Thin women are all the same. Fat women are fat in different ways.
[cell phone ringing]
-Hello. -[woman over phone] Hi, stranger.
Guess who this is?
Pooja.
Wow, Arya. I'm impressed.
Well, a gentleman never forgets his ex-girlfriend's voice.
-That's why I'm surprised. -[chuckles]
-Where are you calling from? -I am in Gurgaon. Sector 46.
-Wanna catch up? -[Arya] Yeah.
Uh, Arya? Are you there?
-I'll call you back in five minutes. -Sure.
-Look at this. I'm wearing this tonight. -So?
Look at this carefully.
-You know what I think? -Mmm-hmm.
I think you want me to stop you from wearing this dress.
-I think you're scared. -[chuckles]
No, no, no. I'm totally wearing this tonight.
-How come I've never seen it, then? -I've never worn it.
-Too fat? -Too shy.
-Now you're not? -Ready now.
-Ready for what? -Ready for the dress.
-Ta-da. -[chuckles]
I know what you're doing.
What am I doing, Arya?
You want men to hit on you.
[laughs]
Right for a change. Absolutely.
Only young men.
-How young? -Mmm…
-Twenty-five, twenty-six maybe? -Hmm.
[beeps]
Note to self.
When a middle-aged man gets a 25-year-old girlfriend,
it's a sign of success.
-Therefore, my wife thinks-- -Ex-wife.
Ex-wife thinks that if she gets a 25-year-old boyfriend,
then it's a sign that she's still hot.
Except she forgets that a 25-year-old man will sleep with anything that is free.
Uncle.
Look, I just want to have a wild, short affair
with a really hot young man. That's all.
Someone who is filled with hope, life.
Someone who's, like, tight.
Yeah, like everything about him, is just so, mmm, tight.
So what do you mean by "mmm, tight"?
[scoffs] See? A 25-year-old boy… man would never ask that.
By the way, you know it's much easier for a successful male novelist
to get hot, young flesh than it is for you, right?
[chuckles] You never knew a hot woman before I came along.
Oh, I knew plenty hot women before you came along.
Please, I've seen some of them.
[Arya] Mmm.
Let me show you what I was capable of, Auntie.
[theme music playing]
[children] Good morning!
-Oh. What a good morning this is. -[chuckles]
Oh. Good morning, Mr. Basu.
You can call me Dr. Basu.
Oh, I'm sorry. Dr. Basu.
All right. So, children, today is…
[children] Save the Planet Day!
-And you all are Greta Thunberg! -[children] Mmm-hmm.
How cute is this? Why don't you all Gretas come inside?
Uh, no. We've actually got other places to visit, so…
So for Save the Planet Day,
we're requesting the colony to switch off all their lights
from 7:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.
Oh. That's a wonderful initiative, Dr. Basu.
To save the world and make this a better place,
for you, and for me…
and for all our children.
And it's not just about lights.
It's about all those appliances that consume electricity.
Even the fridge?
-[Basu] Uh, yes. -What about the freezer?
Uh, so we're having this small function in the park at 6:55 p.m.,
where we're doing a countdown to the event.
And you and Rohini must come.
We'll certainly be there, Mr. Basu.
Why are you bullshitting them, Basu?
I mean, you take a car when you have to walk 300 meters,
you look for schools that have central AC.
Know how many liters of water it takes to make one kilogram of chocolate?
20,000 liters.
Look, I'm not saying don't have a good life,
but you have a choice to make. Be a monk, or a good life.
Chocolate cake, save the planet.
I mean, if you choose the chocolate cake, then don't complain about the planet.
You can have the cake. It's all right.
See you, guys.
[girl whimpering]
[swing music playing]
Hi.
[Pooja] Hi.
♪ I want you I want your love, baby ♪
[imperceptible]
♪ I want you I want your love, baby ♪
♪ I want your love, baby ♪
You sure you don't want to come home? I want to show you off to my wife.
-I'll come another time. -Okay.
I have a lot of meetings at the club.
Well, look at you. You look exactly the same as the day you dumped me.
I shouldn't have dumped you. Look at you, all famous and all.
So what are you doing in Gurgaon?
-I have work. -Oh. What are you working as?
-I have a startup. -Oh, I'm so sorry. You're unemployed.
[chuckling] Wow.
You haven't changed one bit.
I'm actually doing pretty well for myself.
