[somber music playing]
[silence]
-Good morning, single. -To you too.
Oh.
[in Hindi] You know I can't live without talking to you.
Hmm.
[in English] Good morning.
[Rohini] Uh, so early?
How about, "Good morning, Mama," and a really, really nice hug?
[kisses] Good morning, baby. Sit straight.
-Uh, yoga class? -No, gym.
-[in Hindi] Did you add sugar? -No, didi.
Next time you want to add sugar, go back to your village and make the shake there.
Pay attention.
-[in English] What are you doing? -Uh, uh, science quiz.
[Shruti] Hmm.
[Shruti] Twitter.
Hmm. Also, you need to stop googling pretty boys.
-Even on weekends? -Ever.
Why not?
You say the f-word so many times on the phone.
The age rating of this house is 16+ anyway.
[Shruti] Ro.
Good morning, princess. How are you doing? Mwah.
Sit straight.
Why do they do this to women?
What?
You know there's a line running right down the middle of your butt all around.
-What are you talking about? -It's the seam.
And it's screaming out, "Here's the crack."
-Can you change your pants? -No.
Listen, let me show you how it looks. Listen…
-It's a mystery. -What's a mystery?
How does Mama always know what I've been up to on the Internet?
-I think she's a hacker. -[chuckles] She's not a hacker.
Look at this.
This thing pops down. This is the browser history.
It's tells you where you've been.
-Oh, wow! -Mmm-hmm.
-Thanks, Arya. -You're welcome, princess.
[whimsical music playing]
[Arya] Come on, let's go.
[theme music playing]
[vibrating]
How do moms know what you've been browsing?
I know.
So you click here. This thing is called the browser history.
You can see everything here.
[girl] Hey, there's a delete button as well. Oh.
-[all oohing] -Wow.
[horn honking]
[rock music playing on speakers softly]
Arya?
-My God! This really is you? -Yeah.
Imagine meeting the author of a book I've been enjoying.
It's like meeting the animal in your steak.
-Can I have a selfie? -Oh, I hate selfies.
Please.
-I don't have a choice I guess. -[camera clicking]
-Thank you. -Thank you.
What?
So I was just wondering about the ground rules.
What ground rules?
Like, uh, can we see other people?
Can we be on Tinder and stuff like that?
You wanna talk about that now?
Yeah, because when we set a time for the talk,
it becomes "we need to have a talk" kinda talk, which is really scary.
I see your point.
Oh, what did I say? What point did I make?
About the rules.
We must…
We can totally see other people.
Huh.
Like young people, and be completely free.
-Yeah, haven't we suffered enough? -Exactly.
We live in a big house with a little girl.
And go out, fuck other people.
-Have fun like cool, young people. -Yeah.
Think about it.
[whimsical music playing]
[cell phone chimes]
Loneliness is not the scarcity of people.
Loneliness is when hot people don't want to be with you.
[cell phone ringing]
-[in Hindi] Ganesh, come to the gym. -[in English] Yes, ma'am.
-[in Hindi] The car is in P2. -[Ganesh] Coming, madam.
[treadmill beeping]
[in English] Fuck! Something's wrong with my phone.
Freezes until the other side disconnects.
[Ganesh speaks indistinctly over phone]
-[in Hindi] Ganesh, end the call. -Yes, yes, okay, madam.
[in English] Arya, did you even hear a word of what I said?
-Yeah. -Then why couldn't you respond?
What do you want me to do? Mmm, mmm, mmm…
Yes! Actually yes.
-Some sounds so that I know. -I can't make fake sounds.
I'm a man. We're not evolved enough to make fake sounds. [neighing]
All I'm asking you is to show me that you heard me.
-Is that too much? -Somehow this sounds like marriage.
-[comical music] -[beeping]
Do you feel anger?
Yes.
You're at work, you're busy, you think of Arya and you feel so angry.
-So angry. -Hell yes.
Would you like to look at
this vase
and abuse him?
