Hasmukh! Hasmukh! Hasmukh!
KINGS OF COMEDY
Once...
a wife asks her husband,
"When we met for the first time,
what was the color of the saree that I was wearing?"
The husband said...
"I can't remember because..." Ouch!
Hey, are Gulati's clothes ready?
Yeah, I ironed them well.
-Did you give him his paan? -Not just paan but alcohol, too.
Why have you given him alcohol?
Have you lost it?
Don't you know how much ruckus he creates once he is drunk?
You have been serving him for years!
I am not his servant. I am a student of comedy.
-Yeah, right! Student, my foot! -Jimmy!
-What happened?
Bansi, the caterer, and Gulati are fighting.
Get his clothes ready quickly! God knows what Gulati has gotten into now.
Friends, from which angle does that six-foot-tall guy look like his son?
It's probably the neighbors'--
Hey, hey! Stop it, stop it.
What are you doing? What happened?
He is saying that my son is illegitimate.
He says I can't father children!
He says my wife is sleeping around... my wife!
-I won't spare this bastard today... -Listen to me, brother.
If he is saying such things about your son
and about your respected wife,
then you also must have done something to provoke him!
Sir, tell me what has he done?
Pakodas.
Pakodas!
Pakodas?
The pakodas were cold.
The pakodas were cold?
Sir, all this just for cold pakodas?
"Just for cold pakodas"?
"Just"?
Listen carefully.
They are not just cold pakodas.
They are what bring alive the comic in me!
I always eat them before my act on stage.
That is my emotion.
They bring out the artist in me!
At the Nauchandi Fair,
the Great Gulati comedian's show would sell the most expensive tickets.
And you, my dumbfuck manager,
you will serve me, The Great Gulati artist, these cold pakodas?
Fucking asshole!
What?
-Yes, Inspector. -Fucker.
The guests for the wedding are here! I am just getting to the stage.
Hey, Hasmukh.
Make sure this is his last peg.
You get it, right?
-Sir. -Yeah?
Even I am ready.
And what are you ready for, fucker?
You wanted me to write a joke, right? Here it is.
Okay, let me hear it.
Now?
Yes, now.
A wife asks her husband,
"When we met for the first time, which color was I wearing?"
-What was she wearing? -Sorry, forgot to mention the saree.
A wife asks her husband,
"When we met for the first time, which color saree was I wearing?"
So the husband says, "I can't remember." The wife asks, "Why?"
The husband replies
that when a superfast train on the railway tracks... to die... Then...
Enough, enough.
You asshole! How much will you fuck this joke up?
Come on, give it to me.
Give it to me.
Actually you have done a decent job of it.
Very Hollywood in style.
Really?
Yes! Because in the West,
you need to wipe your ass with paper after taking a dump.
Once...
-At a marriage... -You promised me...
you would let me perform on stage.
-Hmmm. -When?
Let's see...
You promised for today.
Making a promise doesn't mean you will dance on my head.
It's the inspector's sister's wedding.
Will I allow you to perform at such a prestigious event?
So what?
-Just order it and I shall entertain them. -You will?
Remember what an embarrassment your act was
at your own Holi celebrations?
And you think you'll floor the audience here?
Fine, then.
You took money from me to make me a star in Mumbai, right?
Return that.
What did you just say?
I lost the money.
I was on my bike when it fell out of my pocket.
Now leave.
Please return it. It was my uncle's money.
Okay, then.
Go to the police and file a complaint saying
you had stolen the money from your uncle's safe
to give it to the famous comedian, Gulati,
snatched it. Go.
I respect you as my teacher.
You have been misleading me for ten years.
A promise is a promise.
Today, I am going to get on that stage.
Really?
Hey, Hasmukh!
You motherfucker!
Don't touch my costume.
You are a lackey. Stay a lackey.
Let go of me!
Motherfucker. I'll show you.
Asshole. I'll show...