Hmm.
I'm here for a few days, I'm meeting some VCs.
-Oh, so you're looking for funding? -Not desperate, but I don't mind.
Listen, you should meet my wife.
She's a venture capitalist and works for Fountainhead.
Hey, yeah. I've heard of them. What's her name?
Well, her name is Shruti Sharma.
Hey, let me call her right now.
-Okay. -Hang on.
-[humming] -[cell phone ringing]
-Tell me. -[Arya over phone] Yeah, listen.
I'm sitting with an old friend who's getting into a startup.
Is it another 45-year-old golfer
who thinks he has a great way of delivering shit food?
Actually, she's a very pretty lady.
And I must warn you in advance
that she and I had a fling while we were in college.
Her name is Pooja Chopra.
-Is she sitting with you? -Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
You know her maiden name might have changed by now, right?
Well, you didn't change yours.
-But I think she's still Pooja… -Pooja Jain now.
-Yeah, she's… -I heard that.
-What's her startup called? -And the name of her app…
-[Pooja] Aapgrade. -I heard that again.
Listen, I think you two should meet.
She's looking for funding. Not desperate, but she wouldn't mind.
So what do you say?
Why don't you invite her to the party tonight?
I think she'll find lots of moneybags there.
Great. You're the best.
So guess what?
My wife and her billionaire Korean investor
are throwing this huge party at the golf club tonight,
and I think you should come.
-That's so sweet. Thank you so much. -You're welcome.
You were always such a sweet guy.
[chuckles nervously]
Who sometimes did some not-so-sweet things.
[chuckles]
Well, guess what? Tonight I'm gonna do a lot of sweet stuff.
Apart from showing off my pretty, sexy ex-girlfriend to my wife.
I'll see you tonight.
-See you. -Okay. Bye.
So Pooja is one of those women who are photogenic waist up.
Yeah. It's really disorienting to see somebody you slept with looking like this.
Imagine how she'll be feeling.
Well, Shruti will get to know tonight that you could never do better than her.
Well, I've gotta hide this woman from Shruti.
How would you hide a woman at a party, Arya?
I just have to hide half a woman.
-[chuckles] -[cell phone chimes]
-Hey, guys. -[Agni] Hmm?
-Remember Masha? -Yeah.
-The flight attendant? -Yeah. She's flirting with me.
Bastard, how do you get these beautiful women?
[chuckles]
Writers are interesting.
They don't know much about any subject to be boring.
Unless, of course, she's a high-end escort.
You know how it is.
They flirt with middle-aged men and make them feel like George Clooney,
and then they reveal their rates.
Well, that makes it simple. Neat and uncomplicated.
But don't you want mistaken adoration of a young girl?
Of her exaggerated compliments,
who listens to all your stories?
Those minor fights, and her honest wetness.
I was just beginning to wonder when the sex bit was going to come up.
So let's see.
A young, pretty woman who likes me, but is completely overestimating me,
as opposed to, "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am," no fuss, no crying?
This any day.
But love is blowjob without condom.
This. Remember that.
-I have to find out if she's an escort. -How?
I've never been on a date in a limo before.
So why me?
Why not you?
Yeah.
Oh.
What's this?
Eh? Wonder how that got there.
I've never seen cash come out of a man's ass before.
Yeah. Where should I keep it? Huh?
Hang on. Oops.
Wow.
You look like an ATM machine right now.
Maybe press the right buttons and I'll spit out more cash.
Just put it on the side and don't forget about it.
[in Hindi] Okay.
In the meanwhile, do you want to hold it?
Uh…
-No. -No.
-Hi. -Hi.
Hi.
-Oh! I'm so sorry. -[chuckles]
-I couldn't recognize you. -I thought so. I thought so.
-Thank you for coming. -You look pretty…
-I mean, pretty cool. -Thank you. Thank you.
-Uh, you want a cap? -No, thank you.
I'm sorry. We used to play this prank in college,
and I realize now that it's, uh, age-inappropriate.
Yeah, I guess it was.
But it's okay. The champagne makes up for it.
Great.
[car horns honking]
[man in Hindi] What is this sisterfucker doing?
Will he be able to get out?
[indistinct chatter]
Man, you have put so many barricades everywhere.
Will the country be secure if the vehicles go in a zigzag?
-What is your problem? -The problem is the road is so wide,
but you have put so many barricades.