In Punjabi of course.
It really is an ugly vase.
That helps.
It's quite creative.
Modern corporate types will not get it.
[sighs]
Darling, you'll be fine in a year.
But, Shruti, you must get laid before that.
I know. I know, I know.
-That'll really help. -No, that won't help.
That'll get you laid.
I don't know. [sighs]
It's tiring even thinking about having sex with a new man.
Did you enjoy sex with Arya?
Is it important?
I'm your counselor. Everything is important.
[sighs]
How do other women tell their daughters about divorce?
[sighs] Um…
[man] Nice!
[scattered applause]
I'm not scared of you.
I'll say it again.
Rahul Dravid is greater than Sachin.
That's exactly the kind of thing that a man like you would say.
You're an art-film type. Rahul Dravid is art film.
Nothing happens, then nothing happens.
Then the water boils, a woman combs her hair,
then the birds fly, and then everybody dies.
You just promise me that you won't make a bloody art film out of my book, okay?
Arya, has Netflix told you why they wanna meet?
-I don't know. -Look, man, I need this okay?
I won't be able to release another film in a theater--
-[woman] Hey, guys. -Hey.
[chuckles] Seem to be having an intense discussion.
-Reema. Hi. -Arya.
-Hi, Mayank. Hello. -Hi.
-What a lovely club this is. -Yeah.
We don't have anything like this in Bombay. [chuckles]
-Please. -Thank you.
You, uh, look very different from your Instagram profile.
Oh! So you've been stalking me then?
I actually have a theory.
I think people should put up their most unglamorous pictures on Instagram.
Then when you meet them in person, voilà, surprise.
But people do exactly the opposite.
I'm sorry I'm so unimpressive in person.
No, uh, that's not what he meant.
You are a very attractive woman, Reema.
[chuckles] Thank you, Mayank.
-Uh, guys, could you excuse me-- -Are you going to the restroom?
-Uh… Yes. -Can you please order before you leave?
-Let her go, man. -I'll be back in a minute.
-You won't be back in a minute. -It's fine, just take your time.
You've left your house six and a half hours ago in Mumbai.
You haven't dared to use the toilet at the Mumbai airport,
nor in the aircraft and of course, not at the Delhi airport.
And then you come here, it's wide open, it's green,
it's inviting, and your instincts kick in.
And I know exactly the kind of effect that a seven-star toilet has on a woman.
It's like reuniting a refugee with his homeland.
Oh, wow.
[sighs] Yeah.
On the other hand, if you were to order before you leave,
then the food is being prepared while you're there downloading,
and then when you're back, the food is ready,
the timing is perfect, and you can thank me later.
Sure.
Uh… [mumbles nervously]
Boss.
-Yes, sir. -[in Hindi] Quickly take madam's order.
[waiter in English] Yes, ma'am?
[Reema] I'm gonna have a pasta and red sauce.
You know, I've studied this extensively.
There are three stages to scratching the ass.
First they do it mildly, unknowingly, then they get bolder,
and then they start enjoying it.
Boss.
What you're doing, there's a medical term for it.
It's called colonoscopy.
He's a colon cancer survivor, you insensitive jerk.
The kind of people the club lets in these days.
[exasperated sigh]
-So, uh… Oops, my phone. -[cell phone ringing]
-[Arya] Hello. -I wanna get rid of you, Arya.
-It's already been decided. -No, I want it to be official.
I want to divorce.
I want to tell my parents, I want to tell the world.
-Shruti, but Rohini will come to know. -Obviously. I'm moving out with her.
You can't do that. Rohini can't handle divorce.
Forget about us. She can't handle a divorce in Stranger Things.
[sighs]
Arya, I'm telling her this evening.
Shruti, you promised.
Look, I could accept marriage being hard work,
but please, now don't make divorce difficult too.
This is how women ruin marriages.
"Marriage is hard work." Marriage is not supposed to be hard work.
It's supposed to be fun, like a fling.
