Sir, Sir, Sir one question sir...
Calm down. Please calm down.
First of all,
I would like to welcome my brothers and sisters from the media.
And through you, I want the entire country to know
that Alankaar TV is not just an office.
We're a family.
We start our office every day with the thought, "The world is one family."
Look, we had agreed on 15 lakhs.
Look here...
Flight tickets, hotel stay, AC accommodation,
transportation, maintenance, we are already paying for everything.
Then publicity, promos, parties...
-We're doing all this for your own good. -Our own good?
Then why don't we get the feeling that you're looking out for us?
You guys are having all the fun.
A lowly member of our family misbehaved with her.
In this country, and in our everyday lives,
women should be respected because she is a wife, a mother,
a daughter.
She is a sister, a wife. She is the love of someone's life.
They need to be loved.
They need to be pampered...
Sir.
28% GST. TDS, service tax, entertainment tax, sales tax.
And yes, the Artists' Association card.
Did you get the Artists' Association card yet?
Of course we did. Do you think we're amateurs?
Who do you think you're trying to scare? Here's the card.
How many do you want?
Here. You can keep one, too.
What?
This is not some corner shop in your God forsaken town.
In order to work here, you should be enrolled at the association.
You need the association's card. Keep this.
Ma'am, I, Sinha, owner of Alankaar TV, apologize to you.
Please.
I request you all to stand as well.
Thank you.
Ma'am, until you forgive me, I shall remain standing here,
even if it takes all day.
Forgive me.
-I forgive you. -You have forgiven me.
This kind lady has forgiven me,
but the atonement for this evil deed doesn't stop here.
I want to set an example of women's empowerment in this country.
As you can see behind me, my show featured a male character,
but now we've replaced him with a female character.
-What's the name of the show? -Choti Chandini.
The show is called Choti Chandini.
We've rebranded the show
to send out a message to the country with respect to her.
With the kind of money that we're spending on both of you,
-you guys should be paying us instead. -Yeah.
Wow, really?
So, a guy in our village got married.
As a wedding present, they gave him a motorbike.
He named his motorbike "Buffalo."
The next day, he started milking her.
Now tell me, if a family of 14 has to be fed,
how many eggs will the buffalo have to lay?
What nonsense. I don't understand a word you're saying.
Exactly. And I don't understand a word you're saying.
Jimmy.
What does this mean?
You were saying we're like family, right?
What's up? Jimmy's called me, like, a dozen times. What's going on?
-I don't know. -Where are they meeting?
-The coffee shop. -Let's go.
Ma'am.
Mrs. Sinha.
Shit!
-Where is Mr. Sinha? -In the room.
-Roma? -In the room.
Hey, Promila.
Ma'am, we needed some photos for the press release.
-Sure, let's go. -Yeah, please.
Thank you.
Ma'am.
What?
-Ma'am, she's on her way up. -Fuck!
Hello, ma'am. Please, come in.
Ma'am.
This way.
Rating of 0,10--
Hi, darling. What a pleasant surprise!
I took a short nap.
Mr. Pannalal! Is the diamond necklace ready?
Lovely.
But I'm having a little mood swing, Mr. Pannalal.
Let's make it a little heavier.
If the jewelry you wear is heavy,
then people in your life won't take you lightly.
Twenty carats?
Thirty-six...
Make it 36.
That's very heavy.
Thank you.
What on earth are you saying? So much hullabaloo about nothing.
I've already told you a thousand times.
This is all you'll get. Think and let me know what to do.
What's all this ruckus?
Thank God you're here, ma'am.
-I've been trying to call you-- -What's happened?
I don't understand what's going on here.
These guys are trying to confuse us with paperwork...
-What happened? -Stop acting naive.
Remember what you were saying last night?
You were expecting thousands and we offered you lakhs.
Is that the bloody reason? You're a traitor.
Where are you from? Bandra?
-The whole of Bandra will be destroyed! -Jimmy...
Promila, ma'am,
I know that you're powerful people from big cities, and that's fine.
We don't even understand your language.
But... Jimmy, doesn't it feel like...
we're two donkeys trying to run the derby?