There is a big jam, all moving like snakes…
-[constable 1] Jai Hind, sir. -Greetings, sir.
-Sir, sir! -Salute.
[constable 2] Greetings, sir.
Why are you greeting him so profoundly?
If they don't salute you, will you cease to exist?
Get away. Idiot.
Idiots are the ones who put so many barricades on a wide road.
And then salute too. And all the vehicles are supposed to go
like this.
[constable 3] Has he gone mad?
[in English] So tell me something. Do women giggle to reassure men?
-What? -Yeah.
Wait. Can't you realize I'm actually having fun?
This was actually a lot better than I expected,
even with that little misadventure that we had with the police.
So… what were you expecting?
Well…
I was expecting some…
-[Arya groans] -What?
You haven't shaved your armpits.
Excuse me?
I can't bear to see it, and I can't look away.
It's an OCD.
[Arya wheezing]
[in Hindi] Stop the car.
[driver] There is another barricade ahead, Madam. You can get down there.
[in English] We are here to save the planet.
We are here for Mother Earth.
We are here for our children. [kisses]
It is symbolic, but it is very, very special and important.
In 60 seconds,
all of Tatvam Mansionz will switch off their lights.
Let the countdown begin.
Ready, everyone?
[all] Yes!
Sixty.
[all] Fifty-nine, fifty-eight, fifty-seven…
…twenty-nine, twenty-eight, twenty-seven, twenty-six…
…nine, eight, seven, six, five,
four, three, two, one!
[all cheering]
[imperceptible]
[man] Who's that?
[people murmuring]
[woman] Has to be Arya.
[whispers] Papa is back.
[in Hindi] Hold it, dear.
[in English] Look…
I know this is not your fault, but…
Sorry.
-Let's fix this guy! -[woman] Let's go!
[all shouting] Let's go!
[all chanting] Turn off the lights! Turn off the lights!
[chanting continues]
Should we go in and turn off the lights?
You know your Papa is going to turn them back on again, right?
Yeah.
[all chanting] Turn off the lights!
-[operatic music playing] -[chanting stops]
There is a Trump in every colony.
[videogame beeping]
What now?
I want you to distract Rohini for me, please.
I don't want her to see me in this.
You know how she gets a bit judgy.
Yeah, I can see your point.
Hey, princess.
I'm sorry.
-Are you angry with me? -No.
-Did I embarrass you tonight? -[Rohini] I'm never embarrassed by you.
[Arya] Please never change. You know I love you very much, right?
Love you, too.
Give me a hug. You're a little princess. You're growing up too quickly.
Cool. So don't wait up for us.
-We'll be late. -Okay.
And not too much videogames.
By the way, Arya…
Taliban is looking very hot tonight.
-[soft rock music playing] -[indistinct chatter]
Remember the stuff we used to say when we were in school?
About the guy we'll marry.
The hot girls, the things they would say about the men they would marry one day.
And now when you see who they're with…
-[Jwala chuckles] -Really?
Talking about me?
No, we're talking about Mr. Lee.
[Arya] What about Mr. Lee?
-He's so hot. -So tight.
Oh, tight.
He is tight.
-You wanted to know what tight means. -Yeah.
Hello, wonderful people.
-[Shruti] Oh. -Hi.
Oh. Mr. Lee, meet my husband, Arya.
Arya, uh, that's Jean.
-Jean. Is that your Korean name? -Yes.
Really?
Yes. Were you called Arya even before Game of Thrones?
[Shruti and Jwala laughing]
Yes.
Well, it's lovely to meet you.
-Likewise. -You lucky man.
You lucky, lucky man.
-I have some news to share. -Oh, sure.
I launched a specialized modified ship in Busan today.
-[Shruti] Oh. -Yeah.
It carries 3,000 kilometers of undersea cable for high-speed Internet.
[both] Wow.
-[Jwala] Wow. Wow. -Wow.
All this for porn.
[scoffs] Not everything on the Internet is porn.
35% of all traffic on the Internet is porn.
-Yeah. Whatever. -Right?
[laughing]
I love this guy.
-What do you do, Arya? -[Mayank] Arya!
Arya, come.
Excuse me.
What are we gonna do about Pooja's hips?
Sari.
We'll tell her the dress code for the party is a sari, right?
Sari covers a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff.
What are we gonna do about the blouse?
Wheelchair. Let's get her in a wheelchair.