-Arya, I want a proper, official divorce. -Fine.
Then you do the paperwork.
I did the paperwork for our marriage, now it's your turn.
Well, I did the paperwork for the house!
Fuck!
What's wrong with me?
I'm five minutes away from meeting my most important investor ever,
and I called you.
Seriously, Arya.
What a mistake. I mean, what a total mistake.
-Mistake? -Oh! Hello, Mr. Lee.
-Hi, Shruti. -Hi, please come on in.
[pleasant music playing]
-[Lee] Gurgaon is a fascinating city. -[Shruti] Oh, yes, that it is.
[sniffing]
What's that smell?
Smell?
Hmm?
Oh, it's, uh, nothing.
[sniffing]
Yeah, there is a smell.
-I'm sorry about that. -No.
There is no smell. It's me.
It must be me.
Mr. Lee, I've seen Parasite.
Trust me. You've nothing to worry.
Nothing bad is going to happen to you here.
-Did you get your swim though? -[Lee] I was about to swim.
But then I got a phone call from home, so I spent an hour on the phone.
Arya.
Oh. Is everything all right?
There's a saying in Korea.
Marriage is hard work.
Oh. [chuckles]
Don't listen to the fools who say, "Marriage is hard work."
Marriage should be fun.
Should be like a fling.
I'm so glad you said that.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
[in Korean] Now, should we talk business?
-[in English] Your Korean is very good. -[laughs]
-Thank you. -Wow.
What else can you say in Korean?
Ahjumeoni.
[both laugh]
[Shruti laughing] Oh, God.
I've been practicing my Hindi.
-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.
[in Hindi] Driver bhai, screw me here.
[comical music plays]
Screw me fast.
Screw me here.
-[in English] You kinky bastard. -What?
Sorry, did that come out loud?
-Arya, what are you doing? -[whispers] Sorry.
-Just get off your phone. -Shut the fuck up.
-[laughing] That was very well done. -[Lee] Thank you.
[orchestra music playing]
Arya.
Arya, I know you're there.
Arya.
[Mr. Lee] Shruti.
-Yeah. -Let's go.
So where were we?
Nowhere.
See? Timing. Perfect timing.
Of course, timing.
-So, uh, tell me something. -Hmm?
How much is, uh, Chetan Bhagat being paid for his book rights?
I don't know.
Have you bought the book rights of any of his books?
No, we don't usually buy directly.
-So why are you buying mine? -We're not buying your book. [scoffs]
Why, you didn't like my book?
[hesitates] Oh, why would you say that?
Because you made this "huh" sound.
-No, I did not. -She just did that.
No, uh, she did a… [scoffs]
Are you doing this because I didn't let you go to the restroom?
What?
Uh, Reema, so tell us, uh, what did you have in mind?
Well, honestly, guys, this is just a preliminary meeting.
We don't know what we want from you yet,
but we know we would like to work out something with you.
Probably a celebrity show, maybe.
I don't know. It's up to you guys to pitch actually.
Arya, tell her about the David Attenborough idea.
-Guys, I don't mean pitch right away. -[Mayank] Trust me this is--
The big idea is that we shoot the people of India
through the lens of David Attenborough--
How's the pasta, sir?
-Uh, very good. Thank you. -What about the noodles?
Very good noodles. Very good. Thank you.
-Enjoy your food. -Yes, thank you.
Yeah, you were saying, Arya?
-So let me, uh, describe a scene to you. -[Reema] Hmm.
Imagine we're shooting this restaurant and all the people here
and we use David Attenborough's voice as a voice over like he does--
Can I serve you?
Uh, we will help ourselves. Thank you. Thank you very much.
-Enjoy your meal, sir. -If you let us.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
[Reema] Yeah, continue, Arya.
Have you noticed how these guys
come at exactly the right time when you have something important to say?
Fuck it. Now I lost my chain of thought.
Right. So, uh, guys, let me give this David Attenborough idea a thought.
