Hasmukh, wait!
Leave me. Jaggu, let me go.
Jaggu, let me go. Leave me.
Jaggu, let me go! Let me go!
Jaggu!
-What's happening? -I'll check it out.
Quiet, keep quiet!
Why don't you complain about them?
I am scared they'll hit me.
Why are you laughing?
I'm laughing at this joke.
Joke? What is a joke?
Once, a dacoit went to rob a bank.
He asked the cashier, "do you see me?"
The cashier said, "Yes."
The dacoit shot him.
Then he asked Laalu, "do you see me?"
Laalu said, "I didn't, but my wife, who's standing beside me, did."
But wasn't Laalu scared of the dacoit?
My innocent Hasmukh, when there is fear, only then is a joke conceived!
And these jokes will help you overcome your fears.
Jaggu is so huge, that when he leaves his house,
the whole city gets eclipsed.
When Jaggu gives his clothes for laundry,
the laundry man tells Jaggu that he doesn't wash bed sheets.
When Jaggu stands on a weighing scale, the machine says
that it can weigh only one person at a time.
When Jaggu eats food, he doesn't eat with a spoon but with a shovel.
Hasmukh!
You fucking bitch! You come out right now, I'll show you my true colors!
This stone is just the start of the war! You wait and watch!
Come out!
You witch!
Where are you hiding my husband?
God knows what wicked spells you've cast on him!
Hey, crazy woman!
I'll slap you across your face and set your brain right!
You're going to break my windows?
I'll break your head instead!
Come out and face me, I'll show you!
-Aunty... Aunty. Let it go. -Leave me alone!
He hasn't been here in three months!
Three months?
That means he used to visit you!
I knew my suspicions were correct!
What is this chaos?
What?
What's happening here?
Once there were Unrest and Calm.
Unrest died. So who was left?
Calm.
Then why don't you keep calm, Your Highness Queen of Jhansi?
Why don't you keep calm?
Now, look, Sundar isn't so handsome that she'll keep him hidden in her skirt.
I will tell you what kind of a rascal he is.
He is such a big rascal that even a lackey like him
can finish him off.
Right?
Wasn't he a pain in your ass, too?
-Did you get rid of him? -No, no.
Calm down now! We are investigating.
He must be flaunting his beauty somewhere.
Or he must be lying drunk at the factory. Don't worry.
Come on. All of you, go back to your business now.
And you! You better behave or I will reopen your old police records.
-And stop giving me missed calls. Get in! -Hello? Jimmy?
When was the last time you saw Sundar Lal?
Last night.
He distributed money to everyone before the program.
Hey, you genius.
Did he have a lot of enemies?
Hey!
-What are the police doing here? -How the hell am I supposed to know?
Once there was a chicken and a duck.
The chicken was slaughtered. so who was left behind?
-The duck. -Come now, make the duck face.
You better pout or else I'll shout!
This is now my DP.
That joke of yours with the husband and wife is great.
Let's hear it.
Sir, there is a function today at the Minister's residence.
I'm sure you're invited. Hasmukh is performing his stand up there.
I'm drawn towards comedy... I always land up there.
And he's anyway our town's rising star here.
He's going to shine like the stars. Twinkle, twinkle!
What's wrong with this lighter?
Sir, why are you taking the trouble...let me help you light this.
Hasmukh, why don't you tell him the new joke you've written?
He has written a really good joke today.
Yes. Yes, I have.
No, no, no.
Hello. Check, check, check! Here, take this. This is your mic.
But be careful.
If you cost me a bullet, I'll have to kill someone to account for it.
Everyone, come on, gather around.
This artist is going to tell us a joke,
and the law wants you all to listen carefully.
Go for it.
Once...
a wife tells her husband,
"When you go to the market,
get me something that will make me look beautiful."
The husband replies, "Whiskey is available there.
Would two bottles be enough?"
Superb!
There was once a high-five and a cuss word.
-High-five died. Who remained? -The cuss word!
You motherfuckers!