Let it go.
-If you say that five lakhs is enough-- -Five...
Five lakhs would still mean the world to us.
But...
These papers, Promila...
I can't sign them.
It says here that someone else will write my jokes for me.
That isn't right.
You liked that joke of mine, didn't you, Promila?
That's why I'm here.
I wrote that on my own, with sheer dedication.
It took time.
And all my favorite comedians,
like Jaspal Bhatti, Johnny Lever...
they all wrote their own jokes.
You see, I am a merchant,
I sell words.
And words are all I have.
Nothing else.
Don't take those away from me.
I'll have nothing to live for.
Please have faith in me.
I will write many things...
for you.
I will never disappoint you.
Who was being all clever here?
Promila.
Fifteen lakhs per episode.
And he will say his own lines.
But I spoke with Mr. Sinha...
Do you know what happened with the hyena last night?
And you...
Save your emotions for your writing.
You'll really need that here.
All the best, guys.
Carry on, then. Your agreement's been signed.
Here you go.
What is this?
-My fee. -Fee? What fee?
I made your contract and got it signed,
and the fee for my services is two lakh rupees.
Two lakhs?
Okay, fine, one sec.
Here you go.
Two thousand rupees.
After deducting TDS, GST, TLT, BRT, from your fee, this is all that's left.
Goodbye.
-Goodbye. -Let's go, Hasmukh.
Ma'am, are you coming to the party tonight?
Party?
I'm so sorry.
Mr. Sinha had planned a surprise for you.
Promila, how can you ruin everything?
-All my planning... -I'm really sorry, sir.
I'm really sorry, ma'am.
-It was a surprise for you, but... -Yeah.
Shall we?
Ma'am, the CCTV footage from the penthouse.
Why did you save him today?
Was there any benefit in letting her find out?
Are there any copies of this?
No, I've erased everything from the hard drive.
That's the one and only copy.
-See you. -Goodbye.
God knows where we've landed, Jimmy.
One gets used to it.
Now look...
We've gotten used to this AC bathroom, haven't we?
We'll learn their game and beat them at it.
I see.
For them to lose, we need to win.
Have you seen this check?
Two lakhs... The advance!
I've never seen so much money in my life.
That's how much Promila trusts me.
You are the star, not Promila.
Do you understand?
If you keep up this dedication,
the world will be at your feet. Got it?
What about tomorrow?
Life is a pleasant journey
No one knows what's in store For you tomorrow
Watch where you're going.
Get him out of here. I just don't like his face.
Krushna, you should've seen his face this morning.
He was nearly out of the show.
But you're definitely going to win.
He's fucking sporting a moustache like KK.
He looks like a mole rat.
Why don't you give him some tips?
Sucking up.
Again.
But I am not enjoying it.
What are you laughing at? Fucker!
He isn't letting you write a single line for him.
He's writing his own stuff.
If everyone starts doing this, you'll be out of a job.
Let him shoot one episode. He'll come running to me like I'm his dad.
Just wait and see.
I don't know about his dad,
but he definitely has a mom.
Congratulations, sweetheart.
You're giving 100%.
And yet sometimes, 100% is not enough.
-Sir, one selfie, please. -Later.
Okay.
Come on, sweetheart. Not again.
What?
I was young and foolish.
You were young and I was foolish,
but we made a lethal combination.
Same old boring conversation.
There's no point.
We have a great show. You're the judge of our show.
Your legacy is still intact.
Let's not complicate things.
-Hi, Rakesh. -Yeah, hi.
There's no Breezers.
-Yeah. -I really want, please.
I didn't know the neighborhood kids were also invited to the party.
Just give her a Breezer.
Hasmukh. Mr. and Mrs. Sinha.
This is Hasmukh, and this is Jimmy, his manager.
Wow! You're tough.
You made us wait a long time to meet you.
You may be small in stature,
but on stage we want a big bang.
Indeed, sir. Back home we used to call him "the little atom bomb."
-I will try. -Try?
No trying. No trying! There's no trying.
You have got to do it!
-Exactly. Do or die. -Right.
Promila knows about my contract, right?
Yes, she does.