-And then I'll revert? -Reema.
-So I have another idea. -[Reema] Hmm.
-Do you know Guru Agni? -Yes, of course.
-So what if Agni and Arya… -Hmm.
…have a chat about life, love,
-marriage, women. -Hmm.
Agni is big.
[Arya clears throat]
Uh, so are you, I mean.
You and Agni talking about love, life, marriage.
-Women. -Sex.
Women, sex, philosophy.
Could work, guys.
Uh, how well do you know Agni?
[both chuckle softly]
[Mayank] Oh…
[western-Indian music playing]
[all inhale deeply]
[all sighing]
[women panting]
[women continue panting]
[all sighing]
You've become a mega-star.
Something inside me dies when a friend does this well.
[Mayank] Tell me, how did you get so big?
Three years ago, you were the CEO of a grocery start-up.
Exactly when did you realize you're a guru?
I'm not a guru.
I'm just a driver and people are passengers.
They want to reach a place called happiness. I just help them reach there.
And the driver gets laid along the way.
[Arya and Agni chuckling]
See, the people who don't get sex are the ones who discuss sex the most.
People whose minds are never at rest
are the ones who talk the most about inner peace.
My job is just to make them stop talking about happiness
and start feeling it.
-You're a driver? Tell me something. -Hmm.
Are there any happy women in this world?
Hmm. Let's talk about simpler things.
[Arya] Hmm.
Is, uh, Shruti leaving you or are you leaving Shruti?
-It's mutual. -No, there's no such thing.
There's always one who wants to dump more than the other.
[clears throat]
And usually, the person who thinks it's mutual
is the one who's being dumped.
It was her idea, but I am okay with it.
-Are you ready to lose her? -What do you mean "lose her"?
Just imagine.
A young, hot guy with long flowing hair having doggy sex with her.
[Mayank] Why doggy?
Ooh. It's the ultimate thought experiment for a man,
to find out whether he still cares about his woman.
Men are petrified of doggy sex.
Especially if they are not the ones doing it.
[whimsical music plays]
Bastard. Are you imagining doggy sex with…
[Agni laughs]
-Tell him why we're here. -Yeah.
Guruji, we're going to pitch something to Netflix.
To Netflix?
Arya and you are going to be part of the show.
Think of it as an act.
But I never act.
[both laughing]
Guruji.
[doorbell chirping]
Have croissants.
[imperceptible]
Hey. You're back.
How was your day?
Um…
Good, but what happened?
Nothing. Come, have croissants.
Something has happened.
No. Why?
Wait, don't tell me.
Mmm.
Okay. Now tell me.
What's the bad news?
What makes you think I've got bad news, Ro?
Ramya says every time her mom acts too sweet or acts like her nani,
it's always bad news.
-Always? -Mmm-hmm.
How much bad news has the girl got?
I only know about the divorce.
[whimsical music playing]
And, um, how bad is it?
Pretty bad.
She's totally gone mad.
-Mad? -Mmm-hmm.
Who's she living with now?
Her mom. But she hates her.
Like, hates, hates her?
Hates, hates, hates her.
Oh, that's a lot of hate.
She wants to be with her papa.
[Shruti] Uh-huh. [clears throat]
Mom, were you a mean girl?
I hate mean girls. But I love the movie.
How do you know about the movie?
[dramatic music playing]
So then this immigration guy repeats himself,
"Can we hook up?"
-[laughing] Can you believe that? -[woman 1] Wow!
[Bhumika] Man,I used to be hit on all the time.
[woman 2] Wow…
-Hi, Shruti. -Hi.
Uh, you let Rohini watch Mean Girls?
I don't know, darling. Why, what happened?
No, she watched it here with Samya.
But there's no nudity in that film, is there?
Bhumika, it's not a film that is appropriate for a twelve-year-old.
[groans]
[cell phones chiming]
Oh, no!
-[Bhumika] What? -[woman 2] Shit.
What happened? Where's my phone?