Is there a peep show going on
that you've all left your work and gathered around here?
Listen! Call Tyagi and get all the information
on the rest of the factories.
You won't get the "feel" at the factory.
Yes. Yes, you're right.
Jimmy, we will get caught and be killed.
I want to kill it with my jokes, not kill people.
I can't do this. Let me go.
Hasmukh, in life, one sometimes has to do certain things to succeed.
This isn't "certain things!" This is murder!
Be quiet!
What is this, Jimmy? I am not a criminal.
I am going crazy.
I keep visualizing my uncle, fully baked,
walking out of the oven to be a witness against me.
I can't do this at all. All right?
Look, I will figure a way out for myself.
-Your way out? -Yes.
Fine then. Think this through.
You've gotten this opportunity with great difficulty.
I don't want this opportunity, Jimmy!
If there was ever a sound of someone shitting bricks,
the inspector would know that I'm the one behind all this.
You fool!
Once you become a star, none of this will even matter.
Don't you want to go to Mumbai and become a comedy star or not?
Down with Chota Chandu!
The obnoxious Bollywood child artist Chandu
has allegedly compromised a woman's modesty!
The woman was peacefully doing her work...
Guruji is right.
The planetary positions are not favorable right now.
As you can see behind me, women from all over the country
are here protesting against this actor at Alankaar TV.
They are sending hoards of bras to the channel office
and are demanding that Chandu be thrown off his own show.
-This is ridiculous! -Down with Chota Chandu!
Alankaar is such a big channel,
and these false accusations are piling up! Notices are being sent!
Look at this. My God!
He pulled my bra strap.
How disgusting is that?
He must have just brushed against her accidentally.
Such ruckus! All for a bra!
You won't let me live, will you?
Wow! This is brilliant!
A rating of four! Kings of Comedy has got a rating of four!
Fantastic! This is how it's done!
Sir, this isn't a rating of four.
-What? -It is 2,4.
There is a dot before the four and there is a two before the dot.
Why did this dot have to appear here?
Why have people put these dots?
Promila, isn't this your brainchild?
If such low TRPs keep coming in, how is this going to work?
When the entire industry had written your career off,
I had faith in you, Promila.
I got you here to this office. Listen to this carefully.
Guruji has told me that this year, my lucky number is six.
You are going to get me a TRP of six!
-And you need to figure out how. -Sir, that's impossible.
Impossible? In my office?
Roma, get me that book. My dictionary.
How could you say that?
I will show you. Ma'am, let me show her.
Take a look at page number 196.
Roma, you take a look at this as well.
Im... Impossible.
How is this possible?
Sir, Promila can handle this.
She is so experienced, after all.
Right, Rhea? I am sure you would agree.
If you need some fresh ideas, let me know.
Sir.
-Sir! -Yes.
I've been noticing that you guys have been cutting me off lately.
Such guts?
Promila, you made Rakesh Pandit a TV star from a nobody, right?
I want a comedy king for my channel, too.
I will do something. Actually, I have a plan.
So we can update you by tomorrow evening.
I'll be waiting right here.
-Thank you, sir. -Yes!
Are you planning on frying pakodas here?
-There is a lot of work to be done. -Yes, sir. Sure.
You are like a dagger to my heart.
No hard feelings, Promila.
I was watching a wildlife documentary last night.
It was beautiful.
A lioness was coddling her cubs.
Then you know what happened?
A lakkadbagga came there.
"Lakkadbagga"?
Hyena.
And he was about to attack the lioness' cubs.
The lioness ferociously grabs the hyena...
and slits him open.
Kings of Comedy is my baby!
Lakkadbagga.
I had gone to a restaurant to eat
and I found a strand of hair in my food there as well.
I came home and told my mother about the incident.
She started firing me instead.
She asked me, "Wasn't my hair that you found in my home-cooked food good enough?"
Now I call upon my colleague, the king of jokes, emperor of laughter,
the comedy king, Hasmukh!
