[dog barking in distance]
[sultry music playing]
[in Tamil] Alright… KLPD…
-[cell phone beeps] -[Siri] I did not understand "KLPD."
Shit, shit. Seri, not Siri.
-What was that? -Nothing.
-Did I wake you? -[Shruti] I was up.
[Arya] So what's keeping you awake?
[sighs] Men.
[chuckles]
What about men?
Nothing.
You know, I'm an expert on men.
You can tell me.
So I was just wondering
why men have suddenly started hitting on me.
I think it's my Facebook status.
I shouldn't have changed it.
It has nothing to do with your Facebook status.
Men can smell single women. It's a gift.
-[scoffs] -[cell phone chimes]
[grunts]
[clicks]
[cell phone chimes]
Listen.
[Arya] Huh?
[Shruti] Is that mattress comfortable?
-Very thin, no? -Yeah, she's very thin.
[Shruti] Hmm?
Yeah, my mattress is very thin. Very uncomfortable.
Thanks for agreeing to sleep here.
No problem.
Though I still have a room at the Taj.
Mom and Dad would have felt very bad had you not stayed back.
Hey, Shru.
Did you notice we're chatting?
Yeah, after really long.
We used to chat so much, about absolutely nothing.
[inhales deeply]
-Mumbai is good for marriages. -Why?
The flats are so bloody small,
couples can't hide from each other after a fight.
[both chuckle]
People in Mumbai don't believe that people in Gurgaon
actually text each other inside the same house.
[both laugh]
Rohini should be sleeping with us.
I don't like that she's sleeping in your parents' bedroom.
-Why? -What if they're having sex?
Oh. Arya, shut up.
Hey, I know your father. He's a horny man.
-Oh, stop, Arya! I don't want to think-- -And they can't even see properly.
What if Rohini is awake all the time--
Oh, God, Arya, you're talking about your own daughter.
Yeah, and as a daughter, you saw your parents bonk.
I told you that?
You told me everything.
People's lives are so small.
It just takes a month of good marriage to know the whole story.
-We had more than a month of good times. -Yeah.
-[Shruti] Four years. -Eight years.
Mayank, there were more women in this son of a bitch's bed last night
than there are people at your film screening.
Look, guys, we've got to pull this off with Netflix.
I can't make another festival film that only eight people will watch.
[Arya] Don't worry, we'll pull it off.
Arya, there's a girl to your left.
She's throwing looks at you.
-Do you see her? -Yeah.
I don't think she's looking at you like a fan.
I think she desires you.
I don't know what she sees in you. She must be ovulating.
Ovulating? That's a word?
It's ovulation. It's a very important day.
Oh, it's a magical day.
It's when she's most likely to get pregnant.
So nature ensures that around this time, she's very horny.
-[Mayank] Really? -[Agni] Yeah.
Her body temperature, her basal body temperature is scorching,
and she has very low standards for men.
So how can I know which day it is?
It's very difficult to tell.
No, no, no, it's fairly easy to find out actually.
I use an app called Follow.
All you need to do is key in the start of her last period,
and it throws up her ovulation day.
-What's the app called again? -Follow.
F-O-L-L-O-W.
-Guys, guys, okay, they're here. -Okay.
Just behave like normal guys, okay?
Imagine you are family men who work for a living.
So, please, no matter what happens around you,
you…
just control.
-Hello. Hi, ladies. -Hi, guys.
[Reema] Hello, Guruji.
-This is Priti and this is Sheetal. -Hi, Priti.
-Hi, Sheetal. -Hi.
Let me just pull up some chairs.
It's just me, actually.
-They've got another pitch at the cafe. -[Arya] Oh.
It's Bombay, guys. There's a pitch at every table.
-Okay, see you, girls. -Sit, sit.
-Thank you. -So can I ask you something?
-[Reema] Mmm-hmm. -Don't they make men at Netflix?
Oh.
Do you think we're women, Arya?
Are you sure?
[Mayank chuckles] Oh, yeah. The Bandra Fest fiasco!
-[Reema] That was quite something. -[Mayank] Yeah!
[chuckles] It was…
Arya?
[cell phone beeping]
Arya, are you with us?
I'm right here. What do you mean?
Is everything okay?
[hesitates] Yeah, everything is fine. I just need to go to the toilet.
