[breathes deeply]
Tell him.
[Arya sniffs]
Yeah, I'm going to tell him.
Now.
Yeah, now.
I've been asking you to do this for months.
Why don't men ever assign tasks to their wives?
I'm not your wife, remember?
Technically, you are.
[scoffs] What's technically?
Well, if you're found dead under mysterious circumstances,
I will be the prime suspect.
Okay. You want me to tell an Indian male that he stinks?
Keep it down, Shruti.
They understand English.
He just pretends.
[sighs] All right, Arya.
If you don't tell him, I'm going to sack him without a reason.
Technically, the car comes under my department.
You pay the EMI for the car, I pay for the drivers.
So "technically" he's my department.
Just tell him.
You know, a man has different smells in different parts of his body.
Which smell is exactly bothering you?
[whispering in Punjabi] If his nose worked as well as his dick,
we wouldn't be in this situation.
[in Tamil] When she has no comebacks she blabbers in Punjabi.
-[in English] What did you say? -What did you say?
-No, what did you say? -[Arya] Nothing.
I ask you for so little, Arya.
That sounds like marriage.
[theme music playing]
[cell phone chimes]
That's a great list of books you have right there,
but I noticed you forgot to mention Arya Iyer.
Arya who?
[woman] Arya Iyer, India's second highest selling novelist.
After you, of course.
Yeah, I think one of his books did sell a few copies.
But your question to me was books worth reading.
So…
[woman laughs] Okay, let's talk about your recent book.
[whimsical music playing]
Where's your investor?
He's at the bookstore. I think it's this way.
I don't like him.
You've never even met him.
Yeah, but I know the type.
The ones who make elaborate plans to surprise their wives
only when others are watching.
[scoffs] You know, there are some sweet men in this world, Arya.
Get used to it.
Actually, if you'd done those little things,
maybe you'd still have a marriage.
That's not what went wrong with our marriage.
So what went wrong with our marriage, Arya?
[chuckles] That's what we're trying to figure out for the past three years.
Maybe nothing went wrong.
Maybe marriage is only for people with no other choice.
Nobody else will have them so they're stuck together.
Maybe we're too happening to be stuck in a never-ending marriage.
So we live in the same house
to fool our daughter into thinking that her parents are together.
How are we "happening," Arya?
Well, we have a home. We have a beautiful daughter.
Over a period of time, we've become good friends.
And who knows, we might even sleep together.
-Never. -Hey.
Never ever.
A couple never really knows when they've had sex for the very last time.
-Look at you. -[Shruti] Ah.
-Such a lovely pair. -[Shruti chuckles]
There's so much love.
You know, I have this instinct for couples who have this magic still on.
Wow. Your instincts are spot on, man.
-Everybody says that. -They do, huh?
-Arya, this is Mahesh. -Hi, Mahesh.
Thank you so much for doing this.
I'm doing this for her.
I believe you're really important for her business.
[Mahesh laughs] Really important.
-Twenty five percent of her revenues. -Yes.
I'm glad I'm doing it then.
Oh, my wife's a big fan of yours.
-She's read all your books. -How about you? Have you read any?
[Mahesh and Shruti chuckle]
-[Mahesh] Um… -He's kidding.
So what are we doing? I have a flight to catch in an hour.
Yes, yes, so this is the plan.
My wife's book club meeting is happening inside.
There she is in green.
They're discussing your book and bam, surprise.
You'll appear and wish her happy birthday.
Voilà.
-[Mahesh] Let's do this. -Yeah.
How original.
[whimsical music playing]
The way he portrays his female characters, that's what I find amazing.
And the way he describes the insides of an urban marriage.
He's just so accurate.
[Basu] Geeta, Geeta, hang on.
I thought we were discussing Amartya Sen.
Um, we wanted a break from the serious stuff, Dr. Basu.
Didn't you get an e-mail?
No, I didn't get any e-mail.
And in any case, your book club treats its male members
as second class citizens even though they are feminists.
Um, I'm so sorry about that, Dr. Basu.
Have you read this novel?
No, I don't read such books.
Uh, Dr. Basu, please join us. Now you're already here.
-Sit. -Well…
-[Geeta] Hi, Golu. How are you? -Fine, Aunty.
Papa?
-[woman] Arya. -Hi, Geeta.
-[gasps] -Happy birthday.
My God. Oh, my God!
Happy birthday, my darling.