Greetings. Please calm down.
Smile a little. Did someone die?
I knew you wouldn't be able to do this.
You are not capable, fucker!
Fire.
You don't have the fire in your belly.
One has to do a lot more than this.
Do you think you're the only one who has committed murders?
Dude, even I have committed murders.
Murdered my happiness.
Murdered my life.
Murdered relationships.
Do you know why?
To fulfill my dreams.
For comedy.
For this idiot box. For this stage.
There is a huge difference
between thinking of doing something and actually doing it.
Because you are not capable!
Hasmukh, in life, one sometimes has to do certain things to succeed.
You fool.
Once you become a star, none of this will even matter.
Haven't you read The Gita?
God is the destroyer.
We are just mediums of His will.
I have only one condition.
What?
I won't kill an innocent person.
Not even one.
Is that all?
I have a whole list of scoundrels!
Is this the list of your wild card entries?
A wild card entry should be the game changer.
And you think these people can do that?
Sandeep Shekhar? He has been blacklisted by the media.
This one is in jail, this one is in rehab.
And this person has left comedy for good, Rhea.
So I don't know where your research is.
Get your act together!
Jimmy, do you think I'm stupid?
This is not going to work.
Since you don't want to pay his money back,
I should just kill him?
He is Sushma's husband.
I have seen you eyeing her, always.
And...
This is Dr. Shukla.
He's a dentist. What has he ever done to you?
He's an asshole!
He charged me for 24-carat gold teeth but gave me 18 carat instead!
Jimmy, how do I make you understand that...
it's buried deep inside me...
this fear.
When I am awake, I see the police.
When I shut my eyes, I can hear the police sirens. See?
Fucker. I guess you really wished for this.
Here is that criminal!
He is the one!
He is guilty of making people laugh their hearts out!
Yeah, he is the one! He is the one.
Hasmukh! The sparkling star!
This is Mr. Devi Prasad Sharma.
He is Mr. Shrivastava's PA.
Even the dogs in the area don't have sex without his permission.
Look at them. They aren't doing it, right?
Are they? Are they?
This joke is by the UP Police!
-Note it down. -Please note it down.
I have heard a lot about you.
He is very good with his comedy acts, sir.
-Shut up. -Are you his lawyer?
No. I am his manager.
So you take money to keep quiet?
Hello.
Yes, Mr. Kumar! Greetings!
How's everything?
All well?
Okay, listen. My man should be reaching you shortly.
Hand him a million rupees.
Why?
Your son has been kidnapped.
The money is his ransom.
What?
So what if he is sitting next to you?
If I am saying that he's kidnapped, he is.
And listen,
if you want more information about me,
you can google me.
And that fourth double-murder case.
That wasn't me.
That information was false.
But the other three...
can all be credited to me. Okay?
Alright then, Mr. Kumar!
I will take your leave then, Mr. Artist.
I will meet you at the function tomorrow.
Make sure the program is a hit!
Let's go.
Come with your "feel."
There are two gates behind the stage.
Gate number one is for VIPs.
Gate number two is for the artists.
You will enter from gate number two.
Tell me.
Sir, where is gate number two?
This is gate number one.
And gate number two?
Gate numbers two and three were never made.
Inside, there are two types of tents, blue and yellow.
Shrivastava will be in the yellow tent...
and Devi Prasad in the blue tent.
Oh sorry... sorry.
You pervert! Get out!
Where are you going?
Hey, you writer!
Change the line about the bridge in your script.
That bridge has collapsed!
I'll just change "bridge" to "road" then.
Roads keep getting made.
This is great! Good.
Here, change it.
Go to the next tent and give it to Mr. Shrivastava when he comes.
You thought I was kidding?
I felt really sorry about your son's death.
Motherfucker!
But then I thought...
I have wiped out many a family in one go.
You were taking my threats too lightly.
Motherfucker, say something.
Don't try to play tricks with your mentor.
Fucker.
You actually believed what I said?
You committed the murder?