Sit, Arya.
Order and then go.
That way, while you're taking a dump, your food can get prepared.
And you will thank me for the timing later.
So, Reema, did you have time to go through our concept note?
[Reema] We did. We did, actually.
-[cell phone beeps] -We like it very much.
-So it's… It's on? -I think so.
-So, we're on. -[elevator dings]
[elevator doors open]
[dramatic music playing]
[whispering indistinctly]
Please welcome our esteemed guests.
Lovers of India!
They patented Hare Rama.
They patented Hare Krishna. They even patented haldi!
Bloody parasites.
[Mayank] Agni. Agni, just come on.
You come to my country and you patent Hare Rama?
Thieves. Thieves!
-So, Reema… -[Reema] Hmm.
Uh, I'm thinking if we just get done with the legal stuff faster--
-[Arya] Shit! -[Reema] Of course.
Now what?
[chuckles] Is it today?
How the fuck did you know?
-[Mayank] Arya, wait! -What's today?
His ex-wife's ovulation.
-[Reema] What? -Can we please just talk about work?
How would you know something like that?
Oh, I can tell you about yours as well.
What was the first date of your last period?
[in Hindi] The bed is not made properly. Go inside and check it.
[Jyoti] Okay.
Mom, I wanted to talk to you.
[in English] I want to tell you something first.
You're speaking in English?
-Yes. -Is it medical?
-UTI. -What?
Urinary tract infection.
-[in Hindi] Again? -Shh.
[in English] You're getting this very frequently these days, Mom.
Doctor says I get it from your dad.
Because…
He doesn't use condoms.
-[pressure cooker hisses] -Shh.
Have you told him, though?
[in Hindi] You tell him.
You can do it but you can't talk about it!
I can't tell him.
So who will?
[in English] What are the chances that the app would cough up today as the day?
It's a sign.
[Agni chuckles]
Yeah, man. How can a mammal go without sex for a whole year?
Yeah, tell me about that.
Well, maybe, uh, today will change all that.
-Divorce sex is the best. -Yeah.
[in Hindi] Jyoti, come take the cake.
[in English] After 40 years of marriage, couples start looking like each other.
Like people and their dogs.
Really?
[in Hindi] Take this.
[in English] Hello.
This is our maid.
She's a woman, just in case.
[all chuckling]
Ro, that's a lot of cake, baby.
Have only half and, come on, it's time to do homework then.
-Mama. -What "Mama"?
And don't look at Arya.
[cell phone beeps]
We had a deal.
[in Hindi] Chill all day, then in the evening…
[in English] math revision, right?
Chalo, come on, get going.
Arya, she's making me do homework in Mumbai.
What's wrong with doing homework in Mumbai?
What?
Why are you making such a big fuss
about doing half an hour of homework in Mumbai?
Oh, my God.
This is like Obama has turned out to be Taliban.
[Arya] Hey. [clears throat]
Remember last week I was telling you about the different types of averages?
Sit straight.
Yeah.
So tell me the difference between mean, median and mode.
-I forgot. -Isn't this way above her level?
I'm just trying to keep her a little above her syllabus.
Why?
What I was trying to tell you--
Who are you?
Okay, that's it. Go get your iPad.
By this evening, I want you to tell everybody on this table
the difference between mean, median and mode with examples.
Go on.
Nice cake.
[Madhu] Thanks.
-Hey, Shru? -Hmm.
You remember this?
-What? -Us.
-You remember where this was taken? -No.
In your old house.
-Really? -Yeah. And…
Do you know why we're looking like this?
-Why? -Oh, come on.
Something happened just before this picture was shot.
-What happened? -What?
That's exactly what we were discussing.
People in Mumbai leave the room and reappear so quickly.
Come on, let's do your homework.
[romantic music playing]
[young Arya] Hey, I want to take a photos of us.
[young Shruti] Wha… Now?
[young Arya] Yeah, your dad wanted me to send a photo of us for their wall.
[young Shruti] So you suddenly want to be an obedient son-in-law?
[young Arya] Just relax. I have an idea.
-[young Shruti] What? -[young Arya] If we click now,
I'll be staring forever at your dad right after bonking his daughter.
-[young Shruti] God, baby, no! -[young Arya] Wait, wait. Relax.
[young Shruti] What? God, Arya.