-[woman 2] This morning. In the bus. -[Bhumika] What?
Rohini told all the kids about browser history.
And how to delete it.
Tch. Now Mohit also knows it.
God! Shit.
[woman 3] How did she know?
[cell phone chimes]
There's… [mumbles]
My phone's acting up.
Two famous guys,
chatting.
All shot on the iPhone, that's our show.
So what should we start with?
Something that'll interest women. That's the market apparently.
What would women want to know from these two men?
What do men do well that women suck at?
-Orgasm. -[laughing]
Hmm.
Last week I discovered something that women don't know.
About orgasm.
Hmm.
-You see-- -[waiter] How's the beer, sir?
It's beer, man. It's the same all over the world.
No, I mean is it chilled? Fine?
-It's fine. -[Agni chuckles]
Thank you.
[Agni clears throat]
-Sorry, Guruji, go ahead. -[Agni] Yeah.
What I was saying
is that women don't know that they have to be on top.
It increases their chances of orgasm by 41%.
[chuckles] You just used odd numbers and statistics to sound convincing.
But I think you have a point.
I think when they're on top they're able to control the pressure.
The key to orgasm is strong thigh muscles.
[all chuckles]
I think that's what the show should be about.
The stuff we discovered last week.
-Beautiful. Beautiful. -[Agni] Yes.
The stuff two men discovered last week that women would love to hear.
That's it. We got our show.
What else did you discover last week? Huh?
[laughs]
Which finger should men use for--
[waiter] Should I order some starters, sir?
[dramatic music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Do you think these waiters do it on purpose?
Just to have fun with us?
[clicks tongue] Let's talk about our show.
We should call it "Daaru with the Guru."
Yeah, it's a good title.
And each episode should be under a minute. Quick.
Sir, for you, crisp honey chili potato sticks with honey chili sauce.
Ma'am, for you, plain fried black bean tofu with garlic flavor black bean sauce.
-Gentleman, for you, kung pao-- -Excuse me.
What time is it?
-Sorry, sir? -What is the time?
-Sorry, sir, I'm not wearing a watch. -Oh, okay.
-It's all right. Sorry. Carry on. -Yeah.
I'm really sorry. I'll start from the top.
-What's he doing? -[Mayank whispers]
So, gentleman, I was on you.
Crisp honey chili potato sticks with honey chili sauce.
-Madam, for you, pan-fried black bean-- -It's 4:30.
The time is 4:30.
-Yeah. -Carry on.
So, uh…
Chili crispy paneer…
-Uh, can you please repeat your order? -[man] What?
[cell phone vibrating]
-Arya, Shruti, 12 missed calls. -[Arya] Oh, fuck.
Is she kidding me?
Twelve missed calls? That's bad.
Even in a dead marriage it's bad.
[cell phone ringing]
Are you stupid, Arya? Are you that fucking stupid?
You done? Now what happened?
What's the one thing that I hate the most?
-Women who talk to you about maids. -[clicks tongue]
What is it that I hate second most?
Doctors who think women imagine back pain and allergies.
Okay, just shut up, Arya.
You know how I hate being on these colony WhatsApp groups.
It just got very embarrassing.
You told Rohini about browser history.
I mean, what kind of a dumb father would do that?
Come on, Shruti.
Uh, that's not such a big deal.
Big deal?
It's a bloody mega crisis out here.
I had to suffer those mothers for an hour, Arya, an hour.
All the kids in the colony now know about browser history thanks to you.
So are you gonna tell Rohini about the divorce now?
[clicks tongue] Whatever.
Hello.
[orchestra music playing]
Oh, come on, Mr. Lee. Come on.
Where were we?
Oh, that was nobody. Just my useless husband.
Please don't bother.
Yeah, Mr. Lee. Right there.
Right there, Mr. Lee.
[panting] Yeah, please do what you were doing.
Yes, Mr. Lee.
[speaking in Korean]
[Mr. Lee clears throat]
[music continues playing]