to choose between you guys and comedy.
But, Beanie, you never told me that comedy was so important to you.
I mean, you just left.
But you looked so happy... And you were making so many plans...
things were moving very fast...
I just couldn't say that I don't want to get married right now.
Anyway, you have a hot new girlfriend now,
and you just did this cool dance performance together.
It took me three weeks.
So I guess this conversation is a little too late.
Maybe it's not.