-Happy birthday. Oh. -[Geeta exclaims]
[Geeta] Thank you.
-How do you do these things? -You like it?
Like it? I love it. I mean, this is the best surprise ever.
[Mahesh] Come here, give me a hug.
So how long have you been married?
-Twelve years. -Yes.
Wow. So what do you do for sex? [chuckles]
Uh… [Geeta laughs]
Anyway, it was really nice meeting y'all.
Uh, and happy birthday again. I have a flight to catch.
What? No, you've just come.
We have so many questions for you, Arya.
-We can't let you leave. Please. -I'm in a little bit of a hurry.
No way. You have to stay here
and you have to read from your latest book.
It's my birthday. Come on.
There we go.
[clears throat]
"Thousands and thousands of windows,
and behind every window is a shit marriage."
"And amongst these marriages, the worst kind are the ones that are stuck
right in the middle of the shit scale."
"No joy, yet not enough reason to break up."
"Therefore, some couples are much luckier than they think."
"At least they have a good enough reason to end their misery."
Is the passage over?
I guess now it is. [chuckles]
Are those my books?
Do you have a Nobel Prize in economics?
Thankfully not. [chuckles]
That won't be good for the business of a pulp fiction writer.
Well, then I'm afraid these are not your books.
Hmm.
Don't I look familiar to you?
Uh…
We're neighbors. We moved in only last month.
Oh, hi. Sorry.
-Papa, I want to meet him. -Yeah…
Uh, he's my son, Gollu. Big fan.
-Hi, Gollu. -[in Hindi] Go.
[dramatic music plays]
[Arya] Uh…
[in English] He's a fan.
Hi.
Uh, can you step out for a second, please?
What?
I don't shake the hand of teenage boys.
But why?
It's a policy.
Look, pardon me for saying this. I'm a political economist.
I write policies every day. Never heard of such a policy.
Let's just say it's a phobia.
Why can't you shake the hand of a boy?
At this stage in their lives,
uh, their hands are busy doing stuff, you know.
Which I don't have a problem with. That's fine. But, uh…
they don't wash after.
But he's just 14.
[whimsical music playing]
[in Hindi] Let's go, Ganesh.
[in English] Hey, do you even know where I'm going?
Fuck. It's come to this.
-Where are you going? -Mumbai.
What for?
-Now you're just faffing. -No, I really want to know.
Netflix wants to meet.
-They want the film rights of my latest. -Oh, wow. That's a big meeting.
-[Arya] Yeah. -Don't let them jip you, okay?
You want me to negotiate?
I'll manage. Thank you.
-I'll see you in a couple of days. -Yeah.
Hey, listen, listen.
I'm changing my Facebook status.
The relationship status.
I'm making it single.
Shruti, we had decided to keep it quiet till we know how Rohini is going to react.
But it is all quiet. I mean, nobody's really going to notice.
Why are you doing it?
'Cause it's a first step, and I need a first step.
When do you plan to do it?
Let's see.
[in Hindi] Let's go, Ganesh.
[imperceptible]
[whimsical music playing]
[beeping]
-[in Hindi] Hello. -[guard] Hello.
[imperceptible]
-[Arya in Hindi] What are you doing? -Checking your ticket.
-But why? -This is my duty.
How do you know this is not a fake ticket?
-Is it fake? -No, I'm saying…
Your seniors are just wasting your time.
-They made you wear this dress-- -Mister.
Does this look like a dress?
This is a uniform. We get it to serve the country.
No, you are serving the country,
but people in your village are thinking
you're in this uniform fighting dangerous terrorists in Kashmir.
But you're standing here and checking tickets.
[man in English] Why are you insulting a soldier?
This guy's insulting a soldier.
No, I'm not insulting a soldier.
[in Hindi] Get out of the line.
-What did I do? -[guard] Get out of the line.
Get out.
[in English] Gate number four. Gate number four.
-[cell phone chimes] -[Arya] Notes from the field.
There's a man here who's looking at mobile screens trying to check tickets.
He has no machine here that can validate the authenticity of those tickets.
But he's here doing a boring job.
Hey! Hello.
Who are you calling boring? He's a soldier.
He's not from the army, you ignorant moron!
Hello, you, mister…
You better mind your language. I know what moron means.
And yet he doesn't have a problem with the word ignorant.
[man in Hindi] If he's not from the army, is he from the navy?