I asked you to do it and you did it?
Fucker! I lied to you.
Both my family and my career were amazing.
Understood?
Fooled you like always! Do you know why?
Because you are an idiot!
Please settle down.
I am here now.
Smile a little.
What happened? Did someone die?
Mr. Shrivastava, if I have your permission to...
Go for it!
A round of applause for this evening.
What an evening this is.
We have our minister, the public, and a fine atmosphere.
There is a saying
that a minister is like the husband
and the public is his wife.
But looking at you all here, it feels like this is the wedding night.
There is no difference between the Lok Sabha and the wedding night.
Despite all efforts, both don't last more than five minutes!
When I was told that I have to make the minister laugh,
I was a bit confused.
I thought to myself, "It is them who make people laugh.
I would never be able to do the kind of comedy the ministers do on stage."
I have been struggling for ten years to be a comedian.
They become a comedian with no effort at all.
I am seeing you after quite a while, Mr. Shrivastava.
I was beginning to wonder if you had yourself kidnapped?
Please don't mind.
There is no proof against him.
Because even the kids in the state of Uttar Pradesh say
that there is no point in trying to make an illiterate man understand.
Hey!
Don't worry.
The gun is out of his pants.
Thank God your wife isn't here, Mr. Shrivastava.
Otherwise, she would have said, "At least there is something
coming out of your pants which functions properly."
Mr. Shrivastava, I know you don't murder people.
I know the ones who commit murder.
It's not you...
but Mr. Tyagi from your opposition party.
Tyagi's PA must be writing in his diary every day,
"10:00 a.m., breakfast.
11:00 a.m., meeting with party workers.
12:00 noon, call with the party chief.
1:00 p.m., Tiwari's murder. 2:00 p.m., lunch."
He must be writing this every day.
That's why they never get caught,
because the Uttar Pradesh Police don't know how to read.
Mr. Shrivastava, why are you shooting at the heavens?
God doesn't give out votes.
But what do you care about votes? I'll tell you the truth.
God doesn't give out money.
Even the God is scared to pick a fight here in Uttar Pradesh.
Because, here, even when Ravana goes to abduct Sita,
he doesn't find Sita there.
Instead, he finds a note there which says, "Call Mr. Shrivastava."
It's all good, sir. All good.
They say that the government is used to axing its own legs.
Under his rule, it also shoots itself in the foot.
A round of applause. Lame days are coming.
What's so funny?
-Ma'am. -No, tell me, what is so funny?
Here we are busy finding contestants and you all are just chilling here?
Show me what's funny.
Actually you know what, play it on the TV.
I would like to see it on the TV, please.
Oh, my beloved, you don't know yet
That you are so beautiful And I am still young
Sorry, ma'am.
Mr. Shrivastava, I know you don't murder people.
I know the ones who commit murder.
It's not you,
but Mr. Tyagi from your opposition party.
Tyagi's PA must be writing in his diary every day,
"11:00 a.m., meeting with the party workers.
12:00 noon, call with the party chief.
1:00 p.m., Tiwari's murder. 2:00 p.m., lunch."
He must be writing this every day.
That's why they never get caught
because the Uttar Pradesh Police don't know how to read.
They say that the government is used to axing its own legs.
Under his rule, it also shoots itself in the foot.
-Ma'am. -Book your tickets for Uttar Pradesh.
And now we present to you, the undisputed crowned king of comedy. Hasmukh!
Greetings!
My name is Hasmukh and I am from Saharanpur.
Do you know where that is?
Our town may be small but our hearts are big.
I have achieved my life's dream.
I wanted to be on this stage, and now I'm here!
You know...
I am the only child of my parents.
But what I am confused about is this,
was I so good that they didn't want a second child after me
or was I so bad that...
You are always lying down.
Sometimes, you should get up for me.
-Hasmukh! -They found my Sundar!
Once, there were hard work and destiny.
Hard work died. So who was left?
Destiny.
Ever heard of Kings of Comedy?
Destiny.