[young Arya] And here we go…
[Surinder in Hindi] What are you looking at?
You have a party every day.
A party every night!
Ever since last month.
Since the day you arrived, it's been party, party.
You're driving me crazy with your loud music!
[in English] And that too such filthy rap songs!
And you complain when the society plays devotional songs.
During visarjan! Losers!
Yeah, take that!
♪ Ganpati Bappa Morya ♪
♪ Ganpati Bappa Ganpati Bappa… ♪
[imperceptible]
[romantic music playing]
[whistling]
What's all this about?
I was thinking, uh,
why don't we look for curtains in Mumbai?
I believe they have a fantastic collection.
When did you start thinking about curtains?
Why not?
And what about furniture?
I think it's about time we change the furniture at home.
When we get back, you and I, we go to MG Road
and look for furniture.
Okay.
Maybe we should go straight from the airport.
Yes.
-Yeah? You like that? -Yeah.
What about paint?
I think we should repaint the house.
Who are you, Arya Iyer?
How about mauve or jade? Ochre even…
You know your color palette, huh?
I do, I do.
-Impressive. -Right?
I want to ask you something.
Anything.
I may be crossing the line.
Oh, please do.
There's something that needs to be done.
Anything you want.
My mom…
Your mom…
-She has a UTI. -Mutual funds?
Urinary tract infection.
What the…
[yells]
See, the thing is that, um…
Papa's not using condoms.
And someone needs to tell him that, right?
I mean, someone has to educate him on that.
You want me to tell your father…
-Hmm. -…to use a condom?
Yes.
You want me to tell my serious,
pooja paath-loving father-in-law,
who was the ex-director general of police,
that he should use a condom?
Absolutely.
Don't you love me at all?
No.
[cell phone vibrates]
[chimes]
Fine. I'll do it for you.
You're the best.
-Hi. -[Surinder] Hey.
[Arya sighs]
That's good.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
I want to tell you something.
What?
Amongst all the activities that you do,
what is that one activity that gives you the maximum amount of pleasure?
Golf at the US Club.
Among all the activities you do, golf gives you the maximum pleasure?
-Yes. -Wow.
Right…
So let's imagine that your golf club
is infecting your golf partner.
What will you do?
My golf club is infecting my partner? Infecting in what way?
Uh…
-I'm not doing this right. -Yes, you're blabbering.
Yeah, you're making it very difficult.
-How am I making it-- -Because you're not trying to understand.
-I'm trying to understand, beta. -Try harder.
What do you think I'm trying to tell you?
I don't know.
Maybe I should have just taken a sausage and an onion ring
and put it through the onion ring and given you a graphic display.
Maybe then you would have understood.
Why would you do that?
[in Hindi] You were going to tell me something, right?
Nothing, Mama.
But you said it was important.
Hmm. It was important.
[in English] But, uh…
[in Hindi] Shruti… what's happening?
You're not pregnant again, are you?
[pressure cooker hissing]
[cell phone vibrating]
Now, let's imagine…
that this carrot
is infected.
-Like that golf club-- -Like your golf club!
And your golf partner, who occasionally enjoys a carrot…
But he is not your golf partner,
but he's your… or she's your… your…
[hesitates] Uh… You know… It… You know, they…
-They enjoy each-- -You're blabbering again.
If you want to have sex with your wife, can you please use a condom?
[echoing] Condom, condom, condom.
[whistling and cheering]
[group chanting] Use a condom! Use a condom!
Use a condom! Use a condom!
What a thing to say.
Look, just because your wife can't get pregnant…
How could you say that to your father-in-law?
…it doesn't mean you give her all sorts of disease--
[shouts] Have you lost your mind?
[chuckles]
[romantic music playing]
[chuckles]
[sighs]
[in Tamil] That's more like it.
[whistling]
[in English] Oh, Tarzan.
-I feel like a boozy evening. -Yeah.
Okay, so should we do red or white wine?
Not we, just me.
-Just you? -But not you.
What do you mean?
You remember my friend Ratan for IIM?
-Chikna Ratan? -Oh.
He's way beyond chikna now.
And I don't know why,
but I've been wanting to meet him all day today.
Weird, no?
Good evening.
[in Tamil] Shit! Again KLPD…
-[cell phone beeps] -[Siri] I did not understand "KLPD."