Okay, tell me the full form of the CISF.
[in English] Don't act smart, you anti-national.
Okay. What language is our national anthem in?
-Sanskrit. -[Arya] No.
-[man] Hindi. -No.
Okay, Malayali.
And this moron thinks Malayali is a language.
[in Hindi] You will not get entry from any gate.
[in English] Ma'am, please come here.
Ma'am, please come.
Ma'am.
[Arya] Oh, there you are.
-I'm very sorry, sir. -It's all right.
We're trying to figure out what has happened.
Did you create some trouble?
I didn't create any trouble. I didn't say anything to anybody.
In fact, my flight is in the next 40 minutes.
Security has a major concern.
You can't fly to Mumbai today, sir. I'm sorry.
We're putting you on the No Fly List.
No Fly?
[cell phone ringing]
Ah, you haven't left?
My-my-my-my flight got canceled.
[Shruti over phone] Oh. So now?
So you free for dinner?
Okay.
[woman in Vietnamese] Hello.
Hello.
[in English] Oh, hi. Are you from Mizoram?
-Meghalaya, sir. -Ah.
They put you up in this fancy dress costume
and pass you off as somebody from Vietnam.
-Are you okay with this? -Hmm.
-Yes, sir. -Does it not bother you at all?
-No, sir. -Just a wee bit?
Yes, a bit.
[man] Welcome, sir.
[in Vietnamese] Hello.
[in English] Sin, definitely it is.
Where's my wife?
Sir, she's there.
Oh, my God. Arya. I'm a big fan. Like, a big, big fan.
Oh. So do you work here?
Oh. No. I'm a professional photographer with Lifecatchers.
What's Lifecatchers?
[woman] Oh. You don't know Lifecatchers?
-Isn't that what I just said? -[woman] Sorry.
So we capture the most important moments of our clients' lives.
-Wow. -What the fuck are you doing?
Am I paying you to chat?
Focus.
-That's our client. -A very pissed one apparently.
Yeah, he's pretty nervous.
He's gonna propose to that woman.
He wants us to capture the moment when she finds the ring.
Hopefully she screams and cries.
And where's the ring?
[whispers] It's going to be in the dessert.
Oh. How original.
[woman chuckles]
So you need to act accordingly. You can't be in your comfort zone.
You will have to go out.
[man] That's absolutely right.
You'll have to expand your horizon.
It's like we're in a world where beauty is often with the beast.
Hi, how are you?
Hey, thanks for the cushion.
[Shruti] Your back needs it more than mine.
[Arya] That's very considerate.
Hey, Shruti. Do you see the couple behind me?
Mmm-hmm.
That man is going to propose to the lady tonight.
[chuckles]
-She totally knows he's going to propose. -[Arya] How do you know that?
Look at her.
Every fucking thing about her says he's going to get sex
every single night.
Food and sex and food and sex.
And that's going to be the story of their lives.
Hello. You're making it very obvious.
Yeah, well, what do I care?
I don't like guys like him in the first place,
who make this grand gesture of proposing.
You know, it's never about the girl. It's all about themselves.
"Oh, look. Such a nice guy I am."
"I'm spending so much money on this moment and this is how much I loved her."
Bullshit.
You know, when I was his age,
most of the girls I was interested in didn't even know that.
I know.
No, seriously. My generation was never about the show.
We spent hours and hours trying to get the girl, get this, happy.
No, seriously. Look…
[laughs]
No, seriously. Look…
Son of a bitch.
Hey, um…
Can you order? I'll just be back.
-Uh, what do you… What? -[Arya] The usual.
[whimsical music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[in Hindi] Why are you standing? Sit down.
[man in English] This is the bathroom.
Okay, okay.
[cell phone cameras clicking]
Hi.
[in Hindi] Sir, one moment.
-[in English] Hey. -Hi.
You too write well.
But you use difficult words like "furtive" and…
-Inadequate? -Uh…
-All the best. -My apologies.
[indistinct chatter]
[Arya] So how have you been?
I've been good. What's up with you?
All good. Uh, Netflix may be buying my books. Maybe all of them.
-Nice. -How about you?
They can't afford me.
Hey, so I have an outrageous request.
Uh-huh.
I'm here with my wife for dinner,
and I was wondering if you could come over to my table
and say something.
Something fan-like, so I can get some brownie points with my wife.
That's sweet. Yeah, I'll do it.