Sorry.
I just had to get on the stage sooner or later.
A promise is a promise.
Dear friends, the moment you guys have been waiting for is here.
The person whom you all have been eagerly waiting to see...
It's my time now.
Now presenting, in front of you, the king of comedy,
the master of laughter, Gul... Gul... Gulati!
Give him a huge round of applause!
You are a disgrace to comedy.
I can never let you go on my stage.
Hey, this isn't Gulati!
Hey, who have you got here?
We came to see Gulati.
Who's this guy?
Where is Gulati?
-Who's this guy? -Hey!
Hey, Hasmukh! What are you doing?
Get down!
Get down right now or I'll beat you up!
You fool!
Who is this? We want to see Gulati.
-Who is this idiot on stage? -Get rid of him.
-Call Gulati. -This is such a waste of time.
-Get rid of him. -We were told Gulati will be here.
-We came to see Gulati. -He's not even speaking...
Who is he?
We'll leave if Gulati doesn't come on stage.
God knows who they've got!
He isn't Gulati!
You idiot! What are you looking at?
Get him out of here!
Please settle down.
What's wrong?
My dear people...
Kaif can still win the match even if Sachin gets out, right?
The fact of the matter is that Gulati has passed out on Bansi's pakodas.
So forget the stand-up...
he's now on a long sit-down!
What a wonderful occasion this is...
this wedding.
Come on, a round of applause for the bride and the groom.
How lovely this couple looks.
They love each other so much.
Before the wedding, they must have made so many promises to each other.
That we will love each other forever.
He will never even look at any other girl.
Buddy, you better stand by that promise.
Because if he ever looks at another girl...
Well, the bride's brother is an Inspector
who can kill him in an encounter.
Am I right, Inspector?
After four years, people will ask,
"Inspector, we don't see your brother-in-law around these days."
He'll say, "Yes, you won't see him.
He'd been looking where he wasn't supposed to be looking."
The promises made before the wedding are priceless.
"I will give you a fridge, a TV, a house."
It's all good till then.
But the smaller a man's balls, the bigger his lies.
Many men make big claims, like they will take you on a world tour.
World tour?
Fucker, you have been stuck in a small town
like Ghaziabad for ten years.
And when you look at the ice cream melting in your hand, you wonder,
"What is melting? Milk? Sweet candy?
Or is it our dreams that are melting away?"
When someone breaks a promise...
I get terribly upset and angry.
I feel like smashing their head with a liquor bottle.
But what is the point in fighting with the bottle?
Who fights with a prop?
In a marriage, the one who makes the promises is the husband.
The one who listens to the promises is the wife.
And around the world, the ones who break promises are called politicians.
Never marry a politician. No.
Because they will break their promises and ditch you,
as they are born rascals.
Before I leave...
I'll share one more joke with you.
Go for it!
A wife asks her husband,
"When we met for the first time, what color saree was I wearing?"
The husband says, "I can't remember." The wife asks, "Why?"
The husband replies,
"When someone lies down on the railway tracks to commit suicide,
he isn't concerned if the oncoming train is a passenger train or a superfast one."
Brilliant, you motherfucker!
Thank you.
Awesome!
You absolutely killed it!
After all, you are my disciple!
What are you up to?
What are you hiding?
Nothing.
Hello?
Yes, tell me.
What? He bashed his head in? Last night?
Completely smashed his head?
You lousy, lazy laborers.
You try and find all kinds of stupid reasons to take a day off.
I want both of you in the factory today.
Understood?
What are you looking at?
Who is going to make me some tea?
Yes, right on it.
Greetings. I am Suparn Verma, and just like you guys,
I am very troubled by my family.
They harass me a lot.
They've added me to their Whatsapp group!
Your uncle beat you up the day before yesterday, right?
With his belt.
It must be hurting you a lot, isn't it?
You know, I don't like this thick belt at all.
I love this thin string around your waist.