And even if it wasn't in the contract, you would've won anyway.
Sucking up...
Yet again.
But I am not enjoying it.
What is your zodiac sign?
Mine?
Let me guess.
Libra.
No, sir. It's Virgo.
You're a...
Virgo.
I was wondering how you were so delicate...
Sir.
Sujoy Agarwal, the investor.
-He wants to meet you. -Yes.
Go and enjoy, all this is for you.
You have fun.
Rhea, hello.
Hi.
How are things?
How are you doing?
I was fine just a minute ago, but now that you're here, who knows?
Yeah, now why would you want to talk to me?
You like guys like him.
-Hello, Rhea. -Hi, Hasmukh.
You like guys like him, don't you?
Should I emulate him?
Please, don't ever be like him.
Why? Who is he?
Sujoy Agarwal. He's killed five people in a drinking-and-driving incident.
In fact, he was so drunk that he even offered the victim a drink.
Wasn't there a case against him?
There was one.
It went on for two years.
And in the end, he used his father's influence
and blamed it all on his driver.
Poor thing, died a terrible death.
So, you're saying that a guy like him should have no right to live.
Yes, no right at all.
Then why is he here instead of on death row?
Money, Jimmy the Maker.
Money.
He's Sinha's guest, a potential investor.
-Hi, Rhea. Hi, guys. -Hi.
Is this party in your honor?
Of course.
There's been a lot going on since this morning in our honor,
and I don't understand most of it.
Hey, dream-weaver, these people have done so much for us.
Let's show them how we party.
No, Jimmy...
Come on, everyone. Come on.
Dance, my dream-weaver. Dance.
Everything is in place for tomorrow.
No one can lay a finger on us now.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy Hear me, hear me, hear me
Come with me
The night's calling out to you
Play that tune again
Jimmy, hear me
Come with me
The night's calling out to you
Play that tune again
Jimmy, hear me
Fucker says he'll teach me GST, TDS.
Change my name if I don't fuck your happiness!
Fucking asshole!
Who is it?
Leave me...
Okay, fine.
Jameel bhai, Shastri.
Jameel bhai, I'll return all your money.
You had to give me an EMI of two lakhs every month.
You've given nothing in the last four months.
You have 24 hours...
Jameel bhai, 24 hours isn't enough.
That's up to you now, Shastri.
You don't give the EMIs, you don't live.
Jameel bhai, please at least listen to me.
May God keep you safe.
Look at this.
Last night, drunk on some very expensive alcohol,
Sujoy Agarwal ran his car over innocent people sleeping on the pavement.
Five people have lost their lives in this incident.
Sir, do you feel any remorse about what happened last night?
He's the big business investor from the party last night.
What remorse?
Why the fuck were they sleeping on my road?
Five people have lost their lives and three are gravely injured.
Did I tell them to sleep on the road?
Sir, but they were run over by your car.
So what if it was my car? Let them die! Move!
This was Sujoy Agarwal,
who apparently feels no remorse for what has happened.
Let's wait and watch how things unfold in this case.
-Stay tuned with us. -Heard that?
See, didn't I tell you that big cities are full of bastards.
God above takes care of everything. You're only a medium.
Just think of it as community service.
I've worked out all the details.
We'll go in through the main gate and for two guests--
I'm sorry, Jimmy, but enough with your plans.
I'll take care of it.
It's Shastri. What does he want now?
KINGS OF COMEDY
Hello, I am Vishal Malhotra
and I am here to welcome you all once again to your very own Kings of Comedy.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Amrith Mahanti.
Sheela, get Hasmukh ready.
People often ask me after the show,
"Did you get lucky after the show?"
And I say, "Shut up."
They haven't reached the set yet?
This is a comedy show, not a lucky draw
where I scratch a card and get lucky.
Hasmukh's all set for today?
Rhea?
All okay?
There's a small problem, ma'am.
What problem?
-They're not answering their phones. -This was bound to happen.
What was?
They think they're some big stars now.
Where the fuck is Hasmukh?
What are you doing, Mr. Shastri?
We've already given you two lakh rupees.
Asshole. That was my fee.
Hey...
Now, sign this.