Oh, you'll do it?
Yeah, such a small thing.
You run along, I'll join you guys.
That's very kind of you. Thank you.
-So I'll see you around. -Yeah, see you around.
-[man] Chetan? -[in Hindi] Yes?
-[in English] Oh. Selfie? Huh. -Check this.
[man over video] This guy is insulting a soldier.
[Arya in Hindi] They made you wear this dress--
[guard] Mister! You think this is a dress?
This is a uniform. We get it to serve the country.
No, you are serving the country.
In India, we should have compulsory military training.
-[in English] Just like the Israelis. -Exactly.
[in Hindi] I say the same thing to my friends, but they laugh at me.
[man] He is absolutely correct.
[in English] The middle class in this country these days
is so anti-intellectual.
Semi-literates.
Hey, so what did I miss?
[Shruti] She just cried.
Oh, shit. That mean they're gonna cancel the dessert?
No. It's a happy cry.
"Vicky, life is just so perfect in this moment."
"Vicky, I could die in your arms."
"I could die in your arms tonight."
Kind of a thing.
Two coconut chocolate ice creams, please.
And the moment has arrived.
[Arya] Just check out the size of this table.
Where the hell is he going to keep the food?
-On top of that, this huge flower-- -Let them be. They're pretty.
You know why women like flowers?
[Shruti] Why?
Because flowers are vaginas.
Then you should like them, no?
-[hesitates] See the bees-- -[Chetan] Arya?
Oh, man, I read your book. It was so good.
So good to see you here, man.
One selfie, you and me?
What are you doing, Chetan?
Where are your manners?
Where's your decency, man?
I'm having a private moment with my wife.
Can we do this later, please?
Run along. Go on.
Some people just don't get it.
What the fuck was that, Arya?
-[Arya] Why? -What just happened?
What got into you?
[Arya] I wanna have a private time with you.
This is important for me.
-Oh. Since when? -[cell phone chiming]
Come on. It's always meant a great deal to me.
What's wrong with you, Shruti? I'm so offended.
[chiming continues]
[Ludwig van Beethoven's Symphony No. 5 in C Minor playing]
[woman] Oh, shit!
[chirps]
-[indistinct chatter] -[upbeat music playing]
[Arya] Whoa! What's happening, man?
Hey…
[shushes]
What are you guys doing? What are you doing?
Hey, boss, we came here for a quiet dinner.
-Not to see some guy do his peacock dance. -Arya--
No, seriously. And you know what?
The worst part is, this is not even about you.
It's about how cute he is.
It's phoney guys like him who have ruined the lives of honest men
who don't want to do shit like this.
You are one asshole fellow!
[in Hindi] He ruined the proposal.
My little brother was working on this for a whole week.
[in English] You brought your entire family to watch this drama?
-He brought his-- -Arya, please.
He is my brother and nephew.
Oh, how considerate. I know people like you.
You're the kind of guy who will take his parents to the honeymoon.
-You sure you want to marry this buffoon? -[man] Sir…
-Yes. -You're disturbing everyone.
I'm disturbing everyone?
Have you seen these grown men in costumes?
[man] Sir, this is their job. This is what they do.
[Arya] I'm not talking about their jobs.
But why'd you have to make them look like fools?
Whom are you calling fools? We are just playing our set.
Not you, brother. I'm saying he's making you look like--
-Sir, we'll take full payment for this. -[Arya] You should--
[screams] Harry!
[in Hindi] He spoiled my moment.
He is a traitor!
-[man 1] Fucker! -[man 2] Hold his hand.
Hey, hold on.
Come on, Professor. These types of people behave better after two slaps.
[Basu] No, Mr. Singh.
We are from Gandhi's country.
Violence is wrong.
[in English] Wait, wait, wait. Uh…
Uh…
Let the youngest amongst you reach out to this man for peace.
-[in Punjabi] What's your name, dear? -Satvinder.
Yes, Satvinder.
[In Hindi] Give your hand to Uncle.
[dramatic music playing]
Shake his hand, dear.
Shake it.
[in English] What are you waiting for? Shake his hand.
At this stage in their lives, they're hands are busy doing stuff.
[in English] Arya, shake his hand.
Come on, man. Shake his hand.
They don't wash after.
[man 3 in Hindi] What are you looking at? Shake his hand.
[in English] Come on, man. Shake his hand.
[dramatic music continues]