Right?
I detest kids.
They are stupid. I can't handle them at all.
Hey, put it down.
Your aunt only means to love you.
What is it?
Dad is asking for his belt.
Be at the factory by 11:00 a.m.
Yes.
Tell me, Bansi...
Once there were "Love Me" and "Punch Me,"
"Love Me" died. Who was left?
"Punch Me."
You may be making pakodas every day,
but serving them cold isn't the best news, you see.
Come, let's sort this out.
Get his signature.
Don't over think. Just sign below these six witnesses.
Sir, if I sign, will this guy be hanged to death?
Why does it matter to you?
Are you the PM or the Chief Justice to resist?
Just fucking sign!
It happened by mistake.
I didn't do it on purpose.
I am not a killer. it happened by mistake, Jimmy.
Please, sir. I'm not a murderer.
Just burn it.
What?
What about the constable?
The inspector himself has sent him.
Along with the prize money for your comedy act.
A thousand rupees.
Here, keep it.
But this is only 500 rupees?
Obviously.
Because half of what you earn is mine from now.
I am your manager.
Manager?
Of course. I will organize a whole tour for you.
Muzaffarpur, Rampur, Shamli.
Then back here to Saharanpur.
Take this and burn it.
Now you are with Jimmy, The Star-Maker.
-Once, a wife asks her husband... -Throw this idiot out!
"When we met for the first time,
what was the color of the saree that I was wearing?"
Get lost! We're not here to listen to you.
The husband says, "I can't remember."
The wife asks, "Why?"
-What is he doing? -You bloody...
The husband replies...
You asshole, do you know anything?
Hit him!
Hey, stop, please...
Jimmy...
I just don't fucking get it.
The other day, the audience was in splits on this very joke.
But today there was no impact, like there was no feel!
Jimmy, that's because I am not feeling it.
Then how will you "feel" it?
Do you want pakodas?
No.
Alcohol? Hash? Weed?
-Yes, Pundhir bhai. -What's up, Jimmy?
All is well, Pundhir bhai. Very well.
We have a big booking from Bareilly.
You needn't worry. I'll clear all your debts.
Otherwise my men...
No need for you to send your men, Pundhir bhai.
-I have to send my men. -For what?
-To fix you for good. -No, no, you... Hello?
Hasmukh, this next show better go well for us. Got it?
Or else we won't just lose the money, but also our lives.
Let me worry about the "feel".
A wife asked her husband...
Hey, Hasmukh!
Your uncle is such a nice person.
He has brought all the laborers to watch your act.
Jimmy!
Pundhir bhai.
Pundhir bhai, I was going to come to see you.
Pundhir bhai, I swear, the Bareilly client is in the front row.
Yes, boss. They're there. He is telling the truth.
Hey!
Are you the artist?
Yes, yes.
Fucker! You better perform well. We should have a good time.
And after the show, I want all the accounts settled.
Pundhir bhai, there is a goat outside.
Jimmy Sir.
The stuff you asked for is here.
Wait, buddy. Wait!
Now what the fuck is this?
It's for the artist's feel.
I have to return your money, isn't it, Pundhir Sir?
Fine.
After the show!
Hasmukh, look, you must get the right feel to perform well today.
Jimmy, I have never even eaten meat in my life.
-I won't be able to do this. -Don't give me this crap.
Then why were you sucking up to Gulati all this time?
I was a limpdick! I wanted to learn.
I was waiting for the right time. I had no feel.
Feel. This feel, where did it come from?
That day when I saw Hasmukh perform...
I saw the very God of Comedy on stage.
Even Sachin wears his left pad first before he hits his century.
Shahrukh needs to smoke 50 cigarettes before he turns on his magic.
Newton ate an apple before he discovered gravity.
Even Tansen would lie down on ice before performing.
And your guru, Gulati, would eat pakodas before the show to get the feel, right?
-Yes, he would. -See?