What is this?
It's the new beginning of our relationship.
Starting today, I am your manager.
Manager?
You'll give me 50% of whatever you earn.
-Now sign it. -Fifty percent?
Why, you bastard?
You think 50% is too much.
-Sign it. -Yes.
Shastri, you turned out to be a real magician in the guise of a lawyer.
You'll take away everything we make.
If we give you everything, what do we get?
You get whatever I leave for you, asshole. Sign it!
-Hasmukh, don't sign it. -Jimmy...
-Sign it. -Don't hit him, please.
Do you have a pen? Pen?
Hasmukh...
Hasmukh, get the belt.
Hasmukh...
Hasmukh!
Hasmukh, get the belt.
Hasmukh...
Hasmukh, get the belt.
I told you not to hit him.
I told you...
Hasmukh, he's dead. Leave him. Let him go.
Hasmukh, he's dead. Let him go.
-Yeah, Rhea. -Where the hell are you guys?
I've called you so many times.
We're on our way.
Please drive faster.
-Spoken to them yet? -They'll be here soon.
I warned you not to get caught up with these imbeciles.
Tell Promila we'll be there in ten.
What the fuck, guys? Where the hell were you?
Rhea, ma'am, the traffic in this city--
Shut up, Jimmy.
Hasmukh, get ready quickly. I need you backstage in five minutes, okay?
We'll be there in two minutes.
Why is he so quiet?
He has taken a vow of silence today.
What?
Vow of silence? Isn't he performing today?
Yes, yes. Of course, he'll perform.
This is just for his feel. For the feel, right?
For his feel?
Yes, exactly.
Like Sachin wears his left pad first before he hits his century,
Shah Rukh needs to smoke 50 cigarettes before he turns on his magic,
Newton ate an apple before he discovered gravity and...
And sometimes he goes into exile.
Hasmukh! Hasmukh! Hasmukh!
Settle down.
Leave your worries behind.
And smile a little.
What happened? Did someone die?
My name's Hasmukh, and this is my first trip to Bombay.
It feels really good to be here.
I've seen some really big things since I got here.
In fact, so big that my eyes have widened.
Big-shot people, big homes, big cars...
In fact, I told someone that Bombay has a lot of poverty,
and he was quick to slap me hard.
He said,
"The point about poverty is true, but call it Mumbai."
I'd never seen such a huge airport in my life.
The airplane was huge, but the airplane garage was even bigger.
When I came out, there was a huge cab waiting for me.
Feel.
I immediately hopped in behind the wheel and started looking for the meter.
The cabbie got furious.
He said, "I'm the driver.
Why don't you go relax in the back?"
I said, "Sorry. I'm from UP, you know.
So whenever I see a taxi, I subconsciously want to drive it."
Here in Mumbai, people are so okay with everything
that nothing ever seems to be okay.
And to make things appear okay, they say it's okay with a kiss.
The floods have hit... "It's okay."
The train has stopped working... "It's okay."
The bridge has collapsed... "It's okay."
People have died... "It's okay."
Everything is okay here except for the cabs and autorickshaws.
Back in UP, people are okay with only one thing.
Their despicable quality.
But even the crooks here have a high standard.
This place should've been called "bamboo" and not "Bombay."
You guys, while smiling,
while affectionately hugging,
shove the bamboo right up the backside.
First, you shove it a little,
then a little more, then a little more...
And by the time you're done, it's less like a backside
and more like the Gateway of India.
Why are you asking for a loan from a beggar's bowl?
And why look for the tallest tower down a child's knickers?
Feel!
This is the first city I've seen where even the thieves are rich.
But out here, they're called lawyers.
Your lawyers are the biggest thieves.
These so-called upholders of law will never be brought to justice
because they rape you with their pen.
People say the law is blind.
But I say the law in Mumbai is pretty dirty,
because every lawyer carries a little stick in his hand.
There's a contract for everything in this city.
Even if your family tells you that they love you,
you'll ask them to give it to you in writing on a legal document.
And don't forget to sign every page.
Yes!
I...
Contract...
These contracts...
Husband...
My name's Hasmukh. Goodbye.