It'll gain us a lot of sympathy with the investors.
Diversity and inclusion and all that.
Where am I gonna get a wheelchair?
What do I tell Pooja? What are you doing, man?
Waiter.
Let's pay one of the waiters who'll always cover Pooja with a food tray.
See, we do it in filmmaking, okay? Cover the line--
How the fuck did you become a filmmaker?
Just call her up and tell her the party is cancelled.
-That might work. That might work. -Of course.
-Hello, ma'am. -Yeah?
-May I know your name, please? -Pooja.
[echoing] Pooja.
[mouthing] Fuck.
Hey, everybody! Excuse me! Hey! Look here! Look here!
Today is Save the Planet Day.
Save the Planet Day. And what are you all doing?
What are you all doing, you bloody capitalists, huh?
Mr. Billionaire, you, what are you doing?
Let's do something to save Mother Earth.
Let's turn the lights off for five minutes.
Huh? Turn the lights off! Turn the lights off!
[all chanting] Turn the lights off! Turn the lights off!
Turn the lights off! Turn the lights off!
[chanting continues]
Turn the lights off.
[chanting] Turn the lights off! Turn the lights off!
[all cheering]
Hey, Shruti. I'd like you to meet…
-Pooja. -Hi.
-Hi, Pooja. -So nice to meet you.
I've heard so much about you.
-Really? -[Shruti] Yeah.
I mean, she was quite an item in college. Half the guys were crazy about her.
I'm sure.
So let's get some drinks, I think you have to leave early, right?
-No, I'm-- -Yeah, so let's go.
-Sure. Let's go. -Let's go.
[Shruti laughing]
-Can… can I tell you something? -Hmm.
-Don't make fun of me later, okay? -No.
Promise?
I'm… I'm feeling, like…
uh… just a bit…
Like, a teeny-weeny, small bit
into you.
Wow.
Are you hungry?
You must be hungry.
That's so sweet.
This feels like marriage.
-Ganesh! -Sir.
[in Hindi] You're stinking.
-What? -Your body stinks, man.
Oh, look in front.
Do one thing, there is a deo spray in the glove compartment, take it out.
Spray that, and spray it daily.
[in English] Somebody had to tell him.
Yeah.
Sir?
[in Hindi] Sir, this is a farmer's smell. Earthen smell.
I have land, but I'm poor.
Why? Because you people want fruits and vegetables at cheap rates.
You make English salad,
but you want everything at Indian prices.
That's why there is a smell.
But don't worry, sir.
I will use the spray.
Man, why are you getting so emotional?
Relax, Ganesh.
Did you have dinner? You must be hungry.
Take this. It is very good food.
[in English] Don't.
I'm not hungry.
-No. It's beef. -It's beef.
He's pure veg.
Holy fuck.
[hawker selling toys in Hindi] Take the bird. Take the bird's nest.
You take this.
[girl in English] Thank you, sir.
[Shruti] Ganesh!
It's all right.
I will drive.
[Shruti] Hey, you can't drive. You're drunk.
-I can drive. -No, you can't.
There are cops everywhere. There's checking going on.
Let's do the cab trick.
Do we have a cap in the car?
It's in the dickey.
[sensual instrumental music playing]
[Arya moaning]
[Shruti humming]
Fuck.
I think we're gonna get caught.
[Arya] Don't worry. Don't worry. The cab trick has always worked.
Fuck, it worked. It worked.
[in Hindi] Oye, oye.
How are you? How come you are here?
Zigzag, zigzag.
Blow into it.
Madam is running late.
We will let her go. Now will you blow into it or come out?
[blows softly]
Blow in it.
-Leave it. -[device beeping]
Leave it.
-Oh! -[in English] Sorry.
[in Hindi] Sorry won't work here. Come out, we will go the police station.
-Let's go. -Brother, we can have a discussion.
How much should I give you?
-Bribing me? -No.
Come out.
-Come out. -No, I'm not talking about a bribe.
I'm saying I'll pay the fine.
-Fine? -Mmm.
This fine will be different.
Different? How?
[Pooja] Driver, please stop.
Arya?
Arya, is everything okay?
No, Pooja, don't!
No, Pooja! No!
Arya.
Pooja, don't! No!
Is everything okay?
-No, Pooja! -What?
[wolf howling]
[swing music playing]
[imperceptible]
[swing music continues playing]