Every artist needs Viagra to get his "feel" before the performance.
And Hasmukh's Viagra is... Hasmukh's Viagra is... this!
Got it?
Now you decide what kind of Hasmukh you want to be.
The God of Comedy or a non-performing limpdick?
Hey, hey, wait...
Once, a wife asked her husband,
"When we met for the first time,
what was the color of the saree that I was wearing?"
The husband replies,
"When someone lies down on the railway tracks to commit suicide,
he isn't concerned if the oncoming train is a passenger train or a superfast one."
Hey, Hasmukh!
Hasmukh, what happened?
Don't you get it, Jimmy?
All this isn't going to bring me my "feel".
That day what I did to Gulati...
I felt like I would die.
When I went on stage, I thought my life would be over in 15 minutes flat.
I was shitting bricks.
Then I don't know how I got the "feel" to perform.
This is not that.
This won't happen with chicken and goats.
Why don't you understand, Hasmukh?
Pundhir will smash my remaining teeth, too.
-No, Jimmy... -Hasmukh!
Uncle, you're here?
Why aren't you coming downstairs?
Uncle, he is just...
You will perform comedy, is it?
Fucker!
Your'e gonna perform comedy in front of Sunderlal Jain? You fucker!
I won't do comedy, I won't...
Jimmy...
you go on.
The "feel" will come.
Speak up! He will!
Come on! Say something!
-Aunty, you give it a rest! -Oh you keep quiet...
Come on, say something.
-Aunty, please stop! -Oh Shut up!
Come on, say something.
Calm down please.
My name is Hasmukh. I am here.
And smile a little.
What is the matter?
Did someone die today?
Why are you all so sad?
Seems like you all were waiting to see Sonia,
but Rahul showed up instead!
So, should I give up on life?
Someone is going to die tonight for sure...
just like my father.
My father passed away when I was a child.
Not alone, along with my mother.
Don't get upset again, please.
What is really upsetting is that the rest of my relatives are still alive.
I don't know how they survived.
And these living relatives will never let you live in peace.
Since then I have been living with my father's brother, my uncle.
Sorry, I said it all wrong. Let me tell the joke again.
I stay in my uncle's house, right under his ass!
I am a citizen in my uncle's backside!
My uncle doesn't love his relatives.
He only loves his bottle.
And even my aunt can't break the record of how many times
the Old Monk has fucked my uncle!
My uncle can easily fuck an Old Monk bottle, you see.
His is a bit small... so it fits in well.
Now, once my uncle is drunk, he needs some entertainment.
So right after the drink hits him, he must hit his nephew.
So you will write jokes, huh?
Write some jokes now! Go on, write.
How much will you write?
Write some jokes now!
He used to hit me in various ways.
With his hands, with his belt,
with the frying pan, with his shoes,
with a rolling pin.
Every day, he passes out after drinking.
He can't stand. Can't sit. Can't fuck.
Can't speak. But with the belt? Boy, can he hit!
But uncle hasn't retired yet.
When I was a kid, he told me,
"You're not a human being.
You're an animal."
And the animal regularly kept changing.
When I was younger, he would call me a rat.
Then, when I grew up, he started calling me a donkey.
My uncle forgot this simple thing,
that when an animal is threatened, even a rat can bite.
Motherfucker!
Let me go!
Even a donkey kicks back.
That's why I say, screw family.
Relatives don't mean shit.
Live life on your own, it's better.
What is the matter?
Did I spoil your mood?
Let me lighten you all up a bit.
A last joke before we leave.
Once, a wife asks her husband,
"When we met for the first time,
what was the color of the saree that I was wearing?"
The husband said, "I can't remember." The wife asked, "Why?"
The husband replies,
"When someone lies down on the railway tracks to commit suicide,
he isn't concerned if the oncoming train is a passenger train or a superfast one."
Thank you.
We are getting a big show in Bareilly.
All right.